OORAH!!!!

I ended up going out on the date tonight and I just got home. My cold was just about gone this afternoon so I didn't cancel on Mr. B. We had a very good time, and I saw Steve from Sex And The City.

Actually I had a very, very good time. He was sweet, had nice manners, handsome and...

OORAH!!!

That's the best way to describe it. Let's just say the man knows what he's doing, and does it well!!!!

Different Ways

There's always a way to do something. You just have to figure it out if it's important enough to you.

There's a way in and sometimes it's hard to find the way out.

There are many ways to say good-bye, and quite a few to say hello.

I've had a few new hello's recently. One is from a sweetheart of a man whom I spoke to last night for an hour and a half. Yeah, yeah, I know I was only supposed to talk to him for 15 minutes. It's obvious from this, and this that I have a pretty thick skull. BUT I'm working on it.

He's 11 years older than I am, but I didn't feel like he was an "old man". He sounds like fun and recently broke a finger playing basketball. I like that, not just because I've done that myself, but because he likes to have fun and do things.

Another hello came from someone 10 years younger than I am. It is hard for me not to doubt that he is really interested in dating me for marriage. But he said he has no problem with bringing me and DB home to his family. He was very open with me about some other things which made me believe what he was saying. BUT I still know that I am gullible and easily taken in so I'm just going to see what happens.

We had a good chat last night for about two hours. And I didn't feel any disparity between us because of the age difference. He called and left a message today to wish me Good Shabbos. I got a nice note from the older guy about our talk last night that also put a smile on my face.

Of course, these two new guys need names. I'll have to come up with something if I think they might be around for awhile. There also another man, but I don't know if he's still interested.

Don't ask me what I'm doing I'm not quite sure, and I don't want to rebound into any relationship. I still have feelings for Cowboy, but I'm trying my best to push them down.

I don't want to talk about him.

update: another man just contacted me hadn't heard from him in a week... he's 13 years older more later...

I Did It Again

I need to learn to count to 10. OK, I need to count to 100 and then count to 100 AGAIN before I draw any conclusions or react in any way.

Even with the reminder to myself about it, I completely ignored my own advice.

Jealousy

I'm jealous. It's true. I admit it. I'm jealous of my friends and family who can see the person they care about whenever they want. I'm jealous that they can pick up the phone and listen to the voice they want to hear the most. I wish, well, I just wish...

But, no I care about someone miles and miles away. And it's frustrating, I want UGH!!!

I feel like a three year old and I want to stomp my feet, and yell, and cry as if having a tantrum could change things.

So, I've been speaking to Cowboy on a regular basis every day, except his schedule makes it very difficult for me to call him. This leaves me with little or no control, and that drives me bonkers. It gets me angry at myself, at him, at the situation. Yes, I know I'm whining, but I don't care!!! Now, I really sound like a child.

It's that it hurts sometimes. It makes me not want to answer the phone when he calls or to get off quickly in the middle of a conversation. I want him to feel the same hurt. Real mature CR, like hurting him will make things better. It won't and the major part is that I don't want to hurt him. I just WANT HIM!

Before y'all get down on him, he really does a good job of staying in touch with me. But I want to be able to call and say goodnight, pleasant dreams. I want to have that option.

btw-I hate being in limbo.

B'Sha'a Tova (In Good Time, At The Right Time)

Wonderful News delivered on my brother's b-day no less. I'm going to be an aunt again... for the seventh time. It's been about two years since the last boy was born. They're all boys and I'm jealous. Not in the way that I wish I could take this joy from them and give it to me, but in the way that I want to have more children too.

I've been thinking about that lately, and whether or not I will actually have the guts to get pregnant one day even if I'm not married. Don't get me wrong. I want to get married (at least I do today), but if it doesn't happen I don't want to lose the chance to have more children while waiting for Mr. Right (let's be realistic, Mr. Almost-Right).

I had a miserable pregnancy with DB and yes, I would suffer through it all over again. First there was the fear of miscarriage. The doctor didn't want to call my first visits (for DB) pregnancy visits until we were able to see the heartbeat and my blood levels were up. It's because of the mis that I had.

