Different Ways

There's always a way to do something. You just have to figure it out if it's important enough to you.

There's a way in and sometimes it's hard to find the way out.

There are many ways to say good-bye, and quite a few to say hello.

I've had a few new hello's recently. One is from a sweetheart of a man whom I spoke to last night for an hour and a half. Yeah, yeah, I know I was only supposed to talk to him for 15 minutes. It's obvious from this, and this that I have a pretty thick skull. BUT I'm working on it.

He's 11 years older than I am, but I didn't feel like he was an "old man". He sounds like fun and recently broke a finger playing basketball. I like that, not just because I've done that myself, but because he likes to have fun and do things.

Another hello came from someone 10 years younger than I am. It is hard for me not to doubt that he is really interested in dating me for marriage. But he said he has no problem with bringing me and DB home to his family. He was very open with me about some other things which made me believe what he was saying. BUT I still know that I am gullible and easily taken in so I'm just going to see what happens.

We had a good chat last night for about two hours. And I didn't feel any disparity between us because of the age difference. He called and left a message today to wish me Good Shabbos. I got a nice note from the older guy about our talk last night that also put a smile on my face.

Of course, these two new guys need names. I'll have to come up with something if I think they might be around for awhile. There also another man, but I don't know if he's still interested.

Don't ask me what I'm doing I'm not quite sure, and I don't want to rebound into any relationship. I still have feelings for Cowboy, but I'm trying my best to push them down.

I don't want to talk about him.

update: another man just contacted me hadn't heard from him in a week... he's 13 years older more later...

I Don't Just Talk In My Sleep

Y'all already know I talk in my sleep...

I'm tired from driving back to Oz last night. We got in early but then I felt the need to unpack everything and do some cleaning. That's what drinking coffee will do to me.

Feeling kind of hung over from the caffeine. I'm trying to get some work done on my computer, and I felt myself dozing off. I guess I'm not going to be able to work while sitting on my bed today.

Anyway, the next thing I know I'm nodding my head and opening my mouth to say, "OK, OK, I understand." I didn't get the words out because moving my head woke me up.

I wonder if I do anything else in my sleep. Oh, please! That's not what I'm talking about. I'm referring to sleepwalking. Although, I have heard of people who have sex in their sleep. I don't mean the people like my ex who can put you to sleep while having sex because they're so bad. I'm talking about people who are actually sleeping and stay that way while having sex.

I'm trying to figure that one out, and I've got to say that sex must not be that great if they don't even wake up when...

Recognition

There's this man that I've seen around a couple of times. Actually, more than a couple.

The first time I saw him we both kind of did a double take. We most certainly did not know each other, but there was a connection, a recognition of something there. Of course, every time after that when we saw each other there was a silent understanding. I don't remember ever smiling at him, and I smile at everyone. Believe it or not there was never any flirting between the two of us. He never smiled at me either, but we always looked each other in the eye and knew.

He's younger than I am, but he's not a guy. He's a man. There's a way that he holds himself; a confidence, a surety. And I wasn't sure if he is/was married. I'm still not sure.

I saw him about a month ago. He came into the store, and there was that instant knowing. I looked up and saw that he was caught by surprise to find me working there. We didn't say anything to each other. I was busy helping other people. He walked around as if he didn't remember what he had come in to buy, and then he left.

Yesterday, he showed up in the store again, but it was empty. There were no other customers, and I was laughing with another employee. I looked up and there were his eyes looking down into mine. He smiled back and for the first time I spoke to him.

I helped him find what he was looking for and he joined in on the joking around. There was still an unspoken acknowledgement between us, and then he left. I did get to find out that he is intelligent and funny, but still not sure if he's married or not.

DB's List

At brunch today we went around the room and everyone mentioned what they loved the best about their mom. DB was second and he brought tears to my eyes. "I love my mom 'cause she helps me with homework." That's true. We sit together sometimes for hours working.

"I also love my mom because she got me Cutie." That's his cat. Since DB doesn't have any brothers or sisters to commiserate with when mom has been "unfair", I made sure he had a pet to tell all his troubles too. She's one of his best friends in the world.

The last thing DB said was what surprised me and touched me, "I love my mom because she finds the bright side to things." Wow! I felt so proud of my son for recognizing this trait and appreciating it. The other adults gave me looks over his head as if to say you have a very special boy. He hasn't even made it into double digits, but his confidence and ability to express himself is something I would expect of a much older child.

We have a lot of craziness in our lives, and I try to keep things easy and simple for DB. Sometimes it's just not possible, and that's when I try to find something good in what's going on. In some instances, there's just no way to do this, and it would also be denying the awfulness of what's taking place. But whenever I can I try to find something that DB and I can smile and laugh over.

The weird thing about this is that I admire this trait in DB, and I've told him so. I guess I didn't realize that I was the one he was learning it from.

Just Listen

When I talk to my friends about things that are going on in my life I don't expect answers or solutions. In fact, I don't usually appreciate them. I just need to talk. I usually know exactly what's going on and what needs to be done. This is my life after all. I just need to vent or hear my thoughts out loud.

