Lots Going On

I heard from Mr. B tonight, and he really wants to go out again. BUT he understands that I have a lot going on right now. It was very considerate and understanding of him... so maybe I'll think about it. In the meantime, we're just going to be friends.

I had a wonderful Shabbos with Mr. Rose. He's a good, sweet man, but I just don't know. We went out Sat. night too. Of course I had to prove how amazingly graceful I was and fell off some bleachers (onto the grass). At least ,there was no blood just some bruises and a red face.

BGB also called tonight and we had fun talking for awhile. It looks like we might get together sometime soon.

And I really have to get back to someone on Frumster who wanted to set me up with a friend of his. GEEZ LOUISE!!! Just when I don't have time everyone is interested. WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?!??!?

I'm Back

...and the gloves are coming off!!!

We're going to trial in May. The ex and his attorney should be prepared because there aren't going to be any settlement negotiations. The Administration for Children's Services (ACS), formerly known as Child Protective Services, opened and is in the middle of another investigation about the ex and how he treats DB.

If you know of any tehillim lists, I would greatly appreciate you adding DB to them. Shlomo Yitzchak ben Feiga Rochel.

Thank you

Remember Me?

Yeah, yeah. I know I haven't posted in awhile. Haven't wanted to, been very busy, and couldn't think of what to write. Of course, that hasn't changed much right now, but fingers have been itching... so here I am.

Actually, I'm in the middle of two, no, three posts. But I think I'm just going to ramble for a bit, and let you know what I've been doing lately. Drum roll please.... I lost 9 pounds. YAY!!! Only 20 more to go. I am fitting into some more of my clothes, and will be jumping onto the treadmill after I finish writing this. It's not so much the weight as it is the way I feel in my skin, and how fit I am.

I haven't been so interested in dating lately, but that doesn't mean that my sex drive has dissipated in any way. C'mon, it's me we're talking about here. There's a guy or two out there, but that doesn't necessarily mean marriage. While we're on the topic, my rug burn has healed, and is now only a pinkish red mark going down my forehead. Any advice out there for how to get that to go away. It looks like I was burned... ok, ok I was burned, but how do I get it to look like the rest of my skin.

Then there's the issue of my broken glasses. Don't even ask how that happened, but yes, it's somwhere along those lines that you're thinking.



I've been having mega weird and vivid dreams lately. One of them had a 6'5" guy help me out. Yes, I know his height. Don't ask me why, but I knew it in my dream. He was sweet and strong... just the way I like them.

I did some reading over Shabbos, but what's new about that? I only read two books though. Both of them were by Dean Koontz. I like the ones where he has a character in the book say things that are so out of place that it makes me laugh out loud. I know I've written about his books before, but they really resonate with me. Horrible, and boy, do I mean horrible things happen to the people in his books, but they don't give up hope that tomorrow will be better.

OY!!!! I know I sound like an innocent pollyanna, but I'd much rather that than a bitter cynic. Now, I have a picture in my head of Pollyanna as a bitter cynic and it's making me laugh. Don't even... you guys already know I'm weird. I've never tried to hide that fact from you.

I now own a blackberry, and have been very busy with it. I've discovered how to bypass certain things and am now able to im from it. Not only that, I didn't break it or mess up it's operating system when I did it. I think it may even like me, but I'm trying not to jinx myself. The best thing about it was the fact that it was free. Y'all know how things are tight for me.

Well, I had actually come to the end of my 2 year contract, and I knew that I needed to get a new phone because I had dropped my old one quite a few times (understatement) and it was dying. The problem is that I couldn't get a phone with a camera. The ex (so nice to write ex instead of stbx) is still trying to control me, and he has enough money to keep me in court for quite a long time. His attorney must love having him for a client.

In case you didn't know, you aren't allowed to bring any kind of camera into the court house (any court house) let alone the court room. So I didn't have much choice when it came time to picking out a new phone. That's when the salesguy suggested a blackberry, and I've been hooked ever since.

