Bad And Good

OK, I have a tremendous amount to write about. Most of it is good stuff and even the bad stuff can eventually turn into some good. It's just getting through it that's miserable. Of course, it involves DB and school. How many of you out there think that 2 hours of homework is acceptable for someone not yet in 7th grade. Do you even think that 2 hours of work is reasonable for a 7th grader? I believe that it's completely ridiculous. When does a child have a chance to be a child?

I can't stand it when DB is crying for two hours while doing his homework that he is not even capable of doing. They are setting him up to fail. I have to hold in my tears until he goes to sleep. The ones I shed are sorrow for his pain and anger against a system that makes me unable to care for my child properly.

I know it will work out in the end. I just have to get us both there in one piece and with the ability to move forward and forget.

Now for the very good stuff....

I had a GREAT b-day!! I took DB and we went to see Mary Poppins on Broadway. His first show. I had been saving up for it for about a year so that we could get good seats. What would be the use in paying for bad ones. So we sat center orchestra. It was amazing. Just the two of us heading into Midtown for fun. It was Erev Succos so he didn't have school and we went to a matinee. I ended up getting discount tickets and then had a code so they cost even less. YAY!!

The show was amazing, but I spent half of it watching DB's reactions. He was laughing out loud, singing along under his breath, and moving his feet to Step In Time (his favorite part). My cheeks hurt from smiling so much. When we left DB was trying to figure out what show we should start saving up for next.

What a fantastic time and wonderful day. The sun was out. We were relaxed and enjoying our time together without worrying about anything else. Plus I was wearing my new "ring" DB had made for me out of hot pink colored wire. He felt bad that he didn't have a present for me so he made the ring. Of course it means more to me than any present he could've bought. Oy, I just love that munch sooooo much.


And now on to dating or not.....

I've found out a lot of info about BGB, and I've liked all of it. He's an amazing man, and his profile says that he might be willing to relocate, but that could just mean anywhere in or near Oz. Yes, I asked him even though we were just flirting. I think I'm starting to learn that I should ask that of every guy so that way I know whether or not to allow myself to feel something for him. I wanted to make sure that before I got to that point I would know where I stand. I think it took him by surprise as if I thought things were up to a certain point. Y'all know how I've messed up by dating Bud when he wasn't able to relocate, and then when Man's profile said he was willing, but it turned out otherwise. The same thing with Blondie. I understand about the pulling back, and I was doing a little bit of it myself.

So if I start to feel something for BGB I don't want to have to stamp on my emotions again. I am doing the smart thing and trying to protect myself. I just needed to know one way or the other. Then I can adjust the way I view him if necessary. Otherwise I will be hanging in limbo along with possibilities. Ugh! I've been in it long enough with the divorce and having to wait for someone else to make decisions about my life. If there's some way to prevent it from taking place with regard to something, ANYTHING; I will do it... even if it means the guy thinks I'm jumping the gun and moving too fast. I wish I didn't get all the info about him it just showed me what an incredible person he is; caring, kind, so true to his beliefs, honest, and romantic.

But the fact is he might have an issue dating divorced women with children. He also has a type of woman he can see himself with, and I don't really fit there either. It's kind of funny because I'm not sure if I would/will date him. So why would I go out with someone when I already have two strikes against me. I just wanted to be clear (for myself) so that if the flirting led anywhere I would know from the very beginning.

He wrote back jokingly that he didn't even know we were dating, and that he's not sure if he wants to. He's quite aware of the fact that I won't fool around with someone I would date for tachlis, and he doesn't know if he wants that to be the case.

It's just that if someone has possibilities I need to know if I feel something for him without any extra attachments added because of being intimate. It doesn't mean that I would never fool around with someone I'm dating, but I just need to know what my feelings are before getting physical.

more to say but it will have to wait

Reading About Dating

On the way to and from Kansas this past week I managed to stop at this book outlet. The prices are pretty good, but they were having a sale so they were even better. If you purchased over $15 of books they would take off 50% of your total. That's an invitation I couldn't resist. Plus there were stacks of books for a buck each.... hardcover books. I had a party. I couldn't hold all the books and they were soon spilling out of the basket I was given..... mysteries (for mom), illustrated classics for children (for DB), books about Marines, battles and Israel (for dad)... Every book I purchased (even if it was for someone else) will be read by me eventually, but I'm the only one in the family reading science fiction, the classics, and books about neurodevelopmental dysfunction, auditory processing disorder, dating , marriage and sex in marriage.


Books are my friends. Yes, I have human friends too. But I've always turned to books as a refuge and as enjoyment. I get lost in the words and the worlds become real. I've been an Indian princess (when I was younger), scientists, explorers of strange worlds, architects, doctors and cowboys not to mention a sorceress who can talk to animals, and a wizard of Earthsea. Whenever a movie comes out about a book I read I always hesitate about seeing it. I don't want to see the story changed or the characters look different than how I picture them... but usually my curiosity gets the better of me. Even when there is a picture of one of the characters on the book I try to ignore it and form my own view.


Kinda got sidetracked or maybe not.... I guess it's to be expected that I would also turn to books for information about dating. I've read lots of these books Mars And Venus On A Date, The Kettle The Fish and The Bird, The Everything Dating Book. I feel that I need as much help as possible because I don't want to end up with the same man twice. That is if I (want to) get married again. Yes, I know that's cynical. Maybe I'm thinking that way as a protection in case it ends up happening (that I don't get married). Deep down I know I would love to spend the rest of my life with someone. I want to share what I love with someone and be quiet with them in front of a fire on a rainy day, and wake up to kids jumping on top of us wanting to play, and go to bed knowing that we would only fall asleep after we were sweaty and out of breath.


