Just what the title says.
Actually, Bud wants to have his name go back to Charm. I told him that he's no longer Mr. Three-Time's-A-Charm since we aren't going out any longer. He's my friend, my Bud.
I like the name, Buuuuuud... drawn out... that's the way it should be said. He says the name is too southern, grass chewin', flannel wearin', redneck, hillbilly for him. What can I say, it's the southern, country girl in me that named him. Plus he's my friend, my Bud.
I'm willing to entertain the thought of changing his name if I find one that fits. Any ideas?
Showing posts with label charm. Show all posts
Showing posts with label charm. Show all posts
Friday, April 6, 2007
Sleeping On It and Mr. One-Night-Stand
Things do seem clearer in the morning. I'm trying to figure out why. Maybe because your brain has time to process whatever it is you've been thinking about. Studies have been done (I don't remember by whom and I'm not going to quote them) that if you sleep (even a short nap) after you've learned something new you retain the information better than if you had not slept. The information moves from short term memory to long term memory.
I think my brain (and feelings?) needed time to process the fact that there is no way MN is moving and that I don't want to get hurt again. It's just not worth it. BUT I already told him I would go out on a date with him. So I'm thinking about telling him that I'm only going to go out on this one date with him and that's it or he can choose not to go out at all. I don't want him to have to spend his money on me if he doesn't have to.
Just learned another lesson from Bud. This one wasn't that hard and didn't hurt like the last one. We spoke last night about getting messages from people at Frumster. He didn't sound too enthused whereas I get very excited. It's not that he's not interested. It's just that after going through this for a year (or two?) Bud said that he's learned not to get too excited at the beginning. My excitement from getting mail from someone at Frumster is toned down now a little because I really thought about what he said and took it to heart.
Having Bud for a friend is almost like having an older brother... he doesn't tell me what to do (don't ever TELL me what to do) instead he explains his reasoning and talks about his experiences. My younger brother sometimes acts that way, but he met his wife on a shidduch date and doesn't have the experience Bud does. And since I'm the oldest I've always taken care of my brother and everyone else... it's just who I am. But now I have someone (not including parents, of course) looking out for me. I want to call Bud, BBB, Big Brother Bud, but I don't think he'd really appreciate it (enough Bs in that sentence for ya?). I don't think that he wants me to view him as a brother. Still, I appreciate his concern and caring. OH!!! What's best is that he doesn't say "I told you so." Who wouldn't want a big brother like that?!?
Guess who I heard from. Nope, it wasn't Control. It was Mr. One-Night-Stand. He sent me a message through Frumster today. Kinda need to explain that he wasn't the one who didn't call after the one night... I just didn't answer the phone. There was no way that I wanted to talk to him. I wasn't embarrassed about what happened but angry, and hurt. Mr. One knew that he was going to be my first date in 8 years, and my first date with someone other than my stbx in 13 years. BUT he didn't make sure that even if it wasn't going to be a fantastic date, it would still be a good one. Instead he loaned his car to a friend and wanted me to drive. WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?!?!?!
And there's more..... he only told me about the car situation the night of our date. When I spoke up for myself (pat on the back to me) and told him that I really wanted to be picked up, he didn't get bother getting his car back, and there were several ways that he could have managed it. Hey! If I could think up these things why couldn't he. OK, OK, get off my case. I know I didn't offer my suggestions, but I was brand new to this and just telling him that I wanted him to drive and pick me up took many deep breaths and a lot of guts.
Anyway... I ended up going to pick him up. Just don't say anything... I know now that I shouldn't have done that. But it was my first date, and I was kind of timid about asking for what I wanted or saying no if I didn't get it. It's not like I was asking for the moon or a pair of diamond earrings. I'd rather see the moon up in the sky, and I don't need diamonds just love and hugs.
Mr. One wasn't even dressed when I got to his apt. He still needed to put on a shirt, shoes, socks, sweater. He hadn't even shaved!!!!!! Now c'mon (this is to you, guys out there), when you go on a date, let alone a first date, you shave. Mr. One also had a bottle of wine opened and we had a glass....
We never left his apartment....and it was over before it started.... And it wasn't even good. I got dressed and took off right after. He didn't even walk me to my car. I was angry at myself, and also at him. Do you blame me for not taking his calls??? I replied to Mr. One's e-mail today, and spelled it all out for him... without any animosity or exclamation points. But I did include an apology for not taking his calls and letting him know how upset and disappointed I was.
That whole incident was the reason I told Bud (when he was Charm) that he was the first guy I was going out with in 8 years, even though he wasn't. I wanted to see how he would treat me. A gold star for Bud. He picked me up, brought me chocolate (godiva), took me to The Top of the Rock, held my hand, kissed me while we were outside looking down at the city all lit up. Two hours of making out up there. Boy, he was a great kisser. Bud didn't push things even when they got a little hot and heavy.... a real gentleman and a great first date.
I think my brain (and feelings?) needed time to process the fact that there is no way MN is moving and that I don't want to get hurt again. It's just not worth it. BUT I already told him I would go out on a date with him. So I'm thinking about telling him that I'm only going to go out on this one date with him and that's it or he can choose not to go out at all. I don't want him to have to spend his money on me if he doesn't have to.
Just learned another lesson from Bud. This one wasn't that hard and didn't hurt like the last one. We spoke last night about getting messages from people at Frumster. He didn't sound too enthused whereas I get very excited. It's not that he's not interested. It's just that after going through this for a year (or two?) Bud said that he's learned not to get too excited at the beginning. My excitement from getting mail from someone at Frumster is toned down now a little because I really thought about what he said and took it to heart.
