Why

...couldn't you have said so before?
...leave me waiting and hanging?
...do I still care?
...won't the feelings go away?
...am I just so angry?

There's so much I want to say. I counted to 10... I counted to 100... I concentrated on my breathing... I counted to 100 again...

What I want to write is "Go away. I'll leave you alone. Good-bye." But there's a part of me that doesn't want that to be the case.

Then there's a part of me that just wants to rail at you... pound your chest with my fists... make you hurt the way I'm hurting.

You know where to find me, but I'm not going to be waiting.

Different Ways

There's always a way to do something. You just have to figure it out if it's important enough to you.

There's a way in and sometimes it's hard to find the way out.

There are many ways to say good-bye, and quite a few to say hello.

I've had a few new hello's recently. One is from a sweetheart of a man whom I spoke to last night for an hour and a half. Yeah, yeah, I know I was only supposed to talk to him for 15 minutes. It's obvious from this, and this that I have a pretty thick skull. BUT I'm working on it.

He's 11 years older than I am, but I didn't feel like he was an "old man". He sounds like fun and recently broke a finger playing basketball. I like that, not just because I've done that myself, but because he likes to have fun and do things.

Another hello came from someone 10 years younger than I am. It is hard for me not to doubt that he is really interested in dating me for marriage. But he said he has no problem with bringing me and DB home to his family. He was very open with me about some other things which made me believe what he was saying. BUT I still know that I am gullible and easily taken in so I'm just going to see what happens.

We had a good chat last night for about two hours. And I didn't feel any disparity between us because of the age difference. He called and left a message today to wish me Good Shabbos. I got a nice note from the older guy about our talk last night that also put a smile on my face.

Of course, these two new guys need names. I'll have to come up with something if I think they might be around for awhile. There also another man, but I don't know if he's still interested.

Don't ask me what I'm doing I'm not quite sure, and I don't want to rebound into any relationship. I still have feelings for Cowboy, but I'm trying my best to push them down.

I don't want to talk about him.

update: another man just contacted me hadn't heard from him in a week... he's 13 years older more later...

Wish I Were Lucky

Lucky





In my heart... Rated R

His Song Part 2

He hides behind words
and write in riddles
hoping to be discovered
by the one he loves

pushing her away
he tries harder
everyday
to win her

the tears he cannot shed
live forever in his head
and his blood keeps on pulsing
through this unforgiving world

smiling, she passes by
he struggles to let go and fly
to join on her journey
the dreams she longs to live

reality pushes them apart
and he struggles for her heart
to capture his fleeing soul

joined as one
they fall into the sun
and their love consumes them

Am I... When I...

Jealousy

I'm jealous. It's true. I admit it. I'm jealous of my friends and family who can see the person they care about whenever they want. I'm jealous that they can pick up the phone and listen to the voice they want to hear the most. I wish, well, I just wish...

But, no I care about someone miles and miles away. And it's frustrating, I want UGH!!!

I feel like a three year old and I want to stomp my feet, and yell, and cry as if having a tantrum could change things.

So, I've been speaking to Cowboy on a regular basis every day, except his schedule makes it very difficult for me to call him. This leaves me with little or no control, and that drives me bonkers. It gets me angry at myself, at him, at the situation. Yes, I know I'm whining, but I don't care!!! Now, I really sound like a child.

It's that it hurts sometimes. It makes me not want to answer the phone when he calls or to get off quickly in the middle of a conversation. I want him to feel the same hurt. Real mature CR, like hurting him will make things better. It won't and the major part is that I don't want to hurt him. I just WANT HIM!

Before y'all get down on him, he really does a good job of staying in touch with me. But I want to be able to call and say goodnight, pleasant dreams. I want to have that option.

btw-I hate being in limbo.

Holidays Are Hard And So Is Limbo

My heart used to ache when DB went with his father for visits because I was concerned about his safety, it made my heart ache when he would cry and cry and say "I don't want to go, Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!" And I would smile and tell him he was going to have a good time and hold my tears back until he was out of sight. Then I would break down with great heaving sobs wishing that there was some way I could protect my child.

It's amazing what you learn to live with. I don't cry anymore and neither does DB. He wants to go with his father now. You can tell that he's afraid that if he doesn't his father won't love him anymore. He's a bright boy and knows that a parent shouldn't treat a child the way his father treats him.

Even when DB is taken on vacation or special trips with his father and I know that he will have some fun my heart is still full and heavy with tears. There's a knot in my throat that makes it hard to breathe and swallow. I'm still scared for is safety. Most of the time I can forget about it or at least trick myself into thinking that I've forgotten it. But especially with the trial coming up I'm a lot more sensitive and scared to death. This is DB's life at stake, and I'm afraid.

