Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Just Friends

Dan The Man is Doll's twin brother. When I came back with her to London after seminary there was an instant attraction. Actually I felt that attraction the summer before, but I didn't stay at her house and we didn't have any time to get to know each other. Staying at her house changed everything, well, almost everything.

We talked about everything from religion to science then to music and books. We may not have agreed on everything, but it didn't stop us from enjoying our talks about it. I can remember one night in his room. I don't know where Doll was, and I don't think anyone else was at home. There was electricity in the looks we gave to one another. Then instead of anything happening we talked some more. This time it was about whether or not we were going to go out with each other.

One of the hardest things I've ever done is tell him that there was no way I could ever hurt Doll and to have her two best friends together might make her feel left out. I had talked to Doll earlier in my visit in a roundabout way. She probably saw through it, but didn't come outright and tell me not to date Dan. This was the first time that I chose friendship over going out with a guy.

When I came back to London a couple years later for Doll's wedding I still felt that pull, but Dan The Man was dating someone seriously. I was sooooo jealous and wanted to tell him, but I kept it in. I didn't discuss it with Doll because I came to London to help her feel really good before her special day. I didn't want her focusing on me.

Once again Dan The Man and I were left alone in the house. I don't know how that happened with all the relatives that were in. That's when he mentioned that he was going to propose to his girlfriend. The jealousy and hurt I felt was unbelievable. I have the feeling he knew about some of it. I tried to push it to the back of my mind by flirting with two and fooling around with one of the Chasan's best friends.

I spoke with him a couple years later and it didn't feel like we were an ocean away. I wanted to tell him how I still felt, but I didn't want to do anything to his marriage... so I stopped calling.

The funniest thing is that when Doll and I were talking recently she mentioned that Dan and I had gone out. Whoa!!!! I told her we never had and that it was a thought at decision based on how it might affect her. Man, we could've gone out and it wouldn't have made a difference.... just wishful thinking. I believe that I made the right choice and still have an amazing friend because of it.

Why am I writing about a relationship that never was from about twenty years ago? I spoke to Dan The Man last night... and laughed and talked about intuition and people and I felt that pull. He noticed my laugh and I listened to the cadence and accent in his voice. Grab a Jude Law movie and close your eyes. That's his voice.... exactly. I missed him. Don't know if we're going to talk again any time soon, although he mentioned it.

I sent him something that I wrote from this blog, but I don't think that he'll visit again. Or maybe there's a part of me that wants him to know the way I feel. I just won't act on it. I don't want to come between him and his wife. This time I don't want to hurt him.

How can I miss something I never had?


smoo said...

"How can I miss something I never had?"

Simple: Much of our relationships are what we make of it in our minds. We run many simulations with different conversations or circumstances that are only theoretical. Those scenarios influence how we act in the real world when actual human interaction occurs. So if we imagine an argument and envision this other person not validating our feelings, when a real life issue arises we say to ourselves “AHA, I knew it, this confirms my suspicions.” It can also play out for the positive if we imagine intimate thoughts, we will be more receptive to any smaller advances. We are programmed to find things that validate our assumptions (this is a true psychological phenomenon).

You may not have realized it but you certainly entertained many thoughts of Dan and even now there is still a place in your mind (and heart) for his simulation.

Jack's Shack said...

How can I miss something I never had?

Sometimes we cannot help but wonder about what might have been.

Tr8erGirl said...

I guess most people have a "what if" or a "if only" person - I certainly do, and we are still good friends, but it definately sucks sometimes! Perhaps that is what Dan is to you! But I agree with smoo - in such situations, 80% is what we make up in our head to fill that "void".....

come running said...

I agree with you for the most part, but there was also reciprocation there otherwise he and I wouldn't have even discussed going out.

I just need to remember to live in the present.

I feel that he is the "if only" person.

smoo said...

"but there was also reciprocation there otherwise he and I wouldn't have even discussed going out."

Maybe you had more than you know or perhaps you define 'had' more narrowly to only include an all out relationship.

come running said...

I'm defining had as "an all out relationship"