Again

It hurts... again. He said he would call back, and he didn't. Not even to say that he can't talk.

I'm worried. I hope everything is fine with his family.

It appears as if he turned off his phone, and that hurts.

I don't know what to think.

It hurts. What happened? Why didn't he call? Doesn't he know just how much it hurts me and how much I miss him???

I want to strike back. I want to cry. I want to curl into a ball and not let anyone touch my heart again.

I know I'm exaggerating. But I'm not. It hurts.

The tears are slowly slipping down my cheeks, and I am wishing that they carry the hurt with them. Out of me.

I try to tell him how much or how important it is for me to talk to him. Maybe it's too important. Maybe it's too much.

I don't need him. Make me don't need him. Make me don't care. Make it go away.

Maybe I expect too much. I'm sorry if I do. I'm sorry that I believe you when you say you will call. I don't need you. I don't need anyone. Just go away and I'll be fine.

If The Name Fits

...and it does. Mr. Rose is a "Good Man." I was re-reading old posts last night and realized that Mr. Rose most definitely fits the bill. I even called him up and read it to him. He started laughing and said that I was describing him. WOW!!! I found one. I knew they existed somewhere in the dating jungle, but I just didn't know where they were hiding.

The thing is (drum roll please) he's not from Oz. Nothing against y'all from the Emerald City, but this Dorothy likes them from hills. Well, at least I like this one from the hills. And yes, I really, and I mean really, like him. OK, OK, I guess it's time for me to finally say it... I like him a lot!! Psych!!!

Fine I'll say it. The words that I am dancing around are... I love him.

You heard it here first. I love Mr. Rose. I didn't plan on it happening, but it did just the same. The man has won my heart... completely. And here comes the kicker, I don't just love him, I'm in love with him. He makes me feel beautiful, safe and loved. I trust him. I know that I've written it before about him in my blog, but the love just grows. This love feels like it's settling in my heart or maybe putting in roots. It's simple and strong.

It's so funny how with the other men I dated it was so easy for me to write that I might love them, but now with him it's different. It's just so personal. It's something special. UGH!!! That sounds so trite and just... UGH!!! What I'm trying to say is that it's, it's something that just he and I share.

I don't know if I'm making any sense. Some of you might understand. Anyway, that's also why I haven't written about our sex life. Kind of weird, isn't it? I will say this. His kisses make me disappear, chills run down my spine and my skin burns at his touch. I've never felt like this before. No man has ever, ever made me feel like this. I'm just so glad that it's him because otherwise I'd have a problem... hee hee ;)

Months Ago

Memories of months ago remembered as years of love and smiles
In our understanding through the ancient passion of others
My desire grows with my trust
And the future is nearer than the past

How I long for you without time interrupting;
An eternity of contentment and beatific smiles satisfied in your arms
But the fear crashes through the golden gates and darkens my hopes of forever
It surprised me with a quick return after I had banished it
Vanquished it with your understanding.

I dream of suffocating it with our happiness and together times
But it drags my heels reaching for my open heart.
I want to cut its claws but am afraid of amputating my own hands
Ghost pains of mistrust will only continue to hound me
Until I know what part of me I must fight
To win you

Over My Shoulder

Mr. Rose is sitting next to me as I write. He has access to my blog, but doesn't visit. He wants to give me my privacy. Anyway, I was showing him something and he noticed that in my "about me" it stated that I was thirty-something. Oh boy! He kinda got on me about that. I turned 40 a couple months back.

The funny thing is that when Mr. Rose would first answer his friends questions about me he made me 40. He didn't want people to think there was that great an age difference. Not that it feels like there is any disparity in the way we view the world because of how old we are. Soooooo... I kinda got on him about making me older and he's now returning the favor.

He knows how I feel about honesty too. So there you go.... I'm 40. Of course, I still act like I'm 16.

btw- Mr. Rose just turned another year older himself this week. I think that might be the reason for his even noticing the age thing. ttytt-I don't even notice the age difference, BUT I love to tease him about it.

one more thing Mr. Rose just realized why the post wasn't posting... it said pm not am. Ya just gotta love the man!!!!!

