The Ones You Love

OK, so I have the title, but what about the rest.

This is just going to be a rambling post. It feels like I haven't posted in a couple of days. I guess I'm getting used to writing. It's become something that I miss like a loved one far away. Perhaps you don't think of them every second, but when your world gets quiet they fill your thoughts.

I had some strange dreams over Shabbos. And I mean STRANGE! My dreams are usually very vivid and that includes this one. I can even remember the street signs and the names of the people I met. It started with someone moving in next door to my mom's house. A couple around my age, with no kids, and a spotted mutt.

They were celebrating their anniversary with a good friend (guy), and their parents. Somehow I got pulled into it and we were watching old movies. The friend and I were hitting it off because I was impressed with the fact he knew the names of the actors and had seen other movies starring them. Actually, the real reason why I was impressed was that the movies were romantic ones, and he just didn't strike me as the type of guy who would watch them let alone remember them.

I felt pulled towards him and shy and embarrassed at the same time which, of course, caused me to trip over my own feet while helping carry the dessert plates to the kitchen. I could feel my face turn warm, and can feel it right now even though it was only a dream.

You can tell that dream was definitely realistic. Sooo something that I would do. Except in real life the plates would have crashed to the floor breaking into pieces.

When I left the house I couldn't remember his name, and I remember getting all flustered again and hoping he didn't notice. Of course, that wasn't the case. He winked like he knew what I was feeling which ended up with me almost falling down the stairs outside.

My dream somehow shifted to ex-boyfriends. (Yes, I have a lot of them) Moshe was the one who had the starring role. In the dream he wanted to marry me. I thought it was kind of funny in my dream because we cared about each other very much in real life, but I don't think he ever really felt that way about me. Just to let you know, I sometimes recognize the fact that I'm dreaming or that my dreams incorporate so much of real life that during them I'm trying to figure out when things actually took place, or feelings changed.

Back to Moshe... He looked like Moshe, blonde hair, blue eyes, Cubs baseball cap, white T-shirt, blue jeans and several inches taller than I was. He spotted me from his apartment where he was having a party and his buddies started yelling at me to stop. They were shouting that Moshe had something important to ask me. I remember being very surprised because it was during a Cub's game, and nothing came between Mosh and his Cubs, but there he was running across the lawn to me. I started running away once I realized what it was he was going to ask me.

I've always loved Moshe. No! Not like that. Even though, we did fool around a bit. I met Moshe my first year in seminary and we both went back second year. You might think that I was rebellious and didn't respect my teachers and rebbeim, but that wasn't the case, even though he did sleep over in our apartment one night. That was a fun night. And no, I wasn't thrown out, even though I walked into sem the next day sporting a hickey in plain sight.

OK, back to the crazy dream. Before Mosh had a chance to ask me the dream slipped into a different scene. It was Pesach and my family was having a seder with another ex-boyfriend's family. They've never really met, and I remember being surprised that we were all together. The ex wasn't there though. At some point his parents made a disparaging comment about me, and my mother took umbrage. (No, I don't use the word umbrage in my regular speech, but it fits here and it's fun to do.) A big fight ensued and I slipped out the door not wanting to get involved.

That's when Mark, Izzy, and some other exes showed up, and I got lost trying to get to some other friends. I was wearing pink yummy fleece pajamas, my winter coat, my big clodhopper snow boots and my usual baseball cap, Yankees, of course.

The rest of this dream will have to wait...

And I think that I'll also write the post that should go with the above title.

Becoming Jane

Happy endings can be written
but not lived with the passion
and yearning for their life together

Alone in the future with words for company
each story ending with love
while her own must continue without
not willing to hurt him through his family

Doing what is right and necessary
Instead of what is wanted
For a love never to be lived
but imagined and dreamt
Created with characters

each one, him
each hero, him

because her thoughts are full of him
and the only way to rid herself of them
is to give them to others
as she has given him to others

Everyday, every night
She remembers his behaviors and tones
With a smile on her face.
Hoping that he is happy
That what she has lost
He has gained without her

She was never erased
Always a reminder
In a name of a beloved child

It does not still the beating of her heart
or dry the tears on her soul

He has not forgotten


If only he had,
then perhaps one day she will.

When We're Married....

Teen, this man that I met on Frumster has been talking as if we are going to get married. He has not met me, and I have not led him on in any way. I haven't been sliding any sexual innuendos into our conversations and I most certainly haven't been talking about marriage. GEEZ LOUISE!!! I haven't even told him that I like him.