That's about it for now, I've got to go to the car and take out a mattress. A friend of mine was moving and asked if I could use one. DB had just started mentioning that his bed wasn't so comfortable so now he'll be a happy camper.

btw-squeaky isn't going to be squeaky for much longer. I'm going to have a new tensioner and belt put on her this week so you won't be able to hear us coming from miles away.

I'm OK

There's a lot going on. OBVIOUSLY!! So I might be a little angry, upset, or down... and of course, busy. I'm learning how to do an interlocutory appeal now. Geez Louise!!! I've done things some attorneys haven't. Absolutely bonkers!! But that's life... at least, that's my life.

I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried, and I have a pretty good imagination.

Gotta go make some more phone calls and straighten up the apt.

Stuck In Hell

the system
can be worked
if you know who to pay
if you know what to say

the system
is a lie
of justice
without conscience

the system
is for the strong
not the young
and their protectors

the system
was built
to serve people
not crush them

the system
is hell
and there is no release
unless given
by the system

Rambling Thoughts

I know I haven't written in awhile. I wanted to, but just really didn't have anything to say, or is it that I had something to say, but didn't really want to write... maybe a little of both combined with working and filling out forms and getting DB ready for school.

I finally decided to start typing and just see where it takes me. Wouldn't it be nice if it could take me to a new home (albeit not in Kansas) where everything is unpacked and I had room for all my documents to stay neat even as I went through them. I can see myself working on my appeal. I need to get that in motion. Yeah, yeah I know the decision still hasn't even been ordered yet, but I'm ready. This isn't a decision for relocation it's about the divorce and some monetary issues. It's a shame that in order for me to get my money I have to spend more on an appeal. At least I can do the appeal on my own. It's not usual to have argument time in civil appeal cases especially divorce ones.

Anyway I'm sure my appeal will be granted and either decided or sent back to the lower court with instructions. I know what case law I need to bring and I have all my exhibits including previous court orders that were not followed.

I just realized that I have to consider myself lucky that I know (I've learned along the way) that I should appeal and that I know how to do it. I can't imagine being one of those women who don't know that they could win their case in appeal thinking that the lower courts ruling is always upheld in appeal.

It's a shame that appeals are so expensive. They should have a waiver of fees and a way to have the appeal printed without costing hundreds of dollars. In civil court you can be declared a poor person and the fees to file are waived why isn't that the same in appeals court? Or maybe it is and I just don't know. Something to look into. Have to call the clerk at the appeals court tomorrow. It's not like they would be inundated by appeals maybe there would be a 40% increase in the beginning. But if the lower courts realized that their decisions are being scrutinized and overturned I'm sure that they would rule more according to case law, and then the appeals would decrease.

Major point-just because someone wants to appeal doesn't automatically mean they are given the right to do so and that is also a deterrent to frivolous cases.

Enough about law.... although, it's obviously on my mind.

I've also been thinking about dating. Actually about not dating. Just not interested... for a couple of reasons; most of the guys that I have met have something very off about them (present company always excluded) and by saying met, meaning corresponded with and spoken over the phone for the most part. I haven't gone on that many dates. WOW! It will be coming up on a year soon from the time that I first decided to get my act together and start dating.

Mr. Right is nowhere to be found and I don't think I would recognize him right now even if he was wearing a suit of shining armor, riding a white horse and swept me off my feet. I've got too many other things going on. Plus I'm just not a little disillusioned with you men, right now (don't make me say it again.... ok, ok, present company is always excluded!!!) Yup, I just realized that I wrote you men as opposed to men and then tried to cancel it with the present company thing. Think of it what you will...

I feel like a whining spoiled three year old who wants what she wants and wants it now! Ugh! What a horrible picture I painted of myself.....

Enough of feeling down... but I guess I need to get some of it out of my system. I haven't spoken to Gretel lately. She was away at camp for the summer and I haven't spoken to Doll either, and now that I think about it I owe another hardworking mom friend a call. I haven't decided what to call her in my blog.... she has such a great name to begin with. Let's see how about... ummmmm.... well, let's describe her and then maybe something will come to mind. She's very intelligent... she's told me her job and title several times and I still am not sure exactly what she does. She's kind, caring, loyal and is always there if I need her... I've got it True Blue. Thanks, Dan. TB for short... ok that doesn't look like it will fit I don't want to be reminded of tuberculosis when I think of her.

