Summer Nights

It's warm out tonight. The sky isn't that dark yet. It's all blue, a light sky color, to royal, to a deep midnight blue. It's part of my favorite time of night. I love the color blue. The stars are out and I recognize Orion in the familiar place it takes in the summer sky at this time of year.

I used to have a hammock, and in the warm weather instead of sitting on the glider in DB's room and reading his bedtime stories, he would lie cuddled next to me on it under the stars with the three books chosen for that night. When it was really warm out we would go out with his hair still wet from his bath and it would keep us both cool. Once or twice he fell asleep while we did this, and I just stayed there for an hour or two looking up at the stars feeling content that my darlin' boy was peaceful and next to me.

I hadn't thought about this for awhile. DB is bigger now. He doesn't fit that well on my lap when I'm on the glider so we read in his bed. The stories are also different; The Count of Monte Cristo, The Last Of The Mohicans, but Dr. Seuss hasn't left the group quite yet, although Green Eggs And Ham, and Hop On Pop have.

I know that if DB weren't dyslexic I wouldn't be reading him any bedtime stories at all. That's about the only good thing that I can see in him being dyslexic. There are times now when he wants to "read" something on his own, and the occasions that I sing to him our repertoire of lullabies are also decreasing.

He's growing up... beautifully. I remember the day I walked into his room in the morning and he was standing up for the first time holding onto the crib rails with a big grin of accomplishment on his face. It took me all of a minute to grab my camera and record it for posterity, but I didn't really need to. Closing my eyes, I can still see that sweet face smiling at me.

His manners are also improving. I wrote improving, after all he is a boy and a child, but yesterday I didn't need to remind him to hold open the door for Bubbi and to say thank you. We stopped in a gallery and DB stood talking to the owner about Chagall, texture and color and how he paints. He is so grown up for a little munch, but the next moment he was discussing who is a stronger alien in the cartoon Ben 10 (tv show he watches with his dad), and acting out what the character does.

He's a special boy, and I'm so lucky to be his mom. I hope all you other mom's (including mr. moms) enjoy your children and have a Happy Mother's Day.

Very Talented

Y'all know that I'm talented at hurting myself in weird ways. What I haven't told you is that I'm very talented at making a mess too. My mother used to and still does call me a tornado. When I was growing up she was constantly telling me, "Why can't you be neat like your brother?" Ugh! If anything, that pushed me in the opposite direction of what she wanted. Max is my younger brother and just hearing that I should be like him was a blow to my ego. Plus the fact that he would rub it in my face later on.

Another reason I balked at cleaning my room was because my mom would tell me to do it. When someone tells me to do something that is a sure indication that I won't. I know that it's not the most mature behavior and I'm working on it. I just respond better to being asked. Of course she probably did ask me repeatedly, and when that didn't work she had to tell me to do it.

I would turn around and glare at her. "It's my room. Why can't I keep it the way I like?!!!!" I would stomp my feet as hard as possible up the steps to let her know my displeasure and then slam my door. I'd turn up my music loud enough to annoy her, but not quite loud enough to have her come to my room and yell at me to turn it down. I made sure that she was able to hear the words and I played the hell out of my Pink Floyd, The Wall tape.

I am laughing as I hear her voice in my head telling me not to speak to her that way. I say the same thing to DB when he uses those words to tell me he prefers to have everything he owns on the floor. And I realize that those many times I stormed up those stairs might have contributed to the creaks in them.

My mom finds it very funny that DB can destroy a neat room in the same amount or possibly even less time than I could/can. I know that she's thinking payback. But I get the last laugh when DB and I go to Kansas for Shabbos. We leave a wake in our trail as soon as we walk in the door... at least, now I clean up without her telling me too.

Another Year

...has passed. I'm not the only one celebrating, and here's my favorite post by Jack for his second linkversary. And HAPPY HALF-BIRTHDAY TO ME!

