Not Dorothy Anymore

At least I know I do it. Don't they say that admitting you have a problem is the first step to correcting it. It seems that I have a tendency to choose men that are unavailable to me. And yes, I know why I do it too. It also seems that I have a tendency to push away men that are available to me. Smart, real smart CR.

Y'all know about the guy I care about in Texas. The funny thing is that he's a real cowboy. Not in the roping, shooting, riding horses kind of the word, but as in attitude and behavior.

Anyway, just got off the phone with him. One of the things that I really like about him is that he's honest and up front, and so am I. I have never had a relationship like this if you can call phone conversations from hundreds of miles away a relationship. Anyway, it's kind of hard for me to make myself vulnerable or rather I really dislike doing it. I'm sure that most people don't enjoy that feeling.

My body reacts and I feel my chest tighten up and pull in as if to protect my heart. Oh! Another enlightening explanation about why I choose unavailable guys.... that way at some point in the relationship I have a reason, an out, so that I can say good-bye. I've been trying this past year to work on this problem, but obviously I'm not doing too well, or maybe I am getting a little better at it.

I didn't completely shut down and pull away from Bud when things weren't working out, although, he was definitely unavailable. Oh, and Chassidish well, that was really just sex. I could go through the list of guys, and maybe I should. But I know I'm repeating a pattern. Although I have made some good friends out of the guys that I've dated.

I think that marriage for me is out of the picture. I can't see myself trusting a man enough to marry him. This doesn't mean trust with regard to sex, or money. This means with my emotions... the most precious of all. I'll gladly give my love to you, but when you get too close to me I'll run away. Yeah, I'm a scaredy-cat. Big, strong CR who takes care of DB, does a lot of her own work on her divorce, and feels comfortable representing herself in court is scared to feel. I just want to pull in and close down.

Obviously, something went down or came up today. Funny how those two sayings can mean sort of the same thing. Yup, I spoke with Cowboy. It was a good, honest, open conversation which makes me respect him and care for him all the more. Maybe that's what makes me feel like running away. I don't like that I feel this way.

I like to be in control of me. I'm sure a lot of it has to do with my marriage to my ex, and how he controlled me, whether we went out or not, who we saw, and it got to the point that he controlled the way I felt about myself. Giving anyone some control or letting them in a little is frightening. How do I know they won't treat me the same way? OK, OK, I know that's just an excuse albeit a valid one.

So, where do I go from here? I'm just not sure. I'll keep on pushing my comfort zones, even if it terrifies me. To be honest with me (you guys, just get to be in on the conversation I'm having with myself right now) I don't think I'll ever end up even meeting Cowboy or if that actually does take place I can see it being a one or two time thing and then me saying good-bye and riding off into the sunset.

I was going to write "Maybe if I work hard enough I'll come back in the morning." But I just don't think it's going to happen.

There's a huge possibility that I won't even post this. See! I am a big 'fraidy-cat or that I'll post it so that I don't have to talk about it with Cowboy; more 'fraidy-cat behavior. But, I actually did tell him most of this already. YAY ME!!! A very hard thing to do, very scary. It helps getting this out. But I still hurt inside because a part of me knows that I'll probably be saying good-bye sometime soon.

That was so not fair of me to write. See, I'm pushing him away just by writing that. That way I don't have to be the one to say good-bye he'll say it for me. You can just call me the Cowardly Lion. And maybe someday I'll see the wizard and get some courage.

Bad And Good

OK, I have a tremendous amount to write about. Most of it is good stuff and even the bad stuff can eventually turn into some good. It's just getting through it that's miserable. Of course, it involves DB and school. How many of you out there think that 2 hours of homework is acceptable for someone not yet in 7th grade. Do you even think that 2 hours of work is reasonable for a 7th grader? I believe that it's completely ridiculous. When does a child have a chance to be a child?

I can't stand it when DB is crying for two hours while doing his homework that he is not even capable of doing. They are setting him up to fail. I have to hold in my tears until he goes to sleep. The ones I shed are sorrow for his pain and anger against a system that makes me unable to care for my child properly.

I know it will work out in the end. I just have to get us both there in one piece and with the ability to move forward and forget.

Now for the very good stuff....

I had a GREAT b-day!! I took DB and we went to see Mary Poppins on Broadway. His first show. I had been saving up for it for about a year so that we could get good seats. What would be the use in paying for bad ones. So we sat center orchestra. It was amazing. Just the two of us heading into Midtown for fun. It was Erev Succos so he didn't have school and we went to a matinee. I ended up getting discount tickets and then had a code so they cost even less. YAY!!

The show was amazing, but I spent half of it watching DB's reactions. He was laughing out loud, singing along under his breath, and moving his feet to Step In Time (his favorite part). My cheeks hurt from smiling so much. When we left DB was trying to figure out what show we should start saving up for next.

What a fantastic time and wonderful day. The sun was out. We were relaxed and enjoying our time together without worrying about anything else. Plus I was wearing my new "ring" DB had made for me out of hot pink colored wire. He felt bad that he didn't have a present for me so he made the ring. Of course it means more to me than any present he could've bought. Oy, I just love that munch sooooo much.


And now on to dating or not.....

I've found out a lot of info about BGB, and I've liked all of it. He's an amazing man, and his profile says that he might be willing to relocate, but that could just mean anywhere in or near Oz. Yes, I asked him even though we were just flirting. I think I'm starting to learn that I should ask that of every guy so that way I know whether or not to allow myself to feel something for him. I wanted to make sure that before I got to that point I would know where I stand. I think it took him by surprise as if I thought things were up to a certain point. Y'all know how I've messed up by dating Bud when he wasn't able to relocate, and then when Man's profile said he was willing, but it turned out otherwise. The same thing with Blondie. I understand about the pulling back, and I was doing a little bit of it myself.

So if I start to feel something for BGB I don't want to have to stamp on my emotions again. I am doing the smart thing and trying to protect myself. I just needed to know one way or the other. Then I can adjust the way I view him if necessary. Otherwise I will be hanging in limbo along with possibilities. Ugh! I've been in it long enough with the divorce and having to wait for someone else to make decisions about my life. If there's some way to prevent it from taking place with regard to something, ANYTHING; I will do it... even if it means the guy thinks I'm jumping the gun and moving too fast. I wish I didn't get all the info about him it just showed me what an incredible person he is; caring, kind, so true to his beliefs, honest, and romantic.

But the fact is he might have an issue dating divorced women with children. He also has a type of woman he can see himself with, and I don't really fit there either. It's kind of funny because I'm not sure if I would/will date him. So why would I go out with someone when I already have two strikes against me. I just wanted to be clear (for myself) so that if the flirting led anywhere I would know from the very beginning.

He wrote back jokingly that he didn't even know we were dating, and that he's not sure if he wants to. He's quite aware of the fact that I won't fool around with someone I would date for tachlis, and he doesn't know if he wants that to be the case.

