Wednesday, March 14, 2007

I Said It... Sort Of

I'm sooooo stupid. I let sex and a lack of sleep open up my mouth. I told Charm "I think I'm falling in love with you." I was only able to get a half hour of sleep during the past 24 and I get more emotional whenever I'm extremely tired. It kind of put him on the spot and I feel really bad about it.

I hope I'm not confusing sex with love. I don't know..... Charm is really the first guy that I've gone out with in the past 13 years. Do I feel this way for him because of the way he treats me, or because of the way I feel when I'm with him? What exactly does love feel like? I don't think I ever really felt it for the stbx. I know that I had crushes or infatuations when I was younger, but what is real love? How do I know if what I'm feeling isn't just the glow after sex? What I'm really afraid of is that the reason I think I might be in love with him is because of how he treats me. Am I being taken in again? Am I just jumping into the arms of the first nice guy I meet to only find out later that he's a mean controlling person? I don't think so. Charm is too good a guy.

I feel very vulnerable right now and stuuuupid. What did I do? Did I ruin a perfectly good friendship with benefits? Is that the way he views it? Maybe I'm seeing more in this relationship than really exits? Am I exaggerating?

What did I do?!?!?!? I would take it back if I could. See, I shouldn't be dating yet!!! I don't know how to play games and I don't want to. A part of me just wants to shut down and stop seeing him. Instead I'll go to sleep hoping that this is all one of my very vivid dreams, and I'll wake up thinking clearer.

5 comments:

Barbara said...

Don't obsess
but don't take it back.

Just let it be out there, ok?

Friends with benefits was NEVER my style - I could never be intimate without emotion. Time to find out if he's the same or not.

I know you're freaking but time is on your side.

socialworker/frustrated mom said...

Continue enjoying it and take it slow, no need to break up if he is a sincerely nice guy. I understand it is scary since it has been a while for you.

come running said...

barbara,

I think the no sleep thing and my emotionality because of it plus his reaction to what I said did freak me out. I'm feeling a lot better now and realize that I don't need to worry about it. I don't need to be sorry for what I feel. The thing is that I'm not sure how I feel.

swfm,

I do believe that he is a sincerely nice guy, and I am going to continue to see him. But you're right this is kind of scary because I'm not used to being so exposed. For a couple years before I separated and then since that time I haven't really felt something for someone let alone tell him that I do.

I spoke with a good friend of mine last night and she said that I have to realize that he is the first good guy to treat me nicely in 13 years and of course I feel something for him. She also said that I might be confusing or exaggerating these feelings because of this. That even if I was definitely sure that I was in love with him it doesn't mean that it would work out and to keep that in mind.

Sooooo... I'm not going to take it back. I'm just going to go with the flow and see where that takes me. But if I find that this is how I really feel and if it is not reciprocated I'm not going stay and try to change his feelings.

thank you both for writing

Amishav said...

Hey- you know...its so hard to know what to think and do. Especially after you've been married so long. But remember this: people who play games dating are the kind of people who play games in a relationship. So go with your gut and see how things develop- you never know. Charm may be a bust, or maybe he's the one. But do try to avoid the L- word. At least for now...

socialworker/frustrated mom said...

That is a great attitude, good luck.