Back In The Saddle Again

Yup, I started talking (I mean writing, but as I explained before I write as if I'm talking) to some new guys on Frumster. Actually I contacted ten guys last night. Yes, TEN guys. I also started writing "Looking forward to hearing from you either way" at the end of my messages. Either I am getting better at choosing whom to contact or adding that sentence reminds people to write back.

Three of the guys were younger than I am even though one was only a year younger. He was the one who wrote back that he is only dating women younger than he is because he wants to have a lot more kids. Either that's a soft brushoff or he really means it. Doesn't he realize that even though someone is younger it doesn't necessarily mean that it will be easier for her to get pregnant. Even if she has a child there is such a thing as secondary infertility. You guys should be aware of this. And if she hasn't had a child yet, whose to say that it will be easy for her to get pregnant.

Another one of the younger ones was a good five years younger, but he was intelligent, funny, well read and his personality really appealed to me. He even had the courtesy to reply and he did that beautifully.

I wrote to a guy who appeared to be "frummer" than I am. He also had manners and wrote back. Although he jokingly disagreed with my taste in music, he thought it wouldn't be a good fit.

The first one who wrote back didn't have too much to say for himself. There was some back and forth but we didn't seem to click. I wrote the last message and still haven't heard from him even though he's been back on Frumster sooo that kind of fizzled. I was willing to at least go out with him on one date because maybe his stiltedness only takes place in his writing.

The next one had even less to say, but we just started writing to each other. Maybe he'll loosen up. I'm willing to give him a chance. Hell, I'm willing to give just about anyone a chance except for the guys 10-15 years younger than I am.

Now here's the real deal: I feel a connection with two of the guys/men who wrote back. The first one is a real Prince and although that sounds like a dog's name I'm going to call him that in my blog. Prince is divorced without kids and he's an Ozian, Ozan, Ozzer (some help here... what would you call someone born and bred in Oz). We've been talking (writing) about the different activities that we like to do and have in common. There's already been some tentative mentioning of getting together with the idea that he will teach me how to kayak. Cool!!! He's cute too (when he's wearing a baseball hat) or should I handsome (in a black hat). I don't really but much stock in labels and just try to go with personality.

Then there's the Knicks fan. We've only just started to correspond, but his personality jumps off the screen at me. He's also someone who follows his dreams. I think I'll call him Mr. B-Ball.




Now here's an update on Denver and Willing:

It appears Denver will be in Oz in two weeks. He only has one day free to spend with me and that sounds fine. I don't feel responsible for his visit or spend more time with him than I might possibly feel comfortable with. I want to see if there's some chemistry, and if he feels more at ease with me in person. I'm even willing to go out with him on a second date to really give him a chance. I'll keep you posted.

Willing wrote to me that he wants my undivided attention. He knows that I've been extremely busy with divorce stuff and I told him I would let him know if and when I might be willing/able to give that to him. I'm supposed to do this by tomorrow. I think that the only thing I can say is that since I'm going to be going to trial in the middle of the summer it might not be possible until after Labor Day.





I just realized that I never explained why I contacted TEN guys. I figured that most of them wouldn't respond and that I might not click with some others. Plus all of these guys have viewed my profile a couple of times within the past week and haven't made a single move. It looked like it was up to me to break the ice and I did.

It all started with me writing good-bye messages to people I had been in contact with, but just stopped writing to me. It really made me feel empowered. Another lesson learned. All it said in my message was that it was nice getting to know them and I wished them well. The subject line was goodbye. I wanted to make sure that they read it and knew that I wasn't chasing after them.

Since I felt so confident I decided to keep on writing. This time to people I was interested in. I'm glad I did. Talk about positive reinforcement. Then having Pen and Chassidish contact me again also helped my ego. Things have definitely shifted with Pen there's now a feeling of friendship not attraction. Chassidish is another issue. He just has such a great smile that draws me to him. But he also found someone to write to last night so we will lay off on messaging each other. I'm very proud of myself that I haven't even given him my reg. e-mail address or my phone number. Yay for me!!!

We Agree And Excuses

I wrote to Pen yesterday and I left him my number. There was just too much to explain that writing it just didn't make sense. He called and we joked around a bit, did some Jewish geography, and then got down to business. That's what it felt like because I really had a rein on my emotions.

