Another Year

...has passed. I'm not the only one celebrating, and here's my favorite post by Jack for his second linkversary. And HAPPY HALF-BIRTHDAY TO ME!

Since I feel ten years younger than I am and tend to forget my own birthday on occasion, I'm finding it kind of amusing to read the couple more serious comments about Gretel's b-day.

I don't mind getting older. I don't really feel older except that I have more crazy stories to tell about my life, and I'm glad to be getting older. My mom named me after her mother who was nifter before she even reached 50, and birthdays in my family are most definitely celebrated for the life-affirming events they are.

Happy Birthday!

It's Gretel's b-day, and we even got a chance to talk! Things have been pretty busy for both of us so I was glad to wish her a Happy ______th Birthday.

You don't actually think that I would tell you how old Gret is?!?!?! C'mon, she's 6 months older than I am, and there's no way I'm going to let y'all know that I'm going to be _______. I tell you just about everything as it is.

Rambling Reasons Why AND Growing Older And Growing Up

Well, my last post certainly got some interesting comments and instead of replying to them individually I thought that I would do so here. First and foremost I cannot and will not have sex with someone who I cannot connect with in several important areas. I have to be physically attracted to them... no duh, CR. But I also have to be attracted to their personality. A great looking body alone just doesn't do it for me. You might find it hard to believe but a man's mind and ability to make me laugh does so much more for me than his body (even if it's his body that I ultimately want him for) It doesn't have to make sense to you... it's just the way I am. I just reread that body sentence and it didn't sound completely right.

I don't want someone just for their body. I want the whole person and I would love to have that with one individual for the rest of my life. I just really don't see that happening. Sooooooo.... I will enjoy what I can have friendship, laughter, without the long time commitment.


There are some men it is easier for me to fool around with. What I mean is that it's not a problem for me to have fun and run. What I really mean is that I don't even want a long time relationship with them. Nope what I am trying to say is that I don't crush on them. Meaning I don't think of possibilities or if onlys. It is friendship and sex. I like csbf as a term much better that friends with benefits maybe because I grew up with it or maybe that casual sex between friends means something shared with a friend. Friends with benefits implies (to me that is) that your in a friendship for the benefits.

The more a man exhibits possibilities the more that I cannot just fool around for the sake of mutual enjoyment. My heart starts to get involved. Ugh! My heart... it drives me bonkers...

I'm completely rambling and I don't think I'm responding to any of the comments


ok let me try again... I do believe that these men do care for me as a good friend. Actually I have to view them as a friend before I could enjoy being with them. That connection again...

I wasn't hurt with what happened with Chassidish it's just that I thought that it was funny that he thought he had to run away without just saying I had fun and it was nice but it's done with. I can deal with goodbyes. I'm a big girl or I will be tomorrow. It's my b-day and I'll be thirty-something.

I think that's why I've been feeling down... no, not down, resigned that's the word I was looking for. Resigned to my life. I think that once I truly adjust to it... I can then relax and enjoy it more. It's hard to like what you have when you always want more.


So I need to stop wanting more. Yeah, like that's going to work, I will always want the man with whom I can live the rest of my life, but I've got to be realistic too. And my son's mental, physical, and emotional well-being come way before anything that I might want. I can relate to Tom, Jack's friend, but I know what comes first as opposed to his confusion and conflict. It's easier when it's a matter of safety as opposed to just difficulty it's much easier to make a decision. Yeah, but just try living with it.

I wrote the above earlier today before I talked to Blondie. Ya see, Blondie reads my blog so it's been kind of difficult... well, I haven't been able to write everything I wanted to until now that is. I've been crushing on Blondie. I didn't plan on it. I didn't know or want to start looking at him in a different way.. that there could be a possibility of.... that he has potential (always hated that word, heard it too much from the teachers at school). I was over at Mamasita's helping her get ready for yontif (and talking to her about how much fun Blondie is) when I took a break to call him. Anyhow we started speaking about other things tonight, his kids, frumkeit and then ... he mentioned that he feels the need to distance himself. Funny thing is that I had just said the exact same words to Bud an hour earlier. Of course, Bud mentioned that I have a tendency to crush on guys but.... I didn't feel that way about Chassidish.

