So Much Has Happened

There's been a lot going on in my life in the past few months. Y'all know I got engaged, and along with that came a new family, or rather integrating all those involved into a new family. Believe it or not the hard part isn't the kids. It's crazy, and amazing but the children get along great... with each other and with the new adult figure in their life.

It's just the adults (yes, I'm calling us that even though we aren't behaving that way) that are having problems dealing with one another. I'm not blaming him... and as soon as I wrote that I thought, "Oh yes, I am." I know I'm just as responsible as he is. BUT, (and this is a big BUT) at least I'm reading and working hard on trying to understand and make it work. Yeah, Yeah, I know. Your probably thinking CR so is he. REALLY?!?!? I don't think so.

Ya see he's coming from a long marriage. At least that's what I consider twenty three years of being with a spouse. And I think that along with that extended time period of living and dealing with one person he has come to expect me to understand or to respond and in some cases not respond to his behavior. Well, I don't work that way.

It was hard enough for me to get engaged and stay that way. I don't remember if I wrote about how I got sick to my stomach when Mr. Rose proposed. I felt like I was going to throw up or faint or both even though I knew he was going to ask me. And when we were planning the wedding I got that feeling a lot.

I really don't know how we even managed to get married. I was scared, picked fights, read things the wrong way, and was absolutely emotional. But somehow the day of the wedding arrived and I couldn't stop smiling. It most certainly wasn't like this the first time I did it. I was happy. AND I was relaxed. I had a great time.

The week before the wedding we saw each other. Not for seconds or just in passing, but spending the days together. All except for Shabbos. We even saw each other the night before when we set up the shul, and the morning of. He helped me get dressed. Thinking about it now, I know that if I had not been able to spend that time with him there would have been no way that we would have made it to the Chuppah. He made me feel secure and loved.

Yeah, yeah, I noticed that I wrote that in the past tense. Ya see, I'm not feeling that secure and loved anymore. Rather I'm feeling taken for granted, and ignored.

OK, OK, I know he just bought us a house and moved his family across the country, but we haven't even gone out on one date since we've been married and it's been over two months.

That hurts. And yes, I've told him. Yes, I've mentioned it to him gently, humorously, with teasing and with tears. But nothing has taken place. I've also told him that I don't need it to be fancy. I just want some time to feel special or rather that he feels I'm special.

I don't want him treating me a certain way just to have sex. And anyway, y'all know how I am, and that sex is a given... although, at this point...

I don't want to have to think about money, or the kids or anything. I want to be with him. Hell, I was even going to consider us going to Target a date until he started kvetching. I just wanted some time with him out of the house, out of bed, just the two of us.

So today, he went with his brother to lunch, just the two of them, and it hurt... bad. Not only that he didn't even bother bring me anything back. WTF.

Right now, I don't even want to go out with him. I'll tell you what I do want to do... no, maybe I won't, but I will tell you it involves a door slamming so hard behind me that it echoes in his ears for a long time. I can hear it in my head right now, the thought of it gives me satisfaction.

Of course, I know it's childish, but I want to hurt him back. I want him to understand just how alone I feel... how sad this makes me. I don't expect a perfect marriage, but I would still like to have a marriage. Right now, all I feel is that he wants me for his kids and sex, and that makes me not want him.

I don't need any stick it out advice. I need to vent, and boy, would I love to vent on him, but I'm trying my best to keep things in control.

The Name Of This Blog

Mak once asked me awhile back if I was ever going to change the name of my blog once I found Mr. Right. I still haven't come to a decision regarding that, but I have said yes to Mr. Rose.

He asked. I answered.

I love him.

There's so much more to say, and of course, I will. If I have the time, I'll continue to do so now. If not, you'll get it in bits and pieces as I plan for our wedding.

OMG!!!!!! I'm getting married to the most wonderful man I've ever met!!!!!!!

What Are You Dreaming Of?

