Laughing

I just got off the phone with Petey and I'm still giggling. Our conversation went from subject of divorce to phantom sex to the CIA to Bamba, and I actually got him to laugh too.

Life is much easier when you can laugh at things that are so horrible they are unbelievable. Personally I prefer to laugh at just about everything including myself (some of the things I do are pretty ridiculous).

Which reminds me, I got my gas cap stolen today while I was at work. No, I didn't get gas on my way to work and have the serviceman forget to put it on. I was walking to my car after work and saw the gas door open. I checked and my gas cap was gone. The funny thing about it was that my car was completely unlocked and they could have taken anything they wanted.

What is even better is that I left my keys in the ignition. They could have taken the whole car. I couldn't stop laughing as I was driving home. The thought came to me that they realized the gas cap was worth more than the whole car so why bother taking the rest of it. This made me laugh even harder.

I'm A Country Gal And It Was A Good Day

Sitting here watching the ACM's, that's the American Country Music Awards for you city folk, I'm a happy camper singing along and tapping the computer keyboard in time to the music. There's a big grin on my face. I've had a pretty good day, and I can't ask for anything more because the DB was with me for part of it smiling, shooting some hoops and even tangoing his mom across the gym floor without an ounce of embarrassment.

It's funny how other people pick up on how you're feeling. Well, with me it's kind of obvious. OK, it's almost unavoidable to know how I'm feeling if you're near me or even talking to me on the phone. It's also neat to see how people are attracted to you when you're happy.

I went to pick up dinner tonight and a guy who works there was ready to pay for it for me, not to mention a single homey from Kansas who was flirting with me while I was at work and trying to find out if I was divorced or dating anyone. Then there was the customer who told me I had a great smile and wanted to know what hours I was in the store.

And I got a bonus today, a bracha from Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski for DB and he added on one for me too.

Earlier in the day, Bubbi was complaining of the noise her car was making. When I let her know it was just her muffler she told Zaidy that it was a little bit loose he asked, "How do you know?"

"CR told me."

"OK, we'll get it fixed," was what he replied, and it made Bubbi laugh because he didn't even question her once she told him that I was the one who diagnosed the problem.

It made me laugh too, when she told me. In case you haven't figured it out, Zaidy/Abba questions everything, and anything, and anyone's opinions. But not my judgement on car problems... too funny!

The bris was lots of fun and we had a huge family picture taken which didn't even include even 1/4 of the family, but still amounted to a whole bunch of people who love each other smiling next to one another.

OH! And when I got home from work Bubbi/Mom handed me a bag with some jewelry I had thought was lost forever; a signet ring, I got on my 16th birthday, my dad's watch that he got when graduating high school, he gave it to me when I did the same, plus some other pieces that had sentimental value. I have a ring on each hand right now, and it makes me feel so girly and fancy even with my fingernails that are bitten down to nothing.

All in all it was a good day.

Of course, the music and familiar accents just add even more to it. I hope you all had a good day too.

btw-how could I forget all the hugs and kisses from little ones and their parents.

DB's List

At brunch today we went around the room and everyone mentioned what they loved the best about their mom. DB was second and he brought tears to my eyes. "I love my mom 'cause she helps me with homework." That's true. We sit together sometimes for hours working.

"I also love my mom because she got me Cutie." That's his cat. Since DB doesn't have any brothers or sisters to commiserate with when mom has been "unfair", I made sure he had a pet to tell all his troubles too. She's one of his best friends in the world.

The last thing DB said was what surprised me and touched me, "I love my mom because she finds the bright side to things." Wow! I felt so proud of my son for recognizing this trait and appreciating it. The other adults gave me looks over his head as if to say you have a very special boy. He hasn't even made it into double digits, but his confidence and ability to express himself is something I would expect of a much older child.

We have a lot of craziness in our lives, and I try to keep things easy and simple for DB. Sometimes it's just not possible, and that's when I try to find something good in what's going on. In some instances, there's just no way to do this, and it would also be denying the awfulness of what's taking place. But whenever I can I try to find something that DB and I can smile and laugh over.

The weird thing about this is that I admire this trait in DB, and I've told him so. I guess I didn't realize that I was the one he was learning it from.

She Wouldn't Listen Anyway

I just found out that DB's dad, my ex, got engaged the last days of Pesach. While I am very happy for this occurrence I do feel bad for her. If I felt it would do any good, I would tell her the reasons why I wanted a divorce and that she should protect herself and her children and run very fast and far away.

