Here Comes Date Week

So far I've got a date with Mr. B-Ball but that is predicated upon whether or not he has the energy after working a double shift the night before. He wants to take me to see the fireworks. He said it would be a very romantic first date, and I agree. Every time we talk I feel so at ease with him, and he feels comfortable enough to tease me about something I wrote to him. We both start laughing whenever he does this.

Then I have the date with Denver on Friday. Finally, we meet. I'm going to give him a call on Monday and make sure we're still on.

OH!!! Mr. Wonderful/Not-So contacted me Thursday night. He im'ed me and wrote that he felt bad that he hadn't contacted me. He certainly had enough time it was just about two weeks from our date on that Friday, and I had called him the Sat. night and Sun. after the date. Plus, I wrote him a goodbye message on Frumster that he read as soon as I sent it to him on Wednesday of that week.

Anyway, he said that he had some concerns and he wasn't sure about how to proceed after our date. Then he wrote that he couldn't enjoy the music of Regina Spektor because he felt bad about how he left things. Basically, he was looking for absolution. He wanted to send me some of her CD's that he got for me as a penance. I didn't let him off that easy, but in the end I did forgive him. Everyone does dumb things, including me and who am I to hold a grudge especially when he feels bad and apologizes.

Pen-Pal let me know about the Shabbaton in Baltimore, and that there were maybe only 6 guys that would have been for me and who knows if they were willing to relocate. He met someone and I hope things go well for him. We talked and he said something which really hit home for me.... "Don't think about what you can give him. Think about what he brings to the table."

This is great advice for me because I am usually thinking about how the person views me. I should be concentrating on what he has to give to a relationship. AND that is what I intend to do this week.

It's All For The Best OR Thank You Hashem

I should realize at this point that there's a reason for everything. I know there are some of you out there who do not believe that Hashem is involved in the day to day dealings of us mere humans. I beg to disagree; at least this has been my experience. Instead of thinking like that yesterday I only felt sorry for myself that things weren't working out for me the way I wanted; which would not have necessarily been the best for me.
Almost every time I think that I have things under control I am reminded that I don't have control of everything and that it really comes from Hashem. I know that I sound all "frummy" but let me explain.

I just a call from Doll she spoke with Mr. Wonderful/Not-So-Wonderful's friends AND they told her to tell me to stay away. "He's mentally unstable" So it really was for the best that he didn't call me back. If he had, who's to say what could have happened. Soooooo.... thank you Hashem because I most certainly didn't see who he was and ultimately it could've/would've been bad for me and DB.

I guess I'm lucky in that I get to see some of these reasons of why things have worked out in certain ways this quickly. Soooo.... after another knock upside my head I have to acknowledge that I may not necessarily know what's best for me all the time and be able to control things around me all the time AND THAT IS REALLY NOT A BAD THING.

And the $50,000, well, money most certainly isn't everything. It sure would make life a little easier... OK, OK, a lot easier, but being in a healthy relationship is certainly worth that amount. Plus the fact that DB is still in my custody and I can try to take care of him to the best of my abilities. Boruch Hashem we are both alive, healthy (for the most part) and able to laugh and enjoy life. I just read the post on kindness happens and it brings the point home.

Thank you all for listening/reading (I write like I talk so to me it's like you are listening) to me kvetch, whine, cry... I'm over it now and moving on. But it definitely feels good to know that there are people out there who care. Hashem has taught me another lesson... that I'm not alone.... just by not getting a phone call.

Ups And Downs OR Justice And The Law Are Not The Same

I really try very hard to stay positive, but sometimes I just feel beaten down. Like today, just got some news from my attorney about the divorce and an unjust decision by the court. It looks like another appeal I have to write and write it I damn well will!!!! I don't curse, unless you consider saying "fudge" a curse word. In fact, you can ask Bud. He used to comment on that a lot when we were going out.

I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes so frustrated because it feels like things will never end. It also feels like if you don't have money or aren't psycho the system is bound to eat you alive. BUT I just won't give up. No matter what DB is counting on me (even if he doesn't know it) to take care of him and make sure that he doesn't get hurt... physically, emotionally, mentally. Sometimes it's a helluva lot for my shoulders to bear so of course it makes me wish for someone else in my life to tell me it's gonna be okay.

That's what makes this next part so funny (ironically, of course). Friday's date was great. Mr. Wonderful stood outside the restaurant in the street to save me a parking space. When we saw each other we just smiled for awhile and laughed. When we ate he was staring into my eyes for minutes at a time, and then he volunteered some more very personal stuff about himself and his family. After we ate and went back to the car he gave me a book. The one we had been discussing. Time Travel In Einstein's Universe about the physical possibilities of time trave. (Bud, you might like this, but I'm not sure how you feel about physics and there's a lot of it in the book).

