tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9777422227472338822024-03-13T23:12:57.350-04:00These Dreams of Who????I'm dreaming of meeting Mr. Right, right now.come runninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00264472908368786844noreply@blogger.comBlogger396125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-977742222747233882.post-34358889097348204372016-01-17T17:08:00.002-05:002016-01-17T17:08:34.181-05:00Things Are GoodIt's easier for me to believe him. I don't know why... Ok, ok, I think I do know. He gives me what I need and want. I thinks that's it. Nope, I know what it is. He knows what I need and want. Alright, I guess it's both. That would make the most sense.<br />
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That's why it's easier to trust. He knows me. I don't know how he does, but he knows how to make me breathe easier---to relax in his love.<br />
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AND!!! It's easier for him to feel, know and recognize that he loves me. I'm laughing about that. Because if he reads this, I'm sure he'll start overthinking. My Mr. Spock.<br />
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But how much more wonderful could this be?????<br />
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Content in his arms is the best place in the world... except for maybe in his arms and..... I'm sure you can fill in the blanks, and I'm certain he can. Gotta love the man!!come runninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00264472908368786844noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-977742222747233882.post-52282124210424186082016-01-05T14:33:00.001-05:002016-01-05T14:33:23.020-05:00I Did It AgainDefinitely did it. Started thinking, got scared and opened up my big mouth.<br />
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Am I trying to push him away?? Well, a part of me is obviously trying to do so. It's just so... so... Oh! I don't know what it is!!!<br />
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I know I love him. I know I want to be with him. But does he really want that???<br />
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I know he says it, he writes it, and I believe he means it. But I don't think he understands what that entails.<br />
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Damn it! I hate being away from him. All I want is to see his smile and to be in his arms. He has no clue how deep in my heart he is. <br />
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He's a man. A handsome strong man who cares.... who loves, and I want is to be with him.come runninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00264472908368786844noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-977742222747233882.post-11056902020306116462015-12-25T14:06:00.001-05:002016-01-03T22:44:51.973-05:00Written When Happy<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Georgia, Times, sans-serif;">"If there is meaning in life at all," Frankl wrote, "then there must be meaning in suffering." </span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: Georgia, Times, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">I've never read anything by Victor Frankl.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Georgia, Times, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">Yes, I've heard of him, and the title of his famous book, <u>Man's Search For Meaning</u>. It must have never been the right time for me to discover it, and even though I still haven't read it, it and he have still impacted my life.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Georgia, Times, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Georgia, Times, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">As soon as I finished reading the above quote, it became apparent to me why after hating <u>Crime and Punishment</u> I just couldn't get enough of analyzing it and Dostoevski. Which then pulled me to Malamud's <u>The Fixer</u>. </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Georgia, Times, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">My professor asked me in what I can only recall as almost the exact same words as Frankl's. "Is there meaning in suffering?" Or maybe he said, "Does suffering have meaning?"</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Georgia, Times, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Georgia, Times, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">My immediate response was "yes" even though I have suffered immensely throughout life, and I would much rather be happy. But now that I've read an essay by Frankl, I think that there can be a combination of the two.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Georgia, Times, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">Just thinking out loud.</span></span><br />
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come runninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00264472908368786844noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-977742222747233882.post-75922115909296154742015-12-24T21:41:00.000-05:002015-12-27T18:34:35.640-05:00Nobody KnowsHe doesn't know. He thinks he knows what I feel for him, but he doesn't. <br />
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You see, he doesn't, well, he doesn't even like to feel/think about his emotions. So you can imagine how he must feel about my overwhelming ones. If they are sometimes too much for me to handle, then he most certainly doesn't want to even begin to contemplate what I'm experiencing. <br />
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I love him. Me, the person who knows better than to try and love again, has given him--is giving him everything. <br />
<br />
But I'm still afraid. Ok, I'm actually positive that my heart will be broken into pieces, but that undeniable fact, can't stop me from loving him. I know. I'm stupid. I know better. But he says things, he means things, he does things that make me want to love him through the fear. <br />