For some reason I started thinking about differences between men's and women's fantasies...

Please correct me if I'm wrong, but most, if not all, of men's fantasies involve sex.

Now I'm not your average woman or average Bais Yaakov girl, so some, OK, OK a large portion of my fantasies also involve sex, but that does not mean all of them. One of my favorite fantasies is having a wife. Yup, someone to come home to who will listen to you kvetch, have a delicious meal waiting for you, has taken care of the kids, and cleaned up the house. All you have to do is hug and kiss everyone.

Alright, even that fantasy is a little ridiculous. Let's just say I'd like to come home to a clean house, with food in the fridge and no legos left on the floor to permanently maim your bare feet. I guess you know what happened to me last night after turning off the lights in the living room.

Here are some more of my fantasies, and yes, some of these are sexual in nature. C'mon it's me!!! I would love for kissing and foreplay to last a long, long, long time. Another major fantasy is living happily ever after with the man I love. Of course, that doesn't mean perfectly ever after. It means that I know that happiness is at the very least around the corner and accompanied by the best makeup sex ever.

Major huge fantasy here... DB receiving all the help he needs with school so that he doesn't come to hate learning.

How about this one... making love out on the African plains. A moonless sky brightened by millions of stars and the rumbling sound of lions roaring in the distance.

Any of you brave enough to tell me your fantasies?

Wedding Bells

No, they're not for me. Give me a break.

I got a phone call from a friend tonight, and he said they're talking marriage. It's serious, and they are trying to figure out all the logistics of blending their two families.

He sounded so happy, and I'm so excited for him. It's a huge step. Actually, it's more like a huge, ginormous, stupendous, extremely unbelievably big step, but he's ready. YAY!!!!

The funny thing about this post is that I'm sure that another friend of mine thinks I'm writing about him, and I'm not!

Band Aids And Thread OR A Work In Progress

Is a good marriage just an oxymoron?
Is a marriage just an acceptance of disappointment?

How come romantic movies always
end at beginnings,
weddings,
first kisses,
or the start of a relationship?

Shaped by worn tools of prejudices
molded into sculptures of marble lovers
stone cold
beating hearts stilled and
cemented onto broken dreams.

Is it possible to get joy out of life without tears?
Perhaps the ache is better than boredom and dissatisfaction.

Dreaming of others' lives
wishing for their's in hope that life has more to offer
and at least some have grabbed hold of the golden apple.

Is there truly acceptance, love, comfort showered from open arms
and minds
willing to understand the anger and pain
or instead only reminded of their own salted wounds

Is fulfillment found in arms
searching
looking
wanting
more than what is predestined?

ignoring the loss and moving forward
drawn by magnets of hope
into doors of shining eyes

gazing up at a heaven filled with gods
put there by men's imagination
followed through seas and travels for treasure

yearning for something to fill the black hole that burns within
pearls and colored gems fill the void but for a moment
and the expansiveness grows in the empty souls

Words written by lonely hearts and tears twinkling
in an empty face fuzzed by clouds in my mind.

Wishing for a different life... that may not be better.
longing to live in fiction of heroes and strength.

closing off hiding my soul and the hurt covered with smiles and laughter smothered for appearances sake. aaaah does my soul ache? do I wish for a rescue? I long to repair


a child sitting a mother's bed crying for the world
hunger and war.
the pain did not start there I remember years before.
battling children in a line trying to beat my joy, hope and life.
No tears from my eyes
as they were comforted by teacher's hugs
my skin toughened by their taunts

friendly books
young wishing
for love without the knowledge of it
the emptiness grew until it swallowed me whole.

drawn out of it's depths by resolve and
laughter floating me past
thorns reaching alive with their grasp
yanking tugging ripping the life and joy
out of my eyes
dulling them with disappointment of past loves.

chained to mountains of emptiness.
ripped open by



I can't remember why I called this poem Band Aids And Thread. I know why band aids, but not thread. It also appears that it is a couple of poems.... I need to work on it, but I also want it posted. So you guys can see the transformation of words into my feelings and imagination.