I explained to him the reasons for my wanting to relocate to Kansas not only did he hear me he understood me... Pen even did "mirroring" -- the thing therapists recommend when you are having a serious discussion or argument with someone. You repeat back to them but in your own words what the person just said to you. That way you know whether or not you are both on the same page. But it wasn't even necessary for him to do that. He got what I said as soon as I said it, and I knew immediately what direction he was going in the conversation.

We almost hung-up without coming to any real decision on if we were going to meet. But I knew that continuing with the phone calls would make it harder to finally say good-bye. Soooooo... it was a mutual "good-bye, take care, if I know of anyone for you I'll send them your way," and don't forget most importantly "if anything changes for either of us regarding moving we will immediately contact each other."

After that conversation I called Bud. I had called him the night before because I was afraid that I would make the same mistake that happened with him. I knew that I could count on him to talk me out of it. Gretel and Shmellen weren't available, and I didn't want to discuss it with Mamasita. Of course I couldn't get in touch with Bud either. But I made the right decision anyway... I guess what I really wanted was someone to kvetch and whine to about how "it's not fair... I just want to find HIM already." Kinda proud of myself in the way that I handled it even though Pen and I spoke at night considering my tendencies.

I haven't spoke to Denver recently because I've been so busy with forensics, parents coming up, and preparing for trial. As I write it I hear how lame that sounds. I've had time to correspond with Pen write my blog. I'm just not that interested and I don't want to commit myself to a whole weekend with him if he comes to Oz. I don't know how to say that so I guess I've been avoiding him. Here's a good one maybe I should just come right out and say that to him but use the excuse of the trial for me not being able to spend the whole weekend. Denver's intelligent and will probably understand that it is just that, an excuse and if he still wants to come to Oz will also line up other dates for himself.

Willing left me a message after Memorial Day weekend like he said he would, but I didn't call him back. It's rude, I know. It's just that Geek and I had started writing to each other and I didn't want to commit to a date with Willing if I was also going to go out with Geek. I won't date two guys at the same time. It's hard enough for me to make a decision as it is. Just who I am I think things over again and again and compare, and think things over again. I don't want to have to make a decision between two guys.

Now I don't have to. Geek never replied to my latest message. Nothing.... no, age difference excuse, I've gotten kind of busy now can I contact you later, or even "I've thought it over and don't think I can date someone who already has a child," I'm wondering what I did, maybe he doesn't know how to tell me those things or somehow deleted my message. It could also be that he just doesn't care, isn't interested, but enjoyed the attention for awhile. I prefer thinking it was one of the first two. I want to be dan l'kaf z'chus.

Should I write him again? A short note, "Hey, what's up?" Or is that lame? I need to think about it. Any words of wisdom for me out there????

But first let me just say that I didn't let him know about the relocation. Yeah, yeah, I'm up front with everyone else. It's just that I already had one strike against me (having DB, although I think DB is a plus, but I'm his mom) that I wanted him to get to know me a little better so he could work his way through that one and then I would've told him. He did write in his Frumster profile that he was willing to relocate. But that could just mean to NJ not somewhere farther like Kansas. Or He found my blog and realized I didn't tell him about relocation and is pissed and feels misled by me and that I don't even deserve any more effort or explanation.

Another Great Day

And boy am I enjoying them.

It's so relaxing to be in Kansas for me and DB. He has been so helpful and I haven't even had to remind him to get out of the bath, brush his teeth, say shema..... AND I didn't have to sit on his bed or even stay in his room until he fell asleep!!!!! HOORAY!!!!! I imagine that part of the reason for this is that he feels safe and loved here.

There wasn't even any whining today even though the temp was in the 90's, we spent a lot of time outside, didn't get to go swimming, and he didn't get to buy the tadpoles that he "really, really, really" wanted. While we were at the nursery choosing flowers to plant he was reaching into the water to grab the squirmy things and take a look at their legs. I'm also surprised that he didn't complain when he didn't get a snowball for dessert tonight.

For everyone who lives in Oz and anywhere that's not Kansas, a snowball is very finely crushed ice with a flavored syrup poured over it. They're in a styrofoam cup to slow down it's melting, and are eaten with a spoon until there's only colored liquid left at the bottom which you drink while trying not to spill it down your shirt. You can also get marshmallow put on top for an extra 25 cents.

It's the true taste of summer... sky blue-can't really explain this flavor, but it's not blueberry or raspberry or any berry, and ooooooh, yummy chocolate with extra squirts and marshmallow on top. For all you calorie conscious people there are even an assortment of sugar free flavors. The whole thing in an extra large size with extra flavoring is about two bucks and worth every penny. There are always lines outside of snowball shacks no matter what time of day and the adults smile at one another while the children seriously debate which flavor changes the color of their tongues and tastes the best.