Just realized that I haven't been in much contact with any of my friends who are girls. I was too busy focusing on guys. I'm not going to let that happen in the future. I'm not sixteen anymore. I haven't been sixteen for quite some time now and I'm not going to let thoughts of kisses (and yes, sex) distract me from everything else in my life.

I'm gonna go now. Not even sure if I'm going to post this. It's just a lot of rambling...



btw-in case you didn't notice, decided to post it.... after all, I wrote it...

Yes, I'm Relaxed...

I have so much to do and to write. So... guess what comes first?

It's quiet in my apartment. DB is sleeping, the air conditioner is on, and the sound of classical music is filtering through the walls. Someone has it playing very loudly so I get to enjoy it too. This all very conducive to writing. Plus I'm sitting in an old wooden desk chair on wheels, at the old (but new to me) dining room table that I put back together after moving it. The chair creaks whenever I lean back, and I know that I need to pull out the DW-40 sometime soon to oil it.

I feel very content right now, at peace, relaxed and it makes absolutely no sense to feel this way. I have court tomorrow, the apartment is a big and I mean BIG mess. Papers are strewn everywhere. (Always wanted to use the word strewn.) Legos are on the floor in the bathroom. I've been trying to figure out that one. Oh! DB was probably playing with them in the bath and left me to find them with my bare feet in the middle of the night. OW!

Ahhhh.... but my boy was relaxed tonight. He hasn't been relaxed in such a long time and it's a pleasure to see. I'm so happy for him. He asked me how my day was when I picked him up from camp. Of course, I asked him first, but still.... I didn't have to remind him. The lessons and nudges about using his manners are working. The other day he opened my car door. I was joking around, "What are you doing little one? Are you going to drive us today?" "No, Mommy I just opened the door for you." Boy, did that put me in my place and shock me at the same time. A neighbor that was walking by was informed immediately about my gentleman son. Couldn't be prouder of da boy.

Tonight I got a hug and "You're the best mom ever." Not to mention giggles and a trip to Chile. We have started watching Wheel Of Fortune together to help with his dyslexia. We're planning on taking our trip next summer so we can go skiing there (in our dreams).

We read two more chapters of Ben and Me. He was trying so hard to keep his eyes open that there were no complaints when I closed the book and said time for Shema. Yes, another book on Benjamin Franklin. It's getting so that DB is correcting the book when the history is not completely accurate. Benjamin Franklin is one of DB's idols along with Spiderman, Einstein ('cause he had dyslexia, was a scientist, dealt with time travel, "And he's JEWISH, Mommy). DB's dream is to create more inventions and be a better scientist than Ben Franklin. I can't wait until he does. I've got to try to get us to the Franklin Institute in Philadelphia by the end of the summer. No, not the Franklin Mint that makes all those Elvis plates and other collectibles. I would really love to know who actually collects those things.

And we're back...
My attorney just called after re-reading the forensic report and stated that we actually have a very good case. There's a pre-trial settlement meeting scheduled at court for tomorrow. Wish me luck Actually, wish DB luck because I'm doing this for him. I'll let you know how it goes. It's not scheduled until the afternoon so there's the possibility of us being back in court on Wed.

My mom is on her way up to offer emotional support. Actually, she just sits next to me and knits or crochets. It helps keep me calm so that I can think clearly. She's made three ponchos, three scarves (I made a scarf myself one day in court), two blankets, and a hat during the court appearances, hearings and trials. And would you believe that not one of them has been for me. Ever since the duck sweater incident in the 80's she hasn't made me anything, and it wasn't even my fault. She kept on ripping it out and starting over again.

I might bring my needlepoint tomorrow. I haven't worked on it in such a long time, and it appears that things might be coming to a close soon.... ok six months can't really be considered soon, but it is in my eyes after going through this craziness for so many years. I want to have it ready to hang in my new home. Boy, does that sound nice... I'll just keep davening and hoping and wishing and working my ass trying to make sure that it happens.