I wrote this in mid-August and have edited some of it.... more to come

Please Hold...

So much to say (I'm in the middle of three posts) and just so tired... haven't gone to sleep yet (from last night). Drove back from Kansas last night and had some coffee. Sooo I didn't sleep.... too wired. I was going to take a nap this afternoon, but a friend stopped by (not Blondie). I hadn't seen him in awhile and well, he looks great... Then I read PL's post and followed his link to shidduch greiper.

I have to say that right now (meaning this exact moment because everything is subject to change) I am not interested in getting married. I don't know if I can really trust someone enough to make myself that vulnerable or maybe because it doesn't look like it will happen so it's a case of sour grapes. Whatever the reason(s) I have chosen to enjoy being single. I will laugh, date, flirt, kiss, and have mega fun (safe fun).

I can't live my life without touch... fingers intertwined, my head resting on a strong shoulder, soft sweet kisses and strong deep passionate ones that take my breath away. I want to feel alive and not like my life is on hold waiting for Mr. Right, and yes, gosh darn it I like sex and lots of it!!!

More Great News!!

Shmellen my friend and sort of relative is due soon. Of course, I just found out yesterday. You see, just because I'm close with someone doesn't necessarily mean that we speak every day. We haven't spoken for about 4 months, but we picked up right where we left off.

Anyway her news absolutely and completely made my day yesterday. I'm so excited!!!!! I'm going to pick her up from work today and give her a lot of my baby and child care books including Healthy Sleep Habits Healthy Baby. She's going to need her sleep since she will be raising the baby alone. Yup, Shmellen is having the baby without being married and without the baby's dad being involved. No, it was not an accident. She planned it out, and asked shailas and her brother started learning about it for her (halacha wise).

I'm soooooo excited. I already called that I get to babysit, and that the baby will call me Aunt CR. I'm also sooo impressed and blown away, by her guts. Shmellen is my age and she didn't want to wait anymore. I know how she feels. I have been thinking about having another baby for quite some time, and DB has been asking since forever. Of course, I'm not in a financial position to do so. Still, I started reading about the halachos, because I don't know if I will ever get re-married. I would most definitely like to meet Mr. Right and have a big happy family, but that might not happen. Actually, I vacillate between wanting to get married and live my life without a husband. Notice that I didn't write man because there would be no way for me to give up men, but I think that y'all know that already.

Sex Ed. And The Married Man

Men. I've recently spent a lot of time talking to different men. Some were married... they approached me through my blog... as I'm sure they approached others. Some from Frumster and divorced, but just not that interesting, one was widowed.

All of them are sweet, caring guys. Yup, even the married ones. Yes, I know it's my naivete showing it's face again. "All they want is to get in your pants," Doll says. And of course my answer back to her is "That's all I want too." These are intelligent men... I find that very attractive with engaging personalities and not too mention the fact that they are sexy. What to do??? Well, I don't need to worry about that because I didn't meet with one... yes, I was actually considering being the other woman.

You all might look at me with disgust, but then again you aren't in my shoes. Anyway... I was just too down about everything going on and couldn't bear facing anyone especially someone that I wanted to look good for.

I know I'm an easy target. I'm open, honest, horny, and gullible. They couldn't ask for anything more. Except that I can't bear to hurt people. I could never be responsible for the heartbreak that might happen if a wife was to find out. Yeah, yeah... they don't have to find out, but sometimes they do no matter how many precautions you've taken. I've found that most of the married men are writing because they want someone who enjoys sex. It's so sad that they can't find what they're looking for in their own home and marriage. I feel for them. I really do. I experienced the same thing.

