Wednesday, July 4, 2007

Holidays Are Hard And So Is Limbo

My heart used to ache when DB went with his father for visits because I was concerned about his safety, it made my heart ache when he would cry and cry and say "I don't want to go, Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!" And I would smile and tell him he was going to have a good time and hold my tears back until he was out of sight. Then I would break down with great heaving sobs wishing that there was some way I could protect my child.

It's amazing what you learn to live with. I don't cry anymore and neither does DB. He wants to go with his father now. You can tell that he's afraid that if he doesn't his father won't love him anymore. He's a bright boy and knows that a parent shouldn't treat a child the way his father treats him.

Even when DB is taken on vacation or special trips with his father and I know that he will have some fun my heart is still full and heavy with tears. There's a knot in my throat that makes it hard to breathe and swallow. I'm still scared for is safety. Most of the time I can forget about it or at least trick myself into thinking that I've forgotten it. But especially with the trial coming up I'm a lot more sensitive and scared to death. This is DB's life at stake, and I'm afraid.

It's difficult, that's a complete understatement, to sit around and wait for the report from the forensic. A lot is depending on that. If she's in favor of the relocation then there probably won't be a trial. Imagine having to let someone else decide what is best for your child and if you contradict there's a chance that you will lose the right to care for him and send him directly into harm's way.

I am going bonkers from waiting. Even if I knew that there was going to be a trial, and that would probably mean an appeal after for a total of another year and a half to two in the court system, I would be able to handle it... that is, of course, after the fist raising at Hashem, screams of why and floods of tears. I would get down to case law and writing.

The stbx is trying to break me with all these years of fighting. He thrives on it and lives for craziness. But I'm not going to crack or give in. I'm a mother backed into a corner so don't mess with me. I will do what I have to even if it's pretending that everything is fine or soon will be so that DB won't worry. I won't give in even when the powers that be think his lies are truly gospel from the mount.

I'm just tired of it.... but that doesn't mean I will give up... not ever... ever.... ever...


Anonymous said...

Strong you should stay!!!

don't give up, or in, never. ever, ever.

u go, gal

socialworker/frustrated mom said...

Hey you are very tough, I am here for you.

Amy said...

Amy from here. Thanks for commenting on my blog. Sometimes I feel like noone truly knows what I'm going through, but I can see you are coming from the same place when dealing with the STBX.

come running said...

Thanks for the encouragement

Thanks for being here.

Thanks for stopping by. It does look like we're kinda in the same boat.

Miriam said...

Hi come running,

I wish you lots of strength for you and for the sake of your boy.

come running said...

Thank you so much. It means so much to me that people like you(and everyone on the blogosphere) that I don't really know offer me friendship and encouragement. It helps make it easier to keep on going.

Anonymous said...

I know u have just bveen IT, but still I've tagged you on my blog

can we get 8 more tidbits ;-)


Scraps said...

Hatzlacha rabba. I can't imagine how difficult it must be. I hope that all goes well for you and DB!

come running said...

we'll see...

Thanks for the comment and the caring. I'll keep you posted.

Tr8erGirl said...

Thank G-d I have a relatively good relationship with my ex, but I can totally relate to difficulties of letting your son go, even for a few days! For me its been 5 years since the divorce, but I still wait by the phone for a call that they got to where ever they are going safely - even he's just going to his dad's house - on longer trips - forget it - I'm a basketcase the whole time til he comes back home to me...anyway - much luck with everything! Do what you gotta do!

David_on_the_Lake said...

I cant even relate to the anguish you describe..

I hope you find and use all the strength you need..
The only thing u truly control is ur attitude..remember that.

come running said...

Thanks for writing. As much as I don't want to say this, I'm glad you really know where I'm coming from.

Lately my own strength has been added to by the support of you guys out there in the jblogosphere.

And I completely agree with you about the attitude... and I choose to be happy and upbeat most of the time... every once in awhile I get down but I don't stay that way.

Music helps with keep me happy and sane.