Again

When did things get so intense?

I just spent awhile going through some old letters, and started remembering how much fun I had/have with you. It made me smile and laugh. I relaxed while thinking about you doing and saying silly things.

Sometimes you just need to enjoy each other's company. And that's me talking to myself. I know you are well aware of this and have been trying to knock it into my head.

I like you and spending time with you. That's it.



btw-Don't even try and think that you knew I would do this!!!! You sooooooo didn't.

Trying To Forget

I've been trying to forget him. It hasn't been working too well, but maybe now it will. It's good-bye.

I wrote these two posts before. I put one up and took it down... hoping.



Surprised

That he didn't say good-bye.

But should I be? What else am I to think?

There is so much to write and say that the words are stuck in my chest and have started climbing to my throat along with the ache. I won't allow it to go any further. I'll swallow it down. I won't allow myself to hurt like this. I won't have to worry about hanging in limbo.

Maybe it was all of my own making. Maybe I saw more in him than was really there. Maybe it's just not meant to be. Maybe he just discovered who I really was or thinks he has. Maybe he has too much going on. Maybe he's just too tired, lazy, afraid or doesn't feel what he thought was there. And maybe I shouldn't be coming up with excuses for him. He's just not that into me. That's it... plain and simple.

I opened myself up to him more than I have done with any other man I've known, felt more for him than I thought was possible. I'm glad I did. I hope he has a good life and will be happy. I know that I will.

Goodbye



I'm Not So Smart

Sometimes, I'm just not so smart. I don't need to be hit over the head with a baseball bat to realize that someone just doesn't feel the same way. Yeah, I'm beating myself up.

I just thought... I just thought he cared the way I did. It shouldn't hurt to know that he doesn't. It should make me feel better. It should make me feel relieved and even happy, but it doesn't. I'll miss him.

He made me smile and feel good inside. But then he also made me cry. I just wasn't going to do it in front of him. I never felt that way for someone, and there's no way in hell I'm going to let myself feel that way again. It just hurts too much.

I'm going to forget him, and everything about him.

I'm strong. I may not be smart sometimes, but I'm strong enough to get through this. And I'm not stupid enough to let myself get hurt like this again. I wish I didn't feel. I wish the pain would just leave the way he has. It hurts.

I know that I deserve someone who wants me. But you know what, I don't think I'm going to open myself up to that.

Different Ways

There's always a way to do something. You just have to figure it out if it's important enough to you.

There's a way in and sometimes it's hard to find the way out.

There are many ways to say good-bye, and quite a few to say hello.

I've had a few new hello's recently. One is from a sweetheart of a man whom I spoke to last night for an hour and a half. Yeah, yeah, I know I was only supposed to talk to him for 15 minutes. It's obvious from this, and this that I have a pretty thick skull. BUT I'm working on it.

He's 11 years older than I am, but I didn't feel like he was an "old man". He sounds like fun and recently broke a finger playing basketball. I like that, not just because I've done that myself, but because he likes to have fun and do things.

Another hello came from someone 10 years younger than I am. It is hard for me not to doubt that he is really interested in dating me for marriage. But he said he has no problem with bringing me and DB home to his family. He was very open with me about some other things which made me believe what he was saying. BUT I still know that I am gullible and easily taken in so I'm just going to see what happens.

We had a good chat last night for about two hours. And I didn't feel any disparity between us because of the age difference. He called and left a message today to wish me Good Shabbos. I got a nice note from the older guy about our talk last night that also put a smile on my face.

Of course, these two new guys need names. I'll have to come up with something if I think they might be around for awhile. There also another man, but I don't know if he's still interested.

Don't ask me what I'm doing I'm not quite sure, and I don't want to rebound into any relationship. I still have feelings for Cowboy, but I'm trying my best to push them down.

I don't want to talk about him.

update: another man just contacted me hadn't heard from him in a week... he's 13 years older more later...

Wish I Were Lucky

Lucky





In my heart... Rated R

The Final Word

Said in anger there is finality

with sadness there is longing

in joy for the certainty of again

and too quickly, followed by regret

Just Listen

When I talk to my friends about things that are going on in my life I don't expect answers or solutions. In fact, I don't usually appreciate them. I just need to talk. I usually know exactly what's going on and what needs to be done. This is my life after all. I just need to vent or hear my thoughts out loud.

