He's A Nice Guy

...but it's not going to work. Mr. B came by to take me out tonight. I like him, he's sweet, but there's something that's not there. Or maybe there's something that is there.

It annoyed me that he was on his way over before I even told him that I would go out with him tonight. I'm not a foregone conclusion, and I don't like being taken for granted. I told him he was not going to be invited in and he still asked me a couple of times. We'll be friends with maybe some csbf, but that's it. I think he really is a little too young for me.

Mr. Rose does not live in Oz. He mentioned last night that he wants to meet me as soon as possible so it looks like we will be getting together for a weekend in Kansas. We've got a lot in common. He also loves the wind and water and wants to take me to the ocean.

The Ones You Love

OK, so I have the title, but what about the rest.

This is just going to be a rambling post. It feels like I haven't posted in a couple of days. I guess I'm getting used to writing. It's become something that I miss like a loved one far away. Perhaps you don't think of them every second, but when your world gets quiet they fill your thoughts.

I had some strange dreams over Shabbos. And I mean STRANGE! My dreams are usually very vivid and that includes this one. I can even remember the street signs and the names of the people I met. It started with someone moving in next door to my mom's house. A couple around my age, with no kids, and a spotted mutt.

They were celebrating their anniversary with a good friend (guy), and their parents. Somehow I got pulled into it and we were watching old movies. The friend and I were hitting it off because I was impressed with the fact he knew the names of the actors and had seen other movies starring them. Actually, the real reason why I was impressed was that the movies were romantic ones, and he just didn't strike me as the type of guy who would watch them let alone remember them.

I felt pulled towards him and shy and embarrassed at the same time which, of course, caused me to trip over my own feet while helping carry the dessert plates to the kitchen. I could feel my face turn warm, and can feel it right now even though it was only a dream.

You can tell that dream was definitely realistic. Sooo something that I would do. Except in real life the plates would have crashed to the floor breaking into pieces.

When I left the house I couldn't remember his name, and I remember getting all flustered again and hoping he didn't notice. Of course, that wasn't the case. He winked like he knew what I was feeling which ended up with me almost falling down the stairs outside.

My dream somehow shifted to ex-boyfriends. (Yes, I have a lot of them) Moshe was the one who had the starring role. In the dream he wanted to marry me. I thought it was kind of funny in my dream because we cared about each other very much in real life, but I don't think he ever really felt that way about me. Just to let you know, I sometimes recognize the fact that I'm dreaming or that my dreams incorporate so much of real life that during them I'm trying to figure out when things actually took place, or feelings changed.

Back to Moshe... He looked like Moshe, blonde hair, blue eyes, Cubs baseball cap, white T-shirt, blue jeans and several inches taller than I was. He spotted me from his apartment where he was having a party and his buddies started yelling at me to stop. They were shouting that Moshe had something important to ask me. I remember being very surprised because it was during a Cub's game, and nothing came between Mosh and his Cubs, but there he was running across the lawn to me. I started running away once I realized what it was he was going to ask me.

I've always loved Moshe. No! Not like that. Even though, we did fool around a bit. I met Moshe my first year in seminary and we both went back second year. You might think that I was rebellious and didn't respect my teachers and rebbeim, but that wasn't the case, even though he did sleep over in our apartment one night. That was a fun night. And no, I wasn't thrown out, even though I walked into sem the next day sporting a hickey in plain sight.

OK, back to the crazy dream. Before Mosh had a chance to ask me the dream slipped into a different scene. It was Pesach and my family was having a seder with another ex-boyfriend's family. They've never really met, and I remember being surprised that we were all together. The ex wasn't there though. At some point his parents made a disparaging comment about me, and my mother took umbrage. (No, I don't use the word umbrage in my regular speech, but it fits here and it's fun to do.) A big fight ensued and I slipped out the door not wanting to get involved.

That's when Mark, Izzy, and some other exes showed up, and I got lost trying to get to some other friends. I was wearing pink yummy fleece pajamas, my winter coat, my big clodhopper snow boots and my usual baseball cap, Yankees, of course.

The rest of this dream will have to wait...

And I think that I'll also write the post that should go with the above title.

Booty Call

Chassidish and I have been keeping in touch with short "how are you" e-mails when we see each other on Frumster, but last night I got a call from him. I didn't expect it, but it was nice to hear his voice. After talking about kids and joking around for awhile, I finally asked him about why he had stopped calling so suddenly.