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Salty drops burn my cheeks with joy and waves of fear crash through my soul.come runninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00264472908368786844noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-977742222747233882.post-46152313284923238972015-12-19T19:30:00.002-05:002016-01-07T20:14:43.206-05:00Not ReallyIt's not really easy. Sometimes it can seem like it, but then you get the wakeup call. That sharp ringing sound startling you and bringing reality crashing through your dream world. A heart breaking in loud gulping sounds filling a dark empty room. Puddles formed by salty rivers flowing down your cheeks.<br />
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There is never a happy ending only beginnings filled with unsaid goodbyes.come runninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00264472908368786844noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-977742222747233882.post-18258497514464282322015-12-14T04:11:00.001-05:002015-12-14T04:11:06.631-05:00EasyIt is easy to be with him. I'm relaxed. He's relaxed. We talk and laugh. He's fun, and his smile reaches his blue eyes and lights up his face. I love to look at him. Our hands fit. You know what I mean when that doesn't work.... some people don't know how to hold hands, or your hand is just not comfortable in their's.<br />
<br />
We were walking in the park. At first our hands were clasped together and then our fingers were entwined. The next thing I knew I was holding onto a couple of his fingers with my hand. He wasn't uncomfortable with it, and he probably didn't notice it at all. But I did. It didn't matter how our hands were linked. It was comfortable.<br />
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The little things...<br />
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OH! The Chanuka presents he got me!!!! A multimeter for when I work on computers... my very own. It just shows he believes in me. <br />
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A bracelet that is beautiful. It's the planets in the Solar System, and yes, it includes Pluto! How does he find things that appeal to the nerd and woman in me at the same time????<br />
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And lastly the heart... so yeah, that's just for the two of us. Sorry but no details there except for the fact that he's the hottest man and knows exactly what does it for me. <br />
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He really liked his presents too!! They made him smile and that means the world to me.<br />
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The weirdest thing is that I asked him what he wanted, and he told me that he wanted a picture of me for his office. Really???? Neither of my husbands (it still cracks me up to write that in the plural) ever wanted or had that. I guess he does love me and doesn't want to hide me. That was the best present he could have given me, and he doesn't even know it.<br />
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<br />come runninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00264472908368786844noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-977742222747233882.post-85584352409537733992015-11-24T22:14:00.000-05:002015-11-26T18:59:56.291-05:00Falling DeeperEvery time the fears come back he chases them away; with laughter, with love, with words and most especially with his actions. I've written it before, but I'm going to write it again... and most likely again and again. He listens to me. He actually listens to me. Then he tries his best to give me what I ask for. And even if I haven't asked for it, he recognizes what I need and he manages to give it to me too. <br />
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He's... He's the best thing... He wasn't supposed to happen. I wasn't looking for anyone. At least I wasn't looking for anyone to love. He calms me, excites me, and satisfies me in so many ways. I want him. I love him. I don't want him to go away. I don't want to go away. I'm trying my damnedest to be honest and open and not expect him to read my mind. Yes, he can do it anyway, but it's better for both of us if I can tell him things.<br />
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I know I just wrote it. I know I told him numerous times, but each time I say it...<br />
<br />
I love him.<br />
<br />come runninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00264472908368786844noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-977742222747233882.post-1054686464977681162015-11-22T20:17:00.000-05:002015-11-22T20:17:04.320-05:00Resolving The Issue"It isn't a solution if one of us is miserable." His words. His beautiful words. <br />
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You see, there wasn't an answer, but he got us past it. <br />
<br />
The <i>us</i> in his statement is the solution. come runninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00264472908368786844noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-977742222747233882.post-7657279631863892852015-11-19T16:24:00.001-05:002015-11-19T16:24:10.085-05:00He TriesWhat more could I ask for? Not only that, but he usually succeeds. <br />
<br />
The three words I was sure he was feeling, but only heard a couple of times and then no more, have been spoken, and written.<br />
<br />
My Mr. Spock is trying to acknowledge his human side even while he analyzes it. The thing is that it seems I understand emotions (his emotions) a little better than he does. Or at least I'm able to acknowledge them even if he can't; love, jealousy, and anger.<br />
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He was willing and is willing to listen to my point of view. He has some more amazing characteristics including being the most caring and understanding man I know. AND his kisses take my breath away - literally!!<br />