But these men on the other hand do not want to get divorced do not want to destroy their families, hurt their children, and don't even want to hurt their wives. So they live a lie. Treating their wives like gold and looking for sex on the side. I admire them in a way.... They're stuck in a catch-22. It's not fair that they have to choose between the pain of divorce or the torture of not having a satisfying sex life. It's extremely difficult living a lie. At least, it is for me. Once I finally started living my life open and honestly I could never go back to the hiding and lying to myself and others.

Perhaps if they had had the chance to have sex before they got married they wouldn't be in the position they are now. Perhaps if their wives had been taught to enjoy their bodies and that sex is not dirty but a joy to share between loved ones. I know that sometimes in the beginning sex is not the best, but with practice... WOW!!!!

I believe that sex-ed should be taught in schools.... I was thinking senior year but that might be too late to change girl's viewpoints of their bodies. Maybe sixth grade would be a better time. And just because it's discussed doesn't mean that it will take place.... but if they are not being taught at home and because of that marriages are collapsing and families are destroyed.... Rebbeim might want to assume some responsibility. There are also health issues at stake here. If a man decides to go to a prostitute then what could he be bringing home to his wife and their future children.... At the worst AIDS, but herpes, syphilis etc.

The boys also need to be educated in how to treat and romance their wives. To not pressure and give their wives time to get to relax. It's a shame that this isn't taught in more chosson and kallah classes. Refresher courses of taharas hamishpacha are given in most communities. The women teaching them should take the opportunity to explain that sex is an extremely important part of a relationship. The topic of attending sex therapy should also be broached because most of these women wouldn't even consider it unless they thought maybe others would or if they know it's sanctioned.

Anyway, I didn't mean to go off on this tangent. Maybe it's because I'm felling guilty for my actions and want to place the blame on others. Whatever it is I've stopped.... It's been made easier because I haven't been so interested in sex lately. There is just so much going on. I have to move (but first I have to find some place to move to) and DB will be going to a new school in the fall.

And to everyone out there who asks... Yes, I'm frum. Maybe if people were more open about sex, I wouldn't get that question.

And there isn't anything happening for me in the sex or dating department. Maybe I can find a cute mover with a body that won't quit......

B'Sha'a Tova (In Good Time, At The Right Time)

Wonderful News delivered on my brother's b-day no less. I'm going to be an aunt again... for the seventh time. It's been about two years since the last boy was born. They're all boys and I'm jealous. Not in the way that I wish I could take this joy from them and give it to me, but in the way that I want to have more children too.

I've been thinking about that lately, and whether or not I will actually have the guts to get pregnant one day even if I'm not married. Don't get me wrong. I want to get married (at least I do today), but if it doesn't happen I don't want to lose the chance to have more children while waiting for Mr. Right (let's be realistic, Mr. Almost-Right).

I had a miserable pregnancy with DB and yes, I would suffer through it all over again. First there was the fear of miscarriage. The doctor didn't want to call my first visits (for DB) pregnancy visits until we were able to see the heartbeat and my blood levels were up. It's because of the mis that I had.

The doctor was doing the first ultrasound on my first pregnancy (before DB) and there was an empty sac. He was put on the spot and felt so bad telling us. Then stbx got tears in his eyes and I had to comfort him and make the doctor feel more at ease. This was during the eleventh week. I think I was in denial and shock. He asked me if I wanted to wait until it happened naturally and I immediately replied that if it wasn't a baby I wanted it out of me. I didn't want to feel pregnant if I wasn't. That was just too hard. So it was scheduled to take place less than a week. I also had the choice of having it done in the hospital or his office. Since the office could be scheduled quicker that's what I chose.

I was fine for the first few weeks after and then it hit.... and hard. The babies, the children, the families all ripped at my heart. One of the things that I had always known about myself was that I was born to be a mom. I have this connection with children and babies, and everyone who knows me agrees. Maybe it's their innocence and unconditional love.

