At least I know I do it. Don't they say that admitting you have a problem is the first step to correcting it. It seems that I have a tendency to choose men that are unavailable to me. And yes, I know why I do it too. It also seems that I have a tendency to push away men that are available to me. Smart, real smart CR.
Y'all know about the guy I care about in Texas. The funny thing is that he's a real cowboy. Not in the roping, shooting, riding horses kind of the word, but as in attitude and behavior.
Anyway, just got off the phone with him. One of the things that I really like about him is that he's honest and up front, and so am I. I have never had a relationship like this if you can call phone conversations from hundreds of miles away a relationship. Anyway, it's kind of hard for me to make myself vulnerable or rather I really dislike doing it. I'm sure that most people don't enjoy that feeling.
My body reacts and I feel my chest tighten up and pull in as if to protect my heart. Oh! Another enlightening explanation about why I choose unavailable guys.... that way at some point in the relationship I have a reason, an out, so that I can say good-bye. I've been trying this past year to work on this problem, but obviously I'm not doing too well, or maybe I am getting a little better at it.
I didn't completely shut down and pull away from Bud when things weren't working out, although, he was definitely unavailable. Oh, and Chassidish well, that was really just sex. I could go through the list of guys, and maybe I should. But I know I'm repeating a pattern. Although I have made some good friends out of the guys that I've dated.
I think that marriage for me is out of the picture. I can't see myself trusting a man enough to marry him. This doesn't mean trust with regard to sex, or money. This means with my emotions... the most precious of all. I'll gladly give my love to you, but when you get too close to me I'll run away. Yeah, I'm a scaredy-cat. Big, strong CR who takes care of DB, does a lot of her own work on her divorce, and feels comfortable representing herself in court is scared to feel. I just want to pull in and close down.
Obviously, something went down or came up today. Funny how those two sayings can mean sort of the same thing. Yup, I spoke with Cowboy. It was a good, honest, open conversation which makes me respect him and care for him all the more. Maybe that's what makes me feel like running away. I don't like that I feel this way.
I like to be in control of me. I'm sure a lot of it has to do with my marriage to my ex, and how he controlled me, whether we went out or not, who we saw, and it got to the point that he controlled the way I felt about myself. Giving anyone some control or letting them in a little is frightening. How do I know they won't treat me the same way? OK, OK, I know that's just an excuse albeit a valid one.
So, where do I go from here? I'm just not sure. I'll keep on pushing my comfort zones, even if it terrifies me. To be honest with me (you guys, just get to be in on the conversation I'm having with myself right now) I don't think I'll ever end up even meeting Cowboy or if that actually does take place I can see it being a one or two time thing and then me saying good-bye and riding off into the sunset.
I was going to write "Maybe if I work hard enough I'll come back in the morning." But I just don't think it's going to happen.
There's a huge possibility that I won't even post this. See! I am a big 'fraidy-cat or that I'll post it so that I don't have to talk about it with Cowboy; more 'fraidy-cat behavior. But, I actually did tell him most of this already. YAY ME!!! A very hard thing to do, very scary. It helps getting this out. But I still hurt inside because a part of me knows that I'll probably be saying good-bye sometime soon.
That was so not fair of me to write. See, I'm pushing him away just by writing that. That way I don't have to be the one to say good-bye he'll say it for me. You can just call me the Cowardly Lion. And maybe someday I'll see the wizard and get some courage.
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4 comments:
Hey CR
I'm going to be "Dear Abby" here :p
Give yourself and Cowboy some credit!
There's a big difference between saying "I have fear" and saying "I am a scaredy cat". You are not your attributes. Everybody's got their shortcomings and I'm sure that Cowboy's realized by now that you have many assets or he wouldn't have sustained his interest in you.
Stretch! Ovecome your shortcoming! As you said, "keep on pushing my comfort zones, even if it terrifies me"! You'll succeed and "work enough to come back in the morning". But it's your own work to do. Only you can do it for yourself, and grow to believe you deserve better.
So, to start, look at how well you've done so far at reaching your objective of not being a scaredy cat:
First, you admit the matter and no doubt Cowboy'ss aware of this quality in you, too. This is a HUGE step, and you deserve a pat on the back for it ((((CR)))). This admission required courage.
Second, you are not powerless to do something about he situation if you really want couplehood more than you want to be completely in control. The choice is yours together to make, but you control completely whether you take that next step of emotional commitment, and your assets will give you the courage to overcome this one weakness. I hope things work out with Cowboy, but if not, the next relationship will require that you invest yourself this way - so you may as well get some good practice in :-)
I say this because there's no leveraging here - the substantiveness and realness of a marriageable love becomes so only through the contribution of the substantitveness and realness of who you are at a 1:1 ratio, including all the bits that you're protecting from harm.
Third, just because your ex controlled you doesn't mean you should allow your fears to treat you like as if they are just another kind of ex husband. Just like him, you're allowing your fears to decide who you meet with, when you socialize, whether you get married again, and whether you pursue a relationship with a man that makes you write poetry and dance and sing. How can you let something like that go? Divorce your fears, CR! Give them a get, and permit yourself to live life.
You are already taking steps to overcome your fears and THAT's GREAT (writing this post, sending your poems to a publisher)! Little by little, you'll see you can break through them. So, Cowboy, be patient! CR's a wonderful work in progress :-)
Remember, CR, that the story of the Wizard of Oz really only begins at the end, when Lion gets his CCCCCCCOURAGE (and Tinman his heart, and Strawman his brain). They in effect discover something they've already had, but fooled themselves into believing they hadn't. Given the evidence above, do you really lack courage? I don't think so.
We don't know what happens after, but the story ends with a completely different world of possibilities than those Dorothy faced at the beginning. Would you rather be Dorothy in Oz, or in Kansas? They could only go home once they learned their lessons! Think about that.
The day you meet the Wizard is THIS day, not "one" day, bud.
Chazak v'amatz, CR. Me and all the rest of your blog buddies are hoping for the best for you.
Just enjoy the fruits of the moment and worry about what comes down the road later.
sos,
You really expounded on what I had to say. Thanks for the advice. But it's this gut feeling I have that this relationship won't last too far into the future. So, maybe I'm trying to protect myself from the hurt.
anon,
I'm not constantly or even frequently thinking about what's coming down the road later. It's just that he says things that remind me of it and of course, I take it from there.
I will enjoy what I get, and move on from there. I'm really not expecting that much due to the situation, i.e. physical distance between us etc., that we're in.
It's just that he says things that remind me of it and of course, I take it from there.
He is probably happy that you take it. ;)
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