I like her. She's sweet and treats DB nicely which is extremely important. It sounds like she comes from a nice family because her parents also treat DB well. I just feel so bad for her children and worry about their safety like I worry about DB's when he's with his dad.

It would be nice to think that the ex has changed, but because of his recent behavior I know that isn't so.

I'm Baaaaack!

Yup, I'm back in Oz. Believe it or not I'm also unpacked, AND everything is put away!!! Holy Moly Batman!! It looks like a different apartment. Are you sure this is home?!?!?

I'm a little punch drunk and wired on caffeine. I felt the need to tell you in case you couldn't figure it out. Which you very well can't. My hands are shaking a little and as much as I know I need the sleep my eyes just aren't closing. PLUS and that's a big PLUS, I've missed writing. I know I just wrote a post yesterday, but man, that was my first post in about a week.

I've got a lot to say and only about an hour to say it. Then DB will be up and I've got mucho errands to run after I drop him off at school; including court, the dry cleaners, the shoemaker, some food shopping, and the bank. OOOH almost forgot I have to pay some bills too.

Soooo about Thanksgiving... it was quiet this year only about 35 people and most everyone was gone by 8 p.m. It was kind of disappointing not to see all the cousins, but everyone who was there had a good time. I had invited GF and she brought along her son. After seeing who some of my relatives were she said that she understood how I was related to so many people in Kansas. She also came over for Shabbos lunch too, and it's great to have a new friend in Kansas who isn't even related.

I saw an old friend/boyfriend on Shabbos. He looked great. He's a bigshot doctor, married with five children and we picked up as if we had seen each other yesterday instead of 15 years ago. It's nice to see he's still the same sweet guy I had a crush on in high school. Hey! He even recognized me, and I look a lot different than the way I did then.

One of the tough things about holidays for children of divorced families is who you are going to spend them with. I'm lucky though, my parents get along and feel comfortable around each other. That wasn't necessarily the case when I was younger, but after the grandchildren were born things changed. Ever since I was little, maybe around five years old, I couldn't wait to have my own house in Kansas and that way I could invite all my family members including my dad and mom. It's still a dream of mine. I want to be able to share the joy and laughter and yes, the stress too. Hey, if I'm inviting all those people there's going to be some stress involved. I'm sure the oven will stop working or the refrigerator will break, but that will just add more to the memories and laughter.

There's more to say. I don't want to forget to tell you about my dream with Pierce Brosnan (from when he was in The Thomas Crown Affair, major HOT) and Brad Pitt, but I'm finally winding down. Of course if I went to sleep now I would wake up sooooo very cranky. It looks like I will just catch up on my blog reading. I want to know what's been going on with all of you. I hope I'll be able to write more this week, but I know I'm going to be very busy out of the house and working on papers. I never thought that I would crave writing this much.

btw- I know this has nothing to do with this post. I've been kind of rambling anyway. I've decided that I like it better when an author puts his thoughts about a story after the story and not before. I don't want to be told what to expect. I want to figure it out for myself and just enjoy the words. THEN, I would love to know how the story came into being.

OH! I found a book of children's poetry by Dean Koontz at Barnes & Nobles today. It's along the lines of Jack Prelutsky a CR family fave. We have several of his books. We really like the ones with the illustrations by Peter Sis.

Another thing... It looks like I'm going to be taking a course on Orton-Gillingham, which deals with methods of helping dyslexic children learn to read. Soooo excited. It will help me to help DB. Then I can also tutor and make some MUCH needed money.

B'Sha'a Tova (In Good Time, At The Right Time)

Wonderful News delivered on my brother's b-day no less. I'm going to be an aunt again... for the seventh time. It's been about two years since the last boy was born. They're all boys and I'm jealous. Not in the way that I wish I could take this joy from them and give it to me, but in the way that I want to have more children too.

I've been thinking about that lately, and whether or not I will actually have the guts to get pregnant one day even if I'm not married. Don't get me wrong. I want to get married (at least I do today), but if it doesn't happen I don't want to lose the chance to have more children while waiting for Mr. Right (let's be realistic, Mr. Almost-Right).

I had a miserable pregnancy with DB and yes, I would suffer through it all over again. First there was the fear of miscarriage. The doctor didn't want to call my first visits (for DB) pregnancy visits until we were able to see the heartbeat and my blood levels were up. It's because of the mis that I had.