Since I feel ten years younger than I am and tend to forget my own birthday on occasion, I'm finding it kind of amusing to read the couple more serious comments about Gretel's b-day.

I don't mind getting older. I don't really feel older except that I have more crazy stories to tell about my life, and I'm glad to be getting older. My mom named me after her mother who was nifter before she even reached 50, and birthdays in my family are most definitely celebrated for the life-affirming events they are.

Tagged!

I was tagged by Frum House to do "the eight". This post took much longer than expected because I felt the need to explain my choices which is really another one of my passions... understanding the reason why about something.


8 passions in my life:

My family, especially DB - This means being a good daughter, sister, aunt, cousin and most importantly a good mother, and being a good mother includes not talking bad about DB's father to or around DB

Sex/men - Enjoying, appreciating, accepting and understanding (well, trying to understand) the differences between men and women and revelling in them.

Smiling/being able to laugh at most anything

Children - being with them, sometimes acting like one and viewing the world through their eyes

Reading - It was an escape for me when I was a child and I didn't want to/wasn't able to face the hurt in the world. It still is. Plus books are a source of knowledge and "if you can read a book you can do anything" - CR's mom

Judging someone favorably. You never know what they're going through or have been through.

Enjoying the world around me and being thankful for the ability to enjoy it which includes sunsets, water, wind, people

loving unconditionally and often - most definitely includes hugs and kisses... yummy.

If I could add something here it would be manners. They show that you respect, care about and are considerate of the people around you.


8 things I often say:

I don't know. What do you think? Let's go look it up. - I say this to DB to show him that adults don't know everything... no one does and that there's nothing wrong with admitting it, but then you have to go find the answer.

I'm not promising, but I'll do my best. - I DO NOT promise!!! I've been disappointed to many times by people who have promised things to me and I will not hurt anyone the same way.

Stooooooop it!!!! - said with laughter in my voice

OK, I admit it. You're right.

Bet you a nickel - in my family the most we bet, actually the only amount we bet is a nickel.

I was wrong. I'm sorry. - I say this to people when I'm wrong (No duh, CR), and that includes DB. I want him to understand that everyone deserves an apology even children.

All I care about is that you tried your best. - The result (sometimes) doesn't matter if you have tried and tried to do your best at something.

Thank you, Hashem. - I say this when I find something, when I see DB's smile, when I realize just how lucky I am, whenever and wherever.


8 books I read recently:

Time Travel in Einstein's Universe: The Physical Possibilities of Travel Through Time by J. Richard Gott - I am a geek and am actually enjoying learning physics or some of the concepts. This book explains how and if certain famous science fiction stories of time travel could work or not work.

Chofetz Chaim A Daily Companion; The Concepts and Laws of Proper Speech

Brother Odd by Dean Koontz. - I really enjoy his books. OK, that's an understatement. They are filled with love, determination, facing your fears, humor, and belief in the human race.

The EVERYTHING Parent's Guide to Children With Dyslexia by Abigail Marshall. - An amazing book that's filled with so much useful information about understanding and helping a child with dyslexia

If I Ran The Zoo by Dr. Seuss. - DB's choice for a bedtime story last night.

Pride And Prejudice by Jane Austen - I'm a sucker for romance.

Between Parent And Child by Dr. Haim G. Ginott revised and updated - A wonderful parenting book that teaches among other things not to blame just to acknowledge and move forward.

New York Civil Practice Law and Rules (2003 Redbook) and case law regarding divorce and child custody issues. I wish I was able to afford LexisNexis online. It would make my life so much easier. And yes, I know I need a newer version of the CPLR.


8 songs that mean something to me:

I Love You A Bushel And A Peck from Guys And Dolls - My mother still sings it to me and just about everyone else. I've adopted the practice and have passed it down to DB and some of his cousins.

Put Your Shoes On, Lucy by Petula Clark - We sing it when we are getting dressed and getting ready to go out.

Marine Corp Anthem - My father used to sing it to my brother and me as a lullaby.

