I Don't Just Talk In My Sleep

Y'all already know I talk in my sleep...

I'm tired from driving back to Oz last night. We got in early but then I felt the need to unpack everything and do some cleaning. That's what drinking coffee will do to me.

Feeling kind of hung over from the caffeine. I'm trying to get some work done on my computer, and I felt myself dozing off. I guess I'm not going to be able to work while sitting on my bed today.

Anyway, the next thing I know I'm nodding my head and opening my mouth to say, "OK, OK, I understand." I didn't get the words out because moving my head woke me up.

I wonder if I do anything else in my sleep. Oh, please! That's not what I'm talking about. I'm referring to sleepwalking. Although, I have heard of people who have sex in their sleep. I don't mean the people like my ex who can put you to sleep while having sex because they're so bad. I'm talking about people who are actually sleeping and stay that way while having sex.

I'm trying to figure that one out, and I've got to say that sex must not be that great if they don't even wake up when...

She Wouldn't Listen Anyway

I just found out that DB's dad, my ex, got engaged the last days of Pesach. While I am very happy for this occurrence I do feel bad for her. If I felt it would do any good, I would tell her the reasons why I wanted a divorce and that she should protect herself and her children and run very fast and far away.

I like her. She's sweet and treats DB nicely which is extremely important. It sounds like she comes from a nice family because her parents also treat DB well. I just feel so bad for her children and worry about their safety like I worry about DB's when he's with his dad.

It would be nice to think that the ex has changed, but because of his recent behavior I know that isn't so.

I'm Back

...and the gloves are coming off!!!

We're going to trial in May. The ex and his attorney should be prepared because there aren't going to be any settlement negotiations. The Administration for Children's Services (ACS), formerly known as Child Protective Services, opened and is in the middle of another investigation about the ex and how he treats DB.

If you know of any tehillim lists, I would greatly appreciate you adding DB to them. Shlomo Yitzchak ben Feiga Rochel.

Thank you

Not Dorothy Anymore

At least I know I do it. Don't they say that admitting you have a problem is the first step to correcting it. It seems that I have a tendency to choose men that are unavailable to me. And yes, I know why I do it too. It also seems that I have a tendency to push away men that are available to me. Smart, real smart CR.

Y'all know about the guy I care about in Texas. The funny thing is that he's a real cowboy. Not in the roping, shooting, riding horses kind of the word, but as in attitude and behavior.

Anyway, just got off the phone with him. One of the things that I really like about him is that he's honest and up front, and so am I. I have never had a relationship like this if you can call phone conversations from hundreds of miles away a relationship. Anyway, it's kind of hard for me to make myself vulnerable or rather I really dislike doing it. I'm sure that most people don't enjoy that feeling.

My body reacts and I feel my chest tighten up and pull in as if to protect my heart. Oh! Another enlightening explanation about why I choose unavailable guys.... that way at some point in the relationship I have a reason, an out, so that I can say good-bye. I've been trying this past year to work on this problem, but obviously I'm not doing too well, or maybe I am getting a little better at it.

I didn't completely shut down and pull away from Bud when things weren't working out, although, he was definitely unavailable. Oh, and Chassidish well, that was really just sex. I could go through the list of guys, and maybe I should. But I know I'm repeating a pattern. Although I have made some good friends out of the guys that I've dated.

I think that marriage for me is out of the picture. I can't see myself trusting a man enough to marry him. This doesn't mean trust with regard to sex, or money. This means with my emotions... the most precious of all. I'll gladly give my love to you, but when you get too close to me I'll run away. Yeah, I'm a scaredy-cat. Big, strong CR who takes care of DB, does a lot of her own work on her divorce, and feels comfortable representing herself in court is scared to feel. I just want to pull in and close down.

Obviously, something went down or came up today. Funny how those two sayings can mean sort of the same thing. Yup, I spoke with Cowboy. It was a good, honest, open conversation which makes me respect him and care for him all the more. Maybe that's what makes me feel like running away. I don't like that I feel this way.

I like to be in control of me. I'm sure a lot of it has to do with my marriage to my ex, and how he controlled me, whether we went out or not, who we saw, and it got to the point that he controlled the way I felt about myself. Giving anyone some control or letting them in a little is frightening. How do I know they won't treat me the same way? OK, OK, I know that's just an excuse albeit a valid one.