Having Bud for a friend is almost like having an older brother... he doesn't tell me what to do (don't ever TELL me what to do) instead he explains his reasoning and talks about his experiences. My younger brother sometimes acts that way, but he met his wife on a shidduch date and doesn't have the experience Bud does. And since I'm the oldest I've always taken care of my brother and everyone else... it's just who I am. But now I have someone (not including parents, of course) looking out for me. I want to call Bud, BBB, Big Brother Bud, but I don't think he'd really appreciate it (enough Bs in that sentence for ya?). I don't think that he wants me to view him as a brother. Still, I appreciate his concern and caring. OH!!! What's best is that he doesn't say "I told you so." Who wouldn't want a big brother like that?!?
Guess who I heard from. Nope, it wasn't Control. It was Mr. One-Night-Stand. He sent me a message through Frumster today. Kinda need to explain that he wasn't the one who didn't call after the one night... I just didn't answer the phone. There was no way that I wanted to talk to him. I wasn't embarrassed about what happened but angry, and hurt. Mr. One knew that he was going to be my first date in 8 years, and my first date with someone other than my stbx in 13 years. BUT he didn't make sure that even if it wasn't going to be a fantastic date, it would still be a good one. Instead he loaned his car to a friend and wanted me to drive. WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?!?!?!
And there's more..... he only told me about the car situation the night of our date. When I spoke up for myself (pat on the back to me) and told him that I really wanted to be picked up, he didn't get bother getting his car back, and there were several ways that he could have managed it. Hey! If I could think up these things why couldn't he. OK, OK, get off my case. I know I didn't offer my suggestions, but I was brand new to this and just telling him that I wanted him to drive and pick me up took many deep breaths and a lot of guts.
Anyway... I ended up going to pick him up. Just don't say anything... I know now that I shouldn't have done that. But it was my first date, and I was kind of timid about asking for what I wanted or saying no if I didn't get it. It's not like I was asking for the moon or a pair of diamond earrings. I'd rather see the moon up in the sky, and I don't need diamonds just love and hugs.
Mr. One wasn't even dressed when I got to his apt. He still needed to put on a shirt, shoes, socks, sweater. He hadn't even shaved!!!!!! Now c'mon (this is to you, guys out there), when you go on a date, let alone a first date, you shave. Mr. One also had a bottle of wine opened and we had a glass....
We never left his apartment....and it was over before it started.... And it wasn't even good. I got dressed and took off right after. He didn't even walk me to my car. I was angry at myself, and also at him. Do you blame me for not taking his calls??? I replied to Mr. One's e-mail today, and spelled it all out for him... without any animosity or exclamation points. But I did include an apology for not taking his calls and letting him know how upset and disappointed I was.
That whole incident was the reason I told Bud (when he was Charm) that he was the first guy I was going out with in 8 years, even though he wasn't. I wanted to see how he would treat me. A gold star for Bud. He picked me up, brought me chocolate (godiva), took me to The Top of the Rock, held my hand, kissed me while we were outside looking down at the city all lit up. Two hours of making out up there. Boy, he was a great kisser. Bud didn't push things even when they got a little hot and heavy.... a real gentleman and a great first date.
Sunday, April 1, 2007
What's In A Name? or A Rose By Any Other Name Would Smell As Sweet... Or Sweeter
People call me names... nicknames that is. I answer to a lot of different ones. Some are a variation of my English or my Hebrew name, and some of them I have no clue about how they came to be. It all started with my mom. She calls me at least 10 different names. Usually it depends on what I've done recently or who we are with. When she uses my nickname coupled with my middle name everything is fine but when I hear my full first name followed by my middle name I know I've done something wrong. It's not to often I hear that one anymore. Most of the time I'm Shain short for Shaina Punim. My dad usually calls me by my nickname and sometimes Froggy. Yes, I'm a grown woman, but I'm still his little girl.
My brother no longer goes by his English name so my mother calls him Yosef Aryeh* his Hebrew name instead of Max Joseph*. So what if he's six feet tall, has a beard, is married and father to six boys, he'll always be my little brother Maxy*. And he doesn't mind me calling him that. Trust me... he would tell me if he did. But I have DB call him Uncle Yosef* or Uncle Yo*.
Most of my family members have middle names. I think it's a southern thing, and both names are almost always used. My aunt goes by Esther Ruth* and my uncle is Mark Isaac*. Everyone who knows my mom calls her by both her names Merril Sue*, almost as if they're one. First and middle names combined must have at least three syllables preferably four.
Charm goes by a one syllable name shortened from his first. He doesn't have an English name. The thing is he has a great name, with four syllables but he really dislikes being called by it. I would hear his name in my head, but then I could only say the one syllable. Ugh! It made me feel so restricted. So I used his full first name and last name together. I really need at least three syllables when I talk to someone. Charm doesn't really understand this. In fact, he doesn't/didn't even call me by my name. He didn't call me anything. I mentioned it to him because I find it so different and funny. Not even a term of endearment like honey or baby. I can count on 1 hand the amount of times he's called me by my name without any prompting by me. In two, no, three instances he called me baby. Once in writing and twice on the phone.
I associate nicknames with affection, love and different moods, and different people. Here are some that I am called.... Chicki Mama, Chaya Gittel*, Chayala, Shane, Shaina Punim, Julietta*, Julius*, Julie*, JuleEllen*, Froggy, Superchicken, Spaz, Pearl, Smiley, Giggles.
Of course DB has his own set of names... Cutie Pie, Doll, Munch, Munchie, Simcha Ber*, darlin' boy, babe shortened from baby doll, doll shortened from doll baby, bun short for honey bun, little one, honey bunch, bunch , Simcha* boy, ashaboo, banana, little one, buckaroo.
Gretel, Git, Mamasita, Shmellen, SuzyJo, Roberta, Shprintza Genendel, Matza, Sharona are some names that I call my friends.
Even our cat has nicknames. Frankie* is what DB named her, but we call her Frankie Cat, Fat Cat (for obvious reasons), Frank-Frank, Frankie-girl.
Temima Sora Bracha Maidela, Meema, Meems, Tuvia Yosef, Tuvy, Moishy, Mordy, Kusie, WMD, (one of my nephews who has climbed up onto the counters and dumped out all, and I mean all of the spices from their containers), Mr. Charles, Moonie, Tanzie, Tie-Tie are some of the nicknames for family members.
