Another Year

...has passed. I'm not the only one celebrating, and here's my favorite post by Jack for his second linkversary. And HAPPY HALF-BIRTHDAY TO ME!

Since I feel ten years younger than I am and tend to forget my own birthday on occasion, I'm finding it kind of amusing to read the couple more serious comments about Gretel's b-day.

I don't mind getting older. I don't really feel older except that I have more crazy stories to tell about my life, and I'm glad to be getting older. My mom named me after her mother who was nifter before she even reached 50, and birthdays in my family are most definitely celebrated for the life-affirming events they are.

Bad And Good

OK, I have a tremendous amount to write about. Most of it is good stuff and even the bad stuff can eventually turn into some good. It's just getting through it that's miserable. Of course, it involves DB and school. How many of you out there think that 2 hours of homework is acceptable for someone not yet in 7th grade. Do you even think that 2 hours of work is reasonable for a 7th grader? I believe that it's completely ridiculous. When does a child have a chance to be a child?

I can't stand it when DB is crying for two hours while doing his homework that he is not even capable of doing. They are setting him up to fail. I have to hold in my tears until he goes to sleep. The ones I shed are sorrow for his pain and anger against a system that makes me unable to care for my child properly.

I know it will work out in the end. I just have to get us both there in one piece and with the ability to move forward and forget.

Now for the very good stuff....

I had a GREAT b-day!! I took DB and we went to see Mary Poppins on Broadway. His first show. I had been saving up for it for about a year so that we could get good seats. What would be the use in paying for bad ones. So we sat center orchestra. It was amazing. Just the two of us heading into Midtown for fun. It was Erev Succos so he didn't have school and we went to a matinee. I ended up getting discount tickets and then had a code so they cost even less. YAY!!

The show was amazing, but I spent half of it watching DB's reactions. He was laughing out loud, singing along under his breath, and moving his feet to Step In Time (his favorite part). My cheeks hurt from smiling so much. When we left DB was trying to figure out what show we should start saving up for next.

What a fantastic time and wonderful day. The sun was out. We were relaxed and enjoying our time together without worrying about anything else. Plus I was wearing my new "ring" DB had made for me out of hot pink colored wire. He felt bad that he didn't have a present for me so he made the ring. Of course it means more to me than any present he could've bought. Oy, I just love that munch sooooo much.


And now on to dating or not.....

I've found out a lot of info about BGB, and I've liked all of it. He's an amazing man, and his profile says that he might be willing to relocate, but that could just mean anywhere in or near Oz. Yes, I asked him even though we were just flirting. I think I'm starting to learn that I should ask that of every guy so that way I know whether or not to allow myself to feel something for him. I wanted to make sure that before I got to that point I would know where I stand. I think it took him by surprise as if I thought things were up to a certain point. Y'all know how I've messed up by dating Bud when he wasn't able to relocate, and then when Man's profile said he was willing, but it turned out otherwise. The same thing with Blondie. I understand about the pulling back, and I was doing a little bit of it myself.

So if I start to feel something for BGB I don't want to have to stamp on my emotions again. I am doing the smart thing and trying to protect myself. I just needed to know one way or the other. Then I can adjust the way I view him if necessary. Otherwise I will be hanging in limbo along with possibilities. Ugh! I've been in it long enough with the divorce and having to wait for someone else to make decisions about my life. If there's some way to prevent it from taking place with regard to something, ANYTHING; I will do it... even if it means the guy thinks I'm jumping the gun and moving too fast. I wish I didn't get all the info about him it just showed me what an incredible person he is; caring, kind, so true to his beliefs, honest, and romantic.

But the fact is he might have an issue dating divorced women with children. He also has a type of woman he can see himself with, and I don't really fit there either. It's kind of funny because I'm not sure if I would/will date him. So why would I go out with someone when I already have two strikes against me. I just wanted to be clear (for myself) so that if the flirting led anywhere I would know from the very beginning.