So, where do I go from here? I'm just not sure. I'll keep on pushing my comfort zones, even if it terrifies me. To be honest with me (you guys, just get to be in on the conversation I'm having with myself right now) I don't think I'll ever end up even meeting Cowboy or if that actually does take place I can see it being a one or two time thing and then me saying good-bye and riding off into the sunset.

I was going to write "Maybe if I work hard enough I'll come back in the morning." But I just don't think it's going to happen.

There's a huge possibility that I won't even post this. See! I am a big 'fraidy-cat or that I'll post it so that I don't have to talk about it with Cowboy; more 'fraidy-cat behavior. But, I actually did tell him most of this already. YAY ME!!! A very hard thing to do, very scary. It helps getting this out. But I still hurt inside because a part of me knows that I'll probably be saying good-bye sometime soon.

That was so not fair of me to write. See, I'm pushing him away just by writing that. That way I don't have to be the one to say good-bye he'll say it for me. You can just call me the Cowardly Lion. And maybe someday I'll see the wizard and get some courage.

PMSing

MOST DEFINITELY NOT RATED G





Now that I've scared most of you members of the male sex away by the title, I will try and tell y'all what's going on. I'm a little tired. I'm a little teary. AND I'm horny as hell.

Yup, you read that right. It's probably just the hormones. Yeah, yeah, I can just hear what you're thinking, "Sure CR we've heard that one before. When don't you have sex on the brain?!" But it's true. About a week before I get my period, almost all that I can think about is sex... not just run of the mill sex, but hot and sweaty sex that leaves you breathless, with your heart pounding, and a huge grin on your face.

I'm not talking about the "wham bam thank you, ma'am" kind of sex that I used to have with the ex. What I am referring to is sex that is better than melt in your mouth Godiva chocolate truffles when you savor the silkiness as it slips over your tongue. This is the sex that slowly builds with passionate looks and take your time hot kisses that make you beg for more. I think that the ladies know what I'm referring to... it starts way before anything physical and then continues with the foreplay for a looooooooong time afterward.



btw-can you just imagine how ECSTATIC I would be with chocolate and sex together?!?!?

Remember Me?

Yeah, yeah. I know I haven't posted in awhile. Haven't wanted to, been very busy, and couldn't think of what to write. Of course, that hasn't changed much right now, but fingers have been itching... so here I am.

Actually, I'm in the middle of two, no, three posts. But I think I'm just going to ramble for a bit, and let you know what I've been doing lately. Drum roll please.... I lost 9 pounds. YAY!!! Only 20 more to go. I am fitting into some more of my clothes, and will be jumping onto the treadmill after I finish writing this. It's not so much the weight as it is the way I feel in my skin, and how fit I am.

I haven't been so interested in dating lately, but that doesn't mean that my sex drive has dissipated in any way. C'mon, it's me we're talking about here. There's a guy or two out there, but that doesn't necessarily mean marriage. While we're on the topic, my rug burn has healed, and is now only a pinkish red mark going down my forehead. Any advice out there for how to get that to go away. It looks like I was burned... ok, ok I was burned, but how do I get it to look like the rest of my skin.

Then there's the issue of my broken glasses. Don't even ask how that happened, but yes, it's somwhere along those lines that you're thinking.



I've been having mega weird and vivid dreams lately. One of them had a 6'5" guy help me out. Yes, I know his height. Don't ask me why, but I knew it in my dream. He was sweet and strong... just the way I like them.

I did some reading over Shabbos, but what's new about that? I only read two books though. Both of them were by Dean Koontz. I like the ones where he has a character in the book say things that are so out of place that it makes me laugh out loud. I know I've written about his books before, but they really resonate with me. Horrible, and boy, do I mean horrible things happen to the people in his books, but they don't give up hope that tomorrow will be better.

OY!!!! I know I sound like an innocent pollyanna, but I'd much rather that than a bitter cynic. Now, I have a picture in my head of Pollyanna as a bitter cynic and it's making me laugh. Don't even... you guys already know I'm weird. I've never tried to hide that fact from you.