So you see, I really do like names. The one time when I heard Charm say my name naturally was when I was breaking up with him. I didn't even notice until he pointed it out to me. My theory is that names give you an attachment to a person especially if you create a name to call them. There were times when I heard Charm speaking with his daughter and calling her by name and nicknames. But for all the time that we spoke on the phone (and in person) he had a difficult time with using mine. I heard him use his ex's name more than mine. Whoa!!!
In Charm's most recent comment on a post of mine, he jokes that he's called me by name. Don't think that's ever really gonna happen with him... even if we stay friends. I think it's his way of not letting people get too close to him. Just think about your friends and family and the different names your loved ones call you.....
*names have been changed but the breakdown of the syllables has remained the same
My brother no longer goes by his English name so my mother calls him Yosef Aryeh* his Hebrew name instead of Max Joseph*. So what if he's six feet tall, has a beard, is married and father to six boys, he'll always be my little brother Maxy*. And he doesn't mind me calling him that. Trust me... he would tell me if he did. But I have DB call him Uncle Yosef* or Uncle Yo*.
Most of my family members have middle names. I think it's a southern thing, and both names are almost always used. My aunt goes by Esther Ruth* and my uncle is Mark Isaac*. Everyone who knows my mom calls her by both her names Merril Sue*, almost as if they're one. First and middle names combined must have at least three syllables preferably four.
Charm goes by a one syllable name shortened from his first. He doesn't have an English name. The thing is he has a great name, with four syllables but he really dislikes being called by it. I would hear his name in my head, but then I could only say the one syllable. Ugh! It made me feel so restricted. So I used his full first name and last name together. I really need at least three syllables when I talk to someone. Charm doesn't really understand this. In fact, he doesn't/didn't even call me by my name. He didn't call me anything. I mentioned it to him because I find it so different and funny. Not even a term of endearment like honey or baby. I can count on 1 hand the amount of times he's called me by my name without any prompting by me. In two, no, three instances he called me baby. Once in writing and twice on the phone.
I associate nicknames with affection, love and different moods, and different people. Here are some that I am called.... Chicki Mama, Chaya Gittel*, Chayala, Shane, Shaina Punim, Julietta*, Julius*, Julie*, JuleEllen*, Froggy, Superchicken, Spaz, Pearl, Smiley, Giggles.
Of course DB has his own set of names... Cutie Pie, Doll, Munch, Munchie, Simcha Ber*, darlin' boy, babe shortened from baby doll, doll shortened from doll baby, bun short for honey bun, little one, honey bunch, bunch , Simcha* boy, ashaboo, banana, little one, buckaroo.
Gretel, Git, Mamasita, Shmellen, SuzyJo, Roberta, Shprintza Genendel, Matza, Sharona are some names that I call my friends.
Even our cat has nicknames. Frankie* is what DB named her, but we call her Frankie Cat, Fat Cat (for obvious reasons), Frank-Frank, Frankie-girl.
Temima Sora Bracha Maidela, Meema, Meems, Tuvia Yosef, Tuvy, Moishy, Mordy, Kusie, WMD, (one of my nephews who has climbed up onto the counters and dumped out all, and I mean all of the spices from their containers), Mr. Charles, Moonie, Tanzie, Tie-Tie are some of the nicknames for family members.
So you see, I really do like names. The one time when I heard Charm say my name naturally was when I was breaking up with him. I didn't even notice until he pointed it out to me. My theory is that names give you an attachment to a person especially if you create a name to call them. There were times when I heard Charm speaking with his daughter and calling her by name and nicknames. But for all the time that we spoke on the phone (and in person) he had a difficult time with using mine. I heard him use his ex's name more than mine. Whoa!!!
In Charm's most recent comment on a post of mine, he jokes that he's called me by name. Don't think that's ever really gonna happen with him... even if we stay friends. I think it's his way of not letting people get too close to him. Just think about your friends and family and the different names your loved ones call you.....
*names have been changed but the breakdown of the syllables has remained the same
Coincidence?
Control called. It was really weird hearing from him less than 24 hours after breaking up with Charm. It almost made me think that Charm had somehow contacted him to let him know I wasn't in a relationship. Anyway, Control kept on saying, "I really @#*&ed up with you, didn't I?" I'm not the type to hang up on someone and Control is fun to talk too, so I agreed with him, "Yes, you did." Then I reminded him that he owes me five bucks on the bet we had. I knew he wasn't going to take me out within 30 days of our last talking... for two reasons, Charm, and Control doesn't follow through. He was supposed to call tonight, but I wasn't expecting to hear from him.... give him another thirty days. Maybe I should rename him @#*&ed up with you guy because it's a phrase he reiterates each time we speak.
Friday, March 30, 2007
Freedom From Limbo Or I Make A Decision
Yup, I did it. I made a decision. I ended it with Charm tonight. Gotta love the man, and I'm also very proud of myself. There were tears, but nothing hysterical... no big drama. I didn't know that I was going to do it tonight. I just knew that I didn't want to do it over the phone. Everyone i.e., Shmellen, Gretel and my Mom knew what was coming. But I didn't really tell my mom anything... I guess when you're a parent you just know some things... especially when your child has no time to talk to you because they're busy with someone else. Gretel and Shmellen liked Charm. Well, Gretel even liked him enough to try to convince me to stay in Oz.... because if the mom is happy then so are the children. It's just that it's also a case of Pikuach Nefesh. DB's physical, mental, and emotional health come first. I need to stop fooling myself that somehow things could've worked out. He wasn't even in love with me.
Soooo.... where do we go from here? I told Charm that we would still be friends, and I would love to have someone like him in my life. I just don't know if that can really happen, and forget about me calling anytime soon.... unless, I really feel that I can handle it. I'm also not goint to e-mail that's how this whole thing got started in the first place.
