Give Me More

I don't like one word answers. I like reasons, and explanations.

I like to know why something took place or how come you feel a certain way.

I want to understand before I can accept. And I hate the answer that there is no rationale or logic for things to be the way they are.

If you feel a certain way, I want to know how you came to this point.

I don't know if I want to know all of this because I'm curious or because I feel that there is always a causality.

All I do know is that it's easier to explain to me the answer why, as opposed to telling me to do something because you said so. It usually also takes less time.

btw-I've noticed that same thing applies to DB

Just Friends

Dan The Man is Doll's twin brother. When I came back with her to London after seminary there was an instant attraction. Actually I felt that attraction the summer before, but I didn't stay at her house and we didn't have any time to get to know each other. Staying at her house changed everything, well, almost everything.

We talked about everything from religion to science then to music and books. We may not have agreed on everything, but it didn't stop us from enjoying our talks about it. I can remember one night in his room. I don't know where Doll was, and I don't think anyone else was at home. There was electricity in the looks we gave to one another. Then instead of anything happening we talked some more. This time it was about whether or not we were going to go out with each other.

One of the hardest things I've ever done is tell him that there was no way I could ever hurt Doll and to have her two best friends together might make her feel left out. I had talked to Doll earlier in my visit in a roundabout way. She probably saw through it, but didn't come outright and tell me not to date Dan. This was the first time that I chose friendship over going out with a guy.

When I came back to London a couple years later for Doll's wedding I still felt that pull, but Dan The Man was dating someone seriously. I was sooooo jealous and wanted to tell him, but I kept it in. I didn't discuss it with Doll because I came to London to help her feel really good before her special day. I didn't want her focusing on me.

Once again Dan The Man and I were left alone in the house. I don't know how that happened with all the relatives that were in. That's when he mentioned that he was going to propose to his girlfriend. The jealousy and hurt I felt was unbelievable. I have the feeling he knew about some of it. I tried to push it to the back of my mind by flirting with two and fooling around with one of the Chasan's best friends.

I spoke with him a couple years later and it didn't feel like we were an ocean away. I wanted to tell him how I still felt, but I didn't want to do anything to his marriage... so I stopped calling.

The funniest thing is that when Doll and I were talking recently she mentioned that Dan and I had gone out. Whoa!!!! I told her we never had and that it was a thought at decision based on how it might affect her. Man, we could've gone out and it wouldn't have made a difference.... just wishful thinking. I believe that I made the right choice and still have an amazing friend because of it.

Why am I writing about a relationship that never was from about twenty years ago? I spoke to Dan The Man last night... and laughed and talked about intuition and people and I felt that pull. He noticed my laugh and I listened to the cadence and accent in his voice. Grab a Jude Law movie and close your eyes. That's his voice.... exactly. I missed him. Don't know if we're going to talk again any time soon, although he mentioned it.

I sent him something that I wrote from this blog, but I don't think that he'll visit again. Or maybe there's a part of me that wants him to know the way I feel. I just won't act on it. I don't want to come between him and his wife. This time I don't want to hurt him.

How can I miss something I never had?

Shabbos in.... Borough Park!?!?!

Warning: this post is most certainly not rated G



Yes, that's where I was... someone from Kansas in the heart of Jewish Oz with Chassidish, and boy did I have a great time.


It all happened kind of quickly. He came by to see me Thursday night and his smile was so alive, open and welcoming. I was in his outstretched arms in a minute and then his lips were on mine. This is a man who knows how to kiss and loves doing it. We spent over an hour laughing, and enjoying the feel of each other. He made me feel beautiful just by the way he looked at me.

We said goodbye several times until he finally left and then spoke some more on the phone while he drove home. We are both so aware that this will not turn into anything else, and there's so much friendship and caring on both our parts. Friday morning he tried reaching me but DB and I were busy so I didn't speak to him until later.

We had been joking throughout the week that he was coming to me for Shabbos or that I was going to spend it with him. Then in an instant it was decided that I was traveling to Borough Park most definitely a million miles away from Kansas.

He was waiting for me outside and had saved me a parking space. Of course, we had to wait until we were in his apartment before I was in his arms again. Boy, did I love the feel of those strong arms wrapped around me. He lifted me as easily as if I were a doll that belonged to one of his children.

