Friday, March 30, 2007

Freedom From Limbo Or I Make A Decision

Yup, I did it. I made a decision. I ended it with Charm tonight. Gotta love the man, and I'm also very proud of myself. There were tears, but nothing hysterical... no big drama. I didn't know that I was going to do it tonight. I just knew that I didn't want to do it over the phone. Everyone i.e., Shmellen, Gretel and my Mom knew what was coming. But I didn't really tell my mom anything... I guess when you're a parent you just know some things... especially when your child has no time to talk to you because they're busy with someone else. Gretel and Shmellen liked Charm. Well, Gretel even liked him enough to try to convince me to stay in Oz.... because if the mom is happy then so are the children. It's just that it's also a case of Pikuach Nefesh. DB's physical, mental, and emotional health come first. I need to stop fooling myself that somehow things could've worked out. He wasn't even in love with me.

Soooo.... where do we go from here? I told Charm that we would still be friends, and I would love to have someone like him in my life. I just don't know if that can really happen, and forget about me calling anytime soon.... unless, I really feel that I can handle it. I'm also not goint to e-mail that's how this whole thing got started in the first place.

I'll miss his phone calls... when he's driving to work, running just about five minutes late and stuck in traffic, and driving home from work and going to stop in and put his daughter to bed.... the updates on his daughter and her loose teeth... the calls during the day when something funny has happened...

I'll miss watching Seinfeld and Scrubs with him over the phone every night and listening to him laugh... I'll miss his corny jokes that we both laugh at... I'll miss hearing the changes in his voice when he's serious, sexy, happy, or ranting about rabbis.

I'll miss his kisses and his caring.

Don't know why,
there's no sun up in the sky
Stormy weather
Since my man and I aint together,
Keeps rainin all the time

I'm sure I'll be writing about this again soon, but right now my eyes are closing as I'm typing.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Happy Half Birthday To Me

It started when I was 5 1/2 years old. Well, most likely before I was 5 1/2. I remember asking my mother when the day would come that I could finally claim there was only 6 months left to being five... less than 6 months to being a 6 year old.... which in my eyes meant grown up, first grade, homework, the big school, sitting at desks....

I have remembered that day ever since. March 26. Believe it or not there have been occasions, twice, that I forgot my b-day, but not my half birthday.Once was when I was out of the country and had been celebrating it before I left the States non-stop. The other time happened during this craziness of divorce. There was just so much going on that I didn't remember until I finally had a chance to return my mother's phone call and was serenaded. "Happy Birthday to you....."

Gretel's birthday took place on Shabbos. She is 6 months older than I and going through her reluctance to be called a year older helps me deal with it. By the time September rolls around I've accepted the change in numbers, and am looking forward to celebrating it.

Age isn't that much of a determining factor in relationships for me. I've dated guys who were older, younger and even my own age. The biggest difference was a five year gap and I was the elder. Charm is younger than I am and it doesn't make a difference. I was even contacted on Frumster by an FM 10 years my junior. We're not dating, but have become friendly. And yes, when I wrote back to him I made mention of the age diff. But, it didn't bother him. Of course not, as he wrote "I'm not proposing." Well, he wasn't proposing marriage, but rather other things (that haven't taken place). I didn't know I could be attractive to someone who was that much younger. Hey! I don't mind getting older. Bring on September.

Headed The Wrong Way

Driving on the GW (George Washington Bridge) saw Kansas plates on a flatbed headed into the city. I was ready to yell out the window. "Hey, You're headin' the wrong way, Bud. You don't want to get stuck in this place." My mind started drifting back to when how I learned how to drive stick. I was seventeen, and working for an engineering firm. The company car was a beat up blue pickup with dried mud everywhere except maybe the roof and she was mine to drive for the summer. Aaron, one of the engineers, spent an afternoon in a parking lot with me. Quite a sight... I might have been old enough to drive, but I sure didn't look it, and his suit, beard, and yarmulke made him just a little conspicuous too. The double takes when I got out of the truck were great, and made me smile and laugh which usually resulted in the same coming from the people who were gawking.
Going out to the sites... driving the truck, wearing jeans with the window open and music blaring wasn't what I considered work, but they still paid me even after I totalled the boss's car. I just stood at the side of the road wondering how they were going to fire me. Instead the boss comforted me with stories of how many cars he totalled when he was a teenager and sent me out in the truck the next day to get some plans I knew he already had.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Not Anytime Soon