I completely understood when he said that he was starting to feel things and since he couldn't relocate he needed some space. He had started off the conversation with, "Are you going out with anyone?" Then he progressed to "Are you still going to be relocating to Kansas?" I answered him no to the first question and yes to the second.

He started joking around and asked me again about relocating. Then he mentioned that he missed me. I was a little surprised at that. Yes, I know men have feelings too. I'm just not usually privy to them especially when they concern me. I asked him how his dating was going and he said he had a few "friends" but no one to date for tachlis. So he's getting some, but wants more from a relationship.

We slipped easily into the flirting and double entendres and I found out he was still at work. It was late, but he usually works late. I told him to go home, but why go home when there's no one there? His voice got deeper (y'all know how voices do it for me), and he said he would go home if I would meet him there. I started laughing and then coughing. My cold got a little worse last night.

"There's no way I'm leaving my bed tonight," was what I said, and he immediately retorted, "That's OK I'll join you there." My coughing started again because the laughter did too. I didn't answer so he tried a roundabout way to get into my bed. He said he couldn't decide if he should head home or to me. I told him to go home, but he finally said he didn't want to and went into specifics which I will NOT elaborate on.

It was kind of flattering and tempting, but I had the feeling that if we started fooling around again it might get hard (pun intended) for him feelings-wise. He's a good guy and I didn't want him to get hurt even though it would've been fun.... a lot of fun.

Rambling Reasons Why AND Growing Older And Growing Up

Well, my last post certainly got some interesting comments and instead of replying to them individually I thought that I would do so here. First and foremost I cannot and will not have sex with someone who I cannot connect with in several important areas. I have to be physically attracted to them... no duh, CR. But I also have to be attracted to their personality. A great looking body alone just doesn't do it for me. You might find it hard to believe but a man's mind and ability to make me laugh does so much more for me than his body (even if it's his body that I ultimately want him for) It doesn't have to make sense to you... it's just the way I am. I just reread that body sentence and it didn't sound completely right.

I don't want someone just for their body. I want the whole person and I would love to have that with one individual for the rest of my life. I just really don't see that happening. Sooooooo.... I will enjoy what I can have friendship, laughter, without the long time commitment.


There are some men it is easier for me to fool around with. What I mean is that it's not a problem for me to have fun and run. What I really mean is that I don't even want a long time relationship with them. Nope what I am trying to say is that I don't crush on them. Meaning I don't think of possibilities or if onlys. It is friendship and sex. I like csbf as a term much better that friends with benefits maybe because I grew up with it or maybe that casual sex between friends means something shared with a friend. Friends with benefits implies (to me that is) that your in a friendship for the benefits.

The more a man exhibits possibilities the more that I cannot just fool around for the sake of mutual enjoyment. My heart starts to get involved. Ugh! My heart... it drives me bonkers...

I'm completely rambling and I don't think I'm responding to any of the comments


ok let me try again... I do believe that these men do care for me as a good friend. Actually I have to view them as a friend before I could enjoy being with them. That connection again...

I wasn't hurt with what happened with Chassidish it's just that I thought that it was funny that he thought he had to run away without just saying I had fun and it was nice but it's done with. I can deal with goodbyes. I'm a big girl or I will be tomorrow. It's my b-day and I'll be thirty-something.

I think that's why I've been feeling down... no, not down, resigned that's the word I was looking for. Resigned to my life. I think that once I truly adjust to it... I can then relax and enjoy it more. It's hard to like what you have when you always want more.


So I need to stop wanting more. Yeah, like that's going to work, I will always want the man with whom I can live the rest of my life, but I've got to be realistic too. And my son's mental, physical, and emotional well-being come way before anything that I might want. I can relate to Tom, Jack's friend, but I know what comes first as opposed to his confusion and conflict. It's easier when it's a matter of safety as opposed to just difficulty it's much easier to make a decision. Yeah, but just try living with it.

I wrote the above earlier today before I talked to Blondie. Ya see, Blondie reads my blog so it's been kind of difficult... well, I haven't been able to write everything I wanted to until now that is. I've been crushing on Blondie. I didn't plan on it. I didn't know or want to start looking at him in a different way.. that there could be a possibility of.... that he has potential (always hated that word, heard it too much from the teachers at school). I was over at Mamasita's helping her get ready for yontif (and talking to her about how much fun Blondie is) when I took a break to call him. Anyhow we started speaking about other things tonight, his kids, frumkeit and then ... he mentioned that he feels the need to distance himself. Funny thing is that I had just said the exact same words to Bud an hour earlier. Of course, Bud mentioned that I have a tendency to crush on guys but.... I didn't feel that way about Chassidish.