He wrote back jokingly that he didn't even know we were dating, and that he's not sure if he wants to. He's quite aware of the fact that I won't fool around with someone I would date for tachlis, and he doesn't know if he wants that to be the case.

It's just that if someone has possibilities I need to know if I feel something for him without any extra attachments added because of being intimate. It doesn't mean that I would never fool around with someone I'm dating, but I just need to know what my feelings are before getting physical.

more to say but it will have to wait

Holidays Are Hard And So Is Limbo

My heart used to ache when DB went with his father for visits because I was concerned about his safety, it made my heart ache when he would cry and cry and say "I don't want to go, Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!" And I would smile and tell him he was going to have a good time and hold my tears back until he was out of sight. Then I would break down with great heaving sobs wishing that there was some way I could protect my child.

It's amazing what you learn to live with. I don't cry anymore and neither does DB. He wants to go with his father now. You can tell that he's afraid that if he doesn't his father won't love him anymore. He's a bright boy and knows that a parent shouldn't treat a child the way his father treats him.

Even when DB is taken on vacation or special trips with his father and I know that he will have some fun my heart is still full and heavy with tears. There's a knot in my throat that makes it hard to breathe and swallow. I'm still scared for is safety. Most of the time I can forget about it or at least trick myself into thinking that I've forgotten it. But especially with the trial coming up I'm a lot more sensitive and scared to death. This is DB's life at stake, and I'm afraid.

It's difficult, that's a complete understatement, to sit around and wait for the report from the forensic. A lot is depending on that. If she's in favor of the relocation then there probably won't be a trial. Imagine having to let someone else decide what is best for your child and if you contradict there's a chance that you will lose the right to care for him and send him directly into harm's way.

I am going bonkers from waiting. Even if I knew that there was going to be a trial, and that would probably mean an appeal after for a total of another year and a half to two in the court system, I would be able to handle it... that is, of course, after the fist raising at Hashem, screams of why and floods of tears. I would get down to case law and writing.

The stbx is trying to break me with all these years of fighting. He thrives on it and lives for craziness. But I'm not going to crack or give in. I'm a mother backed into a corner so don't mess with me. I will do what I have to even if it's pretending that everything is fine or soon will be so that DB won't worry. I won't give in even when the powers that be think his lies are truly gospel from the mount.

I'm just tired of it.... but that doesn't mean I will give up... not ever... ever.... ever...

Happy Half Birthday To Me

It started when I was 5 1/2 years old. Well, most likely before I was 5 1/2. I remember asking my mother when the day would come that I could finally claim there was only 6 months left to being five... less than 6 months to being a 6 year old.... which in my eyes meant grown up, first grade, homework, the big school, sitting at desks....

I have remembered that day ever since. March 26. Believe it or not there have been occasions, twice, that I forgot my b-day, but not my half birthday.Once was when I was out of the country and had been celebrating it before I left the States non-stop. The other time happened during this craziness of divorce. There was just so much going on that I didn't remember until I finally had a chance to return my mother's phone call and was serenaded. "Happy Birthday to you....."

Gretel's birthday took place on Shabbos. She is 6 months older than I and going through her reluctance to be called a year older helps me deal with it. By the time September rolls around I've accepted the change in numbers, and am looking forward to celebrating it.

Age isn't that much of a determining factor in relationships for me. I've dated guys who were older, younger and even my own age. The biggest difference was a five year gap and I was the elder. Charm is younger than I am and it doesn't make a difference. I was even contacted on Frumster by an FM 10 years my junior. We're not dating, but have become friendly. And yes, when I wrote back to him I made mention of the age diff. But, it didn't bother him. Of course not, as he wrote "I'm not proposing." Well, he wasn't proposing marriage, but rather other things (that haven't taken place). I didn't know I could be attractive to someone who was that much younger. Hey! I don't mind getting older. Bring on September.