Wednesday, October 31, 2007

A Bonus OR Mitzvah Goreres Mitzvah (One Good Deed Follows Another)

I had been meaning to write about this for quite some time, but never got around to it. Walking around yesterday, doing errands, and dealing with people reminded me of it. I love the way most people turn beautiful when they smile; a real smile that reaches their eyes, that is. Someone who looks unapproachable or just not pleasant automatically becomes accessible as soon as their lips turn upward.

I smile at everyone, well, almost everyone. It's who I am. At one point in my life it was extremely difficult to look people in the eye, even more so if they were strangers. Since I've made it past that point, I enjoy the ability to look and interact with people. It doesn't matter what they're wearing or if they are standing behind a counter ringing up a sale. I even smile at the homeless and down on their luck. They're people too and probably appreciate the smile more because they don't get that kind interaction that often.

So here are two stories about the homeless. First the background. I don't have that much money, and I've dealt with addicts so I do not give cash or checks to people. I do, however, make sure to carry food with me, in the car, in my pocketbook, or in my pocket. Usually it's whatever DB is taking to schools for snacks that week, fruit rolls, pretzels, and if it's cool out I will keep apples in the car. I eat them too when I get hungry.

There are usually homeless people near off ramps of the major highways, and I ask them first before I hand them food. Just because they're poor doesn't mean that they aren't picky. Then I give them the food and, "Have a nice day, Sir." Why not? Hashem made them too. They deserve respect if only for that reason. Usually after they hear that they give an even bigger smile and stand a little straighter. Yes, I do this for selfish reasons. It makes me feel good to make other people feel good. It always eats at my heart to see someone living on the street. I know how easy it actually is to get there. No, I've never been homeless, but in housing court and possibly evicted without somewhere to go comes darn close.

I was leaving Shmellen's apt. in the city and a man was holding a cup with change and jingling it. He was dressed in clean clothes and didn't really look like he needed it, but who's to say he didn't have a chance to shower and get some new clothes from a shelter. It just so happened that I didn't have food in my pocketbook. The sun had just set. The lights were coming on in the city and the street vendors were packing up.

I asked the gentleman if he would like a banana or two from the fruit cart. He immediately answered yes and I realized that maybe he would like something instead of a banana. Maybe he doesn't like them. I found out that he prefers peaches and I asked for two of them. The man who obviously owned the business instructed his employee to take from a certain box, and I could tell that those were the good peaches.

Once again, I wasn't thinking and I started to hand the peaches to the gentleman. The employee asked him if he would like them in a bag, and the answer was yes. Duh, CR. The owner who had continued packing up added two plums to the bag free of charge without letting the homeless man see. I noticed and made sure to thank him after the gentleman walked away. He tried to shrug it off, but I made sure he knew that it was something good that he did. I gave him a big smile too. He smiled back, and you could see that giving the extra fruit had made him feel good. From the way he acted it looked like he might do that in the future.

As my mother says I got "a bonus"; the appreciation from the gentleman, the extra fruit and the smile from the owner.

I'll write the other story later...

Sunday, October 28, 2007


What a beautiful morning!

btw-it's a link... click on it

Can't Get Enough

I don't know if other people experience this, but when I'm with a good friend we could talk for hours about nothing and everything. I stopped by True Blue's (TB) house on Friday. Yup, it looks like she's stuck with those initials. I wanted to drop off some lipstick I bought for her quite awhile back. On my way over I asked her if she might have something I could borrow to wear to a wedding. I stopped at Dunkin' Donuts to pick up a hot chocolate for her and by the time I got to her house there were 2 dresses hanging from her bedroom door, 5 skirts on the bed, and two sweaters with them. After trying on a couple of things she and I decided that I should wear the skirt and sweater.

Even though she works from home on Friday, she's still insanely busy, but we started to talk. Once we get started it's hard to stop us. We both have busy lives, and when we have the chance to catch up we grab it. We started talking about the kids, jobs, my dating, her pregnancy, and anything else that came to mind. If not for Shabbos coming and her job we would've gone on for at least two more hours. As it was if felt like the hours we spent flew by.