I'll miss his phone calls... when he's driving to work, running just about five minutes late and stuck in traffic, and driving home from work and going to stop in and put his daughter to bed.... the updates on his daughter and her loose teeth... the calls during the day when something funny has happened...
I'll miss watching Seinfeld and Scrubs with him over the phone every night and listening to him laugh... I'll miss his corny jokes that we both laugh at... I'll miss hearing the changes in his voice when he's serious, sexy, happy, or ranting about rabbis.
I'll miss his kisses and his caring.
Don't know why,
there's no sun up in the sky
Stormy weather
Since my man and I aint together,
Keeps rainin all the time
I'm sure I'll be writing about this again soon, but right now my eyes are closing as I'm typing.
Soooo.... where do we go from here? I told Charm that we would still be friends, and I would love to have someone like him in my life. I just don't know if that can really happen, and forget about me calling anytime soon.... unless, I really feel that I can handle it. I'm also not goint to e-mail that's how this whole thing got started in the first place.
I'll miss his phone calls... when he's driving to work, running just about five minutes late and stuck in traffic, and driving home from work and going to stop in and put his daughter to bed.... the updates on his daughter and her loose teeth... the calls during the day when something funny has happened...
I'll miss watching Seinfeld and Scrubs with him over the phone every night and listening to him laugh... I'll miss his corny jokes that we both laugh at... I'll miss hearing the changes in his voice when he's serious, sexy, happy, or ranting about rabbis.
I'll miss his kisses and his caring.
Don't know why,
there's no sun up in the sky
Stormy weather
Since my man and I aint together,
Keeps rainin all the time
I'm sure I'll be writing about this again soon, but right now my eyes are closing as I'm typing.
Monday, March 26, 2007
Happy Half Birthday To Me
It started when I was 5 1/2 years old. Well, most likely before I was 5 1/2. I remember asking my mother when the day would come that I could finally claim there was only 6 months left to being five... less than 6 months to being a 6 year old.... which in my eyes meant grown up, first grade, homework, the big school, sitting at desks....
I have remembered that day ever since. March 26. Believe it or not there have been occasions, twice, that I forgot my b-day, but not my half birthday.Once was when I was out of the country and had been celebrating it before I left the States non-stop. The other time happened during this craziness of divorce. There was just so much going on that I didn't remember until I finally had a chance to return my mother's phone call and was serenaded. "Happy Birthday to you....."
Gretel's birthday took place on Shabbos. She is 6 months older than I and going through her reluctance to be called a year older helps me deal with it. By the time September rolls around I've accepted the change in numbers, and am looking forward to celebrating it.
Age isn't that much of a determining factor in relationships for me. I've dated guys who were older, younger and even my own age. The biggest difference was a five year gap and I was the elder. Charm is younger than I am and it doesn't make a difference. I was even contacted on Frumster by an FM 10 years my junior. We're not dating, but have become friendly. And yes, when I wrote back to him I made mention of the age diff. But, it didn't bother him. Of course not, as he wrote "I'm not proposing." Well, he wasn't proposing marriage, but rather other things (that haven't taken place). I didn't know I could be attractive to someone who was that much younger. Hey! I don't mind getting older. Bring on September.
I have remembered that day ever since. March 26. Believe it or not there have been occasions, twice, that I forgot my b-day, but not my half birthday.Once was when I was out of the country and had been celebrating it before I left the States non-stop. The other time happened during this craziness of divorce. There was just so much going on that I didn't remember until I finally had a chance to return my mother's phone call and was serenaded. "Happy Birthday to you....."
Gretel's birthday took place on Shabbos. She is 6 months older than I and going through her reluctance to be called a year older helps me deal with it. By the time September rolls around I've accepted the change in numbers, and am looking forward to celebrating it.
Age isn't that much of a determining factor in relationships for me. I've dated guys who were older, younger and even my own age. The biggest difference was a five year gap and I was the elder. Charm is younger than I am and it doesn't make a difference. I was even contacted on Frumster by an FM 10 years my junior. We're not dating, but have become friendly. And yes, when I wrote back to him I made mention of the age diff. But, it didn't bother him. Of course not, as he wrote "I'm not proposing." Well, he wasn't proposing marriage, but rather other things (that haven't taken place). I didn't know I could be attractive to someone who was that much younger. Hey! I don't mind getting older. Bring on September.
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Ask And You Shall Receive
Not only is he actually listening to what I have to say he is doing something about it. ABSOLUTELY UNBELIEVABLE!!!! Sunday night when Charm and I were talking on the phone I mentioned that I really wanted to be with him, near him, to see him. He invited me over and after I said yes he then asked me if I wanted to spend the night. HOLY MOLEY!!!! Talk about positive reinforcement (pun intended). I packed up some things and drove over. Charm also told me that I look pretty, and yesterday he specifically let me know that his daughter was going to be over tonight, but that maybe I could come over anyway and we would watch a movie. If not for this cold, and how tired and achy I feel I would've been there in a flash.
Back to Sunday night.... We sat on the sofa again and talked, except this time it was much more relaxed and no tears. I gave him a card. And yes, I wrote those three little words in it. BUT don't get too upset with me for doing that. Although I wrote those words, I didn't mean them as in "I'm in love with you." I meant them in the manner that you listen to me and care about me and I care about you and really like you and love you as I do my close friends. OK, you could say that I am fooling myself about meaning that, but it's true. Because of Charm's ability to listen and understand and be open with me I really do feel that he is a true friend. At least those feelings I'm sure of, and we haven't had any fights yet.
It is kind of weird that we haven't fought. We've been talking about that. I don't think that you can classify my mixed emotions and confusion as a fight. At least he and I haven't. We also talked about not talking, and about the fact that neither of us really planned on having this go anywhere when we first went out. But that's basically where we left it. The next morning after I left he called me and asked me if anything was resolved. Meaning we still haven't come out and said to one another that I am hopefully going to be moving back to Kansas and that he is not going anywhere. I guess I feel that once it is said everything is over and I think he feels the same because neither of us has said it in so many words.