Ugh! I'm gonna go now, and I haven't even updated y'all about the men or lack thereof, situation. I guess you'll just have to wait.

Busy, Busy, Busy...

Most definitely not G rated:
But definitely entertaining

Sooooo sooooooo much has been going on this week, and I haven't had that much time to write about it. Here goes...

1) I drove back and forth to Kansas three times in three days if I've counted it right. My brain is just a little fried from being so tired. And I'm so tired because on Monday I moved a dining room set, credenza and another table out of my great-uncle's non-air conditioned house. Yes, it was about 99 degrees without the heat index. So I took everything a part and actually moved the credenza myself on a dolly. My dad helped me tilt it into the truck so I could pull it up and put it in.

Then I drove the truck back to Oz, and unloaded everything. I did get a little help with the top of the dining room table. I'm a little achy now from all the hard work. And I still need to screw everything back together. But at least I unpacked.

2) Chassidish came over last night and we behaved ourselves... as difficult as it was. He stayed awhile so I didn't get to sleep until late

3) The night before that when I was in Kansas I spent a long time sending messages back and forth to Confused Guy (named by rebel with a cause) who doesn't seem so confused anymore and Teen. I'm calling him that because even though he's a little older (Bud thinks he may be too old for me) he acts and talks young. I don't mean immature, just young and full of life.

4) Someone from Frumster contacted me. Not what you're thinking... someone who works for Frumster. He said that he read my blog and would I let him know my identity. It made me feel like a spy. I told him no and asked why. He wanted to get my input about Frumster and any suggestions I might have. I sent him some and if any of you out there have specific things you want added or changed let me know and I'll pass it along.

But really, after writing about what happened with Bud and now Chassidish did he really think I was going to tell him who I was. He probably would have had me kicked off of Frumster. Do they actually do that?

5) I was also up late this past week working on the trial. Of course, the dates have been changed and there isn't even going to be a pre-trial conference tomorrow. C'est la vie. What can I do? Nothing, so I've chosen not to worry about it and instead take care of the baby again tomorrow.

Now for the unbelievable story.....
I got a phone call last night from a guy I know through frumster. No, I am most definitely not saying who it is because of what he asked. Ok, ok, I'll tell you what he asked... He prefaced it by stating that he never wanted me to speak of it again after our conversation. My ears really perked up then. I answered, "of course" and was quiet waiting for the bomb to drop.

AND THEN IT DID!!! OMIGOSH! OMIGOSH!! OMIGOSH!!!!

He said "How would you like to come out with me tonight to a 'couple's club'?" Then there was silence. I think he wanted to let it sink in. At first I wasn't sure what he meant, but since he was still quiet I realized that it was what I thought it was.... a swinger's club.

HOLY MOLEY!!!! ABSOLUTELY FRIGGIN' UNBELIEVABLE!!! WHOA!!!!!

I didn't know if I should be insulted or not. Then I started thinking about it.... I was curious. C'mon I'm sure that you've all heard of these things going on, but have never been a part of it or known where it was taking place.

Anyway, he broke first and said "Did you understand me?"
"I sure did. What the hell are you thinking??" and then I cracked up and couldn't stop laughing. My stomach started to hurt I was laughing sooo hard. It takes a lot to insult me. Well, obviously.
When I finally started to get quiet he asked me if I would be willing to go. The curiosity really started to get to me. I have this unsatiable desire to find out and learn and see new things and ideas. I really did seriously contemplate it. No, I wasn't going to participate. I just wanted to see for myself. I mean really, it would have made a great story.

But two things prevented me from going: Chassidish was already on his way over, and I didn't feel comfortable going with this guy (the one who asked me, not Chassidish) in particular. Soooo the answer was no. But if he ever asks again.......

I'm supposed to talk to CG and Teen tonight. We'll see how it goes. btw- both are willing to relocate.