I try my best to do this for my friends too. It used to be much more difficult. I hurt when the people I care about hurt, and I used to want to solve everything. I find that listening is appreciated more, and if they really need advice my friends will ask for it.

Even if I share similar characteristics to you, what you might find a workable solution may not necessarily apply to me. I am my own person and make my own choices so it bothers me if someone feels that they are responsible for giving me "bad advice" and what occurs afterwards. In no uncertain terms, is that true. For one thing, if you give me advice it doesn't necessarily mean that I'm taking it. For another, by apologizing for the advice you gave, it is as if you are assuming direct responsibility for my actions.

I love my friends, but I resent when they do that. If I choose to do something, it may not be because of your advice even if you did mentioned it.

I know I'm a little bit touchy about this. It might come from the fact that I lived under someone's control for quite some time and had to work very hard to break free of it.

Thanks for listening.

Happy Birthday!

It's Gretel's b-day, and we even got a chance to talk! Things have been pretty busy for both of us so I was glad to wish her a Happy ______th Birthday.

You don't actually think that I would tell you how old Gret is?!?!?! C'mon, she's 6 months older than I am, and there's no way I'm going to let y'all know that I'm going to be _______. I tell you just about everything as it is.

I Have Been Writing

...just not posting. But tonight I decided to ramble.

I'm happy. Yes, I am. I know I recently wrote about a relationship I didn't think was going to work out. So, let me explain. I wrote that when I was upset...obviously. I was hurt about something that Cowboy said to me. Instead of acting like an adult and just telling him this, I felt the need to pull away and I also think I was trying to hurt him back. Yeah, yeah, I know. Not the most mature way to handle things. But who said I was mature anyway?

I did end up talking to him, and of course I felt so much better afterwards. Yes, it's another lesson learned, and one I thought I already knew.

Now, it's time to gush for a bit. Yes, I know you're reading this and laughing to yourself that deep chuckle that makes me smile (directed at Cowboy). I like him. I've started to feel more relaxed in our "relationship" or whatever you want to call it. The phone calls last for hours, and I wish they took place more often. That's kind of silly to say considering that we talk about between 4-7 times a day.

This is the thing. I guess what has made me feel more secure or relaxed or whatever, is that I just found out last night that he told a friend about me. Now it's possible that he's told people about me before this point in time, but he didn't let on to me that he's done so.

And then there's the fact that he calls me all different names. Most of my good friends have special names that they call me, and that I call them. I wrote about this before, and I believe that these names connect me to the people who have given them to me. The more names someone calls me the stronger the tie I feel to them. It doesn't have to make sense to you. It's just the way it is for me.

I remember the first time Cowboy did this it was in an e-mail after we had been talking for a couple of weeks. No one had ever called me that name before, and I've been called lots of things. Stop laughing! I'm not talking about those kinds of names.

Wait a minute! I just remembered that even before we ever spoke on the phone, and I think from the first time that we ever corresponded, he called me a name that had to do with my blog. It wasn't Come Running or a diminutive of it, but it showed that he actually read and remembered what I wrote. This was while we were just friends, and neither one of us was interested in a relationship with the other.

Now that things have changed and he actually knows my real name, he's called me by so many different variations of it... not to mention another name that drives me bonkers. He does it to tease me, and it works. But I just can't get angry at him about it and I end up laughing along with him. Of course, now that I've written this he will probably bug me about it even more.

ARGH!

I'm stuck. I can't write or rather nothing decent is coming out of me. I know why, but when I try to write it out in a post or poem it makes no sense or is just plain horrible. Maybe it's because I'm just not sure of what's going on, and I need a feeling that's strong that encompasses me instead of confusing me.


I've been getting some, ok ok, a lot of questions recently. They usually start with "I've been reading your blog. Who are you writing about? Are you dating? What is going on ?" So here are some answers...

He's a friend or started out as one. I've known him for awhile and then things just changed one day. Up to that point we had only been e-mailing and chatting. Then we spoke and y'all know how I am about voices. I know that in the past that I've said, "this guy I like has a great voice!!" But this man has a voice to melt glaciers. My legs turn to jello when I hear it. I was a goner, but only because I've known him for quite some time.

There's a connection between us. Maybe he's experienced it before with other women, but I've never experienced it at all. It's frustrating, fascinating and has me so off-balance and confused. He "gets" me. I can talk to him about anything, really ANYTHING!! I've never ever in my life been able to do that. I could also talk to him for hours. Actually, we have been talking for hours and hours. I know about him, his family, friends and what I hear I like.

Yes, he reads my blog. I'm not sure if it's regularly or on occasion, and there's a chance he might read this. That still doesn't stop me from writing. He knows all of this anyway, and it just helps me figure things out. He lives in Texas so we haven't met yet. Yeah, yeah, I know. I just wrote that I wouldn't spend time on the phone with someone I might date, and that I would get to know them in person, but this is different. I already knew him, and I've seen pictures of him. He's a good-looking man. Yummy!!

