Bye Bye

Trying To Forget

I've been trying to forget him. It hasn't been working too well, but maybe now it will. It's good-bye.

I wrote these two posts before. I put one up and took it down... hoping.



Surprised

That he didn't say good-bye.

But should I be? What else am I to think?

There is so much to write and say that the words are stuck in my chest and have started climbing to my throat along with the ache. I won't allow it to go any further. I'll swallow it down. I won't allow myself to hurt like this. I won't have to worry about hanging in limbo.

Maybe it was all of my own making. Maybe I saw more in him than was really there. Maybe it's just not meant to be. Maybe he just discovered who I really was or thinks he has. Maybe he has too much going on. Maybe he's just too tired, lazy, afraid or doesn't feel what he thought was there. And maybe I shouldn't be coming up with excuses for him. He's just not that into me. That's it... plain and simple.

I opened myself up to him more than I have done with any other man I've known, felt more for him than I thought was possible. I'm glad I did. I hope he has a good life and will be happy. I know that I will.

Goodbye



I'm Not So Smart

Sometimes, I'm just not so smart. I don't need to be hit over the head with a baseball bat to realize that someone just doesn't feel the same way. Yeah, I'm beating myself up.

I just thought... I just thought he cared the way I did. It shouldn't hurt to know that he doesn't. It should make me feel better. It should make me feel relieved and even happy, but it doesn't. I'll miss him.

He made me smile and feel good inside. But then he also made me cry. I just wasn't going to do it in front of him. I never felt that way for someone, and there's no way in hell I'm going to let myself feel that way again. It just hurts too much.

I'm going to forget him, and everything about him.

I'm strong. I may not be smart sometimes, but I'm strong enough to get through this. And I'm not stupid enough to let myself get hurt like this again. I wish I didn't feel. I wish the pain would just leave the way he has. It hurts.

I know that I deserve someone who wants me. But you know what, I don't think I'm going to open myself up to that.

Why

...couldn't you have said so before?
...leave me waiting and hanging?
...do I still care?
...won't the feelings go away?
...am I just so angry?

There's so much I want to say. I counted to 10... I counted to 100... I concentrated on my breathing... I counted to 100 again...

What I want to write is "Go away. I'll leave you alone. Good-bye." But there's a part of me that doesn't want that to be the case.

Then there's a part of me that just wants to rail at you... pound your chest with my fists... make you hurt the way I'm hurting.

You know where to find me, but I'm not going to be waiting.

Just Listen

When I talk to my friends about things that are going on in my life I don't expect answers or solutions. In fact, I don't usually appreciate them. I just need to talk. I usually know exactly what's going on and what needs to be done. This is my life after all. I just need to vent or hear my thoughts out loud.

I try my best to do this for my friends too. It used to be much more difficult. I hurt when the people I care about hurt, and I used to want to solve everything. I find that listening is appreciated more, and if they really need advice my friends will ask for it.

Even if I share similar characteristics to you, what you might find a workable solution may not necessarily apply to me. I am my own person and make my own choices so it bothers me if someone feels that they are responsible for giving me "bad advice" and what occurs afterwards. In no uncertain terms, is that true. For one thing, if you give me advice it doesn't necessarily mean that I'm taking it. For another, by apologizing for the advice you gave, it is as if you are assuming direct responsibility for my actions.

I love my friends, but I resent when they do that. If I choose to do something, it may not be because of your advice even if you did mentioned it.

I know I'm a little bit touchy about this. It might come from the fact that I lived under someone's control for quite some time and had to work very hard to break free of it.

Thanks for listening.

I'm Back

...and the gloves are coming off!!!

We're going to trial in May. The ex and his attorney should be prepared because there aren't going to be any settlement negotiations. The Administration for Children's Services (ACS), formerly known as Child Protective Services, opened and is in the middle of another investigation about the ex and how he treats DB.

If you know of any tehillim lists, I would greatly appreciate you adding DB to them. Shlomo Yitzchak ben Feiga Rochel.

