Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Sex Ed. And The Married Man

Men. I've recently spent a lot of time talking to different men. Some were married... they approached me through my blog... as I'm sure they approached others. Some from Frumster and divorced, but just not that interesting, one was widowed.

All of them are sweet, caring guys. Yup, even the married ones. Yes, I know it's my naivete showing it's face again. "All they want is to get in your pants," Doll says. And of course my answer back to her is "That's all I want too." These are intelligent men... I find that very attractive with engaging personalities and not too mention the fact that they are sexy. What to do??? Well, I don't need to worry about that because I didn't meet with one... yes, I was actually considering being the other woman.

You all might look at me with disgust, but then again you aren't in my shoes. Anyway... I was just too down about everything going on and couldn't bear facing anyone especially someone that I wanted to look good for.

I know I'm an easy target. I'm open, honest, horny, and gullible. They couldn't ask for anything more. Except that I can't bear to hurt people. I could never be responsible for the heartbreak that might happen if a wife was to find out. Yeah, yeah... they don't have to find out, but sometimes they do no matter how many precautions you've taken. I've found that most of the married men are writing because they want someone who enjoys sex. It's so sad that they can't find what they're looking for in their own home and marriage. I feel for them. I really do. I experienced the same thing.

But these men on the other hand do not want to get divorced do not want to destroy their families, hurt their children, and don't even want to hurt their wives. So they live a lie. Treating their wives like gold and looking for sex on the side. I admire them in a way.... They're stuck in a catch-22. It's not fair that they have to choose between the pain of divorce or the torture of not having a satisfying sex life. It's extremely difficult living a lie. At least, it is for me. Once I finally started living my life open and honestly I could never go back to the hiding and lying to myself and others.

Perhaps if they had had the chance to have sex before they got married they wouldn't be in the position they are now. Perhaps if their wives had been taught to enjoy their bodies and that sex is not dirty but a joy to share between loved ones. I know that sometimes in the beginning sex is not the best, but with practice... WOW!!!!

I believe that sex-ed should be taught in schools.... I was thinking senior year but that might be too late to change girl's viewpoints of their bodies. Maybe sixth grade would be a better time. And just because it's discussed doesn't mean that it will take place.... but if they are not being taught at home and because of that marriages are collapsing and families are destroyed.... Rebbeim might want to assume some responsibility. There are also health issues at stake here. If a man decides to go to a prostitute then what could he be bringing home to his wife and their future children.... At the worst AIDS, but herpes, syphilis etc.

The boys also need to be educated in how to treat and romance their wives. To not pressure and give their wives time to get to relax. It's a shame that this isn't taught in more chosson and kallah classes. Refresher courses of taharas hamishpacha are given in most communities. The women teaching them should take the opportunity to explain that sex is an extremely important part of a relationship. The topic of attending sex therapy should also be broached because most of these women wouldn't even consider it unless they thought maybe others would or if they know it's sanctioned.

Anyway, I didn't mean to go off on this tangent. Maybe it's because I'm felling guilty for my actions and want to place the blame on others. Whatever it is I've stopped.... It's been made easier because I haven't been so interested in sex lately. There is just so much going on. I have to move (but first I have to find some place to move to) and DB will be going to a new school in the fall.

And to everyone out there who asks... Yes, I'm frum. Maybe if people were more open about sex, I wouldn't get that question.

And there isn't anything happening for me in the sex or dating department. Maybe I can find a cute mover with a body that won't quit......


Shoshana said...

I did actually have a pretty hot mover, Jewish too. If you want his number...

M M said...

"Except that I can't bear to hurt people. I could never be responsible for the heartbreak that might happen if a wife was to find out."

what about the heartbreak you may cause the guy? Do you only care about the wife?

come running said...

sounds good...

yes, I care about the guy which is why I feel so horrible right now... but I know that I would feel worse if I ruined his life if his wife somehow found out and wanted a divorce. It would hurt his kids tremendously.

It was wrong of me to even develop some sort of relationship with him, and try to fool myself somehow...

I was selfish. I guess I just wanted someone in my life and since he understood me so well and was interested in what I said not just my body (because we never even met) that couldn't walk away.

His words were loving arms around me. It wasn't just sex. Maybe that's another reason why I couldn't go through with it. I felt myself falling for him, and he was already taken. It's possible for me to have sex with someon without falling for them, but if I start to fall with them and then have sex the pain of good-bye is so much greater after the intimacy we've shared.