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I love him and he loves me. Simplecome runninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00264472908368786844noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-977742222747233882.post-7588799973778505962015-11-03T20:11:00.001-05:002015-11-04T19:39:02.347-05:00A Change of AttitudeI'm happy because I choose to be.<br />
<br />
I've had a rough couple of months, been down both emotionally and physically. The funny thing is that once I decided to be happy and to look at things in a more positive manner, I'm not sick anymore. My voice is almost back to normal which is great because it's hard to sing songs with two year olds when you sound like an old man who's been smoking since he was 10.<br />
<br />
And yes, I'm now getting hugs and kisses and tons of smiles almost every day. That's the best payment of working with little ones. Oh! I forgot their giggles!!!<br />
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I've been trying not to think too much about what's going on relationship-wise. There really isn't too much I can do about it; either leave or stay. So for right now, I'm sticking around and choosing to believe him or at least trying to believe him. I want to be with him, but it probably won't happen. Just being realistic.come runninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00264472908368786844noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-977742222747233882.post-51106509858745904912015-10-25T21:38:00.000-04:002015-10-25T21:38:01.575-04:00Everything Is Subject To ChangeIt most certainly is. I know things change from day to day and even from hour to hour. That's a part of life, and for the most part I can take it. I'm used to ups and downs. Hell, I create a good amount of them. But I don't think he's being realistic, and it's funny that I have to be that for both of us. <br />
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I don't think he's being honest with himself, and if he's not honest with himself than he can't be honest with me. I don't think he's trying to hurt me. And yes, I'm scared about trusting him.... ok, absolutely terrified of trusting him so much so that I probably won't be able to completely trust him for years. <br />
<br />
All of this is going to scare him off even though he won't admit it. It's ok though. I'm ok. I hope he will be too because I love him and want his life to be easy and for him to be happy. I want to be able to remember him and think of his eyes smiling at me.come runninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00264472908368786844noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-977742222747233882.post-27687837033107160842015-10-14T20:35:00.002-04:002015-10-14T20:35:43.346-04:00I've Been WritingI actually wrote last night. I started work on a new poem. It felt damn good even if the poem is horrible. I want to contact my poetry professor and meet up with him. He's so cool and we get along well. He also doesn't mind critiquing my work. It would be nice to hear what needs correction and why something should be changed. <br />
<br />
Onto the man of the hour.... I think he needs some space so I'm going to try my damnedest to give it to him. I feel like he wants to pull back. It's ok. He's allowed to. And it's not like I didn't know that this would happen. I'm too much... and I'm scared and that just scares him away. He can go, and as much as I don't want him to, I can let him. Yeah right, sure you can CR. Well, I can. It doesn't mean it won't hurt like hell and that I won't miss him. It just means that he's smart. Ok, ok, it just means that... Well, it does mean that he's smart. There's too much in my life and with me. I wouldn't want to deal with me either.<br />
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I love him, but I only want to be with someone who wants me. I don't want someone to have to pretend that they want to be with me, and I don't want someone who's doing it out of pity or some other weird reason. It's too hard to think that. I don't want to go, but if that is what he needs and/or wants then I will.<br />
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I want laughing and hugs and tears and love. I want it all, and I will miss the smiling eyes in his voice.come runninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00264472908368786844noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-977742222747233882.post-23124952876956551012015-10-13T23:17:00.001-04:002015-10-13T23:17:06.827-04:00Dreams, Decisions, and Desires<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
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I write words I don't send. I miss him. I love his laughing blue eyes that melt my heart.</div>
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Chris Isaak's new song <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fWskRcL3T-E">"Please Don't Call"</a> says what I can't, and what I don't want to say. And then I hear the words to Bonnie Raitt singing <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7dLq7I7jcIA">"Feels Like Home"</a> and I want to run into his arms and never leave.</div>
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It was my birthday, and he gave me the most amazing presents. It was so obvious that he put so much thought into them. Tears came to my eyes when I opened a present that no one else would ever think to get for me. The nerd in me was overwhelmed, excited, flattered, and felt so acknowledged. It was a sundial that really works. It has a compass and you set the latitude. Yeah, yeah, even the description is probably boring the non-nerds. The other present was a beautiful silk scarf that felt as good as it looks. The colors and print were so rich and vibrant. One present for nerd and one for the woman. He understands me. Do you see why I love him????? </div>
