The Ones You Love

OK, so I have the title, but what about the rest.

This is just going to be a rambling post. It feels like I haven't posted in a couple of days. I guess I'm getting used to writing. It's become something that I miss like a loved one far away. Perhaps you don't think of them every second, but when your world gets quiet they fill your thoughts.

I had some strange dreams over Shabbos. And I mean STRANGE! My dreams are usually very vivid and that includes this one. I can even remember the street signs and the names of the people I met. It started with someone moving in next door to my mom's house. A couple around my age, with no kids, and a spotted mutt.

They were celebrating their anniversary with a good friend (guy), and their parents. Somehow I got pulled into it and we were watching old movies. The friend and I were hitting it off because I was impressed with the fact he knew the names of the actors and had seen other movies starring them. Actually, the real reason why I was impressed was that the movies were romantic ones, and he just didn't strike me as the type of guy who would watch them let alone remember them.

I felt pulled towards him and shy and embarrassed at the same time which, of course, caused me to trip over my own feet while helping carry the dessert plates to the kitchen. I could feel my face turn warm, and can feel it right now even though it was only a dream.

You can tell that dream was definitely realistic. Sooo something that I would do. Except in real life the plates would have crashed to the floor breaking into pieces.

When I left the house I couldn't remember his name, and I remember getting all flustered again and hoping he didn't notice. Of course, that wasn't the case. He winked like he knew what I was feeling which ended up with me almost falling down the stairs outside.

My dream somehow shifted to ex-boyfriends. (Yes, I have a lot of them) Moshe was the one who had the starring role. In the dream he wanted to marry me. I thought it was kind of funny in my dream because we cared about each other very much in real life, but I don't think he ever really felt that way about me. Just to let you know, I sometimes recognize the fact that I'm dreaming or that my dreams incorporate so much of real life that during them I'm trying to figure out when things actually took place, or feelings changed.

Back to Moshe... He looked like Moshe, blonde hair, blue eyes, Cubs baseball cap, white T-shirt, blue jeans and several inches taller than I was. He spotted me from his apartment where he was having a party and his buddies started yelling at me to stop. They were shouting that Moshe had something important to ask me. I remember being very surprised because it was during a Cub's game, and nothing came between Mosh and his Cubs, but there he was running across the lawn to me. I started running away once I realized what it was he was going to ask me.

I've always loved Moshe. No! Not like that. Even though, we did fool around a bit. I met Moshe my first year in seminary and we both went back second year. You might think that I was rebellious and didn't respect my teachers and rebbeim, but that wasn't the case, even though he did sleep over in our apartment one night. That was a fun night. And no, I wasn't thrown out, even though I walked into sem the next day sporting a hickey in plain sight.

OK, back to the crazy dream. Before Mosh had a chance to ask me the dream slipped into a different scene. It was Pesach and my family was having a seder with another ex-boyfriend's family. They've never really met, and I remember being surprised that we were all together. The ex wasn't there though. At some point his parents made a disparaging comment about me, and my mother took umbrage. (No, I don't use the word umbrage in my regular speech, but it fits here and it's fun to do.) A big fight ensued and I slipped out the door not wanting to get involved.

That's when Mark, Izzy, and some other exes showed up, and I got lost trying to get to some other friends. I was wearing pink yummy fleece pajamas, my winter coat, my big clodhopper snow boots and my usual baseball cap, Yankees, of course.

The rest of this dream will have to wait...

And I think that I'll also write the post that should go with the above title.

She Wouldn't Listen Anyway

I just found out that DB's dad, my ex, got engaged the last days of Pesach. While I am very happy for this occurrence I do feel bad for her. If I felt it would do any good, I would tell her the reasons why I wanted a divorce and that she should protect herself and her children and run very fast and far away.

I like her. She's sweet and treats DB nicely which is extremely important. It sounds like she comes from a nice family because her parents also treat DB well. I just feel so bad for her children and worry about their safety like I worry about DB's when he's with his dad.

It would be nice to think that the ex has changed, but because of his recent behavior I know that isn't so.

Guest Post

I've been kinda busy this past week as I'm sure all of you have been. And if you haven't, try not to rub it in our faces.

It's not like my fingers haven't been itching to get some words down "on paper." I even started two posts. One of which has become a story which may or may not end up on my blog. Of course, I didn't finish the posts, so they weren't posted. Should I write another sentence or two with the word post in it. Sorry, just a little punch drunk... haven't been getting too much sleep.

So I got an e-mail from a reader offering his services... NO! Not like that!!! Get your minds out the gutter!! He offered to post for me. And of course, I said, "yes." I believe in making my life easier soooo... I would like to introduce you to Yossi and his rant on wooden spoons and Pesach cleaning.



I’ve been thinking about this all day, as I furiously scrub down my apartment ahead of the looming deadline, and I have reached a conclusion: It’s all because of the wooden spoons.

For as far back as anyone can remember, Jews have been buying wooden spoons to use during the b’dikas chametz ceremony, even though they serve no known function. They simply get carried around for a little while, then get burned with the crumbs found. Despite the lack of utility, great effort has generally gone into getting these spoons, and no Passover can be complete without one. Or so it seems.

I trace back the entire genre of senseless, unreasoned, extra-halachic stringencies to this dynamic, all provoked by the lowly wooden spoon.