I just got off the phone with Gretel. It's not her real name, but a nickname I've called her since we've been eight. She's now a rebbetzin with 9 beautiful children, and one of my best friends. I don't get to see her often because she lives in Boston, teaches and is a part-time cpa, not to mention starting her own business, and doing some catering on the side. There are times when we will go months without talking. But we always pick up right where we left off without any hesitation or awkwardness. Gretel's thoughts especially with regard to me are sound and correct. I value her opinion even if I don't necessarily follow it because she always has my best interests at heart. She's my sounding board, my shoulder to cry on, and my mirror. I don't know what I would do without her.

Well, yes I do know. I wouldn't be sitting here trying to figure out what is going on between Charm and me, and what to do about it. You see, I can't say that I am 100% sure that I will be moving to "Kansas" this summer. After becoming entangled in this system for over 6 years I have learned that things don't always happen the way they should according to case law etc.... If they did I could say with certainty that I would be moving. It also appears that even though we were supposed to have a trial regarding relocation at the end of May it will not take place then. The forensic psychologist informed me today that even if she started the evaluation this afternoon it would not be complete for at least 8-10 weeks. Kind of took me by surprise.

You would think that nothing regarding this mess could do that to me anymore. I am also the only party who has contacted her. So now I am the one responsible for getting her the court order of appointment which details who is responsible to pay for her services. It feels like the whole system has the mentality of the stbx in thinking that if they ignore something it will take care of itself and/or cease to exist. It's hard to take care of these matters and face things when no one else including your attorney is helping you. All I want is to go on with my life and take care of myself and my son. I believe that the best possible way for this to take place would be for me to relocate with DB to Kansas.

There are numerous reasons why I want to go back home to "Kansas." My brother and his family live in Eretz Yisrael, and my parents are divorced so when my parents get sick I take care of them. I deal with their doctors etc.... My parents are usually healthy, but they are getting older and my dad suffers from a chronic condition that periodically flares up.

I now understand what people say when you save a life you are responsible for it, for the person. I feel that way about my dad. Around 17 years ago after my father had an operation and was brought back to his room in the hospital I noticed that his breathing was slowing and told the nurse. She told me to count his breaths and keep track of it. When my father's breathing continued to slow I had to get on her case to call a resident. My father was given a shot (narcan, to get the painkiller out of his system) and then the doctor told me to keep track of my father's breathing. Before they came back to check on my dad I had to call the nurse again and tell her that his breathing was slowing down dramatically. They gave him another shot of narcan and when that didn't work transferred him to ccu. If I had not stayed the night...

The same thing took place this past Succos after first days of Yontif. My dad was in the emergency room and my aunt had left, but I didn't feel comfortable leaving my dad alone even though he was feeling better. His breathing slowed and once again I was the one who noticed and had to tell the nurse and doctor. They were in the process of transferring him to a room and then turned him around and kept him in emergency. The narcan worked this time, but I stayed the whole night again.

Another reason to move to "Kansas" is DB and the loving attention he would receive from all our family members. A HUGE, major point is this school that I saw. DB would get the help he so desperately needs and wants. I haven't found a school like it up here in Oz. A frum school that is able to teach him in a multi-sensory fashion, and give him the basic skills, but at the level he needs to keep him intellectually stimulated.

