Sunday, December 30, 2007

Remember Me?

Yeah, yeah. I know I haven't posted in awhile. Haven't wanted to, been very busy, and couldn't think of what to write. Of course, that hasn't changed much right now, but fingers have been itching... so here I am.

Actually, I'm in the middle of two, no, three posts. But I think I'm just going to ramble for a bit, and let you know what I've been doing lately. Drum roll please.... I lost 9 pounds. YAY!!! Only 20 more to go. I am fitting into some more of my clothes, and will be jumping onto the treadmill after I finish writing this. It's not so much the weight as it is the way I feel in my skin, and how fit I am.

I haven't been so interested in dating lately, but that doesn't mean that my sex drive has dissipated in any way. C'mon, it's me we're talking about here. There's a guy or two out there, but that doesn't necessarily mean marriage. While we're on the topic, my rug burn has healed, and is now only a pinkish red mark going down my forehead. Any advice out there for how to get that to go away. It looks like I was burned... ok, ok I was burned, but how do I get it to look like the rest of my skin.

Then there's the issue of my broken glasses. Don't even ask how that happened, but yes, it's somwhere along those lines that you're thinking.



I've been having mega weird and vivid dreams lately. One of them had a 6'5" guy help me out. Yes, I know his height. Don't ask me why, but I knew it in my dream. He was sweet and strong... just the way I like them.

I did some reading over Shabbos, but what's new about that? I only read two books though. Both of them were by Dean Koontz. I like the ones where he has a character in the book say things that are so out of place that it makes me laugh out loud. I know I've written about his books before, but they really resonate with me. Horrible, and boy, do I mean horrible things happen to the people in his books, but they don't give up hope that tomorrow will be better.

OY!!!! I know I sound like an innocent pollyanna, but I'd much rather that than a bitter cynic. Now, I have a picture in my head of Pollyanna as a bitter cynic and it's making me laugh. Don't even... you guys already know I'm weird. I've never tried to hide that fact from you.

I now own a blackberry, and have been very busy with it. I've discovered how to bypass certain things and am now able to im from it. Not only that, I didn't break it or mess up it's operating system when I did it. I think it may even like me, but I'm trying not to jinx myself. The best thing about it was the fact that it was free. Y'all know how things are tight for me.

Well, I had actually come to the end of my 2 year contract, and I knew that I needed to get a new phone because I had dropped my old one quite a few times (understatement) and it was dying. The problem is that I couldn't get a phone with a camera. The ex (so nice to write ex instead of stbx) is still trying to control me, and he has enough money to keep me in court for quite a long time. His attorney must love having him for a client.

In case you didn't know, you aren't allowed to bring any kind of camera into the court house (any court house) let alone the court room. So I didn't have much choice when it came time to picking out a new phone. That's when the salesguy suggested a blackberry, and I've been hooked ever since.

That's about it for now, I've got to go to the car and take out a mattress. A friend of mine was moving and asked if I could use one. DB had just started mentioning that his bed wasn't so comfortable so now he'll be a happy camper.

btw-squeaky isn't going to be squeaky for much longer. I'm going to have a new tensioner and belt put on her this week so you won't be able to hear us coming from miles away.

Friday, December 21, 2007

I Do Know

And it's no. Glad that I don't have any more questions about it. It's easier knowing than not. I just don't like limbo.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Don't Know

I just don't know. I just don't know what it is, how it is, and if it is. Do I want it to be, and if so why?

I know I should talk about it and not just write about it, but there really hasn't been an opportunity.

Is it because of the concern and kindness? Is it because of the attraction? Is it worthwhile pursuing? Am I just letting my sex drive run away with me?

I need to know so that I can know where I stand... or sink.

Can you think of any more questions that I might have? Should I even be asking any questions?

Unbelievable!!!!!!!!!

More and more craziness... since I owe my attorney so much money she says she needs to get paid before we start the appeal. I need to find out if this is really true.