It's just that if someone has possibilities I need to know if I feel something for him without any extra attachments added because of being intimate. It doesn't mean that I would never fool around with someone I'm dating, but I just need to know what my feelings are before getting physical.

more to say but it will have to wait

Tears and Laughter

I'm an emotional person. No duh, CR. What I mean is that I don't cry at the drop of a hat, but when I do I actually experience the sadness. OK, this is not making sense. What I'm trying to say is that I feel my feelings. How's that one? Yeah, yeah, just as bad. Maybe the point I'm trying to get across is that I don't need to dwell...

Anyway, today I went for a little ride down the hill of tears and then up to the clouds of giggles. Of course, Bud happened to call when I was just starting to cry. I feel bad for guys when a girl starts to cry. They just don't know what to do or what to say. Well, not all of them. It's just that you can hear their discomfort in the silence while you sob. Bud dealt with it pretty well. He let me talk, then sniffle, talk some more, really start to sob, laugh, then talk some more. That's all a woman really wants when she's feeling down. At least, that's what I want, plus a hug if possible. Not someone to solve my problems just someone to listen.

Now about that laughing in the middle of crying part... by now, you guys know that I'm weird, strange, unusual or whatever word you'd like to use to describe me. A small part of of this eccentricity is my tendency or ability to laugh when I cry. I think it's because I really don't like to be sad and if I can find some absurdity about my situation then I'll laugh at it. I might start crying again, but I would much rather be happy than have tears sliding down my cheeks.

Bud didn't have to deal with my tears for long and when we spoke later tonight I was happy and life was back in perspective again. It's taken me such a long time to learn how to let things go and move on. What would have taken a week or two several years ago only takes 1/2 hour now.

And of course, since DB was with me I really couldn't be sad for long. The tears ended (DB is never privy to them) and we had a pizza party in the succa. Then we went bowling with Saba. I WON! I got a strike on top of a spare, and then I did a little dance down the lane (enough to embarrass DB). He wasn't too shy to show us a few of his moves when he managed to get all ten pins down. Gotta love the boy, he shakes his tush just like his mom.

On the way home Saba started talking about his Polaroid lenses on his new sunglasses. DB and I were giggling and then broke into full out laughter. Finally Saba realized that his new glasses are polarized, and by then he was cracking up too.

It all works out in the end.

Rambling Reasons Why AND Growing Older And Growing Up

Well, my last post certainly got some interesting comments and instead of replying to them individually I thought that I would do so here. First and foremost I cannot and will not have sex with someone who I cannot connect with in several important areas. I have to be physically attracted to them... no duh, CR. But I also have to be attracted to their personality. A great looking body alone just doesn't do it for me. You might find it hard to believe but a man's mind and ability to make me laugh does so much more for me than his body (even if it's his body that I ultimately want him for) It doesn't have to make sense to you... it's just the way I am. I just reread that body sentence and it didn't sound completely right.

I don't want someone just for their body. I want the whole person and I would love to have that with one individual for the rest of my life. I just really don't see that happening. Sooooooo.... I will enjoy what I can have friendship, laughter, without the long time commitment.


There are some men it is easier for me to fool around with. What I mean is that it's not a problem for me to have fun and run. What I really mean is that I don't even want a long time relationship with them. Nope what I am trying to say is that I don't crush on them. Meaning I don't think of possibilities or if onlys. It is friendship and sex. I like csbf as a term much better that friends with benefits maybe because I grew up with it or maybe that casual sex between friends means something shared with a friend. Friends with benefits implies (to me that is) that your in a friendship for the benefits.

The more a man exhibits possibilities the more that I cannot just fool around for the sake of mutual enjoyment. My heart starts to get involved. Ugh! My heart... it drives me bonkers...

I'm completely rambling and I don't think I'm responding to any of the comments


ok let me try again... I do believe that these men do care for me as a good friend. Actually I have to view them as a friend before I could enjoy being with them. That connection again...

I wasn't hurt with what happened with Chassidish it's just that I thought that it was funny that he thought he had to run away without just saying I had fun and it was nice but it's done with. I can deal with goodbyes. I'm a big girl or I will be tomorrow. It's my b-day and I'll be thirty-something.

I think that's why I've been feeling down... no, not down, resigned that's the word I was looking for. Resigned to my life. I think that once I truly adjust to it... I can then relax and enjoy it more. It's hard to like what you have when you always want more.


So I need to stop wanting more. Yeah, like that's going to work, I will always want the man with whom I can live the rest of my life, but I've got to be realistic too. And my son's mental, physical, and emotional well-being come way before anything that I might want. I can relate to Tom, Jack's friend, but I know what comes first as opposed to his confusion and conflict. It's easier when it's a matter of safety as opposed to just difficulty it's much easier to make a decision. Yeah, but just try living with it.

I wrote the above earlier today before I talked to Blondie. Ya see, Blondie reads my blog so it's been kind of difficult... well, I haven't been able to write everything I wanted to until now that is. I've been crushing on Blondie. I didn't plan on it. I didn't know or want to start looking at him in a different way.. that there could be a possibility of.... that he has potential (always hated that word, heard it too much from the teachers at school). I was over at Mamasita's helping her get ready for yontif (and talking to her about how much fun Blondie is) when I took a break to call him. Anyhow we started speaking about other things tonight, his kids, frumkeit and then ... he mentioned that he feels the need to distance himself. Funny thing is that I had just said the exact same words to Bud an hour earlier. Of course, Bud mentioned that I have a tendency to crush on guys but.... I didn't feel that way about Chassidish.

It was very brave and honest of Blondie to come out and tell me what's going on with him and of course I reciprocated. I really respect the man. If only he could have been a good lay and that's all. And I told him that too (those exact words as a matter of fact). And he makes me laugh even while talking about it... So what to do.... and he asked and I didn't really want to make a decision and yes, for the fifteenth time I know that not making a decision is a decision in and of itself. He didn't push for one. We left things and said goodnight.

Mamasita looked at my face and asked what was going on. I'm an open book and I know it. I told her and then I got the shmooze. Why it might be best for DB to have a happy mom rather than to relocate. I wanted her to shut up, but I know she's partially right, and that's the kicker there's right on both sides. It's hard enough for me to make a decision about what to wear on a date let alone this stuff. Oh, I just wanted to listen to her and forget. Forget DB's pain, forget the fact that my bro is in Israel so I take care of my parents in Kansas, forget that I could once again be stuck somewhere without my family and have things go all to pieces....

I WANT!!!!! I want to be free.... but I'm a mom.... a confused one but still a mom. That's when I got the call to go pick DB up from his friend's house. He was trying to sleep over, but was just too anxious and scared. I drove over there with tears in my eyes and then swallowed them down. He can't even fall asleep at a friend's house and here I am thinking of keeping him in the place and with the father that makes him feel this way.