I have to say that she is such a wonderful sweet person. But most certainly not sickly sweet. I admire her tremendously, and sometimes wish I were more like her. I hope that when I move from Oz if I can't make it to Kansas I'll at least be able to live near her. That would mean that I wouldn't nap on Shabbos afternoon, but I wouldn't complain one bit about it.

Friday, October 26, 2007


How do you tell if someone is your friend or more? Is it in the flirting and innuendos? The frequent phone calls? The caring heard in their voice? Obviously I'm confused about where I stand. Is he interested in being friends, being friends with benefits or dating? And how can I tell which one it is?

For me I have to be friends with someone before I date them or have sex with them. Both are intimate connections that must have some sort of foundation to build on, but sometimes it's difficult for me to tell if or where things are going. My own emotions or wishes of what could be color his actions, and end up confusing me. I'm trying to figure out where I stand.

Yes, I know I should just come out and ask, but that can sometimes affect the friendship if that is all that is there. He starts to worry that you're going to fall in love and begins to watch what he says. The ease and openness of the relationship changes to a stilted back and forth. Both of us trying not to say something that would cause the other to possibly misconstrue our feelings.

And what if he is wondering the same things?

Monday, October 22, 2007

Lucky Duck

I was told this past Shabbos that I'm not who I appear to be or rather my blogger persona, and my Frumster persona; neither of which match my voice on the phone and me in person. I'm not as serious or as down as I sound on my blog. In fact, I love to laugh and smile too. Sometimes I smile so much my cheeks start to hurt. And no, I am not making that up.

You guys get me at my most emotional. You get me when I can't figure things out. It's just a shame you don't get me when I'm playing basketball with DB. It's hard to dribble when you can't stop giggling.

The person who told me this is a new friend. I met her through my blog. Hmmmm what should I call her? Well, let me describe her and maybe I'll get something from that. She totally "gets" me, and we couldn't shut up the first time we spoke. Hey! She'll be GF for Girl Friend. Which reminds me I owe someone a phone call, you know who you are. I hope you can talk tonight.

Back to the post and friends. I feel so lucky to have "met" you guys. Yes, YOU! Even if some of you are weird. That's probably why I like you. I hope you don't take offense. I mean it in the best of ways. And I hope that we don't meet. I don't want to have to watch what I write, not that I think it would change too much. You've already seen me at my... can't think of the word I want. It's not, worst or most open. It's just that you've seen me as most people in my life don't.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Everything Is Going To Be Alright

When I was little (and not so little) my mother used to sing a song to me. She would only sing it when she was holding me and rocking me back and forth while tears were dripping down my face. I sing this song to DB when he's crying, and it calms him down. I hold him in my arms and rock him.

Everything is gonna be alright
alright, alright
Every little thing is going to be alright

My mother told me something that really touched me. She said that she used to sing that song to make herself feel better while she held me or my brother and was comforting us. I completely understand.

My heart aches when DB cries. I'm not talking about the crying because of scraped hands or that his lego creation broke. I'm also not referring to the fake tears he sheds (very rarely) when he can't get some new Yugioh cards or the like. The crying I'm referring to is sobbing, break your heart frustration, hurting, help me mommy, tears. These are usually the ones you can do nothing about except to hold your child, and in your heart ask Hashem to take away his pain.

I find it difficult not to cry when I sing DB the song my mother sang to me. I sing it not just as a comfort to him. It's a prayer that I am saying asking for everything to be all right for my child, and to make his life better.

I have tears in my eyes slowly dripping onto my cheeks while I write this, and it's hard for me to swallow. Sometimes my throat catches when I sing this to DB. I think of my mother and my son.

I went through some very difficult times as a child and teenager. Now I know what it feels like from the mother's side, and I can still remember what it felt like as a child.

This post is not a sad one even though it's about pain and tears. It's about comfort and love. It's about relief and knowing that everything will be "alright." I can hear my mother's voice singing it to me right now.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Band Aids And Thread OR A Work In Progress

Is a good marriage just an oxymoron?
Is a marriage just an acceptance of disappointment?