The doctor was doing the first ultrasound on my first pregnancy (before DB) and there was an empty sac. He was put on the spot and felt so bad telling us. Then stbx got tears in his eyes and I had to comfort him and make the doctor feel more at ease. This was during the eleventh week. I think I was in denial and shock. He asked me if I wanted to wait until it happened naturally and I immediately replied that if it wasn't a baby I wanted it out of me. I didn't want to feel pregnant if I wasn't. That was just too hard. So it was scheduled to take place less than a week. I also had the choice of having it done in the hospital or his office. Since the office could be scheduled quicker that's what I chose.

I was fine for the first few weeks after and then it hit.... and hard. The babies, the children, the families all ripped at my heart. One of the things that I had always known about myself was that I was born to be a mom. I have this connection with children and babies, and everyone who knows me agrees. Maybe it's their innocence and unconditional love.

Anyway, the job I had made it even harder. I saw children and pregnant women every day usually every hour. The fact that no one knew made it even harder. Stbx could've cared less, "Get over it. It happened weeks ago." I didn't even try to explain it to him. Useless to do so, and I was starting to recognize that. I did tell one co-worker when it was just too much one day and someone (actually most of the customers) had asked me when I was finally going to have a child. I smiled and turned away with tears in my eyes. I had to leave for awhile and I came back with the three dots that shape a triangle that I get on my upper right cheek near my eye whenever I cry.

It was a release to finally let someone else know. Of course, after I had DB and was talking to friends of mine and other new moms in the community I discovered that almost all of them had had miscarriages and that half of them had a miscarriage in their first pregnancy. WHOA!!! If only the doctor would've told me or if there was even an article about it at the mikva. Because you don't discuss this with people when you're trying... then they know you're trying and ask you how it's going. I would've felt hundreds of times better if I knew this. To this day I am still finding out about people having miscarriages on their first and second tries. I'm also finding out that it hurts just as much even when you already have two children.

Then there was the weight gain and morning sickness. I wasn't vomiting so I gained ninety (yes, nine zero) lbs. The only things I could eat were white bread, potato chips, noodles, sour cream, bologna and potatoes-white potatoes for the first 4 1/2 months. I couldn't sleep or stand because of the nausea and the only way to stop it was to actually be chewing and swallowing. I had to go into a separate room if people wanted to eat anything other than those items.

I also had amniocentesis done, but no one told me that most women experience cramping after it. That was scary. Then there was some bleeding and I was hospitalized and had to take it easy after that. Finally after 24 hours of labor, three of which involved pushing without an epidural and while on pitocin (it makes the contractions so much harder) and trying every possible position to get that baby out of me. I asked for a knife because I was ready to cut him out myself then and there. Don't mess with a woman in delivery. I felt a contraction coming and ORDERED the anesthesiologist to hold my foot so I could push. He just looked at me until I YELLED at him to "HOLD MY FOOT!!!" Then he couldn't move fast enough.

Finally after the c-section the darlin' boy was born, albeit with his skull rubbed raw from where he had been trying to get past my tailbone. It stayed that way for a week until it finally scabbed over. Back labor isn't fun for anyone involved.

Anyway... I forgot what I was writing about... Oh! Wanting more kids... HA! Even after all that and a couple months of colic, I do... I really do want to have more children. I have so much love to give and share. I used to feel bad that DB didn't have a sibling to go through this horrible divorce with, but if he had who knows if I would've been able to help him as much and to discover his learning issues.

btw - DB is extremely bright and I don't want to just focus on his weaknesses like reading and writing. I want to also push his strengths... any type of reasoning, logic, spatial etc. Anyone have any ideas how to do this??? I'll probably have to get some more books, and do some more reading to figure out how to work on this.

Clarification

I have my get and have had it for several years. There was some confusion and I just want to make sure that everyone is aware of this. I'm going to add it to my profile.

But my civil divorce is not quite finished and that's been going on for years and years and....

Justice And The Law Are Not The Same Part 2

I have my get, B"H!!!! I got it several years ago after I was served with divorce papers. I had trouble getting it. Even though I went to rebbeim at a different shul than the one stbx and I attended. The rabbi of the original shul was somehow able to convince them that he was "handling it." They were dissuaded from helping me further because they didn't want to cause a "rift in the community" or have two shuls at odds with each other. I never heard from the rabbi at my old shul even when I called, left him messages, wrote e-mails and had other people contact him about the get and then later about other important issues.

There are thousands of women out there who are not as lucky as I am. The Yated along with The Israeli Rabbinical Courts is trying to convince us that these numbers are exaggerations. They have deflated the numbers NOT by helping these women get their gets, but by inaccurate counting and descriptions of these "chained women" who in reality will only receive their get from these same courts if they agree to forfeit child support.