I want to clarify that a snowball is most definitely not a snow cone that has only three flavors and hard crunchy ice that melts through the paper cone before you've even gotten halfway through it. I am looking forward to standing in line tomorrow and trying to decide whether to stick with one of my old favorites or try bubblegum or even root beer. That reminds me of birch beer, but I'll get into that another time.


Dating Update:

Have been speaking to Denver, but I'm finding that I really don't enjoy our conversations as much. BUT-- I am still willing to go out with him... so when I get back to Oz we are going to arrange a weekend to get together. The thing is I don't want to commit an entire weekend to one person. I usually do a lot of work on the case and around the house when DB isn't with me, not to mention having some down time from people who want something from me i.e. DB, my attorney, the kids I take care of.....

I'm also supposed to have a date with Willing, and I am going to follow through on that too. It's just that I like Geek ( a lot). I'm enjoying our e-mails and am looking forward to hearing his voice. He's intelligent and feels comfortable joking around... we're also on the same page about actual halacha and invented chumras upon chumras.

I know that I am projecting certain feelings that I have for him and I am trying to keep a lid on it. You've heard me get excited (well, actually read) in the beginning about every guy I communicate with. I don't know if it's because 1) I really just like guys 2) it's an ego boost to have someone interested in you 3) the idea that this could be the one. Whatever the reason I have tried to slow things down by not replying or even reading the message the same day I get it. This helps remind me that I control my emotions and not the other way around.

I'm really proud of myself >>claps<<. I've seen Mr. Man on Frumster recently and have not looked at his profile or contacted him in any way.


Hope everyone has a wonderful Memorial Day and don't forget to thank a soldier if you see one (that's the daughter of a marine talking) Let's get them home and safely

Feels Like Home

Yup, I packed up and drove us to Kansas again. As I was driving down I mentioned to DB that the books I just bought for him came from a store on the way and that some of them only cost fifty cents. "Please, mom, please can we stop. I can pay you back. I have allowance money." I can't resist a child who wants to go buy some books so we stopped. I let him pick out anything he wanted and told him he didn't have to pay me back. It only cost me about four bucks and he had a grin that wouldn't leave his face for the last hour of the drive.

Shavuos was fantastic.... relaxed, laid back, learning with DB, cheesecake, eating outside in the shade with about thirty family members who were all happy to spend time together... and that was only the first day. DB looked gorgeous in his linen shorts and shirt. The sweater vest he wore reminded me of a tennis sweater. His hair is getting blonder from all the time he has been spending outside in Kansas. The family that moved in next door to Bubbi has a little boy the same age. They have completely hit it off and are now best buddies and enjoy playing in the grass with their guns, cannons, lasers, arrows, spears (you get the picture... they're little boys) they make out of Kinex, Lego, branches and anything else they get their hands on.

Today's lunch was with other family members. Cousins upon cousins. They came back with us and brought some friends. We played $25,000 pyramid again. I thought I would get some sleep but they dragged me downstairs in my pajamas to fight over which team I was going to join. The little ones ran in and out of the house from the swing set to the freezer (popsicles) and back again. I really couldn't have asked for anything nicer except maybe someone special to share this with me.

Which brings me to the two new guys I wrote to on Frumster. Chassidish has a smile that beams sunshine into your life. I had noticed him before, but never wrote to him... he's younger and I wasn't sure if I wanted to initiate contact when I have stuff going on with Denver and Willing. But I'm a sucker for smiling eyes and boy does he have them. Mon. night I just couldn't resist any longer...

Chassidish wrote back immediately and we stayed up late writing back and forth to one another only for me to find out that he is not able to relocate to Kansas. He seemed as disappointed as I was and sort of left the door open for me to start something anyway. I just wished him well and told him that if I knew of anyone for him I would send her his way. He said he would do the same for me.

Disappointed I checked out the other people who were still up and found Geek. A description he used of himself. There wasn't a picture and he is three years younger, but when I read his profile I smiled. I decided to save time and came right out and asked him if he dates older women. Geek wrote back before yontif and is thinking about it. He's not sure about a ready made family, but since he felt a connection with me he's considering dating me. This was without him even seeing my picture. Wow! I got to see his and he doesn't look like any geek I've ever met. I'm not sure what will happen, but I am looking forward to getting to know him better. I'm much more interested in him than in Denver and Willing... there was just something about his writing that appealed to me even before I saw his picture.

