Tired

Obviously, a lot has been going on this past week. I got stood up by Mr. B-Ball. Our date wasn't written in stone but he said he would call either way. The next night I saw him on Frumster and he still hasn't contacted me.

And finally the date with Denver was a bust. I was right... he wasn't for me. I think he expected us to spend the day together, but he never brought that up before he came into Oz. When I picked him up he had his computer and a camera with him. Maybe he was afraid they would get stolen in his hotel room. I found out later that he was staying in a hotel for Shabbos. I am well aware that he has friends in NY so I don't get that.

The thing is.... I was in no way attracted to him. The way he held himself really bugged me. It was in a martyring self-depreciating sort of way. Plus the fact that he wore black socks with sneakers (ugh! if you don't have white socks don't wear any) and his pants seam at the crotch was coming undone. Maybe he wanted my eyes to drift there, but there wasn't too much to see.
I mean, come on!!!!! Make sure you look nice before you go out on a date. It doesn't have to be fancy clothes but clean and in one piece is not too much to expect.

I was going to offer to pay for my meal, but I changed my mind. There was just something that rubbed me the wrong way... probably the fact that he expected to spend the day with me without even asking me. I was so glad that I was traveling to Kansas and had to finish packing up the car.

I wasn't rude or quiet. I felt very at ease and had a nice conversation with him, but I was so glad to see him go. I was SOOO BORED!!!

On to bigger and better things, and at least I got more practice in going out and in trusting my extincts. I haven't had time to write about Psycho. I learned another lesson with him. Don't give out your phone number especially if someone is so insistent about having it.

I'm too tired to write more and I have to travel back to Oz tonight or tomorrow. I'm all packed up though. That's why I can sit here at the pool and veg.

btw-thanks for all the caring in the comments on the last post. I don't usually like to get that down about the situation. I mean really how can I when DB is in the pool with a big grin on his face yelling at me to join him. Things could be much worse. Thank G-d they aren't!!!!

Here Comes Date Week

So far I've got a date with Mr. B-Ball but that is predicated upon whether or not he has the energy after working a double shift the night before. He wants to take me to see the fireworks. He said it would be a very romantic first date, and I agree. Every time we talk I feel so at ease with him, and he feels comfortable enough to tease me about something I wrote to him. We both start laughing whenever he does this.

Then I have the date with Denver on Friday. Finally, we meet. I'm going to give him a call on Monday and make sure we're still on.

OH!!! Mr. Wonderful/Not-So contacted me Thursday night. He im'ed me and wrote that he felt bad that he hadn't contacted me. He certainly had enough time it was just about two weeks from our date on that Friday, and I had called him the Sat. night and Sun. after the date. Plus, I wrote him a goodbye message on Frumster that he read as soon as I sent it to him on Wednesday of that week.

Anyway, he said that he had some concerns and he wasn't sure about how to proceed after our date. Then he wrote that he couldn't enjoy the music of Regina Spektor because he felt bad about how he left things. Basically, he was looking for absolution. He wanted to send me some of her CD's that he got for me as a penance. I didn't let him off that easy, but in the end I did forgive him. Everyone does dumb things, including me and who am I to hold a grudge especially when he feels bad and apologizes.

Pen-Pal let me know about the Shabbaton in Baltimore, and that there were maybe only 6 guys that would have been for me and who knows if they were willing to relocate. He met someone and I hope things go well for him. We talked and he said something which really hit home for me.... "Don't think about what you can give him. Think about what he brings to the table."

This is great advice for me because I am usually thinking about how the person views me. I should be concentrating on what he has to give to a relationship. AND that is what I intend to do this week.

I Didn't Listen

I spent most of the night with Chassidish. It started with what has become our regular messaging on Frumster and ended at about 5 a.m. with me falling asleep while talking to him on the phone. He's got this voice that could melt butter... yeah, yeah, me and voices.

And yes, I know it won't work out. And yes, I called Bud and he reminded me of what happened when we dated and he couldn't move. Soooo.... I guess I will definitely deserve it if I get hurt. I've been forewarned. Ya see, I miss the closeness that you have in a relationship. Chassidish does too. I think we are both being stand-ins for Mr./Ms. Right until that person comes along.