It was very brave and honest of Blondie to come out and tell me what's going on with him and of course I reciprocated. I really respect the man. If only he could have been a good lay and that's all. And I told him that too (those exact words as a matter of fact). And he makes me laugh even while talking about it... So what to do.... and he asked and I didn't really want to make a decision and yes, for the fifteenth time I know that not making a decision is a decision in and of itself. He didn't push for one. We left things and said goodnight.

Mamasita looked at my face and asked what was going on. I'm an open book and I know it. I told her and then I got the shmooze. Why it might be best for DB to have a happy mom rather than to relocate. I wanted her to shut up, but I know she's partially right, and that's the kicker there's right on both sides. It's hard enough for me to make a decision about what to wear on a date let alone this stuff. Oh, I just wanted to listen to her and forget. Forget DB's pain, forget the fact that my bro is in Israel so I take care of my parents in Kansas, forget that I could once again be stuck somewhere without my family and have things go all to pieces....

I WANT!!!!! I want to be free.... but I'm a mom.... a confused one but still a mom. That's when I got the call to go pick DB up from his friend's house. He was trying to sleep over, but was just too anxious and scared. I drove over there with tears in my eyes and then swallowed them down. He can't even fall asleep at a friend's house and here I am thinking of keeping him in the place and with the father that makes him feel this way.

But I still wanted to call Blondie and say "hey, what the F... let's try and see where things will take us." He's... but I didn't. I thought some more of Tom and felt horrible for what I wrote earlier (above) in my post.

Anyway... I think I should just stop dating. The possibility of feeling for someone and then having to realize that DB comes first is just heartbreaking. I believe that as a mom DB comes first. Not all the time because then that wouldn't mean being a good mom. I know that I have to take care of myself in order to take care of him and that includes my being happy but....

I don't want to distance myself I'm willing to go through the hurt if it comes, but Blondie doesn't want to and doesn't need to and I respect that. I really should call Gretel, but if I do I'm afraid that she would say the same thing as Mamasita. I told Mamasita jokingly that I didn't want to hear what she was saying and it was only making things more difficult for me. She said that as a friend she felt she needed to say it.

Worst of all I've been hearing all these different love songs on the radio today, and my b-day is tom. Nope my b-day is now... could I feel any sorrier for myself. UGH! CR get real, you're alive and have a beautiful boy who's smile makes your heart fill. Time to grow up and deal.

I'm done feeling sorry for myself, but I... Oh, forget it! Let me just end this post now.

songs I heard today
Delilah, plain white tees
Not Pretty Enough, Kasey Chambers
Bubbly, Colbie Callait
Born To Run, Bruce Springsteen
Do It Anyway, Martina Mcbride
This Kiss, Faith Hill
Crazy Love, Van Morrison

note: this is a big b-day and could be why I'm rambling and feeling all these things...

btw-did answer the comments on my last post individually

Rambling Thoughts

I know I haven't written in awhile. I wanted to, but just really didn't have anything to say, or is it that I had something to say, but didn't really want to write... maybe a little of both combined with working and filling out forms and getting DB ready for school.

I finally decided to start typing and just see where it takes me. Wouldn't it be nice if it could take me to a new home (albeit not in Kansas) where everything is unpacked and I had room for all my documents to stay neat even as I went through them. I can see myself working on my appeal. I need to get that in motion. Yeah, yeah I know the decision still hasn't even been ordered yet, but I'm ready. This isn't a decision for relocation it's about the divorce and some monetary issues. It's a shame that in order for me to get my money I have to spend more on an appeal. At least I can do the appeal on my own. It's not usual to have argument time in civil appeal cases especially divorce ones.

