I Miss It

I miss feeling a man's hands on me. I miss being held. I miss long deep passionate kisses. In case you haven't gotten the point yet... I MISS SEX!!!

I was just talking a friend tonight and I couldn't stop laughing when I mentioned that I just (right then and there) realized that this is the first relationship (meaning the one with Cowboy, if you can call it a relationship) in which I've been shomer negiah!!! HYSTERICAL!!!

I mean, c'mon, it's me! And I haven't even kissed him yet, let alone held hands. Whoa!! You have to admit that it's absolutely unbelievable.

Well, it's been getting to me. I miss being with a man. There have been offers... the 25 year olds from Frumster and JDATE along with the 65 year olds. And yes, there have been a few from those who fit into the age category in between.

Remember though, I have to like the guy before anything can happen, and I'd prefer to be interested in him romantically. BUT get real!!! We all know that I have a strong sex drive. OK, OK, a very strong sex drive.

Soooooo, I'll keep y'all posted. I can't go to the mikvah until Monday night. After that.... ;-)

Laughing

I just got off the phone with Petey and I'm still giggling. Our conversation went from subject of divorce to phantom sex to the CIA to Bamba, and I actually got him to laugh too.

Life is much easier when you can laugh at things that are so horrible they are unbelievable. Personally I prefer to laugh at just about everything including myself (some of the things I do are pretty ridiculous).

Which reminds me, I got my gas cap stolen today while I was at work. No, I didn't get gas on my way to work and have the serviceman forget to put it on. I was walking to my car after work and saw the gas door open. I checked and my gas cap was gone. The funny thing about it was that my car was completely unlocked and they could have taken anything they wanted.

What is even better is that I left my keys in the ignition. They could have taken the whole car. I couldn't stop laughing as I was driving home. The thought came to me that they realized the gas cap was worth more than the whole car so why bother taking the rest of it. This made me laugh even harder.

Do You Remember?

Do you remember what show this phrase is from and who used to say it?

Bee-dee, bee-dee, bee-dee...

For some strange reason Petey said "bee-dee" while we were talking today. We were both immediately reminded of a tv show we watched when we were younger, much younger.

The Ones You Love

OK, so I have the title, but what about the rest.

This is just going to be a rambling post. It feels like I haven't posted in a couple of days. I guess I'm getting used to writing. It's become something that I miss like a loved one far away. Perhaps you don't think of them every second, but when your world gets quiet they fill your thoughts.

I had some strange dreams over Shabbos. And I mean STRANGE! My dreams are usually very vivid and that includes this one. I can even remember the street signs and the names of the people I met. It started with someone moving in next door to my mom's house. A couple around my age, with no kids, and a spotted mutt.

They were celebrating their anniversary with a good friend (guy), and their parents. Somehow I got pulled into it and we were watching old movies. The friend and I were hitting it off because I was impressed with the fact he knew the names of the actors and had seen other movies starring them. Actually, the real reason why I was impressed was that the movies were romantic ones, and he just didn't strike me as the type of guy who would watch them let alone remember them.

I felt pulled towards him and shy and embarrassed at the same time which, of course, caused me to trip over my own feet while helping carry the dessert plates to the kitchen. I could feel my face turn warm, and can feel it right now even though it was only a dream.

You can tell that dream was definitely realistic. Sooo something that I would do. Except in real life the plates would have crashed to the floor breaking into pieces.

When I left the house I couldn't remember his name, and I remember getting all flustered again and hoping he didn't notice. Of course, that wasn't the case. He winked like he knew what I was feeling which ended up with me almost falling down the stairs outside.

My dream somehow shifted to ex-boyfriends. (Yes, I have a lot of them) Moshe was the one who had the starring role. In the dream he wanted to marry me. I thought it was kind of funny in my dream because we cared about each other very much in real life, but I don't think he ever really felt that way about me. Just to let you know, I sometimes recognize the fact that I'm dreaming or that my dreams incorporate so much of real life that during them I'm trying to figure out when things actually took place, or feelings changed.