How come romantic movies always
end at beginnings,
first kisses,
or the start of a relationship?

Shaped by worn tools of prejudices
molded into sculptures of marble lovers
stone cold
beating hearts stilled and
cemented onto broken dreams.

Is it possible to get joy out of life without tears?
Perhaps the ache is better than boredom and dissatisfaction.

Dreaming of others' lives
wishing for their's in hope that life has more to offer
and at least some have grabbed hold of the golden apple.

Is there truly acceptance, love, comfort showered from open arms
and minds
willing to understand the anger and pain
or instead only reminded of their own salted wounds

Is fulfillment found in arms
more than what is predestined?

ignoring the loss and moving forward
drawn by magnets of hope
into doors of shining eyes

gazing up at a heaven filled with gods
put there by men's imagination
followed through seas and travels for treasure

yearning for something to fill the black hole that burns within
pearls and colored gems fill the void but for a moment
and the expansiveness grows in the empty souls

Words written by lonely hearts and tears twinkling
in an empty face fuzzed by clouds in my mind.

Wishing for a different life... that may not be better.
longing to live in fiction of heroes and strength.

closing off hiding my soul and the hurt covered with smiles and laughter smothered for appearances sake. aaaah does my soul ache? do I wish for a rescue? I long to repair

a child sitting a mother's bed crying for the world
hunger and war.
the pain did not start there I remember years before.
battling children in a line trying to beat my joy, hope and life.
No tears from my eyes
as they were comforted by teacher's hugs
my skin toughened by their taunts

friendly books
young wishing
for love without the knowledge of it
the emptiness grew until it swallowed me whole.

drawn out of it's depths by resolve and
laughter floating me past
thorns reaching alive with their grasp
yanking tugging ripping the life and joy
out of my eyes
dulling them with disappointment of past loves.

chained to mountains of emptiness.
ripped open by

I can't remember why I called this poem Band Aids And Thread. I know why band aids, but not thread. It also appears that it is a couple of poems.... I need to work on it, but I also want it posted. So you guys can see the transformation of words into my feelings and imagination.

I wrote this in mid-August and have edited some of it.... more to come

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Love And Acceptance

Rafi G has a beautiful post about Rabbi Grossman. Now, this is a Rav that I respect tremendously. Accepting someone exactly where they are at with love, while helping them move forward is an amazing ability. What a kiddush Hashem!

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Yes Chaim, There Is No Tooth Fairy


As you all know, I have a beautiful, bright, little boy. DB asked me about the birds and the bees a year ago. Jack recently wrote about his experience with telling his son about sex. It seems that every child says, "EEEEEW." DB continued with "You did that with Daddy?!?!?!"

Let me be clear I did not bring up the subject. DB asked as I was putting him to bed one night. That's when I get most of the questions that take longer than five minutes to answer; be they existential, involving world peace, about divorce or sex. I thought (and hoped) that he would just accept a one sentence answer to his question, " How did Aunt_____ have a baby?" As the experts advise, you should only answer the exact question asked. Don't volunteer information because if the child wants to know more they will ask more.

So I responded with, "The baby was inside her the way you were inside of Mommy and then the baby came out." I didn't expect DB to continue with his questioning. "Did the baby come out like me?" "Nope, the doctors had to open Mommy up and take you out. You were stuck."

Then DB's wonderful reasoning processes took over. "So how did the baby get out of Aunt ____?" I believe in using correct names for the parts of the body with DB because I want him to be able to be comfortable talking to his doctors and wife when he grows up. I know a lot of married friends have major issues with talking to their husbands and vice versa.

When I gave DB the answer, his eyes grew wide. "Really?!?!" "Yes, that's how Hashem makes it happen," is what I responded. He kept going, "How did the baby get there?"