There's also a school that I would like to attend about an hour away from Kansas. Because of the the immersion in the language my ASL (American Sign Language) skills would improve and my certification for interpretation could be finished must faster than if I stayed here in Oz. I'm seriously considering going into special ed. and deaf studies. I love kids and have experienced first hand the frustration they experience due to learning disabilities, i.e. DB. Showing them they are capable of learning would be extremely rewarding. This would mean more school for me, but I don't think I mind especially if I was in school in Kansas.

Plus not having to worry about babysitters... like paying them or being concerned about them showing up, let alone showing up on time would be a load off my mind and wouldn't put a dent in my wallet. There are enough cousins, aunts and uncles who love to spend time with DB that they would be fighting over who gets to stay with him even while he sleeps. We have about 200 family members not to mention close friends who are included as part of the family. I could work while DB was in school and earn more money than I do right now.

Spring Ramblings my step.... almost a skip.... A soft breeze and a damp smell of growth... melting snow watering new buds...

I missed skiing again this year. The skis were in Kansas, along with my boots and all my other gear. DB is itching to get on the slopes and he's never skied... Next year!!!! He'll pick it up very quickly and we'll race down the mountain, no stopping and quads burning. But for now the bike tires have air in them and we'll be doing some riding. I'm not looking forward to lugging the bikes back and forth from Oz to Kansas, but it will be worth it when DB and I go riding together.

I love the outdoors. What I love the most is the wind in my face. It brings to mind a dog hanging his head out the window in ecstasy. It such a sense of freedom to me. I love the wind whether it's from skiing a run down a mountain, a ride on a horse, biking, running, sailing, and of course the window open while driving with the music blaring singing my heart out and smiling.

Squeaky, my minivan, is slowly falling apart. I try to keep her in good shape, but I've put a lot of miles on her and she wasn't new when she came to me. The next car will also have to be a minivan. It's necessary for carpools, playdates, and traveling with DB and the cat. She goes with us to Kansas and has been since we got her when she was 4 months old. DB has been traveling back and forth to Kansas in the car since he's been three months. They both behave beautifully and there is no DVD player. I'm kind of old school in that respect. I would rather DB read, draw, look out the window and notice the world around him, sing with me, talk to me, and connect with me.

DB and I talk about getting a new car and we're in agreement that the next one must have a sunroof. He's definitely his mother's kid. My first car had a sunroof, and in every season it was open. The only time I drove with it closed was when it was raining (drizzling and it would still stay open) or snowing very hard. For about year I took care of three of my younger cousins (all under the age of three) and even if they couldn't ask for the sunroof to be opened they would point at it.

I've got to schedule an oil change for Squeaky, and I really do have to replace the spark plugs and wires. Dad has been on my case about it. It doesn't take all that long, but I really want to do it with DB so that he can learn how to do these things for himself the way I learned with my dad. He's definitely not going to do anything like this with is father. I still feel a sense of accomplishment in the fact that I replaced the battery. It's not a hard job to do and lord knows I do own enough tools to get it done, but the best part was talking to my dad about it after and being able to tell him something he didn't know. Just in case any of you ever need to replace your car battery always disconnect the negative cable first. It's obvious my dad is proud of me, but when I told him about the cable and then when he saw the new kitchen floor I put down I really felt it. Talk about being confident in my abilities... he wants me to do his kitchen floor next. WOW!!! Ultimate compliment.

I love to work with my hands and enjoy the feeling of knowing that I can take care of myself. BUT, I wish that I didn't have to. It would be wonderful to give over some things to someone else or to even have someone else share some of the responsibilities. It's hard being mom and dad. It's also hard having to be the one to discipline all the time. DB's a great kid so it really isn't all the time, but his father doesn't discipline at all, and so he's the fun one in DB's eyes.