Mr. B-Ball is fun to talk to, but I don't get the thrill.... the excitement that I get when I know it's Chassidish calling. I haven't heard from Prince in almost a week and Denver and I will be going out next Friday. I still don't see anything coming of that date but I'm going to give it a try anyway. BUT if I heard from Geek (I gave him my e-mail address and phone number in my last Frumster message to him) I wouldn't be talking to Chassidish, and he knows and understands that.

btw-not going to the Shabbaton in Baltimore, Maryland.... it's too much money for me to lay out and I'm tired of driving. Plus... I'll be honest with you... I want to go out with Chassidish. But maybe I'll go out with B-Ball instead. He mentioned something to me last night.

I'm too tired to continue... No duh, CR, you only got three hours of sleep, worked out, and then spent most of the day walking around the Museum of Natural History with DB.

Temptation

Chassidish and I have been corresponding on a daily basis back and forth for hours at a time. No, I haven't given him my e-mail address or my phone number. But, I'm sure dying to. We click. And yes, I remember all my other posts... it's kind of funny how many different types of people I click with.

He wants to take me out and I'm starting to think about it. Yup, I really am. It would be so nice, so amazing to laugh with someone, to talk to him, and yes, to be held by him.

I still have my date with Denver next Friday, and Mr. B-Ball and Prince want to go out too. Plus I just wrote a message to Geek with my e-mail address and phone number.

OH! I can't decide if I'm going to go to Baltimore, Maryland this weekend. There's supposed to be a big Shabbaton. I don't know if it would be a good idea to meet more people. My plate is kind of full or if meeting some other guys might have me end up with Mr. Right. I'll keep you guys posted. Hey, is anybody else out there going???

Back In The Saddle Again

Yup, I started talking (I mean writing, but as I explained before I write as if I'm talking) to some new guys on Frumster. Actually I contacted ten guys last night. Yes, TEN guys. I also started writing "Looking forward to hearing from you either way" at the end of my messages. Either I am getting better at choosing whom to contact or adding that sentence reminds people to write back.

Three of the guys were younger than I am even though one was only a year younger. He was the one who wrote back that he is only dating women younger than he is because he wants to have a lot more kids. Either that's a soft brushoff or he really means it. Doesn't he realize that even though someone is younger it doesn't necessarily mean that it will be easier for her to get pregnant. Even if she has a child there is such a thing as secondary infertility. You guys should be aware of this. And if she hasn't had a child yet, whose to say that it will be easy for her to get pregnant.

Another one of the younger ones was a good five years younger, but he was intelligent, funny, well read and his personality really appealed to me. He even had the courtesy to reply and he did that beautifully.

I wrote to a guy who appeared to be "frummer" than I am. He also had manners and wrote back. Although he jokingly disagreed with my taste in music, he thought it wouldn't be a good fit.

The first one who wrote back didn't have too much to say for himself. There was some back and forth but we didn't seem to click. I wrote the last message and still haven't heard from him even though he's been back on Frumster sooo that kind of fizzled. I was willing to at least go out with him on one date because maybe his stiltedness only takes place in his writing.

The next one had even less to say, but we just started writing to each other. Maybe he'll loosen up. I'm willing to give him a chance. Hell, I'm willing to give just about anyone a chance except for the guys 10-15 years younger than I am.

Now here's the real deal: I feel a connection with two of the guys/men who wrote back. The first one is a real Prince and although that sounds like a dog's name I'm going to call him that in my blog. Prince is divorced without kids and he's an Ozian, Ozan, Ozzer (some help here... what would you call someone born and bred in Oz). We've been talking (writing) about the different activities that we like to do and have in common. There's already been some tentative mentioning of getting together with the idea that he will teach me how to kayak. Cool!!! He's cute too (when he's wearing a baseball hat) or should I handsome (in a black hat). I don't really but much stock in labels and just try to go with personality.

Then there's the Knicks fan. We've only just started to correspond, but his personality jumps off the screen at me. He's also someone who follows his dreams. I think I'll call him Mr. B-Ball.




Now here's an update on Denver and Willing:

It appears Denver will be in Oz in two weeks. He only has one day free to spend with me and that sounds fine. I don't feel responsible for his visit or spend more time with him than I might possibly feel comfortable with. I want to see if there's some chemistry, and if he feels more at ease with me in person. I'm even willing to go out with him on a second date to really give him a chance. I'll keep you posted.