I try my best to do this for my friends too. It used to be much more difficult. I hurt when the people I care about hurt, and I used to want to solve everything. I find that listening is appreciated more, and if they really need advice my friends will ask for it.

Even if I share similar characteristics to you, what you might find a workable solution may not necessarily apply to me. I am my own person and make my own choices so it bothers me if someone feels that they are responsible for giving me "bad advice" and what occurs afterwards. In no uncertain terms, is that true. For one thing, if you give me advice it doesn't necessarily mean that I'm taking it. For another, by apologizing for the advice you gave, it is as if you are assuming direct responsibility for my actions.

I love my friends, but I resent when they do that. If I choose to do something, it may not be because of your advice even if you did mentioned it.

I know I'm a little bit touchy about this. It might come from the fact that I lived under someone's control for quite some time and had to work very hard to break free of it.

Thanks for listening.

Living A Story

Her writing fills her life
As living never does
Dreams and poems become real
Closing her eyes
Trying to hide behind written pictures of joy and passion
Tears flow with the words and pour from her fingers

And I know the sorrow
Wishing for the fulfillment in her stories
Hoping for a life of her dreams

To go back in time and start again wouldn't help
To go forward would only make the past less familiar
I don't want to let go of the hurt that releases him
To know that not even cries remain
When they are gone so is his existence in my world
Just another character imagined in my life of books
Rereading friends and living the lives of others
To disappear from my own
Sometimes the hurt and pain continue through the day,a dull ache
At others, a familiar song stabs my memory
And rips his loving words from my heart with an anguished cry

To live for others is only existing
I hide behind smiles
Believing that none can see the dull pain of alone

She doesn't search through crowds for his face
To recognize his walk in a crowd
Straining to see... hoping he is returning to her
But knowing that will never be
Even with their meeting.

How do you live with sorrow?
Is it forgotten in a drawer with letters folded and worn from longing?
The memories of caring words in deep voices fill my mind
And the suffering leaks down my face
Cooling the passion that is still there.

Don't leave me
Don't let me leave you
Don't say goodbye
Don't wish me well
Just go and give me forgetting your laugh
So that I can continue on my walk for others
Across an empty world

Becoming Jane

Happy endings can be written
but not lived with the passion
and yearning for their life together

Alone in the future with words for company
each story ending with love
while her own must continue without
not willing to hurt him through his family

Doing what is right and necessary
Instead of what is wanted
For a love never to be lived
but imagined and dreamt
Created with characters

each one, him
each hero, him

because her thoughts are full of him
and the only way to rid herself of them
is to give them to others
as she has given him to others

Everyday, every night
She remembers his behaviors and tones
With a smile on her face.
Hoping that he is happy
That what she has lost
He has gained without her

She was never erased
Always a reminder
In a name of a beloved child

It does not still the beating of her heart
or dry the tears on her soul

He has not forgotten


If only he had,
then perhaps one day she will.

I Hate Love

It hurts too much.

I hate limbo because I don't know what I'm expecting then I'm not at ease and can't experience what I really feel. All that I feel then is anxious. It colors everything a pukey sea green kind of color that reminds me of hospitals where I've done a lot of anxious waiting through my life.

I'm horrible at making decisions, not all decisions just a few and of those only the ones that impact on me singularly. I would love for someone to make these decisions for me, but then what would be the purpose of me being involved in my life at all?

I don't know whether to cry or yell so I do neither. The pain is muted right now. I have too much going on in my life to feel it completely or maybe I just don't want to face it.

I feel like I'm losing a best friend, and he's not even lost. It just that things are in limbo, but I have this feeling. Anyway... I'm sure my tears will come. But my eyes are dry right now. I guess, I'm trying to push it down. I've never felt this way about someone. Maybe it was easier to care about him like this because he was so far away. So that this wasn't "real." Then why does it still hurt?

I have too good of an imagination. I let dreams get the best of me. At this point in my life, I should know that there is no such thing as "happily ever after." But I do know that. I don't want perfect. I just want to share. I want to share smiles and tears, arguments and make-ups, family dinners and slamming doors.

I wish... I hope... I dream... and I curse myself for wanting the impossible.

Didn't reread. Don't want to read this again.

The Wrong Way?