It's An Outrage! from Oklahoma! - DB sings it by heart and with the exact accents, tones, inflections and actions as the actors.

My Little Boy words and music by my mom. - It was originally titled My Little Pearl but when my brother was born she would sing it to him as My Little Boy. I've added another verse specifically for DB.

Now Run Along Home And Jump Into Bed - My mother would sing it to us as the first lullaby of the night. She usually continued with at least one more song when putting us to sleep as children.

Everything Is Going To Be Alright music and words by my mom. The explanation about why I love this song is in this post.

Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond - Thursday nights cooking for Shabbos and dancing around the kitchen with my momand brother.


8 Qualities I look for in a friend:

Non-judgemental/acceptance

loving (which means giving of yourself without expecting anything in return)

making yourself available

sense of humor/fun-loving

understanding or trying to understand

ability to listen

kindness/caring

forgiveness


8 people I tag:

Tr8ergirl
Chaverah
Ellie
Curly Girl
Sarah
Shosh
Jack
Smoo
Lubab

I've realized that most of what I've written in this post has to do with being an example for DB so that he will one day grow up to be a happy, loving, considerate, caring man surrounded by others who feel the same for him.

Everything Is Going To Be Alright

When I was little (and not so little) my mother used to sing a song to me. She would only sing it when she was holding me and rocking me back and forth while tears were dripping down my face. I sing this song to DB when he's crying, and it calms him down. I hold him in my arms and rock him.

Everything is gonna be alright
alright, alright
Every little thing is going to be alright

My mother told me something that really touched me. She said that she used to sing that song to make herself feel better while she held me or my brother and was comforting us. I completely understand.

My heart aches when DB cries. I'm not talking about the crying because of scraped hands or that his lego creation broke. I'm also not referring to the fake tears he sheds (very rarely) when he can't get some new Yugioh cards or the like. The crying I'm referring to is sobbing, break your heart frustration, hurting, help me mommy, tears. These are usually the ones you can do nothing about except to hold your child, and in your heart ask Hashem to take away his pain.

I find it difficult not to cry when I sing DB the song my mother sang to me. I sing it not just as a comfort to him. It's a prayer that I am saying asking for everything to be all right for my child, and to make his life better.

I have tears in my eyes slowly dripping onto my cheeks while I write this, and it's hard for me to swallow. Sometimes my throat catches when I sing this to DB. I think of my mother and my son.

I went through some very difficult times as a child and teenager. Now I know what it feels like from the mother's side, and I can still remember what it felt like as a child.

This post is not a sad one even though it's about pain and tears. It's about comfort and love. It's about relief and knowing that everything will be "alright." I can hear my mother's voice singing it to me right now.

Bowling With DB

Considering we didn't actually go anywhere for a vacation, like the beach or on a trip, DB and I had a great time in Kansas. We went to the state fair with Saba and saw Swifty The Swimming Swine. Yup, a pig that swims. And believe it or not the pig that had the stall next to Wilbur and won the blue ribbon was there. GIGANTIC HUGE, AND TREMENDOUS are understatements when you describe this porker.

There were three different fun houses to get lost in and we got to pretend we were Superman on a ride where we lied down and flew through the air in circles. The bumper cars were so much fun and we were out to get each other. As soon as it finished we ran back to the entrance and jumped into the same cars we had before. The lines for the rides were non-existent since we went in the middle of the day; not too many people there. DB and his friend that came along each won a stuffed animal and it only took them each one try. The boys couldn't have been happier to spend time together and they walked around bumping into each other on purpose, hitting each other on the head and punching each others' arms.


Yesterday, we saw Ratatouille, went out to dinner and watched fireworks rain down on us in celebration of Bubbi's b-day. Today DB and I went bowling together. He got a spare and Woo Hoo!!! He was jumping down the lane to let everyone there know. Don't forget the stars, constellations and satellites we saw Sunday night. Shabbos was kind of low key which worked out ok because DB's allergies knocked him for a loop. Swollen itchy eyes and a stuffy nose does not a happy kid make. But he did get to beat me at Foosball twice, and he wouldn't let me forget it.