Happy News:
Pen went out this week with a really nice girl and they got along great. We've been staying in touch mostly by e-mail and talking about our different dates. There's no flirting going on which makes it easy and comfortable. I'm sooooo happy for him. He's a sweet guy and deserves someone who realizes it and is just as caring. I wish the same for any of us who are single out there.

Justice And The Law Are Not The Same Part 2

I have my get, B"H!!!! I got it several years ago after I was served with divorce papers. I had trouble getting it. Even though I went to rebbeim at a different shul than the one stbx and I attended. The rabbi of the original shul was somehow able to convince them that he was "handling it." They were dissuaded from helping me further because they didn't want to cause a "rift in the community" or have two shuls at odds with each other. I never heard from the rabbi at my old shul even when I called, left him messages, wrote e-mails and had other people contact him about the get and then later about other important issues.

There are thousands of women out there who are not as lucky as I am. The Yated along with The Israeli Rabbinical Courts is trying to convince us that these numbers are exaggerations. They have deflated the numbers NOT by helping these women get their gets, but by inaccurate counting and descriptions of these "chained women" who in reality will only receive their get from these same courts if they agree to forfeit child support.

It is very hard for me to trust any rabbi at this point in time. And I most certainly will never set foot in a Beis Din EVER!!!!! As I am writing this, I just realized that it would be difficult to find someone to marry me (iy"h when I meet the right person). My brother, of course or Gretel's husband just came to mind. He is an honest and caring man, AND I TRUST HIM even though he has smicha. But I honestly can't think of anyone else. That's a real shame.

I do want people to realize that I understand that rabbis are human and make the same mistakes we all do... for money, for power, etc... But to have an organization that represents Jewish justice try to hide and disguise the truth sickens me.


hat tip: dag (the response by the Kolech Conference (Religious Women's Forum)

Not Enough Hours In The Day

Might not have that much time to write for the next couple of days/weeks. The trial is coming up and I also have to get in some paperwork on the appeal.

I was contacted by someone new. Actually, he contacted me a long time ago. I've been on Frumster for several years, but I didn't have a picture up or really write about who I am, because I didn't really have the interest or energy. I recently updated it. So... this new/old guy wrote me. I immediately informed him that I am relocating to Kansas and even though it says he's willing to relocate I've come to find that that refers to only within different neighborhoods in Jersey and NY. He writes back that it won't work.

This morning I get another message. He's changed his mind after staying up all night, and speaking to some rebbeim. Because his ex and her new hubby are relocating with the kids also.

Cool... but was he joking around when he wrote that he contacted 5 different rebbeim? And if so, do I really want to go out with someone like that? I respect that if he feels he has a life changing decision he would like to talk it over with someone. But five someones?!?!?

Update on Chassidish:
We are just having too much fun together. We haven't seen each other since that Shabbos because it would have been very difficult (did I say very, I meant extremely.... nope, what I meant was basically impossible) to keep our hands off each other and I'm in niddah. But we've been speaking on the phone a lot. We are also encouraging one another to answer messages and go on dates. But in the meantime.... Sunday night is mikva night! Yahoo!!!!

btw-need a name for the new guy, any suggestions??

Holidays Are Hard And So Is Limbo

My heart used to ache when DB went with his father for visits because I was concerned about his safety, it made my heart ache when he would cry and cry and say "I don't want to go, Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!" And I would smile and tell him he was going to have a good time and hold my tears back until he was out of sight. Then I would break down with great heaving sobs wishing that there was some way I could protect my child.

It's amazing what you learn to live with. I don't cry anymore and neither does DB. He wants to go with his father now. You can tell that he's afraid that if he doesn't his father won't love him anymore. He's a bright boy and knows that a parent shouldn't treat a child the way his father treats him.

Even when DB is taken on vacation or special trips with his father and I know that he will have some fun my heart is still full and heavy with tears. There's a knot in my throat that makes it hard to breathe and swallow. I'm still scared for is safety. Most of the time I can forget about it or at least trick myself into thinking that I've forgotten it. But especially with the trial coming up I'm a lot more sensitive and scared to death. This is DB's life at stake, and I'm afraid.

