Over My Shoulder

Mr. Rose is sitting next to me as I write. He has access to my blog, but doesn't visit. He wants to give me my privacy. Anyway, I was showing him something and he noticed that in my "about me" it stated that I was thirty-something. Oh boy! He kinda got on me about that. I turned 40 a couple months back.

The funny thing is that when Mr. Rose would first answer his friends questions about me he made me 40. He didn't want people to think there was that great an age difference. Not that it feels like there is any disparity in the way we view the world because of how old we are. Soooooo... I kinda got on him about making me older and he's now returning the favor.

He knows how I feel about honesty too. So there you go.... I'm 40. Of course, I still act like I'm 16.

btw- Mr. Rose just turned another year older himself this week. I think that might be the reason for his even noticing the age thing. ttytt-I don't even notice the age difference, BUT I love to tease him about it.

one more thing Mr. Rose just realized why the post wasn't posting... it said pm not am. Ya just gotta love the man!!!!!

I Miss It

I miss feeling a man's hands on me. I miss being held. I miss long deep passionate kisses. In case you haven't gotten the point yet... I MISS SEX!!!

I was just talking a friend tonight and I couldn't stop laughing when I mentioned that I just (right then and there) realized that this is the first relationship (meaning the one with Cowboy, if you can call it a relationship) in which I've been shomer negiah!!! HYSTERICAL!!!

I mean, c'mon, it's me! And I haven't even kissed him yet, let alone held hands. Whoa!! You have to admit that it's absolutely unbelievable.

Well, it's been getting to me. I miss being with a man. There have been offers... the 25 year olds from Frumster and JDATE along with the 65 year olds. And yes, there have been a few from those who fit into the age category in between.

Remember though, I have to like the guy before anything can happen, and I'd prefer to be interested in him romantically. BUT get real!!! We all know that I have a strong sex drive. OK, OK, a very strong sex drive.

Soooooo, I'll keep y'all posted. I can't go to the mikvah until Monday night. After that.... ;-)

I'm A Country Gal And It Was A Good Day

Sitting here watching the ACM's, that's the American Country Music Awards for you city folk, I'm a happy camper singing along and tapping the computer keyboard in time to the music. There's a big grin on my face. I've had a pretty good day, and I can't ask for anything more because the DB was with me for part of it smiling, shooting some hoops and even tangoing his mom across the gym floor without an ounce of embarrassment.

It's funny how other people pick up on how you're feeling. Well, with me it's kind of obvious. OK, it's almost unavoidable to know how I'm feeling if you're near me or even talking to me on the phone. It's also neat to see how people are attracted to you when you're happy.

I went to pick up dinner tonight and a guy who works there was ready to pay for it for me, not to mention a single homey from Kansas who was flirting with me while I was at work and trying to find out if I was divorced or dating anyone. Then there was the customer who told me I had a great smile and wanted to know what hours I was in the store.

And I got a bonus today, a bracha from Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski for DB and he added on one for me too.

Earlier in the day, Bubbi was complaining of the noise her car was making. When I let her know it was just her muffler she told Zaidy that it was a little bit loose he asked, "How do you know?"

"CR told me."

"OK, we'll get it fixed," was what he replied, and it made Bubbi laugh because he didn't even question her once she told him that I was the one who diagnosed the problem.

It made me laugh too, when she told me. In case you haven't figured it out, Zaidy/Abba questions everything, and anything, and anyone's opinions. But not my judgement on car problems... too funny!

The bris was lots of fun and we had a huge family picture taken which didn't even include even 1/4 of the family, but still amounted to a whole bunch of people who love each other smiling next to one another.

OH! And when I got home from work Bubbi/Mom handed me a bag with some jewelry I had thought was lost forever; a signet ring, I got on my 16th birthday, my dad's watch that he got when graduating high school, he gave it to me when I did the same, plus some other pieces that had sentimental value. I have a ring on each hand right now, and it makes me feel so girly and fancy even with my fingernails that are bitten down to nothing.

All in all it was a good day.

Of course, the music and familiar accents just add even more to it. I hope you all had a good day too.

btw-how could I forget all the hugs and kisses from little ones and their parents.

I Hate Love

It hurts too much.

I hate limbo because I don't know what I'm expecting then I'm not at ease and can't experience what I really feel. All that I feel then is anxious. It colors everything a pukey sea green kind of color that reminds me of hospitals where I've done a lot of anxious waiting through my life.

I'm horrible at making decisions, not all decisions just a few and of those only the ones that impact on me singularly. I would love for someone to make these decisions for me, but then what would be the purpose of me being involved in my life at all?

I don't know whether to cry or yell so I do neither. The pain is muted right now. I have too much going on in my life to feel it completely or maybe I just don't want to face it.

I feel like I'm losing a best friend, and he's not even lost. It just that things are in limbo, but I have this feeling. Anyway... I'm sure my tears will come. But my eyes are dry right now. I guess, I'm trying to push it down. I've never felt this way about someone. Maybe it was easier to care about him like this because he was so far away. So that this wasn't "real." Then why does it still hurt?

I have too good of an imagination. I let dreams get the best of me. At this point in my life, I should know that there is no such thing as "happily ever after." But I do know that. I don't want perfect. I just want to share. I want to share smiles and tears, arguments and make-ups, family dinners and slamming doors.

I wish... I hope... I dream... and I curse myself for wanting the impossible.

Didn't reread. Don't want to read this again.

Cranky

Cranky, grouchy, grumpy, kvetchy, or whatever you'd like to call it. That's the way I feel with only a couple hours of sleep, trying to fix the internet connection on my mom's computer (it looks like my abba had a party with it again or somehow managed to step on it) my BlackBerry service not working properly, and I miss him.

Yeah, yeah, I've never even met him. How can I miss him? BUT I DO! So don't mess with me on this one. Plus my mom's treadmill belt is slipping so I can't even run/walk this uchy feeling out of me!!!!

And NO! Having some coffee would not help. I don't drink coffee unless it's late at night, and I'm driving back to Oz. I don't like the taste of coffee, although I really do like the smell. My cup of coffee is a nice hot shower. It wakes me up in the morning, and if for some reason I don't get to have one try to stay out of my way until I do. Well, I'm not that bad.

It takes a lot to get me to this point of crankiness, but the sun is out, the darlin' boy is happy, I got a hug from him without even asking for it, and I'm in Kansas... so really what am I complaining about? It's just about out of my system already. And now I'm off to a nice hot shower, brunch with my da (dad), some bike riding and basketball, and picking up a new wireless router for my mom.



I'm feeling better already