The doctor was doing the first ultrasound on my first pregnancy (before DB) and there was an empty sac. He was put on the spot and felt so bad telling us. Then stbx got tears in his eyes and I had to comfort him and make the doctor feel more at ease. This was during the eleventh week. I think I was in denial and shock. He asked me if I wanted to wait until it happened naturally and I immediately replied that if it wasn't a baby I wanted it out of me. I didn't want to feel pregnant if I wasn't. That was just too hard. So it was scheduled to take place less than a week. I also had the choice of having it done in the hospital or his office. Since the office could be scheduled quicker that's what I chose.

I was fine for the first few weeks after and then it hit.... and hard. The babies, the children, the families all ripped at my heart. One of the things that I had always known about myself was that I was born to be a mom. I have this connection with children and babies, and everyone who knows me agrees. Maybe it's their innocence and unconditional love.

Anyway, the job I had made it even harder. I saw children and pregnant women every day usually every hour. The fact that no one knew made it even harder. Stbx could've cared less, "Get over it. It happened weeks ago." I didn't even try to explain it to him. Useless to do so, and I was starting to recognize that. I did tell one co-worker when it was just too much one day and someone (actually most of the customers) had asked me when I was finally going to have a child. I smiled and turned away with tears in my eyes. I had to leave for awhile and I came back with the three dots that shape a triangle that I get on my upper right cheek near my eye whenever I cry.

It was a release to finally let someone else know. Of course, after I had DB and was talking to friends of mine and other new moms in the community I discovered that almost all of them had had miscarriages and that half of them had a miscarriage in their first pregnancy. WHOA!!! If only the doctor would've told me or if there was even an article about it at the mikva. Because you don't discuss this with people when you're trying... then they know you're trying and ask you how it's going. I would've felt hundreds of times better if I knew this. To this day I am still finding out about people having miscarriages on their first and second tries. I'm also finding out that it hurts just as much even when you already have two children.

Then there was the weight gain and morning sickness. I wasn't vomiting so I gained ninety (yes, nine zero) lbs. The only things I could eat were white bread, potato chips, noodles, sour cream, bologna and potatoes-white potatoes for the first 4 1/2 months. I couldn't sleep or stand because of the nausea and the only way to stop it was to actually be chewing and swallowing. I had to go into a separate room if people wanted to eat anything other than those items.

I also had amniocentesis done, but no one told me that most women experience cramping after it. That was scary. Then there was some bleeding and I was hospitalized and had to take it easy after that. Finally after 24 hours of labor, three of which involved pushing without an epidural and while on pitocin (it makes the contractions so much harder) and trying every possible position to get that baby out of me. I asked for a knife because I was ready to cut him out myself then and there. Don't mess with a woman in delivery. I felt a contraction coming and ORDERED the anesthesiologist to hold my foot so I could push. He just looked at me until I YELLED at him to "HOLD MY FOOT!!!" Then he couldn't move fast enough.

Finally after the c-section the darlin' boy was born, albeit with his skull rubbed raw from where he had been trying to get past my tailbone. It stayed that way for a week until it finally scabbed over. Back labor isn't fun for anyone involved.

Anyway... I forgot what I was writing about... Oh! Wanting more kids... HA! Even after all that and a couple months of colic, I do... I really do want to have more children. I have so much love to give and share. I used to feel bad that DB didn't have a sibling to go through this horrible divorce with, but if he had who knows if I would've been able to help him as much and to discover his learning issues.

btw - DB is extremely bright and I don't want to just focus on his weaknesses like reading and writing. I want to also push his strengths... any type of reasoning, logic, spatial etc. Anyone have any ideas how to do this??? I'll probably have to get some more books, and do some more reading to figure out how to work on this.

Just Friends

Dan The Man is Doll's twin brother. When I came back with her to London after seminary there was an instant attraction. Actually I felt that attraction the summer before, but I didn't stay at her house and we didn't have any time to get to know each other. Staying at her house changed everything, well, almost everything.