I drove him to his friend's house and we got stuck in traffic for two hours. But there was never a lack of anything to say and even when we got quiet for a moment or two it was easy and comfortable. Sooo this is my question... why haven't I heard from him? He's been on Frumster and has definitely seen me on Frumster.

Now I'm just waiting for the third thing to happen. Haven't you ever heard of bad things coming in threes? At least I'm prepared and waiting for the shoe to drop.

Days like these make me ask "WHY???" Why does Hashem put so much hurt in this world? Why do children have to suffer? Why can't Hashem sometimes let up and help me help my son?

I know, I know.... I'm getting overemotional. I mean really, what does $50,000 mean to someone who is so deep in debt that the credit card companies aren't even bringing her to court for judgements because it would just be a waste of their money since I have no assets. You gotta laugh at that one... I do... I'm on pretty good terms with a lot to the collectors and at this point believe it or not they're nice to me.

I'm disappointed... No duh, CR and I'm talking to myself. It's just that I thought there was something good going on with Mr. Not-So-Wonderful. All you have to do is say or write I'm busy or I don't think this right for me. Jesus Christ!!!!! What is so hard about that??? Well, I'm not a guy and I'm most certainly not an insecure, unfeeling guy so I can't really speak for .....
I'm just not into game playing. I'm straight out honest and I guess you could say extremely naive. I'm just not cut out for Oz. I kind of hope and expect that decency and justice rules the world when in fact I'm constantly faced with the opposite.

Now that I have thoroughly brought all the rest of you down with me, it's time to just forget about it and keep on trying and moving forward. Sometimes though I would like to just hop on a plane to Hawaii or Venice or Eretz Yisrael. Doesn't Hashem listen to tefillos?? And when is it going to end??

Enough, enough, already!!!! It's time to tell you how funny it was that I woke up very early this morning and couldn't get back to sleep. Guess who was on Frumster??? Yup, Mr. Not-So-Wonderful. Ohh, forgot to tell you that I probably broke the rules when I left him a message after Shabbos asking how his went? And then when I texted him a thank you for the book. Whatever... I'm not a rules person...

Anyway, now that I've been rambling self-pity it's time to stop. Hey!!!!!! School is almost out!!! I was never even this happy about school ending when I was a kid. It's just that it's so stressful for DB and I can't wait!!! I've been keeping him posted on how many days he has left.

Before I forget-- Happy Father's Day for all you good dads out there who care about, love and put your children first. Your children will be forever grateful that you did.

Mr. Wonderful

WOW! Those were his words about my profile. But those are my thoughts about him. We wrote back and forth on Frumster for awhile and then im'ed for another half hour. Until we both realized how comfortable we were with each other that at the same time he asked for my number I supplied it.

His voice.... yes, you all know that I have a thing for voices... well, he has a British accent. I wasn't sure if I liked it at first. I thought that it sounded a little formal, but then as we continued talking I felt so at ease that now I absolutely adore his accent. We spoke for about four hours on the phone. Neither of us wanted to hang up, but he finally did. He has somewhere he needs to be at 8:30.

We talked about children, parents, imaginary numbers, physics, Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy, and even some gemara about carrying things on Shabbos (not picking something up if it's at rest and what at rest means exactly). He was quoting Tosfos verbatim to me.

He told me some things that were very personal, but it didn't feel like anything was being rushed... except for time shooting by while we were on the phone. He told me that for the past week he had been reading my profile once a day and kept on seeing different aspects of me in it. He finally decided to contact me and boy, I am sure glad he did.

I have a date or rather "we have a plan" - his words. Friday lunch in the city. He's flying in to Oz tomorrow night/tonight for a meeting on Friday, and he's staying for Shabbos and Sunday out in Queens with friends. DB is with his father for the weekend so maybe I will have a date Sat. night too. I already have plans with fellow blogger sw/fm for basketball on Sunday.

He's understanding, caring, funny, intelligent.... yes, I'm gushing, but this was really unbelievable. He's not crazy and trying to make things rush. But he is very interested. AND ...drum roll please he has no problem with relocating to Kansas. You read it correctly no problem at all.

I need some help. I know that I've been living in Oz for quite a long time, but I really haven't gone out with stbx or anyone else (excluding Bud) to any restaurants. He would like to get some good fried chicken for lunch where should we go????? In Manhattan

I HAVE A DATE!!!!!!!!! Omigosh what am I going to wear?????

btw-I'm going to check him out with a very good friend of mine who lives in England. He went to school with her twin brother. I'll keep you posted