I Forgot

Bud asked me yesterday what the bad thing was. I didn't know what he was referring to for a moment. Oh, my blog. I started laughing because I couldn't remember the terrible thing that had happened. Either it wasn't so terrible or I have a horrible memory.... Mommy brain, it happens when you're pregnant and never goes away. It's when you can recite all the character's names on the children's pbs shows, but you can't remember your own. Smoo has proven in his post that dads can get it too.

Anyway, the horrible thing is not so horrible... another lesson I've learned is that most things don't seem so bad the next day. It's amazing that I have learned how not to react (let me finish) or rather overreact when crazy things take place with the stbx. It only took ____ years to get me to this point. It's also pretty amazing that when I do let something really get to me it only takes about 15 minutes for me to calm down and realize the sky isn't falling. AND YES! That's an extremely big deal for someone as emotional as me. You see, I just feel my feelings, and wear them.... like a heavy dark gray raincoat or a light pink jacket that moves with the breeze on a brilliant spring day.... and most people around me can tell what I'm feeling.

So Bud and all you others out there you'll just have to live without knowing... Maybe next time I'll have enough energy to write it down before I forget.

gtg-- I've just driven back and forth to Kansas for the second time in 4 days and I'm wiped, but the ac and brakes are fixed on Squeaky -- they couldn't get rid of the squeak.

OH! Both Willing and Mr. Man wrote me e-mails today. Man wants to get together, but I know that since I feel a little something for him it would not be the best move. Although..... I do miss his laugh and voice... don't worry I'm not going to start something with someone who can't move. At least I'll try not to... I don't make promises.

Boy, Am I Happy!

That's right I'm happy... grinning from ear to ear... DB is back. I missed him soooooo much. Having him in my arms made the world right.

I picked him up from his father's and then off we went back to Kansas. That's a lot of driving for one day and I wished that I could take a nap just like DB did within a half hour of us being on the road. Looking at his sleeping face in the rearview mirror almost brought me to tears. Just beneath the surface of that big boy face, I could see the little baby one that I used to look at sleeping in his crib... the sweet chin... the dark lashes brushing his cheeks. I wish I could take care of him and protect him from the world, but that's not possible. Instead I hope that I am giving him the strength, resilience, and confidence that he can get through anything and still find the joy and beauty that the world has to offer.

When we got to Kansas he behaved so beautifully, held the door for Zaidy when he was bringing in groceries. Said thank you to Saba for the new pin for his baseball hat. (It's a Marine baseball hat heavy with ribbons and pins that my dad gives to him each time we're down. OORAH!!!)
And made sure to give Bubbi tons of hugs and kisses.

Boy, do I love this boy!!



DATING UPDATE:

There's a new guy to add to the field and he lives in Denver but is willing to relocate. WOW! I can't believe that there are now two guys willing to relocate. Denver is extremely intelligent, but I don't know if a spark is there or not. I've spoken to him a couple of times now. In CR terms, that means at least an hour conversation each time. He's very well read, extremely well read, and has a love of books that rivals mine including science fiction. And has already sent me an e-mail after we last talked, and will be calling after Yontif even though we've talked about DB and his father and all the issues involved.

NM is still trying to convince me not to relocate, but I've made sure that he understands that it's just going to be one date. He wants it to take place as soon as possible. So maybe even this coming Wednesday night. We've been speaking several times a day. I am not the one doing the calling he is.

Mr. Willing wrote me before Pesach that he is going away, but will contact me as soon as he's back.

It's difficult keeping track of everyone. It helps to write it down. I'm thinking of putting my picture under password again. I'm really not that great at juggling, and I can't remember who I've told what to. Bud's been great, and he's really helping me focus on what's important. Gotta love The Buuuuuud.

One happy mom saying, Good Yontif, Chag Sameach, and all that stuff...... :)

Do I Need To Choose?

Spoke with this guy on the phone last night and found out he was working at the hotel where I was supposed to have been. No, it wasn't Mr. Willing. It's Mr. Maybe-I'll-Move.... that's what it said on his profile on Frumster. I decided not to tell him in a message that I'm going to me moving to Kansas in the summer. The last time I did that this man I really wanted to get to know better wrote back that he wasn't going to be moving anytime soon, and that was after a couple of messages that I thought both of us enjoyed.