It was very brave and honest of Blondie to come out and tell me what's going on with him and of course I reciprocated. I really respect the man. If only he could have been a good lay and that's all. And I told him that too (those exact words as a matter of fact). And he makes me laugh even while talking about it... So what to do.... and he asked and I didn't really want to make a decision and yes, for the fifteenth time I know that not making a decision is a decision in and of itself. He didn't push for one. We left things and said goodnight.

Mamasita looked at my face and asked what was going on. I'm an open book and I know it. I told her and then I got the shmooze. Why it might be best for DB to have a happy mom rather than to relocate. I wanted her to shut up, but I know she's partially right, and that's the kicker there's right on both sides. It's hard enough for me to make a decision about what to wear on a date let alone this stuff. Oh, I just wanted to listen to her and forget. Forget DB's pain, forget the fact that my bro is in Israel so I take care of my parents in Kansas, forget that I could once again be stuck somewhere without my family and have things go all to pieces....

I WANT!!!!! I want to be free.... but I'm a mom.... a confused one but still a mom. That's when I got the call to go pick DB up from his friend's house. He was trying to sleep over, but was just too anxious and scared. I drove over there with tears in my eyes and then swallowed them down. He can't even fall asleep at a friend's house and here I am thinking of keeping him in the place and with the father that makes him feel this way.

But I still wanted to call Blondie and say "hey, what the F... let's try and see where things will take us." He's... but I didn't. I thought some more of Tom and felt horrible for what I wrote earlier (above) in my post.

Anyway... I think I should just stop dating. The possibility of feeling for someone and then having to realize that DB comes first is just heartbreaking. I believe that as a mom DB comes first. Not all the time because then that wouldn't mean being a good mom. I know that I have to take care of myself in order to take care of him and that includes my being happy but....

I don't want to distance myself I'm willing to go through the hurt if it comes, but Blondie doesn't want to and doesn't need to and I respect that. I really should call Gretel, but if I do I'm afraid that she would say the same thing as Mamasita. I told Mamasita jokingly that I didn't want to hear what she was saying and it was only making things more difficult for me. She said that as a friend she felt she needed to say it.

Worst of all I've been hearing all these different love songs on the radio today, and my b-day is tom. Nope my b-day is now... could I feel any sorrier for myself. UGH! CR get real, you're alive and have a beautiful boy who's smile makes your heart fill. Time to grow up and deal.

I'm done feeling sorry for myself, but I... Oh, forget it! Let me just end this post now.

songs I heard today
Delilah, plain white tees
Not Pretty Enough, Kasey Chambers
Bubbly, Colbie Callait
Born To Run, Bruce Springsteen
Do It Anyway, Martina Mcbride
This Kiss, Faith Hill
Crazy Love, Van Morrison

note: this is a big b-day and could be why I'm rambling and feeling all these things...

btw-did answer the comments on my last post individually

Weird

Chassidish didn't call before Shabbos, after Shabbos or today at anytime. I tried to reach him before Shabbos, but his voice mail was full and I wasn't going to call for forever. Anyway we were supposed to get together tonight after I went to the mikvah. I didn't try and call him today because I knew he'd be traveling from the mountains and then working.

I told myself that if I didn't hear from him by 5:30 p.m. I wasn't going to go to the mikva. That way I wouldn't be able to or rather it would help keep me from seeing him because I knew nothing could take place. I didn't want to see him if he called after 5:30 p.m. BECAUSE I didn't want him to think that I'm available whenever he wants. I'm not. If you want to be with me/spend time with me/have csbf then call me and act like a friend. I don't need mushy cards or anything but.....

This is why I am sitting here at home typing instead of with him completely blowing his mind. His loss... of course, it's mine too especially considering that I was really looking forward to some hot and sweaty sex... Anyway, I imagine that I'm not going to hear from him again. Anyone wanna make a bet????

Unto bigger and better things. I should have made the date with Confused Guy for tonight. It's just as well because I worked today and I'm working tomorrow with this gorgeous baby whose laughter is contagious. He feels the same way... sometimes we just giggle at each other.

Teen has been calling me a lot and calling me sweetie and honey. He even went as far as inviting me to a wedding with him at the end of August. No, I wasn't leading him on. What's the deal with men... don't they have any idea of a middle ground. The more I talk to Teen the more I realize he's not for me. He might a good deal older than I am, but there is just some immaturity to him. It's a shame because he has tattoos that he got when he was younger and rebelling. I find tattoos on a man extremely sexy. Don't ask me why? I just do. Actually one or two is enough for me, more and I find it.... not as attractive.