I've never kissed, dated, or been interested in someone chassidish especially not someone who wears a bekeshe (spelling?) and streimel. I don't know whether it was him or chassidish mentality but the way he treated me and looked at me was something that I never really experienced before. I didn't feel at all self-conscious about my body. And that made this one of the most enjoyable experiences of my life. Was it because he was at least two times the size of me (he's way over 6 feet) and that just one of his arms wrapped completely around my waist? Or was it because when we looked at the magazines he bought for me to read (yeah, like I was going to be bored at his apartment if I had nothing to read over Shabbos, or that I would come without reading material.... but then again we did have to come up for air) he didn't drool over the women. He was the one who said that normal people don't look like that. WOW!!! You gotta love a man like that. Plus the fact that he constantly told me I was beautiful even after Shabbos and I was going home.

He looked into my eyes when he talked to me. Believe it or not he wasn't just looking at my body... although, he did mention certain parts he liked. I didn't feel the need to say "Ugh, I hate my ______" when he complimented me and I didn't even think it. Maybe I'm just feeling more self-assured these days. But I really believe that it was because he was into me (pun intended) as a whole not as just individual body parts even if he did have certain preferences.

I don't know if he and I will do this again, (I most definitely wouldn't mind) but I don't regret a minute of it. He made me feel like a woman who was respected, loved and cared for. I came first (don't even say anything... I'm not going to touch this one) in his eyes. There was no pressure, just acceptance. I hope that all of you guys out there either have or will have someone who looks at you and treats you like this. I know I'm going to be looking for it the next time I date someone.

It is obvious that even without the relocation matter he and I would probably not have ended up together. I want someone who I can talk to about books and I imagine he would want someone who understands Yiddish. But there was just no judging by either of us. While he read his Yiddish paper I read Einstein's Universe. Maybe having someone to talk to about science isn't so important. I think I'm going to have to think about that for awhile. This past Shabbos really has changed the way I view things. I welcome the idea of looking at the world or people in a different manner than I previously had.

We spent most of Shabbos in his bed, and it was SO MUCH FUN. Never thought that I would enjoy Shabbos in Borough Park let alone in this manner. I highly recommend it!!!!!!

And now I think I need to get some rest. I'm kind of worn out and that's an understatement.

Who's Right?

It looks like we both are.

Gretel and I finally spoke today. I was so glad that I got a hold of her. Actually, she called me. I thought that she was returning my call from last night, but she told me she never got the message. As soon as she said hi, I knew something was up. "What's wrong, Gret," before I even responded to her hello. She tried to dodge it, but then got into the fact that she didn't say no to baking and helping her sister-in-law (sil) with the bar-mitzvah in Lakewood this Shabbos.

Finishing up taxes for clients, getting the house back into chametz mode, teaching, taking care of the kids, packing for the trip, and now baking fancy stuff for the bar-mitzvah... Whoa!!! I told her that I was sorry I no longer had this article about how different rebbeim talk about saying no to someone who asks for help in order for you to keep your sanity and to take care of your own family, not to mention having a life of your own. I started giving her a big time shmooze about it.

Gret has a hard time saying no to people. Then she told me that her sil also assumed that she would help set up for the bar mitzvah. I started laughing when Gret told me that she said she would. "Wait a minute, how long has she been living in Lakewood? How many sisters of her own does she have that live nearby? Aren't you coming in from Boston and want to see your sister? Don't you have some shopping you need to do that can't get done in Boston?" Gret started to answer that her sil has 5 sisters and at that point I wailed into her. "Just a sec. You're telling me she has 5 sisters and you have to help set up after driving about 6 hours the night before and after baking all those desserts for her. Give me a break! GRET!!! What are you thinking?!?!?!" I started to crack up and she did too. Then I said that she might as well clean her sil's house, do the laundry, and change the baby's diaper and she stopped me with, "OK, OK, you're right."

Through my laughter I told her "I guess I get to be president then." I had to remind her that in our last conversation she told me that since she was always right and knew everything she might as well run for president. And I said that she definitely should go for it because if she can manage her family and busy schedule then she can definitely run this country.

We discussed what laws she would sign into being i.e. date night once a week, husbands must voluntarily and without sighs, go food shopping and get everything on the list, plus flowers and/or chocolate. Of course, if that were a law it couldn't be considered voluntary.