It's difficult, that's a complete understatement, to sit around and wait for the report from the forensic. A lot is depending on that. If she's in favor of the relocation then there probably won't be a trial. Imagine having to let someone else decide what is best for your child and if you contradict there's a chance that you will lose the right to care for him and send him directly into harm's way.

I am going bonkers from waiting. Even if I knew that there was going to be a trial, and that would probably mean an appeal after for a total of another year and a half to two in the court system, I would be able to handle it... that is, of course, after the fist raising at Hashem, screams of why and floods of tears. I would get down to case law and writing.

The stbx is trying to break me with all these years of fighting. He thrives on it and lives for craziness. But I'm not going to crack or give in. I'm a mother backed into a corner so don't mess with me. I will do what I have to even if it's pretending that everything is fine or soon will be so that DB won't worry. I won't give in even when the powers that be think his lies are truly gospel from the mount.

I'm just tired of it.... but that doesn't mean I will give up... not ever... ever.... ever...

Not Anytime Soon

I just got off the phone with Gretel. It's not her real name, but a nickname I've called her since we've been eight. She's now a rebbetzin with 9 beautiful children, and one of my best friends. I don't get to see her often because she lives in Boston, teaches and is a part-time cpa, not to mention starting her own business, and doing some catering on the side. There are times when we will go months without talking. But we always pick up right where we left off without any hesitation or awkwardness. Gretel's thoughts especially with regard to me are sound and correct. I value her opinion even if I don't necessarily follow it because she always has my best interests at heart. She's my sounding board, my shoulder to cry on, and my mirror. I don't know what I would do without her.

Well, yes I do know. I wouldn't be sitting here trying to figure out what is going on between Charm and me, and what to do about it. You see, I can't say that I am 100% sure that I will be moving to "Kansas" this summer. After becoming entangled in this system for over 6 years I have learned that things don't always happen the way they should according to case law etc.... If they did I could say with certainty that I would be moving. It also appears that even though we were supposed to have a trial regarding relocation at the end of May it will not take place then. The forensic psychologist informed me today that even if she started the evaluation this afternoon it would not be complete for at least 8-10 weeks. Kind of took me by surprise.

You would think that nothing regarding this mess could do that to me anymore. I am also the only party who has contacted her. So now I am the one responsible for getting her the court order of appointment which details who is responsible to pay for her services. It feels like the whole system has the mentality of the stbx in thinking that if they ignore something it will take care of itself and/or cease to exist. It's hard to take care of these matters and face things when no one else including your attorney is helping you. All I want is to go on with my life and take care of myself and my son. I believe that the best possible way for this to take place would be for me to relocate with DB to Kansas.

There are numerous reasons why I want to go back home to "Kansas." My brother and his family live in Eretz Yisrael, and my parents are divorced so when my parents get sick I take care of them. I deal with their doctors etc.... My parents are usually healthy, but they are getting older and my dad suffers from a chronic condition that periodically flares up.

I now understand what people say when you save a life you are responsible for it, for the person. I feel that way about my dad. Around 17 years ago after my father had an operation and was brought back to his room in the hospital I noticed that his breathing was slowing and told the nurse. She told me to count his breaths and keep track of it. When my father's breathing continued to slow I had to get on her case to call a resident. My father was given a shot (narcan, to get the painkiller out of his system) and then the doctor told me to keep track of my father's breathing. Before they came back to check on my dad I had to call the nurse again and tell her that his breathing was slowing down dramatically. They gave him another shot of narcan and when that didn't work transferred him to ccu. If I had not stayed the night...

The same thing took place this past Succos after first days of Yontif. My dad was in the emergency room and my aunt had left, but I didn't feel comfortable leaving my dad alone even though he was feeling better. His breathing slowed and once again I was the one who noticed and had to tell the nurse and doctor. They were in the process of transferring him to a room and then turned him around and kept him in emergency. The narcan worked this time, but I stayed the whole night again.

Another reason to move to "Kansas" is DB and the loving attention he would receive from all our family members. A HUGE, major point is this school that I saw. DB would get the help he so desperately needs and wants. I haven't found a school like it up here in Oz. A frum school that is able to teach him in a multi-sensory fashion, and give him the basic skills, but at the level he needs to keep him intellectually stimulated.