Another hot thing about him is that he speaks several languages including French and Italian. Maybe you remember the movie A Fish Called Wanda (one of my favorites) and how Jamie Lee Curtis went crazy over foreign languages. Voices and languages are definitely turn ons for me.

Teen was supposed to call at 11:30 p.m. and I haven't heard from him. This is hysterical. It must be why I used to call guys and ask them out before they ever had the chance to contact me. Are guys just too scared?? Any of you out there willing to answer? If you are with (as in married, engaged or dating) someone who asked whom out first or who initiated the relationship?

Busy, Busy, Busy...

Most definitely not G rated:
But definitely entertaining

Sooooo sooooooo much has been going on this week, and I haven't had that much time to write about it. Here goes...

1) I drove back and forth to Kansas three times in three days if I've counted it right. My brain is just a little fried from being so tired. And I'm so tired because on Monday I moved a dining room set, credenza and another table out of my great-uncle's non-air conditioned house. Yes, it was about 99 degrees without the heat index. So I took everything a part and actually moved the credenza myself on a dolly. My dad helped me tilt it into the truck so I could pull it up and put it in.

Then I drove the truck back to Oz, and unloaded everything. I did get a little help with the top of the dining room table. I'm a little achy now from all the hard work. And I still need to screw everything back together. But at least I unpacked.

2) Chassidish came over last night and we behaved ourselves... as difficult as it was. He stayed awhile so I didn't get to sleep until late

3) The night before that when I was in Kansas I spent a long time sending messages back and forth to Confused Guy (named by rebel with a cause) who doesn't seem so confused anymore and Teen. I'm calling him that because even though he's a little older (Bud thinks he may be too old for me) he acts and talks young. I don't mean immature, just young and full of life.

4) Someone from Frumster contacted me. Not what you're thinking... someone who works for Frumster. He said that he read my blog and would I let him know my identity. It made me feel like a spy. I told him no and asked why. He wanted to get my input about Frumster and any suggestions I might have. I sent him some and if any of you out there have specific things you want added or changed let me know and I'll pass it along.

But really, after writing about what happened with Bud and now Chassidish did he really think I was going to tell him who I was. He probably would have had me kicked off of Frumster. Do they actually do that?

5) I was also up late this past week working on the trial. Of course, the dates have been changed and there isn't even going to be a pre-trial conference tomorrow. C'est la vie. What can I do? Nothing, so I've chosen not to worry about it and instead take care of the baby again tomorrow.

Now for the unbelievable story.....
I got a phone call last night from a guy I know through frumster. No, I am most definitely not saying who it is because of what he asked. Ok, ok, I'll tell you what he asked... He prefaced it by stating that he never wanted me to speak of it again after our conversation. My ears really perked up then. I answered, "of course" and was quiet waiting for the bomb to drop.

AND THEN IT DID!!! OMIGOSH! OMIGOSH!! OMIGOSH!!!!

He said "How would you like to come out with me tonight to a 'couple's club'?" Then there was silence. I think he wanted to let it sink in. At first I wasn't sure what he meant, but since he was still quiet I realized that it was what I thought it was.... a swinger's club.

HOLY MOLEY!!!! ABSOLUTELY FRIGGIN' UNBELIEVABLE!!! WHOA!!!!!

I didn't know if I should be insulted or not. Then I started thinking about it.... I was curious. C'mon I'm sure that you've all heard of these things going on, but have never been a part of it or known where it was taking place.

Anyway, he broke first and said "Did you understand me?"
"I sure did. What the hell are you thinking??" and then I cracked up and couldn't stop laughing. My stomach started to hurt I was laughing sooo hard. It takes a lot to insult me. Well, obviously.
When I finally started to get quiet he asked me if I would be willing to go. The curiosity really started to get to me. I have this unsatiable desire to find out and learn and see new things and ideas. I really did seriously contemplate it. No, I wasn't going to participate. I just wanted to see for myself. I mean really, it would have made a great story.

But two things prevented me from going: Chassidish was already on his way over, and I didn't feel comfortable going with this guy (the one who asked me, not Chassidish) in particular. Soooo the answer was no. But if he ever asks again.......

I'm supposed to talk to CG and Teen tonight. We'll see how it goes. btw- both are willing to relocate.