I feel like I've fallen through the looking glass into a Sex and the City storyline with Carrie and Big.... especially after Charm told me that I left some soap and a pair of pantyhose at his house. OMIGOD!!!! I started cracking up. It was just too... too... I could almost hear his thoughts. "She's leaving things here!!!! I've got to figure out a way for her to take them back without hurting her feelings BECAUSE I don't want her leaving things here!!!!" I started coughing because I was laughing so hard. Charm had no clue about the way he sounded which made it even funnier. Since I travel back and forth to Kansas just about every other week I tend to leave things behind so I didn't notice that I was missing anything. Doubles and triples of necessary toiletries fill my bathroom and who knows how my pairs of pantyhose I own, but trust me from now whatever comes with me will leave with me.
I just got off the phone with Charm and realize that even though we've talked about not talking we still need to talk. How many more times could I have written the word talked in that sentence? Anyway, I feel like I'm in limbo again. UGH!!! Limbo with the divorce, with relocating, and now with Charm. I don't like having to wait for or having someone else make decisions about my life. Sooooo.... where do I go from here? If I really don't like having my life in someone else's hands then I guess I've got to figure out for myself what I'm going to do. I love the guy, and maybe I was in love with him very briefly but it doesn't look like it's returned in a similar fashion. Too bad..... he's a great guy, fun to be with, intelligent, considerate, a good father....
What do I do? No, I'm not asking for someone to me an answer. I'm talking to myself trying to figure this mess out. He's let his Frumster account lapse so I'm getting mixed signals. Maybe we both really should be dating other people? Maybe he's just not that into me... Maybe....
I'm rambling and probably will continue to do so until I make a decision. And yes, I know that not making a decision is also a decision.
Yesterday, I hit the speed dial for Charm by accident while driving with DB and searching for a juice box to give him. Uncle Kracker came on the radio. I love to sing and Charm ended up with a message of me doing just that. He told me that he thought I was trying to tell him something.
You don't know how you met me
You don't know why,
you can't turn around and say good-bye
And all you know is when I'm with you
I make you free
And swim through your veins like a fish in the sea
I'm singing....
Follow me
Everything is alright
I'll be the one to tuck you in at night
And if you want to leave I can guarantee
You won't find nobody else like me
Back to Sunday night.... We sat on the sofa again and talked, except this time it was much more relaxed and no tears. I gave him a card. And yes, I wrote those three little words in it. BUT don't get too upset with me for doing that. Although I wrote those words, I didn't mean them as in "I'm in love with you." I meant them in the manner that you listen to me and care about me and I care about you and really like you and love you as I do my close friends. OK, you could say that I am fooling myself about meaning that, but it's true. Because of Charm's ability to listen and understand and be open with me I really do feel that he is a true friend. At least those feelings I'm sure of, and we haven't had any fights yet.
It is kind of weird that we haven't fought. We've been talking about that. I don't think that you can classify my mixed emotions and confusion as a fight. At least he and I haven't. We also talked about not talking, and about the fact that neither of us really planned on having this go anywhere when we first went out. But that's basically where we left it. The next morning after I left he called me and asked me if anything was resolved. Meaning we still haven't come out and said to one another that I am hopefully going to be moving back to Kansas and that he is not going anywhere. I guess I feel that once it is said everything is over and I think he feels the same because neither of us has said it in so many words.
I feel like I've fallen through the looking glass into a Sex and the City storyline with Carrie and Big.... especially after Charm told me that I left some soap and a pair of pantyhose at his house. OMIGOD!!!! I started cracking up. It was just too... too... I could almost hear his thoughts. "She's leaving things here!!!! I've got to figure out a way for her to take them back without hurting her feelings BECAUSE I don't want her leaving things here!!!!" I started coughing because I was laughing so hard. Charm had no clue about the way he sounded which made it even funnier. Since I travel back and forth to Kansas just about every other week I tend to leave things behind so I didn't notice that I was missing anything. Doubles and triples of necessary toiletries fill my bathroom and who knows how my pairs of pantyhose I own, but trust me from now whatever comes with me will leave with me.
I just got off the phone with Charm and realize that even though we've talked about not talking we still need to talk. How many more times could I have written the word talked in that sentence? Anyway, I feel like I'm in limbo again. UGH!!! Limbo with the divorce, with relocating, and now with Charm. I don't like having to wait for or having someone else make decisions about my life. Sooooo.... where do I go from here? If I really don't like having my life in someone else's hands then I guess I've got to figure out for myself what I'm going to do. I love the guy, and maybe I was in love with him very briefly but it doesn't look like it's returned in a similar fashion. Too bad..... he's a great guy, fun to be with, intelligent, considerate, a good father....
What do I do? No, I'm not asking for someone to me an answer. I'm talking to myself trying to figure this mess out. He's let his Frumster account lapse so I'm getting mixed signals. Maybe we both really should be dating other people? Maybe he's just not that into me... Maybe....
I'm rambling and probably will continue to do so until I make a decision. And yes, I know that not making a decision is also a decision.
Yesterday, I hit the speed dial for Charm by accident while driving with DB and searching for a juice box to give him. Uncle Kracker came on the radio. I love to sing and Charm ended up with a message of me doing just that. He told me that he thought I was trying to tell him something.
You don't know how you met me
You don't know why,
you can't turn around and say good-bye
And all you know is when I'm with you
I make you free
And swim through your veins like a fish in the sea
I'm singing....
Follow me
Everything is alright
I'll be the one to tuck you in at night
And if you want to leave I can guarantee
You won't find nobody else like me
Sunday, March 18, 2007
About Last Night.....
Last night was supposed to be fun. Shmellen and I had originally made plans to get together. She is a very good friend, and stopped me from just closing down and saying good-bye to Charm. Anyway, with Shmellen's blessing I invited Charm to come along. I figured it's been three months now and it shouldn't be a big deal just to go out with me and one of my friends.
