Thursday, August 30, 2007

I'm Back....

in Kansas that is. I'm having a great time and will write soon... just a little worn out from the fun. I hope you guys have a nice holiday weekend. Ugh! School starts in a week. I really dislike school. It's sooo hard on DB. Don't get me wrong I love learning... I'm extremely curious and love to find out new things. I would even bring home my textbooks the first day of school, finish reading them in a week and end up bored for the rest of the year.... so I completely understand when DB doodles on his papers.

Anyway, my eyes are closing and my bed is calling... g'nite all

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Rambling Thoughts

I know I haven't written in awhile. I wanted to, but just really didn't have anything to say, or is it that I had something to say, but didn't really want to write... maybe a little of both combined with working and filling out forms and getting DB ready for school.

I finally decided to start typing and just see where it takes me. Wouldn't it be nice if it could take me to a new home (albeit not in Kansas) where everything is unpacked and I had room for all my documents to stay neat even as I went through them. I can see myself working on my appeal. I need to get that in motion. Yeah, yeah I know the decision still hasn't even been ordered yet, but I'm ready. This isn't a decision for relocation it's about the divorce and some monetary issues. It's a shame that in order for me to get my money I have to spend more on an appeal. At least I can do the appeal on my own. It's not usual to have argument time in civil appeal cases especially divorce ones.

Anyway I'm sure my appeal will be granted and either decided or sent back to the lower court with instructions. I know what case law I need to bring and I have all my exhibits including previous court orders that were not followed.

I just realized that I have to consider myself lucky that I know (I've learned along the way) that I should appeal and that I know how to do it. I can't imagine being one of those women who don't know that they could win their case in appeal thinking that the lower courts ruling is always upheld in appeal.

It's a shame that appeals are so expensive. They should have a waiver of fees and a way to have the appeal printed without costing hundreds of dollars. In civil court you can be declared a poor person and the fees to file are waived why isn't that the same in appeals court? Or maybe it is and I just don't know. Something to look into. Have to call the clerk at the appeals court tomorrow. It's not like they would be inundated by appeals maybe there would be a 40% increase in the beginning. But if the lower courts realized that their decisions are being scrutinized and overturned I'm sure that they would rule more according to case law, and then the appeals would decrease.

Major point-just because someone wants to appeal doesn't automatically mean they are given the right to do so and that is also a deterrent to frivolous cases.

Enough about law.... although, it's obviously on my mind.

I've also been thinking about dating. Actually about not dating. Just not interested... for a couple of reasons; most of the guys that I have met have something very off about them (present company always excluded) and by saying met, meaning corresponded with and spoken over the phone for the most part. I haven't gone on that many dates. WOW! It will be coming up on a year soon from the time that I first decided to get my act together and start dating.

Mr. Right is nowhere to be found and I don't think I would recognize him right now even if he was wearing a suit of shining armor, riding a white horse and swept me off my feet. I've got too many other things going on. Plus I'm just not a little disillusioned with you men, right now (don't make me say it again.... ok, ok, present company is always excluded!!!) Yup, I just realized that I wrote you men as opposed to men and then tried to cancel it with the present company thing. Think of it what you will...

I feel like a whining spoiled three year old who wants what she wants and wants it now! Ugh! What a horrible picture I painted of myself.....

Enough of feeling down... but I guess I need to get some of it out of my system. I haven't spoken to Gretel lately. She was away at camp for the summer and I haven't spoken to Doll either, and now that I think about it I owe another hardworking mom friend a call. I haven't decided what to call her in my blog.... she has such a great name to begin with. Let's see how about... ummmmm.... well, let's describe her and then maybe something will come to mind. She's very intelligent... she's told me her job and title several times and I still am not sure exactly what she does. She's kind, caring, loyal and is always there if I need her... I've got it True Blue. Thanks, Dan. TB for short... ok that doesn't look like it will fit I don't want to be reminded of tuberculosis when I think of her.

Just realized that I haven't been in much contact with any of my friends who are girls. I was too busy focusing on guys. I'm not going to let that happen in the future. I'm not sixteen anymore. I haven't been sixteen for quite some time now and I'm not going to let thoughts of kisses (and yes, sex) distract me from everything else in my life.

I'm gonna go now. Not even sure if I'm going to post this. It's just a lot of rambling...

btw-in case you didn't notice, decided to post it.... after all, I wrote it...

Monday, August 20, 2007

Who Am I?

You're A Prayer for Owen Meany!

by John Irving

Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

Despite humble and perhaps literally small beginnings, you inspire faith in almost everyone you know. You are an agent of higher powers and you manifest this fact in mysterious and loud ways. A sense of destiny pervades your every waking moment, and you prepare with great detail for destiny fulfilled. When you speak, IT SOUNDS LIKE THIS!

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Bunnies In Blue

Mischievous bunnies and independent women converse in watercolors
brass buttons and greener pastures await
while living through the pain and joy of loving

Stupid ducks guided by sly foxes under the eyes of spinster chaperones
printing presses and stained blouses acknowledge the rousing of creatures
and give birth to the excitement of dreams fulfilled.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Sex Ed. And The Married Man

Men. I've recently spent a lot of time talking to different men. Some were married... they approached me through my blog... as I'm sure they approached others. Some from Frumster and divorced, but just not that interesting, one was widowed.