Happy News:
Pen went out this week with a really nice girl and they got along great. We've been staying in touch mostly by e-mail and talking about our different dates. There's no flirting going on which makes it easy and comfortable. I'm sooooo happy for him. He's a sweet guy and deserves someone who realizes it and is just as caring. I wish the same for any of us who are single out there.

Not Enough Hours In The Day

Might not have that much time to write for the next couple of days/weeks. The trial is coming up and I also have to get in some paperwork on the appeal.

I was contacted by someone new. Actually, he contacted me a long time ago. I've been on Frumster for several years, but I didn't have a picture up or really write about who I am, because I didn't really have the interest or energy. I recently updated it. So... this new/old guy wrote me. I immediately informed him that I am relocating to Kansas and even though it says he's willing to relocate I've come to find that that refers to only within different neighborhoods in Jersey and NY. He writes back that it won't work.

This morning I get another message. He's changed his mind after staying up all night, and speaking to some rebbeim. Because his ex and her new hubby are relocating with the kids also.

Cool... but was he joking around when he wrote that he contacted 5 different rebbeim? And if so, do I really want to go out with someone like that? I respect that if he feels he has a life changing decision he would like to talk it over with someone. But five someones?!?!?

Update on Chassidish:
We are just having too much fun together. We haven't seen each other since that Shabbos because it would have been very difficult (did I say very, I meant extremely.... nope, what I meant was basically impossible) to keep our hands off each other and I'm in niddah. But we've been speaking on the phone a lot. We are also encouraging one another to answer messages and go on dates. But in the meantime.... Sunday night is mikva night! Yahoo!!!!

btw-need a name for the new guy, any suggestions??

Reading About Dating

On the way to and from Kansas this past week I managed to stop at this book outlet. The prices are pretty good, but they were having a sale so they were even better. If you purchased over $15 of books they would take off 50% of your total. That's an invitation I couldn't resist. Plus there were stacks of books for a buck each.... hardcover books. I had a party. I couldn't hold all the books and they were soon spilling out of the basket I was given..... mysteries (for mom), illustrated classics for children (for DB), books about Marines, battles and Israel (for dad)... Every book I purchased (even if it was for someone else) will be read by me eventually, but I'm the only one in the family reading science fiction, the classics, and books about neurodevelopmental dysfunction, auditory processing disorder, dating , marriage and sex in marriage.


Books are my friends. Yes, I have human friends too. But I've always turned to books as a refuge and as enjoyment. I get lost in the words and the worlds become real. I've been an Indian princess (when I was younger), scientists, explorers of strange worlds, architects, doctors and cowboys not to mention a sorceress who can talk to animals, and a wizard of Earthsea. Whenever a movie comes out about a book I read I always hesitate about seeing it. I don't want to see the story changed or the characters look different than how I picture them... but usually my curiosity gets the better of me. Even when there is a picture of one of the characters on the book I try to ignore it and form my own view.


Kinda got sidetracked or maybe not.... I guess it's to be expected that I would also turn to books for information about dating. I've read lots of these books Mars And Venus On A Date, The Kettle The Fish and The Bird, The Everything Dating Book. I feel that I need as much help as possible because I don't want to end up with the same man twice. That is if I (want to) get married again. Yes, I know that's cynical. Maybe I'm thinking that way as a protection in case it ends up happening (that I don't get married). Deep down I know I would love to spend the rest of my life with someone. I want to share what I love with someone and be quiet with them in front of a fire on a rainy day, and wake up to kids jumping on top of us wanting to play, and go to bed knowing that we would only fall asleep after we were sweaty and out of breath.


Yeah, yeah, I haven't mentioned arguments or bill paying and kids interrupting you in bed because they don't feel well and then happen to throw up all over you. I know what's involved. I just think it would be nice to share it with someone who could kiss me when we makeup and let me handle the bill paying on time, and most of all join in my laughter and cleaning up of the gross stuff after the child is put to bed feeling better.


Obviously, I did some reading about dating this Shabbos. Maybe it will help me later on down the line. I think it might even help me now. One book made me feel better about saying good-bye to Man and to be proud that I didn't continue in a relationship that would end up going nowhere. But the downfall is that it is really more difficult for me to imagine csbf and I really would like sex without any attachments. Having some has left me wanting more except now I think I would like to have it all. There's nothing wrong with that, is there?

