Again

When did things get so intense?

I just spent awhile going through some old letters, and started remembering how much fun I had/have with you. It made me smile and laugh. I relaxed while thinking about you doing and saying silly things.

Sometimes you just need to enjoy each other's company. And that's me talking to myself. I know you are well aware of this and have been trying to knock it into my head.

I like you and spending time with you. That's it.



btw-Don't even try and think that you knew I would do this!!!! You sooooooo didn't.

Never Argue With A Woman

One morning the husband returns the boat to the cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies (thinking, "isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know, you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the Game Warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know, you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day, Ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.


hat tip: Doll

Summer Nights

It's warm out tonight. The sky isn't that dark yet. It's all blue, a light sky color, to royal, to a deep midnight blue. It's part of my favorite time of night. I love the color blue. The stars are out and I recognize Orion in the familiar place it takes in the summer sky at this time of year.

I used to have a hammock, and in the warm weather instead of sitting on the glider in DB's room and reading his bedtime stories, he would lie cuddled next to me on it under the stars with the three books chosen for that night. When it was really warm out we would go out with his hair still wet from his bath and it would keep us both cool. Once or twice he fell asleep while we did this, and I just stayed there for an hour or two looking up at the stars feeling content that my darlin' boy was peaceful and next to me.

I hadn't thought about this for awhile. DB is bigger now. He doesn't fit that well on my lap when I'm on the glider so we read in his bed. The stories are also different; The Count of Monte Cristo, The Last Of The Mohicans, but Dr. Seuss hasn't left the group quite yet, although Green Eggs And Ham, and Hop On Pop have.

I know that if DB weren't dyslexic I wouldn't be reading him any bedtime stories at all. That's about the only good thing that I can see in him being dyslexic. There are times now when he wants to "read" something on his own, and the occasions that I sing to him our repertoire of lullabies are also decreasing.

He's growing up... beautifully. I remember the day I walked into his room in the morning and he was standing up for the first time holding onto the crib rails with a big grin of accomplishment on his face. It took me all of a minute to grab my camera and record it for posterity, but I didn't really need to. Closing my eyes, I can still see that sweet face smiling at me.

His manners are also improving. I wrote improving, after all he is a boy and a child, but yesterday I didn't need to remind him to hold open the door for Bubbi and to say thank you. We stopped in a gallery and DB stood talking to the owner about Chagall, texture and color and how he paints. He is so grown up for a little munch, but the next moment he was discussing who is a stronger alien in the cartoon Ben 10 (tv show he watches with his dad), and acting out what the character does.

He's a special boy, and I'm so lucky to be his mom. I hope all you other mom's (including mr. moms) enjoy your children and have a Happy Mother's Day.

Living A Story

Her writing fills her life
As living never does
Dreams and poems become real
Closing her eyes
Trying to hide behind written pictures of joy and passion
Tears flow with the words and pour from her fingers

And I know the sorrow
Wishing for the fulfillment in her stories
Hoping for a life of her dreams

To go back in time and start again wouldn't help
To go forward would only make the past less familiar
I don't want to let go of the hurt that releases him
To know that not even cries remain
When they are gone so is his existence in my world
Just another character imagined in my life of books
Rereading friends and living the lives of others
To disappear from my own
Sometimes the hurt and pain continue through the day,a dull ache
At others, a familiar song stabs my memory
And rips his loving words from my heart with an anguished cry

To live for others is only existing
I hide behind smiles
Believing that none can see the dull pain of alone

She doesn't search through crowds for his face
To recognize his walk in a crowd
Straining to see... hoping he is returning to her
But knowing that will never be
Even with their meeting.

How do you live with sorrow?
Is it forgotten in a drawer with letters folded and worn from longing?
The memories of caring words in deep voices fill my mind
And the suffering leaks down my face
Cooling the passion that is still there.

Don't leave me
Don't let me leave you
Don't say goodbye
Don't wish me well
Just go and give me forgetting your laugh
So that I can continue on my walk for others
Across an empty world

Writing

Do you get scared before posting an intimate story, poem, or intense and questioning feelings? Do you feel compelled to share them anyway... to open your soul so that the world can embrace it or trample it at will?

I find it easier to expose myself to many people at once than to just one person privately. Maybe it's because there's a lower chance of rejection, ridicule, anger, disgust or even shame. Because there must be someone out there who has experienced even the tiniest bit of what I write.

