Tension Can Be Painful

My shoulder and neck hurt. A friend of mine says that I am carrying a lot of weight on them. I don't know about that.

What I do know is that I am so thankful for those air activated sticky heating pads. They loosen up my neck and take some of the pain away. Without them I would be stuck at home with a plugged in heating pad on my shoulder or standing in a hot shower letting the water pound out the knots.

What I would really love is to have some strong hands massaging these painful spasms away. Until that time, I will take advil, try to stop clenching my jaw (it just adds to the tightness in my neck that travels up to and into my ear), and try to relax.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. It's hard to sleep when you're tossing and turning trying to find a way to get comfortable.

Friends Don't Let Friends Write Sleepy (I mean "while sleepy" Just another reason why.)

When it's late at night I get more emotional not to mention the fact that this increases with the amount of sleep that I have gone without. It's not like I'm drunk just a helluva lot more emotional. In case y'all didn't notice, I'm an emotional person to begin with.

I got back to Oz yesterday evening, but I couldn't sleep because of the caffeine that I had earlier in the day. The night before I was up late doing laundry otherwise I never would've had the caffeine to begin with. So even though I was wired, I was also exhausted. It's kind of difficult to think straight like that, and of course, I felt the need to write out my emotions.

Actually, what I think I need to do is wait a day before I post, talk to someone or get emotional when I'm tired. Now I understand the sayings; Let me sleep on it, and Things will look different in the morning.

btw-last week I didn't get too much sleep... not an excuse, just an explanation

Needless to say, I shouldn't even be posting this.

Summer Nights

It's warm out tonight. The sky isn't that dark yet. It's all blue, a light sky color, to royal, to a deep midnight blue. It's part of my favorite time of night. I love the color blue. The stars are out and I recognize Orion in the familiar place it takes in the summer sky at this time of year.

I used to have a hammock, and in the warm weather instead of sitting on the glider in DB's room and reading his bedtime stories, he would lie cuddled next to me on it under the stars with the three books chosen for that night. When it was really warm out we would go out with his hair still wet from his bath and it would keep us both cool. Once or twice he fell asleep while we did this, and I just stayed there for an hour or two looking up at the stars feeling content that my darlin' boy was peaceful and next to me.

I hadn't thought about this for awhile. DB is bigger now. He doesn't fit that well on my lap when I'm on the glider so we read in his bed. The stories are also different; The Count of Monte Cristo, The Last Of The Mohicans, but Dr. Seuss hasn't left the group quite yet, although Green Eggs And Ham, and Hop On Pop have.

I know that if DB weren't dyslexic I wouldn't be reading him any bedtime stories at all. That's about the only good thing that I can see in him being dyslexic. There are times now when he wants to "read" something on his own, and the occasions that I sing to him our repertoire of lullabies are also decreasing.

He's growing up... beautifully. I remember the day I walked into his room in the morning and he was standing up for the first time holding onto the crib rails with a big grin of accomplishment on his face. It took me all of a minute to grab my camera and record it for posterity, but I didn't really need to. Closing my eyes, I can still see that sweet face smiling at me.

His manners are also improving. I wrote improving, after all he is a boy and a child, but yesterday I didn't need to remind him to hold open the door for Bubbi and to say thank you. We stopped in a gallery and DB stood talking to the owner about Chagall, texture and color and how he paints. He is so grown up for a little munch, but the next moment he was discussing who is a stronger alien in the cartoon Ben 10 (tv show he watches with his dad), and acting out what the character does.

He's a special boy, and I'm so lucky to be his mom. I hope all you other mom's (including mr. moms) enjoy your children and have a Happy Mother's Day.

Tired

That's what I am... plain old tired. Some intense emotions, not too much sleep last night, and then the drive to Kansas.

I was just too tired to lug home the basketball hoop and set it up tonight. I'll do it tomorrow morning when I'm probably just as tired, but after I've had a nice shower to wake me up.

Guest Post

I've been kinda busy this past week as I'm sure all of you have been. And if you haven't, try not to rub it in our faces.

It's not like my fingers haven't been itching to get some words down "on paper." I even started two posts. One of which has become a story which may or may not end up on my blog. Of course, I didn't finish the posts, so they weren't posted. Should I write another sentence or two with the word post in it. Sorry, just a little punch drunk... haven't been getting too much sleep.