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<br />come runninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00264472908368786844noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-977742222747233882.post-80394309181373874452015-10-06T22:40:00.002-04:002015-10-06T22:40:19.981-04:00RealityIt tends to get in the way. As much as I try, I can't ignore certain things. Sooooo... I'm not going to see him. At first it was I'm not going to see him, text him, talk to him. That really wasn't happening even with yontiff. I missed him. I miss him. But I just can't see him. <br />
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I want to see him!!! That's not the issue, or maybe it is. Yeah, could it be more confusing, tangled and just plain bonkers. <br />
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Instead I'm going to see what happens. Maybe we'll drift apart. What will probably happen is that when he can't see me, he won't be as interested; I'll hear from him less and less. <br />
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It hurts. I don't want to say goodbye, but there was never a complete hello. Things get in the way. Life gets in the way. His life gets in the way.<br />
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But I'm worth it, and have to remember that. I deserve it all. Not just bits and pieces, not seconds or minutes. I want days, nights, dinners, walks, talks, star filled skies and thunderstorms. <br />
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I give my all, and that's what I want in return.come runninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00264472908368786844noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-977742222747233882.post-86000393392970224982015-09-16T15:12:00.001-04:002015-09-17T17:11:38.333-04:00QuickerWell, I'm getting quicker at bouncing back. He can't scare me for too long. I don't want him to scare me away from being happy or for him to do the same to himself. It just feels too good to love someone and say it. He's such a silly man, and I think we really do need to spend more time together. It helps with everything.<br />
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So... this wonderful, amazing, silly man that I adore has every right to feel the way he does. BUT why make yourself miserable. Happy is sooooooooooo much better. If you have a choice, I highly recommend it!!!come runninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00264472908368786844noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-977742222747233882.post-75301118697952675572015-09-16T13:45:00.000-04:002015-09-17T17:08:31.351-04:00Dandelion WishesMy wishes float away.<br />
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I think I tend to wish for too much or for things that are just unattainable. Yeah, CR, isn't that what wishes are? Well, some of them are, and some are... who am I kidding?<br />
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If only I was a little kid again, and could take all my wishes into an imaginary world. One where I am an Indian princess and happy on the back of a horse. I can just go wherever I choose, places where the air rushes by me and makes me feel free and alive.<br />
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I wouldn't mind being a dandelion seed floating with someone else's wishes. I would take them away in the wind, and keep them for my own since mine don't seem to come true.come runninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00264472908368786844noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-977742222747233882.post-25407807548419685742015-09-10T21:01:00.000-04:002015-09-11T16:40:24.877-04:00The words are all jumbled up in my head and heart so I'll just let my fingers choose them. I'm so happy. I'm not high happy. I'm content, but big smiling happy. <br />
<br />
We had a misunderstanding - that's what he called it. I still am not sure what it was. I think it was actually an understanding, but one that wasn't the best. I felt like he was pushing me away. And YES, he was. He says no, but we'll have to agree to disagree. <br />
<br />
When I was pulling back, I was texting him my feelings and thoughts about it. He didn't get defensive, but he did see things differently. The thing is there were no tears. There was no immediate need for me to shut him out of my life and quickly close the gates and brick them up. Don't get me wrong. I was thinking about it, but I stuck it out and didn't run.<br />
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This man is amazing. He actually listens. I know I've written it before, but this is one of the reasons why I'm still around - why I want him still around me. You see the listening means he takes in what I'm saying and then does something about it even if it's only acknowledging the validity of my feelings. WHAAAAT!?!?!?!? He tries to understand and doesn't say that I'm crazy for feeling a certain way.<br />
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So yeah, I love him. It's that simple. He's a good man. But it's not just that. We spend so much time laughing together. It's easy, comfortable, relaxed and yes, so so so HOT!!! He's handsome and his smile, his voice... Well, just about everything about him makes me melt.<br />
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Yeah, this is bonkers!! Yeah, there are no guarantees in life. Yeah, I'm going to enjoy every second with him. How could I not???? He's my friend too!! I'm so lucky he found me!!!!! <br />
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I just miss him. I want to share so much with him. I want him in my life. I want to be in his. I want to fall asleep in his arms and wake up to his kisses. There's so much I want, and I've told him. But I don't know if that scares him away or makes him want to come closer or both. Probably both because it does the same to me. <br />
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We complement each other. I respect and admire his strengths and wish I could be more like him. He's not as reactive. That's an understatement.<br />