Ask And You Shall Receive

Not only is he actually listening to what I have to say he is doing something about it. ABSOLUTELY UNBELIEVABLE!!!! Sunday night when Charm and I were talking on the phone I mentioned that I really wanted to be with him, near him, to see him. He invited me over and after I said yes he then asked me if I wanted to spend the night. HOLY MOLEY!!!! Talk about positive reinforcement (pun intended). I packed up some things and drove over. Charm also told me that I look pretty, and yesterday he specifically let me know that his daughter was going to be over tonight, but that maybe I could come over anyway and we would watch a movie. If not for this cold, and how tired and achy I feel I would've been there in a flash.

Back to Sunday night.... We sat on the sofa again and talked, except this time it was much more relaxed and no tears. I gave him a card. And yes, I wrote those three little words in it. BUT don't get too upset with me for doing that. Although I wrote those words, I didn't mean them as in "I'm in love with you." I meant them in the manner that you listen to me and care about me and I care about you and really like you and love you as I do my close friends. OK, you could say that I am fooling myself about meaning that, but it's true. Because of Charm's ability to listen and understand and be open with me I really do feel that he is a true friend. At least those feelings I'm sure of, and we haven't had any fights yet.

It is kind of weird that we haven't fought. We've been talking about that. I don't think that you can classify my mixed emotions and confusion as a fight. At least he and I haven't. We also talked about not talking, and about the fact that neither of us really planned on having this go anywhere when we first went out. But that's basically where we left it. The next morning after I left he called me and asked me if anything was resolved. Meaning we still haven't come out and said to one another that I am hopefully going to be moving back to Kansas and that he is not going anywhere. I guess I feel that once it is said everything is over and I think he feels the same because neither of us has said it in so many words.

I feel like I've fallen through the looking glass into a Sex and the City storyline with Carrie and Big.... especially after Charm told me that I left some soap and a pair of pantyhose at his house. OMIGOD!!!! I started cracking up. It was just too... too... I could almost hear his thoughts. "She's leaving things here!!!! I've got to figure out a way for her to take them back without hurting her feelings BECAUSE I don't want her leaving things here!!!!" I started coughing because I was laughing so hard. Charm had no clue about the way he sounded which made it even funnier. Since I travel back and forth to Kansas just about every other week I tend to leave things behind so I didn't notice that I was missing anything. Doubles and triples of necessary toiletries fill my bathroom and who knows how my pairs of pantyhose I own, but trust me from now whatever comes with me will leave with me.

I just got off the phone with Charm and realize that even though we've talked about not talking we still need to talk. How many more times could I have written the word talked in that sentence? Anyway, I feel like I'm in limbo again. UGH!!! Limbo with the divorce, with relocating, and now with Charm. I don't like having to wait for or having someone else make decisions about my life. Sooooo.... where do I go from here? If I really don't like having my life in someone else's hands then I guess I've got to figure out for myself what I'm going to do. I love the guy, and maybe I was in love with him very briefly but it doesn't look like it's returned in a similar fashion. Too bad..... he's a great guy, fun to be with, intelligent, considerate, a good father....

What do I do? No, I'm not asking for someone to me an answer. I'm talking to myself trying to figure this mess out. He's let his Frumster account lapse so I'm getting mixed signals. Maybe we both really should be dating other people? Maybe he's just not that into me... Maybe....
I'm rambling and probably will continue to do so until I make a decision. And yes, I know that not making a decision is also a decision.

Yesterday, I hit the speed dial for Charm by accident while driving with DB and searching for a juice box to give him. Uncle Kracker came on the radio. I love to sing and Charm ended up with a message of me doing just that. He told me that he thought I was trying to tell him something.

You don't know how you met me
You don't know why,
you can't turn around and say good-bye

And all you know is when I'm with you
I make you free
And swim through your veins like a fish in the sea
I'm singing....