I knew we were getting closer and closer to the real stuff. I talked to myself and said, "Just answer him without hesitating or being embarrassed. The way you answer now will set the precedence for all future sex talks. It's obvious that he feels comfortable asking you instead of his father. He trusts you to tell him the truth. Don't betray that. You don't want him going to his friends to find out that 'you can't get a girl pregnant the first time, etc...' ."

I took a deep breath and only answered his specific question, "There's an egg and a sperm. They meet inside the mommy, join, and a baby starts to grow." He was quiet for a moment and I thought I was out of the woods. BUT THEN, "How does the sperm and egg get there?" "The egg is in the mommy and the sperm comes from the daddy." I was trying my best to hold him off, but it was futile.

Then DB asked the all important, "How does the sperm get inside the mommy?" I answered with exact terms. And after he asked a couple more questions I got the "eeeew" response.

"Do animals do that when they mate?" DB's an animal freak and if he has a choice would watch Animal Planet or The Discovery Channel all day. It would follow that he would ask that question.

He then proceeded to ask me the same questions several more times. I think it was for the sake of trying to trip me up because he didn't quite believe me. Then he said "I can't wait to tell cousin #1 and cousin #2 how they got their baby." OMG!!!!

Hashem was definitely with me on this one. My brain was in shock and most definitely couldn't think fast enough for this answer, "Sex involves private parts that you don't show anyone so you don't talk about them with other people because it's private. Not to your cousins, and most certainly not to your friends at school. Their parents will explain it to them the way I did for you."

No, I'm not that naive to think that DB will never talk about sex with "the guys." It's just not appropriate for him to do so now. Plus, I don't feel like receiving irate phone calls from twenty parents.

I repeated myself a bunch of times until I was sure that he understood completely. I explained that he wasn't supposed to tell children about sex the same way he wasn't supposed to tell them that there really wasn't a tooth fairy.

When DB got his first loose tooth at the early age of five. I excitedly informed him that when it fell out of his mouth he would put it under his pillow and in the morning he would find some money from the Tooth Fairy.

"Nuh uh, Mommy. There is no such thing as the Tooth Fairy." I couldn't believe he said that. I tried to feel him out in case he was testing me and I asked him if someone told him that or if he heard some big kids saying it. He told me no and I said to him that of course there is a tooth fairy. He adamantly responded, "NO! There isn't."

The time came for me to ask how he knew there wasn't one if that was really the case. "Becuz fairies only exist in 'chanted (enchanted) gardens and there's no such thing as 'chanted gardens."

I started coughing to hide my laughter. This kid was unbelievable! "OK DB, then who puts the money under the pillow?" He rolled his eyes at me (first time that took place) and answered "parents do," in a tone that said "just how dumb do you thing I am?"

This took place while we were driving to school. We had this conversation through the rearview mirror. We were nearly there, and I had to make sure that he didn't ruin this for any other children. I emphatically said that just because he figured it out did not mean that he was allowed to tell any of his friends. They would figure it out for themselves when they started losing their teeth. "I know, Mom," once again with that same tone and rolling eyes.

Back to the reason for this post, What do you men or women plan on telling your sons or have told your sons about masturbation? The day after DB and I had the sex talk I went out and got two good books.

How You Were Born by Joanna Cole (a reading rainbow book) no mentioning of how the sperm and egg get together, and What's The Big Secret? Talking About Sex With Girls And Boys by Laurie Krasny Brown and Marc Brown of Arthur fame. This book is more explicit, but also deals with good and bad touches. The thing is it brought up masturbation. I kinda skipped over that part 'cause I wasn't sure how to deal with it.

Personally, I don't think that it's wrong in anyway, and I don't want DB to grow up feeling guilty for doing it. I believe that would just lead to him thinking that his body and sexuality is not beautiful. I want him to feel comfortable in his skin and not to feel ashamed for thoughts or actions that cannot be prevented. I also want him to have a happy and fulfilling marriage and sex life.

There are so many posts out there that deal with being shomer negiah, sex, the singles crisis (XGH, PL, Curlygirl), but I haven't really found that many about masturbation I want to know how you other OJ's whether MO's, RWOJ's or even Chassidish people plan on telling your sons when they ask and are of age? Do you also believe that it is wrong for girls to masturbate and why?

