Monday, April 30, 2007

Please Don't Pump On May 15th

The cost of gasoline is very important to me. I have a limited amount of money right now (divorce, and all that comes with it) and I drive to Kansas just about every other weekend. It adds up!!! So when my dad forwarded the following e-mail to me it hit home.

In April 1997, there was a "gas out" conducted nationwide in protest of gas prices. Gasoline prices dropped 30 cents a gallon overnight. On May 15th 2007, all internet users are to not go to a gas station in protest of high gas prices. Gas is now over $3.00 a gallon in most places. There are 73,000,000+ American members currently on the internet network, and the average car takes about 30 to 50 dollars to fill up. If all users did not go to the pump on the 15th, it would take $2,292,000,000.00 (that's almost 3 BILLION) out of the oil companies pockets for just one day, so please do not go to the gas station on May 15th and lets try to put a dent in the Middle Eastern oil industry for at least one day. If you agree (which I cant see why you wouldn't) resend this to all your contact list. With it saying, ''Don't pump gas on May 15th"

There is absolutely no reason for gas prices to be as high as they are right now, and changes can take place when people join together. Even if you drive a gas guzzling SUV without a care about gas prices, or don't believe it can work, think of this single mother paying for overpriced gasoline just so DB and I can spend Shabbos with the ones we love. So make sure that your gas tanks are filled on the 14th and don't pump gas on May 15th.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Singing In The Rain

Yup, that's what I was doing. Even the cold rain and gray sky couldn't get me down. All it did was make the yellow forsythia look brighter and the green moss and new grass look almost fluorescent. It was a good day. The meeting with the forensic psychologist (Glenda the Good Witch?) went well. I really think she heard my concerns and started to understand where I was coming from. Of course, I know to take everything with a grain of salt. She might just have been trying to make me feel more comfortable to trip me up or something. But, I have this feeling that it wasn't the case. That might be because I hard as I try to adopt a cynical outlook the Dorothy in me can't hide her Kansas roots and naivete.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Isn't It Ironic

What's the deal? I say that I'm not interested in going out right now and I put my picture under password on Frumster, and within five hours get e-mails and calls about dates from 5 different guys. Two of which I hadn't planned on hearing from ever again (Mr. Willing and Mr. Man) and one who I thought finally understood that I didn't want to go out with him (NM). I explained to all of them via e-mail or in phone conversations today that things are a little crazy and all of them said they understood YET, every one of them contacted me again about talking or getting together.

Is it the thrill of the chase? As flattered as I am, the spark isn't in me right now. Three of them want to be "just friends" (yeah, right) and want me to keep in touch with them. This whole thing is like a cruel joke. OK, not cruel, but it is funny. And I'm laughing about it right now.

Monday, April 23, 2007

Here Comes The Sun.....

The weather really does affect my mood and boy, did I miss the sun last week. But it's back. YAY!!!! I had a big grin on my face, windows open, and I was singing my heart out while driving to pick up DB yesterday.

I got to see DB on Sunday. That usually doesn't happen when he spends the weekend with his father, but he had a baseball game. DB hit a double and had one RBI (run batted in, for all you non-baseball people). He didn't even swing at every pitch. He let the low ones go right by. I wasn't supposed to cheer for him, but I figured if other people were doing it so could I. He didn't mind me doing that in the end. Not only that, DB gave me a hug when he saw me. No kiss though, "C'mon Mom, the guys will see." His team won and he couldn't have been happier.

There was just one thing that marred the otherwise great time the kids were having. The coach of the other team was screaming and yelling at the players. He even said something to his own kid around the lines of "just remember you're coming home with me, let me see you hustle." Of course DB noticed (his father talks to him and threatens him the same way) and brought it up to me. He was worried about the children on the other team. I told him that they would be ok, but they probably were not having as good a time playing as he was.

I try to use opportunities like that to get the point across to DB so that he won't behave in the same manner... especially because his father does. Children of abuse sometimes turn into abusers themselves. Hopefully, that will not be the case with DB.

Dating Update:

I have decided to take a break from dating. There are too many other things going on right now, and believe it or not I'm really not interested in dating or sex. I kind of freaked Bud out with that last night. He couldn't believe I said that and I had to repeat it. My picture on Frumster is only password accessible, and I'm not initiating any phone calls to Denver. Hey! Maybe that's why I'm not attracted to him romantically, I am too busy concentrating on things that are going on with DB and the case for relocation. I'll write more about that later. My sleep has been disrupted and my dreams have been even weirder than they normally are.