So I got an e-mail from a reader offering his services... NO! Not like that!!! Get your minds out the gutter!! He offered to post for me. And of course, I said, "yes." I believe in making my life easier soooo... I would like to introduce you to Yossi and his rant on wooden spoons and Pesach cleaning.



I’ve been thinking about this all day, as I furiously scrub down my apartment ahead of the looming deadline, and I have reached a conclusion: It’s all because of the wooden spoons.

For as far back as anyone can remember, Jews have been buying wooden spoons to use during the b’dikas chametz ceremony, even though they serve no known function. They simply get carried around for a little while, then get burned with the crumbs found. Despite the lack of utility, great effort has generally gone into getting these spoons, and no Passover can be complete without one. Or so it seems.

I trace back the entire genre of senseless, unreasoned, extra-halachic stringencies to this dynamic, all provoked by the lowly wooden spoon.

Why wash off the chametz before putting it away? Why clean in places no rabbi ever demanded? Why spend extra to buy unwashed eggs, so the shell shouldn't touch (non-chametz) soap? Why hire anti-Semitic Eastern Europeans to steal, break, and scratch everything in the house? Why raise the home tension level and blood-pressure to unsafe levels?

Does anyone think that the rabbis of the Talmud did such things? They didn’t even have aluminum foil!

The Ben Ish Chai, Chief Rabbi of Baghdad at a time when that community was very rich and living in huge homes,wrote a “Mussar” letter to the women in the community. I paraphrase: “Don’t be lazy when it comes to Pesach preparation and cleaning. You are privileged to live in large homes, and have plenty of help, so don’t wait until the last minute! Start cleaning two, maybe even three, days before the holiday!”

I rest my case. And my pruny-looking dishwater hands. Excuse me while I go learn Divrei Torah on the Hagada.

Easy

He makes it easy... easy to talk to, to tell him things I've never told anyone... easy to laugh and cry with, easy to care about, and easy to write about. There's a comforting warm feeling that I get in my chest when I think of him. It's contentment.

Anyway, remember that I wrote two nights ago that it's hard not to be able to call him anytime I would like and most especially to say good-night. He called me late last night to specifically say goodnight to me. I fell asleep while dreaming of being in his arms, hearing his deep sweet voice and with a soft smile on my lips.

What I'm trying to say is that he listens to me, and then tries to make me happy. I don't have to shout things from the mountain top to get his attention. He's standing right there next to me in the clouds.

Yes, I like to dream. I like to hope for better things... for safety, happiness, love, and it's easy to do this with him around. Don't get me wrong. I'm also realistic, which does make the dreaming difficult at times. There are no guarantees in life. I won't make any promises, and I HATE it when people try to promise me something. I guess today is a day for cliches so here comes another one. Promises are made to be broken.

Tell me you will try your best. I will take you at your word and understand if something doesn't quite work out the way you said it was going to. But just don't promise me anything. The disappointment that I feel when the promise is broken carries over into my not being able to trust you in the future.

It's kind of obvious that I've been promised things before or maybe not even promised just told that things would take place and I've been let down. The worst thing about it is that I get angry at myself too when this happens. I blame myself for trusting someone's word again. It makes me feel stupid, not just hurt.

Oh, no! I said the "S" word. It's a word that we don't say in our family. When DB gets really angry or upset he sometimes shouts "I JUST WANNA SAY THE "S" WORD!!!" Of course, I'm trying my very best not to burst out laughing when he does this.

He's too cute, and he would be infuriated to know that I called him that. He's getting older and wants to be cool. I've caught him a couple of times looking at himself pose in the mirror... turning his baseball cap around, crossing his arms over his chest, slouching a little and putting his hands in his pockets.

He doesn't realize that the fact that he sticks up for his friends, and also doesn't let them walk all over him make him pretty cool just as he is... sure do love the darlin' boy. And I really do like the darlin' man.

Cranky

Cranky, grouchy, grumpy, kvetchy, or whatever you'd like to call it. That's the way I feel with only a couple hours of sleep, trying to fix the internet connection on my mom's computer (it looks like my abba had a party with it again or somehow managed to step on it) my BlackBerry service not working properly, and I miss him.

Yeah, yeah, I've never even met him. How can I miss him? BUT I DO! So don't mess with me on this one. Plus my mom's treadmill belt is slipping so I can't even run/walk this uchy feeling out of me!!!!