Back to Moshe... He looked like Moshe, blonde hair, blue eyes, Cubs baseball cap, white T-shirt, blue jeans and several inches taller than I was. He spotted me from his apartment where he was having a party and his buddies started yelling at me to stop. They were shouting that Moshe had something important to ask me. I remember being very surprised because it was during a Cub's game, and nothing came between Mosh and his Cubs, but there he was running across the lawn to me. I started running away once I realized what it was he was going to ask me.

I've always loved Moshe. No! Not like that. Even though, we did fool around a bit. I met Moshe my first year in seminary and we both went back second year. You might think that I was rebellious and didn't respect my teachers and rebbeim, but that wasn't the case, even though he did sleep over in our apartment one night. That was a fun night. And no, I wasn't thrown out, even though I walked into sem the next day sporting a hickey in plain sight.

OK, back to the crazy dream. Before Mosh had a chance to ask me the dream slipped into a different scene. It was Pesach and my family was having a seder with another ex-boyfriend's family. They've never really met, and I remember being surprised that we were all together. The ex wasn't there though. At some point his parents made a disparaging comment about me, and my mother took umbrage. (No, I don't use the word umbrage in my regular speech, but it fits here and it's fun to do.) A big fight ensued and I slipped out the door not wanting to get involved.

That's when Mark, Izzy, and some other exes showed up, and I got lost trying to get to some other friends. I was wearing pink yummy fleece pajamas, my winter coat, my big clodhopper snow boots and my usual baseball cap, Yankees, of course.

The rest of this dream will have to wait...

And I think that I'll also write the post that should go with the above title.

My Friend, Petey

I’m so silly, and I’m so lucky. I’m lucky that I have a good friend. Let’s call him Petey. He makes me laugh and always has, even though his jokes are so, so, so very horrible. He listens. And not only that he has the answers to my questions. That is a major feat!!!

Petey explains and reminds me of things that I should be able to know and remember by myself. My emotions sometimes get in the way. The funny thing is that sometimes we are both talking about someone or something completely different than what the other one thinks and yet his advice still seems to apply. It's obvious that we're both strange. Yes, Petey, you're strange, but you knew that already.

He helps me keep my head on straight, and not get into too much trouble. I get lectures sometimes (alright, about once a week) on different matters, and it doesn’t bother me in the least. It means he cares, and I appreciate it.

He gets me to laugh while I’m in the middle of crying. OK, OK, it’s not that difficult to do. And yes, I already know I’m weird. Just about everyone who's ever read my blog can attest to that.

I guess the real reason for this post is so that I can say, "Thank you, Petey. And I'll bet you a nickel you never figure out why I called you that."

btw- Your offer to call blew me away.

Not Dorothy Anymore

At least I know I do it. Don't they say that admitting you have a problem is the first step to correcting it. It seems that I have a tendency to choose men that are unavailable to me. And yes, I know why I do it too. It also seems that I have a tendency to push away men that are available to me. Smart, real smart CR.

Y'all know about the guy I care about in Texas. The funny thing is that he's a real cowboy. Not in the roping, shooting, riding horses kind of the word, but as in attitude and behavior.

Anyway, just got off the phone with him. One of the things that I really like about him is that he's honest and up front, and so am I. I have never had a relationship like this if you can call phone conversations from hundreds of miles away a relationship. Anyway, it's kind of hard for me to make myself vulnerable or rather I really dislike doing it. I'm sure that most people don't enjoy that feeling.

My body reacts and I feel my chest tighten up and pull in as if to protect my heart. Oh! Another enlightening explanation about why I choose unavailable guys.... that way at some point in the relationship I have a reason, an out, so that I can say good-bye. I've been trying this past year to work on this problem, but obviously I'm not doing too well, or maybe I am getting a little better at it.