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Bad And Good

OK, I have a tremendous amount to write about. Most of it is good stuff and even the bad stuff can eventually turn into some good. It's just getting through it that's miserable. Of course, it involves DB and school. How many of you out there think that 2 hours of homework is acceptable for someone not yet in 7th grade. Do you even think that 2 hours of work is reasonable for a 7th grader? I believe that it's completely ridiculous. When does a child have a chance to be a child?

I can't stand it when DB is crying for two hours while doing his homework that he is not even capable of doing. They are setting him up to fail. I have to hold in my tears until he goes to sleep. The ones I shed are sorrow for his pain and anger against a system that makes me unable to care for my child properly.

I know it will work out in the end. I just have to get us both there in one piece and with the ability to move forward and forget.

Now for the very good stuff....

I had a GREAT b-day!! I took DB and we went to see Mary Poppins on Broadway. His first show. I had been saving up for it for about a year so that we could get good seats. What would be the use in paying for bad ones. So we sat center orchestra. It was amazing. Just the two of us heading into Midtown for fun. It was Erev Succos so he didn't have school and we went to a matinee. I ended up getting discount tickets and then had a code so they cost even less. YAY!!

The show was amazing, but I spent half of it watching DB's reactions. He was laughing out loud, singing along under his breath, and moving his feet to Step In Time (his favorite part). My cheeks hurt from smiling so much. When we left DB was trying to figure out what show we should start saving up for next.

What a fantastic time and wonderful day. The sun was out. We were relaxed and enjoying our time together without worrying about anything else. Plus I was wearing my new "ring" DB had made for me out of hot pink colored wire. He felt bad that he didn't have a present for me so he made the ring. Of course it means more to me than any present he could've bought. Oy, I just love that munch sooooo much.

And now on to dating or not.....

I've found out a lot of info about BGB, and I've liked all of it. He's an amazing man, and his profile says that he might be willing to relocate, but that could just mean anywhere in or near Oz. Yes, I asked him even though we were just flirting. I think I'm starting to learn that I should ask that of every guy so that way I know whether or not to allow myself to feel something for him. I wanted to make sure that before I got to that point I would know where I stand. I think it took him by surprise as if I thought things were up to a certain point. Y'all know how I've messed up by dating Bud when he wasn't able to relocate, and then when Man's profile said he was willing, but it turned out otherwise. The same thing with Blondie. I understand about the pulling back, and I was doing a little bit of it myself.

So if I start to feel something for BGB I don't want to have to stamp on my emotions again. I am doing the smart thing and trying to protect myself. I just needed to know one way or the other. Then I can adjust the way I view him if necessary. Otherwise I will be hanging in limbo along with possibilities. Ugh! I've been in it long enough with the divorce and having to wait for someone else to make decisions about my life. If there's some way to prevent it from taking place with regard to something, ANYTHING; I will do it... even if it means the guy thinks I'm jumping the gun and moving too fast. I wish I didn't get all the info about him it just showed me what an incredible person he is; caring, kind, so true to his beliefs, honest, and romantic.

But the fact is he might have an issue dating divorced women with children. He also has a type of woman he can see himself with, and I don't really fit there either. It's kind of funny because I'm not sure if I would/will date him. So why would I go out with someone when I already have two strikes against me. I just wanted to be clear (for myself) so that if the flirting led anywhere I would know from the very beginning.

He wrote back jokingly that he didn't even know we were dating, and that he's not sure if he wants to. He's quite aware of the fact that I won't fool around with someone I would date for tachlis, and he doesn't know if he wants that to be the case.