I heard Baby Joe in the background, saying, "strawbaby". Gret put him on the phone to talk to me. I talk to all the kids and sometimes help with homework (usually science and English) when Gret doesn't have the energy or when the older kids don't want to listen to anything she has to say. In fact, Gret and I used to talk so often (when there were fewer children, she didn't have as many jobs, and I wasn't involved in this crazy long divorce) that Sora Feiga used to hand her mother the phone after she finished davening in the morning and say "Time to call CR."

Anyway, Gret remembered that I tried to call her last night and asked me what was up. I told her I needed someone to laugh about the fact that I got a flat (self-inflicted, I cut the turn too short), it was raining, the tire wasn't in stock, the road hazard warranty for the tire didn't apply, I didn't really have the money to pay for a new tire, I had Tomchei Shabbos deliveries in the car, errands to run, and I had had a gut feeling that something was going to happen to the car last night, but forced myself to try to run the errands anyway. Of course, Gret started cracking up halfway through the list and I joined her when I finished telling her all of it.

Then I told her about Bud and his date prospects, and the fact that I am choosing unavailable guys. "No duh, CR!!!" I told her about Denver and his books and she said that he was weird just like me. Gret also suggested that I still keep talking to him even if I don't feel romantically inclined. Along with that came her warning that it's better to be lonely for awhile than to spend time with someone for even up to a year and be lonely the rest of my life. Looks like she gets to be president again.

Finally, I told her what has been on my mind for quite some time. I am procrastinating finishing up some papers and getting the evidence together. "CR, you and I both do that" and I told her I knew that and I was going to look for my high school year book in which she wrote that I "shouldn't get in my own way" and "DON'T PROCRASTINATE!!"

Surprise, surprise the yearbook is in Kansas along with most of my books. I don't have enough room in Oz for them all. There isn't enough room for DB's books and some of my sephorim. DB's library keeps on growing and so does mine. I believe in having lots of books and since finding out about DB's diagnosis of twice exceptionality (dyslexia, dysgraphia, auditory processing disorder, and some speech [lisp], vision [tracking, convergence and binocularity problems] and ot [occupational therapy] issues along with an extremely high intellect) I have done a tremendous amount of reading and research and have added even more books to our home.

Back to the procrastination... See, I even procrastinate about talking about procrastination... hee hee :) Gret told me to get to work. "NOW!" I sat down and started pulling out papers and she went off to teach third grade.

btw-I kinda got interrupted in my work, by some phone calls. Yes, I know that there is such a thing as voice mail. And then I chose to start writing this post.... Now I have to pick DB up from school. I think I'm going to have to call Gret back again so that this work gets done. I know I'm an adult and I do handle my responsibilities. Hey, if I don't no one else will. But we all need encouragement, support and sometimes a friend yelling in our ear to help us get things done.

update: work is done. yay!!!

Existential Son

The existential son has come up with the solution to his problem. The problem being his yearlong quest to find out who/what created Hashem.

We're driving over the GW and I comment on the many colors in the sunset and isn't it amazing that not only has Hashem created beauty in nature, but the lights starting to sparkle in the city buildings are also beautiful. He's quiet so I'm not even sure that he heard me. The next thing I know his voice pops up and says "When I die and go to shmayim I'm going to ask Hashem who created him. Then I will finally know." He continued with, "Becuuuuzz , it just doesn't makes sense." And with great emphasis added "It doesn't follow the laws of physics."

I had to choke back my laughter. He reiterated that the fact that no one created Hashem goes against the laws of science. I had to agree with him. Then I gave him my standard comment when he brings this up. "It's very hard to understand and even adults have problems comprehending this." I have yet to discover a different way to handle this. I had/have these questions sometimes myself, but it didn't start until I was around 11 or 12 years old. He started asking this when he was seven and has been completely frustrated with me for still not having "the answer" for him.

Usually, if I don't know the answer to something he asks I'll tell him so and then say that we should look it up. That's how I have ended up with an extensive knowledge of dinosaurs, geodes, minerals, spiders, Benjamin Franklin(one of his idols along with spiderman) and the revolutionary and civil wars. But I can't look this up in the encyclopedia or google this with him.

Help, anyone?!?!?!?