What Are You Dreaming Of?

For some reason I started thinking about differences between men's and women's fantasies...

Please correct me if I'm wrong, but most, if not all, of men's fantasies involve sex.

Now I'm not your average woman or average Bais Yaakov girl, so some, OK, OK a large portion of my fantasies also involve sex, but that does not mean all of them. One of my favorite fantasies is having a wife. Yup, someone to come home to who will listen to you kvetch, have a delicious meal waiting for you, has taken care of the kids, and cleaned up the house. All you have to do is hug and kiss everyone.

Alright, even that fantasy is a little ridiculous. Let's just say I'd like to come home to a clean house, with food in the fridge and no legos left on the floor to permanently maim your bare feet. I guess you know what happened to me last night after turning off the lights in the living room.

Here are some more of my fantasies, and yes, some of these are sexual in nature. C'mon it's me!!! I would love for kissing and foreplay to last a long, long, long time. Another major fantasy is living happily ever after with the man I love. Of course, that doesn't mean perfectly ever after. It means that I know that happiness is at the very least around the corner and accompanied by the best makeup sex ever.

Major huge fantasy here... DB receiving all the help he needs with school so that he doesn't come to hate learning.

How about this one... making love out on the African plains. A moonless sky brightened by millions of stars and the rumbling sound of lions roaring in the distance.

Any of you brave enough to tell me your fantasies?

I'm Baaaaack!

Yup, I'm back in Oz. Believe it or not I'm also unpacked, AND everything is put away!!! Holy Moly Batman!! It looks like a different apartment. Are you sure this is home?!?!?

I'm a little punch drunk and wired on caffeine. I felt the need to tell you in case you couldn't figure it out. Which you very well can't. My hands are shaking a little and as much as I know I need the sleep my eyes just aren't closing. PLUS and that's a big PLUS, I've missed writing. I know I just wrote a post yesterday, but man, that was my first post in about a week.

I've got a lot to say and only about an hour to say it. Then DB will be up and I've got mucho errands to run after I drop him off at school; including court, the dry cleaners, the shoemaker, some food shopping, and the bank. OOOH almost forgot I have to pay some bills too.

Soooo about Thanksgiving... it was quiet this year only about 35 people and most everyone was gone by 8 p.m. It was kind of disappointing not to see all the cousins, but everyone who was there had a good time. I had invited GF and she brought along her son. After seeing who some of my relatives were she said that she understood how I was related to so many people in Kansas. She also came over for Shabbos lunch too, and it's great to have a new friend in Kansas who isn't even related.

I saw an old friend/boyfriend on Shabbos. He looked great. He's a bigshot doctor, married with five children and we picked up as if we had seen each other yesterday instead of 15 years ago. It's nice to see he's still the same sweet guy I had a crush on in high school. Hey! He even recognized me, and I look a lot different than the way I did then.

One of the tough things about holidays for children of divorced families is who you are going to spend them with. I'm lucky though, my parents get along and feel comfortable around each other. That wasn't necessarily the case when I was younger, but after the grandchildren were born things changed. Ever since I was little, maybe around five years old, I couldn't wait to have my own house in Kansas and that way I could invite all my family members including my dad and mom. It's still a dream of mine. I want to be able to share the joy and laughter and yes, the stress too. Hey, if I'm inviting all those people there's going to be some stress involved. I'm sure the oven will stop working or the refrigerator will break, but that will just add more to the memories and laughter.

There's more to say. I don't want to forget to tell you about my dream with Pierce Brosnan (from when he was in The Thomas Crown Affair, major HOT) and Brad Pitt, but I'm finally winding down. Of course if I went to sleep now I would wake up sooooo very cranky. It looks like I will just catch up on my blog reading. I want to know what's been going on with all of you. I hope I'll be able to write more this week, but I know I'm going to be very busy out of the house and working on papers. I never thought that I would crave writing this much.

btw- I know this has nothing to do with this post. I've been kind of rambling anyway. I've decided that I like it better when an author puts his thoughts about a story after the story and not before. I don't want to be told what to expect. I want to figure it out for myself and just enjoy the words. THEN, I would love to know how the story came into being.

OH! I found a book of children's poetry by Dean Koontz at Barnes & Nobles today. It's along the lines of Jack Prelutsky a CR family fave. We have several of his books. We really like the ones with the illustrations by Peter Sis.

Another thing... It looks like I'm going to be taking a course on Orton-Gillingham, which deals with methods of helping dyslexic children learn to read. Soooo excited. It will help me to help DB. Then I can also tutor and make some MUCH needed money.

I HATE SCHOOL!!!!

It was DB's first day of school and he had a miserable time. Everyone in class was able to finish two pages of work while he only got up to the second question. That meant that everyone got to something fun after they were done.

DB is very intelligent and he is completely aware that he should be able to do everything the other kids in his class can do because he has the smarts to do it. He just doesn't have the skills. It's so freakin' sad and frustrating.

OMG!!!!!! They expect him to be able to read Rashi script and write the same sentence into Hebrew script. He can't even read Hebrew print that well, if at all. WHAT IS THEIR PROBLEM?!?!

He said to me tonight that he tells his father he needs easy work, "but Daddy says the work should be hard to help me learn better. But Mommy, Einstein became smart because he didn't give up not because he went to a hard school" Then DB explained that "easy" means that he would be able to do it. "If I don't learn anything this year I will go into fifth grade without any knowledge. I don't want to go to camp this summer 'cause I want to be able to study so I won't forget stuff and I'll be ready for school."

