If The Name Fits

...and it does. Mr. Rose is a "Good Man." I was re-reading old posts last night and realized that Mr. Rose most definitely fits the bill. I even called him up and read it to him. He started laughing and said that I was describing him. WOW!!! I found one. I knew they existed somewhere in the dating jungle, but I just didn't know where they were hiding.

The thing is (drum roll please) he's not from Oz. Nothing against y'all from the Emerald City, but this Dorothy likes them from hills. Well, at least I like this one from the hills. And yes, I really, and I mean really, like him. OK, OK, I guess it's time for me to finally say it... I like him a lot!! Psych!!!

Fine I'll say it. The words that I am dancing around are... I love him.

You heard it here first. I love Mr. Rose. I didn't plan on it happening, but it did just the same. The man has won my heart... completely. And here comes the kicker, I don't just love him, I'm in love with him. He makes me feel beautiful, safe and loved. I trust him. I know that I've written it before about him in my blog, but the love just grows. This love feels like it's settling in my heart or maybe putting in roots. It's simple and strong.

It's so funny how with the other men I dated it was so easy for me to write that I might love them, but now with him it's different. It's just so personal. It's something special. UGH!!! That sounds so trite and just... UGH!!! What I'm trying to say is that it's, it's something that just he and I share.

I don't know if I'm making any sense. Some of you might understand. Anyway, that's also why I haven't written about our sex life. Kind of weird, isn't it? I will say this. His kisses make me disappear, chills run down my spine and my skin burns at his touch. I've never felt like this before. No man has ever, ever made me feel like this. I'm just so glad that it's him because otherwise I'd have a problem... hee hee ;)

A Visit

Mr. Rose is coming to Oz to have dinner with me. We talk everyday, and I've been getting to know him better as a person, friend and especially a man. He sent me more music and his understanding of who I am blows me away. He is kind and loving which is something that I have been searching for but there is so much strength and passion contained within him. I thought that I might have to forgo that.

Even if things don't work out between us, I have learned so much about myself from him.

But I think I just might want to give it a try.

btw-Tripped GOING UP the stairs to work yesterday. Everyone, including me, got a good laugh out of that one.

Make A Wish

Just something that was easy and fun to write



Sometimes it would catch her by surprise. She would look at the clock and there it would be staring at her waiting for her dreams.... 11:11 "Make a wish." That's what her friends had taught her. And she would.

When she first learned about it the wishes were of ponies, a new bike, pink ballet slippers, and a brand new baseball glove that had to be broken in with saddle soap, a baseball in the pocket, secured with rubber bands and then put under your mattress.

She wasn't all girlie girl. Her best friend David could attest to that. Hell, with a nickname like Frankie you knew she didn't sit at home polishing her fingernails waiting for a boy to call.

Baseball was what brought them together. They became friends that first day at camp when she stole his favorite hat from his sweaty head and took off running. She wore it the rest of the day and it didn't bother her that it had never been washed. It was the summer before both of them were going into fourth grade, and they were inseparable.

It's not that they were outcasts. They both had friends of the same sex. It's that they were most comfortable when it was just the two of them . They understood each other. Her friends (girls) didn't get it when she talked rbi's, era's, and her dreams to play shortstop. Day's friends (boys) didn't understand his love of reading and writing. When they were together there was an easiness; conversations switching between how their team could've lost last night's game to which book was their favorite that week.



They hated the teasing, and they got it a lot. Their parents, friends and siblings just wouldn't let up. She was the only girl invited to his bar-mitzvah and as soon as he said hello at the party they both heard the kissy sounds of his classmates. He told her they were jealous when he saw the tears in her eyes as she ran from the party. And it was then that he realized that they probably were and with good reason.

She was special and even if she was only a buddy, she was his.

It took her longer to realize. All through high school, he listened to her as they would throw the ball around, about this guy or another. He never told her how he felt. He was always afraid she would laugh and think he was joking. She dated almost every guy in his class and some in the classes above and below. The almost was that she didn't date him.