Anyway, the job I had made it even harder. I saw children and pregnant women every day usually every hour. The fact that no one knew made it even harder. Stbx could've cared less, "Get over it. It happened weeks ago." I didn't even try to explain it to him. Useless to do so, and I was starting to recognize that. I did tell one co-worker when it was just too much one day and someone (actually most of the customers) had asked me when I was finally going to have a child. I smiled and turned away with tears in my eyes. I had to leave for awhile and I came back with the three dots that shape a triangle that I get on my upper right cheek near my eye whenever I cry.

It was a release to finally let someone else know. Of course, after I had DB and was talking to friends of mine and other new moms in the community I discovered that almost all of them had had miscarriages and that half of them had a miscarriage in their first pregnancy. WHOA!!! If only the doctor would've told me or if there was even an article about it at the mikva. Because you don't discuss this with people when you're trying... then they know you're trying and ask you how it's going. I would've felt hundreds of times better if I knew this. To this day I am still finding out about people having miscarriages on their first and second tries. I'm also finding out that it hurts just as much even when you already have two children.

Then there was the weight gain and morning sickness. I wasn't vomiting so I gained ninety (yes, nine zero) lbs. The only things I could eat were white bread, potato chips, noodles, sour cream, bologna and potatoes-white potatoes for the first 4 1/2 months. I couldn't sleep or stand because of the nausea and the only way to stop it was to actually be chewing and swallowing. I had to go into a separate room if people wanted to eat anything other than those items.

I also had amniocentesis done, but no one told me that most women experience cramping after it. That was scary. Then there was some bleeding and I was hospitalized and had to take it easy after that. Finally after 24 hours of labor, three of which involved pushing without an epidural and while on pitocin (it makes the contractions so much harder) and trying every possible position to get that baby out of me. I asked for a knife because I was ready to cut him out myself then and there. Don't mess with a woman in delivery. I felt a contraction coming and ORDERED the anesthesiologist to hold my foot so I could push. He just looked at me until I YELLED at him to "HOLD MY FOOT!!!" Then he couldn't move fast enough.

Finally after the c-section the darlin' boy was born, albeit with his skull rubbed raw from where he had been trying to get past my tailbone. It stayed that way for a week until it finally scabbed over. Back labor isn't fun for anyone involved.

Anyway... I forgot what I was writing about... Oh! Wanting more kids... HA! Even after all that and a couple months of colic, I do... I really do want to have more children. I have so much love to give and share. I used to feel bad that DB didn't have a sibling to go through this horrible divorce with, but if he had who knows if I would've been able to help him as much and to discover his learning issues.

btw - DB is extremely bright and I don't want to just focus on his weaknesses like reading and writing. I want to also push his strengths... any type of reasoning, logic, spatial etc. Anyone have any ideas how to do this??? I'll probably have to get some more books, and do some more reading to figure out how to work on this.

I'm It

lvsnm27 tagged me so here it goes

1) Each player lists 8 facts/habits about themselves.

2) The rules of the game are posted at the beginning before those facts/habits are listed.

3) At the end of the post, the player then tags 8 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know that they have been tagged and asking them to read your blog.



1) I almost married someone who wasn't Jewish and was willing to convert for me. I said no because my mother was able to listen to me talk about it without judging and without telling me not to. She never said what she was thinking that not only wasn't he the right guy for me because he wasn't Jewish, but also because he just wasn't the right one for me.

2) I've held a madagascar cockroach. I never saw myself doing this, but DB's a boy and I don't want him to be scared to do boy things.... so I have to show him there's nothing to be scared of.... which is why I can also bait hooks with night crawlers. My dad's jaw almost hit the bottom of the lake when he saw me do that one.

3) I love romantic movies that make me cry like Jane Eyre, The Lake House, Cinema Paradiso, Casablanca.

4) I've broken almost all my fingers (no, not at the same time) most from basketball, some from skiing, and one from punching someone. I'm not violent. I was just proving to a guy that I knew how to throw a punch. He threw a punch at the same time and our fists connected with a loud crack.