But I still wanted to call Blondie and say "hey, what the F... let's try and see where things will take us." He's... but I didn't. I thought some more of Tom and felt horrible for what I wrote earlier (above) in my post.

Anyway... I think I should just stop dating. The possibility of feeling for someone and then having to realize that DB comes first is just heartbreaking. I believe that as a mom DB comes first. Not all the time because then that wouldn't mean being a good mom. I know that I have to take care of myself in order to take care of him and that includes my being happy but....

I don't want to distance myself I'm willing to go through the hurt if it comes, but Blondie doesn't want to and doesn't need to and I respect that. I really should call Gretel, but if I do I'm afraid that she would say the same thing as Mamasita. I told Mamasita jokingly that I didn't want to hear what she was saying and it was only making things more difficult for me. She said that as a friend she felt she needed to say it.

Worst of all I've been hearing all these different love songs on the radio today, and my b-day is tom. Nope my b-day is now... could I feel any sorrier for myself. UGH! CR get real, you're alive and have a beautiful boy who's smile makes your heart fill. Time to grow up and deal.

I'm done feeling sorry for myself, but I... Oh, forget it! Let me just end this post now.

songs I heard today
Delilah, plain white tees
Not Pretty Enough, Kasey Chambers
Bubbly, Colbie Callait
Born To Run, Bruce Springsteen
Do It Anyway, Martina Mcbride
This Kiss, Faith Hill
Crazy Love, Van Morrison

note: this is a big b-day and could be why I'm rambling and feeling all these things...

btw-did answer the comments on my last post individually

I Didn't Listen

I spent most of the night with Chassidish. It started with what has become our regular messaging on Frumster and ended at about 5 a.m. with me falling asleep while talking to him on the phone. He's got this voice that could melt butter... yeah, yeah, me and voices.

And yes, I know it won't work out. And yes, I called Bud and he reminded me of what happened when we dated and he couldn't move. Soooo.... I guess I will definitely deserve it if I get hurt. I've been forewarned. Ya see, I miss the closeness that you have in a relationship. Chassidish does too. I think we are both being stand-ins for Mr./Ms. Right until that person comes along.

Mr. B-Ball is fun to talk to, but I don't get the thrill.... the excitement that I get when I know it's Chassidish calling. I haven't heard from Prince in almost a week and Denver and I will be going out next Friday. I still don't see anything coming of that date but I'm going to give it a try anyway. BUT if I heard from Geek (I gave him my e-mail address and phone number in my last Frumster message to him) I wouldn't be talking to Chassidish, and he knows and understands that.

btw-not going to the Shabbaton in Baltimore, Maryland.... it's too much money for me to lay out and I'm tired of driving. Plus... I'll be honest with you... I want to go out with Chassidish. But maybe I'll go out with B-Ball instead. He mentioned something to me last night.

I'm too tired to continue... No duh, CR, you only got three hours of sleep, worked out, and then spent most of the day walking around the Museum of Natural History with DB.

It's Raining Men

This is too funny. When it rains it pours.

I just spent about an hour on the phone with Mr. B-Ball and we were talking about getting together to shoot some hoops (don't worry sw/fm. we had plans first so he'll have to wait). He was funny and sooooo easy to talk to. Not much of a reader, but kind and interested in people.

Prince also called today, but I didn't hear the phone. I called him back, but I still haven't heard from him.

Chassidish and I have been spending a little too much time messaging each other back and forth and now he wants to take me to dinner.... only dinner. I told him straight out no. I also explained why because of what happened with Bud/Charm and I don't want to go through that again. But it was very, very, very tempting.

Pen is still writing me, but he has a couple dates coming up so I'm happy for him and not so concerned about our staying in touch.

Geek wrote me. I had just about given up on hearing from him. I was even contemplating writing him a "good-bye it was nice getting to know you" message last night. For some reason, I just didn't do it, and I'm so glad. He had been extremely busy at work. He apologized and then proceeded to write a great message. This is someone who I would really like to get to know better.

As much as I get along with the other guys, he is someone who appeals to me tremendously. He's very close with his family, respects them, goes to museums, reads, and actually thinks before acting or writing. But I still haven't told him about the relocation thing. I don't think I will until after we speak on the phone. I'm too tired to write him back. I like to think before I answer his messages.

btw-I'm so glad that three of the guys I wrote to have not written back. This is more than enough for one girl to handle.

Gotta get some sleep.... going back to Kansas tomorrow after I pick DB up from school. Man, I'm craving some chocolate right now.

Ups And Downs OR Justice And The Law Are Not The Same

I really try very hard to stay positive, but sometimes I just feel beaten down. Like today, just got some news from my attorney about the divorce and an unjust decision by the court. It looks like another appeal I have to write and write it I damn well will!!!! I don't curse, unless you consider saying "fudge" a curse word. In fact, you can ask Bud. He used to comment on that a lot when we were going out.

I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes so frustrated because it feels like things will never end. It also feels like if you don't have money or aren't psycho the system is bound to eat you alive. BUT I just won't give up. No matter what DB is counting on me (even if he doesn't know it) to take care of him and make sure that he doesn't get hurt... physically, emotionally, mentally. Sometimes it's a helluva lot for my shoulders to bear so of course it makes me wish for someone else in my life to tell me it's gonna be okay.

That's what makes this next part so funny (ironically, of course). Friday's date was great. Mr. Wonderful stood outside the restaurant in the street to save me a parking space. When we saw each other we just smiled for awhile and laughed. When we ate he was staring into my eyes for minutes at a time, and then he volunteered some more very personal stuff about himself and his family. After we ate and went back to the car he gave me a book. The one we had been discussing. Time Travel In Einstein's Universe about the physical possibilities of time trave. (Bud, you might like this, but I'm not sure how you feel about physics and there's a lot of it in the book).

I drove him to his friend's house and we got stuck in traffic for two hours. But there was never a lack of anything to say and even when we got quiet for a moment or two it was easy and comfortable. Sooo this is my question... why haven't I heard from him? He's been on Frumster and has definitely seen me on Frumster.

Now I'm just waiting for the third thing to happen. Haven't you ever heard of bad things coming in threes? At least I'm prepared and waiting for the shoe to drop.

Days like these make me ask "WHY???" Why does Hashem put so much hurt in this world? Why do children have to suffer? Why can't Hashem sometimes let up and help me help my son?

I know, I know.... I'm getting overemotional. I mean really, what does $50,000 mean to someone who is so deep in debt that the credit card companies aren't even bringing her to court for judgements because it would just be a waste of their money since I have no assets. You gotta laugh at that one... I do... I'm on pretty good terms with a lot to the collectors and at this point believe it or not they're nice to me.