This is an explanation of my behaviour not an excuse. I know that I was wrong... and I also know there's nothing I can do to make it better...

I'm sad because I miss him. He wasn't just a dream of sex. He was a caring loving friend.

Jack's Shack said...

Your post reminds me of why I am not a big fan of separating the sexes. It creates a lot of issues for a lot of people.

I think that sex is an area that BTs have less trouble with. At least I would guess that to be true.

m m said...

Did you tell this all to him? Or did you post it publicly on your blog and hope he will read it and that would suffice?

come running said...

I agree with you on the BTs but only with regard to women. Somehow men don't have as much difficulty talking about sex.

No, I did not tell this to him. I posted it on my blog. It was extremely difficult to face him, after I had told him that I wouldn't do this. PLUS... I've been very depressed lately. That makes it difficult for me to communicate and get out of my own sadness etc. I didn't/don't (but I am trying to get back) the energy it takes to deal with people.

He was well aware about what was going on and how frightened and sad I was. But that still is not an excuse... just an explanation.

Only someone who has suffered from depression can really understand. It's when people tell you to pull yourself up by your bootstraps, but you don't even have any boots let alone straps.

I should have told him... and I did try. But I don't think he thought there was any effort because even just e-mailing him and trying to face him was so difficult.

I didn't want to upset and disappoint someone that I care so much about and who goes out of his was to be there for me. What a way for me to repay his friendship? So instead I hid my head in the sand. I was wrong, and I'm sorry.

Do I wish I could take back the hurt I caused YES!

Do I wish that I never met him? NO!

I'm not going to ask for forgiveness because I don't really deserve it. I just hope at some time down the road he might understand just a little and not be as angry at me.

m m said...

If he really cares about you, and it sounds like he does, he will understand and not be angry. Just talk to him, and don't shut him out. I'm sure you can work something out. It seems that you two have a special connection, it would be a shame to just throw it away.

MizEllie said...

We try to create simple rules for complex lives. Don't be too hard on yourself.

David_on_the_Lake said...

But but..How do u explain the fact that infidelity is at least as prevalent in secualr soceities where women are more in touch with their selves...people have pre-marital sex and sex ed..is taught?

and MizEllie..
That was a profound statement..

come running said...

Maybe I will. I'm just afraid that I would get drawn back in.

Thanks for the reality check. I do tend to blame myself for things.

I was referring to infidelity that's blamed on a woman who thinks sex is dirty and/or is not interested in sex because she can't have an orgasm or is too embarassed to talk to her husband.

I'm sure that if someone wants to they can find any reason for infidelity, but this would at least remove an obstacle and give a couple a chance.

Passionate Life said...


That is a terrible idea. The safest thing to do in such a situation is to do what CR is doing and make a clean brake. I do think that men and women can be friends but its a very fine line. When you have the type of emotions and connection that CR & the married guy has, that is a very different story. Friendship is just not a workable situation.

CR, I am so sorry that you are going through such a hard time right now. It really is one of the most difficult things trying to work out competing feelings. On the one hand is our loneliness and wanting to emotionally (and physically) connect with someone that cares about us. On the other hand is the negative consequences of doing so with someone on a temporary basis and knowing that it will result in pain for ourselves and the other party.

I think this is a universal struggle for all singles. There are no really satisfactory answers to this dilemma. At best is having good friends of either gender who you can connect with on an emotional level and can be there for you during difficult times. When that friendship is with an opposite gender friend, then if we wish to preserve that friendship for the long term, precautions against physical intimacy must be taken.

Anyway you slice it, not being in a permanent loving relationship, sucks.

Hopefully that will change for all of us singles in the near future.

come running said...

Thanks for the understanding.

I can't wait till it does change... for all of us. I would love to dance at a lot of weddings.

John said...

I agree with many of your points. I am married and had issues with my wife's lack of interest in sex. In time though i somehow broke through and got her to enjoy it and explore it much more and it's been wonderful. Then again, even now, less frequently than before, but those urges do pop back into my life. Maybe it's because i was a virgin when i married.... But then again david raises an interesting point. I think we have been created in such a way that we, at least most of us, like change and variety and even if we find variety within the marriage, we almost can't help but be curious about the variety outside the marriage.