I now own a blackberry, and have been very busy with it. I've discovered how to bypass certain things and am now able to im from it. Not only that, I didn't break it or mess up it's operating system when I did it. I think it may even like me, but I'm trying not to jinx myself. The best thing about it was the fact that it was free. Y'all know how things are tight for me.

Well, I had actually come to the end of my 2 year contract, and I knew that I needed to get a new phone because I had dropped my old one quite a few times (understatement) and it was dying. The problem is that I couldn't get a phone with a camera. The ex (so nice to write ex instead of stbx) is still trying to control me, and he has enough money to keep me in court for quite a long time. His attorney must love having him for a client.

In case you didn't know, you aren't allowed to bring any kind of camera into the court house (any court house) let alone the court room. So I didn't have much choice when it came time to picking out a new phone. That's when the salesguy suggested a blackberry, and I've been hooked ever since.

That's about it for now, I've got to go to the car and take out a mattress. A friend of mine was moving and asked if I could use one. DB had just started mentioning that his bed wasn't so comfortable so now he'll be a happy camper.

btw-squeaky isn't going to be squeaky for much longer. I'm going to have a new tensioner and belt put on her this week so you won't be able to hear us coming from miles away.

When We're Married....

Teen, this man that I met on Frumster has been talking as if we are going to get married. He has not met me, and I have not led him on in any way. I haven't been sliding any sexual innuendos into our conversations and I most certainly haven't been talking about marriage. GEEZ LOUISE!!! I haven't even told him that I like him.

I was speaking to a friend of mine tonight and I mentioned that Teen is not the first guy who has brought up marriage before we have even met and without me encouraging the topic in anyway. I have been trying to figure it out. Am I doing something.... am I saying something.... am I choosing to answer the messages of guys who do this? I figure it must be me because this happens so often. Or maybe not... maybe it's just that the guys out there want to get married and when they find someone they enjoy talking to and who listens to them they set their hopes on her.

But it's not like Teen has proposed or anything like that. Although, I do feel he is rushing things.... A LOT.

This got me to thinking about past relationships and how close some of them have come to marriage. I think that I might have led on some of them. Nope, changed my mind.... I think that I loved them, but when it came down to the wire I couldn't think of spending my life with them.

Of course, the first two happened even before I was twenty. One my senior year of high school and he was a college senior. The other one happened that summer after I graduated. I broke it off with both of them. As much as I liked dreaming about being married I was most certainly not ready and neither of them were the right guy for me.

The next two guys were after seminary. One was a divorced older guy and good friends with the guy who asked me two summers earlier. The other wasn't Jewish, but he was the closest I came to saying yes before I met my stbx. Part of the draw to Not-Jewish was his family background William James, psychologist, Henry James, author, Maxfield Parrish and Jean Parrish, artists. How I came to go out with Not-Jewish is for another time. Then there was the Israeli guy, best friends with Doll's husband. He thought that since we made out we would be getting married. There wasn't even any sex and he didn't speak any English, but I did speak Hebrew.

After stbx, there was Mr. Complex (as in Napoleon) and Mr. Move To Israel, and now Teen. Am I giving off marriage vibes like some sort of pheromones through the phone lines??

Holidays Are Hard And So Is Limbo

My heart used to ache when DB went with his father for visits because I was concerned about his safety, it made my heart ache when he would cry and cry and say "I don't want to go, Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!" And I would smile and tell him he was going to have a good time and hold my tears back until he was out of sight. Then I would break down with great heaving sobs wishing that there was some way I could protect my child.

It's amazing what you learn to live with. I don't cry anymore and neither does DB. He wants to go with his father now. You can tell that he's afraid that if he doesn't his father won't love him anymore. He's a bright boy and knows that a parent shouldn't treat a child the way his father treats him.

Even when DB is taken on vacation or special trips with his father and I know that he will have some fun my heart is still full and heavy with tears. There's a knot in my throat that makes it hard to breathe and swallow. I'm still scared for is safety. Most of the time I can forget about it or at least trick myself into thinking that I've forgotten it. But especially with the trial coming up I'm a lot more sensitive and scared to death. This is DB's life at stake, and I'm afraid.

It's difficult, that's a complete understatement, to sit around and wait for the report from the forensic. A lot is depending on that. If she's in favor of the relocation then there probably won't be a trial. Imagine having to let someone else decide what is best for your child and if you contradict there's a chance that you will lose the right to care for him and send him directly into harm's way.