I Guess I Do

I've been told I talk in my sleep. I never really believed it until tonight. While putting DB to bed we were both dozing, and I woke us up saying very loudly and distinctly, "Hold her up so she can see." I was dreaming that our cat could not see the artwork, and she needed to be lifted up so she could see over the people's heads.

Y'all know that I have very vivid dreams, and obviously that's when I do my talking. So the next time I'm told that I talk in my sleep it looks like I'm going to have to reply "Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up."

Another Lesson Learned

What number am I up to now??? I'm talking about the lessons I've learned about dating. Just in case y'all can't figure this one out, I had a date. Yup, it was just one. That was enough.

The thing is... I spoke to him for about 4 hours in our first conversation. OK, OK... I like to talk, but it was an easy and fun conversation. He was not the type of guy that most people would think I would date. Hey, I wasn't even sure I would date him, but I decided to give him a chance.

He looked great on paper... on computer screen. He was intelligent, read science fiction, liked Van Morrison, opera, jazz and ballet. So we talked and talked. I recently made the decision to start talking to a guy instead of doing the messaging through Frumster to e-mailing back and forth then to im'ing and finally phone conversation. It was just to much effort. I would rather know if I could actually get along with someone enough to go out with them before investing so much time and hope.

I've been surprised a couple of times when the guy I'm speaking to over the phone is not the same personality as the one to whom I've been writing to back and forth. Some guy or maybe even girl out there is making money off of writing messages for nervous daters. Cyrano de Bergerac ala the computer age. I wonder if they are even paid by both sides to have a correspondence between themselves and no one the wiser.

So this guy and I spoke and then made plans to go out in the near future. It just so happened that the opportunity presented itself the next day. I jumped at it because I've also discovered that a good phone conversation does not necessarily equal chemistry or attraction in person. Needless to say it didn't work out.

Soooooo, I have now learned that I cannot speak for an extended period of time on the phone before meeting someone. It's just who I am. Some people feel safer and do better with spending all that time writing and talking, but it doesn't work for me. I just get my hopes up and then.... "Surprise!!! I'm not who you imagined me to be." I've got a good imagination so this might actually be what trips me up.

OH!! I did just want to let some of you know that I met him in the city. He had offered to come and pick me up except it just didn't make any sense. He works in the city, we were going to go out to have dinner there and he would've had to take the train home and then drive to me. It was the fact that he offered which made me feel comfortable about driving in to meet him. Not like the more recent guy who felt it was an imposition to come and get me that's why I was surprised by his actions on the date.

When we met I knew immediately that he just didn't do it for me, but I felt that I had to give it a chance anyway. The little things are what really turned me off. He walked very fast and expected me to keep up. Actually, he didn't even notice when I wasn't walking next to him. I was contemplating turning around, walking in the other direction and heading home, but I figured I might as well have dinner. He also didn't make sure that I had room to walk next to him. It was a bad start.

At the restaurant he didn't move out of the way to allow people to get by him, and he left his bag in a spot that made it more difficult for people to walk in and out. That basically did it, but I didn't let him know. I'm not the kind of person who can be rude or tell a date by my actions that I'm not the least bit interested. Plus I decided that since I was out I might as well enjoy myself, and I did for the most part.

There were other things that he did that turned me off, but it just fit in with the behavior that he exhibited earlier. A word of advice to you gentlemen out there, the little things count... BIG TIME!!!

So the next guy I date I will hardly know. We will write to exchange phone numbers and then talk a little to see if it's worth arranging a date. Yeah right, I'd love to see me actually hang up after 15 minutes or even a half hour. Since I'm going to (try to) do it this way, I think that I might end up meeting the next guy/s I date instead of having them pick me up because I just won't know them that well (that's for you, Gila and Webgirl). But that doesn't mean that I don't want them to offer to come and get me.

btw-will someone please tell me why my spellcheck isn't working??

Can't Get Enough

I don't know if other people experience this, but when I'm with a good friend we could talk for hours about nothing and everything. I stopped by True Blue's (TB) house on Friday. Yup, it looks like she's stuck with those initials. I wanted to drop off some lipstick I bought for her quite awhile back. On my way over I asked her if she might have something I could borrow to wear to a wedding. I stopped at Dunkin' Donuts to pick up a hot chocolate for her and by the time I got to her house there were 2 dresses hanging from her bedroom door, 5 skirts on the bed, and two sweaters with them. After trying on a couple of things she and I decided that I should wear the skirt and sweater.

Even though she works from home on Friday, she's still insanely busy, but we started to talk. Once we get started it's hard to stop us. We both have busy lives, and when we have the chance to catch up we grab it. We started talking about the kids, jobs, my dating, her pregnancy, and anything else that came to mind. If not for Shabbos coming and her job we would've gone on for at least two more hours. As it was if felt like the hours we spent flew by.

I have to say that she is such a wonderful sweet person. But most certainly not sickly sweet. I admire her tremendously, and sometimes wish I were more like her. I hope that when I move from Oz if I can't make it to Kansas I'll at least be able to live near her. That would mean that I wouldn't nap on Shabbos afternoon, but I wouldn't complain one bit about it.