WOW!! I can't believe that I wrote that I'm not interested in sex. Man!!! That is.... just... kinda freaky. The only other time I wasn't interested in sex was right before and after I separated from stbx. My therapist told me that was normal because of everything taking place, but because of my very strong libido I thought that once the interest was gone I would never get it back. Obviously, I did. 'Guess it's just nature's way of making it easier for me to concentrate on the really important stuff.

btw - ACS (Administration for Children's Services) was called again because of something DB's father failed to do. more later... I have another appointment with the forensic psychologist to prepare for.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Who's Right?

It looks like we both are.

Gretel and I finally spoke today. I was so glad that I got a hold of her. Actually, she called me. I thought that she was returning my call from last night, but she told me she never got the message. As soon as she said hi, I knew something was up. "What's wrong, Gret," before I even responded to her hello. She tried to dodge it, but then got into the fact that she didn't say no to baking and helping her sister-in-law (sil) with the bar-mitzvah in Lakewood this Shabbos.

Finishing up taxes for clients, getting the house back into chametz mode, teaching, taking care of the kids, packing for the trip, and now baking fancy stuff for the bar-mitzvah... Whoa!!! I told her that I was sorry I no longer had this article about how different rebbeim talk about saying no to someone who asks for help in order for you to keep your sanity and to take care of your own family, not to mention having a life of your own. I started giving her a big time shmooze about it.

Gret has a hard time saying no to people. Then she told me that her sil also assumed that she would help set up for the bar mitzvah. I started laughing when Gret told me that she said she would. "Wait a minute, how long has she been living in Lakewood? How many sisters of her own does she have that live nearby? Aren't you coming in from Boston and want to see your sister? Don't you have some shopping you need to do that can't get done in Boston?" Gret started to answer that her sil has 5 sisters and at that point I wailed into her. "Just a sec. You're telling me she has 5 sisters and you have to help set up after driving about 6 hours the night before and after baking all those desserts for her. Give me a break! GRET!!! What are you thinking?!?!?!" I started to crack up and she did too. Then I said that she might as well clean her sil's house, do the laundry, and change the baby's diaper and she stopped me with, "OK, OK, you're right."

Through my laughter I told her "I guess I get to be president then." I had to remind her that in our last conversation she told me that since she was always right and knew everything she might as well run for president. And I said that she definitely should go for it because if she can manage her family and busy schedule then she can definitely run this country.

We discussed what laws she would sign into being i.e. date night once a week, husbands must voluntarily and without sighs, go food shopping and get everything on the list, plus flowers and/or chocolate. Of course, if that were a law it couldn't be considered voluntary.

I heard Baby Joe in the background, saying, "strawbaby". Gret put him on the phone to talk to me. I talk to all the kids and sometimes help with homework (usually science and English) when Gret doesn't have the energy or when the older kids don't want to listen to anything she has to say. In fact, Gret and I used to talk so often (when there were fewer children, she didn't have as many jobs, and I wasn't involved in this crazy long divorce) that Sora Feiga used to hand her mother the phone after she finished davening in the morning and say "Time to call CR."

Anyway, Gret remembered that I tried to call her last night and asked me what was up. I told her I needed someone to laugh about the fact that I got a flat (self-inflicted, I cut the turn too short), it was raining, the tire wasn't in stock, the road hazard warranty for the tire didn't apply, I didn't really have the money to pay for a new tire, I had Tomchei Shabbos deliveries in the car, errands to run, and I had had a gut feeling that something was going to happen to the car last night, but forced myself to try to run the errands anyway. Of course, Gret started cracking up halfway through the list and I joined her when I finished telling her all of it.

Then I told her about Bud and his date prospects, and the fact that I am choosing unavailable guys. "No duh, CR!!!" I told her about Denver and his books and she said that he was weird just like me. Gret also suggested that I still keep talking to him even if I don't feel romantically inclined. Along with that came her warning that it's better to be lonely for awhile than to spend time with someone for even up to a year and be lonely the rest of my life. Looks like she gets to be president again.