I'm disappointed... No duh, CR and I'm talking to myself. It's just that I thought there was something good going on with Mr. Not-So-Wonderful. All you have to do is say or write I'm busy or I don't think this right for me. Jesus Christ!!!!! What is so hard about that??? Well, I'm not a guy and I'm most certainly not an insecure, unfeeling guy so I can't really speak for .....
I'm just not into game playing. I'm straight out honest and I guess you could say extremely naive. I'm just not cut out for Oz. I kind of hope and expect that decency and justice rules the world when in fact I'm constantly faced with the opposite.

Now that I have thoroughly brought all the rest of you down with me, it's time to just forget about it and keep on trying and moving forward. Sometimes though I would like to just hop on a plane to Hawaii or Venice or Eretz Yisrael. Doesn't Hashem listen to tefillos?? And when is it going to end??

Enough, enough, already!!!! It's time to tell you how funny it was that I woke up very early this morning and couldn't get back to sleep. Guess who was on Frumster??? Yup, Mr. Not-So-Wonderful. Ohh, forgot to tell you that I probably broke the rules when I left him a message after Shabbos asking how his went? And then when I texted him a thank you for the book. Whatever... I'm not a rules person...

Anyway, now that I've been rambling self-pity it's time to stop. Hey!!!!!! School is almost out!!! I was never even this happy about school ending when I was a kid. It's just that it's so stressful for DB and I can't wait!!! I've been keeping him posted on how many days he has left.

Before I forget-- Happy Father's Day for all you good dads out there who care about, love and put your children first. Your children will be forever grateful that you did.

Mr. Wonderful

WOW! Those were his words about my profile. But those are my thoughts about him. We wrote back and forth on Frumster for awhile and then im'ed for another half hour. Until we both realized how comfortable we were with each other that at the same time he asked for my number I supplied it.

His voice.... yes, you all know that I have a thing for voices... well, he has a British accent. I wasn't sure if I liked it at first. I thought that it sounded a little formal, but then as we continued talking I felt so at ease that now I absolutely adore his accent. We spoke for about four hours on the phone. Neither of us wanted to hang up, but he finally did. He has somewhere he needs to be at 8:30.

We talked about children, parents, imaginary numbers, physics, Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy, and even some gemara about carrying things on Shabbos (not picking something up if it's at rest and what at rest means exactly). He was quoting Tosfos verbatim to me.

He told me some things that were very personal, but it didn't feel like anything was being rushed... except for time shooting by while we were on the phone. He told me that for the past week he had been reading my profile once a day and kept on seeing different aspects of me in it. He finally decided to contact me and boy, I am sure glad he did.

I have a date or rather "we have a plan" - his words. Friday lunch in the city. He's flying in to Oz tomorrow night/tonight for a meeting on Friday, and he's staying for Shabbos and Sunday out in Queens with friends. DB is with his father for the weekend so maybe I will have a date Sat. night too. I already have plans with fellow blogger sw/fm for basketball on Sunday.

He's understanding, caring, funny, intelligent.... yes, I'm gushing, but this was really unbelievable. He's not crazy and trying to make things rush. But he is very interested. AND ...drum roll please he has no problem with relocating to Kansas. You read it correctly no problem at all.

I need some help. I know that I've been living in Oz for quite a long time, but I really haven't gone out with stbx or anyone else (excluding Bud) to any restaurants. He would like to get some good fried chicken for lunch where should we go????? In Manhattan

I HAVE A DATE!!!!!!!!! Omigosh what am I going to wear?????

btw-I'm going to check him out with a very good friend of mine who lives in England. He went to school with her twin brother. I'll keep you posted

We Agree And Excuses

I wrote to Pen yesterday and I left him my number. There was just too much to explain that writing it just didn't make sense. He called and we joked around a bit, did some Jewish geography, and then got down to business. That's what it felt like because I really had a rein on my emotions.

I explained to him the reasons for my wanting to relocate to Kansas not only did he hear me he understood me... Pen even did "mirroring" -- the thing therapists recommend when you are having a serious discussion or argument with someone. You repeat back to them but in your own words what the person just said to you. That way you know whether or not you are both on the same page. But it wasn't even necessary for him to do that. He got what I said as soon as I said it, and I knew immediately what direction he was going in the conversation.

We almost hung-up without coming to any real decision on if we were going to meet. But I knew that continuing with the phone calls would make it harder to finally say good-bye. Soooooo... it was a mutual "good-bye, take care, if I know of anyone for you I'll send them your way," and don't forget most importantly "if anything changes for either of us regarding moving we will immediately contact each other."

After that conversation I called Bud. I had called him the night before because I was afraid that I would make the same mistake that happened with him. I knew that I could count on him to talk me out of it. Gretel and Shmellen weren't available, and I didn't want to discuss it with Mamasita. Of course I couldn't get in touch with Bud either. But I made the right decision anyway... I guess what I really wanted was someone to kvetch and whine to about how "it's not fair... I just want to find HIM already." Kinda proud of myself in the way that I handled it even though Pen and I spoke at night considering my tendencies.

I haven't spoke to Denver recently because I've been so busy with forensics, parents coming up, and preparing for trial. As I write it I hear how lame that sounds. I've had time to correspond with Pen write my blog. I'm just not that interested and I don't want to commit myself to a whole weekend with him if he comes to Oz. I don't know how to say that so I guess I've been avoiding him. Here's a good one maybe I should just come right out and say that to him but use the excuse of the trial for me not being able to spend the whole weekend. Denver's intelligent and will probably understand that it is just that, an excuse and if he still wants to come to Oz will also line up other dates for himself.

Willing left me a message after Memorial Day weekend like he said he would, but I didn't call him back. It's rude, I know. It's just that Geek and I had started writing to each other and I didn't want to commit to a date with Willing if I was also going to go out with Geek. I won't date two guys at the same time. It's hard enough for me to make a decision as it is. Just who I am I think things over again and again and compare, and think things over again. I don't want to have to make a decision between two guys.

Now I don't have to. Geek never replied to my latest message. Nothing.... no, age difference excuse, I've gotten kind of busy now can I contact you later, or even "I've thought it over and don't think I can date someone who already has a child," I'm wondering what I did, maybe he doesn't know how to tell me those things or somehow deleted my message. It could also be that he just doesn't care, isn't interested, but enjoyed the attention for awhile. I prefer thinking it was one of the first two. I want to be dan l'kaf z'chus.

Should I write him again? A short note, "Hey, what's up?" Or is that lame? I need to think about it. Any words of wisdom for me out there????

But first let me just say that I didn't let him know about the relocation. Yeah, yeah, I'm up front with everyone else. It's just that I already had one strike against me (having DB, although I think DB is a plus, but I'm his mom) that I wanted him to get to know me a little better so he could work his way through that one and then I would've told him. He did write in his Frumster profile that he was willing to relocate. But that could just mean to NJ not somewhere farther like Kansas. Or He found my blog and realized I didn't tell him about relocation and is pissed and feels misled by me and that I don't even deserve any more effort or explanation.