Follow me
Everything is alright
I'll be the one to tuck you in at night
And if you want to leave I can guarantee
You won't find nobody else like me

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Contagious Kids

Well, that's what I get for working with kids. Colds.... I've got a real doozy now. I like that word "doozy." It sounds funny... no, it doesn't remind me of doody although it did just now... DB's thought patterns are rubbing off on me. But it sounds like a little old lady... Nope, changed my mind it sounds like a little old man word. A picture of a porch outside a general store in the country with old men in plaid shirts on rocking chairs nodding their heads hello to whoever goes in to shop. Every so often they re-tell a story that's been told so many times they don't know which one of them it happened to anymore. And in that story preceded by the words, "Boy, that was a" is the word doozy, followed by the words "of a _________"

Doozy, Suzy, Kabloozy, woozy.......... ok, this head cold is really getting to me!!! Like my brain is off one another track. My eyes feel hot... actually it's my eyelids that feel hot.

Enough already, back to the post... what was I writing about anyway? Oh, the fact that I haven't even felt well enough to write the past couple of days and so much has been going on.

But first, I have noticed that after spending time with the children I've been caring for I am sick within 48 hours. DB is eight so Thank G-d, Boruch Hashem, Bli Ayin Horah, poo poo poo... we're past the time when there was maybe one day of reprieve and health before he came home from school with another runny nose, cough, pink eye, etc. I guess I just forgot that I could be susceptible to illness. Hey!!! I'm a mom. We don't get sick, or if we do it doesn't really matter if we are because we're still responsible for taking care of everyone and everything.

Enough about being sick already.... Not really kvetching just surprised to be sick again and it got me thinking. But what doesn't get me thinking?

Have to stop writing I need to go grab another box of tissues and a cup of tea.... btw why is doozy coming up on the spell check?

Sunday, March 18, 2007

About Last Night.....

Last night was supposed to be fun. Shmellen and I had originally made plans to get together. She is a very good friend, and stopped me from just closing down and saying good-bye to Charm. Anyway, with Shmellen's blessing I invited Charm to come along. I figured it's been three months now and it shouldn't be a big deal just to go out with me and one of my friends.

When I asked him to join us he responded with, "What are you going to be doing?" That is not what I wanted to hear. I was kind of taken aback and I said that I wasn't completely sure, but does he want to come out with us. Some background.... Saturday night DB was with his father so I could go out and stay out, and Sunday night Charm already had a commitment to attend a school dinner. If we didn't go out Saturday night it might not happen for awhile depending on when my attorney was going to get the revisions to my papers back to me. This past Wednesday we didn't go out because Charm's daughter was with him. That's the other night I have free because DB sleeps over at his father's. Now Charm and his ex have a reasonable relationship. In fact, they have one of the best ex relationships that I've ever seen. Anyway as far as I know and from previous experience Charm doesn't really have any problems with switching nights that his daughter would be with him. OK, OK... let me cut him a little break.... I did say to him earlier in the week that there was the possibility that DB would be with me Wednesday night, but he never asked if that was going to take place.... and I forgot to tell him.

Back to the main issue.... my feelings were hurt because I asked Charm out and I felt that he was saying to me 1. that meeting my friends isn't as important as what we might do with them 2. that agreeing to go out with me wasn't as important as what we might do.

That hurt. I kept it inside like I always do. Whenever I get hurt I try not to show it and put up a wall instead. But, I pushed myself and two days later brought up the subject. I didn't do it in the best way, but I'm trying and learning. I basically asked him if he was just interested in the sex and if he was that's fine, but let me know. You see, that way I can decide if I wanted to be friends with benefits or just end it. When Charm comes over to see me we just end up having sex... Yes, it's great, amazing, mind-blowing sex, but I guess I need more. It seemed like the only time I saw him we stayed in even if I went to him. Just to clarify he has taken me out and we both have crazy schedules, and he graciously comes to me, he also calls me several times during the day but I felt kind of taken for granted. Anyway... after I floored him by asking him if I should start seeing other people, I finally got out that I was very disappointed in the way he answered me when I asked him to come out with me and Shmellen. It was so freaking hard for me to do that because then I was opening up to him that he could hurt me and that he did. It would've been easier for me to just completely break it off, but how stupid and immature would that be? Charm was absolutely wonderful and understanding and apologized and said "When and where?" Now I was the one that was floored I really thought he wasn't interested in spending time with me unless it was just the two of us and sex was a given. Wow, I didn't have to end a relationship just because my feelings were hurt. It didn't mean that Charm did it on purpose and was trying to mess with my head like stbx used to. I told you that I was new to this dating thing and I need to unlearn some protective behaviours.

