Flirting Is Fun

...and I've been doing a lot of it.

I like boys, men, guys. You get it. I like people of the opposite sex. I enjoy them. The way they think, talk, laugh, and of course feel.

There's someone new that I've been enjoying. No, silly. Not in that way. We've been corresponding. That's how things have been starting for me lately which also includes him reading my blog. He knew that I would be writing about him and even helped me come up with his name. BGB-Bad Good Boy. It fits. He's a good guy with some of the exciting, passionate, sexy, bad boy about him.

He figured out who I was on Frumster, and I wasn't sure how I felt about that at first. But I feel comfortable with it now. I'm not sure if we'll progress any further than flirting, but I'll keep y'all posted.

You are probably wondering what happened to Blondie. Nothing really. Still like him and find him attractive it's just that he isn't able to relocate. I was crushing on him... hard, and trying not to. It helped that I was in niddah and we didn't get together for awhile. Plus with yontif we haven't had that much time to talk. I did kinda ask him out for next Sat. night, but he's got a lot on his plate and wasn't able to commit to it. I understand, but my free nights are few and far between so I like to make sure that I can enjoy them if possible.

Rambling Reasons Why AND Growing Older And Growing Up

Well, my last post certainly got some interesting comments and instead of replying to them individually I thought that I would do so here. First and foremost I cannot and will not have sex with someone who I cannot connect with in several important areas. I have to be physically attracted to them... no duh, CR. But I also have to be attracted to their personality. A great looking body alone just doesn't do it for me. You might find it hard to believe but a man's mind and ability to make me laugh does so much more for me than his body (even if it's his body that I ultimately want him for) It doesn't have to make sense to you... it's just the way I am. I just reread that body sentence and it didn't sound completely right.

I don't want someone just for their body. I want the whole person and I would love to have that with one individual for the rest of my life. I just really don't see that happening. Sooooooo.... I will enjoy what I can have friendship, laughter, without the long time commitment.


There are some men it is easier for me to fool around with. What I mean is that it's not a problem for me to have fun and run. What I really mean is that I don't even want a long time relationship with them. Nope what I am trying to say is that I don't crush on them. Meaning I don't think of possibilities or if onlys. It is friendship and sex. I like csbf as a term much better that friends with benefits maybe because I grew up with it or maybe that casual sex between friends means something shared with a friend. Friends with benefits implies (to me that is) that your in a friendship for the benefits.

The more a man exhibits possibilities the more that I cannot just fool around for the sake of mutual enjoyment. My heart starts to get involved. Ugh! My heart... it drives me bonkers...

I'm completely rambling and I don't think I'm responding to any of the comments


ok let me try again... I do believe that these men do care for me as a good friend. Actually I have to view them as a friend before I could enjoy being with them. That connection again...

I wasn't hurt with what happened with Chassidish it's just that I thought that it was funny that he thought he had to run away without just saying I had fun and it was nice but it's done with. I can deal with goodbyes. I'm a big girl or I will be tomorrow. It's my b-day and I'll be thirty-something.

I think that's why I've been feeling down... no, not down, resigned that's the word I was looking for. Resigned to my life. I think that once I truly adjust to it... I can then relax and enjoy it more. It's hard to like what you have when you always want more.


So I need to stop wanting more. Yeah, like that's going to work, I will always want the man with whom I can live the rest of my life, but I've got to be realistic too. And my son's mental, physical, and emotional well-being come way before anything that I might want. I can relate to Tom, Jack's friend, but I know what comes first as opposed to his confusion and conflict. It's easier when it's a matter of safety as opposed to just difficulty it's much easier to make a decision. Yeah, but just try living with it.

I wrote the above earlier today before I talked to Blondie. Ya see, Blondie reads my blog so it's been kind of difficult... well, I haven't been able to write everything I wanted to until now that is. I've been crushing on Blondie. I didn't plan on it. I didn't know or want to start looking at him in a different way.. that there could be a possibility of.... that he has potential (always hated that word, heard it too much from the teachers at school). I was over at Mamasita's helping her get ready for yontif (and talking to her about how much fun Blondie is) when I took a break to call him. Anyhow we started speaking about other things tonight, his kids, frumkeit and then ... he mentioned that he feels the need to distance himself. Funny thing is that I had just said the exact same words to Bud an hour earlier. Of course, Bud mentioned that I have a tendency to crush on guys but.... I didn't feel that way about Chassidish.

It was very brave and honest of Blondie to come out and tell me what's going on with him and of course I reciprocated. I really respect the man. If only he could have been a good lay and that's all. And I told him that too (those exact words as a matter of fact). And he makes me laugh even while talking about it... So what to do.... and he asked and I didn't really want to make a decision and yes, for the fifteenth time I know that not making a decision is a decision in and of itself. He didn't push for one. We left things and said goodnight.