We talked about everything from religion to science then to music and books. We may not have agreed on everything, but it didn't stop us from enjoying our talks about it. I can remember one night in his room. I don't know where Doll was, and I don't think anyone else was at home. There was electricity in the looks we gave to one another. Then instead of anything happening we talked some more. This time it was about whether or not we were going to go out with each other.

One of the hardest things I've ever done is tell him that there was no way I could ever hurt Doll and to have her two best friends together might make her feel left out. I had talked to Doll earlier in my visit in a roundabout way. She probably saw through it, but didn't come outright and tell me not to date Dan. This was the first time that I chose friendship over going out with a guy.

When I came back to London a couple years later for Doll's wedding I still felt that pull, but Dan The Man was dating someone seriously. I was sooooo jealous and wanted to tell him, but I kept it in. I didn't discuss it with Doll because I came to London to help her feel really good before her special day. I didn't want her focusing on me.

Once again Dan The Man and I were left alone in the house. I don't know how that happened with all the relatives that were in. That's when he mentioned that he was going to propose to his girlfriend. The jealousy and hurt I felt was unbelievable. I have the feeling he knew about some of it. I tried to push it to the back of my mind by flirting with two and fooling around with one of the Chasan's best friends.

I spoke with him a couple years later and it didn't feel like we were an ocean away. I wanted to tell him how I still felt, but I didn't want to do anything to his marriage... so I stopped calling.

The funniest thing is that when Doll and I were talking recently she mentioned that Dan and I had gone out. Whoa!!!! I told her we never had and that it was a thought at decision based on how it might affect her. Man, we could've gone out and it wouldn't have made a difference.... just wishful thinking. I believe that I made the right choice and still have an amazing friend because of it.

Why am I writing about a relationship that never was from about twenty years ago? I spoke to Dan The Man last night... and laughed and talked about intuition and people and I felt that pull. He noticed my laugh and I listened to the cadence and accent in his voice. Grab a Jude Law movie and close your eyes. That's his voice.... exactly. I missed him. Don't know if we're going to talk again any time soon, although he mentioned it.

I sent him something that I wrote from this blog, but I don't think that he'll visit again. Or maybe there's a part of me that wants him to know the way I feel. I just won't act on it. I don't want to come between him and his wife. This time I don't want to hurt him.

How can I miss something I never had?

Lesson Learned..... Again

I can't do it. I just can't go out with Mr. Man and fool around without feeling anything. There isn't going to be any CSBF. I wrote to him and he responded graciously and that he heard the attachment growing in my voice and understands why we won't be going out. I can't even manage not caring about him and we've only talked on the phone. It could be just because he has the most amazing voice I've ever heard, but I don't think that's the case. Yes, I should have known better, but at least I didn't arrange to meet him even once like I did with NM. Considering I haven't dated or had sex in quite a long time I'm gonna say that I've got one hell of a learning curve. Hopefully, the next person I get interested in will actually be available to me.

OK, OK, I think I'm ready to be honest with myself. It just dawned on me while I was writing that I seem to be picking guys that have no possibility, and the ones that do (like Denver); I feel very little for (romantically). Yup, you guessed it... I'm afraid... petrified is more like it. NJG has some company there. I read his post and totally got it.

But I'm not just afraid of becoming another statistic, I'm also afraid of getting hurt. The hurt that I feel in my chest, that makes it difficult to swallow and brings tears to my eyes. I don't think I'm as strong as imagine myself to be... who knows? Maybe I'm stronger. I've learned to live with a lot the past 13 years. Maybe I'm just not used to feeling this kind of pain...

It's also a little hard because I'm jealous for two reasons. Bud has been talking to people and I'm sure he will be going out with them soon. I'm jealous that they will be able to have fun and spend time with him. The other reason is that it's them he's taking out not me. BUT he's my Bud and I want him to go out, have a good time, and meet someone special. I've been speaking to him about my dating situation and he's been giving me great advice, not to mention listening to me kvetch and feel sorry for myself like I'm doing right now. But that's gotta stop.

I feel a little silly complaining about these things... but I also feel better now that I've written them down and gotten them out of my system.

Maybe Denver will call me today.....