Finally, I told her what has been on my mind for quite some time. I am procrastinating finishing up some papers and getting the evidence together. "CR, you and I both do that" and I told her I knew that and I was going to look for my high school year book in which she wrote that I "shouldn't get in my own way" and "DON'T PROCRASTINATE!!"

Surprise, surprise the yearbook is in Kansas along with most of my books. I don't have enough room in Oz for them all. There isn't enough room for DB's books and some of my sephorim. DB's library keeps on growing and so does mine. I believe in having lots of books and since finding out about DB's diagnosis of twice exceptionality (dyslexia, dysgraphia, auditory processing disorder, and some speech [lisp], vision [tracking, convergence and binocularity problems] and ot [occupational therapy] issues along with an extremely high intellect) I have done a tremendous amount of reading and research and have added even more books to our home.

Back to the procrastination... See, I even procrastinate about talking about procrastination... hee hee :) Gret told me to get to work. "NOW!" I sat down and started pulling out papers and she went off to teach third grade.

btw-I kinda got interrupted in my work, by some phone calls. Yes, I know that there is such a thing as voice mail. And then I chose to start writing this post.... Now I have to pick DB up from school. I think I'm going to have to call Gret back again so that this work gets done. I know I'm an adult and I do handle my responsibilities. Hey, if I don't no one else will. But we all need encouragement, support and sometimes a friend yelling in our ear to help us get things done.

update: work is done. yay!!!

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Lesson Learned..... Again

I can't do it. I just can't go out with Mr. Man and fool around without feeling anything. There isn't going to be any CSBF. I wrote to him and he responded graciously and that he heard the attachment growing in my voice and understands why we won't be going out. I can't even manage not caring about him and we've only talked on the phone. It could be just because he has the most amazing voice I've ever heard, but I don't think that's the case. Yes, I should have known better, but at least I didn't arrange to meet him even once like I did with NM. Considering I haven't dated or had sex in quite a long time I'm gonna say that I've got one hell of a learning curve. Hopefully, the next person I get interested in will actually be available to me.

OK, OK, I think I'm ready to be honest with myself. It just dawned on me while I was writing that I seem to be picking guys that have no possibility, and the ones that do (like Denver); I feel very little for (romantically). Yup, you guessed it... I'm afraid... petrified is more like it. NJG has some company there. I read his post and totally got it.

But I'm not just afraid of becoming another statistic, I'm also afraid of getting hurt. The hurt that I feel in my chest, that makes it difficult to swallow and brings tears to my eyes. I don't think I'm as strong as imagine myself to be... who knows? Maybe I'm stronger. I've learned to live with a lot the past 13 years. Maybe I'm just not used to feeling this kind of pain...

It's also a little hard because I'm jealous for two reasons. Bud has been talking to people and I'm sure he will be going out with them soon. I'm jealous that they will be able to have fun and spend time with him. The other reason is that it's them he's taking out not me. BUT he's my Bud and I want him to go out, have a good time, and meet someone special. I've been speaking to him about my dating situation and he's been giving me great advice, not to mention listening to me kvetch and feel sorry for myself like I'm doing right now. But that's gotta stop.

I feel a little silly complaining about these things... but I also feel better now that I've written them down and gotten them out of my system.

Maybe Denver will call me today.....

Monday, April 16, 2007

Can't Sleep...

Another drive back to Oz, and I can't sleep because of the coffee; I've got a little buzz going. Bud and I spoke for part of my drive, and I told him about talking to Gretel. Because of Pesach and tax season she and I haven't been able to get a hold of each other. Well, Gretel was very proud of me and happy that Bud and I are no longer going out. Then we started talking about why I'm so ambivalent about dating right now. Of course, Gret saw right through me and told me that maybe I just needed some time to get over Bud; especially since our going out was my first relationship after stbx. Just hearing that helped me move through it.

Then she gave me a shmooze on overthinking. I told you she knows me inside out. I started to justify my analyzing things and she cut me short, "See you're doing it even now." The funniest thing is that I can't and don't get angry at her for what she says because she's usually right. I claim to be right all the time, but I guess Gret has me beat, and I told her so.

I miss her and I'm going to try to get together with her when DB goes out of state with his father. Spending Shabbos in Boston with her family would be great, and I could finally meet child 8 and child 9, and see the family dimples on their cute faces.

btw-do you know that birds are up and singing in Oz at 3:30 a.m.?