Willing wrote to me that he wants my undivided attention. He knows that I've been extremely busy with divorce stuff and I told him I would let him know if and when I might be willing/able to give that to him. I'm supposed to do this by tomorrow. I think that the only thing I can say is that since I'm going to be going to trial in the middle of the summer it might not be possible until after Labor Day.





I just realized that I never explained why I contacted TEN guys. I figured that most of them wouldn't respond and that I might not click with some others. Plus all of these guys have viewed my profile a couple of times within the past week and haven't made a single move. It looked like it was up to me to break the ice and I did.

It all started with me writing good-bye messages to people I had been in contact with, but just stopped writing to me. It really made me feel empowered. Another lesson learned. All it said in my message was that it was nice getting to know them and I wished them well. The subject line was goodbye. I wanted to make sure that they read it and knew that I wasn't chasing after them.

Since I felt so confident I decided to keep on writing. This time to people I was interested in. I'm glad I did. Talk about positive reinforcement. Then having Pen and Chassidish contact me again also helped my ego. Things have definitely shifted with Pen there's now a feeling of friendship not attraction. Chassidish is another issue. He just has such a great smile that draws me to him. But he also found someone to write to last night so we will lay off on messaging each other. I'm very proud of myself that I haven't even given him my reg. e-mail address or my phone number. Yay for me!!!

A Reply

Thanks PL for the advice (comment on this post). I followed it and guess who wrote back immediately. Geek apologized and said that I would hear from him the latest Sunday. He's been very busy at work.

OK. Even if he's not interested in going out, at least he's polite and I don't feel dissed. BUT I would still like to meet him. I'll keep you posted. AND Boy, is he cute... wonder what he looks like in person. He's got a great smile that travels to his eyes...

Denver called me and I haven't listened to his message. I'm chickening out. But I'm going to call him tonight. Writing that I am going to do something helps motivate me to actually do it. I try to follow through on what I say. I don't really have anything planned to tell him. Maybe he'll bring it up.....

We Agree And Excuses

I wrote to Pen yesterday and I left him my number. There was just too much to explain that writing it just didn't make sense. He called and we joked around a bit, did some Jewish geography, and then got down to business. That's what it felt like because I really had a rein on my emotions.

I explained to him the reasons for my wanting to relocate to Kansas not only did he hear me he understood me... Pen even did "mirroring" -- the thing therapists recommend when you are having a serious discussion or argument with someone. You repeat back to them but in your own words what the person just said to you. That way you know whether or not you are both on the same page. But it wasn't even necessary for him to do that. He got what I said as soon as I said it, and I knew immediately what direction he was going in the conversation.

We almost hung-up without coming to any real decision on if we were going to meet. But I knew that continuing with the phone calls would make it harder to finally say good-bye. Soooooo... it was a mutual "good-bye, take care, if I know of anyone for you I'll send them your way," and don't forget most importantly "if anything changes for either of us regarding moving we will immediately contact each other."

After that conversation I called Bud. I had called him the night before because I was afraid that I would make the same mistake that happened with him. I knew that I could count on him to talk me out of it. Gretel and Shmellen weren't available, and I didn't want to discuss it with Mamasita. Of course I couldn't get in touch with Bud either. But I made the right decision anyway... I guess what I really wanted was someone to kvetch and whine to about how "it's not fair... I just want to find HIM already." Kinda proud of myself in the way that I handled it even though Pen and I spoke at night considering my tendencies.

I haven't spoke to Denver recently because I've been so busy with forensics, parents coming up, and preparing for trial. As I write it I hear how lame that sounds. I've had time to correspond with Pen write my blog. I'm just not that interested and I don't want to commit myself to a whole weekend with him if he comes to Oz. I don't know how to say that so I guess I've been avoiding him. Here's a good one maybe I should just come right out and say that to him but use the excuse of the trial for me not being able to spend the whole weekend. Denver's intelligent and will probably understand that it is just that, an excuse and if he still wants to come to Oz will also line up other dates for himself.

Willing left me a message after Memorial Day weekend like he said he would, but I didn't call him back. It's rude, I know. It's just that Geek and I had started writing to each other and I didn't want to commit to a date with Willing if I was also going to go out with Geek. I won't date two guys at the same time. It's hard enough for me to make a decision as it is. Just who I am I think things over again and again and compare, and think things over again. I don't want to have to make a decision between two guys.