There's also a school that I would like to attend about an hour away from Kansas. Because of the the immersion in the language my ASL (American Sign Language) skills would improve and my certification for interpretation could be finished must faster than if I stayed here in Oz. I'm seriously considering going into special ed. and deaf studies. I love kids and have experienced first hand the frustration they experience due to learning disabilities, i.e. DB. Showing them they are capable of learning would be extremely rewarding. This would mean more school for me, but I don't think I mind especially if I was in school in Kansas.

Plus not having to worry about babysitters... like paying them or being concerned about them showing up, let alone showing up on time would be a load off my mind and wouldn't put a dent in my wallet. There are enough cousins, aunts and uncles who love to spend time with DB that they would be fighting over who gets to stay with him even while he sleeps. We have about 200 family members not to mention close friends who are included as part of the family. I could work while DB was in school and earn more money than I do right now.

Just Very Busy

I'm a little annoyed I wrote this post before I left Kansas and completely lost it on the computer at my mom's. This is what I remembered.

I haven't written lately because I've been so busy. Here's a synopsis of what's been going on this past week....

DB and I went to Kansas for Purim late Sat. night and had a blast. We saw friends and family and I couldn't stop smiling and laughing... even without alcohol. Then drove back to Oz late Sunday night. Saw Charm Monday.... I was looking forward to his visit even though I was exhausted and had seen him on Friday. The next day was spent taking care of a beautiful 4 year old little boy with dark hair and a bowl cut. His brown eyes and dimple on his left cheek make him hard to resist. Even though he 's low on the autistic spectrum, I'm exhausted after spending a few hours with him. That probably comes from chasing him around in circles through the kitchen, dining room and living room while I'm pushing a toy lawnmower. Definitely a sight to see, but worth it when he falls on the floor giggling. When I ask him whether he thinks I like him a little or a lot. He responds with "A LOT!" and he's absolutely right.

That night I got very sick and couldn't function for a couple of days. I found out later that there was this neurovirus (don't know if that's the correct spelling) going around Jersey. I finally felt well enough to go back down to Kansas for Shabbos. I gave a little old man a ride to shul and then passed out before hearing kiddush. Probably still recuperating...

Today I visited this amazing, fantastic, caring school. It is most definitely the right place for DB. I just hope and pray that we will be able to relocate. The grounds are near a stable and the kids ride and groom the horses. There's a pond (frogs included) a zip line and rock wall to climb. It looks like so much fun. I want to go. AND they are taught all the basics and don't proceed to a new skill until the first one is completely mastered. All the therapies are included and the ratio is 1:5, but most of the time 1:2. Wow!

Tonight or rather last night since it's almost 6 a.m. I drove back to Oz again. I had to pack up the car, the cat, and the kid. I know I'm going to be feeling it later this week, but I really needed the caffeine and once I got in I couldn't go to sleep. I'm sure that within the next two weeks I will have little time to sleep. Hopefully some of that will be because I will spend some time with Charm. Can't get enough of the man......

I'll write more later... I have several posts that I am in the middle of and I want to respond to some that people have written. I might do that now or maybe I'll just workout. Who am I kidding?

Everytime I Think I'm Out I Get Pulled Back In

Went to court yesterday. Really didn't even have to show. Mom (aka Bubbi) came up for moral support. I don't think I would've gotten through this without her. Not that I'm through this yet. It's neverending. This is the second judge to sit on this case. Maybe, you could even say the third judge another one presided over one of the trials. Wait! Don't forget the judge from Family Court. There goes your tax money.

Three papers are due on March 15th...."Beware the ides of March..." This is the second time that I have had papers due to Supreme Court on that day. I guess if you're in this long enough you'll be able to say that about every day in the year. OK, OK, I know that's and exaggeration, But that's what it feels like. Most of the issues in the papers have already been addressed in previous motions and in conferences. This is just insane. The file is soooo huge... it can't even be carried all at once.