Mamasita looked at my face and asked what was going on. I'm an open book and I know it. I told her and then I got the shmooze. Why it might be best for DB to have a happy mom rather than to relocate. I wanted her to shut up, but I know she's partially right, and that's the kicker there's right on both sides. It's hard enough for me to make a decision about what to wear on a date let alone this stuff. Oh, I just wanted to listen to her and forget. Forget DB's pain, forget the fact that my bro is in Israel so I take care of my parents in Kansas, forget that I could once again be stuck somewhere without my family and have things go all to pieces....

I WANT!!!!! I want to be free.... but I'm a mom.... a confused one but still a mom. That's when I got the call to go pick DB up from his friend's house. He was trying to sleep over, but was just too anxious and scared. I drove over there with tears in my eyes and then swallowed them down. He can't even fall asleep at a friend's house and here I am thinking of keeping him in the place and with the father that makes him feel this way.

But I still wanted to call Blondie and say "hey, what the F... let's try and see where things will take us." He's... but I didn't. I thought some more of Tom and felt horrible for what I wrote earlier (above) in my post.

Anyway... I think I should just stop dating. The possibility of feeling for someone and then having to realize that DB comes first is just heartbreaking. I believe that as a mom DB comes first. Not all the time because then that wouldn't mean being a good mom. I know that I have to take care of myself in order to take care of him and that includes my being happy but....

I don't want to distance myself I'm willing to go through the hurt if it comes, but Blondie doesn't want to and doesn't need to and I respect that. I really should call Gretel, but if I do I'm afraid that she would say the same thing as Mamasita. I told Mamasita jokingly that I didn't want to hear what she was saying and it was only making things more difficult for me. She said that as a friend she felt she needed to say it.

Worst of all I've been hearing all these different love songs on the radio today, and my b-day is tom. Nope my b-day is now... could I feel any sorrier for myself. UGH! CR get real, you're alive and have a beautiful boy who's smile makes your heart fill. Time to grow up and deal.

I'm done feeling sorry for myself, but I... Oh, forget it! Let me just end this post now.

songs I heard today
Delilah, plain white tees
Not Pretty Enough, Kasey Chambers
Bubbly, Colbie Callait
Born To Run, Bruce Springsteen
Do It Anyway, Martina Mcbride
This Kiss, Faith Hill
Crazy Love, Van Morrison

note: this is a big b-day and could be why I'm rambling and feeling all these things...

btw-did answer the comments on my last post individually

In The Light Of Day Or Dr. Jekyll And Ms. Hyde

For some reason I tend to make relationship and dating mistakes after the sun has gone down. Some part of me emerges and takes control or maybe some part of me disappears and I lose control and become more involved with my feelings rather than follow what my intellect knows is the best path.

I received a message from Pen-Pal and wouldn't you know he started calling himself that on his own. I don't think he reads this blog even though he did start using that term immediately after my post. I thought I had a handle on things because even though we were corresponding it was still through frumster. It is now obvious to me that things have gotten out of control; my control that is. Pen's most recent message from two nights ago is doing the "Well, what if you met someone and fell in love? Wouldn't you stay in Oz?" and the "Are you sure you have to relocate?" I didn't lead him on or maybe I'm not aware that I am. What I just realized (UH, DUH!!! ) is that any contact or messaging is encouraging. Another lesson learned. What number am I up to now???

What to do? Since it's the light of day and I making sure to write him NOW, I know I should just say "Thanks, but I don't think it would be fair to either of us." Just to let you know he and I already agreed on this point, but I guess it needs to be reiterated. It should be my mantra. He even admitted to previously having a long distance relationship, it didn't work out, and he was left very hurt.

It appears to me that some people including me find the need for romantic contact or rather want someone to love them that they will even start a relationship that's bound to end in heartache. BTW-present company is always excluded. I don't know all you guys well enough to speak for you or your actions. I feel responsible. Actually I'm not going to accept full blame he's also responsible it takes two to tango.

Am I just too afraid to go out with someone available to me that I start a relationship with someone who is unavailable? Yes, I know that I am not the one who is starting i.e. I don't e-mail someone after they tell me they are unable to move. I also don't contact someone again who I've already discovered they are gud (geographically undesirable).

There's just one more thing to add into this mix I am a big flirt and it feels good to know that someone is interested in me. Actually, it feels DAMN GOOD!!! I've missed that... I'm the type of person that will smile at the guy behind me in line, start a conversation in the refrigerated section about yogurts, or wink at the guy stuck next to me in traffic. BUT I also smile at other women and talk to them too. I like getting reflex smile from someone who then realizes what they've done and smiles even broader because it feels good.

Does anyone else out there find their inhibitions and control falter once the stars come out? I'm talking about this happening without any other substances i.e. alcohol.