Missing

Hot tears and aching sobs
fill
his voice in my ear cannot place his arms around me
or let me look into his eyes

I pick a fight because the hurt has to go somewhere
out
into the world away from my soul
I want my life filled with smiles
not swallowed loneliness

Knowing that we will be together soon only intensifies the pain
that laughs at me for my foolish fears.

It Seems Like Forever

...that I haven't written. It's only been about three months. It also seems like it's forever since I met Mr. Rose. Y'all remember him. The man who was good to me, who is good to me... so good to me. I've never experienced in my life anything near what he has given me; in support, caring, understanding, patience, and most importantly love.

I feel safe and secure with him in so many ways. I trust him with my emotions and I also trust him to stick around. He is the first man that I've ever introduced to DB as someone I'm dating. Not only that I tell him I love him within DB's earshot, and he's seen me hug him.

Now that's a huge step. I can't begin to write how my life has changed since he's become a part of it. UGH!!! That sounds so, actually most of this post sounds so, so ummmm.... so mushy, so lovey dovey, so grossifyingly sweet. It's just got to stop.

OK, so let's talk about fighting. I've had a couple disagreements with him. I've also pulled away from him... very far away. And he's still hung around. He wouldn't let me run away from him, but he gave me the room I needed to come back. This man is unbelievable. OK, OK, I've started gushing again. Yes, it's ridiculous.

The funny thing is that I never would've picked him for me. I mean c'mon he's about 11 years older, he lives in a different city, and before I started dressing him... well, he just didn't care that much. Yes, he dressed neatly. And yes, he wore clean clothes, but he dressed plainly. You could tell that he hadn't really bought anything for himself in quite some time. So, his daughter and I had fun together and got him some shirts and ties, pants, cashmere sweaters (so yummy to cuddle up to when he's in them, and yes he's yummy to cuddle up to when he's not in them {take that as you will}) a nice pair of cashmere lined leather gloves for Shabbos, a cashmere scarf, and a new suede hat.

He looks good!!!! And he also smells good. I told him how I like cologne on a man, and he went out to get some. Then he wrote a little screenplay about his search for the right scent. He's smart, witty, and knows what to say to me (in many different ways). He's the man! My man.
In case you can't tell, I've got it bad for him.

Oh! Forgot to tell you about the jewelry he gave me for my b-day, how my family loves him, how he sticks up for me, and how comfortable DB is around him.

Every time he reminds me of how long we've been dating (it was just our 4 month anniversary), we laugh because it seems like we've been together forever, even if it's such a short time and yet we look back and realize how far we have come.

Yes, he is the one who's been keeping track. I still get roses. He cleans my apartment and peels 10 lbs. of potatoes without a single complaint. HE DOES THE FREAKIN' DISHES!!! WOW!!! and believe me the man is not pussy whipped. He has a mind of his own and a strength that just attracts me to him like you wouldn't believe.

Don't really want to get into our sex life. OMG!!!! Can you believe that I'm writing that?!?? Me, Miss My Bed Is An Open Book. But it's personal. Whoa!!! I get freaked out sometimes in this relationship. I can't believe the things I now say and do. Anyway, I'll write more later. just wanted to update and let some of you know what's going on in my life. Plus I might want to one day look back and read this with him and laugh and laugh!

A Visit

Mr. Rose is coming to Oz to have dinner with me. We talk everyday, and I've been getting to know him better as a person, friend and especially a man. He sent me more music and his understanding of who I am blows me away. He is kind and loving which is something that I have been searching for but there is so much strength and passion contained within him. I thought that I might have to forgo that.

Even if things don't work out between us, I have learned so much about myself from him.

But I think I just might want to give it a try.

btw-Tripped GOING UP the stairs to work yesterday. Everyone, including me, got a good laugh out of that one.