All of them are sweet, caring guys. Yup, even the married ones. Yes, I know it's my naivete showing it's face again. "All they want is to get in your pants," Doll says. And of course my answer back to her is "That's all I want too." These are intelligent men... I find that very attractive with engaging personalities and not too mention the fact that they are sexy. What to do??? Well, I don't need to worry about that because I didn't meet with one... yes, I was actually considering being the other woman.

You all might look at me with disgust, but then again you aren't in my shoes. Anyway... I was just too down about everything going on and couldn't bear facing anyone especially someone that I wanted to look good for.

I know I'm an easy target. I'm open, honest, horny, and gullible. They couldn't ask for anything more. Except that I can't bear to hurt people. I could never be responsible for the heartbreak that might happen if a wife was to find out. Yeah, yeah... they don't have to find out, but sometimes they do no matter how many precautions you've taken. I've found that most of the married men are writing because they want someone who enjoys sex. It's so sad that they can't find what they're looking for in their own home and marriage. I feel for them. I really do. I experienced the same thing.

But these men on the other hand do not want to get divorced do not want to destroy their families, hurt their children, and don't even want to hurt their wives. So they live a lie. Treating their wives like gold and looking for sex on the side. I admire them in a way.... They're stuck in a catch-22. It's not fair that they have to choose between the pain of divorce or the torture of not having a satisfying sex life. It's extremely difficult living a lie. At least, it is for me. Once I finally started living my life open and honestly I could never go back to the hiding and lying to myself and others.

Perhaps if they had had the chance to have sex before they got married they wouldn't be in the position they are now. Perhaps if their wives had been taught to enjoy their bodies and that sex is not dirty but a joy to share between loved ones. I know that sometimes in the beginning sex is not the best, but with practice... WOW!!!!

I believe that sex-ed should be taught in schools.... I was thinking senior year but that might be too late to change girl's viewpoints of their bodies. Maybe sixth grade would be a better time. And just because it's discussed doesn't mean that it will take place.... but if they are not being taught at home and because of that marriages are collapsing and families are destroyed.... Rebbeim might want to assume some responsibility. There are also health issues at stake here. If a man decides to go to a prostitute then what could he be bringing home to his wife and their future children.... At the worst AIDS, but herpes, syphilis etc.

The boys also need to be educated in how to treat and romance their wives. To not pressure and give their wives time to get to relax. It's a shame that this isn't taught in more chosson and kallah classes. Refresher courses of taharas hamishpacha are given in most communities. The women teaching them should take the opportunity to explain that sex is an extremely important part of a relationship. The topic of attending sex therapy should also be broached because most of these women wouldn't even consider it unless they thought maybe others would or if they know it's sanctioned.

Anyway, I didn't mean to go off on this tangent. Maybe it's because I'm felling guilty for my actions and want to place the blame on others. Whatever it is I've stopped.... It's been made easier because I haven't been so interested in sex lately. There is just so much going on. I have to move (but first I have to find some place to move to) and DB will be going to a new school in the fall.

And to everyone out there who asks... Yes, I'm frum. Maybe if people were more open about sex, I wouldn't get that question.

And there isn't anything happening for me in the sex or dating department. Maybe I can find a cute mover with a body that won't quit......

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Sad News

very sad news see serandez and sweet rose

Hamakom yenachem eschem b'soch she'ar avalei tzion v'yerushalayim

המקום ינחם אתכם בתוך שער אבילי ירושלים

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Not What You Think

The cool sliding silk drifting over my skin
ripples away the worries of the day
rythmic strokes and gulps of air
pulse life into me
the ecstasy that builds in the waves
engulfs me
and my mind floats away
leaving only the serenity of nothing

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

I, Sure As Hell, Can Move That Rubber Tree Plant!!!

Yes, I have it. I don't know how. I don't know why. But I still have hope.

Haven't written in awhile. Well, for me it seems that awhile would be a week (the personality post was just copied not written). I've been aching for it and running from it at the same time.

Hope has resurfaced
and floated to the top of my algae covered world.

Untying the knots of tears and sobs,
it rises above torturing ropes of desperation
as they sink to the forgotten murk of bitter memories.
Confusion and Grief drown it in salty rivers
Torment and Questioning reach out their claws
dragging it under,
nibbled at by scavengers of rationality

struggling through the labyrinth of self-pity
chased by doubt
it slides back to the twists and turns in my brain
forgetting that hurt is not thought but felt

Hope squeezes through the cracks of desperation in my heart
warmed by sunlight music
dancing through the swirl of muddy feet stomping their pain in defiance

Treasure dragged from the deeps, wrapped in prayers of soiled velvet
bringing jeweled smiles and golden bells of laughter
bubbling to the surface
Buoys of angel's wings guide it
My soul following it's lightened journey
the dissipating pain sweetening my despair
till I can swallow acceptance

Hope survives

the hammers of sorrow
to save
my dreams of sanctuary

Thursday, August 2, 2007

My Personality

My Personality
Openness To

You are sociable, outgoing, energetic, and lively. You prefer to be around people much of the time. You are generally calm and composed, reacting moderately well to situations that most people would describe as stressful. Novelty, variety, and change spice up your life and make you a curious, imaginative, and creative person. You have a strong interest in others' needs and well-being. You are pleasant, sympathetic, and cooperative. You are reasonably reliable, organized, and self-controlled.

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