Now I don't have to. Geek never replied to my latest message. Nothing.... no, age difference excuse, I've gotten kind of busy now can I contact you later, or even "I've thought it over and don't think I can date someone who already has a child," I'm wondering what I did, maybe he doesn't know how to tell me those things or somehow deleted my message. It could also be that he just doesn't care, isn't interested, but enjoyed the attention for awhile. I prefer thinking it was one of the first two. I want to be dan l'kaf z'chus.

Should I write him again? A short note, "Hey, what's up?" Or is that lame? I need to think about it. Any words of wisdom for me out there????

But first let me just say that I didn't let him know about the relocation. Yeah, yeah, I'm up front with everyone else. It's just that I already had one strike against me (having DB, although I think DB is a plus, but I'm his mom) that I wanted him to get to know me a little better so he could work his way through that one and then I would've told him. He did write in his Frumster profile that he was willing to relocate. But that could just mean to NJ not somewhere farther like Kansas. Or He found my blog and realized I didn't tell him about relocation and is pissed and feels misled by me and that I don't even deserve any more effort or explanation.

Another Great Day

And boy am I enjoying them.

It's so relaxing to be in Kansas for me and DB. He has been so helpful and I haven't even had to remind him to get out of the bath, brush his teeth, say shema..... AND I didn't have to sit on his bed or even stay in his room until he fell asleep!!!!! HOORAY!!!!! I imagine that part of the reason for this is that he feels safe and loved here.

There wasn't even any whining today even though the temp was in the 90's, we spent a lot of time outside, didn't get to go swimming, and he didn't get to buy the tadpoles that he "really, really, really" wanted. While we were at the nursery choosing flowers to plant he was reaching into the water to grab the squirmy things and take a look at their legs. I'm also surprised that he didn't complain when he didn't get a snowball for dessert tonight.

For everyone who lives in Oz and anywhere that's not Kansas, a snowball is very finely crushed ice with a flavored syrup poured over it. They're in a styrofoam cup to slow down it's melting, and are eaten with a spoon until there's only colored liquid left at the bottom which you drink while trying not to spill it down your shirt. You can also get marshmallow put on top for an extra 25 cents.

It's the true taste of summer... sky blue-can't really explain this flavor, but it's not blueberry or raspberry or any berry, and ooooooh, yummy chocolate with extra squirts and marshmallow on top. For all you calorie conscious people there are even an assortment of sugar free flavors. The whole thing in an extra large size with extra flavoring is about two bucks and worth every penny. There are always lines outside of snowball shacks no matter what time of day and the adults smile at one another while the children seriously debate which flavor changes the color of their tongues and tastes the best.

I want to clarify that a snowball is most definitely not a snow cone that has only three flavors and hard crunchy ice that melts through the paper cone before you've even gotten halfway through it. I am looking forward to standing in line tomorrow and trying to decide whether to stick with one of my old favorites or try bubblegum or even root beer. That reminds me of birch beer, but I'll get into that another time.


Dating Update:

Have been speaking to Denver, but I'm finding that I really don't enjoy our conversations as much. BUT-- I am still willing to go out with him... so when I get back to Oz we are going to arrange a weekend to get together. The thing is I don't want to commit an entire weekend to one person. I usually do a lot of work on the case and around the house when DB isn't with me, not to mention having some down time from people who want something from me i.e. DB, my attorney, the kids I take care of.....

I'm also supposed to have a date with Willing, and I am going to follow through on that too. It's just that I like Geek ( a lot). I'm enjoying our e-mails and am looking forward to hearing his voice. He's intelligent and feels comfortable joking around... we're also on the same page about actual halacha and invented chumras upon chumras.

I know that I am projecting certain feelings that I have for him and I am trying to keep a lid on it. You've heard me get excited (well, actually read) in the beginning about every guy I communicate with. I don't know if it's because 1) I really just like guys 2) it's an ego boost to have someone interested in you 3) the idea that this could be the one. Whatever the reason I have tried to slow things down by not replying or even reading the message the same day I get it. This helps remind me that I control my emotions and not the other way around.

I'm really proud of myself >>claps<<. I've seen Mr. Man on Frumster recently and have not looked at his profile or contacted him in any way.


