Again

It hurts... again. He said he would call back, and he didn't. Not even to say that he can't talk.

I'm worried. I hope everything is fine with his family.

It appears as if he turned off his phone, and that hurts.

I don't know what to think.

It hurts. What happened? Why didn't he call? Doesn't he know just how much it hurts me and how much I miss him???

I want to strike back. I want to cry. I want to curl into a ball and not let anyone touch my heart again.

I know I'm exaggerating. But I'm not. It hurts.

The tears are slowly slipping down my cheeks, and I am wishing that they carry the hurt with them. Out of me.

I try to tell him how much or how important it is for me to talk to him. Maybe it's too important. Maybe it's too much.

I don't need him. Make me don't need him. Make me don't care. Make it go away.

Maybe I expect too much. I'm sorry if I do. I'm sorry that I believe you when you say you will call. I don't need you. I don't need anyone. Just go away and I'll be fine.

If The Name Fits

...and it does. Mr. Rose is a "Good Man." I was re-reading old posts last night and realized that Mr. Rose most definitely fits the bill. I even called him up and read it to him. He started laughing and said that I was describing him. WOW!!! I found one. I knew they existed somewhere in the dating jungle, but I just didn't know where they were hiding.

The thing is (drum roll please) he's not from Oz. Nothing against y'all from the Emerald City, but this Dorothy likes them from hills. Well, at least I like this one from the hills. And yes, I really, and I mean really, like him. OK, OK, I guess it's time for me to finally say it... I like him a lot!! Psych!!!

Fine I'll say it. The words that I am dancing around are... I love him.

You heard it here first. I love Mr. Rose. I didn't plan on it happening, but it did just the same. The man has won my heart... completely. And here comes the kicker, I don't just love him, I'm in love with him. He makes me feel beautiful, safe and loved. I trust him. I know that I've written it before about him in my blog, but the love just grows. This love feels like it's settling in my heart or maybe putting in roots. It's simple and strong.

It's so funny how with the other men I dated it was so easy for me to write that I might love them, but now with him it's different. It's just so personal. It's something special. UGH!!! That sounds so trite and just... UGH!!! What I'm trying to say is that it's, it's something that just he and I share.

I don't know if I'm making any sense. Some of you might understand. Anyway, that's also why I haven't written about our sex life. Kind of weird, isn't it? I will say this. His kisses make me disappear, chills run down my spine and my skin burns at his touch. I've never felt like this before. No man has ever, ever made me feel like this. I'm just so glad that it's him because otherwise I'd have a problem... hee hee ;)

Again

When did things get so intense?

I just spent awhile going through some old letters, and started remembering how much fun I had/have with you. It made me smile and laugh. I relaxed while thinking about you doing and saying silly things.

Sometimes you just need to enjoy each other's company. And that's me talking to myself. I know you are well aware of this and have been trying to knock it into my head.

I like you and spending time with you. That's it.



btw-Don't even try and think that you knew I would do this!!!! You sooooooo didn't.

Another Lesson Learned

What number am I up to now??? I'm talking about the lessons I've learned about dating. Just in case y'all can't figure this one out, I had a date. Yup, it was just one. That was enough.

The thing is... I spoke to him for about 4 hours in our first conversation. OK, OK... I like to talk, but it was an easy and fun conversation. He was not the type of guy that most people would think I would date. Hey, I wasn't even sure I would date him, but I decided to give him a chance.

He looked great on paper... on computer screen. He was intelligent, read science fiction, liked Van Morrison, opera, jazz and ballet. So we talked and talked. I recently made the decision to start talking to a guy instead of doing the messaging through Frumster to e-mailing back and forth then to im'ing and finally phone conversation. It was just to much effort. I would rather know if I could actually get along with someone enough to go out with them before investing so much time and hope.

I've been surprised a couple of times when the guy I'm speaking to over the phone is not the same personality as the one to whom I've been writing to back and forth. Some guy or maybe even girl out there is making money off of writing messages for nervous daters. Cyrano de Bergerac ala the computer age. I wonder if they are even paid by both sides to have a correspondence between themselves and no one the wiser.

So this guy and I spoke and then made plans to go out in the near future. It just so happened that the opportunity presented itself the next day. I jumped at it because I've also discovered that a good phone conversation does not necessarily equal chemistry or attraction in person. Needless to say it didn't work out.

Soooooo, I have now learned that I cannot speak for an extended period of time on the phone before meeting someone. It's just who I am. Some people feel safer and do better with spending all that time writing and talking, but it doesn't work for me. I just get my hopes up and then.... "Surprise!!! I'm not who you imagined me to be." I've got a good imagination so this might actually be what trips me up.

OH!! I did just want to let some of you know that I met him in the city. He had offered to come and pick me up except it just didn't make any sense. He works in the city, we were going to go out to have dinner there and he would've had to take the train home and then drive to me. It was the fact that he offered which made me feel comfortable about driving in to meet him. Not like the more recent guy who felt it was an imposition to come and get me that's why I was surprised by his actions on the date.

When we met I knew immediately that he just didn't do it for me, but I felt that I had to give it a chance anyway. The little things are what really turned me off. He walked very fast and expected me to keep up. Actually, he didn't even notice when I wasn't walking next to him. I was contemplating turning around, walking in the other direction and heading home, but I figured I might as well have dinner. He also didn't make sure that I had room to walk next to him. It was a bad start.

At the restaurant he didn't move out of the way to allow people to get by him, and he left his bag in a spot that made it more difficult for people to walk in and out. That basically did it, but I didn't let him know. I'm not the kind of person who can be rude or tell a date by my actions that I'm not the least bit interested. Plus I decided that since I was out I might as well enjoy myself, and I did for the most part.

There were other things that he did that turned me off, but it just fit in with the behavior that he exhibited earlier. A word of advice to you gentlemen out there, the little things count... BIG TIME!!!

So the next guy I date I will hardly know. We will write to exchange phone numbers and then talk a little to see if it's worth arranging a date. Yeah right, I'd love to see me actually hang up after 15 minutes or even a half hour. Since I'm going to (try to) do it this way, I think that I might end up meeting the next guy/s I date instead of having them pick me up because I just won't know them that well (that's for you, Gila and Webgirl). But that doesn't mean that I don't want them to offer to come and get me.

btw-will someone please tell me why my spellcheck isn't working??