Months Ago

Memories of months ago remembered as years of love and smiles
In our understanding through the ancient passion of others
My desire grows with my trust
And the future is nearer than the past

How I long for you without time interrupting;
An eternity of contentment and beatific smiles satisfied in your arms
But the fear crashes through the golden gates and darkens my hopes of forever
It surprised me with a quick return after I had banished it
Vanquished it with your understanding.

I dream of suffocating it with our happiness and together times
But it drags my heels reaching for my open heart.
I want to cut its claws but am afraid of amputating my own hands
Ghost pains of mistrust will only continue to hound me
Until I know what part of me I must fight
To win you

No Pressure

Haven't really given y'all the low down on Mr. Rose and his trip to Kansas. He has friends in Kansas, but it was easier all around to have him stay with some of my relatives. There were a lot of cousins interested in hosting him, but I wanted him to feel comfortable so I made sure he had his own floor including choice of bedrooms and bathroom.

I got into Kansas all gross from working and then traveling, and the first place I went was to see him. Points for Mr. Rose that he didn't run screaming for the hills. He then went on to tell me that I look better than my pictures. I beg to differ. I think he was just excited that I'm a real live person and not a figment of his imagination.

He had already sent me flowers, books, and music, but the next thing I know I have a box of chocolates in my hand and am told that I don't even need to share. WHOA!!! Y'all know how I feel about chocolate. Not only that he brought me more music, he has great taste, two toys for DB and... a brand new tool belt. That's the way to this woman's heart!!!

I like working with my hands... in numerous ways. Get your minds out of the gutters!! ;-) I crochet, knit, needlepoint, replace light fixtures, toilets, faucets, sinks, vanities, not to mention working on my car. I like to get my hands dirty. Believe it or not I have never owned a tool belt, and there have been many occasions when one would've come in handy, repairing the ceiling fan is just one of them.

All I can say is he really listens to me and then thinks about me when getting me something. Unbelievable. I'm blown away.

Well, he obviously feels something for me. He's been telling me in letters, phone calls, and now in person, but I'm a little uncomfortable. Things are moving way too fast on his part. Yes, Petey, I know I fall easily, but Mr. Rose has fallen harder and faster.

He was going to come to Oz for Shabbos, but we're slowing things down a bit. He's totally cool with that. WOW!!! Is he too good to be true?!?!?

Wasn't able to finish the post last night...

Stopped at Home Depot today. It's one of my favorite toy stores, and finally picked up a new ceiling fan for the kitchen. I was going to install it tonight after I changed the light switch in the bedroom, BUT had to go pick up DB from a sleepover party. He's still not comfortable quite yet sleeping at a friend's house. So I now owe Mr. Rose a nickel. I told him I could have the fan installed tonight and he bet against me.

It seems like he has an idea of who I am. He started talking about firemen, and how being stuck in Home Depot with one would make me a happy woman.

What's Next?

I was speaking to Mr. Rose on the phone today, and he told me check my mail when I got home. Then he quickly stated that he didn't send me flowers, and he wouldn't answer any of my questions about what it was that I should be looking for.

Waiting at my door was a package from Amazon. Books! He sent me books!!

WOW! First flowers and now books. This man definitely pays attention to what I like, plus there was another sweet note from him too.

Broken

Trying To Forget

I've been trying to forget him. It hasn't been working too well, but maybe now it will. It's good-bye.

I wrote these two posts before. I put one up and took it down... hoping.



Surprised

That he didn't say good-bye.

But should I be? What else am I to think?

There is so much to write and say that the words are stuck in my chest and have started climbing to my throat along with the ache. I won't allow it to go any further. I'll swallow it down. I won't allow myself to hurt like this. I won't have to worry about hanging in limbo.

Maybe it was all of my own making. Maybe I saw more in him than was really there. Maybe it's just not meant to be. Maybe he just discovered who I really was or thinks he has. Maybe he has too much going on. Maybe he's just too tired, lazy, afraid or doesn't feel what he thought was there. And maybe I shouldn't be coming up with excuses for him. He's just not that into me. That's it... plain and simple.

I opened myself up to him more than I have done with any other man I've known, felt more for him than I thought was possible. I'm glad I did. I hope he has a good life and will be happy. I know that I will.

