Over It

What Yossi wrote in the comments of my last posts kind of hit home and helped a lot. I spoke to Mr. Rose tonight. I was calm and quiet and told him what hurt me and instead of saying the negative of not doing it in the future, I asked him to do the positive of what I want. What I need from him.

He responded like the wonderful, amazing man he is and apologized and said that he would do it in the future. Then I mentioned that I knew that he knew that something had been bothering me and I asked him why he hadn't brought it up. He answered that he knew I would talk to him about it when I was ready. He was right. Ugh!! He's right an awful lot.

So things are fine now... but I just didn't realize how hurt or angry he could make me. Whoa!!! It freaks me out a little to feel those things so strongly, but I guess that goes along with how strongly I care for and about him.

I love him so I'll keep going and learn along the way. I'm so glad I have this blog as a release and for the support and advice y'all give me. It helps!!! so so so much!!! Thank you!!

A Man With A Slow Hand

Mr. Rose came to town. The funny thing about it was that I wasn't shy when I saw him again. Yes, I know, it doesn't make sense, especially after you've read about me but I do get shy on occasion.

When Mr. Rose and I first met I had a hard time meeting his eyes with mine. But not yesterday.

Anyway, on to the good stuff. He came to Oz just to see me. I had a meeting and work so we didn't even get to spend that much time together, BUT what time we did have was, ummmm, well spent. ;-) Again, y'all have your minds in the gutters. I'm referring to dinner together and then a long walk around my neighborhood while we talked and enjoyed being with one another. The air had cooled. The stars were out, and sweat didn't coat our palms when we held hands. Couldn't ask for more...

Speaking of hands, that's always one of the first things that I always notice about a man, and not for the reason that most of you think. Hands denote strength and security to me which I find very sexy.

The hands on Mr. Rose are wonderful and he knows how to use them. Boy, does he ever!!! One word - WOW! I couldn't get enough of them. My body is reacting just thinking about him and what he can do with them. WHOA NELLIE!!

I got another package from him today. It included an alarm clock and two movies. You need an alarm clock when you're busy and not getting too much sleep.

He went back home today, and I went to work. I'm tired and can't sleep because... Well, I'll just leave that one to your imagination.

btw-Hit my head on the night table and the wall. Don't even ask

A Visit

Mr. Rose is coming to Oz to have dinner with me. We talk everyday, and I've been getting to know him better as a person, friend and especially a man. He sent me more music and his understanding of who I am blows me away. He is kind and loving which is something that I have been searching for but there is so much strength and passion contained within him. I thought that I might have to forgo that.

Even if things don't work out between us, I have learned so much about myself from him.

But I think I just might want to give it a try.

btw-Tripped GOING UP the stairs to work yesterday. Everyone, including me, got a good laugh out of that one.

Bye Bye

Lots Going On

I heard from Mr. B tonight, and he really wants to go out again. BUT he understands that I have a lot going on right now. It was very considerate and understanding of him... so maybe I'll think about it. In the meantime, we're just going to be friends.

I had a wonderful Shabbos with Mr. Rose. He's a good, sweet man, but I just don't know. We went out Sat. night too. Of course I had to prove how amazingly graceful I was and fell off some bleachers (onto the grass). At least ,there was no blood just some bruises and a red face.

BGB also called tonight and we had fun talking for awhile. It looks like we might get together sometime soon.

And I really have to get back to someone on Frumster who wanted to set me up with a friend of his. GEEZ LOUISE!!! Just when I don't have time everyone is interested. WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?!??!?

Broken

I Hope You Dance

Trying To Forget

I've been trying to forget him. It hasn't been working too well, but maybe now it will. It's good-bye.

I wrote these two posts before. I put one up and took it down... hoping.



Surprised

That he didn't say good-bye.

But should I be? What else am I to think?

There is so much to write and say that the words are stuck in my chest and have started climbing to my throat along with the ache. I won't allow it to go any further. I'll swallow it down. I won't allow myself to hurt like this. I won't have to worry about hanging in limbo.

Maybe it was all of my own making. Maybe I saw more in him than was really there. Maybe it's just not meant to be. Maybe he just discovered who I really was or thinks he has. Maybe he has too much going on. Maybe he's just too tired, lazy, afraid or doesn't feel what he thought was there. And maybe I shouldn't be coming up with excuses for him. He's just not that into me. That's it... plain and simple.

I opened myself up to him more than I have done with any other man I've known, felt more for him than I thought was possible. I'm glad I did. I hope he has a good life and will be happy. I know that I will.

Goodbye



I'm Not So Smart

Sometimes, I'm just not so smart. I don't need to be hit over the head with a baseball bat to realize that someone just doesn't feel the same way. Yeah, I'm beating myself up.

I just thought... I just thought he cared the way I did. It shouldn't hurt to know that he doesn't. It should make me feel better. It should make me feel relieved and even happy, but it doesn't. I'll miss him.