And NO! Having some coffee would not help. I don't drink coffee unless it's late at night, and I'm driving back to Oz. I don't like the taste of coffee, although I really do like the smell. My cup of coffee is a nice hot shower. It wakes me up in the morning, and if for some reason I don't get to have one try to stay out of my way until I do. Well, I'm not that bad.

It takes a lot to get me to this point of crankiness, but the sun is out, the darlin' boy is happy, I got a hug from him without even asking for it, and I'm in Kansas... so really what am I complaining about? It's just about out of my system already. And now I'm off to a nice hot shower, brunch with my da (dad), some bike riding and basketball, and picking up a new wireless router for my mom.



I'm feeling better already

I Guess I Do

I've been told I talk in my sleep. I never really believed it until tonight. While putting DB to bed we were both dozing, and I woke us up saying very loudly and distinctly, "Hold her up so she can see." I was dreaming that our cat could not see the artwork, and she needed to be lifted up so she could see over the people's heads.

Y'all know that I have very vivid dreams, and obviously that's when I do my talking. So the next time I'm told that I talk in my sleep it looks like I'm going to have to reply "Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up."

Stayed Out Late

OK, what you've all been waiting for.... the date.

I was absolutely exhausted but finally fell asleep for about 45 min. after I wrote the post yesterday. I had wanted to clean up the apt. some more, but I just wasn't functioning.

When I woke up I realized that the clothes I wanted to wear were at the cleaners. I got there before they closed, and then realized that the skirt was actually at home.

Yeah, you probably aren't interested in all that. "Get to the good part, CR!!" OK, OK, he picked me up and we went out to dinner. I remembered to put on perfume before I walked out the door and he said that I smelled good.

He looked good. Cute, actually handsome. I felt very comfortable with him. Well, we have been talking for an extended period of time. OH! I never even told you guys that I didn't want to go out with him in the first place. I only saw us as friends with no benefits because he wanted to go out. I didn't want any confusion to take place. I was straight out with this information, and he was OK with it at first.

Then at some point things changed. He was trying to convince me to go out with him everytime we spoke. At first, I thought he was joking, but when he kept on pushing I realized he really did want to go out with me. I asked him what changed, and why he wanted to go out with me now. He told me at least 20 times, but for the life of me I can't really remember why.

After about two weeks of him trying to convince me, he wore me down enough that I said yes.

Let's be honest here. He's kind, caring, funny, handsome, understanding, I feel comfortable with him, but there's just a part of me that's holding back. I'm not really sure why. OH!!!! Major biggie!!! He can relocate. Maybe it's because he can relocate that I'm not sure. Maybe I should just date him and get to know him better.

I still haven't come up with a name for him. I think it's just going to be NN (no name).

I've Got A Date!

Yup, it's true! It's not wishful thinking. I didn't make it up. I have a date!!!.

Can't decide what to call the guy. Maybe I'll have a name for him by the end of the night. Can't decide what to wear, but I'm sure I'll be able to figure something out. The most important thing that I can't decide about it is how to wear my hair.

OK, guys I'm sure you are tuned out at this point... Anyway, I didn't have a chance to get my haircut before Thanksgiving. It's long, very long, down past my shoulder blades, long enough to cut and give to Locks of Love with enough left over so that I won't be bald. That's why I've been growing it. I usually wear it in a doubled up ponytail at the back of neck with a baseball hat on my head. It's much easier than spending an hour blowdrying it and curling it.

I should be sleeping since I went a day without sleep and last night I only got 5 hours. BUT I think I'm a little wired. I feel a little more relaxed now that I've written about it. I'm gonna try to close my eyes again. I don't want to be yawning or have my face fall into my food while we're out.

BTW-I like him!

Mamas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be...

....light sleepers.




Babysitting today for the giggle baby. The one who loves to see me dance, and will just giggle at me for no reason. I laugh back and then we're off... cracking each other up. He's sweet, smart and absolutely beautiful. BUT the sad thing is he's a light sleeper. He's almost 1 1/2 and his parents go into him when he cries. His mom is trying now, but it's so much harder with an older child.





So he woke up less than halfway into his nap, and his mom doesn't want me to get him when he does that. I understand completely. I also understand that this is the reason I'm here and she's out. It's hard enough listening to someone else's baby cry let alone your own.