It is very hard for me to trust any rabbi at this point in time. And I most certainly will never set foot in a Beis Din EVER!!!!! As I am writing this, I just realized that it would be difficult to find someone to marry me (iy"h when I meet the right person). My brother, of course or Gretel's husband just came to mind. He is an honest and caring man, AND I TRUST HIM even though he has smicha. But I honestly can't think of anyone else. That's a real shame.

I do want people to realize that I understand that rabbis are human and make the same mistakes we all do... for money, for power, etc... But to have an organization that represents Jewish justice try to hide and disguise the truth sickens me.


hat tip: dag (the response by the Kolech Conference (Religious Women's Forum)

Holidays Are Hard And So Is Limbo

My heart used to ache when DB went with his father for visits because I was concerned about his safety, it made my heart ache when he would cry and cry and say "I don't want to go, Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!" And I would smile and tell him he was going to have a good time and hold my tears back until he was out of sight. Then I would break down with great heaving sobs wishing that there was some way I could protect my child.

It's amazing what you learn to live with. I don't cry anymore and neither does DB. He wants to go with his father now. You can tell that he's afraid that if he doesn't his father won't love him anymore. He's a bright boy and knows that a parent shouldn't treat a child the way his father treats him.

Even when DB is taken on vacation or special trips with his father and I know that he will have some fun my heart is still full and heavy with tears. There's a knot in my throat that makes it hard to breathe and swallow. I'm still scared for is safety. Most of the time I can forget about it or at least trick myself into thinking that I've forgotten it. But especially with the trial coming up I'm a lot more sensitive and scared to death. This is DB's life at stake, and I'm afraid.

It's difficult, that's a complete understatement, to sit around and wait for the report from the forensic. A lot is depending on that. If she's in favor of the relocation then there probably won't be a trial. Imagine having to let someone else decide what is best for your child and if you contradict there's a chance that you will lose the right to care for him and send him directly into harm's way.

I am going bonkers from waiting. Even if I knew that there was going to be a trial, and that would probably mean an appeal after for a total of another year and a half to two in the court system, I would be able to handle it... that is, of course, after the fist raising at Hashem, screams of why and floods of tears. I would get down to case law and writing.

The stbx is trying to break me with all these years of fighting. He thrives on it and lives for craziness. But I'm not going to crack or give in. I'm a mother backed into a corner so don't mess with me. I will do what I have to even if it's pretending that everything is fine or soon will be so that DB won't worry. I won't give in even when the powers that be think his lies are truly gospel from the mount.

I'm just tired of it.... but that doesn't mean I will give up... not ever... ever.... ever...

Ups And Downs OR Justice And The Law Are Not The Same

I really try very hard to stay positive, but sometimes I just feel beaten down. Like today, just got some news from my attorney about the divorce and an unjust decision by the court. It looks like another appeal I have to write and write it I damn well will!!!! I don't curse, unless you consider saying "fudge" a curse word. In fact, you can ask Bud. He used to comment on that a lot when we were going out.

I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes so frustrated because it feels like things will never end. It also feels like if you don't have money or aren't psycho the system is bound to eat you alive. BUT I just won't give up. No matter what DB is counting on me (even if he doesn't know it) to take care of him and make sure that he doesn't get hurt... physically, emotionally, mentally. Sometimes it's a helluva lot for my shoulders to bear so of course it makes me wish for someone else in my life to tell me it's gonna be okay.

That's what makes this next part so funny (ironically, of course). Friday's date was great. Mr. Wonderful stood outside the restaurant in the street to save me a parking space. When we saw each other we just smiled for awhile and laughed. When we ate he was staring into my eyes for minutes at a time, and then he volunteered some more very personal stuff about himself and his family. After we ate and went back to the car he gave me a book. The one we had been discussing. Time Travel In Einstein's Universe about the physical possibilities of time trave. (Bud, you might like this, but I'm not sure how you feel about physics and there's a lot of it in the book).

I drove him to his friend's house and we got stuck in traffic for two hours. But there was never a lack of anything to say and even when we got quiet for a moment or two it was easy and comfortable. Sooo this is my question... why haven't I heard from him? He's been on Frumster and has definitely seen me on Frumster.

Now I'm just waiting for the third thing to happen. Haven't you ever heard of bad things coming in threes? At least I'm prepared and waiting for the shoe to drop.