Yeah, yeah, I haven't mentioned arguments or bill paying and kids interrupting you in bed because they don't feel well and then happen to throw up all over you. I know what's involved. I just think it would be nice to share it with someone who could kiss me when we makeup and let me handle the bill paying on time, and most of all join in my laughter and cleaning up of the gross stuff after the child is put to bed feeling better.


Obviously, I did some reading about dating this Shabbos. Maybe it will help me later on down the line. I think it might even help me now. One book made me feel better about saying good-bye to Man and to be proud that I didn't continue in a relationship that would end up going nowhere. But the downfall is that it is really more difficult for me to imagine csbf and I really would like sex without any attachments. Having some has left me wanting more except now I think I would like to have it all. There's nothing wrong with that, is there?

I Called

I called The Man, Mr. Man. I'm going to use the excuse of being exhausted and not thinking straight along with the strong smell of pot that is wafting into my bedroom. My next door neighbors are smokin' like a chimney, and it appears that I might have a contact high..... Yes, I am inhaling. I can't stop breathing... ;)

A long time ago...... in a galaxy far far away.... wrong story. A long time ago when I used to smoke up it would make me extremely (no other way to say it) horny. I wanted sex and lots of it along with chocolate ice cream. Of course, it had to be good sex.... and chocolate fudge ice cream from Baskin Robbins. Well, I got to thinking after writing back and forth to Man that it would be sooooooo nice to hear his voice. In case you couldn't tell I have a thing for voices. We just got off the phone and no, I'm not going to meet him and I didn't invite him over. BUT I SURE WANTED TOO! I behaved myself.

We spoke for awhile, and I closed my eyes listening to the silk drift out of the phone and tickle my ear. And then we said good-bye. I'll miss him. If I wasn't moving or if he was able to move then I would be in his arms with my head on his chest listening to the rumbling of his sweet words cover my skin with their warmth.

I Forgot

Bud asked me yesterday what the bad thing was. I didn't know what he was referring to for a moment. Oh, my blog. I started laughing because I couldn't remember the terrible thing that had happened. Either it wasn't so terrible or I have a horrible memory.... Mommy brain, it happens when you're pregnant and never goes away. It's when you can recite all the character's names on the children's pbs shows, but you can't remember your own. Smoo has proven in his post that dads can get it too.

Anyway, the horrible thing is not so horrible... another lesson I've learned is that most things don't seem so bad the next day. It's amazing that I have learned how not to react (let me finish) or rather overreact when crazy things take place with the stbx. It only took ____ years to get me to this point. It's also pretty amazing that when I do let something really get to me it only takes about 15 minutes for me to calm down and realize the sky isn't falling. AND YES! That's an extremely big deal for someone as emotional as me. You see, I just feel my feelings, and wear them.... like a heavy dark gray raincoat or a light pink jacket that moves with the breeze on a brilliant spring day.... and most people around me can tell what I'm feeling.

So Bud and all you others out there you'll just have to live without knowing... Maybe next time I'll have enough energy to write it down before I forget.

gtg-- I've just driven back and forth to Kansas for the second time in 4 days and I'm wiped, but the ac and brakes are fixed on Squeaky -- they couldn't get rid of the squeak.

OH! Both Willing and Mr. Man wrote me e-mails today. Man wants to get together, but I know that since I feel a little something for him it would not be the best move. Although..... I do miss his laugh and voice... don't worry I'm not going to start something with someone who can't move. At least I'll try not to... I don't make promises.

On The Road Again... And Again

Yup, we're headed back to Kansas again tomorrow for Shabbos. I'll pick up DB from school and away we'll go. As much as I love to drive, I wouldn't complain if DB finished his transporter/time machine, and all we would have to do is jump in, press a button and presto... we would be in Kansas. I almost considered staying in Oz for the weekend, but if I have a choice I'd rather be in Kansas.

Since I won't be in Oz, I won't be going out on any dates this weekend which is kinda good. For some reason I'm just not into it right now. Maybe it's because I'm absolutely exhausted from Yontif and all the driving, but I really think it's just a lot to take in at once. Of course, I had to open a can of worms and write back to this man who said he would not relocate. No it's not NM. It's this man (yes, I wrote man as opposed to guy) that I was corresponding with recently. There is this air about him of adultness (shoot me... I know it's not a word but it fits) of surety about who he is and want he wants. This is someone that I thought I had a chance with... a real chance.

Anyway, he was on Frumster today and I gave in to the temptation of looking at his profile. (I was torturing myself by looking at what I couldn't have, and I was also hoping that he would write to me again. He did just that and gave me an opening to write back. Soooooo..... I did. And gave him my number too. I got his in return. We haven't talked yet and I'm still not sure if I want to. Actually, I do want to talk to him and hear his voice, but I know that I shouldn't.

Bud was great, and tried to get it into my head that I am just sabotaging myself by starting this. I wonder why I'm pulled to people who don't want to relocate. It's not that I search them out or try to hide the fact that I'm moving. As soon as they contact me (except for Mr. Man) I let them know immediately that I'm relocating so that it won't be a problem later on... if there is a later on. Is a part of me not ready not to get involved with someone? Or maybe I'm afraid to get involved if I know it will lead to....... the m-word. See, I don't even want to write the whole word.

Ya know it's getting late and I'm going to try to stop thinking... Yeah, right, I'd like to see that... me not thinking about things and analyzing....

Things always look different in the morning. Well, not always, but sometimes.

Good Shabbos