Foolish dreams lead me down a twisting road
The sun sets and shadows darken the way
Clouds hide the nighttime sparkle
And my steps falter

No lightness in the future path
Dragging feet through a tunnel without end
My eyes adjust to the dimness of my world

And tears pour down onto a gray life
Of unfulfilled love.

I Have Been Writing

...just not posting. But tonight I decided to ramble.

I'm happy. Yes, I am. I know I recently wrote about a relationship I didn't think was going to work out. So, let me explain. I wrote that when I was upset...obviously. I was hurt about something that Cowboy said to me. Instead of acting like an adult and just telling him this, I felt the need to pull away and I also think I was trying to hurt him back. Yeah, yeah, I know. Not the most mature way to handle things. But who said I was mature anyway?

I did end up talking to him, and of course I felt so much better afterwards. Yes, it's another lesson learned, and one I thought I already knew.

Now, it's time to gush for a bit. Yes, I know you're reading this and laughing to yourself that deep chuckle that makes me smile (directed at Cowboy). I like him. I've started to feel more relaxed in our "relationship" or whatever you want to call it. The phone calls last for hours, and I wish they took place more often. That's kind of silly to say considering that we talk about between 4-7 times a day.

This is the thing. I guess what has made me feel more secure or relaxed or whatever, is that I just found out last night that he told a friend about me. Now it's possible that he's told people about me before this point in time, but he didn't let on to me that he's done so.

And then there's the fact that he calls me all different names. Most of my good friends have special names that they call me, and that I call them. I wrote about this before, and I believe that these names connect me to the people who have given them to me. The more names someone calls me the stronger the tie I feel to them. It doesn't have to make sense to you. It's just the way it is for me.

I remember the first time Cowboy did this it was in an e-mail after we had been talking for a couple of weeks. No one had ever called me that name before, and I've been called lots of things. Stop laughing! I'm not talking about those kinds of names.

Wait a minute! I just remembered that even before we ever spoke on the phone, and I think from the first time that we ever corresponded, he called me a name that had to do with my blog. It wasn't Come Running or a diminutive of it, but it showed that he actually read and remembered what I wrote. This was while we were just friends, and neither one of us was interested in a relationship with the other.

Now that things have changed and he actually knows my real name, he's called me by so many different variations of it... not to mention another name that drives me bonkers. He does it to tease me, and it works. But I just can't get angry at him about it and I end up laughing along with him. Of course, now that I've written this he will probably bug me about it even more.

Another Lesson Learned

What number am I up to now??? I'm talking about the lessons I've learned about dating. Just in case y'all can't figure this one out, I had a date. Yup, it was just one. That was enough.

The thing is... I spoke to him for about 4 hours in our first conversation. OK, OK... I like to talk, but it was an easy and fun conversation. He was not the type of guy that most people would think I would date. Hey, I wasn't even sure I would date him, but I decided to give him a chance.

He looked great on paper... on computer screen. He was intelligent, read science fiction, liked Van Morrison, opera, jazz and ballet. So we talked and talked. I recently made the decision to start talking to a guy instead of doing the messaging through Frumster to e-mailing back and forth then to im'ing and finally phone conversation. It was just to much effort. I would rather know if I could actually get along with someone enough to go out with them before investing so much time and hope.

I've been surprised a couple of times when the guy I'm speaking to over the phone is not the same personality as the one to whom I've been writing to back and forth. Some guy or maybe even girl out there is making money off of writing messages for nervous daters. Cyrano de Bergerac ala the computer age. I wonder if they are even paid by both sides to have a correspondence between themselves and no one the wiser.

So this guy and I spoke and then made plans to go out in the near future. It just so happened that the opportunity presented itself the next day. I jumped at it because I've also discovered that a good phone conversation does not necessarily equal chemistry or attraction in person. Needless to say it didn't work out.

Soooooo, I have now learned that I cannot speak for an extended period of time on the phone before meeting someone. It's just who I am. Some people feel safer and do better with spending all that time writing and talking, but it doesn't work for me. I just get my hopes up and then.... "Surprise!!! I'm not who you imagined me to be." I've got a good imagination so this might actually be what trips me up.

OH!! I did just want to let some of you know that I met him in the city. He had offered to come and pick me up except it just didn't make any sense. He works in the city, we were going to go out to have dinner there and he would've had to take the train home and then drive to me. It was the fact that he offered which made me feel comfortable about driving in to meet him. Not like the more recent guy who felt it was an imposition to come and get me that's why I was surprised by his actions on the date.