Goodbye



I'm Not So Smart

Sometimes, I'm just not so smart. I don't need to be hit over the head with a baseball bat to realize that someone just doesn't feel the same way. Yeah, I'm beating myself up.

I just thought... I just thought he cared the way I did. It shouldn't hurt to know that he doesn't. It should make me feel better. It should make me feel relieved and even happy, but it doesn't. I'll miss him.

He made me smile and feel good inside. But then he also made me cry. I just wasn't going to do it in front of him. I never felt that way for someone, and there's no way in hell I'm going to let myself feel that way again. It just hurts too much.

I'm going to forget him, and everything about him.

I'm strong. I may not be smart sometimes, but I'm strong enough to get through this. And I'm not stupid enough to let myself get hurt like this again. I wish I didn't feel. I wish the pain would just leave the way he has. It hurts.

I know that I deserve someone who wants me. But you know what, I don't think I'm going to open myself up to that.

A New Friend

The man 11 years older than I am called me tonight to ask if I got anything today. I had a busy day and didn't get a chance to get the mail or see if the doorman had anything for me. While he was on the phone with me I went downstairs got the mail and.... two dozen gorgeous roses. The picture here doesn't even do them justice.

We haven't even gone out yet, and he wasn't being pushy at all. In fact he signed the card, "Your friend." The rest of the note said, "Thank you for being you and putting a smile on my face."

I opened the box up and tears immediately came to my eyes. Y'all know how much flowers mean to me and these are amazingly beautiful flowers. He told me that he chose the colors too, pink, red, orange, and lavendar in a red vase.

He has just given himself his name... Mr. Rose

btw-Mr. B made sure to call today, and tell me what a good time he had last night. He also wanted to make a date for tomorrow night, but I might be getting ready to go to Kansas.

Different Ways

There's always a way to do something. You just have to figure it out if it's important enough to you.

There's a way in and sometimes it's hard to find the way out.

There are many ways to say good-bye, and quite a few to say hello.

I've had a few new hello's recently. One is from a sweetheart of a man whom I spoke to last night for an hour and a half. Yeah, yeah, I know I was only supposed to talk to him for 15 minutes. It's obvious from this, and this that I have a pretty thick skull. BUT I'm working on it.

He's 11 years older than I am, but I didn't feel like he was an "old man". He sounds like fun and recently broke a finger playing basketball. I like that, not just because I've done that myself, but because he likes to have fun and do things.

Another hello came from someone 10 years younger than I am. It is hard for me not to doubt that he is really interested in dating me for marriage. But he said he has no problem with bringing me and DB home to his family. He was very open with me about some other things which made me believe what he was saying. BUT I still know that I am gullible and easily taken in so I'm just going to see what happens.

We had a good chat last night for about two hours. And I didn't feel any disparity between us because of the age difference. He called and left a message today to wish me Good Shabbos. I got a nice note from the older guy about our talk last night that also put a smile on my face.

Of course, these two new guys need names. I'll have to come up with something if I think they might be around for awhile. There also another man, but I don't know if he's still interested.

Don't ask me what I'm doing I'm not quite sure, and I don't want to rebound into any relationship. I still have feelings for Cowboy, but I'm trying my best to push them down.

I don't want to talk about him.

update: another man just contacted me hadn't heard from him in a week... he's 13 years older more later...

It Took Me A Minute

...or two or ten or actually an hour to figure it out. I thought you did something and it meant something. How could I have thought that??? Geez Louise!!!

If you were here....

Wish I Were Lucky

Lucky





In my heart... Rated R

Laughing

I just got off the phone with Petey and I'm still giggling. Our conversation went from subject of divorce to phantom sex to the CIA to Bamba, and I actually got him to laugh too.

Life is much easier when you can laugh at things that are so horrible they are unbelievable. Personally I prefer to laugh at just about everything including myself (some of the things I do are pretty ridiculous).

Which reminds me, I got my gas cap stolen today while I was at work. No, I didn't get gas on my way to work and have the serviceman forget to put it on. I was walking to my car after work and saw the gas door open. I checked and my gas cap was gone. The funny thing about it was that my car was completely unlocked and they could have taken anything they wanted.