It was the summer after their graduation when he told her. They were both going away to school, and he was afraid he would lose her to a college guy. He had almost lost her earlier that year. He remembered listening to her talk once again about how she felt about someone other than him, except this guy wanted to marry her. It shocked him into action.

She laughed while talking about it. Finding it so very funny that someone could even think of her in that way. She still loved baseball and hanging with the boys. She couldn't see herself as someone's wife and then later as a mom.

He took another look at the girl he loved and realized that she wasn't a girl anymore. Other people saw her as a young woman with a brilliant smile that would light up her eyes even if they were hidden behind glasses and under that ever present baseball hat.

Again

When did things get so intense?

I just spent awhile going through some old letters, and started remembering how much fun I had/have with you. It made me smile and laugh. I relaxed while thinking about you doing and saying silly things.

Sometimes you just need to enjoy each other's company. And that's me talking to myself. I know you are well aware of this and have been trying to knock it into my head.

I like you and spending time with you. That's it.



btw-Don't even try and think that you knew I would do this!!!! You sooooooo didn't.

Laughing

I just got off the phone with Petey and I'm still giggling. Our conversation went from subject of divorce to phantom sex to the CIA to Bamba, and I actually got him to laugh too.

Life is much easier when you can laugh at things that are so horrible they are unbelievable. Personally I prefer to laugh at just about everything including myself (some of the things I do are pretty ridiculous).

Which reminds me, I got my gas cap stolen today while I was at work. No, I didn't get gas on my way to work and have the serviceman forget to put it on. I was walking to my car after work and saw the gas door open. I checked and my gas cap was gone. The funny thing about it was that my car was completely unlocked and they could have taken anything they wanted.

What is even better is that I left my keys in the ignition. They could have taken the whole car. I couldn't stop laughing as I was driving home. The thought came to me that they realized the gas cap was worth more than the whole car so why bother taking the rest of it. This made me laugh even harder.

You Know You're Tired When...

you're talking to your friend in Israel and you want to charge your phone so you won't have to worry about it dying on you tomorrow...


BUT just can't remember where you put it!!!


It appears that even though I'm not a blonde anymore some of the ditziness still remains.

DB's List

At brunch today we went around the room and everyone mentioned what they loved the best about their mom. DB was second and he brought tears to my eyes. "I love my mom 'cause she helps me with homework." That's true. We sit together sometimes for hours working.

"I also love my mom because she got me Cutie." That's his cat. Since DB doesn't have any brothers or sisters to commiserate with when mom has been "unfair", I made sure he had a pet to tell all his troubles too. She's one of his best friends in the world.

The last thing DB said was what surprised me and touched me, "I love my mom because she finds the bright side to things." Wow! I felt so proud of my son for recognizing this trait and appreciating it. The other adults gave me looks over his head as if to say you have a very special boy. He hasn't even made it into double digits, but his confidence and ability to express himself is something I would expect of a much older child.

We have a lot of craziness in our lives, and I try to keep things easy and simple for DB. Sometimes it's just not possible, and that's when I try to find something good in what's going on. In some instances, there's just no way to do this, and it would also be denying the awfulness of what's taking place. But whenever I can I try to find something that DB and I can smile and laugh over.

The weird thing about this is that I admire this trait in DB, and I've told him so. I guess I didn't realize that I was the one he was learning it from.

The Message

I listened to it three times, and then saved it so I could listen to it again. It was a rough afternoon for me, and Cowboy just happened to call 5 minutes after all the craziness was going on. I was angry, upset, sad, frustrated, and so much more. Anyway, it all worked out in the end, plus I got this funny message from him.

Listening to his happy voice, smiling in my ear, his laughter while he's teasing me, knowing that he could get away with it, and that it would only make me smile... saying those words and both of us knowing that it's true.

There's so much to say, but it's all mishkibibbled up in my mind. But that message made me laugh and want to fly hundreds of miles just to kiss him for leaving it. Of course, if I flew that many miles I would end up doing more than kiss him. C'mon, what do you expect??? It's me, and well, let's just say he does it for me, and I'd like to do it for and to him.