Days like these make me ask "WHY???" Why does Hashem put so much hurt in this world? Why do children have to suffer? Why can't Hashem sometimes let up and help me help my son?

I know, I know.... I'm getting overemotional. I mean really, what does $50,000 mean to someone who is so deep in debt that the credit card companies aren't even bringing her to court for judgements because it would just be a waste of their money since I have no assets. You gotta laugh at that one... I do... I'm on pretty good terms with a lot to the collectors and at this point believe it or not they're nice to me.

I'm disappointed... No duh, CR and I'm talking to myself. It's just that I thought there was something good going on with Mr. Not-So-Wonderful. All you have to do is say or write I'm busy or I don't think this right for me. Jesus Christ!!!!! What is so hard about that??? Well, I'm not a guy and I'm most certainly not an insecure, unfeeling guy so I can't really speak for .....
I'm just not into game playing. I'm straight out honest and I guess you could say extremely naive. I'm just not cut out for Oz. I kind of hope and expect that decency and justice rules the world when in fact I'm constantly faced with the opposite.

Now that I have thoroughly brought all the rest of you down with me, it's time to just forget about it and keep on trying and moving forward. Sometimes though I would like to just hop on a plane to Hawaii or Venice or Eretz Yisrael. Doesn't Hashem listen to tefillos?? And when is it going to end??

Enough, enough, already!!!! It's time to tell you how funny it was that I woke up very early this morning and couldn't get back to sleep. Guess who was on Frumster??? Yup, Mr. Not-So-Wonderful. Ohh, forgot to tell you that I probably broke the rules when I left him a message after Shabbos asking how his went? And then when I texted him a thank you for the book. Whatever... I'm not a rules person...

Anyway, now that I've been rambling self-pity it's time to stop. Hey!!!!!! School is almost out!!! I was never even this happy about school ending when I was a kid. It's just that it's so stressful for DB and I can't wait!!! I've been keeping him posted on how many days he has left.

Before I forget-- Happy Father's Day for all you good dads out there who care about, love and put your children first. Your children will be forever grateful that you did.

Again...

Don't really have time to post today. Guess where I'm headed???? KANSAS!!!! I've got to get there kinda early because I told DB that there's a possibility of getting a hoop for Bubbi's house. We'll probably go swimming after putting it together.

Basketball has become part of our nighttime(afternoon, really) routine, and it's been a great stress reliever for both of us. There was one point last night when both of us couldn't stop laughing. He's been getting better and I've been staying about the same. Last night he got to 100 points before me and I was trying. But then again he's been living with his basketball. He's dribbling even while brushing his teeth, walking to the car, eating breakfast, etc.

There's going to be a big, huge, gigantic family reunion on Sunday. It's only one side of the family, but there are some people I haven't seen in two years even though they live in Kansas. It's hard to see everyone when you're only down for a weekend and want to spend time with your parents who are divorced.

working out up-date:

I'm almost back to my regular schedule and some of my clothes are starting to fit again. PLUS!!!! and this is a major plus exercising makes me feel so good in my own skin no matter what size or weight I am. :)

Have a good Shabbos.

Happy Half Birthday To Me

It started when I was 5 1/2 years old. Well, most likely before I was 5 1/2. I remember asking my mother when the day would come that I could finally claim there was only 6 months left to being five... less than 6 months to being a 6 year old.... which in my eyes meant grown up, first grade, homework, the big school, sitting at desks....

I have remembered that day ever since. March 26. Believe it or not there have been occasions, twice, that I forgot my b-day, but not my half birthday.Once was when I was out of the country and had been celebrating it before I left the States non-stop. The other time happened during this craziness of divorce. There was just so much going on that I didn't remember until I finally had a chance to return my mother's phone call and was serenaded. "Happy Birthday to you....."

Gretel's birthday took place on Shabbos. She is 6 months older than I and going through her reluctance to be called a year older helps me deal with it. By the time September rolls around I've accepted the change in numbers, and am looking forward to celebrating it.

Age isn't that much of a determining factor in relationships for me. I've dated guys who were older, younger and even my own age. The biggest difference was a five year gap and I was the elder. Charm is younger than I am and it doesn't make a difference. I was even contacted on Frumster by an FM 10 years my junior. We're not dating, but have become friendly. And yes, when I wrote back to him I made mention of the age diff. But, it didn't bother him. Of course not, as he wrote "I'm not proposing." Well, he wasn't proposing marriage, but rather other things (that haven't taken place). I didn't know I could be attractive to someone who was that much younger. Hey! I don't mind getting older. Bring on September.

