Thursday, March 22, 2007

Ask And You Shall Receive

Not only is he actually listening to what I have to say he is doing something about it. ABSOLUTELY UNBELIEVABLE!!!! Sunday night when Charm and I were talking on the phone I mentioned that I really wanted to be with him, near him, to see him. He invited me over and after I said yes he then asked me if I wanted to spend the night. HOLY MOLEY!!!! Talk about positive reinforcement (pun intended). I packed up some things and drove over. Charm also told me that I look pretty, and yesterday he specifically let me know that his daughter was going to be over tonight, but that maybe I could come over anyway and we would watch a movie. If not for this cold, and how tired and achy I feel I would've been there in a flash.

Back to Sunday night.... We sat on the sofa again and talked, except this time it was much more relaxed and no tears. I gave him a card. And yes, I wrote those three little words in it. BUT don't get too upset with me for doing that. Although I wrote those words, I didn't mean them as in "I'm in love with you." I meant them in the manner that you listen to me and care about me and I care about you and really like you and love you as I do my close friends. OK, you could say that I am fooling myself about meaning that, but it's true. Because of Charm's ability to listen and understand and be open with me I really do feel that he is a true friend. At least those feelings I'm sure of, and we haven't had any fights yet.

It is kind of weird that we haven't fought. We've been talking about that. I don't think that you can classify my mixed emotions and confusion as a fight. At least he and I haven't. We also talked about not talking, and about the fact that neither of us really planned on having this go anywhere when we first went out. But that's basically where we left it. The next morning after I left he called me and asked me if anything was resolved. Meaning we still haven't come out and said to one another that I am hopefully going to be moving back to Kansas and that he is not going anywhere. I guess I feel that once it is said everything is over and I think he feels the same because neither of us has said it in so many words.

I feel like I've fallen through the looking glass into a Sex and the City storyline with Carrie and Big.... especially after Charm told me that I left some soap and a pair of pantyhose at his house. OMIGOD!!!! I started cracking up. It was just too... too... I could almost hear his thoughts. "She's leaving things here!!!! I've got to figure out a way for her to take them back without hurting her feelings BECAUSE I don't want her leaving things here!!!!" I started coughing because I was laughing so hard. Charm had no clue about the way he sounded which made it even funnier. Since I travel back and forth to Kansas just about every other week I tend to leave things behind so I didn't notice that I was missing anything. Doubles and triples of necessary toiletries fill my bathroom and who knows how my pairs of pantyhose I own, but trust me from now whatever comes with me will leave with me.

I just got off the phone with Charm and realize that even though we've talked about not talking we still need to talk. How many more times could I have written the word talked in that sentence? Anyway, I feel like I'm in limbo again. UGH!!! Limbo with the divorce, with relocating, and now with Charm. I don't like having to wait for or having someone else make decisions about my life. Sooooo.... where do I go from here? If I really don't like having my life in someone else's hands then I guess I've got to figure out for myself what I'm going to do. I love the guy, and maybe I was in love with him very briefly but it doesn't look like it's returned in a similar fashion. Too bad..... he's a great guy, fun to be with, intelligent, considerate, a good father....

What do I do? No, I'm not asking for someone to me an answer. I'm talking to myself trying to figure this mess out. He's let his Frumster account lapse so I'm getting mixed signals. Maybe we both really should be dating other people? Maybe he's just not that into me... Maybe....
I'm rambling and probably will continue to do so until I make a decision. And yes, I know that not making a decision is also a decision.

Yesterday, I hit the speed dial for Charm by accident while driving with DB and searching for a juice box to give him. Uncle Kracker came on the radio. I love to sing and Charm ended up with a message of me doing just that. He told me that he thought I was trying to tell him something.

You don't know how you met me
You don't know why,
you can't turn around and say good-bye

And all you know is when I'm with you
I make you free
And swim through your veins like a fish in the sea
I'm singing....

Follow me
Everything is alright
I'll be the one to tuck you in at night
And if you want to leave I can guarantee
You won't find nobody else like me

1 comment:

socialworker/frustrated mom said...

I am happy to see he was able to give you what you needed. It's good to talk things out with yourself:)