I didn't completely shut down and pull away from Bud when things weren't working out, although, he was definitely unavailable. Oh, and Chassidish well, that was really just sex. I could go through the list of guys, and maybe I should. But I know I'm repeating a pattern. Although I have made some good friends out of the guys that I've dated.

I think that marriage for me is out of the picture. I can't see myself trusting a man enough to marry him. This doesn't mean trust with regard to sex, or money. This means with my emotions... the most precious of all. I'll gladly give my love to you, but when you get too close to me I'll run away. Yeah, I'm a scaredy-cat. Big, strong CR who takes care of DB, does a lot of her own work on her divorce, and feels comfortable representing herself in court is scared to feel. I just want to pull in and close down.

Obviously, something went down or came up today. Funny how those two sayings can mean sort of the same thing. Yup, I spoke with Cowboy. It was a good, honest, open conversation which makes me respect him and care for him all the more. Maybe that's what makes me feel like running away. I don't like that I feel this way.

I like to be in control of me. I'm sure a lot of it has to do with my marriage to my ex, and how he controlled me, whether we went out or not, who we saw, and it got to the point that he controlled the way I felt about myself. Giving anyone some control or letting them in a little is frightening. How do I know they won't treat me the same way? OK, OK, I know that's just an excuse albeit a valid one.

So, where do I go from here? I'm just not sure. I'll keep on pushing my comfort zones, even if it terrifies me. To be honest with me (you guys, just get to be in on the conversation I'm having with myself right now) I don't think I'll ever end up even meeting Cowboy or if that actually does take place I can see it being a one or two time thing and then me saying good-bye and riding off into the sunset.

I was going to write "Maybe if I work hard enough I'll come back in the morning." But I just don't think it's going to happen.

There's a huge possibility that I won't even post this. See! I am a big 'fraidy-cat or that I'll post it so that I don't have to talk about it with Cowboy; more 'fraidy-cat behavior. But, I actually did tell him most of this already. YAY ME!!! A very hard thing to do, very scary. It helps getting this out. But I still hurt inside because a part of me knows that I'll probably be saying good-bye sometime soon.

That was so not fair of me to write. See, I'm pushing him away just by writing that. That way I don't have to be the one to say good-bye he'll say it for me. You can just call me the Cowardly Lion. And maybe someday I'll see the wizard and get some courage.

Did I Do It?

I just sent in three poems to a poetry zine. At least, I think I sent in three poems or maybe it was four. By accident I hit a key on my keyboard, possibly enter, and then the whole submission disappeared and another screen popped up. Instead of bothering the editor, I'll wait two months to hear from them. Submissions should be responded to by that time. If I don't get any news then I'll resubmit.

I went over the poems again and again and one of them I didn't even bother submitting. Plus I sent them to a bud for his opinion, but I don't think they'll be good enough to be accepted. So.... I'm waiting for my first rejection letter/e-mail. Giving up is not an option, but I'm wondering how many of these letters will accrue before I'm published by someone other than myself.

btw-did you notice that even my fingers are klutzy???

Ow! I Did It Again

Yup, I did it again... self-inflicted.

Late last night I was having a conversation with a good bud of mine in Israel. I was in bed while I was talking because it was so late, around 2 a.m. He wanted some help with something so I was on my laptop (to you smart asses out there, not actually sitting on it) and I was trying to get comfortable.

Maybe it happened because I was tired, maybe because the conversation had most of my attention, maybe because I was trying to find something on my computer at the same time, or just maybe it was because I'm very talented at inflicting different wounds on myself. I scooted my tush to lean back in bed and BANG! I conked the back of my head on the wall behind me.

Yes, I knew there was a wall behind me. It's what I lean my pillows up against when I'm writing, reading or working. No, the wall has not moved any closer to my bed recently, and no, I had not been drinking.

I've got a nicely sized raised bump on my head. When I do something, I make sure to do it right. But at least it can't be seen like some of my other mishaps here and here and yes, here. And I finally understand the saying "seeing stars". The pain took a minute to register and then WHOMP! It hit me like a ton of bricks, or a cement wall, take your pick.