Anyway... believe it or not everything worked out. That is until last night. Shmellen wasn't feeling well and Charm's friend who decided to join us changed his mind. It just going to be the two of us. I was still looking forward to seeing him. And then I got the phone call.... "Should I even bother getting dressed...." Now, I got dressed, put on perfume and makeup and I was driving over to Charm's. He had to work today, and I thought it would be easier for him if he didn't have to pick me up, go out, take me home and then drive about a half hour back to his place. Boy, did I feel like I was being used just for sex and that even if this was the only night I could go out and do something fun my feelings didn't really matter. He was just thinking... or maybe he wasn't the one who was doing the thinking....

The door in my chest slammed shut and I started to numb myself to my feelings. My chest got tight and I pretended as if he said nothing wrong... I continued joking around with him.

BUT, before I walked out the door to my place I called him back and pushed myself to tell him that I want to go out. Yes, it was unbelievably difficult for me to do that. Yeah, it's ridiculous, and stupid. There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to go out and it shouldn't be so hard for me to say it. I'm not used to asking and getting things that I ask for in a relationship.

Charm was cool and asked if a movie was ok. Of course, my car was stuck in the ice and by the time I got to him I don't think we would have made it to a movie. We went inside and sat down and just talked a little. He knew I was upset, but I didn't know how to tell him. I was scared to say anything. I just wanted to say goodbye and run away..... Instead some of the emotions inside of me escaped and some tears dripped down my face, but I was still unable to tell him what was going on. While we were on the couch, Charm said, "Are you staying over?" Boy that almost did it. What was I supposed to answer to that?? Was he saying that he wanted me to stay over? Was he going to say that if I wanted to stay over it wouldn't really work because he had to get to work early? Brave me I came right out and asked him what kind of question was that? Was it an invitation? He said yes. If he had been thinking about me staying over why didn't he mention something before I left my place so I could bring some things I might need. UGH!!! I know I'm expecting him to read my mind, to know what I want,

I accepted the invite, but I couldn't sleep. Thoughts about what had happened the past week... the "I think I'm in love with you", and the fact that he doesn't tell me I'm pretty, and all the other stuff that just took place. NO!!!! I'm not pmsing!!! So at about 5 a.m. I started thinking that I wanted to cut out, and by sixish I finally got up the courage to get my clothes. I was being soooo very quiet, but Charm woke up. How was I going to explain to him that I was very sensitive and it felt like my feelings were being ignored or trampled on and I just needed to leave. Instead he asked me to come back to bed. I laid down with him and he wanted to have sex again. I just wanted to be held and protected and told that I was pretty. BUT I still can't tell him these things face to face. I tried to get him to go back to sleep. That he had an early day and work, and the two other obligations. He really didn't want me to leave. So I stayed. Finally got some sleep and was having a crazy dream about Charm and an ex-girlfriend of his that he was buying a book for when he woke me up.

As we were walking out the door this morning Charm said "I hope that it wasn't me last night." He meant about the tears. How could I tell him especially right then and there when he needed to get to work. He then said that "Guys always think that they are the one who caused the tears and that they just don't know what they did." He's right. It's not fair to him if I don't tell him how something bothers me and instead I just close down and get ready to run for the door and the next guy. That's kind of what I used to do. As soon as I felt myself feeling something for a guy, if he was getting to close, I'd start to step back. I wouldn't really break up because, hey, that would mean opening up my feelings to someone else. Hell, it would mean that I was acknowledging the fact that I had feelings. Instead I would let the relationship drift to friendship. I was already starting to get the next guy lined up. I replied to some people on Frumster, and now I'm going to let them know that I'm not available, but if anything changes in the future I'll contact them. The people I replied to were not the psychos who were proposing marriage in their first message to me. They were good guys, but so is Charm. I'm going to try and give him a fair chance.