5) It's easier for me to clean someone else's house than my own. I hate my apt. and it doesn't matter how much I clean or straighten because I'm always pulling out more papers and I have boxes of legal documents stacked in my living room. It constantly reminds me of the predicament I'm in. My home is my office and that includes my bedroom.

6) I love when people introduce me to new music, any kinds. So if you enjoy something let me know.

7) I would really love to be a lawyer (part-time, see #8)and I know I'm good at it because I basically wrote the brief and reply brief for my appeal and won it unanimously. BUT I am soooooo sick of the system and that the lower court judges feel they can get away with not following case law because most people can't afford to appeal and have their decisions overturned.

8) I love being a mom soooo much, would like to have at least three more kids, and be able to stay home and take care of them until they go to school. I'm scared that as I get older it looks less possible for this to take place. DB is desperate for a sibling so much so that he doesn't care if it's a girl or a boy, "But Mommy I really do want a baby brother. I can teach him how to play basketball and I will pick up all my Legos so he won't choke on them."

I tag nice jewish guy, smoo, chaverah, lakewood venter, passionate life, jacob da jew, frum satire, shoshana

Falling.... For Flowers

I love flowers. I really do. I love paintings of flowers and knowing the different types by names and what time of year they bloom. I love open fields blanketed in rainbows gone wild.... I love giving them, planting them, picking them, and arranging them. I love the smiles that appear on strangers faces when you walk down the street with a bouquet.... but being given flowers is what I love the most (even more so if they're unexpected).

In the summer, DB picks dandelions by the handful and brings them to me. When we're in "Kansas" and he's through playing in the dirt searching for fossils and bugs in Bubbi's backyard he'll pick some of the flowers from her garden. They peek out from behind his back and he tells me to quickly shut my eyes. "NO PEEKING!" When I open them he has a beatific smile on his sweaty face and with his arm thrust straight out says "These are for you Mommy. Smell them." After I take them from his grubby hand, I sniff deeply, bend down, look in his eyes and tell him that they are the most beautiful and best smelling flowers ever, ever. I give him a hug and a kiss, and the aroma of the fresh cut grass sticking to his skin drifts around us. He wriggles out of my arms while I brush his hair back and dust the dirt off his knees. Then off he goes with a skip in his step, his chest stuck out proud, searching for more.

The thoughts of flowers came to mind because Charm brought me some. No, he didn't bring them as an apology. He most definitely hadn't done something wrong. And no, it wasn't my birthday, and wasn't a "Happy Anniversary, we've been dating for three months" because it hasn't even been three months. It wasn't because I was feeling down.... I've been me... very happy (since I realized what was bugging me and I let it go ). And it was most certainly not because he was "trying to get lucky"..... he knew very well he would be getting lucky (it was mikvah night). BOY, did he get lucky.... And he didn't even tell me he was bringing me something.

I haven't gotten flowers from someone over the age of eight.... in years and years.... never got them for my birthday, anniversaries, Shavuos, when I was sick, and not even when DB was born. In order to have flowers for Shabbos, I would have to go out and buy them. Yes, I dropped hints, subtle and not so subtle, but it didn't work. UGH!!!! It sounds so.... so pathetic. That's a good description for the marriage. Let's stop talking about that and get back to the fact that I GOT FLOWERS!!!!! YAY!!!!!

You wouldn't believe how I felt. I was kind of surprised at how it touched me. The flowers made me feel thought of, special, feminine, and un-mommylike. Getting a little teary just thinking about it. Yeah, yeah it's just flowers, but it means more to me than just that.... plus, I'm a girl and we are allowed to get emotional and NOOOOO!!! I'm not "pms"ing.

It's these little things that Charm does like open the door for me, comment on what I'm wearing, give me chocolate (godiva chocolate, no less) and bring me flowers. "He likes me, he really likes me" OK, I know I'm sounding kind of dorky and mushy and well......

Am I falling....... just because of........ flowers??