Hand me another bag of ice and stop laughing!! OK OK, how can I ask you to stop when it still makes me giggle, hee hee. I hope the swelling will go down enough so that I can put on one of my numerous baseball hats when I go to pick DB up from school.

Really?

I haven't thought of myself as factious, but just tonight a friend told me that I'm contrary, defiant, like to question authority, and rebellious. I just laughed and told him that it's not surprising he said that considering who he is. Then I laughed some more just to irritate him.

Swinging

Get your mind out of the gutter!! I'm talking about playgrounds. Last week I went with a friend and our children to a park. It was so much fun. I think I might have had as good if not a better time than the kids did.

The first place the munchkins headed was to the swings, and I was the designated pusher while my friend was on the phone trying to get a date. As soon as he hung up, I jumped onto an available swing and stayed there for at least a half hour. I only stopped swinging to take off my jacket. It was about 50 degrees out maybe a little more, and all that pumping and pushing was getting me hot even though I didn't have my shoes on. One had fallen off while I was flying through the air, and instead of stopping my fun to get it I just kicked off the other one.

I guess it looked like I was having a good time because my friend got on the swing next to me and away we went. When I looked over the playground it seemed that almost all the adults and some of the older children thought we were the main attraction, and I guess we were because of how far up we were able to get.

There was just no way that I was going to let him swing higher than I could. My stomach did little turns that made me giggle when I was at the peak of the swing and I came out of the seat a little. It felt like free fall. My laughter didn't stop there. I was just having so much fun and felt so alive that it would spontaneously burst out of me with a big grin on my face accompanying it.

I did get off the swings (reluctantly) when children were waiting for their turns, but only by jumping off. It was too bad that there was a fence because then I would have tried to jump off with the swing higher and higher in the air just like I did in fourth grade.

The next best thing to swinging is playing "run around." When you chase children and they run away from you yelling and screaming with big smiles on their faces while looking back to make sure that you're coming to get them. It all started with some crinkly, dry leaves and a child who decided that I would look great wearing them on my head. The children were trying to get them into my clothes, and I was just trying to make sure that my clothes were still covering my body. Only then did I ask my friend if it had been possible for people to see up my skirt while I was on the swings. He told me no because he had tried and didn't get to see anything. Of course, I couldn't stop cracking up at that.

We stayed in the park until the shadows were getting longer and the air turned colder. There was a part of me that wanted to stay until the park closed. That was when the adult took over and I left the child behind on the swings, but I took the smile and laughter with me.

I Could Always Use More...

friends.

I can now add another bud as a friend of mine. NN has decided that he isn't interested in pursuing a relationship with me. I think he was concerned how I was going to handle it, but it didn't surprise me that much. He had some tells that let me know this might happen.

The funny thing is that two days before he told me I was contacted by two people via Frumster. The day before he told me I was contacted by someone else, and the day he told me two more men contacted me. Whoa, Nellie!!! The best thing about it is that these men are all possibilities except for one who can't relocate, but wants to date anyway.

What's the deal? None of these men are brand new to Frumster and some have seen my profile before. Whatever the reason, I'm enjoying it, but a little overwhelmed. I can only date one person at a time. Actually, I could probably date two, but I wouldn't want to. Feelings could get very hurt if one of them found out, and I just don't want to do that.

So tonight, I wrote "If it doesn't work out, would you mind if I contacted you in the future" messages. Reason being because I have a date Sat. night. HOLY MOLY BATMAN!!! Yup, you read it right. CR has another date with another guy in less than two weeks from the one with NN. Man, it looks like I'm some sort of playa, but that's not the case.

Things changed with NN and I moved on. There's no rebound either.... weird, but y'all already know that I'm weird.

Drum roll, please and now for the new guy. Geez Louise! I have to come up with another name. Hmmmmm... well, let me describe him and see if something fits. He's a gentleman, considerate, smart, funny, witty, attractive (ok, ok, he's handsome) and he's got a great voice. Don't even think it because you're right. CR and voices, again. What can I say? A man's voice really turns me on.

