Over It

What Yossi wrote in the comments of my last posts kind of hit home and helped a lot. I spoke to Mr. Rose tonight. I was calm and quiet and told him what hurt me and instead of saying the negative of not doing it in the future, I asked him to do the positive of what I want. What I need from him.

He responded like the wonderful, amazing man he is and apologized and said that he would do it in the future. Then I mentioned that I knew that he knew that something had been bothering me and I asked him why he hadn't brought it up. He answered that he knew I would talk to him about it when I was ready. He was right. Ugh!! He's right an awful lot.

So things are fine now... but I just didn't realize how hurt or angry he could make me. Whoa!!! It freaks me out a little to feel those things so strongly, but I guess that goes along with how strongly I care for and about him.

I love him so I'll keep going and learn along the way. I'm so glad I have this blog as a release and for the support and advice y'all give me. It helps!!! so so so much!!! Thank you!!

Months Ago

Memories of months ago remembered as years of love and smiles
In our understanding through the ancient passion of others
My desire grows with my trust
And the future is nearer than the past

How I long for you without time interrupting;
An eternity of contentment and beatific smiles satisfied in your arms
But the fear crashes through the golden gates and darkens my hopes of forever
It surprised me with a quick return after I had banished it
Vanquished it with your understanding.

I dream of suffocating it with our happiness and together times
But it drags my heels reaching for my open heart.
I want to cut its claws but am afraid of amputating my own hands
Ghost pains of mistrust will only continue to hound me
Until I know what part of me I must fight
To win you

Over My Shoulder

Mr. Rose is sitting next to me as I write. He has access to my blog, but doesn't visit. He wants to give me my privacy. Anyway, I was showing him something and he noticed that in my "about me" it stated that I was thirty-something. Oh boy! He kinda got on me about that. I turned 40 a couple months back.

The funny thing is that when Mr. Rose would first answer his friends questions about me he made me 40. He didn't want people to think there was that great an age difference. Not that it feels like there is any disparity in the way we view the world because of how old we are. Soooooo... I kinda got on him about making me older and he's now returning the favor.

He knows how I feel about honesty too. So there you go.... I'm 40. Of course, I still act like I'm 16.

btw- Mr. Rose just turned another year older himself this week. I think that might be the reason for his even noticing the age thing. ttytt-I don't even notice the age difference, BUT I love to tease him about it.

one more thing Mr. Rose just realized why the post wasn't posting... it said pm not am. Ya just gotta love the man!!!!!

Alive

Drowning in his passion
breathing his kisses
to live
a golden chain of desire drags my heart to him
across my barren soul of doubt

to be found in his arms
waking to dreams
unsure of the reality of love
confused by the calm in his knowing

trusting the safety of his understanding
his words dig into my chest and pound life into my blood
pushing deeper into me
I yield to the truth that this is what is meant to be

Wish I Were Lucky

Lucky





In my heart... Rated R

Am I... When I...

His Song

You touch my heart with words that are not yours
Reaching out for love
Breaking down the doors
Our world of hidden pain
Cannot be forgotten
I yearn for your soul
And stand in the rain

The sky falls down upon me
And I watch while you appear
In a cloud above me
And I’m still standing here

Reaching through the miles traveled in our lives
People we’ve become
As we tell ourselves the lies
To keep us living
Moving forward every day
While looking for that someone
Who can show our hearts the way

The sky falls down upon me
And I watch while you appear
In a cloud above me
And I’m still standing here

Wait for me I’m coming to share your inner world
Reaching for your hand
Knowing we can share the gold

The sky falls down upon me
And I watch while you appear
In a cloud above me
And I’m still standing here

In the joy of our souls meeting the dreams can fade away
We can start to live our life
And move on to the new day
The sky opens up above us
And we watch the sun appear
Together we are smiling
As we throw away the fear

Happy Girl

How can you be angry at someone who knows you better than you know yourself? At someone you don't even want to be angry with? At someone who knows you just want to pick a fight and don't really want to hurt them?


I was upset when he called. He knew from the second he heard my voice that something was wrong, but he didn't push and ask me about it. I was trying hard not to be argumentative, but then he asked me if I wanted to fight. It appears that I can't hide things from him, not that I really want to or maybe I do.

Something he said made me smile and he knew it would. The next thing I knew there were tears in my eyes and he offered me his shoulder to cry on. That did it and I felt the wet drops trace a hot path down my cheeks. My voice didn't catch in my throat and I wasn't sniffling so there was no way for him to know I was crying. His soft words soothed and relaxed me as if he were holding me in his arms.

Usually when I'm that distressed the tears will go on for quite some time, but as he tells me he's "magic." Never have I felt better in such a short amount of time and with less tears. The next thing I know I'm giggling again.


OR


I'm not upset when he calls, and then he says just the words that he knows will bug me. It's done on purpose to get a rise out of me, and it works of course. He's got his fingers on what buttons to push.

Then he chuckles, and he is most definitely aware that this only infuriates me more. Two seconds later he tells me something that has me cracking up despite myself. This makes him laugh even harder knowing that I'm trying my best to stay irritated with him and that I'm losing the battle. My giggles inform him that he has won again.


Either way it's hard to stay angry at a man who makes me happy... a very happy girl.

Everything Is Going To Be Alright

When I was little (and not so little) my mother used to sing a song to me. She would only sing it when she was holding me and rocking me back and forth while tears were dripping down my face. I sing this song to DB when he's crying, and it calms him down. I hold him in my arms and rock him.

Everything is gonna be alright
alright, alright
Every little thing is going to be alright

My mother told me something that really touched me. She said that she used to sing that song to make herself feel better while she held me or my brother and was comforting us. I completely understand.

My heart aches when DB cries. I'm not talking about the crying because of scraped hands or that his lego creation broke. I'm also not referring to the fake tears he sheds (very rarely) when he can't get some new Yugioh cards or the like. The crying I'm referring to is sobbing, break your heart frustration, hurting, help me mommy, tears. These are usually the ones you can do nothing about except to hold your child, and in your heart ask Hashem to take away his pain.

I find it difficult not to cry when I sing DB the song my mother sang to me. I sing it not just as a comfort to him. It's a prayer that I am saying asking for everything to be all right for my child, and to make his life better.

I have tears in my eyes slowly dripping onto my cheeks while I write this, and it's hard for me to swallow. Sometimes my throat catches when I sing this to DB. I think of my mother and my son.

I went through some very difficult times as a child and teenager. Now I know what it feels like from the mother's side, and I can still remember what it felt like as a child.

This post is not a sad one even though it's about pain and tears. It's about comfort and love. It's about relief and knowing that everything will be "alright." I can hear my mother's voice singing it to me right now.