I am going bonkers from waiting. Even if I knew that there was going to be a trial, and that would probably mean an appeal after for a total of another year and a half to two in the court system, I would be able to handle it... that is, of course, after the fist raising at Hashem, screams of why and floods of tears. I would get down to case law and writing.

The stbx is trying to break me with all these years of fighting. He thrives on it and lives for craziness. But I'm not going to crack or give in. I'm a mother backed into a corner so don't mess with me. I will do what I have to even if it's pretending that everything is fine or soon will be so that DB won't worry. I won't give in even when the powers that be think his lies are truly gospel from the mount.

I'm just tired of it.... but that doesn't mean I will give up... not ever... ever.... ever...

I Forgot

Bud asked me yesterday what the bad thing was. I didn't know what he was referring to for a moment. Oh, my blog. I started laughing because I couldn't remember the terrible thing that had happened. Either it wasn't so terrible or I have a horrible memory.... Mommy brain, it happens when you're pregnant and never goes away. It's when you can recite all the character's names on the children's pbs shows, but you can't remember your own. Smoo has proven in his post that dads can get it too.

Anyway, the horrible thing is not so horrible... another lesson I've learned is that most things don't seem so bad the next day. It's amazing that I have learned how not to react (let me finish) or rather overreact when crazy things take place with the stbx. It only took ____ years to get me to this point. It's also pretty amazing that when I do let something really get to me it only takes about 15 minutes for me to calm down and realize the sky isn't falling. AND YES! That's an extremely big deal for someone as emotional as me. You see, I just feel my feelings, and wear them.... like a heavy dark gray raincoat or a light pink jacket that moves with the breeze on a brilliant spring day.... and most people around me can tell what I'm feeling.

So Bud and all you others out there you'll just have to live without knowing... Maybe next time I'll have enough energy to write it down before I forget.

gtg-- I've just driven back and forth to Kansas for the second time in 4 days and I'm wiped, but the ac and brakes are fixed on Squeaky -- they couldn't get rid of the squeak.

OH! Both Willing and Mr. Man wrote me e-mails today. Man wants to get together, but I know that since I feel a little something for him it would not be the best move. Although..... I do miss his laugh and voice... don't worry I'm not going to start something with someone who can't move. At least I'll try not to... I don't make promises.

Here Comes The Sun.....

The weather really does affect my mood and boy, did I miss the sun last week. But it's back. YAY!!!! I had a big grin on my face, windows open, and I was singing my heart out while driving to pick up DB yesterday.

I got to see DB on Sunday. That usually doesn't happen when he spends the weekend with his father, but he had a baseball game. DB hit a double and had one RBI (run batted in, for all you non-baseball people). He didn't even swing at every pitch. He let the low ones go right by. I wasn't supposed to cheer for him, but I figured if other people were doing it so could I. He didn't mind me doing that in the end. Not only that, DB gave me a hug when he saw me. No kiss though, "C'mon Mom, the guys will see." His team won and he couldn't have been happier.

There was just one thing that marred the otherwise great time the kids were having. The coach of the other team was screaming and yelling at the players. He even said something to his own kid around the lines of "just remember you're coming home with me, let me see you hustle." Of course DB noticed (his father talks to him and threatens him the same way) and brought it up to me. He was worried about the children on the other team. I told him that they would be ok, but they probably were not having as good a time playing as he was.

I try to use opportunities like that to get the point across to DB so that he won't behave in the same manner... especially because his father does. Children of abuse sometimes turn into abusers themselves. Hopefully, that will not be the case with DB.

Dating Update:

I have decided to take a break from dating. There are too many other things going on right now, and believe it or not I'm really not interested in dating or sex. I kind of freaked Bud out with that last night. He couldn't believe I said that and I had to repeat it. My picture on Frumster is only password accessible, and I'm not initiating any phone calls to Denver. Hey! Maybe that's why I'm not attracted to him romantically, I am too busy concentrating on things that are going on with DB and the case for relocation. I'll write more about that later. My sleep has been disrupted and my dreams have been even weirder than they normally are.