He made me smile and feel good inside. But then he also made me cry. I just wasn't going to do it in front of him. I never felt that way for someone, and there's no way in hell I'm going to let myself feel that way again. It just hurts too much.

I'm going to forget him, and everything about him.

I'm strong. I may not be smart sometimes, but I'm strong enough to get through this. And I'm not stupid enough to let myself get hurt like this again. I wish I didn't feel. I wish the pain would just leave the way he has. It hurts.

I know that I deserve someone who wants me. But you know what, I don't think I'm going to open myself up to that.

He's A Nice Guy

...but it's not going to work. Mr. B came by to take me out tonight. I like him, he's sweet, but there's something that's not there. Or maybe there's something that is there.

It annoyed me that he was on his way over before I even told him that I would go out with him tonight. I'm not a foregone conclusion, and I don't like being taken for granted. I told him he was not going to be invited in and he still asked me a couple of times. We'll be friends with maybe some csbf, but that's it. I think he really is a little too young for me.

Mr. Rose does not live in Oz. He mentioned last night that he wants to meet me as soon as possible so it looks like we will be getting together for a weekend in Kansas. We've got a lot in common. He also loves the wind and water and wants to take me to the ocean.

OORAH!!!!

I ended up going out on the date tonight and I just got home. My cold was just about gone this afternoon so I didn't cancel on Mr. B. We had a very good time, and I saw Steve from Sex And The City.

Actually I had a very, very good time. He was sweet, had nice manners, handsome and...

OORAH!!!

That's the best way to describe it. Let's just say the man knows what he's doing, and does it well!!!!

Sick

I really dislike summer colds. In the winter it's expected to have a scratchy throat and cough. In the summer it's just plain miserable.

I have a date tonight. Yes Petey, I actually said yes. BUT I feel horrible, disgusting is more like it. My head feels like it weighs twenty pounds, my nose is stuffed up, my eyes are glassy, and I sound like a frog.

I don't want to cancel, but I feel sooooooooo unattractive. I know he's going to be disappointed, but I can't even hear clearly. I can see myself saying "What?" the whole date.

I haven't given this guy a name yet. It's the one who's 10 years younger than I am. The name that keeps popping into my head is Mr. Baby, but I just can't call him that. OH! How about Mr. B? Yup, that's his name.

Now, onto the guy I spoke to last night. The one who's 11 years older than I am, and wants to come to Oz to see me next week. I need a name for him too. Can't think of one. Give me some time. My brain is moving slower with this head cold.

I like these men, and then there's the third one who's a musician. Yup, a musician. Y'all know how I feel about them. But the third man isn't going to work. Too many differences... although, that doesn't mean that we can't have fun.


I'm just not sure I'm ready to date right now. UGH!

I also forgot about the singer that someone wants to set me up with. This is ridiculous.

And all I'm thinking about is one man that I don't even want to speak too.

Why

...couldn't you have said so before?
...leave me waiting and hanging?
...do I still care?
...won't the feelings go away?
...am I just so angry?

There's so much I want to say. I counted to 10... I counted to 100... I concentrated on my breathing... I counted to 100 again...

What I want to write is "Go away. I'll leave you alone. Good-bye." But there's a part of me that doesn't want that to be the case.

Then there's a part of me that just wants to rail at you... pound your chest with my fists... make you hurt the way I'm hurting.

You know where to find me, but I'm not going to be waiting.

Different Ways

There's always a way to do something. You just have to figure it out if it's important enough to you.

There's a way in and sometimes it's hard to find the way out.

There are many ways to say good-bye, and quite a few to say hello.

I've had a few new hello's recently. One is from a sweetheart of a man whom I spoke to last night for an hour and a half. Yeah, yeah, I know I was only supposed to talk to him for 15 minutes. It's obvious from this, and this that I have a pretty thick skull. BUT I'm working on it.

He's 11 years older than I am, but I didn't feel like he was an "old man". He sounds like fun and recently broke a finger playing basketball. I like that, not just because I've done that myself, but because he likes to have fun and do things.

Another hello came from someone 10 years younger than I am. It is hard for me not to doubt that he is really interested in dating me for marriage. But he said he has no problem with bringing me and DB home to his family. He was very open with me about some other things which made me believe what he was saying. BUT I still know that I am gullible and easily taken in so I'm just going to see what happens.

We had a good chat last night for about two hours. And I didn't feel any disparity between us because of the age difference. He called and left a message today to wish me Good Shabbos. I got a nice note from the older guy about our talk last night that also put a smile on my face.

Of course, these two new guys need names. I'll have to come up with something if I think they might be around for awhile. There also another man, but I don't know if he's still interested.

Don't ask me what I'm doing I'm not quite sure, and I don't want to rebound into any relationship. I still have feelings for Cowboy, but I'm trying my best to push them down.