Thank you

Did I Do It?

I just sent in three poems to a poetry zine. At least, I think I sent in three poems or maybe it was four. By accident I hit a key on my keyboard, possibly enter, and then the whole submission disappeared and another screen popped up. Instead of bothering the editor, I'll wait two months to hear from them. Submissions should be responded to by that time. If I don't get any news then I'll resubmit.

I went over the poems again and again and one of them I didn't even bother submitting. Plus I sent them to a bud for his opinion, but I don't think they'll be good enough to be accepted. So.... I'm waiting for my first rejection letter/e-mail. Giving up is not an option, but I'm wondering how many of these letters will accrue before I'm published by someone other than myself.

btw-did you notice that even my fingers are klutzy???

Really?

I haven't thought of myself as factious, but just tonight a friend told me that I'm contrary, defiant, like to question authority, and rebellious. I just laughed and told him that it's not surprising he said that considering who he is. Then I laughed some more just to irritate him.

Not Your Average Bear...

Boo Boo.

Okay, let's clarify. I'm not your normal girl/woman, Bais Yaakov or otherwise. I can hear you guys saying, "Yeah yeah, CR, tell us something new." But I just want to let you know that as far as I remember I was always like this.

I was the only girl in my school whose parents were divorced. I was the only girl in my school who read science fiction, and the fact that I took the SATS in seventh, eighth and ninth grade didn't help me fit in either. But the most distinguishing characteristic of all that separated me from the other girls, was that I had no relatives living in Oz.

I really felt the pain of being different when I was in eighth grade. I tried to fit in so desperately, but it just didn't work out the way I wanted. Towards the middle of that year I came to the realization that I was going to be happy with who I was, and friends with everyone. When the cool girls were friendly and wanted to hang, we did; when they didn't, I hung around with the "nebby" girls, the "spazs", the "brains", and girls in the older and younger grades. That doesn't really sound right. What I mean is that if someone just wanted to be my friend it automatically meant that she was.

I went to B'nos, Bnei Akiva, and NCSY. To all you smart asses out there, No, I didn't go to Pirchei, but I had some buds who did. I finally did find a crowd of my own, but I still didn't feel 100% accepted. I guess no one really does, but when you're a teenager the only person that you think is suffering is you.

I was speaking with a friend tonight, and we were talking about how people in her family think about her. That conversation brought the past back to me, and it hurt to hear the pain in her voice. I'm very lucky that my family never cared what I did. Well, yes they did, but what I mean was they never cared if I was different. Maybe that's because my family is so diverse and yes, strange. They only were concerned if you didn't follow your heart not if you followed the norm.

Accepting people for who they are without judging is now an intrinsic part of who I am. I'm trying to pass this along to DB and it makes me proud to see through the different children that he has chosen as friends that he is already internalizing this trait.

What Women Deserve

I want to be treated like I'm special because I am. I was just recently contacted by someone on Frumster who had possibilities. When it came to our first date and he asked me where we would like to meet, I was floored.. so much so that I said, "I don't know. You choose."

I continued talking to him and then he asked me what I would like to do, and if I had any suggestions. WHAT!?!?! He's a grown man at least give me some choices. He wanted to take me out on a date. He contacted me.

Well, I called him back today, and told him that I want to be treated nicely. That what I wanted was someone who would pick me up at the very least for a first date, and this person would treat me better than my ex had.

He started stumbling over his words and said that he would pick me up if I wanted that, but the thing is I want someone who can think to do that for himself. He then said that he never had any problem with anyone else when he suggested meeting in the city. I told him that I wasn't high maintenance 'cause lord knows I'm not, but that I wanted to be treated nicely. He started "uh.." and I said, "thank you and it was nice getting to know you." He replied the same still in shock.

For future reference, all you single guys out there: just because a girl (woman) likes to watch and play football, running around outside, and is low maintenance does not mean that she doesn't want to or doesn't deserve to be treated like she's special which includes telling her she's pretty and picking her up on dates.

btw-I'm so proud of myself!