Friday, April 13, 2007

On The Road Again... And Again

Yup, we're headed back to Kansas again tomorrow for Shabbos. I'll pick up DB from school and away we'll go. As much as I love to drive, I wouldn't complain if DB finished his transporter/time machine, and all we would have to do is jump in, press a button and presto... we would be in Kansas. I almost considered staying in Oz for the weekend, but if I have a choice I'd rather be in Kansas.

Since I won't be in Oz, I won't be going out on any dates this weekend which is kinda good. For some reason I'm just not into it right now. Maybe it's because I'm absolutely exhausted from Yontif and all the driving, but I really think it's just a lot to take in at once. Of course, I had to open a can of worms and write back to this man who said he would not relocate. No it's not NM. It's this man (yes, I wrote man as opposed to guy) that I was corresponding with recently. There is this air about him of adultness (shoot me... I know it's not a word but it fits) of surety about who he is and want he wants. This is someone that I thought I had a chance with... a real chance.

Anyway, he was on Frumster today and I gave in to the temptation of looking at his profile. (I was torturing myself by looking at what I couldn't have, and I was also hoping that he would write to me again. He did just that and gave me an opening to write back. Soooooo..... I did. And gave him my number too. I got his in return. We haven't talked yet and I'm still not sure if I want to. Actually, I do want to talk to him and hear his voice, but I know that I shouldn't.

Bud was great, and tried to get it into my head that I am just sabotaging myself by starting this. I wonder why I'm pulled to people who don't want to relocate. It's not that I search them out or try to hide the fact that I'm moving. As soon as they contact me (except for Mr. Man) I let them know immediately that I'm relocating so that it won't be a problem later on... if there is a later on. Is a part of me not ready not to get involved with someone? Or maybe I'm afraid to get involved if I know it will lead to....... the m-word. See, I don't even want to write the whole word.

Ya know it's getting late and I'm going to try to stop thinking... Yeah, right, I'd like to see that... me not thinking about things and analyzing....

Things always look different in the morning. Well, not always, but sometimes.

Good Shabbos

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Tired But Wired

Drove back from Kansas last night/this morning. Got in at about 5:30 a.m. The suitcase is empty and almost everything is put away. I'm extremely tired. I guess that comes from not getting any sleep. The problem is that I had some coffee, actually a very big cup of coffee, and I just can't relax enough to get some rest. I don't drink coffee except when I'm driving and need to stay awake. I also don't drink anything with caffeine because I just don't like the way I feel on it and a day after I've had it. It's almost like I'm hungover.

Last days were absolutely wonderful, with DB and family. We played tons of games and it really makes me proud of DB when he wins and loses gracefully. He loves catching his older (teenage) cousins cheating... things get really competitive when we play Go Fish and Old Maid... and yes, everyone plays and can't stop laughing...

I finally feel like my eyes are starting to close so I'm going to try to get some sleep before DB wakes up.........

Sunday, April 8, 2007

Boy, Am I Happy!

That's right I'm happy... grinning from ear to ear... DB is back. I missed him soooooo much. Having him in my arms made the world right.

I picked him up from his father's and then off we went back to Kansas. That's a lot of driving for one day and I wished that I could take a nap just like DB did within a half hour of us being on the road. Looking at his sleeping face in the rearview mirror almost brought me to tears. Just beneath the surface of that big boy face, I could see the little baby one that I used to look at sleeping in his crib... the sweet chin... the dark lashes brushing his cheeks. I wish I could take care of him and protect him from the world, but that's not possible. Instead I hope that I am giving him the strength, resilience, and confidence that he can get through anything and still find the joy and beauty that the world has to offer.

When we got to Kansas he behaved so beautifully, held the door for Zaidy when he was bringing in groceries. Said thank you to Saba for the new pin for his baseball hat. (It's a Marine baseball hat heavy with ribbons and pins that my dad gives to him each time we're down. OORAH!!!)
And made sure to give Bubbi tons of hugs and kisses.

Boy, do I love this boy!!


There's a new guy to add to the field and he lives in Denver but is willing to relocate. WOW! I can't believe that there are now two guys willing to relocate. Denver is extremely intelligent, but I don't know if a spark is there or not. I've spoken to him a couple of times now. In CR terms, that means at least an hour conversation each time. He's very well read, extremely well read, and has a love of books that rivals mine including science fiction. And has already sent me an e-mail after we last talked, and will be calling after Yontif even though we've talked about DB and his father and all the issues involved.