When we met I knew immediately that he just didn't do it for me, but I felt that I had to give it a chance anyway. The little things are what really turned me off. He walked very fast and expected me to keep up. Actually, he didn't even notice when I wasn't walking next to him. I was contemplating turning around, walking in the other direction and heading home, but I figured I might as well have dinner. He also didn't make sure that I had room to walk next to him. It was a bad start.

At the restaurant he didn't move out of the way to allow people to get by him, and he left his bag in a spot that made it more difficult for people to walk in and out. That basically did it, but I didn't let him know. I'm not the kind of person who can be rude or tell a date by my actions that I'm not the least bit interested. Plus I decided that since I was out I might as well enjoy myself, and I did for the most part.

There were other things that he did that turned me off, but it just fit in with the behavior that he exhibited earlier. A word of advice to you gentlemen out there, the little things count... BIG TIME!!!

So the next guy I date I will hardly know. We will write to exchange phone numbers and then talk a little to see if it's worth arranging a date. Yeah right, I'd love to see me actually hang up after 15 minutes or even a half hour. Since I'm going to (try to) do it this way, I think that I might end up meeting the next guy/s I date instead of having them pick me up because I just won't know them that well (that's for you, Gila and Webgirl). But that doesn't mean that I don't want them to offer to come and get me.

btw-will someone please tell me why my spellcheck isn't working??

Not Your Average Bear...

Boo Boo.

Okay, let's clarify. I'm not your normal girl/woman, Bais Yaakov or otherwise. I can hear you guys saying, "Yeah yeah, CR, tell us something new." But I just want to let you know that as far as I remember I was always like this.

I was the only girl in my school whose parents were divorced. I was the only girl in my school who read science fiction, and the fact that I took the SATS in seventh, eighth and ninth grade didn't help me fit in either. But the most distinguishing characteristic of all that separated me from the other girls, was that I had no relatives living in Oz.

I really felt the pain of being different when I was in eighth grade. I tried to fit in so desperately, but it just didn't work out the way I wanted. Towards the middle of that year I came to the realization that I was going to be happy with who I was, and friends with everyone. When the cool girls were friendly and wanted to hang, we did; when they didn't, I hung around with the "nebby" girls, the "spazs", the "brains", and girls in the older and younger grades. That doesn't really sound right. What I mean is that if someone just wanted to be my friend it automatically meant that she was.

I went to B'nos, Bnei Akiva, and NCSY. To all you smart asses out there, No, I didn't go to Pirchei, but I had some buds who did. I finally did find a crowd of my own, but I still didn't feel 100% accepted. I guess no one really does, but when you're a teenager the only person that you think is suffering is you.

I was speaking with a friend tonight, and we were talking about how people in her family think about her. That conversation brought the past back to me, and it hurt to hear the pain in her voice. I'm very lucky that my family never cared what I did. Well, yes they did, but what I mean was they never cared if I was different. Maybe that's because my family is so diverse and yes, strange. They only were concerned if you didn't follow your heart not if you followed the norm.

Accepting people for who they are without judging is now an intrinsic part of who I am. I'm trying to pass this along to DB and it makes me proud to see through the different children that he has chosen as friends that he is already internalizing this trait.

Through Other's Eyes

I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine where I disagreed with what was said, but I knew that it wouldn't matter how I explained the situation he wouldn't be able to see it the way I did. I was able to view it the way he did and realized how important this was to him...just as important to me, too... maybe even more so, which is another thing I don't think he could understand. That is why I didn't get into it. He couldn't see, and I knew from the way he was talking, couldn't hear any reasons, or explanations as to how what he was saying might not be the case.

On the other hand, I could be wrong. But I know who I am and what my strengths are and I'm able to see a tremendous amount in people and relationships. And to some of you out there who think that I might be oblivious or that I deny what I'm feeling, I don't. I just won't admit it to you. Trust me I know what I'm feeling, and dreaming. Geez Louise, I think most of you out there reading would admit that I'm aware of my feelings, and if I'm not so sure of what they are I try to figure it out until I actually know what's going on with me.