Hope everyone has a wonderful Memorial Day and don't forget to thank a soldier if you see one (that's the daughter of a marine talking) Let's get them home and safely

Feels Like Home

Yup, I packed up and drove us to Kansas again. As I was driving down I mentioned to DB that the books I just bought for him came from a store on the way and that some of them only cost fifty cents. "Please, mom, please can we stop. I can pay you back. I have allowance money." I can't resist a child who wants to go buy some books so we stopped. I let him pick out anything he wanted and told him he didn't have to pay me back. It only cost me about four bucks and he had a grin that wouldn't leave his face for the last hour of the drive.

Shavuos was fantastic.... relaxed, laid back, learning with DB, cheesecake, eating outside in the shade with about thirty family members who were all happy to spend time together... and that was only the first day. DB looked gorgeous in his linen shorts and shirt. The sweater vest he wore reminded me of a tennis sweater. His hair is getting blonder from all the time he has been spending outside in Kansas. The family that moved in next door to Bubbi has a little boy the same age. They have completely hit it off and are now best buddies and enjoy playing in the grass with their guns, cannons, lasers, arrows, spears (you get the picture... they're little boys) they make out of Kinex, Lego, branches and anything else they get their hands on.

Today's lunch was with other family members. Cousins upon cousins. They came back with us and brought some friends. We played $25,000 pyramid again. I thought I would get some sleep but they dragged me downstairs in my pajamas to fight over which team I was going to join. The little ones ran in and out of the house from the swing set to the freezer (popsicles) and back again. I really couldn't have asked for anything nicer except maybe someone special to share this with me.

Which brings me to the two new guys I wrote to on Frumster. Chassidish has a smile that beams sunshine into your life. I had noticed him before, but never wrote to him... he's younger and I wasn't sure if I wanted to initiate contact when I have stuff going on with Denver and Willing. But I'm a sucker for smiling eyes and boy does he have them. Mon. night I just couldn't resist any longer...

Chassidish wrote back immediately and we stayed up late writing back and forth to one another only for me to find out that he is not able to relocate to Kansas. He seemed as disappointed as I was and sort of left the door open for me to start something anyway. I just wished him well and told him that if I knew of anyone for him I would send her his way. He said he would do the same for me.

Disappointed I checked out the other people who were still up and found Geek. A description he used of himself. There wasn't a picture and he is three years younger, but when I read his profile I smiled. I decided to save time and came right out and asked him if he dates older women. Geek wrote back before yontif and is thinking about it. He's not sure about a ready made family, but since he felt a connection with me he's considering dating me. This was without him even seeing my picture. Wow! I got to see his and he doesn't look like any geek I've ever met. I'm not sure what will happen, but I am looking forward to getting to know him better. I'm much more interested in him than in Denver and Willing... there was just something about his writing that appealed to me even before I saw his picture.

Early Arrival

Denver is going to be arriving in Oz tomorrow night for business and wants to go out with me. You aren't the only one that just found this out. Although I did know that he was coming here, I didn't know it was going to be on Thursday. It was supposed to be Friday morning. He apologized for not letting me know sooner, but he just got his ticket. I don't have a babysitter for DB so we won't be getting together.

The funny thing is that once he told me he would be in tom. night I started feeling a little attracted to him. I'm not going to analyze it.... just go with the flow. I'm also not going to tell him that he shouldn't come in for our date in a couple of weeks. He can't come back any sooner which is just as well because of the forensic appointments, Shavuos, and Memorial Day. We'll probably get together in June.

For future reference, what is the protocol when a guy comes in from out of town. Does the girl pick him up? Does he plan the date/s? Does she find a place for him to stay? Any help and advice would be great... tia

People Person or Trying To Avoid Working

I have come to the conclusion that I am a people person. I can almost hear everyone I know saying "No duh, CR." But I don't mean that I get along well with people or even that I like people. I need people. In order for me to be happy. I need people to talk with, to smile at or just to say thank you to after they give me my change. It makes me feel good, alive, and puts a bounce in my step. I literally mean a bounce in my step. I've been told that's the way I walk.

Being inside working the whole day has really gotten to me, and yes, I'm still wearing what I slept in. Sorry guys, nothing frilly just my ducky pajama bottoms and a big old NYFD t-shirt. I want to be dressed, outside, feeling the sun on my back and the wind in my face. I'm sick of doing paperwork. I've barely left my room if only to go and get more papers from the living room. I'm highlighting and gathering all the documents that I think are necessary for the forensic psychologist to see before he makes his decision about relocation.