Lesson Learned..... Again

I can't do it. I just can't go out with Mr. Man and fool around without feeling anything. There isn't going to be any CSBF. I wrote to him and he responded graciously and that he heard the attachment growing in my voice and understands why we won't be going out. I can't even manage not caring about him and we've only talked on the phone. It could be just because he has the most amazing voice I've ever heard, but I don't think that's the case. Yes, I should have known better, but at least I didn't arrange to meet him even once like I did with NM. Considering I haven't dated or had sex in quite a long time I'm gonna say that I've got one hell of a learning curve. Hopefully, the next person I get interested in will actually be available to me.

OK, OK, I think I'm ready to be honest with myself. It just dawned on me while I was writing that I seem to be picking guys that have no possibility, and the ones that do (like Denver); I feel very little for (romantically). Yup, you guessed it... I'm afraid... petrified is more like it. NJG has some company there. I read his post and totally got it.

But I'm not just afraid of becoming another statistic, I'm also afraid of getting hurt. The hurt that I feel in my chest, that makes it difficult to swallow and brings tears to my eyes. I don't think I'm as strong as imagine myself to be... who knows? Maybe I'm stronger. I've learned to live with a lot the past 13 years. Maybe I'm just not used to feeling this kind of pain...

It's also a little hard because I'm jealous for two reasons. Bud has been talking to people and I'm sure he will be going out with them soon. I'm jealous that they will be able to have fun and spend time with him. The other reason is that it's them he's taking out not me. BUT he's my Bud and I want him to go out, have a good time, and meet someone special. I've been speaking to him about my dating situation and he's been giving me great advice, not to mention listening to me kvetch and feel sorry for myself like I'm doing right now. But that's gotta stop.

I feel a little silly complaining about these things... but I also feel better now that I've written them down and gotten them out of my system.

Maybe Denver will call me today.....

Do I Need To Choose?

Spoke with this guy on the phone last night and found out he was working at the hotel where I was supposed to have been. No, it wasn't Mr. Willing. It's Mr. Maybe-I'll-Move.... that's what it said on his profile on Frumster. I decided not to tell him in a message that I'm going to me moving to Kansas in the summer. The last time I did that this man I really wanted to get to know better wrote back that he wasn't going to be moving anytime soon, and that was after a couple of messages that I thought both of us enjoyed.

Mr. Maybe or MM sounds great, and by that I mean his voice, and his attitude about life etc. His voice is a little deep and it has a sexy sound. I know, I know, you can't base a relationship on sex. And I've learned that maybe now I can't have a casual sexual relationship. That's a real eye-opener. It's not like I've slept around, but in high school and for a few years after I kind of lived by CSBF, casual sex between friends. Sometimes, after I would date a guy we would still fool around... that is until I was exclusive with my next boyfriend. Oh boy, this sure doesn't sound good or make me look good. It sounds worse than it is. I was never considered a slut or anything close to that, and now I don't even know why... Maybe it's because I wasn't using these guys (well, yes I was but let me finish). First and always I was their friend then if we both wanted we would fool around. We were hormone crazy teenagers so there wasn't so many times when we didn't want to.

The last time I was in Kansas I literally ran into one of these guys. I called him Matza when we were dating, and no, his real name was not Pesach. While I was checking out the fantastic school for DB, he turned the corner and almost knocked me over. He had been looking for the principal, saw her and didn't expect anyone else to be in the empty classroom. We came face to face and then he started to turn red and stammer. I don't think that I had ever seen a man blush before. Matza couldn't remember why he was looking for the principal, and I really felt for him and tried making small talk so that she wouldn't realize that he couldn't think straight. After what felt like 10 minutes, but was probably only 30 seconds he was able to get it together a little and ask her for whatever it was he needed. When she left the room to get it his face got even redder, and his stammer came back. Whoa... this is a married man with 5 kids. I guess it's a good idea that I don't really keep in close touch (pun intended) with those guys I dated who are married.

In his defense, things got kind of serious with us. At least he thought they did. He wanted to marry me (marriage proposals are for another post). The funniest thing is that stbx was the only guy that had to be given an ultimatum to propose. It was definitely a sign of things to come.

Back to MM and Willing... I don't know if I can date two guys at once. There obviously hasn't been any talk of exclusivity. It's just that I don't know if I can keep things straight. And what happens if I like one better than the other? Do I unceremoniously dump the guy I don't like as much? But then what if things don't work out with the first one? Can I really expect the second one to go out with me again? How do people do this? UGH!!!!!! I guess dating FMs is the gauntlet I must go through in order to get to the Wonderful Wizard. HELP!!!!