I think some of this has to do with the fact that he's a guy, and I'm a girl. And maybe some of it has to do with the fact that I see problems as solvable and able to be worked through. Of course, not everything has a happy ending and I think that he's coming from that point of view. But there are some things I know how to handle and how they can and should be handled, children being one of them.

Should he take off his blinders or should I stop wearing rose colored glasses? Whatever it is... I'm sad for the loss of what could be.

Being Me

I haven't really written anything deep, no, that's not the word... substantial, maybe, not sure... ummm, from my soul, possibly, but I think that's more than what I mean to say.

OK, for what it is, I haven't written any of the above in my posts lately. Most of those thoughts and feelings have been expressed in phone calls, or e-mails, to new friends and old. I've been extremely emotional. OK, I haven't really expressed that too much, but it's been there right below the surface. All it took was a few kind words and tears were in my eyes and sliding down my cheeks. I thought that it was all because of a lack of sleep, but I'm not sure now.

I know that not getting enough sleep will skew my view of the world, and I will automatically become more emotional. Just fair warning for all of you out there. By emotional, I usually mean tears. The big fat ones that well up in your eyes and blur your vision before they coat your lashes and face to finally fall off your chin and form a big wet puddle on your shirt. The ones that you don't even bother trying to hide or wipe away. The ones that release the hurt in your chest into slow deep breathing leading to bone tired need to rest.

Let me just say that for all my joy of sex, and of being in the company of guys, and not acting like a regular prissy, sensitive girl, I'm still a woman... needing love. Ugh! This is just getting too maudlin and self-pitying. C'mon, really... this isn't me. I'm starting to smile and laugh as I write now. I'm being just a little, OK, OK, get off my case, more than a little ridiculous.

Silly me. Maybe it's because I've been really open and revealing and so have other people I've been in contact with. I try not to get to involved in other people's hurt, but it doesn't work too well. My heart aches when I hear of their heartaches. I know I should just leave it, but how can I when people I care about are in pain.

Yes, I noticed, back to being maudlin. ENOUGH!!

Let's move on to different things, like the fact that I started, and have continued cleaning up the apartment. YAY CR!!! WAY TO GO BUD!!!! That is really how I talk to myself. Actually, I've been trying not to talk to myself too often because then it turns into overthinking. Quick, let's change the subject before I get drawn in. Even the word has a pull on me.


I've escaped. HOORAY!! So let's have fun.

I never told y'all about the dream. Whew! What a dream. First some background. I dream in technicolor with sounds and smells, feelings, and touch. I will also notice when I'm dreaming that I'm having a continuation of a dream I've had before. Some of the continuations take place weeks, and yes, years after the original dream. I remember dreams that I had when I was about five or six.

Soooooo, back to Pierce Brosnan. This man couldn't have exuded more desire, strength, and confidence if I had imagined him. OK, I did imagine him. But still, he came on strong, very strong, and believe it or not in the dream I just wasn't interested. Please don't start yelling at me. It was a dream. If he had approached me like that in real life, I would have followed him anywhere.

Sorry y'all, just read what I wrote and realized I can't post it. That's about all that's going out to you guys. If you want to hear more e-mail me. It's not that it's not G rated. It's that it's NR, maybe or not really X, but... well, whatever it is. I'm not putting it out there for the whole world.

Now on to NN. Since I've had some time to rest. I slept about a total 19 hours from the time Shabbos started until after Shabbos. I needed it, obviously.

So now I can think clearly, well, as clearly as I can think. I haven't asked NN all the questions that I would usually ask someone that I would date for tachlis. That is aside from the relocating. I'm not really sure where his income is coming from. What he see's himself doing in the future? If he thinks it would be possible for me to work part time, so that I could be home with DB and hopefully future kids? What kind of school he would like children to attend? And some other heavy duty questions.

Maybe that's why I'm not sure how I feel. I'm trying to prevent myself from feeling until I know I'm on the same page as he is and vice versa. I don't want to get pulled into the emotional part, and that's a big pull for me. I'm trying to keep my eyes open.

Anyway, he reads my blog. So this is basically a cop out. I was going to ask him over the phone tonight but he's not available. I think he might have read the post I wrote about him on Friday and he's pulling back. I don't know. You know what! This is not necessarily a cop out. This is where I figure things out for myself so if he chooses to read it. UGH! That's so not fair of me to write. NOW that is the cop out, by trying to blame him for reading this. Sorry....