I'm finally getting tired so I think I'll get some rest before taking DB to the allergist in a few hours. Too sleepy to write about the school issue and if he's going and where... oh! there's a new man on the horizon with blue eyes and blonde hair. And I might be spending Shabbos with a fellow blogger... really I have to get some sleep. Sorry about grammar or spelling mistakes a little too tired to check. pleasant dreams

B'Sha'a Tova (In Good Time, At The Right Time)

Wonderful News delivered on my brother's b-day no less. I'm going to be an aunt again... for the seventh time. It's been about two years since the last boy was born. They're all boys and I'm jealous. Not in the way that I wish I could take this joy from them and give it to me, but in the way that I want to have more children too.

I've been thinking about that lately, and whether or not I will actually have the guts to get pregnant one day even if I'm not married. Don't get me wrong. I want to get married (at least I do today), but if it doesn't happen I don't want to lose the chance to have more children while waiting for Mr. Right (let's be realistic, Mr. Almost-Right).

I had a miserable pregnancy with DB and yes, I would suffer through it all over again. First there was the fear of miscarriage. The doctor didn't want to call my first visits (for DB) pregnancy visits until we were able to see the heartbeat and my blood levels were up. It's because of the mis that I had.

The doctor was doing the first ultrasound on my first pregnancy (before DB) and there was an empty sac. He was put on the spot and felt so bad telling us. Then stbx got tears in his eyes and I had to comfort him and make the doctor feel more at ease. This was during the eleventh week. I think I was in denial and shock. He asked me if I wanted to wait until it happened naturally and I immediately replied that if it wasn't a baby I wanted it out of me. I didn't want to feel pregnant if I wasn't. That was just too hard. So it was scheduled to take place less than a week. I also had the choice of having it done in the hospital or his office. Since the office could be scheduled quicker that's what I chose.

I was fine for the first few weeks after and then it hit.... and hard. The babies, the children, the families all ripped at my heart. One of the things that I had always known about myself was that I was born to be a mom. I have this connection with children and babies, and everyone who knows me agrees. Maybe it's their innocence and unconditional love.

Anyway, the job I had made it even harder. I saw children and pregnant women every day usually every hour. The fact that no one knew made it even harder. Stbx could've cared less, "Get over it. It happened weeks ago." I didn't even try to explain it to him. Useless to do so, and I was starting to recognize that. I did tell one co-worker when it was just too much one day and someone (actually most of the customers) had asked me when I was finally going to have a child. I smiled and turned away with tears in my eyes. I had to leave for awhile and I came back with the three dots that shape a triangle that I get on my upper right cheek near my eye whenever I cry.

It was a release to finally let someone else know. Of course, after I had DB and was talking to friends of mine and other new moms in the community I discovered that almost all of them had had miscarriages and that half of them had a miscarriage in their first pregnancy. WHOA!!! If only the doctor would've told me or if there was even an article about it at the mikva. Because you don't discuss this with people when you're trying... then they know you're trying and ask you how it's going. I would've felt hundreds of times better if I knew this. To this day I am still finding out about people having miscarriages on their first and second tries. I'm also finding out that it hurts just as much even when you already have two children.

Then there was the weight gain and morning sickness. I wasn't vomiting so I gained ninety (yes, nine zero) lbs. The only things I could eat were white bread, potato chips, noodles, sour cream, bologna and potatoes-white potatoes for the first 4 1/2 months. I couldn't sleep or stand because of the nausea and the only way to stop it was to actually be chewing and swallowing. I had to go into a separate room if people wanted to eat anything other than those items.