Anyway I'm sure my appeal will be granted and either decided or sent back to the lower court with instructions. I know what case law I need to bring and I have all my exhibits including previous court orders that were not followed.

I just realized that I have to consider myself lucky that I know (I've learned along the way) that I should appeal and that I know how to do it. I can't imagine being one of those women who don't know that they could win their case in appeal thinking that the lower courts ruling is always upheld in appeal.

It's a shame that appeals are so expensive. They should have a waiver of fees and a way to have the appeal printed without costing hundreds of dollars. In civil court you can be declared a poor person and the fees to file are waived why isn't that the same in appeals court? Or maybe it is and I just don't know. Something to look into. Have to call the clerk at the appeals court tomorrow. It's not like they would be inundated by appeals maybe there would be a 40% increase in the beginning. But if the lower courts realized that their decisions are being scrutinized and overturned I'm sure that they would rule more according to case law, and then the appeals would decrease.

Major point-just because someone wants to appeal doesn't automatically mean they are given the right to do so and that is also a deterrent to frivolous cases.

Enough about law.... although, it's obviously on my mind.

I've also been thinking about dating. Actually about not dating. Just not interested... for a couple of reasons; most of the guys that I have met have something very off about them (present company always excluded) and by saying met, meaning corresponded with and spoken over the phone for the most part. I haven't gone on that many dates. WOW! It will be coming up on a year soon from the time that I first decided to get my act together and start dating.

Mr. Right is nowhere to be found and I don't think I would recognize him right now even if he was wearing a suit of shining armor, riding a white horse and swept me off my feet. I've got too many other things going on. Plus I'm just not a little disillusioned with you men, right now (don't make me say it again.... ok, ok, present company is always excluded!!!) Yup, I just realized that I wrote you men as opposed to men and then tried to cancel it with the present company thing. Think of it what you will...

I feel like a whining spoiled three year old who wants what she wants and wants it now! Ugh! What a horrible picture I painted of myself.....

Enough of feeling down... but I guess I need to get some of it out of my system. I haven't spoken to Gretel lately. She was away at camp for the summer and I haven't spoken to Doll either, and now that I think about it I owe another hardworking mom friend a call. I haven't decided what to call her in my blog.... she has such a great name to begin with. Let's see how about... ummmmm.... well, let's describe her and then maybe something will come to mind. She's very intelligent... she's told me her job and title several times and I still am not sure exactly what she does. She's kind, caring, loyal and is always there if I need her... I've got it True Blue. Thanks, Dan. TB for short... ok that doesn't look like it will fit I don't want to be reminded of tuberculosis when I think of her.

Just realized that I haven't been in much contact with any of my friends who are girls. I was too busy focusing on guys. I'm not going to let that happen in the future. I'm not sixteen anymore. I haven't been sixteen for quite some time now and I'm not going to let thoughts of kisses (and yes, sex) distract me from everything else in my life.

I'm gonna go now. Not even sure if I'm going to post this. It's just a lot of rambling...



btw-in case you didn't notice, decided to post it.... after all, I wrote it...

Justice And The Law Are Not The Same Part 2

I have my get, B"H!!!! I got it several years ago after I was served with divorce papers. I had trouble getting it. Even though I went to rebbeim at a different shul than the one stbx and I attended. The rabbi of the original shul was somehow able to convince them that he was "handling it." They were dissuaded from helping me further because they didn't want to cause a "rift in the community" or have two shuls at odds with each other. I never heard from the rabbi at my old shul even when I called, left him messages, wrote e-mails and had other people contact him about the get and then later about other important issues.

There are thousands of women out there who are not as lucky as I am. The Yated along with The Israeli Rabbinical Courts is trying to convince us that these numbers are exaggerations. They have deflated the numbers NOT by helping these women get their gets, but by inaccurate counting and descriptions of these "chained women" who in reality will only receive their get from these same courts if they agree to forfeit child support.