He wants to do well so badly. This is not a lazy child. If he doesn't do his homework, it's because he can't. He gets so scared and says I can't go to school tomorrow my teachers will be angry at me that I haven't done my homework right. He doesn't like asking me for help, but he does. But then his teachers write that he can't have help with certain parts and he cries. Because he wants my help but won't allow himself to have it.

The worst thing about this is that he could go to a different school that would be able to help him, but his father is preventing this from happening. It's just a control issue. So now DB will have to stay in this school until a motion is written, then a cross motion, then possibly another cross motion and then a hearing. It's insane. All because his father doesn't want to believe that anything I say (or 7 other professionals) might be good for DB.

I'm no longer angry at my stbx for anything that has happened between us. I've gotten past that a looooong time ago. BUT the things he does that hurt DB....

AAARGH!!!!!!!!

B'Sha'a Tova (In Good Time, At The Right Time)

Wonderful News delivered on my brother's b-day no less. I'm going to be an aunt again... for the seventh time. It's been about two years since the last boy was born. They're all boys and I'm jealous. Not in the way that I wish I could take this joy from them and give it to me, but in the way that I want to have more children too.

I've been thinking about that lately, and whether or not I will actually have the guts to get pregnant one day even if I'm not married. Don't get me wrong. I want to get married (at least I do today), but if it doesn't happen I don't want to lose the chance to have more children while waiting for Mr. Right (let's be realistic, Mr. Almost-Right).

I had a miserable pregnancy with DB and yes, I would suffer through it all over again. First there was the fear of miscarriage. The doctor didn't want to call my first visits (for DB) pregnancy visits until we were able to see the heartbeat and my blood levels were up. It's because of the mis that I had.

The doctor was doing the first ultrasound on my first pregnancy (before DB) and there was an empty sac. He was put on the spot and felt so bad telling us. Then stbx got tears in his eyes and I had to comfort him and make the doctor feel more at ease. This was during the eleventh week. I think I was in denial and shock. He asked me if I wanted to wait until it happened naturally and I immediately replied that if it wasn't a baby I wanted it out of me. I didn't want to feel pregnant if I wasn't. That was just too hard. So it was scheduled to take place less than a week. I also had the choice of having it done in the hospital or his office. Since the office could be scheduled quicker that's what I chose.

I was fine for the first few weeks after and then it hit.... and hard. The babies, the children, the families all ripped at my heart. One of the things that I had always known about myself was that I was born to be a mom. I have this connection with children and babies, and everyone who knows me agrees. Maybe it's their innocence and unconditional love.

Anyway, the job I had made it even harder. I saw children and pregnant women every day usually every hour. The fact that no one knew made it even harder. Stbx could've cared less, "Get over it. It happened weeks ago." I didn't even try to explain it to him. Useless to do so, and I was starting to recognize that. I did tell one co-worker when it was just too much one day and someone (actually most of the customers) had asked me when I was finally going to have a child. I smiled and turned away with tears in my eyes. I had to leave for awhile and I came back with the three dots that shape a triangle that I get on my upper right cheek near my eye whenever I cry.

It was a release to finally let someone else know. Of course, after I had DB and was talking to friends of mine and other new moms in the community I discovered that almost all of them had had miscarriages and that half of them had a miscarriage in their first pregnancy. WHOA!!! If only the doctor would've told me or if there was even an article about it at the mikva. Because you don't discuss this with people when you're trying... then they know you're trying and ask you how it's going. I would've felt hundreds of times better if I knew this. To this day I am still finding out about people having miscarriages on their first and second tries. I'm also finding out that it hurts just as much even when you already have two children.

Then there was the weight gain and morning sickness. I wasn't vomiting so I gained ninety (yes, nine zero) lbs. The only things I could eat were white bread, potato chips, noodles, sour cream, bologna and potatoes-white potatoes for the first 4 1/2 months. I couldn't sleep or stand because of the nausea and the only way to stop it was to actually be chewing and swallowing. I had to go into a separate room if people wanted to eat anything other than those items.

I also had amniocentesis done, but no one told me that most women experience cramping after it. That was scary. Then there was some bleeding and I was hospitalized and had to take it easy after that. Finally after 24 hours of labor, three of which involved pushing without an epidural and while on pitocin (it makes the contractions so much harder) and trying every possible position to get that baby out of me. I asked for a knife because I was ready to cut him out myself then and there. Don't mess with a woman in delivery. I felt a contraction coming and ORDERED the anesthesiologist to hold my foot so I could push. He just looked at me until I YELLED at him to "HOLD MY FOOT!!!" Then he couldn't move fast enough.

Finally after the c-section the darlin' boy was born, albeit with his skull rubbed raw from where he had been trying to get past my tailbone. It stayed that way for a week until it finally scabbed over. Back labor isn't fun for anyone involved.

Anyway... I forgot what I was writing about... Oh! Wanting more kids... HA! Even after all that and a couple months of colic, I do... I really do want to have more children. I have so much love to give and share. I used to feel bad that DB didn't have a sibling to go through this horrible divorce with, but if he had who knows if I would've been able to help him as much and to discover his learning issues.

btw - DB is extremely bright and I don't want to just focus on his weaknesses like reading and writing. I want to also push his strengths... any type of reasoning, logic, spatial etc. Anyone have any ideas how to do this??? I'll probably have to get some more books, and do some more reading to figure out how to work on this.