When I asked him to join us he responded with, "What are you going to be doing?" That is not what I wanted to hear. I was kind of taken aback and I said that I wasn't completely sure, but does he want to come out with us. Some background.... Saturday night DB was with his father so I could go out and stay out, and Sunday night Charm already had a commitment to attend a school dinner. If we didn't go out Saturday night it might not happen for awhile depending on when my attorney was going to get the revisions to my papers back to me. This past Wednesday we didn't go out because Charm's daughter was with him. That's the other night I have free because DB sleeps over at his father's. Now Charm and his ex have a reasonable relationship. In fact, they have one of the best ex relationships that I've ever seen. Anyway as far as I know and from previous experience Charm doesn't really have any problems with switching nights that his daughter would be with him. OK, OK... let me cut him a little break.... I did say to him earlier in the week that there was the possibility that DB would be with me Wednesday night, but he never asked if that was going to take place.... and I forgot to tell him.
Back to the main issue.... my feelings were hurt because I asked Charm out and I felt that he was saying to me 1. that meeting my friends isn't as important as what we might do with them 2. that agreeing to go out with me wasn't as important as what we might do.
That hurt. I kept it inside like I always do. Whenever I get hurt I try not to show it and put up a wall instead. But, I pushed myself and two days later brought up the subject. I didn't do it in the best way, but I'm trying and learning. I basically asked him if he was just interested in the sex and if he was that's fine, but let me know. You see, that way I can decide if I wanted to be friends with benefits or just end it. When Charm comes over to see me we just end up having sex... Yes, it's great, amazing, mind-blowing sex, but I guess I need more. It seemed like the only time I saw him we stayed in even if I went to him. Just to clarify he has taken me out and we both have crazy schedules, and he graciously comes to me, he also calls me several times during the day but I felt kind of taken for granted. Anyway... after I floored him by asking him if I should start seeing other people, I finally got out that I was very disappointed in the way he answered me when I asked him to come out with me and Shmellen. It was so freaking hard for me to do that because then I was opening up to him that he could hurt me and that he did. It would've been easier for me to just completely break it off, but how stupid and immature would that be? Charm was absolutely wonderful and understanding and apologized and said "When and where?" Now I was the one that was floored I really thought he wasn't interested in spending time with me unless it was just the two of us and sex was a given. Wow, I didn't have to end a relationship just because my feelings were hurt. It didn't mean that Charm did it on purpose and was trying to mess with my head like stbx used to. I told you that I was new to this dating thing and I need to unlearn some protective behaviours.
Anyway... believe it or not everything worked out. That is until last night. Shmellen wasn't feeling well and Charm's friend who decided to join us changed his mind. It just going to be the two of us. I was still looking forward to seeing him. And then I got the phone call.... "Should I even bother getting dressed...." Now, I got dressed, put on perfume and makeup and I was driving over to Charm's. He had to work today, and I thought it would be easier for him if he didn't have to pick me up, go out, take me home and then drive about a half hour back to his place. Boy, did I feel like I was being used just for sex and that even if this was the only night I could go out and do something fun my feelings didn't really matter. He was just thinking... or maybe he wasn't the one who was doing the thinking....
The door in my chest slammed shut and I started to numb myself to my feelings. My chest got tight and I pretended as if he said nothing wrong... I continued joking around with him.
BUT, before I walked out the door to my place I called him back and pushed myself to tell him that I want to go out. Yes, it was unbelievably difficult for me to do that. Yeah, it's ridiculous, and stupid. There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to go out and it shouldn't be so hard for me to say it. I'm not used to asking and getting things that I ask for in a relationship.
Charm was cool and asked if a movie was ok. Of course, my car was stuck in the ice and by the time I got to him I don't think we would have made it to a movie. We went inside and sat down and just talked a little. He knew I was upset, but I didn't know how to tell him. I was scared to say anything. I just wanted to say goodbye and run away..... Instead some of the emotions inside of me escaped and some tears dripped down my face, but I was still unable to tell him what was going on. While we were on the couch, Charm said, "Are you staying over?" Boy that almost did it. What was I supposed to answer to that?? Was he saying that he wanted me to stay over? Was he going to say that if I wanted to stay over it wouldn't really work because he had to get to work early? Brave me I came right out and asked him what kind of question was that? Was it an invitation? He said yes. If he had been thinking about me staying over why didn't he mention something before I left my place so I could bring some things I might need. UGH!!! I know I'm expecting him to read my mind, to know what I want,
I accepted the invite, but I couldn't sleep. Thoughts about what had happened the past week... the "I think I'm in love with you", and the fact that he doesn't tell me I'm pretty, and all the other stuff that just took place. NO!!!! I'm not pmsing!!! So at about 5 a.m. I started thinking that I wanted to cut out, and by sixish I finally got up the courage to get my clothes. I was being soooo very quiet, but Charm woke up. How was I going to explain to him that I was very sensitive and it felt like my feelings were being ignored or trampled on and I just needed to leave. Instead he asked me to come back to bed. I laid down with him and he wanted to have sex again. I just wanted to be held and protected and told that I was pretty. BUT I still can't tell him these things face to face. I tried to get him to go back to sleep. That he had an early day and work, and the two other obligations. He really didn't want me to leave. So I stayed. Finally got some sleep and was having a crazy dream about Charm and an ex-girlfriend of his that he was buying a book for when he woke me up.
As we were walking out the door this morning Charm said "I hope that it wasn't me last night." He meant about the tears. How could I tell him especially right then and there when he needed to get to work. He then said that "Guys always think that they are the one who caused the tears and that they just don't know what they did." He's right. It's not fair to him if I don't tell him how something bothers me and instead I just close down and get ready to run for the door and the next guy. That's kind of what I used to do. As soon as I felt myself feeling something for a guy, if he was getting to close, I'd start to step back. I wouldn't really break up because, hey, that would mean opening up my feelings to someone else. Hell, it would mean that I was acknowledging the fact that I had feelings. Instead I would let the relationship drift to friendship. I was already starting to get the next guy lined up. I replied to some people on Frumster, and now I'm going to let them know that I'm not available, but if anything changes in the future I'll contact them. The people I replied to were not the psychos who were proposing marriage in their first message to me. They were good guys, but so is Charm. I'm going to try and give him a fair chance.