What next?!?!?!?

A Bigger Pool

I did it. I made a decision. We're going to be staying in The Emerald City or at the very least on somewhere on the outskirts of Oz.

The pool has grown. This means that there will be many more sharks to worry about while searching for that one big fish. The thing is I'm just not that interested in dating right now. I'll have to write more on that at a later point in time. Just too busy.

Getting ready to go to Kansas for Shabbos with DB.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

I'm OK

There's a lot going on. OBVIOUSLY!! So I might be a little angry, upset, or down... and of course, busy. I'm learning how to do an interlocutory appeal now. Geez Louise!!! I've done things some attorneys haven't. Absolutely bonkers!! But that's life... at least, that's my life.

I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried, and I have a pretty good imagination.

Gotta go make some more phone calls and straighten up the apt.

Stuck In Hell

the system
can be worked
if you know who to pay
if you know what to say

the system
is a lie
of justice
without conscience

the system
is for the strong
not the young
and their protectors

the system
was built
to serve people
not crush them

the system
is hell
and there is no release
unless given
by the system

Monday, December 17, 2007

God?

questions just bring more pain
containing my own for his release

NO
reason why
can erase the trauma etched on his soul
kind and loving god. HA!
No person let alone a god would hurt a child like this.

my hurt is nothing compared to his
but I am not alone in my pain
guilt and tears accompany me
confusion and self-blame attach themselves to my child's soul.

A replay goes on and on through my mind
Is there anything that really could have prevented this?
It would have happened at some time anyway

Are we predestined for pain?
As much as I love him I wish that he would've chosen
someone who could protect him
somewhere without need of protection

god has a sick sense of humor
if he wants my supplications hurt me, destroy me
but not an innocent

his wishes to control the world
are echoed with mine
turning back time

prayers are stuck in my throat
tied to my heart in pain
let HIM release them

yeah right, keep dreamin'

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Hope From Hurt

Pain oozing from an open wound
and tears rinse the hatred from my soul.
A band aid cannot cover the sore
of my child's hurt, and
prayers cannot protect us.

I believe that it will end
and we will survive
with a joyous rain of giggles
floating through the air like rainbow bubbles
The rays of comfort and safety warming us into a blackened night while
we rest peacefully covered by blankets of twinkling love.

Be

Be thankful
for the nearness of hugs
be grateful
for the feel of soft kisses
be wary
of their loss
be forewarned
of the ache
be hopeful
for the possibility

of again

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

The Ocean

drifting in your touch

until the riptide of desire
drowns me in passion


waves of ecstasy pounding
into the sharpened screaming reefs of exaltation

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Ow!

Rugburn is painful... even more so when it's on your forehead. Yes, you read correctly. I've got it from my hairline to my eyebrow about 1" in width.

But that's what you get... wait, I've never heard of anyone else getting rugburn on their forehead so let me clarify... that's what I get for falling off the bed.

Yup, I'm talented.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

I Could Always Use More...

friends.

I can now add another bud as a friend of mine. NN has decided that he isn't interested in pursuing a relationship with me. I think he was concerned how I was going to handle it, but it didn't surprise me that much. He had some tells that let me know this might happen.

The funny thing is that two days before he told me I was contacted by two people via Frumster. The day before he told me I was contacted by someone else, and the day he told me two more men contacted me. Whoa, Nellie!!! The best thing about it is that these men are all possibilities except for one who can't relocate, but wants to date anyway.

What's the deal? None of these men are brand new to Frumster and some have seen my profile before. Whatever the reason, I'm enjoying it, but a little overwhelmed. I can only date one person at a time. Actually, I could probably date two, but I wouldn't want to. Feelings could get very hurt if one of them found out, and I just don't want to do that.

So tonight, I wrote "If it doesn't work out, would you mind if I contacted you in the future" messages. Reason being because I have a date Sat. night. HOLY MOLY BATMAN!!! Yup, you read it right. CR has another date with another guy in less than two weeks from the one with NN. Man, it looks like I'm some sort of playa, but that's not the case.