Mr. Maybe or MM sounds great, and by that I mean his voice, and his attitude about life etc. His voice is a little deep and it has a sexy sound. I know, I know, you can't base a relationship on sex. And I've learned that maybe now I can't have a casual sexual relationship. That's a real eye-opener. It's not like I've slept around, but in high school and for a few years after I kind of lived by CSBF, casual sex between friends. Sometimes, after I would date a guy we would still fool around... that is until I was exclusive with my next boyfriend. Oh boy, this sure doesn't sound good or make me look good. It sounds worse than it is. I was never considered a slut or anything close to that, and now I don't even know why... Maybe it's because I wasn't using these guys (well, yes I was but let me finish). First and always I was their friend then if we both wanted we would fool around. We were hormone crazy teenagers so there wasn't so many times when we didn't want to.

The last time I was in Kansas I literally ran into one of these guys. I called him Matza when we were dating, and no, his real name was not Pesach. While I was checking out the fantastic school for DB, he turned the corner and almost knocked me over. He had been looking for the principal, saw her and didn't expect anyone else to be in the empty classroom. We came face to face and then he started to turn red and stammer. I don't think that I had ever seen a man blush before. Matza couldn't remember why he was looking for the principal, and I really felt for him and tried making small talk so that she wouldn't realize that he couldn't think straight. After what felt like 10 minutes, but was probably only 30 seconds he was able to get it together a little and ask her for whatever it was he needed. When she left the room to get it his face got even redder, and his stammer came back. Whoa... this is a married man with 5 kids. I guess it's a good idea that I don't really keep in close touch (pun intended) with those guys I dated who are married.

In his defense, things got kind of serious with us. At least he thought they did. He wanted to marry me (marriage proposals are for another post). The funniest thing is that stbx was the only guy that had to be given an ultimatum to propose. It was definitely a sign of things to come.

Back to MM and Willing... I don't know if I can date two guys at once. There obviously hasn't been any talk of exclusivity. It's just that I don't know if I can keep things straight. And what happens if I like one better than the other? Do I unceremoniously dump the guy I don't like as much? But then what if things don't work out with the first one? Can I really expect the second one to go out with me again? How do people do this? UGH!!!!!! I guess dating FMs is the gauntlet I must go through in order to get to the Wonderful Wizard. HELP!!!!

Buds

I spoke with Charm (have to find a new name for him) and at first I felt the tug, but by the time we finished talking it was gone. I switched into "Bud" mode. We talked about me going out with other guys, but also him going out with other girls. That really helped. I'm used to doing that with my guy friends.... not that I have too many of them nowadays. Most of them are married and I don't feel that it's right that I should call or that they should speak to me as often. Actually, after someone dates me the next person they go out with they marry. It's happened to at least six guys. I'm wondering what that says about me. Maybe I should hire myself out. Wait a minute!!! That didn't come out right. But it is funny... hee hee ;)

Bud used my name the other day. What's the deal? I told him that I felt it was a way for him to keep a distance between us. Guess now that he doesn't need to worry about that he can call me my name.

Today I contacted Mr. Willing-to-Relocate from Frumster. I'm looking forward to dating some more and I think he would be a lot of fun. He's smart, funny, attractive, and willing to relocate. WOW!!!! He's told me that he like Kansas and could see himself living there. We haven't spoken yet, but I'm looking forward to hearing his voice, and he wants to get together before I cut my hair. It was supposed to be cut before Pesach, but there wasn't enough time.... so, it'll be cut right before Shavuos.

I'm also thinking about going red. Maybe the same color as the actress, Julianne Moore, or a little darker. I've been blonde and now, brunette. Why not try red? I wonder how people will react to me as a redhead. Even though I have dark hair now, I still feel and act as if I'm blonde. What I really think is that it's all in the attitude or as I tell Bud "in the way someone stands and holds themselves". That is what I believe can make a person appear more attractive to others. I guess, it's also like power and those who have it act in a certain way that draws people towards them. Similar to that, is how someone happy is usually surrounded by others that are or want to be happy too. The opposite of which is illustrated by the quote "misery loves (miserable) company."

Enough analyzing... Pesach is just about here and my mom is calling. Next year I hope to be settled in Kansas with DB... that is if we're not all in Eretz Yisrael with Moshiach.

Chag Kasher V'Sameach!!!!! Enjoy your friends and families!!!!

btw-Control won't stop calling me now. What's up with that???