It is very hard for me to trust any rabbi at this point in time. And I most certainly will never set foot in a Beis Din EVER!!!!! As I am writing this, I just realized that it would be difficult to find someone to marry me (iy"h when I meet the right person). My brother, of course or Gretel's husband just came to mind. He is an honest and caring man, AND I TRUST HIM even though he has smicha. But I honestly can't think of anyone else. That's a real shame.

I do want people to realize that I understand that rabbis are human and make the same mistakes we all do... for money, for power, etc... But to have an organization that represents Jewish justice try to hide and disguise the truth sickens me.


hat tip: dag (the response by the Kolech Conference (Religious Women's Forum)

Butterflies Everywhere

How many butterflies can you count in this picture?

You see, I had a great-uncle who was a lepidoptorist (someone who studies butterflies and moths) that was nifter recently. That was what I told the forensic psychologist after I had seen my fourth butterfly in less than three Rorschach pictures.

Don't most people see butterflies? It is an inkblot dropped in a middle of a paper and then folded in half. But there weren't just butterflies in the pictures. I also saw rocket ships and an alien. Of course, it only dawned on me when I was talking to Gretel about the testing that I should have told the forensic that I read a tremendous amount of science fiction.

Should've also mentioned that I have a very vivid imagination. I saw at least four different things in every picture. Although, that was after I turned some of them upside down. It was an interesting evening. I've never had a Rorschach test before and didn't even know they still gave them. At first I was worried about my answers hurting the case, but it was over and there was nothing I could do about it..... except laugh and wonder what he thought about the fact that I also saw a bleached cow's skull with horns in one of the pictures. I guess now he knows that I am one really strange cookie...... strange, but not psycho. At least that's what the voices in my head tell me.''

answer - zero, not really butterflies

Who's Right?

It looks like we both are.

Gretel and I finally spoke today. I was so glad that I got a hold of her. Actually, she called me. I thought that she was returning my call from last night, but she told me she never got the message. As soon as she said hi, I knew something was up. "What's wrong, Gret," before I even responded to her hello. She tried to dodge it, but then got into the fact that she didn't say no to baking and helping her sister-in-law (sil) with the bar-mitzvah in Lakewood this Shabbos.

Finishing up taxes for clients, getting the house back into chametz mode, teaching, taking care of the kids, packing for the trip, and now baking fancy stuff for the bar-mitzvah... Whoa!!! I told her that I was sorry I no longer had this article about how different rebbeim talk about saying no to someone who asks for help in order for you to keep your sanity and to take care of your own family, not to mention having a life of your own. I started giving her a big time shmooze about it.

Gret has a hard time saying no to people. Then she told me that her sil also assumed that she would help set up for the bar mitzvah. I started laughing when Gret told me that she said she would. "Wait a minute, how long has she been living in Lakewood? How many sisters of her own does she have that live nearby? Aren't you coming in from Boston and want to see your sister? Don't you have some shopping you need to do that can't get done in Boston?" Gret started to answer that her sil has 5 sisters and at that point I wailed into her. "Just a sec. You're telling me she has 5 sisters and you have to help set up after driving about 6 hours the night before and after baking all those desserts for her. Give me a break! GRET!!! What are you thinking?!?!?!" I started to crack up and she did too. Then I said that she might as well clean her sil's house, do the laundry, and change the baby's diaper and she stopped me with, "OK, OK, you're right."

Through my laughter I told her "I guess I get to be president then." I had to remind her that in our last conversation she told me that since she was always right and knew everything she might as well run for president. And I said that she definitely should go for it because if she can manage her family and busy schedule then she can definitely run this country.

We discussed what laws she would sign into being i.e. date night once a week, husbands must voluntarily and without sighs, go food shopping and get everything on the list, plus flowers and/or chocolate. Of course, if that were a law it couldn't be considered voluntary.