Oh! I've got his name. He actually gave it to himself. He's Tall, Dark, and Convenient (TDC). Convenient because he lives near Kansas already. We're off to a good start. Plus we have similar views on things. He sent me a drasha (I'll have to go into another time) that really hit home with me.

There's so much more to write about what's going on with me, but not enough time right now. I hope y'all are enjoying Chanuka. I know I am!

People Person or Trying To Avoid Working

I have come to the conclusion that I am a people person. I can almost hear everyone I know saying "No duh, CR." But I don't mean that I get along well with people or even that I like people. I need people. In order for me to be happy. I need people to talk with, to smile at or just to say thank you to after they give me my change. It makes me feel good, alive, and puts a bounce in my step. I literally mean a bounce in my step. I've been told that's the way I walk.

Being inside working the whole day has really gotten to me, and yes, I'm still wearing what I slept in. Sorry guys, nothing frilly just my ducky pajama bottoms and a big old NYFD t-shirt. I want to be dressed, outside, feeling the sun on my back and the wind in my face. I'm sick of doing paperwork. I've barely left my room if only to go and get more papers from the living room. I'm highlighting and gathering all the documents that I think are necessary for the forensic psychologist to see before he makes his decision about relocation.

Obviously I needed a break and some time to kvetch, cry, bitch, groan and feel sorry for myself. Almost done just a few more sentences.

While I was working I had a movie "Stranger Than Fiction" on and now I have that pull to have someone in my life. Someone to kvetch to, to spend time with, to kiss.... Keep me away from Frumster. I don't have the time to go out with anyone now. OH! Forgot to keep you updated on the dating. Denver is still in the picture probably because he doesn't call everyday, and doesn't keep me on the phone too long. Up until last week he also hadn't mentioned us actually getting together. He's very busy himself with quarterly reports and all that junk. BUT he wants to meet me. UGH!! Can you believe I just wrote UGH!!? What is wrong with me?!?!? Wasn't I just writing about wanting someone in my life. What I really want is someone without any strings attached. A friend that I can care for and play with, but that I don't need to worry about things going any farther. I don't feel like getting all dressed up and being nervous about meeting someone and making inane boring conversation. Not that I don't like getting dressed up. I do. But right now is not a good time. I don't want to have to worry about what someone thinks of me. I just want a friend... a bud.

No, it can't be Bud he's a little busy with someone new. She sounds great and he sounds so sweet when he talks about her. It also can't be some of the guys on Frumster because I know that they are looking for more and I don't want to lead anyone on. Although, there are two younger guys who contact me every so often. They're cute, have some brains, and would love to get together. But can I really get together with someone who's ten years or 15 years younger than I am? I do have friends of all ages. I mean ALL ages... from 86-21. I'm also aware that these younger guys just have one thing on their minds and they think that an older woman can't wait to get her hands.... not gonna finish that thought.... But just because they think that doesn't mean that it will happen.... although, if they catch me at the right moment.... Noooooooooooo.... well, maybe just some fooling around.

Have you noticed that I kind of sidestepped talking about Denver? This is the thing. I feel like he's nervous sometimes and laughs a little too long and then I start to feel uncomfortable. I also don't feel attracted to him. But maybe that's good then I can concentrate on who he is and how he treats people. But still, I can't see going out with someone I'm not attracted too. Maybe because he has everything going for him that I want I am preventing myself from being attracted to him. Because then things would have to move forward and I don't know if I want to get married again... at all. Awww Hell!!

What I want is a friend/boyfriend with all the benefits, but none of the permanent attachments. Or maybe I do want someone to get old with. ENOUGH!!!!!!