Obviously I needed a break and some time to kvetch, cry, bitch, groan and feel sorry for myself. Almost done just a few more sentences.

While I was working I had a movie "Stranger Than Fiction" on and now I have that pull to have someone in my life. Someone to kvetch to, to spend time with, to kiss.... Keep me away from Frumster. I don't have the time to go out with anyone now. OH! Forgot to keep you updated on the dating. Denver is still in the picture probably because he doesn't call everyday, and doesn't keep me on the phone too long. Up until last week he also hadn't mentioned us actually getting together. He's very busy himself with quarterly reports and all that junk. BUT he wants to meet me. UGH!! Can you believe I just wrote UGH!!? What is wrong with me?!?!? Wasn't I just writing about wanting someone in my life. What I really want is someone without any strings attached. A friend that I can care for and play with, but that I don't need to worry about things going any farther. I don't feel like getting all dressed up and being nervous about meeting someone and making inane boring conversation. Not that I don't like getting dressed up. I do. But right now is not a good time. I don't want to have to worry about what someone thinks of me. I just want a friend... a bud.

No, it can't be Bud he's a little busy with someone new. She sounds great and he sounds so sweet when he talks about her. It also can't be some of the guys on Frumster because I know that they are looking for more and I don't want to lead anyone on. Although, there are two younger guys who contact me every so often. They're cute, have some brains, and would love to get together. But can I really get together with someone who's ten years or 15 years younger than I am? I do have friends of all ages. I mean ALL ages... from 86-21. I'm also aware that these younger guys just have one thing on their minds and they think that an older woman can't wait to get her hands.... not gonna finish that thought.... But just because they think that doesn't mean that it will happen.... although, if they catch me at the right moment.... Noooooooooooo.... well, maybe just some fooling around.

Have you noticed that I kind of sidestepped talking about Denver? This is the thing. I feel like he's nervous sometimes and laughs a little too long and then I start to feel uncomfortable. I also don't feel attracted to him. But maybe that's good then I can concentrate on who he is and how he treats people. But still, I can't see going out with someone I'm not attracted too. Maybe because he has everything going for him that I want I am preventing myself from being attracted to him. Because then things would have to move forward and I don't know if I want to get married again... at all. Awww Hell!!

What I want is a friend/boyfriend with all the benefits, but none of the permanent attachments. Or maybe I do want someone to get old with. ENOUGH!!!!!!

See I kinda changed the subject from Denver again. Anyway, he is coming into Oz this weekend, but I will be in Kansas for Mother's Day. Big Barbecue at my mom's every year, and there's no way I want to stay in Oz when I have the opportunity to be surrounded by my family and friends. Denver had also mentioned coming into Oz right after Shavuos, but I don't want to spend Memorial Day weekend with him. I can have a full week in Kansas instead. Maybe he'll come to Kansas, but truthfully I don't want him too.

OK, here's another reason not to want to go out with Denver... when I mentioned the Mother's day barbecue we were joking that he could come down to Kansas for it and meet my whole family. He said jokingly that he doesn't even like those things after he's engaged. What does that mean? Hey, I'm moving to Kansas to spend time with my family.... definitely not every minute so calm down... I'm not tied to them, but my family loves to get together and we all do sometimes spontaneously at someone's house, or pool or for a day trip hiking and to the beach. Anyone who comes into my family will be accepted as part of the family and I would like them to accept my family also.

Enough overthinking, Oh! But I forgot to mention that I will feel bad if Denver spends his money on a ticket to Oz and then I discover that without a doubt I'm not attracted to him. The funniest thing is that he's good looking, intelligent... very intelligent, caring.... STOP ALREADY!!!

Anyone have the idea that I am putting off getting back to these piles of papers on my floor? Excuse any grammatical errors or whatever, but if I re-read what I wrote then I'll just end up writing more.

Hey! Almost forgot. Happy Lag B'Omer!!!!

Who's Right?

It looks like we both are.

Gretel and I finally spoke today. I was so glad that I got a hold of her. Actually, she called me. I thought that she was returning my call from last night, but she told me she never got the message. As soon as she said hi, I knew something was up. "What's wrong, Gret," before I even responded to her hello. She tried to dodge it, but then got into the fact that she didn't say no to baking and helping her sister-in-law (sil) with the bar-mitzvah in Lakewood this Shabbos.