Anyway, it looks like we're not going out tonight, next week or even next Sat. night. So I don't know what to think. This dating thing is such a pain. But the truth is I like him. I want to get to know him better. I want to ask him questions even though I am a big wuss and get all nervous. I also want to go out with him. See, I'm copping out again. Why don't I just call him and tell him this? Maybe he doesn't realize.

I was going to start this paragraph with the word "anyway" but noticed the two above it. Instead I'm just going to say that I'm not too good with this relationship/dating thing. I'm trying. I just need some help. So anyone out there have any thoughts please feel free to let me know it might make things easier.... or at least I'll learn something. Hey, here comes those lessons again.

update: just remembered what NN had to do tonight, and that he has to be up early tomorrow.

Tagged!

I was tagged by Frum House to do "the eight". This post took much longer than expected because I felt the need to explain my choices which is really another one of my passions... understanding the reason why about something.


8 passions in my life:

My family, especially DB - This means being a good daughter, sister, aunt, cousin and most importantly a good mother, and being a good mother includes not talking bad about DB's father to or around DB

Sex/men - Enjoying, appreciating, accepting and understanding (well, trying to understand) the differences between men and women and revelling in them.

Smiling/being able to laugh at most anything

Children - being with them, sometimes acting like one and viewing the world through their eyes

Reading - It was an escape for me when I was a child and I didn't want to/wasn't able to face the hurt in the world. It still is. Plus books are a source of knowledge and "if you can read a book you can do anything" - CR's mom

Judging someone favorably. You never know what they're going through or have been through.

Enjoying the world around me and being thankful for the ability to enjoy it which includes sunsets, water, wind, people

loving unconditionally and often - most definitely includes hugs and kisses... yummy.

If I could add something here it would be manners. They show that you respect, care about and are considerate of the people around you.


8 things I often say:

I don't know. What do you think? Let's go look it up. - I say this to DB to show him that adults don't know everything... no one does and that there's nothing wrong with admitting it, but then you have to go find the answer.

I'm not promising, but I'll do my best. - I DO NOT promise!!! I've been disappointed to many times by people who have promised things to me and I will not hurt anyone the same way.

Stooooooop it!!!! - said with laughter in my voice

OK, I admit it. You're right.

Bet you a nickel - in my family the most we bet, actually the only amount we bet is a nickel.

I was wrong. I'm sorry. - I say this to people when I'm wrong (No duh, CR), and that includes DB. I want him to understand that everyone deserves an apology even children.

All I care about is that you tried your best. - The result (sometimes) doesn't matter if you have tried and tried to do your best at something.

Thank you, Hashem. - I say this when I find something, when I see DB's smile, when I realize just how lucky I am, whenever and wherever.


8 books I read recently:

Time Travel in Einstein's Universe: The Physical Possibilities of Travel Through Time by J. Richard Gott - I am a geek and am actually enjoying learning physics or some of the concepts. This book explains how and if certain famous science fiction stories of time travel could work or not work.

Chofetz Chaim A Daily Companion; The Concepts and Laws of Proper Speech

Brother Odd by Dean Koontz. - I really enjoy his books. OK, that's an understatement. They are filled with love, determination, facing your fears, humor, and belief in the human race.

The EVERYTHING Parent's Guide to Children With Dyslexia by Abigail Marshall. - An amazing book that's filled with so much useful information about understanding and helping a child with dyslexia

If I Ran The Zoo by Dr. Seuss. - DB's choice for a bedtime story last night.

Pride And Prejudice by Jane Austen - I'm a sucker for romance.

Between Parent And Child by Dr. Haim G. Ginott revised and updated - A wonderful parenting book that teaches among other things not to blame just to acknowledge and move forward.

New York Civil Practice Law and Rules (2003 Redbook) and case law regarding divorce and child custody issues. I wish I was able to afford LexisNexis online. It would make my life so much easier. And yes, I know I need a newer version of the CPLR.


8 songs that mean something to me:

I Love You A Bushel And A Peck from Guys And Dolls - My mother still sings it to me and just about everyone else. I've adopted the practice and have passed it down to DB and some of his cousins.

Put Your Shoes On, Lucy by Petula Clark - We sing it when we are getting dressed and getting ready to go out.

Marine Corp Anthem - My father used to sing it to my brother and me as a lullaby.