Alive

Drowning in his passion
breathing his kisses
to live
a golden chain of desire drags my heart to him
across my barren soul of doubt

to be found in his arms
waking to dreams
unsure of the reality of love
confused by the calm in his knowing

trusting the safety of his understanding
his words dig into my chest and pound life into my blood
pushing deeper into me
I yield to the truth that this is what is meant to be

In The Air

The words we don't speak
hang in the air between us
trying to reach through to love
past frustration and anger at circumstances
It's still there
I can't hide it, run from it, forget it
or cry it away.

Broken

Make A Wish

Just something that was easy and fun to write



Sometimes it would catch her by surprise. She would look at the clock and there it would be staring at her waiting for her dreams.... 11:11 "Make a wish." That's what her friends had taught her. And she would.

When she first learned about it the wishes were of ponies, a new bike, pink ballet slippers, and a brand new baseball glove that had to be broken in with saddle soap, a baseball in the pocket, secured with rubber bands and then put under your mattress.

She wasn't all girlie girl. Her best friend David could attest to that. Hell, with a nickname like Frankie you knew she didn't sit at home polishing her fingernails waiting for a boy to call.

Baseball was what brought them together. They became friends that first day at camp when she stole his favorite hat from his sweaty head and took off running. She wore it the rest of the day and it didn't bother her that it had never been washed. It was the summer before both of them were going into fourth grade, and they were inseparable.

It's not that they were outcasts. They both had friends of the same sex. It's that they were most comfortable when it was just the two of them . They understood each other. Her friends (girls) didn't get it when she talked rbi's, era's, and her dreams to play shortstop. Day's friends (boys) didn't understand his love of reading and writing. When they were together there was an easiness; conversations switching between how their team could've lost last night's game to which book was their favorite that week.



They hated the teasing, and they got it a lot. Their parents, friends and siblings just wouldn't let up. She was the only girl invited to his bar-mitzvah and as soon as he said hello at the party they both heard the kissy sounds of his classmates. He told her they were jealous when he saw the tears in her eyes as she ran from the party. And it was then that he realized that they probably were and with good reason.

She was special and even if she was only a buddy, she was his.

It took her longer to realize. All through high school, he listened to her as they would throw the ball around, about this guy or another. He never told her how he felt. He was always afraid she would laugh and think he was joking. She dated almost every guy in his class and some in the classes above and below. The almost was that she didn't date him.

It was the summer after their graduation when he told her. They were both going away to school, and he was afraid he would lose her to a college guy. He had almost lost her earlier that year. He remembered listening to her talk once again about how she felt about someone other than him, except this guy wanted to marry her. It shocked him into action.

She laughed while talking about it. Finding it so very funny that someone could even think of her in that way. She still loved baseball and hanging with the boys. She couldn't see herself as someone's wife and then later as a mom.

He took another look at the girl he loved and realized that she wasn't a girl anymore. Other people saw her as a young woman with a brilliant smile that would light up her eyes even if they were hidden behind glasses and under that ever present baseball hat.

Again

When did things get so intense?

I just spent awhile going through some old letters, and started remembering how much fun I had/have with you. It made me smile and laugh. I relaxed while thinking about you doing and saying silly things.

Sometimes you just need to enjoy each other's company. And that's me talking to myself. I know you are well aware of this and have been trying to knock it into my head.

I like you and spending time with you. That's it.



btw-Don't even try and think that you knew I would do this!!!! You sooooooo didn't.

I Hope You Dance

Trying To Forget

I've been trying to forget him. It hasn't been working too well, but maybe now it will. It's good-bye.

I wrote these two posts before. I put one up and took it down... hoping.



Surprised

That he didn't say good-bye.

But should I be? What else am I to think?

There is so much to write and say that the words are stuck in my chest and have started climbing to my throat along with the ache. I won't allow it to go any further. I'll swallow it down. I won't allow myself to hurt like this. I won't have to worry about hanging in limbo.