I am very proud of myself. This morning I called Charm and told him that I want to go out more often. That I don't really get the chance to go out and when it's available I don't want to miss it. I kind of explained that I am stuck at home except for Wed. night and some Sat. and Sun. nights if I'm not working. He can get out. Just the fact that he can choose to come over to see me makes me envy him. I can't afford a babysitter, and don't really have any relatives up here in Oz to watch DB. If I did, I would be back in school in a flash. I soooo very much miss signing (ASL, American Sign Language), and I want to become an accredited interpreter. I also miss the friendships that I make in school. The adult companionship.
I also told Charm that I would really like it if he would tell me I'm pretty. I acknowledged the fact that he tells me I look nice, but he's looking at my clothes when he says that. I told him that even if he didn't mean it to say it anyway.
He started joking around (but there's always a little truth in a joke) about me trying to leave in the middle of the night. "Isn't the guy supposed to do that? Were you even going to leave me a note?" Maybe he was trying to tell me that it what I was doing was hurting him? I guess, I'm thinking that I'm the only vulnerable one in the relationship.
All of what has gone on this past week makes me hear my mother's voice in my head, "just because you would do something or treat some one that way does not mean that other people do. You can't expect that they will do that." Then I add my own voice and say "They can't read my mind."
You might think after reading this post that Charm could do nothing right, and that we didn't have a good time together at all this week. You would be wrong. I don't think I would have bothered pushing myself so hard if I didn't know how much fun Charm and I can and do have together. Worst case scenario, I've learned that being honest about what I want and feel and showing Charm or someone else my tears isn't going to make me melt away.....
I feel so much better now that I've gotten this out of my system. My fingers and brain were aching to get this on paper. I never realized how much I missed writing and how writing helps me think things through. I'm not even going to read this over. It's going out as is... as it came out of my head and heart.
When I asked him to join us he responded with, "What are you going to be doing?" That is not what I wanted to hear. I was kind of taken aback and I said that I wasn't completely sure, but does he want to come out with us. Some background.... Saturday night DB was with his father so I could go out and stay out, and Sunday night Charm already had a commitment to attend a school dinner. If we didn't go out Saturday night it might not happen for awhile depending on when my attorney was going to get the revisions to my papers back to me. This past Wednesday we didn't go out because Charm's daughter was with him. That's the other night I have free because DB sleeps over at his father's. Now Charm and his ex have a reasonable relationship. In fact, they have one of the best ex relationships that I've ever seen. Anyway as far as I know and from previous experience Charm doesn't really have any problems with switching nights that his daughter would be with him. OK, OK... let me cut him a little break.... I did say to him earlier in the week that there was the possibility that DB would be with me Wednesday night, but he never asked if that was going to take place.... and I forgot to tell him.
Back to the main issue.... my feelings were hurt because I asked Charm out and I felt that he was saying to me 1. that meeting my friends isn't as important as what we might do with them 2. that agreeing to go out with me wasn't as important as what we might do.
That hurt. I kept it inside like I always do. Whenever I get hurt I try not to show it and put up a wall instead. But, I pushed myself and two days later brought up the subject. I didn't do it in the best way, but I'm trying and learning. I basically asked him if he was just interested in the sex and if he was that's fine, but let me know. You see, that way I can decide if I wanted to be friends with benefits or just end it. When Charm comes over to see me we just end up having sex... Yes, it's great, amazing, mind-blowing sex, but I guess I need more. It seemed like the only time I saw him we stayed in even if I went to him. Just to clarify he has taken me out and we both have crazy schedules, and he graciously comes to me, he also calls me several times during the day but I felt kind of taken for granted. Anyway... after I floored him by asking him if I should start seeing other people, I finally got out that I was very disappointed in the way he answered me when I asked him to come out with me and Shmellen. It was so freaking hard for me to do that because then I was opening up to him that he could hurt me and that he did. It would've been easier for me to just completely break it off, but how stupid and immature would that be? Charm was absolutely wonderful and understanding and apologized and said "When and where?" Now I was the one that was floored I really thought he wasn't interested in spending time with me unless it was just the two of us and sex was a given. Wow, I didn't have to end a relationship just because my feelings were hurt. It didn't mean that Charm did it on purpose and was trying to mess with my head like stbx used to. I told you that I was new to this dating thing and I need to unlearn some protective behaviours.
Anyway... believe it or not everything worked out. That is until last night. Shmellen wasn't feeling well and Charm's friend who decided to join us changed his mind. It just going to be the two of us. I was still looking forward to seeing him. And then I got the phone call.... "Should I even bother getting dressed...." Now, I got dressed, put on perfume and makeup and I was driving over to Charm's. He had to work today, and I thought it would be easier for him if he didn't have to pick me up, go out, take me home and then drive about a half hour back to his place. Boy, did I feel like I was being used just for sex and that even if this was the only night I could go out and do something fun my feelings didn't really matter. He was just thinking... or maybe he wasn't the one who was doing the thinking....
The door in my chest slammed shut and I started to numb myself to my feelings. My chest got tight and I pretended as if he said nothing wrong... I continued joking around with him.
BUT, before I walked out the door to my place I called him back and pushed myself to tell him that I want to go out. Yes, it was unbelievably difficult for me to do that. Yeah, it's ridiculous, and stupid. There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to go out and it shouldn't be so hard for me to say it. I'm not used to asking and getting things that I ask for in a relationship.