OK, OK, I've got sex on the brain tonight, and no comments from you smartasses saying that I'm always thinking about sex (even though it may be true). Ummmm, it's just that he encourages these thoughts, and I can't and don't want to resist. How can I resist anyway??? He's got THE VOICE. Maybe that's what I should have called him instead of Cowboy. Too bad, I'm not going to go changing his name now.

Back to his kisses... Yeah, I know. I haven't kissed him... yet. But I know what they'll be like, and how my knees will get weak and I'll have to hold onto him even tighter so that I won't fall with his voice whispering in my ear.

Hmmm, it looks like it's time for me to stop writing, but I won't stop thinking about his hands on me. I've got a good imagination... a very good imagination.

Happy Girl

How can you be angry at someone who knows you better than you know yourself? At someone you don't even want to be angry with? At someone who knows you just want to pick a fight and don't really want to hurt them?


I was upset when he called. He knew from the second he heard my voice that something was wrong, but he didn't push and ask me about it. I was trying hard not to be argumentative, but then he asked me if I wanted to fight. It appears that I can't hide things from him, not that I really want to or maybe I do.

Something he said made me smile and he knew it would. The next thing I knew there were tears in my eyes and he offered me his shoulder to cry on. That did it and I felt the wet drops trace a hot path down my cheeks. My voice didn't catch in my throat and I wasn't sniffling so there was no way for him to know I was crying. His soft words soothed and relaxed me as if he were holding me in his arms.

Usually when I'm that distressed the tears will go on for quite some time, but as he tells me he's "magic." Never have I felt better in such a short amount of time and with less tears. The next thing I know I'm giggling again.


OR


I'm not upset when he calls, and then he says just the words that he knows will bug me. It's done on purpose to get a rise out of me, and it works of course. He's got his fingers on what buttons to push.

Then he chuckles, and he is most definitely aware that this only infuriates me more. Two seconds later he tells me something that has me cracking up despite myself. This makes him laugh even harder knowing that I'm trying my best to stay irritated with him and that I'm losing the battle. My giggles inform him that he has won again.


Either way it's hard to stay angry at a man who makes me happy... a very happy girl.

Babies

I love to be around them, love holding them and when you lean down to kiss them smelling that oh-so-sweet fresh baby smell, a mixture of baby shampoo, baby powder and soft baby skin.

Obviously, I have spent some time with babies this past week, and this afternoon giggle baby and I spent some time laughing together. He's just a mush, and a delicious cuddle bug. He's very smart, and loves to joke around, if you can imagine a little one not yet two, playing jokes.

His eyes get big and there's a mischevious glint in them. That in and of itself makes me laugh and then he pretends that he cannot find me just like I sometimes do with him. It is very difficult to be sad, upset or even serious when you are holding a smiling small person in your arms. Maybe that's why I've always loved children.

Ow! I Did It Again

Yup, I did it again... self-inflicted.

Late last night I was having a conversation with a good bud of mine in Israel. I was in bed while I was talking because it was so late, around 2 a.m. He wanted some help with something so I was on my laptop (to you smart asses out there, not actually sitting on it) and I was trying to get comfortable.

Maybe it happened because I was tired, maybe because the conversation had most of my attention, maybe because I was trying to find something on my computer at the same time, or just maybe it was because I'm very talented at inflicting different wounds on myself. I scooted my tush to lean back in bed and BANG! I conked the back of my head on the wall behind me.

Yes, I knew there was a wall behind me. It's what I lean my pillows up against when I'm writing, reading or working. No, the wall has not moved any closer to my bed recently, and no, I had not been drinking.

I've got a nicely sized raised bump on my head. When I do something, I make sure to do it right. But at least it can't be seen like some of my other mishaps here and here and yes, here. And I finally understand the saying "seeing stars". The pain took a minute to register and then WHOMP! It hit me like a ton of bricks, or a cement wall, take your pick.

