Give Me More

I don't like one word answers. I like reasons, and explanations.

I like to know why something took place or how come you feel a certain way.

I want to understand before I can accept. And I hate the answer that there is no rationale or logic for things to be the way they are.

If you feel a certain way, I want to know how you came to this point.

I don't know if I want to know all of this because I'm curious or because I feel that there is always a causality.

All I do know is that it's easier to explain to me the answer why, as opposed to telling me to do something because you said so. It usually also takes less time.

btw-I've noticed that same thing applies to DB

Unbelievable News!!!!

Drum roll please....... after many years in the court system and I'm sure more to go on other issues I still have wonderful news I would like to share with the whole world.

I am now legally divorced. Thank you Hashem.

It is _____ years to the day that I got my get. Talk about a miracle.

I wish the same freedom for any person out there who is waiting for their divorce and most especially for all the women out there who are waiting for their get. I hope it comes very very quickly and easily.

Just wanted to let y'all know as soon as I did. Gotta go pick up the darlin' boy.... more later.

It's In

The forensic report that is. And custody stays the same. I have full custody, legal and physical. The forensic didn't really have anything bad to say about me. I'm going to read it tomorrow at my attorney's. But this is

ABSOLUTELY, FREAKIN',


UNBELIEVABLYAMAZING!!!!!!!!


YAY!!!!! HOORAY!!! WOO HOO!!!!


I want to shout it from the rooftops. I don't have to worry about the way I parent DB anymore. Thank you, thank you, Hashem. If I had everyone's phone numbers I would have called all you guys and told you this great news.

Of course, it doesn't mean that anything about relocation is resolved, but it's one less thing for me to worry about. And it does help my case. The trial is still up in the air and it looks like I might be stuck in Oz for at least another six months, possibly a year but still.....

I want to hug and kiss everyone I see. I've been smiling and talking to strangers the whole day. Not about the case... just about whatever. I've been helping moms with babies and shopping carts, offering suggestions about books for children, offering cold drinks to the postman and doorman, letting old people cross the road and smiling and waving back to them, talking to garbage men, cashiers and anyone else I come in contact with. Don't stand too close I might start talking to you next. Some of these people initiated conversations with me, but that was only after I was smiling at them.

Hashem has created a beautiful world. I can finally care for DB without looking over my shoulder. Free at last. Free at last. Thank G-d Almighty I'm free at last!

Holidays Are Hard And So Is Limbo

My heart used to ache when DB went with his father for visits because I was concerned about his safety, it made my heart ache when he would cry and cry and say "I don't want to go, Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!" And I would smile and tell him he was going to have a good time and hold my tears back until he was out of sight. Then I would break down with great heaving sobs wishing that there was some way I could protect my child.

It's amazing what you learn to live with. I don't cry anymore and neither does DB. He wants to go with his father now. You can tell that he's afraid that if he doesn't his father won't love him anymore. He's a bright boy and knows that a parent shouldn't treat a child the way his father treats him.

Even when DB is taken on vacation or special trips with his father and I know that he will have some fun my heart is still full and heavy with tears. There's a knot in my throat that makes it hard to breathe and swallow. I'm still scared for is safety. Most of the time I can forget about it or at least trick myself into thinking that I've forgotten it. But especially with the trial coming up I'm a lot more sensitive and scared to death. This is DB's life at stake, and I'm afraid.

It's difficult, that's a complete understatement, to sit around and wait for the report from the forensic. A lot is depending on that. If she's in favor of the relocation then there probably won't be a trial. Imagine having to let someone else decide what is best for your child and if you contradict there's a chance that you will lose the right to care for him and send him directly into harm's way.

I am going bonkers from waiting. Even if I knew that there was going to be a trial, and that would probably mean an appeal after for a total of another year and a half to two in the court system, I would be able to handle it... that is, of course, after the fist raising at Hashem, screams of why and floods of tears. I would get down to case law and writing.

The stbx is trying to break me with all these years of fighting. He thrives on it and lives for craziness. But I'm not going to crack or give in. I'm a mother backed into a corner so don't mess with me. I will do what I have to even if it's pretending that everything is fine or soon will be so that DB won't worry. I won't give in even when the powers that be think his lies are truly gospel from the mount.

I'm just tired of it.... but that doesn't mean I will give up... not ever... ever.... ever...

A Little Break

It's the last day of school!!!! We made it through the year!!!! Leaving Oz and away to Kansas we go for a long weekend or maybe even a week. Bike riding, swimming, maybe strawberry picking, sailing, planting, pruning, catching lightning bugs, science museum, and possibly a state fair, definitely fishing and a state park. Boy, doesn't that sound relaxing. Maybe not relaxing, but tons of fun.

And then three dates with three different guys to look forward to when I come back. WHOA!!!

PLUS!!!!!!! I finished paperwork for the forensic and am dropping it all off today. There won't be anything hanging over my head. Absolutely fantastic. Thank you, Hashem!!!

It's All For The Best OR Thank You Hashem

I should realize at this point that there's a reason for everything. I know there are some of you out there who do not believe that Hashem is involved in the day to day dealings of us mere humans. I beg to disagree; at least this has been my experience. Instead of thinking like that yesterday I only felt sorry for myself that things weren't working out for me the way I wanted; which would not have necessarily been the best for me.
Almost every time I think that I have things under control I am reminded that I don't have control of everything and that it really comes from Hashem. I know that I sound all "frummy" but let me explain.