I don't want to talk about him.

update: another man just contacted me hadn't heard from him in a week... he's 13 years older more later...

Head Cold

My brain and my fingers aren't working that quickly tonight. I've got the beginnings of a head cold, and I'm so glad that Shabbos is tomorrow so I can crash. I'll probably sleep through most of it.

I can't think of anything to write... OH! A couple of people contacted me on Frumster. Don't know how I'm going to proceed. They're good looking, and intelligent. I just don't know if I have the energy or desire.

I couldn't even think of what to write when I was replying to their messages. And y'all might've figured out by now that I am rarely at a loss for words. (I did say rarely--so don't even say anything, and you know that I'm directing this to you!! Stop laughing too!! It's not funny.)

Wish I Were Lucky

Lucky





In my heart... Rated R

His Song Part 2

He hides behind words
and write in riddles
hoping to be discovered
by the one he loves

pushing her away
he tries harder
everyday
to win her

the tears he cannot shed
live forever in his head
and his blood keeps on pulsing
through this unforgiving world

smiling, she passes by
he struggles to let go and fly
to join on her journey
the dreams she longs to live

reality pushes them apart
and he struggles for her heart
to capture his fleeing soul

joined as one
they fall into the sun
and their love consumes them

Recognition

There's this man that I've seen around a couple of times. Actually, more than a couple.

The first time I saw him we both kind of did a double take. We most certainly did not know each other, but there was a connection, a recognition of something there. Of course, every time after that when we saw each other there was a silent understanding. I don't remember ever smiling at him, and I smile at everyone. Believe it or not there was never any flirting between the two of us. He never smiled at me either, but we always looked each other in the eye and knew.

He's younger than I am, but he's not a guy. He's a man. There's a way that he holds himself; a confidence, a surety. And I wasn't sure if he is/was married. I'm still not sure.

I saw him about a month ago. He came into the store, and there was that instant knowing. I looked up and saw that he was caught by surprise to find me working there. We didn't say anything to each other. I was busy helping other people. He walked around as if he didn't remember what he had come in to buy, and then he left.

Yesterday, he showed up in the store again, but it was empty. There were no other customers, and I was laughing with another employee. I looked up and there were his eyes looking down into mine. He smiled back and for the first time I spoke to him.

I helped him find what he was looking for and he joined in on the joking around. There was still an unspoken acknowledgement between us, and then he left. I did get to find out that he is intelligent and funny, but still not sure if he's married or not.

I'm A Country Gal And It Was A Good Day

Sitting here watching the ACM's, that's the American Country Music Awards for you city folk, I'm a happy camper singing along and tapping the computer keyboard in time to the music. There's a big grin on my face. I've had a pretty good day, and I can't ask for anything more because the DB was with me for part of it smiling, shooting some hoops and even tangoing his mom across the gym floor without an ounce of embarrassment.

It's funny how other people pick up on how you're feeling. Well, with me it's kind of obvious. OK, it's almost unavoidable to know how I'm feeling if you're near me or even talking to me on the phone. It's also neat to see how people are attracted to you when you're happy.

I went to pick up dinner tonight and a guy who works there was ready to pay for it for me, not to mention a single homey from Kansas who was flirting with me while I was at work and trying to find out if I was divorced or dating anyone. Then there was the customer who told me I had a great smile and wanted to know what hours I was in the store.

And I got a bonus today, a bracha from Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski for DB and he added on one for me too.

Earlier in the day, Bubbi was complaining of the noise her car was making. When I let her know it was just her muffler she told Zaidy that it was a little bit loose he asked, "How do you know?"

"CR told me."

"OK, we'll get it fixed," was what he replied, and it made Bubbi laugh because he didn't even question her once she told him that I was the one who diagnosed the problem.

It made me laugh too, when she told me. In case you haven't figured it out, Zaidy/Abba questions everything, and anything, and anyone's opinions. But not my judgement on car problems... too funny!

The bris was lots of fun and we had a huge family picture taken which didn't even include even 1/4 of the family, but still amounted to a whole bunch of people who love each other smiling next to one another.

OH! And when I got home from work Bubbi/Mom handed me a bag with some jewelry I had thought was lost forever; a signet ring, I got on my 16th birthday, my dad's watch that he got when graduating high school, he gave it to me when I did the same, plus some other pieces that had sentimental value. I have a ring on each hand right now, and it makes me feel so girly and fancy even with my fingernails that are bitten down to nothing.

All in all it was a good day.

Of course, the music and familiar accents just add even more to it. I hope you all had a good day too.

btw-how could I forget all the hugs and kisses from little ones and their parents.

The Final Word

Said in anger there is finality

with sadness there is longing

in joy for the certainty of again

and too quickly, followed by regret

Never Argue With A Woman

One morning the husband returns the boat to the cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies (thinking, "isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know, you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the Game Warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know, you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day, Ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.


hat tip: Doll