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I'm so tired but I haven't written in so long, and I can't hold in how happy I am!!!come runninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00264472908368786844noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-977742222747233882.post-18924568663333750762015-08-27T23:03:00.002-04:002015-08-27T23:40:38.242-04:00Everything That Goes Up<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I can't wait to see him. I'm so happy and excited. Well, how could I not be. Really!!!! There's so much I want to do with him - get your minds out of the gutter.... or don't ;) . No really, I want to experience the world with him. I want him to meet my friends and family, and see just how bonkers I am on a regular basis. Yes, he knows me. Yes, he knows me inside out. Yes, he knows me better than I know myself (sometimes). BUT he doesn't know what it's like to be around me. He might hate it. He has told me I'm intense. Maybe too intense sometimes and yes, I know I get that way. Sometimes I'm too intense even for me. Really!!!<br />
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But I just want to be normal with him. Yeah, yeah, stop laughing already... he knows, I know, you know and just about the whole world knows that I'm not normal. But you know what I mean. Anyway, I asked him what he would like to do, and he blew me away. The simple things, the fun things, the things I love to do and just want someone to share them with; those were what he said.<br />
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The first thing he mentioned was to go for a walk. <br />
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Then came dinner, chasing pigeons, getting caught in the rain, standing under a tree in the rain, kissing in a doorway, kissing in the back of a taxi. He slays me. He destroys every wall, or jumps right over them as if they are not even there. He slices through the protective layers, rips them to shreds, and I have nothing left to cover myself. And he doesn't even know the effect he has on me... what his words mean to me. <br />
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I only hope he's real, and this is not a game of some kind.<br />
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So that was what I wrote before 9 p.m. and then reality hits.<br />
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It's not going to happen. None of it will. I know. Yeah, I really do know. For one thing, and for some reason, I have not been blessed with an easy life, and he would make my life wonderful. I was thinking of what he said to me Wednesday. Tears were in my eyes several times during that conversation, and it wasn't that he was mean, obnoxious or hurtful in any way. Just the opposite. He was understanding, supportive and I don't even have the other words to describe the amazing things he said to me that not even my family has ever told me.<br />
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The funniest thing is that I took myself off the dating sites. I even mentioned him to my mom again. Not only that I mentioned him in passing to DB.<br />
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I wish he would just go away already. Yes, I do!! That way I won't get too comfortable with being told nice things or treated in a nice way, and that way the feelings won't grow stronger roots because of his words and smiles.<br />
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The holidays, my birthday, his birthday and more holidays will be spent apart.<br />
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Make it go away.<br />
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I know what I sound like. And I'm not pathetic!!! I'm tired and realistic about my life. <br />
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I want to know why Hashem would put someone like him so near but out of reach. <br />
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And yes, I love him.<br />
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come runninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00264472908368786844noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-977742222747233882.post-18807218617701027432015-08-24T03:25:00.000-04:002015-08-24T23:32:29.108-04:00Jumping To Conclusions I did it again. Sounds kind of familiar doesn't it? But it's true. You see, he wrote back to me and apologized. Wait! Don't do what I did and jump to a conclusion. His apologies are meant, and no, I'm not that that stupid. I know he means his apologies because he works on changing what he apologizes for. WHOA!!!!<br />
<br />
Now don't go and be jealous. Well, ok, be jealous. He's kind of amazing. He tells me he's proud of me too. Yes, he's real. Yes, he's handsome. Yes, he's fun and funny and smart.... AND yes, he's an unbelievable kisser. Now, you should be very, extremely, CR, you're making him up jealous.<br />
<br />
So I went and did what I shouldn't have done and told him. But it's deeper now or different or just more real. Yes, there are times when I'm freaked out like you would not believe. Terrified is more like it. So uptight that I start to pace. But then I hear his voice either in his texts or on the phone and I relax as he tells me he's holding me tight and won't let go.<br />
<br />
The thing is he makes fun of me too. No, not in any mean way. If it came even close to that, I'd be gone without giving him a chance to apologize. He does it in the I know exactly who you are CR and am still here. Hope I explained that so that you understand.<br />
<br />
OOOOH! A friend of mine has his bike back and said he'll take me out riding. Now, I just need to convince him to teach me how to ride. Then I can go out riding with another friend of mine from school.<br />
<br />