There's one thing that I would advise new parents or parents-to-be is to make sure that there is always noise of some sort when you put your newborn child to bed. It would also be to put your baby to sleep (in their crib) before they are asleep. That way you want have to suffer through the tears and heartache of getting your baby to learn to soothe himself to sleep. You also won't have to suffer through nights without rest for you and your child.

note: just re-read this post and it should say "That way you won't have to suffer through....." there's no way that I would mean that you want a baby to cry unneccesarily that's the point of this whole post. So the baby and you won't be crying.

Tired But Wired

Drove back from Kansas last night/this morning. Got in at about 5:30 a.m. The suitcase is empty and almost everything is put away. I'm extremely tired. I guess that comes from not getting any sleep. The problem is that I had some coffee, actually a very big cup of coffee, and I just can't relax enough to get some rest. I don't drink coffee except when I'm driving and need to stay awake. I also don't drink anything with caffeine because I just don't like the way I feel on it and a day after I've had it. It's almost like I'm hungover.

Last days were absolutely wonderful, with DB and family. We played tons of games and it really makes me proud of DB when he wins and loses gracefully. He loves catching his older (teenage) cousins cheating... things get really competitive when we play Go Fish and Old Maid... and yes, everyone plays and can't stop laughing...

I finally feel like my eyes are starting to close so I'm going to try to get some sleep before DB wakes up.........

Boy, Am I Happy!

That's right I'm happy... grinning from ear to ear... DB is back. I missed him soooooo much. Having him in my arms made the world right.

I picked him up from his father's and then off we went back to Kansas. That's a lot of driving for one day and I wished that I could take a nap just like DB did within a half hour of us being on the road. Looking at his sleeping face in the rearview mirror almost brought me to tears. Just beneath the surface of that big boy face, I could see the little baby one that I used to look at sleeping in his crib... the sweet chin... the dark lashes brushing his cheeks. I wish I could take care of him and protect him from the world, but that's not possible. Instead I hope that I am giving him the strength, resilience, and confidence that he can get through anything and still find the joy and beauty that the world has to offer.

When we got to Kansas he behaved so beautifully, held the door for Zaidy when he was bringing in groceries. Said thank you to Saba for the new pin for his baseball hat. (It's a Marine baseball hat heavy with ribbons and pins that my dad gives to him each time we're down. OORAH!!!)
And made sure to give Bubbi tons of hugs and kisses.

Boy, do I love this boy!!



DATING UPDATE:

There's a new guy to add to the field and he lives in Denver but is willing to relocate. WOW! I can't believe that there are now two guys willing to relocate. Denver is extremely intelligent, but I don't know if a spark is there or not. I've spoken to him a couple of times now. In CR terms, that means at least an hour conversation each time. He's very well read, extremely well read, and has a love of books that rivals mine including science fiction. And has already sent me an e-mail after we last talked, and will be calling after Yontif even though we've talked about DB and his father and all the issues involved.

NM is still trying to convince me not to relocate, but I've made sure that he understands that it's just going to be one date. He wants it to take place as soon as possible. So maybe even this coming Wednesday night. We've been speaking several times a day. I am not the one doing the calling he is.

Mr. Willing wrote me before Pesach that he is going away, but will contact me as soon as he's back.

It's difficult keeping track of everyone. It helps to write it down. I'm thinking of putting my picture under password again. I'm really not that great at juggling, and I can't remember who I've told what to. Bud's been great, and he's really helping me focus on what's important. Gotta love The Buuuuuud.

One happy mom saying, Good Yontif, Chag Sameach, and all that stuff...... :)

I Said It... Sort Of

I'm sooooo stupid. I let sex and a lack of sleep open up my mouth. I told Charm "I think I'm falling in love with you." I was only able to get a half hour of sleep during the past 24 and I get more emotional whenever I'm extremely tired. It kind of put him on the spot and I feel really bad about it.

I hope I'm not confusing sex with love. I don't know..... Charm is really the first guy that I've gone out with in the past 13 years. Do I feel this way for him because of the way he treats me, or because of the way I feel when I'm with him? What exactly does love feel like? I don't think I ever really felt it for the stbx. I know that I had crushes or infatuations when I was younger, but what is real love? How do I know if what I'm feeling isn't just the glow after sex? What I'm really afraid of is that the reason I think I might be in love with him is because of how he treats me. Am I being taken in again? Am I just jumping into the arms of the first nice guy I meet to only find out later that he's a mean controlling person? I don't think so. Charm is too good a guy.