I just a call from Doll she spoke with Mr. Wonderful/Not-So-Wonderful's friends AND they told her to tell me to stay away. "He's mentally unstable" So it really was for the best that he didn't call me back. If he had, who's to say what could have happened. Soooooo.... thank you Hashem because I most certainly didn't see who he was and ultimately it could've/would've been bad for me and DB.

I guess I'm lucky in that I get to see some of these reasons of why things have worked out in certain ways this quickly. Soooo.... after another knock upside my head I have to acknowledge that I may not necessarily know what's best for me all the time and be able to control things around me all the time AND THAT IS REALLY NOT A BAD THING.

And the $50,000, well, money most certainly isn't everything. It sure would make life a little easier... OK, OK, a lot easier, but being in a healthy relationship is certainly worth that amount. Plus the fact that DB is still in my custody and I can try to take care of him to the best of my abilities. Boruch Hashem we are both alive, healthy (for the most part) and able to laugh and enjoy life. I just read the post on kindness happens and it brings the point home.

Thank you all for listening/reading (I write like I talk so to me it's like you are listening) to me kvetch, whine, cry... I'm over it now and moving on. But it definitely feels good to know that there are people out there who care. Hashem has taught me another lesson... that I'm not alone.... just by not getting a phone call.

Ups And Downs OR Justice And The Law Are Not The Same

I really try very hard to stay positive, but sometimes I just feel beaten down. Like today, just got some news from my attorney about the divorce and an unjust decision by the court. It looks like another appeal I have to write and write it I damn well will!!!! I don't curse, unless you consider saying "fudge" a curse word. In fact, you can ask Bud. He used to comment on that a lot when we were going out.

I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes so frustrated because it feels like things will never end. It also feels like if you don't have money or aren't psycho the system is bound to eat you alive. BUT I just won't give up. No matter what DB is counting on me (even if he doesn't know it) to take care of him and make sure that he doesn't get hurt... physically, emotionally, mentally. Sometimes it's a helluva lot for my shoulders to bear so of course it makes me wish for someone else in my life to tell me it's gonna be okay.

That's what makes this next part so funny (ironically, of course). Friday's date was great. Mr. Wonderful stood outside the restaurant in the street to save me a parking space. When we saw each other we just smiled for awhile and laughed. When we ate he was staring into my eyes for minutes at a time, and then he volunteered some more very personal stuff about himself and his family. After we ate and went back to the car he gave me a book. The one we had been discussing. Time Travel In Einstein's Universe about the physical possibilities of time trave. (Bud, you might like this, but I'm not sure how you feel about physics and there's a lot of it in the book).

I drove him to his friend's house and we got stuck in traffic for two hours. But there was never a lack of anything to say and even when we got quiet for a moment or two it was easy and comfortable. Sooo this is my question... why haven't I heard from him? He's been on Frumster and has definitely seen me on Frumster.

Now I'm just waiting for the third thing to happen. Haven't you ever heard of bad things coming in threes? At least I'm prepared and waiting for the shoe to drop.

Days like these make me ask "WHY???" Why does Hashem put so much hurt in this world? Why do children have to suffer? Why can't Hashem sometimes let up and help me help my son?

I know, I know.... I'm getting overemotional. I mean really, what does $50,000 mean to someone who is so deep in debt that the credit card companies aren't even bringing her to court for judgements because it would just be a waste of their money since I have no assets. You gotta laugh at that one... I do... I'm on pretty good terms with a lot to the collectors and at this point believe it or not they're nice to me.

I'm disappointed... No duh, CR and I'm talking to myself. It's just that I thought there was something good going on with Mr. Not-So-Wonderful. All you have to do is say or write I'm busy or I don't think this right for me. Jesus Christ!!!!! What is so hard about that??? Well, I'm not a guy and I'm most certainly not an insecure, unfeeling guy so I can't really speak for .....
I'm just not into game playing. I'm straight out honest and I guess you could say extremely naive. I'm just not cut out for Oz. I kind of hope and expect that decency and justice rules the world when in fact I'm constantly faced with the opposite.

Now that I have thoroughly brought all the rest of you down with me, it's time to just forget about it and keep on trying and moving forward. Sometimes though I would like to just hop on a plane to Hawaii or Venice or Eretz Yisrael. Doesn't Hashem listen to tefillos?? And when is it going to end??

Enough, enough, already!!!! It's time to tell you how funny it was that I woke up very early this morning and couldn't get back to sleep. Guess who was on Frumster??? Yup, Mr. Not-So-Wonderful. Ohh, forgot to tell you that I probably broke the rules when I left him a message after Shabbos asking how his went? And then when I texted him a thank you for the book. Whatever... I'm not a rules person...

Anyway, now that I've been rambling self-pity it's time to stop. Hey!!!!!! School is almost out!!! I was never even this happy about school ending when I was a kid. It's just that it's so stressful for DB and I can't wait!!! I've been keeping him posted on how many days he has left.

Before I forget-- Happy Father's Day for all you good dads out there who care about, love and put your children first. Your children will be forever grateful that you did.