Finishing up taxes for clients, getting the house back into chametz mode, teaching, taking care of the kids, packing for the trip, and now baking fancy stuff for the bar-mitzvah... Whoa!!! I told her that I was sorry I no longer had this article about how different rebbeim talk about saying no to someone who asks for help in order for you to keep your sanity and to take care of your own family, not to mention having a life of your own. I started giving her a big time shmooze about it.

Gret has a hard time saying no to people. Then she told me that her sil also assumed that she would help set up for the bar mitzvah. I started laughing when Gret told me that she said she would. "Wait a minute, how long has she been living in Lakewood? How many sisters of her own does she have that live nearby? Aren't you coming in from Boston and want to see your sister? Don't you have some shopping you need to do that can't get done in Boston?" Gret started to answer that her sil has 5 sisters and at that point I wailed into her. "Just a sec. You're telling me she has 5 sisters and you have to help set up after driving about 6 hours the night before and after baking all those desserts for her. Give me a break! GRET!!! What are you thinking?!?!?!" I started to crack up and she did too. Then I said that she might as well clean her sil's house, do the laundry, and change the baby's diaper and she stopped me with, "OK, OK, you're right."

Through my laughter I told her "I guess I get to be president then." I had to remind her that in our last conversation she told me that since she was always right and knew everything she might as well run for president. And I said that she definitely should go for it because if she can manage her family and busy schedule then she can definitely run this country.

We discussed what laws she would sign into being i.e. date night once a week, husbands must voluntarily and without sighs, go food shopping and get everything on the list, plus flowers and/or chocolate. Of course, if that were a law it couldn't be considered voluntary.

I heard Baby Joe in the background, saying, "strawbaby". Gret put him on the phone to talk to me. I talk to all the kids and sometimes help with homework (usually science and English) when Gret doesn't have the energy or when the older kids don't want to listen to anything she has to say. In fact, Gret and I used to talk so often (when there were fewer children, she didn't have as many jobs, and I wasn't involved in this crazy long divorce) that Sora Feiga used to hand her mother the phone after she finished davening in the morning and say "Time to call CR."

Anyway, Gret remembered that I tried to call her last night and asked me what was up. I told her I needed someone to laugh about the fact that I got a flat (self-inflicted, I cut the turn too short), it was raining, the tire wasn't in stock, the road hazard warranty for the tire didn't apply, I didn't really have the money to pay for a new tire, I had Tomchei Shabbos deliveries in the car, errands to run, and I had had a gut feeling that something was going to happen to the car last night, but forced myself to try to run the errands anyway. Of course, Gret started cracking up halfway through the list and I joined her when I finished telling her all of it.

Then I told her about Bud and his date prospects, and the fact that I am choosing unavailable guys. "No duh, CR!!!" I told her about Denver and his books and she said that he was weird just like me. Gret also suggested that I still keep talking to him even if I don't feel romantically inclined. Along with that came her warning that it's better to be lonely for awhile than to spend time with someone for even up to a year and be lonely the rest of my life. Looks like she gets to be president again.

Finally, I told her what has been on my mind for quite some time. I am procrastinating finishing up some papers and getting the evidence together. "CR, you and I both do that" and I told her I knew that and I was going to look for my high school year book in which she wrote that I "shouldn't get in my own way" and "DON'T PROCRASTINATE!!"

Surprise, surprise the yearbook is in Kansas along with most of my books. I don't have enough room in Oz for them all. There isn't enough room for DB's books and some of my sephorim. DB's library keeps on growing and so does mine. I believe in having lots of books and since finding out about DB's diagnosis of twice exceptionality (dyslexia, dysgraphia, auditory processing disorder, and some speech [lisp], vision [tracking, convergence and binocularity problems] and ot [occupational therapy] issues along with an extremely high intellect) I have done a tremendous amount of reading and research and have added even more books to our home.

Back to the procrastination... See, I even procrastinate about talking about procrastination... hee hee :) Gret told me to get to work. "NOW!" I sat down and started pulling out papers and she went off to teach third grade.

btw-I kinda got interrupted in my work, by some phone calls. Yes, I know that there is such a thing as voice mail. And then I chose to start writing this post.... Now I have to pick DB up from school. I think I'm going to have to call Gret back again so that this work gets done. I know I'm an adult and I do handle my responsibilities. Hey, if I don't no one else will. But we all need encouragement, support and sometimes a friend yelling in our ear to help us get things done.

update: work is done. yay!!!