I feel very vulnerable right now and stuuuupid. What did I do? Did I ruin a perfectly good friendship with benefits? Is that the way he views it? Maybe I'm seeing more in this relationship than really exits? Am I exaggerating?

What did I do?!?!?!? I would take it back if I could. See, I shouldn't be dating yet!!! I don't know how to play games and I don't want to. A part of me just wants to shut down and stop seeing him. Instead I'll go to sleep hoping that this is all one of my very vivid dreams, and I'll wake up thinking clearer.

Shabbos With DB

DB (darling boy) and I spent Shabbos together at home in Oz this past week. I just realized that a nickname I use for DB is munch or munchie. It's short for munchkin or munchkin face..... I guess we're really not in Kansas. Anyway, we had planned on going to friends, but it didn't work out. We also weren't able to go to Kansas because Shabbos starts too early right now and I'm not going to risk getting caught on the road. Shul was out because I don't want to waste my energy on people who used to be my friends but now ignore me when I wish them Good Shabbos. I thought that DB and I might be a little lonely, but instead we had a great time together..... a lot of game playing, reading, and talking.

For some reason there wasn't the pre-Shabbos craziness that usually happens. Even though I had to cook a little on Friday, it was enjoyable. The music was on and I was singing and dancing around the apartment. It reminded me of Thursday nights when my mom would be cooking for Shabbos and Neil Diamond was playing on the 8-track. She'd grab my hands and dance me around the kitchen. It's a habit that I picked up except DB and I were listening to Bare Naked Ladies. He likes their music and just realized the name of the band and loves to say it.... so he smirks and says "Mom, let's listen to the naked ladies." He really is turning into a boy because when I read to him on Shabbos he tried to hide his giggle when I said the word penalized. I wasn't positive about the reason for his laughter until he told me "penalized, penis." Yup, he's a boy.

DB told me something that I was almost positive about. When he was giving tzedaka right before licht benching DB mentioned, "Daddy doesn't start Shabbos this early. He starts it after it's dark outside." This is one of those times that I wish that DB wasn't so observant and aware. His dad is definitely not shomer Shabbos when they are together. He wasn't when we were married so why should anything be different now. It's just an act he puts on for his friends and family.

DB started hitting me with questions, "How come Daddy doesn't start Shabbos the same time as us? When is the right time to start Shabbos? Is it Shabbos for my cousins now? (They live in Eretz Yisrael) Is it Shabbos for Bubbi now?" I decided to ignore the first question and instead started explaining to him how his cousins had already started Shabbos and were now sound asleep. Of course that statement got him thinking and we had to pull out the globe. We got into a discussion about the difference between the earth's rotations and revolutions around the sun. He forgot about his father for the moment, but I know it's still in the back of his mind. I will not speak bad about his dad to DB, but he's a bright boy and sees people for who they are without any help from me. It made me sad to hear him tell me that "Daddy is a liar, Mommy." I try to play these things down, but I am not going to make excuses for his behavior.

Back to our wonderful Shabbos, we sang and talked about the parsha, and how the mishkan was built. DB went straight for the Lego "to build a replica to scale" and he wanted me to give him the exact measurements.... Where does he pick up these things? It was finally time for bed.... I had been ready for over an hour.... We read two more chapters of Gulliver's Travels. Didn't know it was possible to read in my sleep, but the next day I couldn't remember any part of Chapter 13 and was about to start it when DB informed me that we were now on Chapter 14.

Of course since it was Shabbos, DB woke me before six!! When I asked him why he woke up earlier than during the week it was "because I want to play with you." So play we did.... first came chess and he beat me on his own. In my defense it still wasn't even seven yet and my brain wasn't functioning. Then we played masterpiece, othello, mastermind.... inside the clubhouse he built out of chairs and blankets. Oh! Don't forget yugioh. I have no idea how to play and I am soooooooo bored by that game so whenever DB isn't looking I stick another card into the sofa cushions so it will end faster. The whole day went by without any whining or DB getting angry. WOW!!!! Maybe all he needed was some time with me. The best part of Shabbos was the warm content feeling I got inside when we were cuddled up on the sofa under a blanket while we read our books.

Thank G-d for Shabbos and DB.