I Forgot

Bud asked me yesterday what the bad thing was. I didn't know what he was referring to for a moment. Oh, my blog. I started laughing because I couldn't remember the terrible thing that had happened. Either it wasn't so terrible or I have a horrible memory.... Mommy brain, it happens when you're pregnant and never goes away. It's when you can recite all the character's names on the children's pbs shows, but you can't remember your own. Smoo has proven in his post that dads can get it too.

Anyway, the horrible thing is not so horrible... another lesson I've learned is that most things don't seem so bad the next day. It's amazing that I have learned how not to react (let me finish) or rather overreact when crazy things take place with the stbx. It only took ____ years to get me to this point. It's also pretty amazing that when I do let something really get to me it only takes about 15 minutes for me to calm down and realize the sky isn't falling. AND YES! That's an extremely big deal for someone as emotional as me. You see, I just feel my feelings, and wear them.... like a heavy dark gray raincoat or a light pink jacket that moves with the breeze on a brilliant spring day.... and most people around me can tell what I'm feeling.

So Bud and all you others out there you'll just have to live without knowing... Maybe next time I'll have enough energy to write it down before I forget.

gtg-- I've just driven back and forth to Kansas for the second time in 4 days and I'm wiped, but the ac and brakes are fixed on Squeaky -- they couldn't get rid of the squeak.

OH! Both Willing and Mr. Man wrote me e-mails today. Man wants to get together, but I know that since I feel a little something for him it would not be the best move. Although..... I do miss his laugh and voice... don't worry I'm not going to start something with someone who can't move. At least I'll try not to... I don't make promises.

People Person or Trying To Avoid Working

I have come to the conclusion that I am a people person. I can almost hear everyone I know saying "No duh, CR." But I don't mean that I get along well with people or even that I like people. I need people. In order for me to be happy. I need people to talk with, to smile at or just to say thank you to after they give me my change. It makes me feel good, alive, and puts a bounce in my step. I literally mean a bounce in my step. I've been told that's the way I walk.

Being inside working the whole day has really gotten to me, and yes, I'm still wearing what I slept in. Sorry guys, nothing frilly just my ducky pajama bottoms and a big old NYFD t-shirt. I want to be dressed, outside, feeling the sun on my back and the wind in my face. I'm sick of doing paperwork. I've barely left my room if only to go and get more papers from the living room. I'm highlighting and gathering all the documents that I think are necessary for the forensic psychologist to see before he makes his decision about relocation.

Obviously I needed a break and some time to kvetch, cry, bitch, groan and feel sorry for myself. Almost done just a few more sentences.

While I was working I had a movie "Stranger Than Fiction" on and now I have that pull to have someone in my life. Someone to kvetch to, to spend time with, to kiss.... Keep me away from Frumster. I don't have the time to go out with anyone now. OH! Forgot to keep you updated on the dating. Denver is still in the picture probably because he doesn't call everyday, and doesn't keep me on the phone too long. Up until last week he also hadn't mentioned us actually getting together. He's very busy himself with quarterly reports and all that junk. BUT he wants to meet me. UGH!! Can you believe I just wrote UGH!!? What is wrong with me?!?!? Wasn't I just writing about wanting someone in my life. What I really want is someone without any strings attached. A friend that I can care for and play with, but that I don't need to worry about things going any farther. I don't feel like getting all dressed up and being nervous about meeting someone and making inane boring conversation. Not that I don't like getting dressed up. I do. But right now is not a good time. I don't want to have to worry about what someone thinks of me. I just want a friend... a bud.

No, it can't be Bud he's a little busy with someone new. She sounds great and he sounds so sweet when he talks about her. It also can't be some of the guys on Frumster because I know that they are looking for more and I don't want to lead anyone on. Although, there are two younger guys who contact me every so often. They're cute, have some brains, and would love to get together. But can I really get together with someone who's ten years or 15 years younger than I am? I do have friends of all ages. I mean ALL ages... from 86-21. I'm also aware that these younger guys just have one thing on their minds and they think that an older woman can't wait to get her hands.... not gonna finish that thought.... But just because they think that doesn't mean that it will happen.... although, if they catch me at the right moment.... Noooooooooooo.... well, maybe just some fooling around.

Have you noticed that I kind of sidestepped talking about Denver? This is the thing. I feel like he's nervous sometimes and laughs a little too long and then I start to feel uncomfortable. I also don't feel attracted to him. But maybe that's good then I can concentrate on who he is and how he treats people. But still, I can't see going out with someone I'm not attracted too. Maybe because he has everything going for him that I want I am preventing myself from being attracted to him. Because then things would have to move forward and I don't know if I want to get married again... at all. Awww Hell!!

What I want is a friend/boyfriend with all the benefits, but none of the permanent attachments. Or maybe I do want someone to get old with. ENOUGH!!!!!!

See I kinda changed the subject from Denver again. Anyway, he is coming into Oz this weekend, but I will be in Kansas for Mother's Day. Big Barbecue at my mom's every year, and there's no way I want to stay in Oz when I have the opportunity to be surrounded by my family and friends. Denver had also mentioned coming into Oz right after Shavuos, but I don't want to spend Memorial Day weekend with him. I can have a full week in Kansas instead. Maybe he'll come to Kansas, but truthfully I don't want him too.

OK, here's another reason not to want to go out with Denver... when I mentioned the Mother's day barbecue we were joking that he could come down to Kansas for it and meet my whole family. He said jokingly that he doesn't even like those things after he's engaged. What does that mean? Hey, I'm moving to Kansas to spend time with my family.... definitely not every minute so calm down... I'm not tied to them, but my family loves to get together and we all do sometimes spontaneously at someone's house, or pool or for a day trip hiking and to the beach. Anyone who comes into my family will be accepted as part of the family and I would like them to accept my family also.

Enough overthinking, Oh! But I forgot to mention that I will feel bad if Denver spends his money on a ticket to Oz and then I discover that without a doubt I'm not attracted to him. The funniest thing is that he's good looking, intelligent... very intelligent, caring.... STOP ALREADY!!!

Anyone have the idea that I am putting off getting back to these piles of papers on my floor? Excuse any grammatical errors or whatever, but if I re-read what I wrote then I'll just end up writing more.

Hey! Almost forgot. Happy Lag B'Omer!!!!

Absolutely Anything Turns A Young Man's Fancy To Sex or Sex Fiends In Space

But not just a young man's fancy (hope Tennyson forgives my adaptation).... I am referring to almost any male that has discovered the opposite sex. The reason I did not state an exact age is that it varies, but once the discovery has been made there's no going back.