What is even better is that I left my keys in the ignition. They could have taken the whole car. I couldn't stop laughing as I was driving home. The thought came to me that they realized the gas cap was worth more than the whole car so why bother taking the rest of it. This made me laugh even harder.

Do You Remember?

Do you remember what show this phrase is from and who used to say it?

Bee-dee, bee-dee, bee-dee...

For some strange reason Petey said "bee-dee" while we were talking today. We were both immediately reminded of a tv show we watched when we were younger, much younger.

You Know You're Tired When...

you're talking to your friend in Israel and you want to charge your phone so you won't have to worry about it dying on you tomorrow...


BUT just can't remember where you put it!!!


It appears that even though I'm not a blonde anymore some of the ditziness still remains.

Make The World Go Away

Eddy Arnold was a giant. Here's Martina singing and if I could I would to make you smile.

My Friend, Petey

I’m so silly, and I’m so lucky. I’m lucky that I have a good friend. Let’s call him Petey. He makes me laugh and always has, even though his jokes are so, so, so very horrible. He listens. And not only that he has the answers to my questions. That is a major feat!!!

Petey explains and reminds me of things that I should be able to know and remember by myself. My emotions sometimes get in the way. The funny thing is that sometimes we are both talking about someone or something completely different than what the other one thinks and yet his advice still seems to apply. It's obvious that we're both strange. Yes, Petey, you're strange, but you knew that already.

He helps me keep my head on straight, and not get into too much trouble. I get lectures sometimes (alright, about once a week) on different matters, and it doesn’t bother me in the least. It means he cares, and I appreciate it.

He gets me to laugh while I’m in the middle of crying. OK, OK, it’s not that difficult to do. And yes, I already know I’m weird. Just about everyone who's ever read my blog can attest to that.

I guess the real reason for this post is so that I can say, "Thank you, Petey. And I'll bet you a nickel you never figure out why I called you that."

btw- Your offer to call blew me away.

He Called

He called. Cowboy that is.

But don't ask me what's going on. I don't think either of us know.

It was enough for now just to hear the voice I love so much.

Friends Don't Let Friends Write Sleepy (I mean "while sleepy" Just another reason why.)

When it's late at night I get more emotional not to mention the fact that this increases with the amount of sleep that I have gone without. It's not like I'm drunk just a helluva lot more emotional. In case y'all didn't notice, I'm an emotional person to begin with.

I got back to Oz yesterday evening, but I couldn't sleep because of the caffeine that I had earlier in the day. The night before I was up late doing laundry otherwise I never would've had the caffeine to begin with. So even though I was wired, I was also exhausted. It's kind of difficult to think straight like that, and of course, I felt the need to write out my emotions.

Actually, what I think I need to do is wait a day before I post, talk to someone or get emotional when I'm tired. Now I understand the sayings; Let me sleep on it, and Things will look different in the morning.

btw-last week I didn't get too much sleep... not an excuse, just an explanation

Needless to say, I shouldn't even be posting this.

Am I... When I...

Swallowing Tears

How do you swallow the tears to numbness
Forgetting what was there
The joy lifting you above is now shoved down
with the pain
Silent drops escape and my chest is sore
from being ripped in two.
In the sun it is easier to pretend life is fine
but at night it will not be contained
and flows into a river of hurt down the worn tread of thrown away dreams
memories of what could have been follow my footsteps dodging my happiness
trying to forget what never existed
my tired eyes cannot see the future
clouded by visions of unknown ecstasy
the knot gets stuck in my throat and will not go down easily
pulling us with it.

Whatever I Feel Like

Some of you have asked what's been going on with me and Cowboy. I can't really tell you because I don't really know, and I bet you he's reading this thinking the same thing.


I've just decided to do whatever I feel like doing (and saying). If it's a problem, I'm sure I'll hear about it. He's rarely at a loss for words, although, I'm almost certain it does happen on occasion. ;-)

Tired

That's what I am... plain old tired. Some intense emotions, not too much sleep last night, and then the drive to Kansas.

I was just too tired to lug home the basketball hoop and set it up tonight. I'll do it tomorrow morning when I'm probably just as tired, but after I've had a nice shower to wake me up.