Maybe it was all of my own making. Maybe I saw more in him than was really there. Maybe it's just not meant to be. Maybe he just discovered who I really was or thinks he has. Maybe he has too much going on. Maybe he's just too tired, lazy, afraid or doesn't feel what he thought was there. And maybe I shouldn't be coming up with excuses for him. He's just not that into me. That's it... plain and simple.

I opened myself up to him more than I have done with any other man I've known, felt more for him than I thought was possible. I'm glad I did. I hope he has a good life and will be happy. I know that I will.

Goodbye



I'm Not So Smart

Sometimes, I'm just not so smart. I don't need to be hit over the head with a baseball bat to realize that someone just doesn't feel the same way. Yeah, I'm beating myself up.

I just thought... I just thought he cared the way I did. It shouldn't hurt to know that he doesn't. It should make me feel better. It should make me feel relieved and even happy, but it doesn't. I'll miss him.

He made me smile and feel good inside. But then he also made me cry. I just wasn't going to do it in front of him. I never felt that way for someone, and there's no way in hell I'm going to let myself feel that way again. It just hurts too much.

I'm going to forget him, and everything about him.

I'm strong. I may not be smart sometimes, but I'm strong enough to get through this. And I'm not stupid enough to let myself get hurt like this again. I wish I didn't feel. I wish the pain would just leave the way he has. It hurts.

I know that I deserve someone who wants me. But you know what, I don't think I'm going to open myself up to that.

Why

...couldn't you have said so before?
...leave me waiting and hanging?
...do I still care?
...won't the feelings go away?
...am I just so angry?

There's so much I want to say. I counted to 10... I counted to 100... I concentrated on my breathing... I counted to 100 again...

What I want to write is "Go away. I'll leave you alone. Good-bye." But there's a part of me that doesn't want that to be the case.

Then there's a part of me that just wants to rail at you... pound your chest with my fists... make you hurt the way I'm hurting.

You know where to find me, but I'm not going to be waiting.

Make Up

(my mind)

Go away
come back, don't leave
I want you to stay

sit beside me
run from my heart
shut the door (to we)

I'm angry
I'm sad
You can't imagine how mad

I just want to fight
(to be) in your arms
through the night

Still A Dream

I figured that after almost a year and a half of blogging I can bring out an old post or two...

Dreams

Please Hold...

PMSing

Wish I Were Lucky

Lucky





In my heart... Rated R

His Song Part 2

He hides behind words
and write in riddles
hoping to be discovered
by the one he loves

pushing her away
he tries harder
everyday
to win her

the tears he cannot shed
live forever in his head
and his blood keeps on pulsing
through this unforgiving world

smiling, she passes by
he struggles to let go and fly
to join on her journey
the dreams she longs to live

reality pushes them apart
and he struggles for her heart
to capture his fleeing soul

joined as one
they fall into the sun
and their love consumes them

Recognition

There's this man that I've seen around a couple of times. Actually, more than a couple.

The first time I saw him we both kind of did a double take. We most certainly did not know each other, but there was a connection, a recognition of something there. Of course, every time after that when we saw each other there was a silent understanding. I don't remember ever smiling at him, and I smile at everyone. Believe it or not there was never any flirting between the two of us. He never smiled at me either, but we always looked each other in the eye and knew.

He's younger than I am, but he's not a guy. He's a man. There's a way that he holds himself; a confidence, a surety. And I wasn't sure if he is/was married. I'm still not sure.

I saw him about a month ago. He came into the store, and there was that instant knowing. I looked up and saw that he was caught by surprise to find me working there. We didn't say anything to each other. I was busy helping other people. He walked around as if he didn't remember what he had come in to buy, and then he left.

Yesterday, he showed up in the store again, but it was empty. There were no other customers, and I was laughing with another employee. I looked up and there were his eyes looking down into mine. He smiled back and for the first time I spoke to him.

I helped him find what he was looking for and he joined in on the joking around. There was still an unspoken acknowledgement between us, and then he left. I did get to find out that he is intelligent and funny, but still not sure if he's married or not.