Hand me another bag of ice and stop laughing!! OK OK, how can I ask you to stop when it still makes me giggle, hee hee. I hope the swelling will go down enough so that I can put on one of my numerous baseball hats when I go to pick DB up from school.

I'm Lucky

I'm very lucky actually. I have wonderful friends. They care, listen, understand and are there for me. Most of my friends right now are new ones, but just as dear to me as the ones I made in third grade while cutting gym and hiding under the teacher's desk listening to my new radio.

Basically, the reason for this post is a big THANK YOU!!! You make life easier and much more enjoyable. You put up with my tears and make my cheeks hurt from laughing and smiling so much. I wouldn't trade y'all for anything.

Really?

I haven't thought of myself as factious, but just tonight a friend told me that I'm contrary, defiant, like to question authority, and rebellious. I just laughed and told him that it's not surprising he said that considering who he is. Then I laughed some more just to irritate him.

Smiling

. The words are all jumbled so I'll just ramble.

I'm smiling at people I don't know, and they're smiling back. It's evident that I'm happy... ugh! no, what an understatement... Joyous... no, that's not it. aaaah... this is it, dancing with laughter and twirling in amazement. I want to share it. how... why would I want to stuff this away? It bubbles up in my walk and my steps are singing with love.

There's a smile in my eyes too.

Swinging

Get your mind out of the gutter!! I'm talking about playgrounds. Last week I went with a friend and our children to a park. It was so much fun. I think I might have had as good if not a better time than the kids did.

The first place the munchkins headed was to the swings, and I was the designated pusher while my friend was on the phone trying to get a date. As soon as he hung up, I jumped onto an available swing and stayed there for at least a half hour. I only stopped swinging to take off my jacket. It was about 50 degrees out maybe a little more, and all that pumping and pushing was getting me hot even though I didn't have my shoes on. One had fallen off while I was flying through the air, and instead of stopping my fun to get it I just kicked off the other one.

I guess it looked like I was having a good time because my friend got on the swing next to me and away we went. When I looked over the playground it seemed that almost all the adults and some of the older children thought we were the main attraction, and I guess we were because of how far up we were able to get.

There was just no way that I was going to let him swing higher than I could. My stomach did little turns that made me giggle when I was at the peak of the swing and I came out of the seat a little. It felt like free fall. My laughter didn't stop there. I was just having so much fun and felt so alive that it would spontaneously burst out of me with a big grin on my face accompanying it.

I did get off the swings (reluctantly) when children were waiting for their turns, but only by jumping off. It was too bad that there was a fence because then I would have tried to jump off with the swing higher and higher in the air just like I did in fourth grade.

The next best thing to swinging is playing "run around." When you chase children and they run away from you yelling and screaming with big smiles on their faces while looking back to make sure that you're coming to get them. It all started with some crinkly, dry leaves and a child who decided that I would look great wearing them on my head. The children were trying to get them into my clothes, and I was just trying to make sure that my clothes were still covering my body. Only then did I ask my friend if it had been possible for people to see up my skirt while I was on the swings. He told me no because he had tried and didn't get to see anything. Of course, I couldn't stop cracking up at that.

We stayed in the park until the shadows were getting longer and the air turned colder. There was a part of me that wanted to stay until the park closed. That was when the adult took over and I left the child behind on the swings, but I took the smile and laughter with me.

Through Other's Eyes

I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine where I disagreed with what was said, but I knew that it wouldn't matter how I explained the situation he wouldn't be able to see it the way I did. I was able to view it the way he did and realized how important this was to him...just as important to me, too... maybe even more so, which is another thing I don't think he could understand. That is why I didn't get into it. He couldn't see, and I knew from the way he was talking, couldn't hear any reasons, or explanations as to how what he was saying might not be the case.