And I got a new job. Pre-school teacher. I get to hug munchkins and teach them about the world. What could be better???? Yeah, it could be better if I actually had another one myself, but looks like that's not meant to be. It's sad. I always wanted about 5 kids, but I guess it's from Hashem because there is just no way I would have been able to be there for DB the way he needs me if he had other siblings. <br />
<br />
I'm worried about him, but I know he'll pull through. I have every confidence that he will have a happy and successful life, and I wish I could instill that in him. He feels pressure that I haven't expressed about how he has to be throughout his life. All I want for him is happiness and for him to be able to support himself and his family. I know that he has so much more. Oh, well, that could be the pressure he feels. He is talented, but I will shut up about it. He does work on it. Tonight he was sketching when I was going to sleep.<br />
<br />
I am praying that his life gets easier and he gets healthier. What an amazing kid he is or should I say young man. He's definitely growing up. When I told him about my new job, his face lit up, he became very animated and was so excited for me. I love my boy!<br />
<br />
It seems like the men in my life are actually there for me. I must be dreaming. After all, it's 3:23 a.m. and even though the windows are shut and I'm miles away the birds are singing in Oz.come runninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00264472908368786844noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-977742222747233882.post-7289457978258733132015-08-20T22:48:00.000-04:002015-08-24T23:35:13.751-04:00Ups And Downs Yup. Did it again. Said something I shouldn't have. Felt something that I know better than to feel. Wish I weren't so stupid sometimes. You would think that I would know better by now. Yeah, right. CR, you never learn.<br />
<br />
Fine, so I will learn. I won't let anyone through or invite them in - which is a better description of my behavior. There's a reason people build walls, and I need to brick mine back up after I reinforce it with rebar and concrete. <br />
<br />
I guess, I deserve it. Actually, I know I deserve it.<br />
<br />
I don't like hurting. And I don't like feeling so stupid. <br />
<br />
Saw some old friends this week and told them about the second divorce. They were sorry, and I told them that they most certainly should not feel that way since I don't. Then they mentioned that I would find someone and that they had friends who got married for the 3rd time implying that the same would happen to me. Well, it wasn't really implied because they straight out said some nice things about me and that because I'm like that they know that I would marry again... but this time the right man.<br />
<br />
Ummmmmm.... NO FREAKING WAY!!!!!! I have informed my neighbors, friends, and family that if I even contemplate it, to stop me. I'm obviously not good at picking men. Just take a look at this blog through the years.<br />
<br />
I shouldn't even be talking to men. It's just that... Nope, no rationalizations or justifications. <br />
<br />
There are just some things I'm not good at. Computers are obviously the right field for me.<br />
<br />
It's just sad<br />
<br />
I'm sadcome runninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00264472908368786844noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-977742222747233882.post-10016810103951342932015-07-31T16:42:00.000-04:002015-07-31T16:42:05.434-04:00He RemembersI have two dates coming up this week, and neither is with him. Both of the men were easy to talk to on the phone even if they are completely different. And of course neither of them are him.<br />
<br />
But then again no one could be him. He actually listens to me and remembers. This from a man who really, yes, really, doesn't remember things. He doesn't say my name anymore, but a part of that is because I asked him not to. Now, I asked him not to about a week and a half ago, and in our relationship with all the ups and downs that's like millenniums passing. Yet, he remembered. <br />
<br />
He said my name today and it touched me, and then he called me by a nickname that he doesn't use. WHOA! No way, buddy boy!! That just sounds horribly wrong coming out of your mouth. I'd rather you not call me anything or even "Hey, you."<br />
<br />
I'm lucky. He's my friend. He wants to be my friend. I want him as a friend. Of course (yes, those two words were for him) we both want more. Not sure if/how that will ever be able to work, and in the meantime I'm all over the place emotionally.<br />
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He makes me happy. He makes me smile. He's proud of me. That kind of blows my mind. <br />
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I miss him. I want him. I love being in his arms. I love laughing with him, being frustrated with him, and loving him.come runninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00264472908368786844noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-977742222747233882.post-90427790734669128532015-07-29T11:33:00.001-04:002015-07-30T08:59:03.178-04:00Labels So things didn't quite end... like I'm sure you're all surprised by that. And we saw each other yesterday, but he doesn't say my name anymore. It's also going to be extremely difficult to see each other for the rest of the summer and maybe later.<br />
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DB will be home and I will still be in school so..... Is that it????<br />
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No clue, but I want to go out and have fun. I want to laugh, and not focus on what I'm missing. Last night in class was a blast. Of course, I was absolutely exhausted and punch drunk, not to mention a little buzzed on caffeine at the same time. If I made any sense, I was extremely lucky, but the guys and I couldn't stop laughing. The new friendships I'm making are clicking, and it's so nice. <br />
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Love having fun people in my classes who have no problem if I rag on them and just give it right back to me as much if not more. Guys are so much fun to be with (in so many ways)!!!<br />