Everytime I Think I'm Out I Get Pulled Back In

Went to court yesterday. Really didn't even have to show. Mom (aka Bubbi) came up for moral support. I don't think I would've gotten through this without her. Not that I'm through this yet. It's neverending. This is the second judge to sit on this case. Maybe, you could even say the third judge another one presided over one of the trials. Wait! Don't forget the judge from Family Court. There goes your tax money.

Three papers are due on March 15th...."Beware the ides of March..." This is the second time that I have had papers due to Supreme Court on that day. I guess if you're in this long enough you'll be able to say that about every day in the year. OK, OK, I know that's and exaggeration, But that's what it feels like. Most of the issues in the papers have already been addressed in previous motions and in conferences. This is just insane. The file is soooo huge... it can't even be carried all at once.

The new judge also scheduled a trial for the end of May. One thing right after the other. with Purim and Pesach in between. The stbx (soon to be ex) didn't want to settle and is trying to use scare tactics. That used to work, but not anymore. I've toughened up. I didn't even cry when I found out about the trial.... there's nothing wrong with crying.... it's....well, actually, I did cry a little.... some tears escaped while Charm was holding me. I don't think he noticed. I didn't want him to.

I feel more vulnerable, but also safer in Charm's arms. My emotions or let's say deeper emotions come closer to the surface. That kind of bothers me because I feel like I'm opening myself up to get hurt. Not that I haven't been hurt before... it's just that ... Hey! I don't want to get hurt again. Yeah, yeah, you can't live your life like that because it's not really living or experiencing and then you're always holding something back. It's funny because I don't think of myself as someone that holds things back. I speak my mind, I stand up for myself.... Oh, I don't know what I'm trying to say. This is just the ramblings of someone working on four hours sleep.

Went to see a movie with Charm last night, a scary one. Did I hold on tight to him!! It was fun too.... getting out with him. We don't make it out the door too often. BUT I am not complaining about that. After years of no sex..... WOW!!! Certainly making up it for it now in quality and quantity. Way to go Charm!

We started talking about going to the mikvah. I've actually asked a shaila about this. I was told it's better to do "everything but" and not go to the mikvah. I mentioned that I don't think that was going to be doable. After so many years of not having sex once my clothes come off, I didn't think I would be able to restrain myself and I didn't want to. Then I was told to go jump in a lake or the ocean. NO JOKE!!!! Yeah, right. Finally, it came down to go to a mikvah where no one knows you and pretend you are married. WHY? Why is this necessary? Gotta get into that later. Just saw the time and need to pick up the db from school. Shabbos is coming, and we've got errands to run.

Anniversary

Finally figured out why I was so down. Next month will mark the nth year of the divorce.... NO! Not since the divorce, but of the ongoing divorce... soon to be completed?!?!?!

I called up Mamasita (good friend and relative) to whine, cry and kvetch, and as I was talking it finally came to me. Of course, she made me feel better. What are good friends for? She stops me from beating up on myself, and told me that if she were in this situation, thank G-d she's not(I wouldn't wish it on anyone), she would not be able to be happy half the time that I am.

I didn't tell Mr. Charm about how down I was until after speaking to Mamasita. He sounded concerned and kind of confused that he didn't know I had been sad for awhile. It's not that I was hiding it from him or maybe I was. I've been trying to figure out what's been going on between us and I don't really know. I've told him almost everything about me, and things are very comfortable.... BUT.... Here comes the big one.... BUT I don't know where we are going. I'm enjoying the ride, but I would like to know if there is a destination ahead. Does there really have to be a destination right now? I don't know. There's the distinct possibility that I am overthinking things (again).


To tell or not to tell..... I really hate the fact that Mr. Charm thinks that he was the first guy I went out with. I feel like scuz... but I just didn't think I would feel this way about him. Let's just say I feel this desperate need to come clean. Do I tell him over the phone or do I wait and tell him in person? I just want to get it over and done with. Not the relationship. Maybe I'm just doing too much thinking and this isn't as big a deal as I am making it out to be.

This is why I hate lying. It always gets you into difficult situations. I mean, I know why I lied. I didn't want him to think of me as a slut. I did go out and have sex with the first guy I saw. No, this is not Mr. Move To Israel. I completely forgot about Mr. One Night Stand. Story for another time. I guess everyone makes mistakes getting back out there... but boy do mine feel like whoppers (pun intended).

I've come to the conclusion that I am going to tell him tonight. Wish me luck.