See I kinda changed the subject from Denver again. Anyway, he is coming into Oz this weekend, but I will be in Kansas for Mother's Day. Big Barbecue at my mom's every year, and there's no way I want to stay in Oz when I have the opportunity to be surrounded by my family and friends. Denver had also mentioned coming into Oz right after Shavuos, but I don't want to spend Memorial Day weekend with him. I can have a full week in Kansas instead. Maybe he'll come to Kansas, but truthfully I don't want him too.

OK, here's another reason not to want to go out with Denver... when I mentioned the Mother's day barbecue we were joking that he could come down to Kansas for it and meet my whole family. He said jokingly that he doesn't even like those things after he's engaged. What does that mean? Hey, I'm moving to Kansas to spend time with my family.... definitely not every minute so calm down... I'm not tied to them, but my family loves to get together and we all do sometimes spontaneously at someone's house, or pool or for a day trip hiking and to the beach. Anyone who comes into my family will be accepted as part of the family and I would like them to accept my family also.

Enough overthinking, Oh! But I forgot to mention that I will feel bad if Denver spends his money on a ticket to Oz and then I discover that without a doubt I'm not attracted to him. The funniest thing is that he's good looking, intelligent... very intelligent, caring.... STOP ALREADY!!!

Anyone have the idea that I am putting off getting back to these piles of papers on my floor? Excuse any grammatical errors or whatever, but if I re-read what I wrote then I'll just end up writing more.

Hey! Almost forgot. Happy Lag B'Omer!!!!

Bud Needs A New Name

Just what the title says.

Actually, Bud wants to have his name go back to Charm. I told him that he's no longer Mr. Three-Time's-A-Charm since we aren't going out any longer. He's my friend, my Bud.

I like the name, Buuuuuud... drawn out... that's the way it should be said. He says the name is too southern, grass chewin', flannel wearin', redneck, hillbilly for him. What can I say, it's the southern, country girl in me that named him. Plus he's my friend, my Bud.

I'm willing to entertain the thought of changing his name if I find one that fits. Any ideas?

Buds

I spoke with Charm (have to find a new name for him) and at first I felt the tug, but by the time we finished talking it was gone. I switched into "Bud" mode. We talked about me going out with other guys, but also him going out with other girls. That really helped. I'm used to doing that with my guy friends.... not that I have too many of them nowadays. Most of them are married and I don't feel that it's right that I should call or that they should speak to me as often. Actually, after someone dates me the next person they go out with they marry. It's happened to at least six guys. I'm wondering what that says about me. Maybe I should hire myself out. Wait a minute!!! That didn't come out right. But it is funny... hee hee ;)

Bud used my name the other day. What's the deal? I told him that I felt it was a way for him to keep a distance between us. Guess now that he doesn't need to worry about that he can call me my name.

Today I contacted Mr. Willing-to-Relocate from Frumster. I'm looking forward to dating some more and I think he would be a lot of fun. He's smart, funny, attractive, and willing to relocate. WOW!!!! He's told me that he like Kansas and could see himself living there. We haven't spoken yet, but I'm looking forward to hearing his voice, and he wants to get together before I cut my hair. It was supposed to be cut before Pesach, but there wasn't enough time.... so, it'll be cut right before Shavuos.

I'm also thinking about going red. Maybe the same color as the actress, Julianne Moore, or a little darker. I've been blonde and now, brunette. Why not try red? I wonder how people will react to me as a redhead. Even though I have dark hair now, I still feel and act as if I'm blonde. What I really think is that it's all in the attitude or as I tell Bud "in the way someone stands and holds themselves". That is what I believe can make a person appear more attractive to others. I guess, it's also like power and those who have it act in a certain way that draws people towards them. Similar to that, is how someone happy is usually surrounded by others that are or want to be happy too. The opposite of which is illustrated by the quote "misery loves (miserable) company."

Enough analyzing... Pesach is just about here and my mom is calling. Next year I hope to be settled in Kansas with DB... that is if we're not all in Eretz Yisrael with Moshiach.

Chag Kasher V'Sameach!!!!! Enjoy your friends and families!!!!

btw-Control won't stop calling me now. What's up with that???