WOW!! I can't believe that I wrote that I'm not interested in sex. Man!!! That is.... just... kinda freaky. The only other time I wasn't interested in sex was right before and after I separated from stbx. My therapist told me that was normal because of everything taking place, but because of my very strong libido I thought that once the interest was gone I would never get it back. Obviously, I did. 'Guess it's just nature's way of making it easier for me to concentrate on the really important stuff.

btw - ACS (Administration for Children's Services) was called again because of something DB's father failed to do. more later... I have another appointment with the forensic psychologist to prepare for.

Can't Sleep...

Another drive back to Oz, and I can't sleep because of the coffee; I've got a little buzz going. Bud and I spoke for part of my drive, and I told him about talking to Gretel. Because of Pesach and tax season she and I haven't been able to get a hold of each other. Well, Gretel was very proud of me and happy that Bud and I are no longer going out. Then we started talking about why I'm so ambivalent about dating right now. Of course, Gret saw right through me and told me that maybe I just needed some time to get over Bud; especially since our going out was my first relationship after stbx. Just hearing that helped me move through it.

Then she gave me a shmooze on overthinking. I told you she knows me inside out. I started to justify my analyzing things and she cut me short, "See you're doing it even now." The funniest thing is that I can't and don't get angry at her for what she says because she's usually right. I claim to be right all the time, but I guess Gret has me beat, and I told her so.

I miss her and I'm going to try to get together with her when DB goes out of state with his father. Spending Shabbos in Boston with her family would be great, and I could finally meet child 8 and child 9, and see the family dimples on their cute faces.

btw-do you know that birds are up and singing in Oz at 3:30 a.m.?

Do I Need To Choose?

Spoke with this guy on the phone last night and found out he was working at the hotel where I was supposed to have been. No, it wasn't Mr. Willing. It's Mr. Maybe-I'll-Move.... that's what it said on his profile on Frumster. I decided not to tell him in a message that I'm going to me moving to Kansas in the summer. The last time I did that this man I really wanted to get to know better wrote back that he wasn't going to be moving anytime soon, and that was after a couple of messages that I thought both of us enjoyed.

Mr. Maybe or MM sounds great, and by that I mean his voice, and his attitude about life etc. His voice is a little deep and it has a sexy sound. I know, I know, you can't base a relationship on sex. And I've learned that maybe now I can't have a casual sexual relationship. That's a real eye-opener. It's not like I've slept around, but in high school and for a few years after I kind of lived by CSBF, casual sex between friends. Sometimes, after I would date a guy we would still fool around... that is until I was exclusive with my next boyfriend. Oh boy, this sure doesn't sound good or make me look good. It sounds worse than it is. I was never considered a slut or anything close to that, and now I don't even know why... Maybe it's because I wasn't using these guys (well, yes I was but let me finish). First and always I was their friend then if we both wanted we would fool around. We were hormone crazy teenagers so there wasn't so many times when we didn't want to.

The last time I was in Kansas I literally ran into one of these guys. I called him Matza when we were dating, and no, his real name was not Pesach. While I was checking out the fantastic school for DB, he turned the corner and almost knocked me over. He had been looking for the principal, saw her and didn't expect anyone else to be in the empty classroom. We came face to face and then he started to turn red and stammer. I don't think that I had ever seen a man blush before. Matza couldn't remember why he was looking for the principal, and I really felt for him and tried making small talk so that she wouldn't realize that he couldn't think straight. After what felt like 10 minutes, but was probably only 30 seconds he was able to get it together a little and ask her for whatever it was he needed. When she left the room to get it his face got even redder, and his stammer came back. Whoa... this is a married man with 5 kids. I guess it's a good idea that I don't really keep in close touch (pun intended) with those guys I dated who are married.

In his defense, things got kind of serious with us. At least he thought they did. He wanted to marry me (marriage proposals are for another post). The funniest thing is that stbx was the only guy that had to be given an ultimatum to propose. It was definitely a sign of things to come.

Back to MM and Willing... I don't know if I can date two guys at once. There obviously hasn't been any talk of exclusivity. It's just that I don't know if I can keep things straight. And what happens if I like one better than the other? Do I unceremoniously dump the guy I don't like as much? But then what if things don't work out with the first one? Can I really expect the second one to go out with me again? How do people do this? UGH!!!!!! I guess dating FMs is the gauntlet I must go through in order to get to the Wonderful Wizard. HELP!!!!