I talked to Bud about this awhile back and he confirmed that sex is almost always on a guy's mind. I had heard this before but I really didn't believe it until he started voicing his sex thoughts while we were having the conversation. Throughout the rest of the conversation he told me when he was thinking about sex. I know, I know, the conversation was about sex so, of course, that's what he was thinking about. But he was letting me know that just walking down the street will make a man think about sex even without any women present... and just buying food will make a man think about sex... basically anything will make a man think about sex.

Really, guys, isn't there ever a time when sex doesn't pop into your head. I'm remembering when I was a teenager and in our group of friends there was a guy that we called "Hands" (for obvious reasons). He was also the guy who constantly turned anything that was said into some sort of sexual innuendo. But I think that's a gift that all guys have because they have the ability to associate anything with sex.

I'm astounded and impressed that men can actually work and get anything done in their lives with this sex track constantly running in their heads. It's absolutely unbelievable that a man made it into outer space considering this..... But, maybe the reason we made it into outer space is that men wanted to find out what sex would be like in zero-gravity and those thoughts constantly drove them.

I know how difficult it is for me to get things done when all I can think about is sex... remembering the last time... imagining the next time... the way he kisses, touches etc. In fact, sex will then pop up into any conversation I have and everything around me reminds me of sex in some way. All you men out there have earned my respect at your ability to multitask.

I'm most definitely not complaining. In fact, I appreciate (greatly appreciate!!) a man that loves sex as much as I do. I'm just marveling at your ability to function as if these things aren't going on in your head.

btw-- in case you didn't notice my libido is starting to return

Here Comes The Sun.....

The weather really does affect my mood and boy, did I miss the sun last week. But it's back. YAY!!!! I had a big grin on my face, windows open, and I was singing my heart out while driving to pick up DB yesterday.

I got to see DB on Sunday. That usually doesn't happen when he spends the weekend with his father, but he had a baseball game. DB hit a double and had one RBI (run batted in, for all you non-baseball people). He didn't even swing at every pitch. He let the low ones go right by. I wasn't supposed to cheer for him, but I figured if other people were doing it so could I. He didn't mind me doing that in the end. Not only that, DB gave me a hug when he saw me. No kiss though, "C'mon Mom, the guys will see." His team won and he couldn't have been happier.

There was just one thing that marred the otherwise great time the kids were having. The coach of the other team was screaming and yelling at the players. He even said something to his own kid around the lines of "just remember you're coming home with me, let me see you hustle." Of course DB noticed (his father talks to him and threatens him the same way) and brought it up to me. He was worried about the children on the other team. I told him that they would be ok, but they probably were not having as good a time playing as he was.

I try to use opportunities like that to get the point across to DB so that he won't behave in the same manner... especially because his father does. Children of abuse sometimes turn into abusers themselves. Hopefully, that will not be the case with DB.

Dating Update:

I have decided to take a break from dating. There are too many other things going on right now, and believe it or not I'm really not interested in dating or sex. I kind of freaked Bud out with that last night. He couldn't believe I said that and I had to repeat it. My picture on Frumster is only password accessible, and I'm not initiating any phone calls to Denver. Hey! Maybe that's why I'm not attracted to him romantically, I am too busy concentrating on things that are going on with DB and the case for relocation. I'll write more about that later. My sleep has been disrupted and my dreams have been even weirder than they normally are.

WOW!! I can't believe that I wrote that I'm not interested in sex. Man!!! That is.... just... kinda freaky. The only other time I wasn't interested in sex was right before and after I separated from stbx. My therapist told me that was normal because of everything taking place, but because of my very strong libido I thought that once the interest was gone I would never get it back. Obviously, I did. 'Guess it's just nature's way of making it easier for me to concentrate on the really important stuff.

btw - ACS (Administration for Children's Services) was called again because of something DB's father failed to do. more later... I have another appointment with the forensic psychologist to prepare for.

Who's Right?

It looks like we both are.

Gretel and I finally spoke today. I was so glad that I got a hold of her. Actually, she called me. I thought that she was returning my call from last night, but she told me she never got the message. As soon as she said hi, I knew something was up. "What's wrong, Gret," before I even responded to her hello. She tried to dodge it, but then got into the fact that she didn't say no to baking and helping her sister-in-law (sil) with the bar-mitzvah in Lakewood this Shabbos.

Finishing up taxes for clients, getting the house back into chametz mode, teaching, taking care of the kids, packing for the trip, and now baking fancy stuff for the bar-mitzvah... Whoa!!! I told her that I was sorry I no longer had this article about how different rebbeim talk about saying no to someone who asks for help in order for you to keep your sanity and to take care of your own family, not to mention having a life of your own. I started giving her a big time shmooze about it.

Gret has a hard time saying no to people. Then she told me that her sil also assumed that she would help set up for the bar mitzvah. I started laughing when Gret told me that she said she would. "Wait a minute, how long has she been living in Lakewood? How many sisters of her own does she have that live nearby? Aren't you coming in from Boston and want to see your sister? Don't you have some shopping you need to do that can't get done in Boston?" Gret started to answer that her sil has 5 sisters and at that point I wailed into her. "Just a sec. You're telling me she has 5 sisters and you have to help set up after driving about 6 hours the night before and after baking all those desserts for her. Give me a break! GRET!!! What are you thinking?!?!?!" I started to crack up and she did too. Then I said that she might as well clean her sil's house, do the laundry, and change the baby's diaper and she stopped me with, "OK, OK, you're right."

Through my laughter I told her "I guess I get to be president then." I had to remind her that in our last conversation she told me that since she was always right and knew everything she might as well run for president. And I said that she definitely should go for it because if she can manage her family and busy schedule then she can definitely run this country.

We discussed what laws she would sign into being i.e. date night once a week, husbands must voluntarily and without sighs, go food shopping and get everything on the list, plus flowers and/or chocolate. Of course, if that were a law it couldn't be considered voluntary.

I heard Baby Joe in the background, saying, "strawbaby". Gret put him on the phone to talk to me. I talk to all the kids and sometimes help with homework (usually science and English) when Gret doesn't have the energy or when the older kids don't want to listen to anything she has to say. In fact, Gret and I used to talk so often (when there were fewer children, she didn't have as many jobs, and I wasn't involved in this crazy long divorce) that Sora Feiga used to hand her mother the phone after she finished davening in the morning and say "Time to call CR."

Anyway, Gret remembered that I tried to call her last night and asked me what was up. I told her I needed someone to laugh about the fact that I got a flat (self-inflicted, I cut the turn too short), it was raining, the tire wasn't in stock, the road hazard warranty for the tire didn't apply, I didn't really have the money to pay for a new tire, I had Tomchei Shabbos deliveries in the car, errands to run, and I had had a gut feeling that something was going to happen to the car last night, but forced myself to try to run the errands anyway. Of course, Gret started cracking up halfway through the list and I joined her when I finished telling her all of it.