Why wash off the chametz before putting it away? Why clean in places no rabbi ever demanded? Why spend extra to buy unwashed eggs, so the shell shouldn't touch (non-chametz) soap? Why hire anti-Semitic Eastern Europeans to steal, break, and scratch everything in the house? Why raise the home tension level and blood-pressure to unsafe levels?

Does anyone think that the rabbis of the Talmud did such things? They didn’t even have aluminum foil!

The Ben Ish Chai, Chief Rabbi of Baghdad at a time when that community was very rich and living in huge homes,wrote a “Mussar” letter to the women in the community. I paraphrase: “Don’t be lazy when it comes to Pesach preparation and cleaning. You are privileged to live in large homes, and have plenty of help, so don’t wait until the last minute! Start cleaning two, maybe even three, days before the holiday!”

I rest my case. And my pruny-looking dishwater hands. Excuse me while I go learn Divrei Torah on the Hagada.

Boy, Am I Happy!

That's right I'm happy... grinning from ear to ear... DB is back. I missed him soooooo much. Having him in my arms made the world right.

I picked him up from his father's and then off we went back to Kansas. That's a lot of driving for one day and I wished that I could take a nap just like DB did within a half hour of us being on the road. Looking at his sleeping face in the rearview mirror almost brought me to tears. Just beneath the surface of that big boy face, I could see the little baby one that I used to look at sleeping in his crib... the sweet chin... the dark lashes brushing his cheeks. I wish I could take care of him and protect him from the world, but that's not possible. Instead I hope that I am giving him the strength, resilience, and confidence that he can get through anything and still find the joy and beauty that the world has to offer.

When we got to Kansas he behaved so beautifully, held the door for Zaidy when he was bringing in groceries. Said thank you to Saba for the new pin for his baseball hat. (It's a Marine baseball hat heavy with ribbons and pins that my dad gives to him each time we're down. OORAH!!!)
And made sure to give Bubbi tons of hugs and kisses.

Boy, do I love this boy!!



DATING UPDATE:

There's a new guy to add to the field and he lives in Denver but is willing to relocate. WOW! I can't believe that there are now two guys willing to relocate. Denver is extremely intelligent, but I don't know if a spark is there or not. I've spoken to him a couple of times now. In CR terms, that means at least an hour conversation each time. He's very well read, extremely well read, and has a love of books that rivals mine including science fiction. And has already sent me an e-mail after we last talked, and will be calling after Yontif even though we've talked about DB and his father and all the issues involved.

NM is still trying to convince me not to relocate, but I've made sure that he understands that it's just going to be one date. He wants it to take place as soon as possible. So maybe even this coming Wednesday night. We've been speaking several times a day. I am not the one doing the calling he is.

Mr. Willing wrote me before Pesach that he is going away, but will contact me as soon as he's back.

It's difficult keeping track of everyone. It helps to write it down. I'm thinking of putting my picture under password again. I'm really not that great at juggling, and I can't remember who I've told what to. Bud's been great, and he's really helping me focus on what's important. Gotta love The Buuuuuud.

One happy mom saying, Good Yontif, Chag Sameach, and all that stuff...... :)

Buds

I spoke with Charm (have to find a new name for him) and at first I felt the tug, but by the time we finished talking it was gone. I switched into "Bud" mode. We talked about me going out with other guys, but also him going out with other girls. That really helped. I'm used to doing that with my guy friends.... not that I have too many of them nowadays. Most of them are married and I don't feel that it's right that I should call or that they should speak to me as often. Actually, after someone dates me the next person they go out with they marry. It's happened to at least six guys. I'm wondering what that says about me. Maybe I should hire myself out. Wait a minute!!! That didn't come out right. But it is funny... hee hee ;)

Bud used my name the other day. What's the deal? I told him that I felt it was a way for him to keep a distance between us. Guess now that he doesn't need to worry about that he can call me my name.

Today I contacted Mr. Willing-to-Relocate from Frumster. I'm looking forward to dating some more and I think he would be a lot of fun. He's smart, funny, attractive, and willing to relocate. WOW!!!! He's told me that he like Kansas and could see himself living there. We haven't spoken yet, but I'm looking forward to hearing his voice, and he wants to get together before I cut my hair. It was supposed to be cut before Pesach, but there wasn't enough time.... so, it'll be cut right before Shavuos.

I'm also thinking about going red. Maybe the same color as the actress, Julianne Moore, or a little darker. I've been blonde and now, brunette. Why not try red? I wonder how people will react to me as a redhead. Even though I have dark hair now, I still feel and act as if I'm blonde. What I really think is that it's all in the attitude or as I tell Bud "in the way someone stands and holds themselves". That is what I believe can make a person appear more attractive to others. I guess, it's also like power and those who have it act in a certain way that draws people towards them. Similar to that, is how someone happy is usually surrounded by others that are or want to be happy too. The opposite of which is illustrated by the quote "misery loves (miserable) company."

Enough analyzing... Pesach is just about here and my mom is calling. Next year I hope to be settled in Kansas with DB... that is if we're not all in Eretz Yisrael with Moshiach.

Chag Kasher V'Sameach!!!!! Enjoy your friends and families!!!!

btw-Control won't stop calling me now. What's up with that???