The new judge also scheduled a trial for the end of May. One thing right after the other. with Purim and Pesach in between. The stbx (soon to be ex) didn't want to settle and is trying to use scare tactics. That used to work, but not anymore. I've toughened up. I didn't even cry when I found out about the trial.... there's nothing wrong with crying.... it's....well, actually, I did cry a little.... some tears escaped while Charm was holding me. I don't think he noticed. I didn't want him to.

I feel more vulnerable, but also safer in Charm's arms. My emotions or let's say deeper emotions come closer to the surface. That kind of bothers me because I feel like I'm opening myself up to get hurt. Not that I haven't been hurt before... it's just that ... Hey! I don't want to get hurt again. Yeah, yeah, you can't live your life like that because it's not really living or experiencing and then you're always holding something back. It's funny because I don't think of myself as someone that holds things back. I speak my mind, I stand up for myself.... Oh, I don't know what I'm trying to say. This is just the ramblings of someone working on four hours sleep.

Went to see a movie with Charm last night, a scary one. Did I hold on tight to him!! It was fun too.... getting out with him. We don't make it out the door too often. BUT I am not complaining about that. After years of no sex..... WOW!!! Certainly making up it for it now in quality and quantity. Way to go Charm!

We started talking about going to the mikvah. I've actually asked a shaila about this. I was told it's better to do "everything but" and not go to the mikvah. I mentioned that I don't think that was going to be doable. After so many years of not having sex once my clothes come off, I didn't think I would be able to restrain myself and I didn't want to. Then I was told to go jump in a lake or the ocean. NO JOKE!!!! Yeah, right. Finally, it came down to go to a mikvah where no one knows you and pretend you are married. WHY? Why is this necessary? Gotta get into that later. Just saw the time and need to pick up the db from school. Shabbos is coming, and we've got errands to run.

Updates

I was in court this morning and nothing took place. Surprise, surprise... case dismissed. I wonder why I even bothered showing up. We spent a total of 7 minutes in the court room. I represented myself and am starting to feel more comfortable doing so. I don't plan on being my own lawyer all the time just when it's not necessary for my attorney to be there.

OH! I spoke to Charm about the other guys and he was pretty cool about it. I've been with other men in the past who would've blown up finding that out, but he didn't. He was calm even though he wasn't happy about it and wished that I had told him earlier. I wish that I had done that too. But it was a revelation to realize that I didn't have to walk on eggshells, and that we could talk... Yes, Talk!!! instead of yelling or me getting the silent treatment. WOW!!!

It's nice to know that there are reasonable men out there, and that Charm is one of them. I just feel so comfortable with him, but there's the issue of... UGH!!! I have to stop thinking and just enjoy this for what it is. But what is it though?

Out Of My Head

I've got to hand it to Mr. Charm. I'm definitely feeling better. In case you hadn't noticed by the maudlin poetry, I was down and feeling sorry for myself. Over and done with. Don't feel that way now. I most definitely don't feel that way now. OK, it took me a couple days to get out of the funk, but I always do.... this time though I had some help.

Sometimes I get stuck on overthinking (I usually find that happens after I've done a lot of reading) and/or frustrated about the situation I'm in. But, I'm back to me... smile on my lips. Not even cranky, though I didn't get much sleep last night. In fact, I feel good ala James Brown "I feel good....." I'm not focusing on the bad just feeling the good.

I even have to be in court twice this week (2 different courts) and I'm now looking forward to writing about the inanity and insanity of it. I'm laughing while I'm imaging what craziness the system has in store. The letters "IN G-D WE TRUST" are attached to the wall behind the Wonderful Wizard (judge's bench). I trust that Hashem must be laughing too. It's a choice laugh or cry and the absurdity of it all definitely gets me laughing.

Some of my friends tell me that I have to write a book detailing my divorce adventures, but I would have to sell it as fiction because no one in hell would believe that it's true. "Truth is stranger than fiction" I wonder who this quote is attributed to and why and when they came up with it. I'm definitely stuck in Oz, but I'm sure I'll wake up sometime soon in Kansas... laughing.