It's An Outrage! from Oklahoma! - DB sings it by heart and with the exact accents, tones, inflections and actions as the actors.

My Little Boy words and music by my mom. - It was originally titled My Little Pearl but when my brother was born she would sing it to him as My Little Boy. I've added another verse specifically for DB.

Now Run Along Home And Jump Into Bed - My mother would sing it to us as the first lullaby of the night. She usually continued with at least one more song when putting us to sleep as children.

Everything Is Going To Be Alright music and words by my mom. The explanation about why I love this song is in this post.

Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond - Thursday nights cooking for Shabbos and dancing around the kitchen with my momand brother.


8 Qualities I look for in a friend:

Non-judgemental/acceptance

loving (which means giving of yourself without expecting anything in return)

making yourself available

sense of humor/fun-loving

understanding or trying to understand

ability to listen

kindness/caring

forgiveness


8 people I tag:

Tr8ergirl
Chaverah
Ellie
Curly Girl
Sarah
Shosh
Jack
Smoo
Lubab

I've realized that most of what I've written in this post has to do with being an example for DB so that he will one day grow up to be a happy, loving, considerate, caring man surrounded by others who feel the same for him.

Tired

Obviously, a lot has been going on this past week. I got stood up by Mr. B-Ball. Our date wasn't written in stone but he said he would call either way. The next night I saw him on Frumster and he still hasn't contacted me.

And finally the date with Denver was a bust. I was right... he wasn't for me. I think he expected us to spend the day together, but he never brought that up before he came into Oz. When I picked him up he had his computer and a camera with him. Maybe he was afraid they would get stolen in his hotel room. I found out later that he was staying in a hotel for Shabbos. I am well aware that he has friends in NY so I don't get that.

The thing is.... I was in no way attracted to him. The way he held himself really bugged me. It was in a martyring self-depreciating sort of way. Plus the fact that he wore black socks with sneakers (ugh! if you don't have white socks don't wear any) and his pants seam at the crotch was coming undone. Maybe he wanted my eyes to drift there, but there wasn't too much to see.
I mean, come on!!!!! Make sure you look nice before you go out on a date. It doesn't have to be fancy clothes but clean and in one piece is not too much to expect.

I was going to offer to pay for my meal, but I changed my mind. There was just something that rubbed me the wrong way... probably the fact that he expected to spend the day with me without even asking me. I was so glad that I was traveling to Kansas and had to finish packing up the car.

I wasn't rude or quiet. I felt very at ease and had a nice conversation with him, but I was so glad to see him go. I was SOOO BORED!!!

On to bigger and better things, and at least I got more practice in going out and in trusting my extincts. I haven't had time to write about Psycho. I learned another lesson with him. Don't give out your phone number especially if someone is so insistent about having it.

I'm too tired to write more and I have to travel back to Oz tonight or tomorrow. I'm all packed up though. That's why I can sit here at the pool and veg.

btw-thanks for all the caring in the comments on the last post. I don't usually like to get that down about the situation. I mean really how can I when DB is in the pool with a big grin on his face yelling at me to join him. Things could be much worse. Thank G-d they aren't!!!!

I Didn't Listen

I spent most of the night with Chassidish. It started with what has become our regular messaging on Frumster and ended at about 5 a.m. with me falling asleep while talking to him on the phone. He's got this voice that could melt butter... yeah, yeah, me and voices.

And yes, I know it won't work out. And yes, I called Bud and he reminded me of what happened when we dated and he couldn't move. Soooo.... I guess I will definitely deserve it if I get hurt. I've been forewarned. Ya see, I miss the closeness that you have in a relationship. Chassidish does too. I think we are both being stand-ins for Mr./Ms. Right until that person comes along.

Mr. B-Ball is fun to talk to, but I don't get the thrill.... the excitement that I get when I know it's Chassidish calling. I haven't heard from Prince in almost a week and Denver and I will be going out next Friday. I still don't see anything coming of that date but I'm going to give it a try anyway. BUT if I heard from Geek (I gave him my e-mail address and phone number in my last Frumster message to him) I wouldn't be talking to Chassidish, and he knows and understands that.

btw-not going to the Shabbaton in Baltimore, Maryland.... it's too much money for me to lay out and I'm tired of driving. Plus... I'll be honest with you... I want to go out with Chassidish. But maybe I'll go out with B-Ball instead. He mentioned something to me last night.