NM is still trying to convince me not to relocate, but I've made sure that he understands that it's just going to be one date. He wants it to take place as soon as possible. So maybe even this coming Wednesday night. We've been speaking several times a day. I am not the one doing the calling he is.

Mr. Willing wrote me before Pesach that he is going away, but will contact me as soon as he's back.

It's difficult keeping track of everyone. It helps to write it down. I'm thinking of putting my picture under password again. I'm really not that great at juggling, and I can't remember who I've told what to. Bud's been great, and he's really helping me focus on what's important. Gotta love The Buuuuuud.

One happy mom saying, Good Yontif, Chag Sameach, and all that stuff...... :)

Friday, April 6, 2007

Bud Needs A New Name

Just what the title says.

Actually, Bud wants to have his name go back to Charm. I told him that he's no longer Mr. Three-Time's-A-Charm since we aren't going out any longer. He's my friend, my Bud.

I like the name, Buuuuuud... drawn out... that's the way it should be said. He says the name is too southern, grass chewin', flannel wearin', redneck, hillbilly for him. What can I say, it's the southern, country girl in me that named him. Plus he's my friend, my Bud.

I'm willing to entertain the thought of changing his name if I find one that fits. Any ideas?

Sleeping On It and Mr. One-Night-Stand

Things do seem clearer in the morning. I'm trying to figure out why. Maybe because your brain has time to process whatever it is you've been thinking about. Studies have been done (I don't remember by whom and I'm not going to quote them) that if you sleep (even a short nap) after you've learned something new you retain the information better than if you had not slept. The information moves from short term memory to long term memory.

I think my brain (and feelings?) needed time to process the fact that there is no way MN is moving and that I don't want to get hurt again. It's just not worth it. BUT I already told him I would go out on a date with him. So I'm thinking about telling him that I'm only going to go out on this one date with him and that's it or he can choose not to go out at all. I don't want him to have to spend his money on me if he doesn't have to.

Just learned another lesson from Bud. This one wasn't that hard and didn't hurt like the last one. We spoke last night about getting messages from people at Frumster. He didn't sound too enthused whereas I get very excited. It's not that he's not interested. It's just that after going through this for a year (or two?) Bud said that he's learned not to get too excited at the beginning. My excitement from getting mail from someone at Frumster is toned down now a little because I really thought about what he said and took it to heart.

Having Bud for a friend is almost like having an older brother... he doesn't tell me what to do (don't ever TELL me what to do) instead he explains his reasoning and talks about his experiences. My younger brother sometimes acts that way, but he met his wife on a shidduch date and doesn't have the experience Bud does. And since I'm the oldest I've always taken care of my brother and everyone else... it's just who I am. But now I have someone (not including parents, of course) looking out for me. I want to call Bud, BBB, Big Brother Bud, but I don't think he'd really appreciate it (enough Bs in that sentence for ya?). I don't think that he wants me to view him as a brother. Still, I appreciate his concern and caring. OH!!! What's best is that he doesn't say "I told you so." Who wouldn't want a big brother like that?!?

Guess who I heard from. Nope, it wasn't Control. It was Mr. One-Night-Stand. He sent me a message through Frumster today. Kinda need to explain that he wasn't the one who didn't call after the one night... I just didn't answer the phone. There was no way that I wanted to talk to him. I wasn't embarrassed about what happened but angry, and hurt. Mr. One knew that he was going to be my first date in 8 years, and my first date with someone other than my stbx in 13 years. BUT he didn't make sure that even if it wasn't going to be a fantastic date, it would still be a good one. Instead he loaned his car to a friend and wanted me to drive. WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?!?!?!

And there's more..... he only told me about the car situation the night of our date. When I spoke up for myself (pat on the back to me) and told him that I really wanted to be picked up, he didn't get bother getting his car back, and there were several ways that he could have managed it. Hey! If I could think up these things why couldn't he. OK, OK, get off my case. I know I didn't offer my suggestions, but I was brand new to this and just telling him that I wanted him to drive and pick me up took many deep breaths and a lot of guts.