I also had amniocentesis done, but no one told me that most women experience cramping after it. That was scary. Then there was some bleeding and I was hospitalized and had to take it easy after that. Finally after 24 hours of labor, three of which involved pushing without an epidural and while on pitocin (it makes the contractions so much harder) and trying every possible position to get that baby out of me. I asked for a knife because I was ready to cut him out myself then and there. Don't mess with a woman in delivery. I felt a contraction coming and ORDERED the anesthesiologist to hold my foot so I could push. He just looked at me until I YELLED at him to "HOLD MY FOOT!!!" Then he couldn't move fast enough.

Finally after the c-section the darlin' boy was born, albeit with his skull rubbed raw from where he had been trying to get past my tailbone. It stayed that way for a week until it finally scabbed over. Back labor isn't fun for anyone involved.

Anyway... I forgot what I was writing about... Oh! Wanting more kids... HA! Even after all that and a couple months of colic, I do... I really do want to have more children. I have so much love to give and share. I used to feel bad that DB didn't have a sibling to go through this horrible divorce with, but if he had who knows if I would've been able to help him as much and to discover his learning issues.

btw - DB is extremely bright and I don't want to just focus on his weaknesses like reading and writing. I want to also push his strengths... any type of reasoning, logic, spatial etc. Anyone have any ideas how to do this??? I'll probably have to get some more books, and do some more reading to figure out how to work on this.

Feels Like Home

Yup, I packed up and drove us to Kansas again. As I was driving down I mentioned to DB that the books I just bought for him came from a store on the way and that some of them only cost fifty cents. "Please, mom, please can we stop. I can pay you back. I have allowance money." I can't resist a child who wants to go buy some books so we stopped. I let him pick out anything he wanted and told him he didn't have to pay me back. It only cost me about four bucks and he had a grin that wouldn't leave his face for the last hour of the drive.

Shavuos was fantastic.... relaxed, laid back, learning with DB, cheesecake, eating outside in the shade with about thirty family members who were all happy to spend time together... and that was only the first day. DB looked gorgeous in his linen shorts and shirt. The sweater vest he wore reminded me of a tennis sweater. His hair is getting blonder from all the time he has been spending outside in Kansas. The family that moved in next door to Bubbi has a little boy the same age. They have completely hit it off and are now best buddies and enjoy playing in the grass with their guns, cannons, lasers, arrows, spears (you get the picture... they're little boys) they make out of Kinex, Lego, branches and anything else they get their hands on.

Today's lunch was with other family members. Cousins upon cousins. They came back with us and brought some friends. We played $25,000 pyramid again. I thought I would get some sleep but they dragged me downstairs in my pajamas to fight over which team I was going to join. The little ones ran in and out of the house from the swing set to the freezer (popsicles) and back again. I really couldn't have asked for anything nicer except maybe someone special to share this with me.

Which brings me to the two new guys I wrote to on Frumster. Chassidish has a smile that beams sunshine into your life. I had noticed him before, but never wrote to him... he's younger and I wasn't sure if I wanted to initiate contact when I have stuff going on with Denver and Willing. But I'm a sucker for smiling eyes and boy does he have them. Mon. night I just couldn't resist any longer...

Chassidish wrote back immediately and we stayed up late writing back and forth to one another only for me to find out that he is not able to relocate to Kansas. He seemed as disappointed as I was and sort of left the door open for me to start something anyway. I just wished him well and told him that if I knew of anyone for him I would send her his way. He said he would do the same for me.

Disappointed I checked out the other people who were still up and found Geek. A description he used of himself. There wasn't a picture and he is three years younger, but when I read his profile I smiled. I decided to save time and came right out and asked him if he dates older women. Geek wrote back before yontif and is thinking about it. He's not sure about a ready made family, but since he felt a connection with me he's considering dating me. This was without him even seeing my picture. Wow! I got to see his and he doesn't look like any geek I've ever met. I'm not sure what will happen, but I am looking forward to getting to know him better. I'm much more interested in him than in Denver and Willing... there was just something about his writing that appealed to me even before I saw his picture.