I was speaking to a friend of mine tonight and I mentioned that Teen is not the first guy who has brought up marriage before we have even met and without me encouraging the topic in anyway. I have been trying to figure it out. Am I doing something.... am I saying something.... am I choosing to answer the messages of guys who do this? I figure it must be me because this happens so often. Or maybe not... maybe it's just that the guys out there want to get married and when they find someone they enjoy talking to and who listens to them they set their hopes on her.

But it's not like Teen has proposed or anything like that. Although, I do feel he is rushing things.... A LOT.

This got me to thinking about past relationships and how close some of them have come to marriage. I think that I might have led on some of them. Nope, changed my mind.... I think that I loved them, but when it came down to the wire I couldn't think of spending my life with them.

Of course, the first two happened even before I was twenty. One my senior year of high school and he was a college senior. The other one happened that summer after I graduated. I broke it off with both of them. As much as I liked dreaming about being married I was most certainly not ready and neither of them were the right guy for me.

The next two guys were after seminary. One was a divorced older guy and good friends with the guy who asked me two summers earlier. The other wasn't Jewish, but he was the closest I came to saying yes before I met my stbx. Part of the draw to Not-Jewish was his family background William James, psychologist, Henry James, author, Maxfield Parrish and Jean Parrish, artists. How I came to go out with Not-Jewish is for another time. Then there was the Israeli guy, best friends with Doll's husband. He thought that since we made out we would be getting married. There wasn't even any sex and he didn't speak any English, but I did speak Hebrew.

After stbx, there was Mr. Complex (as in Napoleon) and Mr. Move To Israel, and now Teen. Am I giving off marriage vibes like some sort of pheromones through the phone lines??

Just Friends

Dan The Man is Doll's twin brother. When I came back with her to London after seminary there was an instant attraction. Actually I felt that attraction the summer before, but I didn't stay at her house and we didn't have any time to get to know each other. Staying at her house changed everything, well, almost everything.

We talked about everything from religion to science then to music and books. We may not have agreed on everything, but it didn't stop us from enjoying our talks about it. I can remember one night in his room. I don't know where Doll was, and I don't think anyone else was at home. There was electricity in the looks we gave to one another. Then instead of anything happening we talked some more. This time it was about whether or not we were going to go out with each other.

One of the hardest things I've ever done is tell him that there was no way I could ever hurt Doll and to have her two best friends together might make her feel left out. I had talked to Doll earlier in my visit in a roundabout way. She probably saw through it, but didn't come outright and tell me not to date Dan. This was the first time that I chose friendship over going out with a guy.

When I came back to London a couple years later for Doll's wedding I still felt that pull, but Dan The Man was dating someone seriously. I was sooooo jealous and wanted to tell him, but I kept it in. I didn't discuss it with Doll because I came to London to help her feel really good before her special day. I didn't want her focusing on me.

Once again Dan The Man and I were left alone in the house. I don't know how that happened with all the relatives that were in. That's when he mentioned that he was going to propose to his girlfriend. The jealousy and hurt I felt was unbelievable. I have the feeling he knew about some of it. I tried to push it to the back of my mind by flirting with two and fooling around with one of the Chasan's best friends.

I spoke with him a couple years later and it didn't feel like we were an ocean away. I wanted to tell him how I still felt, but I didn't want to do anything to his marriage... so I stopped calling.

The funniest thing is that when Doll and I were talking recently she mentioned that Dan and I had gone out. Whoa!!!! I told her we never had and that it was a thought at decision based on how it might affect her. Man, we could've gone out and it wouldn't have made a difference.... just wishful thinking. I believe that I made the right choice and still have an amazing friend because of it.

Why am I writing about a relationship that never was from about twenty years ago? I spoke to Dan The Man last night... and laughed and talked about intuition and people and I felt that pull. He noticed my laugh and I listened to the cadence and accent in his voice. Grab a Jude Law movie and close your eyes. That's his voice.... exactly. I missed him. Don't know if we're going to talk again any time soon, although he mentioned it.

I sent him something that I wrote from this blog, but I don't think that he'll visit again. Or maybe there's a part of me that wants him to know the way I feel. I just won't act on it. I don't want to come between him and his wife. This time I don't want to hurt him.

How can I miss something I never had?