I'm thinking about why I write. Yes, it's expression and I use it as a release, to clarify and then try to look more objectively at my thoughts and feelings. But I think I write for understanding, interaction, feedback and accomplishment.

My writing voice is much different from my speaking voice. The tones and word rhythms I hear in my head are more formal. Isn't that funny? You would think they would be more casual. But maybe its because I view my thoughts and emotions with such intensity that is deserving of a more serious and formal tone/voice to express them. I love to write and forgot how much I loved it... how it flows from my head to my fingers.

There was a time when I refused to write on my computer. I was used to a more visceral experience... of my pen pressing down hard on paper leaving marks of the letters on the pages underneath. Crossing sentences and words out because I disliked the way they fit was always down with numerous strokes which then used to annoy me when I felt that I needed that phrase or word in another part of what I was writing. I would have to stare at the paper to find the shapes of the letters hidden under the marks.

Then I started to use computers and saw that the words could flow more freely, quicker than with my right hand and the callus on my middle finger, that bump from gripping the pencil and carving my words. It has started to get smaller and not as noticeable. Believe it or not my brain still works faster than my fingers and when I have a thought of another line to follow if I don't write it down it's possible to lose it as I get involved in the thoughts I am writing at that moment.

It can get distracting sometimes. I prefer to finish the thought I'm in the middle of rather than to write down a reminder word or phrase afraid of losing the flow. And now I have done just that and am racking my brain trying to concentrate on these words hoping that the idea will decide to come out of hiding, as if it's punishing me for ignoring it.

I even reread all the above to see if it would kick start it, but it seems that it's gone. But instead I go back to how I used to shuffle the papers around. And I've just remembered that I wanted to write about how I would agonize over first sentences, how I would write and re-write them. Or even start with the second sentence knowing that something a certain rhythm, cadence of words naturally belonged in front of it. I used to place the papers with different sentences and switch them around till I felt they fit together.

Do you write with a rhythm in your head knowing that a certain word comes next with two syllables and the emphasis on the first one? I do. If I can't remember the word I want I don't usually fill it in with a synonym instead I leave it blank and come back to it later. Re-reading and drumming out the beats of the word in my head until it comes to me or until I use a thesaurus. I do this when I write prose as well as poetry.

I just read an essay on poetry and on the rhythm of syllables. I need to read it again so that I understand it better and can actually use it and the terms describing it that were written there. When I read different authors the words on paper set a rhythm in my head. I like the way it feels, different than my own thoughts.

I guess people would call it a style of writing but when I hear that word it reminds me of the characters and descriptions a writer uses not their____. I also find that writing late at night or very early morning the words flow easier. Is it less barriers because my mind is tired after a long day and thoughts and feelings come out??? Don't know. I'm getting a little too tired to write now it's about four in the morning, and I've been listening to the slight click of my fingers on the keyboard.

What a difference from the sounds of typewriters or even older keyboards. Maybe it's easier for me to write with a computer now because the sound is less distracting to the rhythms in my head. But I remembered one more point about how I also write using an informal voice. That's when I hear my talking voice in my head. It's when I feel as if I'm having a conversation, maybe a more relaxed or joking conversation with the reader. And that made me think that maybe my formal voice I also use my formal voice my writing voice when I speak. Hmmmm.

Too tired to continue and the thoughts are not fighting for attention in my head anymore. My eyes are closing so I'll end this post. I'll read it later to edit it for spelling etc., but this one just wouldn't leave me alone until it was done. Good night or should I say good morning the birds have been singing for over a half hour now. That makes sense considering that its now 6:30. I thought I started writing a little earlier. Guess not. G'morning to you guys I'm off to get some much needed eye rest.


After reading this over again before I posted, I remembered another thought that I lost while I was writing. It's that I don't listen to music when I write. I like quiet. That way I can hear the rhythms more clearly... so maybe that's another reason why I like to write late at night or early in the morning the world and my life is less noisy.

Tagged!

I was tagged by Frum House to do "the eight". This post took much longer than expected because I felt the need to explain my choices which is really another one of my passions... understanding the reason why about something.


8 passions in my life:

My family, especially DB - This means being a good daughter, sister, aunt, cousin and most importantly a good mother, and being a good mother includes not talking bad about DB's father to or around DB

Sex/men - Enjoying, appreciating, accepting and understanding (well, trying to understand) the differences between men and women and revelling in them.

Smiling/being able to laugh at most anything

Children - being with them, sometimes acting like one and viewing the world through their eyes

Reading - It was an escape for me when I was a child and I didn't want to/wasn't able to face the hurt in the world. It still is. Plus books are a source of knowledge and "if you can read a book you can do anything" - CR's mom

Judging someone favorably. You never know what they're going through or have been through.