Wonderful, Terrible Time

It always happens and yes, I am aware that I used the word always. That is because I can't remember a time during these past ____ years of the divorce that within a day or two of something fantastic happening, something horrible happens. At this point in time you would think that I am prepared and aware that something bad is going to take place.

OK, OK, I'll tell you what it is. Bad news first or good news first? I prefer the bad news then I can feel better when I hear the good news.... so here we go... uhh... changed my mind I'll go in chronological order.

Shabbos in Kansas was absolutely a blast!!!! Of course, driving down with no a/c in a minivan wasn't too much fun. Then the brakes started acting up right as we got to my mom's. But ice cream makes everything better. We weren't able to get the car to the shop before Shabbos, but I let it go and decided not to worry about something I had no control over.

Shabbos day was abosutely gorgeous. DB was outside in the a.m and then two of his buddies came over. One lives next door and is his age. He's new the neighborhood and DB and he have hit it off. Shabbos afternoon was a riot. The cousins came over with some friends. You see, my mom's home in Kansas has on open door policy. What that means is that she loves when everyone comes over and everyone (family, friends, friends of family members) knows this and feels welcome. DB and I beat two of his older cousins and their friends at $25,000 Pyramid. Bubbi (my mom) was the mc. Her face got so red from laughing and then all of us couldn't stop laughing. These guys were/are soooooooo competitive and started arguing over every little thing. It was too funny and we were all having a great time.

Then it started to pour and pour so they were stuck until after Shabbos and not a single one of us was upset about it. We played gin, and pool. And yes, my mother's house is a veritable game room.

OH!!! I got my mother's day present on Shabbos. DB brought it to the table during lunch.

Mother's Day was wonderful too. I cleaned the house the whole day. Well, that part wasn't wonderful, but I know my mom appreciated it. Finally, when two of the cousins came early. I got in the shower. Everyone was there. OK, Almost everyone, some cousins drove for over three hours just to be at the barbecue. HOLY MOLY!!! We had tables set up outside and the temp. was perfect with just a light breeze, no mosquitoes or bees or any other kind of bugs (much to DB's disappointment).

The kids were on the play set, in the woods, playing catch, and walking around with dirty faces. You could tell that the food was good; the kids faces were stained all different colors, not to mention their clothes. As a matter of fact I think most of us had at least one stain on a shirt or skirt from those sticky grubby hands. No one wanted to leave. There was no need really. We had a minyan. But when it started getting dark and little eyelids started drooping it was time to go. Then it was clean up time. I fell asleep as soon or maybe even before my head hit the pillow.

I know that I should finish this now, but I'm exhausted. The cleaning, more cleaning, packing, driving, unloading, unpacking and then the not so good stuff has kind of left me just a little tired. I'll try to finish this up tonight... but I'm not promising 'cause I've gotta go shoot some hoops with da' boy.

to be continued..........

Boy, Am I Happy!

That's right I'm happy... grinning from ear to ear... DB is back. I missed him soooooo much. Having him in my arms made the world right.

I picked him up from his father's and then off we went back to Kansas. That's a lot of driving for one day and I wished that I could take a nap just like DB did within a half hour of us being on the road. Looking at his sleeping face in the rearview mirror almost brought me to tears. Just beneath the surface of that big boy face, I could see the little baby one that I used to look at sleeping in his crib... the sweet chin... the dark lashes brushing his cheeks. I wish I could take care of him and protect him from the world, but that's not possible. Instead I hope that I am giving him the strength, resilience, and confidence that he can get through anything and still find the joy and beauty that the world has to offer.

When we got to Kansas he behaved so beautifully, held the door for Zaidy when he was bringing in groceries. Said thank you to Saba for the new pin for his baseball hat. (It's a Marine baseball hat heavy with ribbons and pins that my dad gives to him each time we're down. OORAH!!!)
And made sure to give Bubbi tons of hugs and kisses.

Boy, do I love this boy!!