Charm was cool and asked if a movie was ok. Of course, my car was stuck in the ice and by the time I got to him I don't think we would have made it to a movie. We went inside and sat down and just talked a little. He knew I was upset, but I didn't know how to tell him. I was scared to say anything. I just wanted to say goodbye and run away..... Instead some of the emotions inside of me escaped and some tears dripped down my face, but I was still unable to tell him what was going on. While we were on the couch, Charm said, "Are you staying over?" Boy that almost did it. What was I supposed to answer to that?? Was he saying that he wanted me to stay over? Was he going to say that if I wanted to stay over it wouldn't really work because he had to get to work early? Brave me I came right out and asked him what kind of question was that? Was it an invitation? He said yes. If he had been thinking about me staying over why didn't he mention something before I left my place so I could bring some things I might need. UGH!!! I know I'm expecting him to read my mind, to know what I want,
I accepted the invite, but I couldn't sleep. Thoughts about what had happened the past week... the "I think I'm in love with you", and the fact that he doesn't tell me I'm pretty, and all the other stuff that just took place. NO!!!! I'm not pmsing!!! So at about 5 a.m. I started thinking that I wanted to cut out, and by sixish I finally got up the courage to get my clothes. I was being soooo very quiet, but Charm woke up. How was I going to explain to him that I was very sensitive and it felt like my feelings were being ignored or trampled on and I just needed to leave. Instead he asked me to come back to bed. I laid down with him and he wanted to have sex again. I just wanted to be held and protected and told that I was pretty. BUT I still can't tell him these things face to face. I tried to get him to go back to sleep. That he had an early day and work, and the two other obligations. He really didn't want me to leave. So I stayed. Finally got some sleep and was having a crazy dream about Charm and an ex-girlfriend of his that he was buying a book for when he woke me up.
As we were walking out the door this morning Charm said "I hope that it wasn't me last night." He meant about the tears. How could I tell him especially right then and there when he needed to get to work. He then said that "Guys always think that they are the one who caused the tears and that they just don't know what they did." He's right. It's not fair to him if I don't tell him how something bothers me and instead I just close down and get ready to run for the door and the next guy. That's kind of what I used to do. As soon as I felt myself feeling something for a guy, if he was getting to close, I'd start to step back. I wouldn't really break up because, hey, that would mean opening up my feelings to someone else. Hell, it would mean that I was acknowledging the fact that I had feelings. Instead I would let the relationship drift to friendship. I was already starting to get the next guy lined up. I replied to some people on Frumster, and now I'm going to let them know that I'm not available, but if anything changes in the future I'll contact them. The people I replied to were not the psychos who were proposing marriage in their first message to me. They were good guys, but so is Charm. I'm going to try and give him a fair chance.
I am very proud of myself. This morning I called Charm and told him that I want to go out more often. That I don't really get the chance to go out and when it's available I don't want to miss it. I kind of explained that I am stuck at home except for Wed. night and some Sat. and Sun. nights if I'm not working. He can get out. Just the fact that he can choose to come over to see me makes me envy him. I can't afford a babysitter, and don't really have any relatives up here in Oz to watch DB. If I did, I would be back in school in a flash. I soooo very much miss signing (ASL, American Sign Language), and I want to become an accredited interpreter. I also miss the friendships that I make in school. The adult companionship.
I also told Charm that I would really like it if he would tell me I'm pretty. I acknowledged the fact that he tells me I look nice, but he's looking at my clothes when he says that. I told him that even if he didn't mean it to say it anyway.
He started joking around (but there's always a little truth in a joke) about me trying to leave in the middle of the night. "Isn't the guy supposed to do that? Were you even going to leave me a note?" Maybe he was trying to tell me that it what I was doing was hurting him? I guess, I'm thinking that I'm the only vulnerable one in the relationship.
All of what has gone on this past week makes me hear my mother's voice in my head, "just because you would do something or treat some one that way does not mean that other people do. You can't expect that they will do that." Then I add my own voice and say "They can't read my mind."
You might think after reading this post that Charm could do nothing right, and that we didn't have a good time together at all this week. You would be wrong. I don't think I would have bothered pushing myself so hard if I didn't know how much fun Charm and I can and do have together. Worst case scenario, I've learned that being honest about what I want and feel and showing Charm or someone else my tears isn't going to make me melt away.....
I feel so much better now that I've gotten this out of my system. My fingers and brain were aching to get this on paper. I never realized how much I missed writing and how writing helps me think things through. I'm not even going to read this over. It's going out as is... as it came out of my head and heart.
Labels:
charm,
dating,
db (darling boy),
friends,
frumster,
men,
relationships,
school,
sex
5 comments:
5 comments:
Monday, February 5, 2007
Updates
I was in court this morning and nothing took place. Surprise, surprise... case dismissed. I wonder why I even bothered showing up. We spent a total of 7 minutes in the court room. I represented myself and am starting to feel more comfortable doing so. I don't plan on being my own lawyer all the time just when it's not necessary for my attorney to be there.
OH! I spoke to Charm about the other guys and he was pretty cool about it. I've been with other men in the past who would've blown up finding that out, but he didn't. He was calm even though he wasn't happy about it and wished that I had told him earlier. I wish that I had done that too. But it was a revelation to realize that I didn't have to walk on eggshells, and that we could talk... Yes, Talk!!! instead of yelling or me getting the silent treatment. WOW!!!
It's nice to know that there are reasonable men out there, and that Charm is one of them. I just feel so comfortable with him, but there's the issue of... UGH!!! I have to stop thinking and just enjoy this for what it is. But what is it though?
OH! I spoke to Charm about the other guys and he was pretty cool about it. I've been with other men in the past who would've blown up finding that out, but he didn't. He was calm even though he wasn't happy about it and wished that I had told him earlier. I wish that I had done that too. But it was a revelation to realize that I didn't have to walk on eggshells, and that we could talk... Yes, Talk!!! instead of yelling or me getting the silent treatment. WOW!!!
It's nice to know that there are reasonable men out there, and that Charm is one of them. I just feel so comfortable with him, but there's the issue of... UGH!!! I have to stop thinking and just enjoy this for what it is. But what is it though?
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