Things changed with NN and I moved on. There's no rebound either.... weird, but y'all already know that I'm weird.

Drum roll, please and now for the new guy. Geez Louise! I have to come up with another name. Hmmmmm... well, let me describe him and see if something fits. He's a gentleman, considerate, smart, funny, witty, attractive (ok, ok, he's handsome) and he's got a great voice. Don't even think it because you're right. CR and voices, again. What can I say? A man's voice really turns me on.

Oh! I've got his name. He actually gave it to himself. He's Tall, Dark, and Convenient (TDC). Convenient because he lives near Kansas already. We're off to a good start. Plus we have similar views on things. He sent me a drasha (I'll have to go into another time) that really hit home with me.

There's so much more to write about what's going on with me, but not enough time right now. I hope y'all are enjoying Chanuka. I know I am!

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Monday, December 3, 2007

A Bonus

I was sitting in Starbuck's today near the door. It opened, and I looked up. I smiled slightly because it was a frum woman. She gave me a bigger smile even though it was obvious we didn't know each other. I smiled wider too. Then we recognized each other!

We did the usual girl thing, kissing and hugging and saying in high voices, "I haven't seen you in such a long time." Of course, we started laughing too. Ya see, this was someone I grew up with from Kansas. I knew she lived in the area, but we hadn't seen each other in at least three years. We both also looked very different. She had lost weight and my hair is 12 inches longer and it's natural color.

It was so great to see her! We've always had a connection even though we didn't go to the same school. She was the younger sister of a friend of mine. Actually I'm friends with all three of the sisters. There have been times when I've been closer to one than the others, but that was mostly because of distance and location. They come from a wonderful, open family that makes you feel so welcome.

It would've made my day just to have a stranger smile broadly at me, but it was even better because it was a friend. I guess it's that out-of-town mentality instilled deep inside us. GO KANSAS!!!

This is what my mother calls a bonus, something unexpected and good you get for behaving like a mensch. If I hadn't of smiled, she wouldn't have smiled back and it wouldn't have progressed. We would have both missed out on seeing each other. Sooooo I have an open invitation for me and DB for Shabbos, and we might even end up living close to her and her family. Her children attend the school I hope DB can switch too.


btw-She mentioned that she might have someone to set me up with. Yes, I know I'm going out with someone. It was just very sweet of her to think of me.

Sunday, December 2, 2007

Something So Sweet

Thursday night as DB was falling asleep he was hugging our cat, really, his cat and singing to her. "Everything is gonna be alright, alright, alright...." He even sang the word every like I do in the next line of the song. "Evvvvvv ry little thing is going to be alright."

He glanced over at me to make sure that I couldn't hear him. He was singing so softly. So I pretended to be very occupied with the book I was reading even as the tears were blurring the words on the page in front of me.

I hope that song brings him the comfort it has brought to me. I cannot express how much I love my boy and that I hope his life is filled with joy and laughter. He deserves it.

Saturday, December 1, 2007

Being Me

I haven't really written anything deep, no, that's not the word... substantial, maybe, not sure... ummm, from my soul, possibly, but I think that's more than what I mean to say.

OK, for what it is, I haven't written any of the above in my posts lately. Most of those thoughts and feelings have been expressed in phone calls, or e-mails, to new friends and old. I've been extremely emotional. OK, I haven't really expressed that too much, but it's been there right below the surface. All it took was a few kind words and tears were in my eyes and sliding down my cheeks. I thought that it was all because of a lack of sleep, but I'm not sure now.

I know that not getting enough sleep will skew my view of the world, and I will automatically become more emotional. Just fair warning for all of you out there. By emotional, I usually mean tears. The big fat ones that well up in your eyes and blur your vision before they coat your lashes and face to finally fall off your chin and form a big wet puddle on your shirt. The ones that you don't even bother trying to hide or wipe away. The ones that release the hurt in your chest into slow deep breathing leading to bone tired need to rest.

