Thursday, March 22, 2007

Not Anytime Soon

I just got off the phone with Gretel. It's not her real name, but a nickname I've called her since we've been eight. She's now a rebbetzin with 9 beautiful children, and one of my best friends. I don't get to see her often because she lives in Boston, teaches and is a part-time cpa, not to mention starting her own business, and doing some catering on the side. There are times when we will go months without talking. But we always pick up right where we left off without any hesitation or awkwardness. Gretel's thoughts especially with regard to me are sound and correct. I value her opinion even if I don't necessarily follow it because she always has my best interests at heart. She's my sounding board, my shoulder to cry on, and my mirror. I don't know what I would do without her.

Well, yes I do know. I wouldn't be sitting here trying to figure out what is going on between Charm and me, and what to do about it. You see, I can't say that I am 100% sure that I will be moving to "Kansas" this summer. After becoming entangled in this system for over 6 years I have learned that things don't always happen the way they should according to case law etc.... If they did I could say with certainty that I would be moving. It also appears that even though we were supposed to have a trial regarding relocation at the end of May it will not take place then. The forensic psychologist informed me today that even if she started the evaluation this afternoon it would not be complete for at least 8-10 weeks. Kind of took me by surprise.

You would think that nothing regarding this mess could do that to me anymore. I am also the only party who has contacted her. So now I am the one responsible for getting her the court order of appointment which details who is responsible to pay for her services. It feels like the whole system has the mentality of the stbx in thinking that if they ignore something it will take care of itself and/or cease to exist. It's hard to take care of these matters and face things when no one else including your attorney is helping you. All I want is to go on with my life and take care of myself and my son. I believe that the best possible way for this to take place would be for me to relocate with DB to Kansas.

There are numerous reasons why I want to go back home to "Kansas." My brother and his family live in Eretz Yisrael, and my parents are divorced so when my parents get sick I take care of them. I deal with their doctors etc.... My parents are usually healthy, but they are getting older and my dad suffers from a chronic condition that periodically flares up.

I now understand what people say when you save a life you are responsible for it, for the person. I feel that way about my dad. Around 17 years ago after my father had an operation and was brought back to his room in the hospital I noticed that his breathing was slowing and told the nurse. She told me to count his breaths and keep track of it. When my father's breathing continued to slow I had to get on her case to call a resident. My father was given a shot (narcan, to get the painkiller out of his system) and then the doctor told me to keep track of my father's breathing. Before they came back to check on my dad I had to call the nurse again and tell her that his breathing was slowing down dramatically. They gave him another shot of narcan and when that didn't work transferred him to ccu. If I had not stayed the night...

The same thing took place this past Succos after first days of Yontif. My dad was in the emergency room and my aunt had left, but I didn't feel comfortable leaving my dad alone even though he was feeling better. His breathing slowed and once again I was the one who noticed and had to tell the nurse and doctor. They were in the process of transferring him to a room and then turned him around and kept him in emergency. The narcan worked this time, but I stayed the whole night again.

Another reason to move to "Kansas" is DB and the loving attention he would receive from all our family members. A HUGE, major point is this school that I saw. DB would get the help he so desperately needs and wants. I haven't found a school like it up here in Oz. A frum school that is able to teach him in a multi-sensory fashion, and give him the basic skills, but at the level he needs to keep him intellectually stimulated.

There's also a school that I would like to attend about an hour away from Kansas. Because of the the immersion in the language my ASL (American Sign Language) skills would improve and my certification for interpretation could be finished must faster than if I stayed here in Oz. I'm seriously considering going into special ed. and deaf studies. I love kids and have experienced first hand the frustration they experience due to learning disabilities, i.e. DB. Showing them they are capable of learning would be extremely rewarding. This would mean more school for me, but I don't think I mind especially if I was in school in Kansas.

Plus not having to worry about babysitters... like paying them or being concerned about them showing up, let alone showing up on time would be a load off my mind and wouldn't put a dent in my wallet. There are enough cousins, aunts and uncles who love to spend time with DB that they would be fighting over who gets to stay with him even while he sleeps. We have about 200 family members not to mention close friends who are included as part of the family. I could work while DB was in school and earn more money than I do right now.


socialworker/frustrated mom said...

You have lots on your plate, you seem to be dealing very well.

smoo said...

Just curious, but how would taking db away from regular contact with his father affect his relationship with his father and what role does parental rights (father's visitation) play in this?

And I have to include this but the word verification I have to copy below is 'eetme'

come running said...


I'm trying my best some days are better than others.


DB would still have regular contact with his father. I am willing to bring him back to Oz every other weekend. It would just be a reverse trip since we would be living in Kansas. Whenever we're in Kansas or at home in Oz I have DB call his father before Shabbos and Yontif. We have a custody stipulation already. I am the full legal and custodial guardian. His father is now trying to get custody, but there's no way that's going to happen. DB's father is an addict, and is verbally, emotionally and physically abusive to DB. The state got involved and there was some supervised visitation. He is still on probation so to speak until May. If any drug tests come back positive the case will be re-opened by the state in family court.

Of course, stbx knows the ways to get around the tests. Before the radioimmunasay hair test which he managed not to take for over a year even after three court orders, he cut his hair so it was less than an inch in length. Britney Spears did kind of the same thing.

In the marriage I only experienced the verbal and emotional part. I guess his father feels more comfortable picking on someone much smaller than he.

I want DB to have a relationship with his father, but I want to make sure he is safe. His father has had years to get help and has not done so.

I also feel that the child's rights should come before either parents. The system does not always go according to that.