Enjoying the world around me and being thankful for the ability to enjoy it which includes sunsets, water, wind, people

loving unconditionally and often - most definitely includes hugs and kisses... yummy.

If I could add something here it would be manners. They show that you respect, care about and are considerate of the people around you.


8 things I often say:

I don't know. What do you think? Let's go look it up. - I say this to DB to show him that adults don't know everything... no one does and that there's nothing wrong with admitting it, but then you have to go find the answer.

I'm not promising, but I'll do my best. - I DO NOT promise!!! I've been disappointed to many times by people who have promised things to me and I will not hurt anyone the same way.

Stooooooop it!!!! - said with laughter in my voice

OK, I admit it. You're right.

Bet you a nickel - in my family the most we bet, actually the only amount we bet is a nickel.

I was wrong. I'm sorry. - I say this to people when I'm wrong (No duh, CR), and that includes DB. I want him to understand that everyone deserves an apology even children.

All I care about is that you tried your best. - The result (sometimes) doesn't matter if you have tried and tried to do your best at something.

Thank you, Hashem. - I say this when I find something, when I see DB's smile, when I realize just how lucky I am, whenever and wherever.


8 books I read recently:

Time Travel in Einstein's Universe: The Physical Possibilities of Travel Through Time by J. Richard Gott - I am a geek and am actually enjoying learning physics or some of the concepts. This book explains how and if certain famous science fiction stories of time travel could work or not work.

Chofetz Chaim A Daily Companion; The Concepts and Laws of Proper Speech

Brother Odd by Dean Koontz. - I really enjoy his books. OK, that's an understatement. They are filled with love, determination, facing your fears, humor, and belief in the human race.

The EVERYTHING Parent's Guide to Children With Dyslexia by Abigail Marshall. - An amazing book that's filled with so much useful information about understanding and helping a child with dyslexia

If I Ran The Zoo by Dr. Seuss. - DB's choice for a bedtime story last night.

Pride And Prejudice by Jane Austen - I'm a sucker for romance.

Between Parent And Child by Dr. Haim G. Ginott revised and updated - A wonderful parenting book that teaches among other things not to blame just to acknowledge and move forward.

New York Civil Practice Law and Rules (2003 Redbook) and case law regarding divorce and child custody issues. I wish I was able to afford LexisNexis online. It would make my life so much easier. And yes, I know I need a newer version of the CPLR.


8 songs that mean something to me:

I Love You A Bushel And A Peck from Guys And Dolls - My mother still sings it to me and just about everyone else. I've adopted the practice and have passed it down to DB and some of his cousins.

Put Your Shoes On, Lucy by Petula Clark - We sing it when we are getting dressed and getting ready to go out.

Marine Corp Anthem - My father used to sing it to my brother and me as a lullaby.

It's An Outrage! from Oklahoma! - DB sings it by heart and with the exact accents, tones, inflections and actions as the actors.

My Little Boy words and music by my mom. - It was originally titled My Little Pearl but when my brother was born she would sing it to him as My Little Boy. I've added another verse specifically for DB.

Now Run Along Home And Jump Into Bed - My mother would sing it to us as the first lullaby of the night. She usually continued with at least one more song when putting us to sleep as children.

Everything Is Going To Be Alright music and words by my mom. The explanation about why I love this song is in this post.

Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond - Thursday nights cooking for Shabbos and dancing around the kitchen with my momand brother.


8 Qualities I look for in a friend:

Non-judgemental/acceptance

loving (which means giving of yourself without expecting anything in return)

making yourself available

sense of humor/fun-loving

understanding or trying to understand

ability to listen

kindness/caring

forgiveness


8 people I tag:

Tr8ergirl
Chaverah
Ellie
Curly Girl
Sarah
Shosh
Jack
Smoo
Lubab

I've realized that most of what I've written in this post has to do with being an example for DB so that he will one day grow up to be a happy, loving, considerate, caring man surrounded by others who feel the same for him.

Reading And Writing

Reading has always made me want to write. Reading books that I love and words that draw the emotions from me make me want to write well. I've always loved to write even when I hated it i.e. reports for school. I knew how to make it fit and blend; the rhythm and cadence of words turning into thoughts, into pictures of the mind or soul. I feel like I'm stretching reaching out with my heart and forcing my brain to explain my reasons or feelings.