Then I told her about Bud and his date prospects, and the fact that I am choosing unavailable guys. "No duh, CR!!!" I told her about Denver and his books and she said that he was weird just like me. Gret also suggested that I still keep talking to him even if I don't feel romantically inclined. Along with that came her warning that it's better to be lonely for awhile than to spend time with someone for even up to a year and be lonely the rest of my life. Looks like she gets to be president again.

Finally, I told her what has been on my mind for quite some time. I am procrastinating finishing up some papers and getting the evidence together. "CR, you and I both do that" and I told her I knew that and I was going to look for my high school year book in which she wrote that I "shouldn't get in my own way" and "DON'T PROCRASTINATE!!"

Surprise, surprise the yearbook is in Kansas along with most of my books. I don't have enough room in Oz for them all. There isn't enough room for DB's books and some of my sephorim. DB's library keeps on growing and so does mine. I believe in having lots of books and since finding out about DB's diagnosis of twice exceptionality (dyslexia, dysgraphia, auditory processing disorder, and some speech [lisp], vision [tracking, convergence and binocularity problems] and ot [occupational therapy] issues along with an extremely high intellect) I have done a tremendous amount of reading and research and have added even more books to our home.

Back to the procrastination... See, I even procrastinate about talking about procrastination... hee hee :) Gret told me to get to work. "NOW!" I sat down and started pulling out papers and she went off to teach third grade.

btw-I kinda got interrupted in my work, by some phone calls. Yes, I know that there is such a thing as voice mail. And then I chose to start writing this post.... Now I have to pick DB up from school. I think I'm going to have to call Gret back again so that this work gets done. I know I'm an adult and I do handle my responsibilities. Hey, if I don't no one else will. But we all need encouragement, support and sometimes a friend yelling in our ear to help us get things done.

update: work is done. yay!!!

Lesson Learned..... Again

I can't do it. I just can't go out with Mr. Man and fool around without feeling anything. There isn't going to be any CSBF. I wrote to him and he responded graciously and that he heard the attachment growing in my voice and understands why we won't be going out. I can't even manage not caring about him and we've only talked on the phone. It could be just because he has the most amazing voice I've ever heard, but I don't think that's the case. Yes, I should have known better, but at least I didn't arrange to meet him even once like I did with NM. Considering I haven't dated or had sex in quite a long time I'm gonna say that I've got one hell of a learning curve. Hopefully, the next person I get interested in will actually be available to me.

OK, OK, I think I'm ready to be honest with myself. It just dawned on me while I was writing that I seem to be picking guys that have no possibility, and the ones that do (like Denver); I feel very little for (romantically). Yup, you guessed it... I'm afraid... petrified is more like it. NJG has some company there. I read his post and totally got it.

But I'm not just afraid of becoming another statistic, I'm also afraid of getting hurt. The hurt that I feel in my chest, that makes it difficult to swallow and brings tears to my eyes. I don't think I'm as strong as imagine myself to be... who knows? Maybe I'm stronger. I've learned to live with a lot the past 13 years. Maybe I'm just not used to feeling this kind of pain...

It's also a little hard because I'm jealous for two reasons. Bud has been talking to people and I'm sure he will be going out with them soon. I'm jealous that they will be able to have fun and spend time with him. The other reason is that it's them he's taking out not me. BUT he's my Bud and I want him to go out, have a good time, and meet someone special. I've been speaking to him about my dating situation and he's been giving me great advice, not to mention listening to me kvetch and feel sorry for myself like I'm doing right now. But that's gotta stop.

I feel a little silly complaining about these things... but I also feel better now that I've written them down and gotten them out of my system.

Maybe Denver will call me today.....

Can't Sleep...

Another drive back to Oz, and I can't sleep because of the coffee; I've got a little buzz going. Bud and I spoke for part of my drive, and I told him about talking to Gretel. Because of Pesach and tax season she and I haven't been able to get a hold of each other. Well, Gretel was very proud of me and happy that Bud and I are no longer going out. Then we started talking about why I'm so ambivalent about dating right now. Of course, Gret saw right through me and told me that maybe I just needed some time to get over Bud; especially since our going out was my first relationship after stbx. Just hearing that helped me move through it.

Then she gave me a shmooze on overthinking. I told you she knows me inside out. I started to justify my analyzing things and she cut me short, "See you're doing it even now." The funniest thing is that I can't and don't get angry at her for what she says because she's usually right. I claim to be right all the time, but I guess Gret has me beat, and I told her so.

I miss her and I'm going to try to get together with her when DB goes out of state with his father. Spending Shabbos in Boston with her family would be great, and I could finally meet child 8 and child 9, and see the family dimples on their cute faces.

btw-do you know that birds are up and singing in Oz at 3:30 a.m.?

On The Road Again... And Again

Yup, we're headed back to Kansas again tomorrow for Shabbos. I'll pick up DB from school and away we'll go. As much as I love to drive, I wouldn't complain if DB finished his transporter/time machine, and all we would have to do is jump in, press a button and presto... we would be in Kansas. I almost considered staying in Oz for the weekend, but if I have a choice I'd rather be in Kansas.

Since I won't be in Oz, I won't be going out on any dates this weekend which is kinda good. For some reason I'm just not into it right now. Maybe it's because I'm absolutely exhausted from Yontif and all the driving, but I really think it's just a lot to take in at once. Of course, I had to open a can of worms and write back to this man who said he would not relocate. No it's not NM. It's this man (yes, I wrote man as opposed to guy) that I was corresponding with recently. There is this air about him of adultness (shoot me... I know it's not a word but it fits) of surety about who he is and want he wants. This is someone that I thought I had a chance with... a real chance.

Anyway, he was on Frumster today and I gave in to the temptation of looking at his profile. (I was torturing myself by looking at what I couldn't have, and I was also hoping that he would write to me again. He did just that and gave me an opening to write back. Soooooo..... I did. And gave him my number too. I got his in return. We haven't talked yet and I'm still not sure if I want to. Actually, I do want to talk to him and hear his voice, but I know that I shouldn't.

Bud was great, and tried to get it into my head that I am just sabotaging myself by starting this. I wonder why I'm pulled to people who don't want to relocate. It's not that I search them out or try to hide the fact that I'm moving. As soon as they contact me (except for Mr. Man) I let them know immediately that I'm relocating so that it won't be a problem later on... if there is a later on. Is a part of me not ready not to get involved with someone? Or maybe I'm afraid to get involved if I know it will lead to....... the m-word. See, I don't even want to write the whole word.

Ya know it's getting late and I'm going to try to stop thinking... Yeah, right, I'd like to see that... me not thinking about things and analyzing....

Things always look different in the morning. Well, not always, but sometimes.

Good Shabbos

Boy, Am I Happy!

That's right I'm happy... grinning from ear to ear... DB is back. I missed him soooooo much. Having him in my arms made the world right.