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Some more men have contacted me and maybe I'll make some new friends or go out on some dates.<br />
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Don't ask me what I'm doing! I'm trying to live my life and not have it be on hold.<br />
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So I've labeled him a "bud", albeit one with special privileges. I'm putting everything else - letters and feelings and hiding the box in the back of my closet so I can't see it and not be reminded of... Yeah, be reminded of what???come runninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00264472908368786844noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-977742222747233882.post-44363652209216715862015-07-25T22:21:00.002-04:002015-07-26T09:16:31.315-04:00He Shut Me DownDon't need to worry anymore about when, where, how I'm going to see him. I'm not going to see him. It was a tough week, and I told him what I needed. Not only that he knows that it's extremely difficult when I don't get to talk or text him. And when his phone was turned off after Shabbos.....<br />
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Yeah, yeah, he was busy. Give him the benefit of the doubt. It's obvious he doesn't want me... either he was testing me (consciously or subconsciously) or I'm not as important to him as he says I am.</div>
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Then instead of an apology, yup, he does it, defending his actions.... "I get tied up." That's fine. It's obvious other things are more important. No "I'm sorry." He wanted this to be over with too. Although, I really doubt he would admit to it. </div>
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The worst thing is that after he was trying to defend his behavior, he turned his phone off. Yup, he actually did. He shut me down and shut me out. Just more proof that he doesn't want it, but either can't admit it to himself or would just like to blame me.</div>
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There were no yelling accusations, no name calling.... just an end without an ending.</div>
come runninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00264472908368786844noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-977742222747233882.post-46418844627134712662015-07-23T16:52:00.002-04:002015-07-25T22:51:31.749-04:0044 Hz and 16 bits per sampleI don't even know what to write or how to write it, but maybe just by typing things will come out. I don't like being all over the place. I don't like having to ask for something again and again. There's nothing wrong with asking, but even if it may seem like it's easy to ask for something, I've always found it difficult. It's much easier for me to give than to take; let alone to ask.<br />
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Don't know anything, of course as I typed the words <i>don't know </i>I started singing in my head the rest of the words "there's no sun up in the sky. Stormy weather. Since my man and I ain't together. Keeps rainin' all the time." Etta James knew how to belt it, but so did Billie Holliday and Lena Horne. <br />
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I'm singing it in my head softly almost a whisper a whisper of his touch of his look of puddles and a cold chilling rain that goes through your bones and your soul alone in a house of happy smiles that hide the years of tears and paintings never framed in a pile tucked away. shadowed blinds bleaching the wood and things instead of my feelings words coming into my head not even full thoughts just shadows of the leaves the photograph of periwinkle hydrangeas on Aunt Millye's old round table in a pitcher of clear water<br />
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a phone call and music. I need music and sunshine. Louis Armstrong and crackles of sound in old recordings. Blind Melon and Mozart up next and feet moving.<br />
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I feel better.<br />
<br />come runninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00264472908368786844noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-977742222747233882.post-74619650674701550592015-07-13T13:12:00.000-04:002015-07-13T13:16:23.676-04:00Thinking and LaughingI think too much. I focus on things I can't control too much. I need to chill big time. AND I got some good sleep last night!!! That helps with controlling where my brain goes. I've been kind of negative in my posts lately. Worrying and whining!!! OMG! I really hope you haven't suffered reading through them. Well, they could've also been a source of entertainment. Were you guys betting on how much longer I would go on like this??? Unreal....<br />
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So ridiculous to let myself get carried away like that. Bonkers! Totally and completely bonkers... I'm so embarrassed, but that's what I get for putting myself out there. And at least now I know and have a very strong reminder about what I need to work on. <br />
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And I just wrote a text to him that... I can't even begin to say what it implied.... But I'm cracking up about it.<br />
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Yeah, I need to think before I speak and write. I most certainly do!! Holy Moly!! I'm ridiculous sometimes. Ok, ok, I'm ridiculous a good portion of the time, but at least I recognize it... and can laugh at it.<br />
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So that's my mission... stop thinking and then think before I speak and write. Yeah, I make tons of sense. Hope you enjoyed this post. I think I did. totally giggling.<br />
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<br />come runninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00264472908368786844noreply@blogger.com0