Obviously, I am in the middle of reading a wonderful book. The bittersweet kind about love and how even when it's lost there is always more to take its place... to fill the emptiness and hurt with tearful smiles.

But that's not the only kind of book I read. Science fiction is one of my favorites. My mother started me on it when I had finished reading most of what the library had to offer me. I was able to read and understand her books, but she felt that it wasn't appropriate for me. Meaning that there was sex in them there pages. Little did she know that a tremendous amount of Science Fiction is written by horny men. I got an education at an early age. I was only 10.

She started me off on Heinlein and from there I found my own way. Anthony, Asimov, L'Engle, Simak, Silverberg, LeGuin, Wells, Bradbury, Vinge were the ones I read in the beginning. Then I found the anthologies, stories that were Nebula winners, Asimov's Magazine, and I discovered new authors and read whatever I could get a hold of. Needless to say I have quite an extensive library, but I still haven't even read all the books on my list. I haven't finished reading Clarke, Ellison , Dick, Cherryh, but there's still time.

Those stories and books made all beings (people, animals and aliens) equal and everything, and anything seem possible. That anything is attainable if you can just figure out a way to make it work. Maybe that's why I don't give up when things get really rough.

Then I realized that these weren't just dreamers. These writers had created real worlds with sociological, and political implications with result to their dreams of science. My mind expanded again. Reading the classics in high school had so much more meaning to me now. I could also see similar storylines and plots but with different characters and endings.

My fingers itched to get everything down on paper, but as soon as I did I would rip it up and throw it out. I used to write letters to my favorite authors in my mind. Almost ready to send them I would then see that my writing was just a bad imitation of theirs. But how I wanted them to know what their words meant to me.

I actually had the opportunity to personally let an author know and I let it pass me by. I was with a friend (no longer) in Oz shopping for material so that I could be a bridesmaid in her wedding. Somewhere around the W. 30's and most of the stores were closed for the day. Maybe it was past five or on a weekend. It was summer still light out and hot. The block we were walking down was not shadowed by the walls of tall buildings. Just the two of us, and then passing right by... I could have (and should have) reached out my hand to touch him.

I couldn't speak for a few seconds. I stopped, and watched him move farther away. Finally out it came in one breath and a rush of words, "Doyouknowwhothatwas?" It didn't even register with my friend that someone had even passed us. "THAT'S KURT VONNEGUT!" Her response was, "Who?" At that point I should have realized that our friendship wasn't bound to last. Oh, how I wanted to run after him and gush my praises for his writing over his hunched frame suffocating him with my admiration. How many times had I read and re-read his books.

But I didn't. I let the opportunity pass. I was a different person then. Shy, timid, unsure of myself. Yeah, yeah I know, but it took me a very long time and A LOT of hard work to leave that CR behind.


When I discovered blogging it was like I was set free. No one really knew who I was and I could/can write whatever I want, and get feedback. I revel in it. It's freedom. I might just have to say that I've come to crave it... the sound of my fingers on the keys releasing tensions, thoughts, feelings. It comes close, but not as good as sex.

You really didn't think that I would post without mentioning my favorite three letter word.


btw-The Jazz Man invited me (ok, along with a lot of others) to hear him play Sat. night, but I was in Kansas. He's also playing this coming Thurs. night at Small's. Great music. I just wish I could go hear him.

Reading About Dating

On the way to and from Kansas this past week I managed to stop at this book outlet. The prices are pretty good, but they were having a sale so they were even better. If you purchased over $15 of books they would take off 50% of your total. That's an invitation I couldn't resist. Plus there were stacks of books for a buck each.... hardcover books. I had a party. I couldn't hold all the books and they were soon spilling out of the basket I was given..... mysteries (for mom), illustrated classics for children (for DB), books about Marines, battles and Israel (for dad)... Every book I purchased (even if it was for someone else) will be read by me eventually, but I'm the only one in the family reading science fiction, the classics, and books about neurodevelopmental dysfunction, auditory processing disorder, dating , marriage and sex in marriage.


Books are my friends. Yes, I have human friends too. But I've always turned to books as a refuge and as enjoyment. I get lost in the words and the worlds become real. I've been an Indian princess (when I was younger), scientists, explorers of strange worlds, architects, doctors and cowboys not to mention a sorceress who can talk to animals, and a wizard of Earthsea. Whenever a movie comes out about a book I read I always hesitate about seeing it. I don't want to see the story changed or the characters look different than how I picture them... but usually my curiosity gets the better of me. Even when there is a picture of one of the characters on the book I try to ignore it and form my own view.


