Again

It hurts... again. He said he would call back, and he didn't. Not even to say that he can't talk.

I'm worried. I hope everything is fine with his family.

It appears as if he turned off his phone, and that hurts.

I don't know what to think.

It hurts. What happened? Why didn't he call? Doesn't he know just how much it hurts me and how much I miss him???

I want to strike back. I want to cry. I want to curl into a ball and not let anyone touch my heart again.

I know I'm exaggerating. But I'm not. It hurts.

The tears are slowly slipping down my cheeks, and I am wishing that they carry the hurt with them. Out of me.

I try to tell him how much or how important it is for me to talk to him. Maybe it's too important. Maybe it's too much.

I don't need him. Make me don't need him. Make me don't care. Make it go away.

Maybe I expect too much. I'm sorry if I do. I'm sorry that I believe you when you say you will call. I don't need you. I don't need anyone. Just go away and I'll be fine.

Furious

I will not be taken for granted. I feel like I am taken for granted. I am not in a good mood. I might be pms'ing but that's not really the point.

The point is that I just asked him something last night that he not do in the future, and then he goes and does something similar again tonight. Well, guess what! I'm not just here when he remembers me. It's freakin past 10 p.m. and I had to call you. Well, I'm not going to do that again! Maybe I make it too easy in certain respects that I'm almost always available. Well, I'm not going to be anymore.

I'm so angry.

I'm so hurt. I'm not angry. I'm disappointed... disappointed to know that it's not really important and it doesn't really matter if he calls. It hurts... it hurts so bad. There are tears running down my face right now.

I don't need to worry if he's going to read this. He doesn't read the blog... especially if I don't tell him a new post is up. I feel like I'm being taken for granted more and more. I don't understand. I just talked to him about it last night. I was calm... no tears, no hysterics, just asking him for the future, and then he goes and does something similar tonight. I know I'm repeating myself. It hurts. I want him to go away. I don't want to hurt like this. I don't want to allow myself to hurt like this. I don't know how to do this. Maybe I'm just messed up. Maybe I just don't deserve this or maybe I just don't know how to be in a relationship.

I'm angry, hurt, disappointed, let down. It seems like it's a pattern. Or maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm pushing him away. I wouldn't be surprised. Maybe it would just be easier for him if he only had to worry about his kids and himself.

It hurts. I thought I was supposed to be happy now.

The funny thing about this is that he has absolutely no clue how I feel right now. He has no idea how much he has hurt me and how I feel like I'm not part of his life... I'm tired.

I don't want to have to break down in tears to get my point across about how much something means to me, but I don't know what to do.

Don't know if I'll post this. Actually I will. It makes me feel as if someone is really listening to me when I post.

Happy Purim! (yeah, right)