It's difficult, that's a complete understatement, to sit around and wait for the report from the forensic. A lot is depending on that. If she's in favor of the relocation then there probably won't be a trial. Imagine having to let someone else decide what is best for your child and if you contradict there's a chance that you will lose the right to care for him and send him directly into harm's way.

I am going bonkers from waiting. Even if I knew that there was going to be a trial, and that would probably mean an appeal after for a total of another year and a half to two in the court system, I would be able to handle it... that is, of course, after the fist raising at Hashem, screams of why and floods of tears. I would get down to case law and writing.

The stbx is trying to break me with all these years of fighting. He thrives on it and lives for craziness. But I'm not going to crack or give in. I'm a mother backed into a corner so don't mess with me. I will do what I have to even if it's pretending that everything is fine or soon will be so that DB won't worry. I won't give in even when the powers that be think his lies are truly gospel from the mount.

I'm just tired of it.... but that doesn't mean I will give up... not ever... ever.... ever...

Ask And You Shall Receive

Not only is he actually listening to what I have to say he is doing something about it. ABSOLUTELY UNBELIEVABLE!!!! Sunday night when Charm and I were talking on the phone I mentioned that I really wanted to be with him, near him, to see him. He invited me over and after I said yes he then asked me if I wanted to spend the night. HOLY MOLEY!!!! Talk about positive reinforcement (pun intended). I packed up some things and drove over. Charm also told me that I look pretty, and yesterday he specifically let me know that his daughter was going to be over tonight, but that maybe I could come over anyway and we would watch a movie. If not for this cold, and how tired and achy I feel I would've been there in a flash.

Back to Sunday night.... We sat on the sofa again and talked, except this time it was much more relaxed and no tears. I gave him a card. And yes, I wrote those three little words in it. BUT don't get too upset with me for doing that. Although I wrote those words, I didn't mean them as in "I'm in love with you." I meant them in the manner that you listen to me and care about me and I care about you and really like you and love you as I do my close friends. OK, you could say that I am fooling myself about meaning that, but it's true. Because of Charm's ability to listen and understand and be open with me I really do feel that he is a true friend. At least those feelings I'm sure of, and we haven't had any fights yet.

It is kind of weird that we haven't fought. We've been talking about that. I don't think that you can classify my mixed emotions and confusion as a fight. At least he and I haven't. We also talked about not talking, and about the fact that neither of us really planned on having this go anywhere when we first went out. But that's basically where we left it. The next morning after I left he called me and asked me if anything was resolved. Meaning we still haven't come out and said to one another that I am hopefully going to be moving back to Kansas and that he is not going anywhere. I guess I feel that once it is said everything is over and I think he feels the same because neither of us has said it in so many words.

I feel like I've fallen through the looking glass into a Sex and the City storyline with Carrie and Big.... especially after Charm told me that I left some soap and a pair of pantyhose at his house. OMIGOD!!!! I started cracking up. It was just too... too... I could almost hear his thoughts. "She's leaving things here!!!! I've got to figure out a way for her to take them back without hurting her feelings BECAUSE I don't want her leaving things here!!!!" I started coughing because I was laughing so hard. Charm had no clue about the way he sounded which made it even funnier. Since I travel back and forth to Kansas just about every other week I tend to leave things behind so I didn't notice that I was missing anything. Doubles and triples of necessary toiletries fill my bathroom and who knows how my pairs of pantyhose I own, but trust me from now whatever comes with me will leave with me.

I just got off the phone with Charm and realize that even though we've talked about not talking we still need to talk. How many more times could I have written the word talked in that sentence? Anyway, I feel like I'm in limbo again. UGH!!! Limbo with the divorce, with relocating, and now with Charm. I don't like having to wait for or having someone else make decisions about my life. Sooooo.... where do I go from here? If I really don't like having my life in someone else's hands then I guess I've got to figure out for myself what I'm going to do. I love the guy, and maybe I was in love with him very briefly but it doesn't look like it's returned in a similar fashion. Too bad..... he's a great guy, fun to be with, intelligent, considerate, a good father....

What do I do? No, I'm not asking for someone to me an answer. I'm talking to myself trying to figure this mess out. He's let his Frumster account lapse so I'm getting mixed signals. Maybe we both really should be dating other people? Maybe he's just not that into me... Maybe....
I'm rambling and probably will continue to do so until I make a decision. And yes, I know that not making a decision is also a decision.

Yesterday, I hit the speed dial for Charm by accident while driving with DB and searching for a juice box to give him. Uncle Kracker came on the radio. I love to sing and Charm ended up with a message of me doing just that. He told me that he thought I was trying to tell him something.

You don't know how you met me
You don't know why,
you can't turn around and say good-bye

And all you know is when I'm with you
I make you free
And swim through your veins like a fish in the sea
I'm singing....

Follow me
Everything is alright
I'll be the one to tuck you in at night
And if you want to leave I can guarantee
You won't find nobody else like me