It's just that if someone has possibilities I need to know if I feel something for him without any extra attachments added because of being intimate. It doesn't mean that I would never fool around with someone I'm dating, but I just need to know what my feelings are before getting physical.

more to say but it will have to wait

Monday, October 8, 2007

Reading And Writing

Reading has always made me want to write. Reading books that I love and words that draw the emotions from me make me want to write well. I've always loved to write even when I hated it i.e. reports for school. I knew how to make it fit and blend; the rhythm and cadence of words turning into thoughts, into pictures of the mind or soul. I feel like I'm stretching reaching out with my heart and forcing my brain to explain my reasons or feelings.

Obviously, I am in the middle of reading a wonderful book. The bittersweet kind about love and how even when it's lost there is always more to take its place... to fill the emptiness and hurt with tearful smiles.

But that's not the only kind of book I read. Science fiction is one of my favorites. My mother started me on it when I had finished reading most of what the library had to offer me. I was able to read and understand her books, but she felt that it wasn't appropriate for me. Meaning that there was sex in them there pages. Little did she know that a tremendous amount of Science Fiction is written by horny men. I got an education at an early age. I was only 10.

She started me off on Heinlein and from there I found my own way. Anthony, Asimov, L'Engle, Simak, Silverberg, LeGuin, Wells, Bradbury, Vinge were the ones I read in the beginning. Then I found the anthologies, stories that were Nebula winners, Asimov's Magazine, and I discovered new authors and read whatever I could get a hold of. Needless to say I have quite an extensive library, but I still haven't even read all the books on my list. I haven't finished reading Clarke, Ellison , Dick, Cherryh, but there's still time.

Those stories and books made all beings (people, animals and aliens) equal and everything, and anything seem possible. That anything is attainable if you can just figure out a way to make it work. Maybe that's why I don't give up when things get really rough.

Then I realized that these weren't just dreamers. These writers had created real worlds with sociological, and political implications with result to their dreams of science. My mind expanded again. Reading the classics in high school had so much more meaning to me now. I could also see similar storylines and plots but with different characters and endings.

My fingers itched to get everything down on paper, but as soon as I did I would rip it up and throw it out. I used to write letters to my favorite authors in my mind. Almost ready to send them I would then see that my writing was just a bad imitation of theirs. But how I wanted them to know what their words meant to me.

I actually had the opportunity to personally let an author know and I let it pass me by. I was with a friend (no longer) in Oz shopping for material so that I could be a bridesmaid in her wedding. Somewhere around the W. 30's and most of the stores were closed for the day. Maybe it was past five or on a weekend. It was summer still light out and hot. The block we were walking down was not shadowed by the walls of tall buildings. Just the two of us, and then passing right by... I could have (and should have) reached out my hand to touch him.

I couldn't speak for a few seconds. I stopped, and watched him move farther away. Finally out it came in one breath and a rush of words, "Doyouknowwhothatwas?" It didn't even register with my friend that someone had even passed us. "THAT'S KURT VONNEGUT!" Her response was, "Who?" At that point I should have realized that our friendship wasn't bound to last. Oh, how I wanted to run after him and gush my praises for his writing over his hunched frame suffocating him with my admiration. How many times had I read and re-read his books.

But I didn't. I let the opportunity pass. I was a different person then. Shy, timid, unsure of myself. Yeah, yeah I know, but it took me a very long time and A LOT of hard work to leave that CR behind.

When I discovered blogging it was like I was set free. No one really knew who I was and I could/can write whatever I want, and get feedback. I revel in it. It's freedom. I might just have to say that I've come to crave it... the sound of my fingers on the keys releasing tensions, thoughts, feelings. It comes close, but not as good as sex.

You really didn't think that I would post without mentioning my favorite three letter word.

btw-The Jazz Man invited me (ok, along with a lot of others) to hear him play Sat. night, but I was in Kansas. He's also playing this coming Thurs. night at Small's. Great music. I just wish I could go hear him.

Sunday, October 7, 2007

Flirting Is Fun

...and I've been doing a lot of it.

I like boys, men, guys. You get it. I like people of the opposite sex. I enjoy them. The way they think, talk, laugh, and of course feel.