I heard Baby Joe in the background, saying, "strawbaby". Gret put him on the phone to talk to me. I talk to all the kids and sometimes help with homework (usually science and English) when Gret doesn't have the energy or when the older kids don't want to listen to anything she has to say. In fact, Gret and I used to talk so often (when there were fewer children, she didn't have as many jobs, and I wasn't involved in this crazy long divorce) that Sora Feiga used to hand her mother the phone after she finished davening in the morning and say "Time to call CR."

Anyway, Gret remembered that I tried to call her last night and asked me what was up. I told her I needed someone to laugh about the fact that I got a flat (self-inflicted, I cut the turn too short), it was raining, the tire wasn't in stock, the road hazard warranty for the tire didn't apply, I didn't really have the money to pay for a new tire, I had Tomchei Shabbos deliveries in the car, errands to run, and I had had a gut feeling that something was going to happen to the car last night, but forced myself to try to run the errands anyway. Of course, Gret started cracking up halfway through the list and I joined her when I finished telling her all of it.

Then I told her about Bud and his date prospects, and the fact that I am choosing unavailable guys. "No duh, CR!!!" I told her about Denver and his books and she said that he was weird just like me. Gret also suggested that I still keep talking to him even if I don't feel romantically inclined. Along with that came her warning that it's better to be lonely for awhile than to spend time with someone for even up to a year and be lonely the rest of my life. Looks like she gets to be president again.

Finally, I told her what has been on my mind for quite some time. I am procrastinating finishing up some papers and getting the evidence together. "CR, you and I both do that" and I told her I knew that and I was going to look for my high school year book in which she wrote that I "shouldn't get in my own way" and "DON'T PROCRASTINATE!!"

Surprise, surprise the yearbook is in Kansas along with most of my books. I don't have enough room in Oz for them all. There isn't enough room for DB's books and some of my sephorim. DB's library keeps on growing and so does mine. I believe in having lots of books and since finding out about DB's diagnosis of twice exceptionality (dyslexia, dysgraphia, auditory processing disorder, and some speech [lisp], vision [tracking, convergence and binocularity problems] and ot [occupational therapy] issues along with an extremely high intellect) I have done a tremendous amount of reading and research and have added even more books to our home.

Back to the procrastination... See, I even procrastinate about talking about procrastination... hee hee :) Gret told me to get to work. "NOW!" I sat down and started pulling out papers and she went off to teach third grade.

btw-I kinda got interrupted in my work, by some phone calls. Yes, I know that there is such a thing as voice mail. And then I chose to start writing this post.... Now I have to pick DB up from school. I think I'm going to have to call Gret back again so that this work gets done. I know I'm an adult and I do handle my responsibilities. Hey, if I don't no one else will. But we all need encouragement, support and sometimes a friend yelling in our ear to help us get things done.

update: work is done. yay!!!

Can't Sleep...

Another drive back to Oz, and I can't sleep because of the coffee; I've got a little buzz going. Bud and I spoke for part of my drive, and I told him about talking to Gretel. Because of Pesach and tax season she and I haven't been able to get a hold of each other. Well, Gretel was very proud of me and happy that Bud and I are no longer going out. Then we started talking about why I'm so ambivalent about dating right now. Of course, Gret saw right through me and told me that maybe I just needed some time to get over Bud; especially since our going out was my first relationship after stbx. Just hearing that helped me move through it.

Then she gave me a shmooze on overthinking. I told you she knows me inside out. I started to justify my analyzing things and she cut me short, "See you're doing it even now." The funniest thing is that I can't and don't get angry at her for what she says because she's usually right. I claim to be right all the time, but I guess Gret has me beat, and I told her so.

I miss her and I'm going to try to get together with her when DB goes out of state with his father. Spending Shabbos in Boston with her family would be great, and I could finally meet child 8 and child 9, and see the family dimples on their cute faces.

btw-do you know that birds are up and singing in Oz at 3:30 a.m.?