I am very proud of myself. This morning I called Charm and told him that I want to go out more often. That I don't really get the chance to go out and when it's available I don't want to miss it. I kind of explained that I am stuck at home except for Wed. night and some Sat. and Sun. nights if I'm not working. He can get out. Just the fact that he can choose to come over to see me makes me envy him. I can't afford a babysitter, and don't really have any relatives up here in Oz to watch DB. If I did, I would be back in school in a flash. I soooo very much miss signing (ASL, American Sign Language), and I want to become an accredited interpreter. I also miss the friendships that I make in school. The adult companionship.

I also told Charm that I would really like it if he would tell me I'm pretty. I acknowledged the fact that he tells me I look nice, but he's looking at my clothes when he says that. I told him that even if he didn't mean it to say it anyway.

He started joking around (but there's always a little truth in a joke) about me trying to leave in the middle of the night. "Isn't the guy supposed to do that? Were you even going to leave me a note?" Maybe he was trying to tell me that it what I was doing was hurting him? I guess, I'm thinking that I'm the only vulnerable one in the relationship.

All of what has gone on this past week makes me hear my mother's voice in my head, "just because you would do something or treat some one that way does not mean that other people do. You can't expect that they will do that." Then I add my own voice and say "They can't read my mind."

You might think after reading this post that Charm could do nothing right, and that we didn't have a good time together at all this week. You would be wrong. I don't think I would have bothered pushing myself so hard if I didn't know how much fun Charm and I can and do have together. Worst case scenario, I've learned that being honest about what I want and feel and showing Charm or someone else my tears isn't going to make me melt away.....

I feel so much better now that I've gotten this out of my system. My fingers and brain were aching to get this on paper. I never realized how much I missed writing and how writing helps me think things through. I'm not even going to read this over. It's going out as is... as it came out of my head and heart.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

I Said It... Sort Of

I'm sooooo stupid. I let sex and a lack of sleep open up my mouth. I told Charm "I think I'm falling in love with you." I was only able to get a half hour of sleep during the past 24 and I get more emotional whenever I'm extremely tired. It kind of put him on the spot and I feel really bad about it.

I hope I'm not confusing sex with love. I don't know..... Charm is really the first guy that I've gone out with in the past 13 years. Do I feel this way for him because of the way he treats me, or because of the way I feel when I'm with him? What exactly does love feel like? I don't think I ever really felt it for the stbx. I know that I had crushes or infatuations when I was younger, but what is real love? How do I know if what I'm feeling isn't just the glow after sex? What I'm really afraid of is that the reason I think I might be in love with him is because of how he treats me. Am I being taken in again? Am I just jumping into the arms of the first nice guy I meet to only find out later that he's a mean controlling person? I don't think so. Charm is too good a guy.

I feel very vulnerable right now and stuuuupid. What did I do? Did I ruin a perfectly good friendship with benefits? Is that the way he views it? Maybe I'm seeing more in this relationship than really exits? Am I exaggerating?

What did I do?!?!?!? I would take it back if I could. See, I shouldn't be dating yet!!! I don't know how to play games and I don't want to. A part of me just wants to shut down and stop seeing him. Instead I'll go to sleep hoping that this is all one of my very vivid dreams, and I'll wake up thinking clearer.

Monday, March 12, 2007

Just Very Busy

I'm a little annoyed I wrote this post before I left Kansas and completely lost it on the computer at my mom's. This is what I remembered.

I haven't written lately because I've been so busy. Here's a synopsis of what's been going on this past week....