Kinda got sidetracked or maybe not.... I guess it's to be expected that I would also turn to books for information about dating. I've read lots of these books Mars And Venus On A Date, The Kettle The Fish and The Bird, The Everything Dating Book. I feel that I need as much help as possible because I don't want to end up with the same man twice. That is if I (want to) get married again. Yes, I know that's cynical. Maybe I'm thinking that way as a protection in case it ends up happening (that I don't get married). Deep down I know I would love to spend the rest of my life with someone. I want to share what I love with someone and be quiet with them in front of a fire on a rainy day, and wake up to kids jumping on top of us wanting to play, and go to bed knowing that we would only fall asleep after we were sweaty and out of breath.


Yeah, yeah, I haven't mentioned arguments or bill paying and kids interrupting you in bed because they don't feel well and then happen to throw up all over you. I know what's involved. I just think it would be nice to share it with someone who could kiss me when we makeup and let me handle the bill paying on time, and most of all join in my laughter and cleaning up of the gross stuff after the child is put to bed feeling better.


Obviously, I did some reading about dating this Shabbos. Maybe it will help me later on down the line. I think it might even help me now. One book made me feel better about saying good-bye to Man and to be proud that I didn't continue in a relationship that would end up going nowhere. But the downfall is that it is really more difficult for me to imagine csbf and I really would like sex without any attachments. Having some has left me wanting more except now I think I would like to have it all. There's nothing wrong with that, is there?

Spring Ramblings

Spring....in my step.... almost a skip.... A soft breeze and a damp smell of growth... melting snow watering new buds...

I missed skiing again this year. The skis were in Kansas, along with my boots and all my other gear. DB is itching to get on the slopes and he's never skied... Next year!!!! He'll pick it up very quickly and we'll race down the mountain, no stopping and quads burning. But for now the bike tires have air in them and we'll be doing some riding. I'm not looking forward to lugging the bikes back and forth from Oz to Kansas, but it will be worth it when DB and I go riding together.

I love the outdoors. What I love the most is the wind in my face. It brings to mind a dog hanging his head out the window in ecstasy. It such a sense of freedom to me. I love the wind whether it's from skiing a run down a mountain, a ride on a horse, biking, running, sailing, and of course the window open while driving with the music blaring singing my heart out and smiling.

Squeaky, my minivan, is slowly falling apart. I try to keep her in good shape, but I've put a lot of miles on her and she wasn't new when she came to me. The next car will also have to be a minivan. It's necessary for carpools, playdates, and traveling with DB and the cat. She goes with us to Kansas and has been since we got her when she was 4 months old. DB has been traveling back and forth to Kansas in the car since he's been three months. They both behave beautifully and there is no DVD player. I'm kind of old school in that respect. I would rather DB read, draw, look out the window and notice the world around him, sing with me, talk to me, and connect with me.

DB and I talk about getting a new car and we're in agreement that the next one must have a sunroof. He's definitely his mother's kid. My first car had a sunroof, and in every season it was open. The only time I drove with it closed was when it was raining (drizzling and it would still stay open) or snowing very hard. For about year I took care of three of my younger cousins (all under the age of three) and even if they couldn't ask for the sunroof to be opened they would point at it.

I've got to schedule an oil change for Squeaky, and I really do have to replace the spark plugs and wires. Dad has been on my case about it. It doesn't take all that long, but I really want to do it with DB so that he can learn how to do these things for himself the way I learned with my dad. He's definitely not going to do anything like this with is father. I still feel a sense of accomplishment in the fact that I replaced the battery. It's not a hard job to do and lord knows I do own enough tools to get it done, but the best part was talking to my dad about it after and being able to tell him something he didn't know. Just in case any of you ever need to replace your car battery always disconnect the negative cable first. It's obvious my dad is proud of me, but when I told him about the cable and then when he saw the new kitchen floor I put down I really felt it. Talk about being confident in my abilities... he wants me to do his kitchen floor next. WOW!!! Ultimate compliment.

I love to work with my hands and enjoy the feeling of knowing that I can take care of myself. BUT, I wish that I didn't have to. It would be wonderful to give over some things to someone else or to even have someone else share some of the responsibilities. It's hard being mom and dad. It's also hard having to be the one to discipline all the time. DB's a great kid so it really isn't all the time, but his father doesn't discipline at all, and so he's the fun one in DB's eyes.