On the other hand, I could be wrong. But I know who I am and what my strengths are and I'm able to see a tremendous amount in people and relationships. And to some of you out there who think that I might be oblivious or that I deny what I'm feeling, I don't. I just won't admit it to you. Trust me I know what I'm feeling, and dreaming. Geez Louise, I think most of you out there reading would admit that I'm aware of my feelings, and if I'm not so sure of what they are I try to figure it out until I actually know what's going on with me.

I think some of this has to do with the fact that he's a guy, and I'm a girl. And maybe some of it has to do with the fact that I see problems as solvable and able to be worked through. Of course, not everything has a happy ending and I think that he's coming from that point of view. But there are some things I know how to handle and how they can and should be handled, children being one of them.

Should he take off his blinders or should I stop wearing rose colored glasses? Whatever it is... I'm sad for the loss of what could be.

Stayed Out Late

OK, what you've all been waiting for.... the date.

I was absolutely exhausted but finally fell asleep for about 45 min. after I wrote the post yesterday. I had wanted to clean up the apt. some more, but I just wasn't functioning.

When I woke up I realized that the clothes I wanted to wear were at the cleaners. I got there before they closed, and then realized that the skirt was actually at home.

Yeah, you probably aren't interested in all that. "Get to the good part, CR!!" OK, OK, he picked me up and we went out to dinner. I remembered to put on perfume before I walked out the door and he said that I smelled good.

He looked good. Cute, actually handsome. I felt very comfortable with him. Well, we have been talking for an extended period of time. OH! I never even told you guys that I didn't want to go out with him in the first place. I only saw us as friends with no benefits because he wanted to go out. I didn't want any confusion to take place. I was straight out with this information, and he was OK with it at first.

Then at some point things changed. He was trying to convince me to go out with him everytime we spoke. At first, I thought he was joking, but when he kept on pushing I realized he really did want to go out with me. I asked him what changed, and why he wanted to go out with me now. He told me at least 20 times, but for the life of me I can't really remember why.

After about two weeks of him trying to convince me, he wore me down enough that I said yes.

Let's be honest here. He's kind, caring, funny, handsome, understanding, I feel comfortable with him, but there's just a part of me that's holding back. I'm not really sure why. OH!!!! Major biggie!!! He can relocate. Maybe it's because he can relocate that I'm not sure. Maybe I should just date him and get to know him better.

I still haven't come up with a name for him. I think it's just going to be NN (no name).

Tagged!

I was tagged by Frum House to do "the eight". This post took much longer than expected because I felt the need to explain my choices which is really another one of my passions... understanding the reason why about something.


8 passions in my life:

My family, especially DB - This means being a good daughter, sister, aunt, cousin and most importantly a good mother, and being a good mother includes not talking bad about DB's father to or around DB

Sex/men - Enjoying, appreciating, accepting and understanding (well, trying to understand) the differences between men and women and revelling in them.

Smiling/being able to laugh at most anything

Children - being with them, sometimes acting like one and viewing the world through their eyes

Reading - It was an escape for me when I was a child and I didn't want to/wasn't able to face the hurt in the world. It still is. Plus books are a source of knowledge and "if you can read a book you can do anything" - CR's mom

Judging someone favorably. You never know what they're going through or have been through.

Enjoying the world around me and being thankful for the ability to enjoy it which includes sunsets, water, wind, people

loving unconditionally and often - most definitely includes hugs and kisses... yummy.

If I could add something here it would be manners. They show that you respect, care about and are considerate of the people around you.


8 things I often say:

I don't know. What do you think? Let's go look it up. - I say this to DB to show him that adults don't know everything... no one does and that there's nothing wrong with admitting it, but then you have to go find the answer.

I'm not promising, but I'll do my best. - I DO NOT promise!!! I've been disappointed to many times by people who have promised things to me and I will not hurt anyone the same way.

Stooooooop it!!!! - said with laughter in my voice

OK, I admit it. You're right.

Bet you a nickel - in my family the most we bet, actually the only amount we bet is a nickel.