Anyway... I ended up going to pick him up. Just don't say anything... I know now that I shouldn't have done that. But it was my first date, and I was kind of timid about asking for what I wanted or saying no if I didn't get it. It's not like I was asking for the moon or a pair of diamond earrings. I'd rather see the moon up in the sky, and I don't need diamonds just love and hugs.

Mr. One wasn't even dressed when I got to his apt. He still needed to put on a shirt, shoes, socks, sweater. He hadn't even shaved!!!!!! Now c'mon (this is to you, guys out there), when you go on a date, let alone a first date, you shave. Mr. One also had a bottle of wine opened and we had a glass....

We never left his apartment....and it was over before it started.... And it wasn't even good. I got dressed and took off right after. He didn't even walk me to my car. I was angry at myself, and also at him. Do you blame me for not taking his calls??? I replied to Mr. One's e-mail today, and spelled it all out for him... without any animosity or exclamation points. But I did include an apology for not taking his calls and letting him know how upset and disappointed I was.

That whole incident was the reason I told Bud (when he was Charm) that he was the first guy I was going out with in 8 years, even though he wasn't. I wanted to see how he would treat me. A gold star for Bud. He picked me up, brought me chocolate (godiva), took me to The Top of the Rock, held my hand, kissed me while we were outside looking down at the city all lit up. Two hours of making out up there. Boy, he was a great kisser. Bud didn't push things even when they got a little hot and heavy.... a real gentleman and a great first date.

Thursday, April 5, 2007

I Made A Mistake

I just realized that MM (Mr. Maybe-I'll-Move) should not be named that. It does not state on his Frumster profile that he might relocate... it says that he won't relocate. UGH!!!! Boy, do I feel stupid. I spent a long time on the phone with him last night, and was looking forward to a date with him. Instead I wrote him an apology explaining the situation and that I didn't mean to lead him on or anything like that. Whenever someone from Frumster contacts me if their profile states that they won't relocate I immediately inform them that I will be moving to Kansas and plan to stay there. I want to be up front and not play games. I sent Bud at least two messages that told him about Kansas and my moving there. Somehow, we still ended up going out.

MN read the message and immediately called me. He reassured me that I had nothing to apologize for and that I did not lead him on. Then MN said that I don't have to move, but I explained that I must for DB so that he is safe. He acknowledged that he still wanted to go out with me, and was trying very hard (in a laid back, joking way) to convince me to go out with him. OMIGOSH!! I almost forgot to mention that he almost came down to Kansas today to surprise me and see me.

It's kind of ironic that now I'm talking to Bud about MM (let's change that to Mr. Not-Relocating). The funniest thing is that they know each other, and live in the same neighborhood. Geez Louise, what are the chances of that happening? So Bud is giving me advice and reminding me about what happened between us because he can't relocate.

I don't want to get hurt again... I know what I should do... Am I going to tell him that I won't go out with him? I have absolutely no clue. He's very sweet, and understands where I'm coming from. We get along well on the phone and even if he's not sure (I am definitely positive) that we would be attracted to each other and feel comfortable with each other in person. How do I manage to get myself into these situations?!?!?!??!

Do I Need To Choose?

Spoke with this guy on the phone last night and found out he was working at the hotel where I was supposed to have been. No, it wasn't Mr. Willing. It's Mr. Maybe-I'll-Move.... that's what it said on his profile on Frumster. I decided not to tell him in a message that I'm going to me moving to Kansas in the summer. The last time I did that this man I really wanted to get to know better wrote back that he wasn't going to be moving anytime soon, and that was after a couple of messages that I thought both of us enjoyed.

Mr. Maybe or MM sounds great, and by that I mean his voice, and his attitude about life etc. His voice is a little deep and it has a sexy sound. I know, I know, you can't base a relationship on sex. And I've learned that maybe now I can't have a casual sexual relationship. That's a real eye-opener. It's not like I've slept around, but in high school and for a few years after I kind of lived by CSBF, casual sex between friends. Sometimes, after I would date a guy we would still fool around... that is until I was exclusive with my next boyfriend. Oh boy, this sure doesn't sound good or make me look good. It sounds worse than it is. I was never considered a slut or anything close to that, and now I don't even know why... Maybe it's because I wasn't using these guys (well, yes I was but let me finish). First and always I was their friend then if we both wanted we would fool around. We were hormone crazy teenagers so there wasn't so many times when we didn't want to.