I'm too tired to continue... No duh, CR, you only got three hours of sleep, worked out, and then spent most of the day walking around the Museum of Natural History with DB.

It's All For The Best OR Thank You Hashem

I should realize at this point that there's a reason for everything. I know there are some of you out there who do not believe that Hashem is involved in the day to day dealings of us mere humans. I beg to disagree; at least this has been my experience. Instead of thinking like that yesterday I only felt sorry for myself that things weren't working out for me the way I wanted; which would not have necessarily been the best for me.
Almost every time I think that I have things under control I am reminded that I don't have control of everything and that it really comes from Hashem. I know that I sound all "frummy" but let me explain.

I just a call from Doll she spoke with Mr. Wonderful/Not-So-Wonderful's friends AND they told her to tell me to stay away. "He's mentally unstable" So it really was for the best that he didn't call me back. If he had, who's to say what could have happened. Soooooo.... thank you Hashem because I most certainly didn't see who he was and ultimately it could've/would've been bad for me and DB.

I guess I'm lucky in that I get to see some of these reasons of why things have worked out in certain ways this quickly. Soooo.... after another knock upside my head I have to acknowledge that I may not necessarily know what's best for me all the time and be able to control things around me all the time AND THAT IS REALLY NOT A BAD THING.

And the $50,000, well, money most certainly isn't everything. It sure would make life a little easier... OK, OK, a lot easier, but being in a healthy relationship is certainly worth that amount. Plus the fact that DB is still in my custody and I can try to take care of him to the best of my abilities. Boruch Hashem we are both alive, healthy (for the most part) and able to laugh and enjoy life. I just read the post on kindness happens and it brings the point home.

Thank you all for listening/reading (I write like I talk so to me it's like you are listening) to me kvetch, whine, cry... I'm over it now and moving on. But it definitely feels good to know that there are people out there who care. Hashem has taught me another lesson... that I'm not alone.... just by not getting a phone call.

In The Light Of Day Or Dr. Jekyll And Ms. Hyde

For some reason I tend to make relationship and dating mistakes after the sun has gone down. Some part of me emerges and takes control or maybe some part of me disappears and I lose control and become more involved with my feelings rather than follow what my intellect knows is the best path.

I received a message from Pen-Pal and wouldn't you know he started calling himself that on his own. I don't think he reads this blog even though he did start using that term immediately after my post. I thought I had a handle on things because even though we were corresponding it was still through frumster. It is now obvious to me that things have gotten out of control; my control that is. Pen's most recent message from two nights ago is doing the "Well, what if you met someone and fell in love? Wouldn't you stay in Oz?" and the "Are you sure you have to relocate?" I didn't lead him on or maybe I'm not aware that I am. What I just realized (UH, DUH!!! ) is that any contact or messaging is encouraging. Another lesson learned. What number am I up to now???

What to do? Since it's the light of day and I making sure to write him NOW, I know I should just say "Thanks, but I don't think it would be fair to either of us." Just to let you know he and I already agreed on this point, but I guess it needs to be reiterated. It should be my mantra. He even admitted to previously having a long distance relationship, it didn't work out, and he was left very hurt.

It appears to me that some people including me find the need for romantic contact or rather want someone to love them that they will even start a relationship that's bound to end in heartache. BTW-present company is always excluded. I don't know all you guys well enough to speak for you or your actions. I feel responsible. Actually I'm not going to accept full blame he's also responsible it takes two to tango.

Am I just too afraid to go out with someone available to me that I start a relationship with someone who is unavailable? Yes, I know that I am not the one who is starting i.e. I don't e-mail someone after they tell me they are unable to move. I also don't contact someone again who I've already discovered they are gud (geographically undesirable).

There's just one more thing to add into this mix I am a big flirt and it feels good to know that someone is interested in me. Actually, it feels DAMN GOOD!!! I've missed that... I'm the type of person that will smile at the guy behind me in line, start a conversation in the refrigerated section about yogurts, or wink at the guy stuck next to me in traffic. BUT I also smile at other women and talk to them too. I like getting reflex smile from someone who then realizes what they've done and smiles even broader because it feels good.

Does anyone else out there find their inhibitions and control falter once the stars come out? I'm talking about this happening without any other substances i.e. alcohol.