There's someone new that I've been enjoying. No, silly. Not in that way. We've been corresponding. That's how things have been starting for me lately which also includes him reading my blog. He knew that I would be writing about him and even helped me come up with his name. BGB-Bad Good Boy. It fits. He's a good guy with some of the exciting, passionate, sexy, bad boy about him.

He figured out who I was on Frumster, and I wasn't sure how I felt about that at first. But I feel comfortable with it now. I'm not sure if we'll progress any further than flirting, but I'll keep y'all posted.

You are probably wondering what happened to Blondie. Nothing really. Still like him and find him attractive it's just that he isn't able to relocate. I was crushing on him... hard, and trying not to. It helped that I was in niddah and we didn't get together for awhile. Plus with yontif we haven't had that much time to talk. I did kinda ask him out for next Sat. night, but he's got a lot on his plate and wasn't able to commit to it. I understand, but my free nights are few and far between so I like to make sure that I can enjoy them if possible.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Tears and Laughter

I'm an emotional person. No duh, CR. What I mean is that I don't cry at the drop of a hat, but when I do I actually experience the sadness. OK, this is not making sense. What I'm trying to say is that I feel my feelings. How's that one? Yeah, yeah, just as bad. Maybe the point I'm trying to get across is that I don't need to dwell...

Anyway, today I went for a little ride down the hill of tears and then up to the clouds of giggles. Of course, Bud happened to call when I was just starting to cry. I feel bad for guys when a girl starts to cry. They just don't know what to do or what to say. Well, not all of them. It's just that you can hear their discomfort in the silence while you sob. Bud dealt with it pretty well. He let me talk, then sniffle, talk some more, really start to sob, laugh, then talk some more. That's all a woman really wants when she's feeling down. At least, that's what I want, plus a hug if possible. Not someone to solve my problems just someone to listen.

Now about that laughing in the middle of crying part... by now, you guys know that I'm weird, strange, unusual or whatever word you'd like to use to describe me. A small part of of this eccentricity is my tendency or ability to laugh when I cry. I think it's because I really don't like to be sad and if I can find some absurdity about my situation then I'll laugh at it. I might start crying again, but I would much rather be happy than have tears sliding down my cheeks.

Bud didn't have to deal with my tears for long and when we spoke later tonight I was happy and life was back in perspective again. It's taken me such a long time to learn how to let things go and move on. What would have taken a week or two several years ago only takes 1/2 hour now.

And of course, since DB was with me I really couldn't be sad for long. The tears ended (DB is never privy to them) and we had a pizza party in the succa. Then we went bowling with Saba. I WON! I got a strike on top of a spare, and then I did a little dance down the lane (enough to embarrass DB). He wasn't too shy to show us a few of his moves when he managed to get all ten pins down. Gotta love the boy, he shakes his tush just like his mom.

On the way home Saba started talking about his Polaroid lenses on his new sunglasses. DB and I were giggling and then broke into full out laughter. Finally Saba realized that his new glasses are polarized, and by then he was cracking up too.

It all works out in the end.

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Smilin' Again

In Kansas with the darlin' boy and all's well with the world.

yeah, yeah, how easy I forget.... a perk of getting older??

Monday, October 1, 2007


I miss my boy. He's with his dad and I haven't seen him since Wednesday, and only got to speak with him for about 1 minute today. My heart aches.... It's not like I could go by and give him a hug or blow him a kiss and see his smile. It hurts, and I'm trying to find something to occupy my mind. I did keep busy over yontif and today, but it's hard at night, at home, without him.

I called Blondie, but he's busy getting his kids things ready for tomorrow, and didn't want to talk on the phone. That's cool... he doesn't really like talking on the phone anyway. You can hear it in his voice, and I was going to ask if I could come over, and hang but it didn't sound like he would've said yes. I tried to get a hold of Bud but wasn't able to reach him. Mamasita is sleeping and True Blue is tired (I found out she's pregnant too). Shmellen is also worn out we spent most of the day going to and from Brooklyn getting her baby stuff from her friends. Sooo...

I guess it's hard because all I saw over the past four/five days were families. It just reminds me of DB. Whatever... I'll live it's just that I wish...