DB and I went to Kansas for Purim late Sat. night and had a blast. We saw friends and family and I couldn't stop smiling and laughing... even without alcohol. Then drove back to Oz late Sunday night. Saw Charm Monday.... I was looking forward to his visit even though I was exhausted and had seen him on Friday. The next day was spent taking care of a beautiful 4 year old little boy with dark hair and a bowl cut. His brown eyes and dimple on his left cheek make him hard to resist. Even though he 's low on the autistic spectrum, I'm exhausted after spending a few hours with him. That probably comes from chasing him around in circles through the kitchen, dining room and living room while I'm pushing a toy lawnmower. Definitely a sight to see, but worth it when he falls on the floor giggling. When I ask him whether he thinks I like him a little or a lot. He responds with "A LOT!" and he's absolutely right.

That night I got very sick and couldn't function for a couple of days. I found out later that there was this neurovirus (don't know if that's the correct spelling) going around Jersey. I finally felt well enough to go back down to Kansas for Shabbos. I gave a little old man a ride to shul and then passed out before hearing kiddush. Probably still recuperating...

Today I visited this amazing, fantastic, caring school. It is most definitely the right place for DB. I just hope and pray that we will be able to relocate. The grounds are near a stable and the kids ride and groom the horses. There's a pond (frogs included) a zip line and rock wall to climb. It looks like so much fun. I want to go. AND they are taught all the basics and don't proceed to a new skill until the first one is completely mastered. All the therapies are included and the ratio is 1:5, but most of the time 1:2. Wow!

Tonight or rather last night since it's almost 6 a.m. I drove back to Oz again. I had to pack up the car, the cat, and the kid. I know I'm going to be feeling it later this week, but I really needed the caffeine and once I got in I couldn't go to sleep. I'm sure that within the next two weeks I will have little time to sleep. Hopefully some of that will be because I will spend some time with Charm. Can't get enough of the man......

I'll write more later... I have several posts that I am in the middle of and I want to respond to some that people have written. I might do that now or maybe I'll just workout. Who am I kidding?

Thursday, March 1, 2007

My List

I have a list. I've never written it down until now. I was talking to Charm about skydiving.... don't really remember why.... anyway, I mentioned that it was something that I've always wanted to do. The topic pops up in conversation now as "my list."

I thought it was finally time to write it down

backpack through Eretz Yisrael
Sky diving... I would like to do it enough times so that I would be able to do somersaults while hurtling towards the ground.
go into outer space... which includes setting foot on the moon and mars... that's the science fiction fan in me
scuba diving
learn to surf
heli-skiing on virgin powder

go skiing at least one day of every month for a full year. That means traveling south to Chile maybe.

learn to snowboard and do jumps
finally become certified as an interpreter for ASL (American Sign Language)
go to Africa on safari
whale watching
learn to fly a plane
write a children's book that I've had in my head for forever
learn how to jump on a horse
fly in a hot air balloon
learn how to draw
learn how to paint
learn how to ride a motorcycle (don't tell my mom or son)
learn to sail and then spend a couple of weeks on board visiting different islands in a warm climate.

go down rapids
finally cut my hair to give to locks of love... Charm loves it but it drives me bonkers with the knots etc.
go to the North Pole
ride on a dog sled
walk under an elephant
go to the South Pole

see the play Oklahoma in Oklahoma City. It's the state song and everyone in the theatre stands up and joins in when it's sung.
participate in an archaeological dig in Eretz Yisrael.
participate in a a paleontological dig with DB and he discovers a new dinosaur.
become proficient in playing the piano
see the sun rise over the Atlantic Ocean
see the sun set over the Pacific Ocean
learn how to dance with my husband... ballroom dancing etc....
see the snow on Mt. Kilimanjaro before it melts

move to Kansas
get married
have more children and a beautiful loving family

but probably number one on the list would be to make a lot of money so that I could see my brother and his family in Eretz Yisrael and have a home there. I also want to be able to help people in need. I know how it feels to be in that situation and I would love to be able to give back some of what's been given to me.

Please feel free to write me more things I should add to the list.... I better start now it looks like I'm going to be pretty busy.