The last time I was in Kansas I literally ran into one of these guys. I called him Matza when we were dating, and no, his real name was not Pesach. While I was checking out the fantastic school for DB, he turned the corner and almost knocked me over. He had been looking for the principal, saw her and didn't expect anyone else to be in the empty classroom. We came face to face and then he started to turn red and stammer. I don't think that I had ever seen a man blush before. Matza couldn't remember why he was looking for the principal, and I really felt for him and tried making small talk so that she wouldn't realize that he couldn't think straight. After what felt like 10 minutes, but was probably only 30 seconds he was able to get it together a little and ask her for whatever it was he needed. When she left the room to get it his face got even redder, and his stammer came back. Whoa... this is a married man with 5 kids. I guess it's a good idea that I don't really keep in close touch (pun intended) with those guys I dated who are married.

In his defense, things got kind of serious with us. At least he thought they did. He wanted to marry me (marriage proposals are for another post). The funniest thing is that stbx was the only guy that had to be given an ultimatum to propose. It was definitely a sign of things to come.

Back to MM and Willing... I don't know if I can date two guys at once. There obviously hasn't been any talk of exclusivity. It's just that I don't know if I can keep things straight. And what happens if I like one better than the other? Do I unceremoniously dump the guy I don't like as much? But then what if things don't work out with the first one? Can I really expect the second one to go out with me again? How do people do this? UGH!!!!!! I guess dating FMs is the gauntlet I must go through in order to get to the Wonderful Wizard. HELP!!!!

Monday, April 2, 2007


I spoke with Charm (have to find a new name for him) and at first I felt the tug, but by the time we finished talking it was gone. I switched into "Bud" mode. We talked about me going out with other guys, but also him going out with other girls. That really helped. I'm used to doing that with my guy friends.... not that I have too many of them nowadays. Most of them are married and I don't feel that it's right that I should call or that they should speak to me as often. Actually, after someone dates me the next person they go out with they marry. It's happened to at least six guys. I'm wondering what that says about me. Maybe I should hire myself out. Wait a minute!!! That didn't come out right. But it is funny... hee hee ;)

Bud used my name the other day. What's the deal? I told him that I felt it was a way for him to keep a distance between us. Guess now that he doesn't need to worry about that he can call me my name.

Today I contacted Mr. Willing-to-Relocate from Frumster. I'm looking forward to dating some more and I think he would be a lot of fun. He's smart, funny, attractive, and willing to relocate. WOW!!!! He's told me that he like Kansas and could see himself living there. We haven't spoken yet, but I'm looking forward to hearing his voice, and he wants to get together before I cut my hair. It was supposed to be cut before Pesach, but there wasn't enough time.... so, it'll be cut right before Shavuos.

I'm also thinking about going red. Maybe the same color as the actress, Julianne Moore, or a little darker. I've been blonde and now, brunette. Why not try red? I wonder how people will react to me as a redhead. Even though I have dark hair now, I still feel and act as if I'm blonde. What I really think is that it's all in the attitude or as I tell Bud "in the way someone stands and holds themselves". That is what I believe can make a person appear more attractive to others. I guess, it's also like power and those who have it act in a certain way that draws people towards them. Similar to that, is how someone happy is usually surrounded by others that are or want to be happy too. The opposite of which is illustrated by the quote "misery loves (miserable) company."

Enough analyzing... Pesach is just about here and my mom is calling. Next year I hope to be settled in Kansas with DB... that is if we're not all in Eretz Yisrael with Moshiach.

Chag Kasher V'Sameach!!!!! Enjoy your friends and families!!!!

btw-Control won't stop calling me now. What's up with that???

Sunday, April 1, 2007


I'm not going away and working this Pesach. Every year I work as a "counselor" and take care of kids who are between the ages of 2 1/2 and 6. I'm so busy it helps me keep my mind off of missing DB, and by the end of the day I just pass out.

What's In A Name? or A Rose By Any Other Name Would Smell As Sweet... Or Sweeter

People call me names... nicknames that is. I answer to a lot of different ones. Some are a variation of my English or my Hebrew name, and some of them I have no clue about how they came to be. It all started with my mom. She calls me at least 10 different names. Usually it depends on what I've done recently or who we are with. When she uses my nickname coupled with my middle name everything is fine but when I hear my full first name followed by my middle name I know I've done something wrong. It's not to often I hear that one anymore. Most of the time I'm Shain short for Shaina Punim. My dad usually calls me by my nickname and sometimes Froggy. Yes, I'm a grown woman, but I'm still his little girl.