Let me just say that for all my joy of sex, and of being in the company of guys, and not acting like a regular prissy, sensitive girl, I'm still a woman... needing love. Ugh! This is just getting too maudlin and self-pitying. C'mon, really... this isn't me. I'm starting to smile and laugh as I write now. I'm being just a little, OK, OK, get off my case, more than a little ridiculous.

Silly me. Maybe it's because I've been really open and revealing and so have other people I've been in contact with. I try not to get to involved in other people's hurt, but it doesn't work too well. My heart aches when I hear of their heartaches. I know I should just leave it, but how can I when people I care about are in pain.

Yes, I noticed, back to being maudlin. ENOUGH!!

Let's move on to different things, like the fact that I started, and have continued cleaning up the apartment. YAY CR!!! WAY TO GO BUD!!!! That is really how I talk to myself. Actually, I've been trying not to talk to myself too often because then it turns into overthinking. Quick, let's change the subject before I get drawn in. Even the word has a pull on me.


I've escaped. HOORAY!! So let's have fun.

I never told y'all about the dream. Whew! What a dream. First some background. I dream in technicolor with sounds and smells, feelings, and touch. I will also notice when I'm dreaming that I'm having a continuation of a dream I've had before. Some of the continuations take place weeks, and yes, years after the original dream. I remember dreams that I had when I was about five or six.

Soooooo, back to Pierce Brosnan. This man couldn't have exuded more desire, strength, and confidence if I had imagined him. OK, I did imagine him. But still, he came on strong, very strong, and believe it or not in the dream I just wasn't interested. Please don't start yelling at me. It was a dream. If he had approached me like that in real life, I would have followed him anywhere.

Sorry y'all, just read what I wrote and realized I can't post it. That's about all that's going out to you guys. If you want to hear more e-mail me. It's not that it's not G rated. It's that it's NR, maybe or not really X, but... well, whatever it is. I'm not putting it out there for the whole world.

Now on to NN. Since I've had some time to rest. I slept about a total 19 hours from the time Shabbos started until after Shabbos. I needed it, obviously.

So now I can think clearly, well, as clearly as I can think. I haven't asked NN all the questions that I would usually ask someone that I would date for tachlis. That is aside from the relocating. I'm not really sure where his income is coming from. What he see's himself doing in the future? If he thinks it would be possible for me to work part time, so that I could be home with DB and hopefully future kids? What kind of school he would like children to attend? And some other heavy duty questions.

Maybe that's why I'm not sure how I feel. I'm trying to prevent myself from feeling until I know I'm on the same page as he is and vice versa. I don't want to get pulled into the emotional part, and that's a big pull for me. I'm trying to keep my eyes open.

Anyway, he reads my blog. So this is basically a cop out. I was going to ask him over the phone tonight but he's not available. I think he might have read the post I wrote about him on Friday and he's pulling back. I don't know. You know what! This is not necessarily a cop out. This is where I figure things out for myself so if he chooses to read it. UGH! That's so not fair of me to write. NOW that is the cop out, by trying to blame him for reading this. Sorry....

Anyway, it looks like we're not going out tonight, next week or even next Sat. night. So I don't know what to think. This dating thing is such a pain. But the truth is I like him. I want to get to know him better. I want to ask him questions even though I am a big wuss and get all nervous. I also want to go out with him. See, I'm copping out again. Why don't I just call him and tell him this? Maybe he doesn't realize.

I was going to start this paragraph with the word "anyway" but noticed the two above it. Instead I'm just going to say that I'm not too good with this relationship/dating thing. I'm trying. I just need some help. So anyone out there have any thoughts please feel free to let me know it might make things easier.... or at least I'll learn something. Hey, here comes those lessons again.

update: just remembered what NN had to do tonight, and that he has to be up early tomorrow.