I picked him up from his father's and then off we went back to Kansas. That's a lot of driving for one day and I wished that I could take a nap just like DB did within a half hour of us being on the road. Looking at his sleeping face in the rearview mirror almost brought me to tears. Just beneath the surface of that big boy face, I could see the little baby one that I used to look at sleeping in his crib... the sweet chin... the dark lashes brushing his cheeks. I wish I could take care of him and protect him from the world, but that's not possible. Instead I hope that I am giving him the strength, resilience, and confidence that he can get through anything and still find the joy and beauty that the world has to offer.

When we got to Kansas he behaved so beautifully, held the door for Zaidy when he was bringing in groceries. Said thank you to Saba for the new pin for his baseball hat. (It's a Marine baseball hat heavy with ribbons and pins that my dad gives to him each time we're down. OORAH!!!)
And made sure to give Bubbi tons of hugs and kisses.

Boy, do I love this boy!!



DATING UPDATE:

There's a new guy to add to the field and he lives in Denver but is willing to relocate. WOW! I can't believe that there are now two guys willing to relocate. Denver is extremely intelligent, but I don't know if a spark is there or not. I've spoken to him a couple of times now. In CR terms, that means at least an hour conversation each time. He's very well read, extremely well read, and has a love of books that rivals mine including science fiction. And has already sent me an e-mail after we last talked, and will be calling after Yontif even though we've talked about DB and his father and all the issues involved.

NM is still trying to convince me not to relocate, but I've made sure that he understands that it's just going to be one date. He wants it to take place as soon as possible. So maybe even this coming Wednesday night. We've been speaking several times a day. I am not the one doing the calling he is.

Mr. Willing wrote me before Pesach that he is going away, but will contact me as soon as he's back.

It's difficult keeping track of everyone. It helps to write it down. I'm thinking of putting my picture under password again. I'm really not that great at juggling, and I can't remember who I've told what to. Bud's been great, and he's really helping me focus on what's important. Gotta love The Buuuuuud.

One happy mom saying, Good Yontif, Chag Sameach, and all that stuff...... :)

Bud Needs A New Name

Just what the title says.

Actually, Bud wants to have his name go back to Charm. I told him that he's no longer Mr. Three-Time's-A-Charm since we aren't going out any longer. He's my friend, my Bud.

I like the name, Buuuuuud... drawn out... that's the way it should be said. He says the name is too southern, grass chewin', flannel wearin', redneck, hillbilly for him. What can I say, it's the southern, country girl in me that named him. Plus he's my friend, my Bud.

I'm willing to entertain the thought of changing his name if I find one that fits. Any ideas?

Sleeping On It and Mr. One-Night-Stand

Things do seem clearer in the morning. I'm trying to figure out why. Maybe because your brain has time to process whatever it is you've been thinking about. Studies have been done (I don't remember by whom and I'm not going to quote them) that if you sleep (even a short nap) after you've learned something new you retain the information better than if you had not slept. The information moves from short term memory to long term memory.

I think my brain (and feelings?) needed time to process the fact that there is no way MN is moving and that I don't want to get hurt again. It's just not worth it. BUT I already told him I would go out on a date with him. So I'm thinking about telling him that I'm only going to go out on this one date with him and that's it or he can choose not to go out at all. I don't want him to have to spend his money on me if he doesn't have to.

Just learned another lesson from Bud. This one wasn't that hard and didn't hurt like the last one. We spoke last night about getting messages from people at Frumster. He didn't sound too enthused whereas I get very excited. It's not that he's not interested. It's just that after going through this for a year (or two?) Bud said that he's learned not to get too excited at the beginning. My excitement from getting mail from someone at Frumster is toned down now a little because I really thought about what he said and took it to heart.

Having Bud for a friend is almost like having an older brother... he doesn't tell me what to do (don't ever TELL me what to do) instead he explains his reasoning and talks about his experiences. My younger brother sometimes acts that way, but he met his wife on a shidduch date and doesn't have the experience Bud does. And since I'm the oldest I've always taken care of my brother and everyone else... it's just who I am. But now I have someone (not including parents, of course) looking out for me. I want to call Bud, BBB, Big Brother Bud, but I don't think he'd really appreciate it (enough Bs in that sentence for ya?). I don't think that he wants me to view him as a brother. Still, I appreciate his concern and caring. OH!!! What's best is that he doesn't say "I told you so." Who wouldn't want a big brother like that?!?

Guess who I heard from. Nope, it wasn't Control. It was Mr. One-Night-Stand. He sent me a message through Frumster today. Kinda need to explain that he wasn't the one who didn't call after the one night... I just didn't answer the phone. There was no way that I wanted to talk to him. I wasn't embarrassed about what happened but angry, and hurt. Mr. One knew that he was going to be my first date in 8 years, and my first date with someone other than my stbx in 13 years. BUT he didn't make sure that even if it wasn't going to be a fantastic date, it would still be a good one. Instead he loaned his car to a friend and wanted me to drive. WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?!?!?!

And there's more..... he only told me about the car situation the night of our date. When I spoke up for myself (pat on the back to me) and told him that I really wanted to be picked up, he didn't get bother getting his car back, and there were several ways that he could have managed it. Hey! If I could think up these things why couldn't he. OK, OK, get off my case. I know I didn't offer my suggestions, but I was brand new to this and just telling him that I wanted him to drive and pick me up took many deep breaths and a lot of guts.

Anyway... I ended up going to pick him up. Just don't say anything... I know now that I shouldn't have done that. But it was my first date, and I was kind of timid about asking for what I wanted or saying no if I didn't get it. It's not like I was asking for the moon or a pair of diamond earrings. I'd rather see the moon up in the sky, and I don't need diamonds just love and hugs.

Mr. One wasn't even dressed when I got to his apt. He still needed to put on a shirt, shoes, socks, sweater. He hadn't even shaved!!!!!! Now c'mon (this is to you, guys out there), when you go on a date, let alone a first date, you shave. Mr. One also had a bottle of wine opened and we had a glass....

We never left his apartment....and it was over before it started.... And it wasn't even good. I got dressed and took off right after. He didn't even walk me to my car. I was angry at myself, and also at him. Do you blame me for not taking his calls??? I replied to Mr. One's e-mail today, and spelled it all out for him... without any animosity or exclamation points. But I did include an apology for not taking his calls and letting him know how upset and disappointed I was.


That whole incident was the reason I told Bud (when he was Charm) that he was the first guy I was going out with in 8 years, even though he wasn't. I wanted to see how he would treat me. A gold star for Bud. He picked me up, brought me chocolate (godiva), took me to The Top of the Rock, held my hand, kissed me while we were outside looking down at the city all lit up. Two hours of making out up there. Boy, he was a great kisser. Bud didn't push things even when they got a little hot and heavy.... a real gentleman and a great first date.