My brother no longer goes by his English name so my mother calls him Yosef Aryeh* his Hebrew name instead of Max Joseph*. So what if he's six feet tall, has a beard, is married and father to six boys, he'll always be my little brother Maxy*. And he doesn't mind me calling him that. Trust me... he would tell me if he did. But I have DB call him Uncle Yosef* or Uncle Yo*.

Most of my family members have middle names. I think it's a southern thing, and both names are almost always used. My aunt goes by Esther Ruth* and my uncle is Mark Isaac*. Everyone who knows my mom calls her by both her names Merril Sue*, almost as if they're one. First and middle names combined must have at least three syllables preferably four.

Charm goes by a one syllable name shortened from his first. He doesn't have an English name. The thing is he has a great name, with four syllables but he really dislikes being called by it. I would hear his name in my head, but then I could only say the one syllable. Ugh! It made me feel so restricted. So I used his full first name and last name together. I really need at least three syllables when I talk to someone. Charm doesn't really understand this. In fact, he doesn't/didn't even call me by my name. He didn't call me anything. I mentioned it to him because I find it so different and funny. Not even a term of endearment like honey or baby. I can count on 1 hand the amount of times he's called me by my name without any prompting by me. In two, no, three instances he called me baby. Once in writing and twice on the phone.

I associate nicknames with affection, love and different moods, and different people. Here are some that I am called.... Chicki Mama, Chaya Gittel*, Chayala, Shane, Shaina Punim, Julietta*, Julius*, Julie*, JuleEllen*, Froggy, Superchicken, Spaz, Pearl, Smiley, Giggles.

Of course DB has his own set of names... Cutie Pie, Doll, Munch, Munchie, Simcha Ber*, darlin' boy, babe shortened from baby doll, doll shortened from doll baby, bun short for honey bun, little one, honey bunch, bunch , Simcha* boy, ashaboo, banana, little one, buckaroo.

Gretel, Git, Mamasita, Shmellen, SuzyJo, Roberta, Shprintza Genendel, Matza, Sharona are some names that I call my friends.

Even our cat has nicknames. Frankie* is what DB named her, but we call her Frankie Cat, Fat Cat (for obvious reasons), Frank-Frank, Frankie-girl.

Temima Sora Bracha Maidela, Meema, Meems, Tuvia Yosef, Tuvy, Moishy, Mordy, Kusie, WMD, (one of my nephews who has climbed up onto the counters and dumped out all, and I mean all of the spices from their containers), Mr. Charles, Moonie, Tanzie, Tie-Tie are some of the nicknames for family members.

So you see, I really do like names. The one time when I heard Charm say my name naturally was when I was breaking up with him. I didn't even notice until he pointed it out to me. My theory is that names give you an attachment to a person especially if you create a name to call them. There were times when I heard Charm speaking with his daughter and calling her by name and nicknames. But for all the time that we spoke on the phone (and in person) he had a difficult time with using mine. I heard him use his ex's name more than mine. Whoa!!!

In Charm's most recent comment on a post of mine, he jokes that he's called me by name. Don't think that's ever really gonna happen with him... even if we stay friends. I think it's his way of not letting people get too close to him. Just think about your friends and family and the different names your loved ones call you.....

*names have been changed but the breakdown of the syllables has remained the same


Control called. It was really weird hearing from him less than 24 hours after breaking up with Charm. It almost made me think that Charm had somehow contacted him to let him know I wasn't in a relationship. Anyway, Control kept on saying, "I really @#*&ed up with you, didn't I?" I'm not the type to hang up on someone and Control is fun to talk too, so I agreed with him, "Yes, you did." Then I reminded him that he owes me five bucks on the bet we had. I knew he wasn't going to take me out within 30 days of our last talking... for two reasons, Charm, and Control doesn't follow through. He was supposed to call tonight, but I wasn't expecting to hear from him.... give him another thirty days. Maybe I should rename him @#*&ed up with you guy because it's a phrase he reiterates each time we speak.