Lesson Learned..... Again

I can't do it. I just can't go out with Mr. Man and fool around without feeling anything. There isn't going to be any CSBF. I wrote to him and he responded graciously and that he heard the attachment growing in my voice and understands why we won't be going out. I can't even manage not caring about him and we've only talked on the phone. It could be just because he has the most amazing voice I've ever heard, but I don't think that's the case. Yes, I should have known better, but at least I didn't arrange to meet him even once like I did with NM. Considering I haven't dated or had sex in quite a long time I'm gonna say that I've got one hell of a learning curve. Hopefully, the next person I get interested in will actually be available to me.

OK, OK, I think I'm ready to be honest with myself. It just dawned on me while I was writing that I seem to be picking guys that have no possibility, and the ones that do (like Denver); I feel very little for (romantically). Yup, you guessed it... I'm afraid... petrified is more like it. NJG has some company there. I read his post and totally got it.

But I'm not just afraid of becoming another statistic, I'm also afraid of getting hurt. The hurt that I feel in my chest, that makes it difficult to swallow and brings tears to my eyes. I don't think I'm as strong as imagine myself to be... who knows? Maybe I'm stronger. I've learned to live with a lot the past 13 years. Maybe I'm just not used to feeling this kind of pain...

It's also a little hard because I'm jealous for two reasons. Bud has been talking to people and I'm sure he will be going out with them soon. I'm jealous that they will be able to have fun and spend time with him. The other reason is that it's them he's taking out not me. BUT he's my Bud and I want him to go out, have a good time, and meet someone special. I've been speaking to him about my dating situation and he's been giving me great advice, not to mention listening to me kvetch and feel sorry for myself like I'm doing right now. But that's gotta stop.

I feel a little silly complaining about these things... but I also feel better now that I've written them down and gotten them out of my system.

Maybe Denver will call me today.....

Boy, Am I Happy!

That's right I'm happy... grinning from ear to ear... DB is back. I missed him soooooo much. Having him in my arms made the world right.

I picked him up from his father's and then off we went back to Kansas. That's a lot of driving for one day and I wished that I could take a nap just like DB did within a half hour of us being on the road. Looking at his sleeping face in the rearview mirror almost brought me to tears. Just beneath the surface of that big boy face, I could see the little baby one that I used to look at sleeping in his crib... the sweet chin... the dark lashes brushing his cheeks. I wish I could take care of him and protect him from the world, but that's not possible. Instead I hope that I am giving him the strength, resilience, and confidence that he can get through anything and still find the joy and beauty that the world has to offer.

When we got to Kansas he behaved so beautifully, held the door for Zaidy when he was bringing in groceries. Said thank you to Saba for the new pin for his baseball hat. (It's a Marine baseball hat heavy with ribbons and pins that my dad gives to him each time we're down. OORAH!!!)
And made sure to give Bubbi tons of hugs and kisses.

Boy, do I love this boy!!



DATING UPDATE:

There's a new guy to add to the field and he lives in Denver but is willing to relocate. WOW! I can't believe that there are now two guys willing to relocate. Denver is extremely intelligent, but I don't know if a spark is there or not. I've spoken to him a couple of times now. In CR terms, that means at least an hour conversation each time. He's very well read, extremely well read, and has a love of books that rivals mine including science fiction. And has already sent me an e-mail after we last talked, and will be calling after Yontif even though we've talked about DB and his father and all the issues involved.

NM is still trying to convince me not to relocate, but I've made sure that he understands that it's just going to be one date. He wants it to take place as soon as possible. So maybe even this coming Wednesday night. We've been speaking several times a day. I am not the one doing the calling he is.

Mr. Willing wrote me before Pesach that he is going away, but will contact me as soon as he's back.

It's difficult keeping track of everyone. It helps to write it down. I'm thinking of putting my picture under password again. I'm really not that great at juggling, and I can't remember who I've told what to. Bud's been great, and he's really helping me focus on what's important. Gotta love The Buuuuuud.

One happy mom saying, Good Yontif, Chag Sameach, and all that stuff...... :)