I was wrong. I'm sorry. - I say this to people when I'm wrong (No duh, CR), and that includes DB. I want him to understand that everyone deserves an apology even children.

All I care about is that you tried your best. - The result (sometimes) doesn't matter if you have tried and tried to do your best at something.

Thank you, Hashem. - I say this when I find something, when I see DB's smile, when I realize just how lucky I am, whenever and wherever.


8 books I read recently:

Time Travel in Einstein's Universe: The Physical Possibilities of Travel Through Time by J. Richard Gott - I am a geek and am actually enjoying learning physics or some of the concepts. This book explains how and if certain famous science fiction stories of time travel could work or not work.

Chofetz Chaim A Daily Companion; The Concepts and Laws of Proper Speech

Brother Odd by Dean Koontz. - I really enjoy his books. OK, that's an understatement. They are filled with love, determination, facing your fears, humor, and belief in the human race.

The EVERYTHING Parent's Guide to Children With Dyslexia by Abigail Marshall. - An amazing book that's filled with so much useful information about understanding and helping a child with dyslexia

If I Ran The Zoo by Dr. Seuss. - DB's choice for a bedtime story last night.

Pride And Prejudice by Jane Austen - I'm a sucker for romance.

Between Parent And Child by Dr. Haim G. Ginott revised and updated - A wonderful parenting book that teaches among other things not to blame just to acknowledge and move forward.

New York Civil Practice Law and Rules (2003 Redbook) and case law regarding divorce and child custody issues. I wish I was able to afford LexisNexis online. It would make my life so much easier. And yes, I know I need a newer version of the CPLR.


8 songs that mean something to me:

I Love You A Bushel And A Peck from Guys And Dolls - My mother still sings it to me and just about everyone else. I've adopted the practice and have passed it down to DB and some of his cousins.

Put Your Shoes On, Lucy by Petula Clark - We sing it when we are getting dressed and getting ready to go out.

Marine Corp Anthem - My father used to sing it to my brother and me as a lullaby.

It's An Outrage! from Oklahoma! - DB sings it by heart and with the exact accents, tones, inflections and actions as the actors.

My Little Boy words and music by my mom. - It was originally titled My Little Pearl but when my brother was born she would sing it to him as My Little Boy. I've added another verse specifically for DB.

Now Run Along Home And Jump Into Bed - My mother would sing it to us as the first lullaby of the night. She usually continued with at least one more song when putting us to sleep as children.

Everything Is Going To Be Alright music and words by my mom. The explanation about why I love this song is in this post.

Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond - Thursday nights cooking for Shabbos and dancing around the kitchen with my momand brother.


8 Qualities I look for in a friend:

Non-judgemental/acceptance

loving (which means giving of yourself without expecting anything in return)

making yourself available

sense of humor/fun-loving

understanding or trying to understand

ability to listen

kindness/caring

forgiveness


8 people I tag:

Tr8ergirl
Chaverah
Ellie
Curly Girl
Sarah
Shosh
Jack
Smoo
Lubab

I've realized that most of what I've written in this post has to do with being an example for DB so that he will one day grow up to be a happy, loving, considerate, caring man surrounded by others who feel the same for him.

A Surprise Visit

I met BGB, and I never really expected that to happen. I got a phone call around 10:30 last night that he was near my neighborhood... or so he said. He was actually a good 20-30 minutes away, but he wanted to know if I wanted to come out with him and a friend of his. I really don't get out that often and to go out with people I enjoy sounded like fun.

We didn't go too far just to the pizza shop where we had a "discussion" about my jacket and shirt and the color orange and tan. It turns out that BGB and his friend were not that well versed in colors, but the guys working behind the counter were. If I recall correctly, they said that my jacket was orange and even BGB's friend agreed to that after he got a bottle of Sunkist and put it up against my jacket. I think I'm owed a nickel.

Before I go any further in this post I have to say that they both did something that made me feel so good about knowing them. They said their brochos (blessings) on their food out loud. I know I didn't. I was feeling a little shy, but this is something that is important to me. I am medadek about DB saying brochos and especially about him saying them out loud wherever we are. I do it too.