DATING UPDATE:

There's a new guy to add to the field and he lives in Denver but is willing to relocate. WOW! I can't believe that there are now two guys willing to relocate. Denver is extremely intelligent, but I don't know if a spark is there or not. I've spoken to him a couple of times now. In CR terms, that means at least an hour conversation each time. He's very well read, extremely well read, and has a love of books that rivals mine including science fiction. And has already sent me an e-mail after we last talked, and will be calling after Yontif even though we've talked about DB and his father and all the issues involved.

NM is still trying to convince me not to relocate, but I've made sure that he understands that it's just going to be one date. He wants it to take place as soon as possible. So maybe even this coming Wednesday night. We've been speaking several times a day. I am not the one doing the calling he is.

Mr. Willing wrote me before Pesach that he is going away, but will contact me as soon as he's back.

It's difficult keeping track of everyone. It helps to write it down. I'm thinking of putting my picture under password again. I'm really not that great at juggling, and I can't remember who I've told what to. Bud's been great, and he's really helping me focus on what's important. Gotta love The Buuuuuud.

One happy mom saying, Good Yontif, Chag Sameach, and all that stuff...... :)

Falling.... For Flowers

I love flowers. I really do. I love paintings of flowers and knowing the different types by names and what time of year they bloom. I love open fields blanketed in rainbows gone wild.... I love giving them, planting them, picking them, and arranging them. I love the smiles that appear on strangers faces when you walk down the street with a bouquet.... but being given flowers is what I love the most (even more so if they're unexpected).

In the summer, DB picks dandelions by the handful and brings them to me. When we're in "Kansas" and he's through playing in the dirt searching for fossils and bugs in Bubbi's backyard he'll pick some of the flowers from her garden. They peek out from behind his back and he tells me to quickly shut my eyes. "NO PEEKING!" When I open them he has a beatific smile on his sweaty face and with his arm thrust straight out says "These are for you Mommy. Smell them." After I take them from his grubby hand, I sniff deeply, bend down, look in his eyes and tell him that they are the most beautiful and best smelling flowers ever, ever. I give him a hug and a kiss, and the aroma of the fresh cut grass sticking to his skin drifts around us. He wriggles out of my arms while I brush his hair back and dust the dirt off his knees. Then off he goes with a skip in his step, his chest stuck out proud, searching for more.

The thoughts of flowers came to mind because Charm brought me some. No, he didn't bring them as an apology. He most definitely hadn't done something wrong. And no, it wasn't my birthday, and wasn't a "Happy Anniversary, we've been dating for three months" because it hasn't even been three months. It wasn't because I was feeling down.... I've been me... very happy (since I realized what was bugging me and I let it go ). And it was most certainly not because he was "trying to get lucky"..... he knew very well he would be getting lucky (it was mikvah night). BOY, did he get lucky.... And he didn't even tell me he was bringing me something.

I haven't gotten flowers from someone over the age of eight.... in years and years.... never got them for my birthday, anniversaries, Shavuos, when I was sick, and not even when DB was born. In order to have flowers for Shabbos, I would have to go out and buy them. Yes, I dropped hints, subtle and not so subtle, but it didn't work. UGH!!!! It sounds so.... so pathetic. That's a good description for the marriage. Let's stop talking about that and get back to the fact that I GOT FLOWERS!!!!! YAY!!!!!

You wouldn't believe how I felt. I was kind of surprised at how it touched me. The flowers made me feel thought of, special, feminine, and un-mommylike. Getting a little teary just thinking about it. Yeah, yeah it's just flowers, but it means more to me than just that.... plus, I'm a girl and we are allowed to get emotional and NOOOOO!!! I'm not "pms"ing.

It's these little things that Charm does like open the door for me, comment on what I'm wearing, give me chocolate (godiva chocolate, no less) and bring me flowers. "He likes me, he really likes me" OK, I know I'm sounding kind of dorky and mushy and well......

Am I falling....... just because of........ flowers??