I can't do it. I just can't go out with Mr. Man and fool around without feeling anything. There isn't going to be any CSBF. I wrote to him and he responded graciously and that he heard the attachment growing in my voice and understands why we won't be going out. I can't even manage not caring about him and we've only talked on the phone. It could be just because he has the most amazing voice I've ever heard, but I don't think that's the case. Yes, I should have known better, but at least I didn't arrange to meet him even once like I did with NM. Considering I haven't dated or had sex in quite a long time I'm gonna say that I've got one hell of a learning curve. Hopefully, the next person I get interested in will actually be available to me.
OK, OK, I think I'm ready to be honest with myself. It just dawned on me while I was writing that I seem to be picking guys that have no possibility, and the ones that do (like Denver); I feel very little for (romantically). Yup, you guessed it... I'm afraid... petrified is more like it. NJG has some company there. I read his post and totally got it.
But I'm not just afraid of becoming another statistic, I'm also afraid of getting hurt. The hurt that I feel in my chest, that makes it difficult to swallow and brings tears to my eyes. I don't think I'm as strong as imagine myself to be... who knows? Maybe I'm stronger. I've learned to live with a lot the past 13 years. Maybe I'm just not used to feeling this kind of pain...
It's also a little hard because I'm jealous for two reasons. Bud has been talking to people and I'm sure he will be going out with them soon. I'm jealous that they will be able to have fun and spend time with him. The other reason is that it's them he's taking out not me. BUT he's my Bud and I want him to go out, have a good time, and meet someone special. I've been speaking to him about my dating situation and he's been giving me great advice, not to mention listening to me kvetch and feel sorry for myself like I'm doing right now. But that's gotta stop.
I feel a little silly complaining about these things... but I also feel better now that I've written them down and gotten them out of my system.
Maybe Denver will call me today.....
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2 comments:
It's funny because your situation that you describe with Bud sounds exactly like a situation I have with a female friend of mine where I am a listening and supportive ear. It's interesting to hear the perspective from the other side of the coin. Does my friend think of me this way too?
Opposite gender friendships are really tricky. I used to be a big defender of them but unfortunately emotions and lines get blurred too quickly. Particularly when we feel lonely. Doesn't mean that I won't have female friends, just that its important to be vigilant about crossing lines and sending mixed messages.
CR, I like reading your blog because you are describing so many situations that I am at the other end of. First I was Mr. Man and now I am Bud.
I can't wait to see who I will be next! ;-)
PL,
I'm curious... did you ever go out with this female friend? And I'd like to know what it's like from your point of view. How do you feel when she goes out with people?
Are you ready to live in Colorado? It looks like you might be Denver next... he's been calling and writing on a regular basis... ;-)
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