Yes, I know it shouldn't have mattered who I was with and I've learned a lesson from that. From now on I will say my brochos out loud. It's funny because there are times when I'm not sure of the correct bracha and I even carry around a brochos book with me so I can check. Yes, I went to Bais Yaakov. Yes, we had a yearly B'rochos Bee in second and third grade, but it wasn't encouraged aside from that.

DB is used to saying his B'rochos so that when he asks for a drink of water at night he will say the b'racha in his sleep and drink with his eyes closed. It makes me very proud. He's also very aware of whether or not I say amein to his b'rochos.

Anyway, it was wonderful to see these two men say b'rochos out loud, and I hope DB will do that when he is grown.

OK, back to the post.

We left or rather the pizza store was closing and we had no choice but to go. So we hung out in the car for a couple hours listening to music and talking. I felt like I was in high school again, out with my friends on a Sat. night, with nowhere to go but not ready to say good night. It was so much fun. I did a lot of laughing and felt so at ease with them. We got along great and I even got a poem about my name out of it. BGB's friend wrote it. Sorry, you guys can't see it. He used my real name. Oh! I should've had him do it with "Come Running"... maybe next time.

When they dropped me off BGB walked me back to my apartment like a gentleman. NO! There was no goodnight kiss or anything else. Yeah, yeah, I know what you guys were thinking. But it wasn't like that. It was just what I needed and I don't remember if I said thank you to them. Ugh! That is so not like me! As soon as I know that BGB is awake I'm going to call him and make sure that he knows that I had a wonderful time and he should relay that to his friend.

I went to bed smiling.

Band Aids And Thread OR A Work In Progress

Is a good marriage just an oxymoron?
Is a marriage just an acceptance of disappointment?

How come romantic movies always
end at beginnings,
weddings,
first kisses,
or the start of a relationship?

Shaped by worn tools of prejudices
molded into sculptures of marble lovers
stone cold
beating hearts stilled and
cemented onto broken dreams.

Is it possible to get joy out of life without tears?
Perhaps the ache is better than boredom and dissatisfaction.

Dreaming of others' lives
wishing for their's in hope that life has more to offer
and at least some have grabbed hold of the golden apple.

Is there truly acceptance, love, comfort showered from open arms
and minds
willing to understand the anger and pain
or instead only reminded of their own salted wounds

Is fulfillment found in arms
searching
looking
wanting
more than what is predestined?

ignoring the loss and moving forward
drawn by magnets of hope
into doors of shining eyes

gazing up at a heaven filled with gods
put there by men's imagination
followed through seas and travels for treasure

yearning for something to fill the black hole that burns within
pearls and colored gems fill the void but for a moment
and the expansiveness grows in the empty souls

Words written by lonely hearts and tears twinkling
in an empty face fuzzed by clouds in my mind.

Wishing for a different life... that may not be better.
longing to live in fiction of heroes and strength.

closing off hiding my soul and the hurt covered with smiles and laughter smothered for appearances sake. aaaah does my soul ache? do I wish for a rescue? I long to repair


a child sitting a mother's bed crying for the world
hunger and war.
the pain did not start there I remember years before.
battling children in a line trying to beat my joy, hope and life.
No tears from my eyes
as they were comforted by teacher's hugs
my skin toughened by their taunts

friendly books
young wishing
for love without the knowledge of it
the emptiness grew until it swallowed me whole.

drawn out of it's depths by resolve and
laughter floating me past
thorns reaching alive with their grasp
yanking tugging ripping the life and joy
out of my eyes
dulling them with disappointment of past loves.

chained to mountains of emptiness.
ripped open by



I can't remember why I called this poem Band Aids And Thread. I know why band aids, but not thread. It also appears that it is a couple of poems.... I need to work on it, but I also want it posted. So you guys can see the transformation of words into my feelings and imagination.

I wrote this in mid-August and have edited some of it.... more to come